Crab Jokes

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Funniest Crab Jokes

Funny Crab Jokes

My mum's starsign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died... She was eaten by a massive crab

My Wife's star sign is Cancer and it's pretty ironic how she died... She was attacked by a giant crab

Scientists found out that crabs hear through their legs. A scientist yelled at a crab and it ran away. Then he cut of its legs and yelled at it again. And suddenly the crab didn't run away anymore.

My cousin's horoscope was Cancer. Funny how she died... She got eaten by a giant crab

My mother's star sign was cancer. Ironic how she died, really. She died due to fatal injuries from a giant crab attack.

Apparently crabs hear through their legs. A scientist yelled at a crab and it ran away. Then he cut off its legs and yelled at it again. And suddenly the crab didn't run away anymore.

My wife's starsign was Cancer, which is quite ironic really, thinking about how she died... she was attacked by a giant crab

My girlfriends star sign My girlfriends star sign is cancer, so it was quite ironic how she died

She got beaten to death by a giant crab

What's it called when a crab is walking to it's part time job? A side hustle.

Why did the crab cross the road? It didn't. It used the sidewalk.

(This was a joke my teacher made)

Why did the crab cross the road? It didn't, it used the sidewalk.

A guy walks into a seafood store carrying a crab, and he asked the owner, "Do you make crab cakes?" And the owner said, "Yes we do."...So the guy said, "Good because it's his birthday."

Why does the sad crab walk side ways? Because he has nothing to look forward to

What is the difference between an old bus stop and a crab with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busy crustacean

What is the difference between a broken down bus stop and a crab with breast implants? One is a rusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

Why did the crab hate to share? He was a little shellfish.

What's the difference between an old bus stop and a crab with breast implants? One is a Crusty Bus Station and the other is a Busty Crustacean

Today I watched a documentary about crustaceans and I saw a crab take another crab's food... ...crabs can be so shellfish right?

What’s the difference between an old bus stop and a crab in a bikini? One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.

Whats the difference between an old bus station and a crab with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station the other is a busty crustacean.

My ex wife's star sign was Cancer, quite ironic considering how she died... ...Eaten by a giant crab ?

Note: not my joke, not sure where I heard it

Edit: Jimmy Carr / Bo Burnham

A crab walks into a bar... The Barman says "I can't serve you mate, you're already walking sideways".

what's the difference between a run down bus stop and a crab with breast implants? one is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean

Why did the crab get fired? Because he was not moving the company forward.

What do you call a female crab who is also single? Ms. Shell

Whats the difference between a rusty bus stop and a crab with a boob job? One is a rusty bus station the other is a busty crustacean.

Why did the marriage between the crab and the shrimp end in a divorce? Because they were both too Shellfish.

Cancer My mum's starsign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died...

She was eaten by a giant crab

The crab just caught a train... ...from the Crustacean

Did you hear about the crab that could paint? There was a crab that people taught how to paint. He eventually got better and started painting these Renaissance-like paintings

His name was Leonardo Da-Pinchi

In 49 states in America, a crab shack is a restaurant. In Florida, it's a changing room.

Dad joke alert: why didn't the crab and lobster get along? They were too shellfish.

My wife died last week It's ironic because her zodiac symbol was cancer. She was killed by a giant crab

Why was everyone confused when a crab walked straight into the bar? Because crabs only walk sideways.

My cousins zodiac sign was cancer, kind of ironic how she died... She was eaten by a giant crab

The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself, that's shellfish.

What’s worse than having a shrimp on your piano? Having a crab on your organ.

What's worse than a lobster on your piano? What's worse than a lobster in your piano? A CRAB on your organ.

Why didn't crab and lobster like to share? They were both two shellfish

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New Crab Jokes

Why was the hermit crab hiding in his shell? He was feeling self conches.

Did you hear the crab lost his exoskeleton? It was chitin itself!

here is something morbidly ironic my grandmother uh she was a cancer and she was actually killed by a giant crab

What do you call a crab in self-isolation? A hermit crab.

What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !

Why did the crab go to jail? Because it kept pinching things.......I will see myself out

Why did the crab go to jail? Because it kept PINCHING things

What does a crab say when he goes to the rodeo? Yee-Claw!

A hermit crab decided to move into a lovely new home in a swanky neighbourhood. He really had to shell out for that place.

What does a hermit crab call its home? Michelle

One of my favorite jokes I might have found on here or somewhere else. But what's the difference between an old run down bus station and a crab that recently got breast implants? One is a crusty bus station, while the other is a busty crustacean.

What kind of crab is reckless and impulsive? a FIDLAR crab

What’s the difference between an old bus station and a crab with a boob job... Ones a crusty bus station, and the other’s a busty crustacean.

Why wouldn't the crab share his things? Because he was *SHELLFISH*

What's the difference a bus stop in the ghetto and a crab with a boob job? One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean.

My dad's zodiac sign was Cancer. It is ironic how he died. He has eaten by a giant crab

What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a crab with big titties? One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

What’s worse than a lobster on a piano? A crab on your organ

What martial art Aquaman learnt in Atlantis? Crab Magá

What do you call a crab that knows king fu? A Crust-Asian

What's the difference between a crummy bus stop and a crab with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean

Do you know what you call an air tight crustacean? A hermetic crab

Why did the crab go to jail? For pinching.

Whats worse than crab on your piano? Cancer on your organs

Heres something morbidly ironic My grandmother was a cancer, and she was actually killed by a giant crab

Why didn't the hermit crab want to share his home? Because he was a little shellfish...

What crab is the best at acting? Imitation crab

What's the difference between an old crab and Korean in the oven? Ones a crusty crestacean and the others a crispy crust Asian

What do you call a crab holding a basket of tampons? A crustacean menstruation station.

What's the difference between an old bus shelter and a crab that has had a boob job? One is a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean!

All of my family have died ironic deaths, like my grandfather, whose star sign was Cancer he died from a giant crab attack.

What's the difference between an old crab and a Korean in the oven? Ones a crusty crustacean and the other's a crispy crust Asian

What's the difference between an old crab and a Korean in the oven? Ones a crusty crestacean and the others a crispy crust Asian

Why didn't the bee want crab legs? He wanted bee-food, not seafood!

What did Barrack say when he was all alone? [1/2 OC] Here I am Obama self...
Like a crab in Michelle.

What is the Difference Between Your Nearest Bus Station and a Crab With a Boob Job? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

Why did the little crab keep all the treasure for himself? Because he was a little shellfish.

What did the clam say when a crab attacked him? Kelp!

What do you call a paedophile crustacean? A Diddler Crab

What did the blue crab call his ex girlfriend? Old Bay

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Long Crab Jokes

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said: "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said: "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said: "I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked: "What’s the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crab on her."

"If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?" Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said: "We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

A huge crab walks into a bar...

...and says to the barman, "I demand one pint of lager. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met. The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a beer mat must be provided. If the quality of the provided beer does not meet my high standards, you must agree to refund the full amount charged, and provide any additional financial compensation for any discomfort, stress or time wasted."

The barman looks at the crab and says, "why the big clause?"



Edit: Changed details to make the idea that a giant crab might also be a beer enthusiast more believable.

The Little Crab

A fisherman was out trying to catch some fish when a tiny little crab scampered up into his boat. It was too small to take back, so he simply threw it overboard.

About ten minutes later, the same crab climbed back into his boat. The fisherman chuckled to himself and threw the crab out again.

As he was sailing home, who should climb up but the *same* crab. This time the fisherman was surprised, but he threw it back into the ocean all the same. Now that he was moving, there was certainly no way it would come back.

But sure enough, almost a half hour later the crab was back. The fisherman finally slumped down and stared at the crab in shock.

“Wow,” thought the fisherman. “That little guy will do anything to get up boats.”

The Fish Princess and the Commoner Crab

Once upon a time, in the undersea kingdom, there lived a fish princess. This fish princess had fallen in love with a peasant crab.

When her father, the fish king, found out about their affair he forbade her to ever see him again. When she asked him why he replied "No daughter of mine will consort with a lowly sideways-walking crab!"

Devastated, but with no other choice, the fish princess goes to her crab and delivers the news. "My father says we can't be together," she tells him, "he says you're a lowly side-walker, and that I'm forbidden to see you." The crab, crushed by the news, turns and sadly walks away - sidewise, of course.

That night there was a gala ball at the fish palace. All the nobility of the undersea kingdom was there in attendance including, of course, the fish king and princess. Then, at the very height of festivities, the doors to the ballroom suddenly burst open... and there was the crab.

The entire room burst into excited whispers, all the attendees having heard the rumor of the princess' affair with a side-walking commoner. To their surprise, however, before their very eyes, the crab took one step forward... then another step forward... and another... walking forward down the red carpet toward the king on his throne.

As the crab approached the king the room went silent in anticipation. The crab looked the king square in the eye... opened his mouth... and slurred "I am soooooo super drunk right now."

An Aboriginal goes down to the river

fishing for crabs. He puts his line in and just as he feels a tug, a ranger comes down and says "you know you're not supposed to be crabbing at this time of the year mate. If you reel that in and you've got a crab I'm going have to fine you." so the Aboriginal pulls in the line and sure enough there's a crab on the end. So the ranger tells him that it's got a be a $150 fine and he'll have to throw the crab back.

The Aboriginal says
"mate, this is my pet crab. Every day I come down to the river and let him have a swim. "
He demonstrates by letting the crab swim out and pulling him back in
"see?"

The ranger's having none of this and says "prove it's your pet crab, let it off the string and we'll see if it swims back."
So he let's it off the string, chucks it in the water... Sure enough it swims away and doesn't come back.

"see, it wasn't your pet crab!"

"what crab? I didn't have no crab.. "

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door..

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.”
“Well, tell me!” the man said.
The policeman said: “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said: “Give me the bad news first.”
So the policeman said: “I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in the bay.”
“Oh my god!,” said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked: “What’s the good news?”
“Well,” said the policeman, “When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crab on her.”
“If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?” Mr. Wilkens demanded.
The policeman said: “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.”

A female crab sees a male crab walking in a straight line

Amazed by the crab's rare gait, she is smitten.

She asks him to marry her, and he happily agrees.

The next day, she notices that he is walking normally in a zigzag pattern.

She is shocked. She asks him why he is walking in this manner now.

He replies, "Baby, I can't be that drunk always, can I?"

A girl lobster meets a crab boy...

...they quickly hit it off and start dating. Unfortunately, the girl lobsters father is dead set against interspecies relationships and tells his daughter "If you keep seeing that crab boy, I'm cutting you off, no daughter of mine will be with a 'sideways walker', I will not stand for it." Upset, the girl lobster tells her crab boyfriend about her fathers feelings about 'sideways walkers', the boy crab in love with the girl lobster resolves that he will learn to walk forwards and backwards to prove his love and win her fathers blessing. He practices for weeks and finally overcomes his natural urge to walk sideways.

Ready to show his true loves father that love conquers all he arrived at the girl lobsters house. As he is making his way up the sidewalk, in a perfectly straight forward line he hears from inside the house "that does it Lola, (girl lobsters name apparently) that good for nothing crab is here, and he's already drunk."

A crab fisherman walks into a bar with a crab.

He sets the crab on the bar and it proceeds to walk perfectly straight ahead, instead of scuttling side to side like crabs usually do. The bartender, impressed, offers the fisherman $50 for the amazing crab and takes it home. The next day he takes the crab out of the cage, and it begins scuttling side to side. "WTF?" the bartender exclaims, "Why aren't you walking straight?" "Damn," the crab replies, "I can't get that drunk every day."

Crab lice on holidays

Two crab lice agree to meet on the beach in Florida for Summer holidays. One already being there, the other arrives all shivering.

"Why are you shivering?" asks the first.

The second answers: "I arrived in a motorcyclist moustache... I alsmost froze to death..."

" That's stupid," says the first, "do like I do. Climb up a stewardesses leg, stay in here croch and you'll be here in no time, nice an cosy."

Next year, they meet again. The second one is shivering again, saying :

" I did what you said... I climbed up a stewardesses leg and lay down at her croch. It was so warm and cosy, I fell asleep. Once I woke up, I was in a motorcyclists moustache again..."

It was the height of the Clone Wars, and Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin had just finished a heated battle against separatist spacecraft.

After making sure that the civilian freighter they were escorting was undamaged, they prepared to hyperspace jump back to Coruscant. However, just as their craft are about to enter lightspeed, a mysterious pulse of energy fries their systems and instead jumps them to a planet they’ve never seen before- an ocean world orbiting a small, dim star.

The two scoured their ship’s built-in database for any mention of the world, but in the end, they couldn’t find anything. It didn’t seem to belong to the Republic, or the CIS, or anyone at all. In fact, there was no mention of the world at all.

Curious to learn where they were and possibly resupply their craft, the two maneuvered their starfighters down to a raised mesa that rose above the rest of the ocean. They couldn’t find any signs of intelligent life on the world, so they resolved to explore until they found something.

After walking through the vibrant coral forests for some time, they stumbled upon a tiny village filled with what appeared to be giant crabs. They attempted several forms of communication, they eventually managed to get their point across by a series of gestures and attempts at miming. They learned that the crabs were happy to meet them, that they could be housed and fed, and that they were expecting an important guest shortly, who would be interested in their company.

The two passed the time exploring the village and attempting to learn more about the crabs’ culture. Eventually, however, they noticed that an elderly humanoid man was walking down to the path to the crab village. As he walked within its borders, every crab in the village turned towards him and saluted them at once.

Suddenly, Obi-Wan drew his lightsaber and decapitated the old man with a single swing. The crabs swarmed around him, chittering angrily and wielding sharp implements.

“Why would you do that?” asked Anakin, horrified.

“That man was powerful in the ways of the Dark Side,” said Obi-Wan.

“How could you tell?”

“Because,” Obi-Wan said, “Only a Sith deals in crab salutes.”

Why was the animal unhappy?

**Why was the dog unhappy?**

He had a ruff week..

**Why was the cat unhappy?**

His life wasn't purrfect.


**Why was the turtle unhappy?**

His brother was a shellout.


**Why was the crustacean unhappy?**

His mother's been a real crab lately.


**Why was the crawdad unhappy?**

His family was really shellfish.


**Why was the whale unhappy?**

He had no porpoise in life.


*Feel free to make your own!*

Troll enter chat

A user enters a chat room for battered women. They immediately type that their husband forces her to lie around on the beach in Tahiti and eat lobster, mahi mahi, crab and shrimp. The new user is flagged by the other battered women with real problems and the mods block this low level troll. The next day the Tahiti newspaper read "Albino woman found dead on the beach from anaphylactic shock, husband nowhere to be found"

What happens when you get mixed up in an undersea gang war?

You get a crab wound.

So you go the police but they clam't help you.

Eventually you end up at the hospital and they tell you you'll need a sturgeon.

Then you murder everyone because you are so god damn tired of their undersea puns.

Cajun good news and bad news

Thibodaux walks up to Boudreaux and says, "Boudreaux, I've got some good news and some bad news; which do you want to hear first?" Ol Boudreaux replies, "Told me the bad news, den the good news cheer me up!" "Well git holt of yourself; we found your wife, dead, floating down the bayou."

"Oh my ya!" Boudreaux cries. "Das horrible!!! What could possibly be de good news????"

Thibodaux replies, "Well, when we pulled her out the bayou, we found 4 or 8 blue crab on her.... We're gonna run her again in the morning!"

So a man gets back from a holiday.

and he's showing his family a photo album. He gets to one picture and says, look this is a little monkey called a macaque, and it's diet consists mostly of crabs. His family is somewhat impressed and enjoy the cute picture.
The man then says "Well if you liked that, you'll love these!" turns the page and the family let out cries of disgust and horror. surprised, the man says "What? it's just another picture of a crab eating macaque."

Some bad news, some good news and some really great news

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.”

“Well, tell me!” the man said.

The policeman said: “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said: “Give me the bad news first.”

So the policeman said: “I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in the bay.”

“Oh my god!,” said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked: “What’s the good news?”

“Well,” said the policeman, “When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crab on her.”

“If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?” Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said: “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.”

My Alg II teacher told us this one (Part 1)

There was a man named Boodro who lives in Louisiana. He has had just gotten done crab fishing and had went into town with a bucket full of crabs. His friend Tibbideux comes out of a nearby store, and sees his bucket. Tibbideux says, "Hey, what's in that bucket?" And Boodro replies, "I got crabs in this bucket." His friend says "I guess how many crabs is in that bucket, you gotta give me one." So Boodro says "If you guess how many crabs is in this bucket, I'll give you both of em." Tibbideux says "Alright. They's three crabs in that bucket."

Mr. Lee Wong was a fisherman. He was a kind, honest, and generous person.

He recently hired a man to help him fish. And the man suggested they try fishing in a secret spot he knew about.

As they cast their nets in the hidden cove, the man said, "Mr. Wong, I have a secret to tell. I am an evil man."

"Oh? Why is that?" asked Lee.

"Because, I have a pet sea monster. And I feed people to it. Just like you!" And with that, he pushed Mr. Wong over the side of the boat.

But Lee managed to grab the evil man's arm, and pulled him overboard as well.

As they fell into the water, a giant crab emerged. It grabbed him with its claws, breaking his bones, squeezing the air from his lungs, and dragging him into the murky depths below.

And that's the story of the dead Lee crushed Asian, the Wong guy died.

Shipwrecked!

After a messy divorce, a middle aged man decides he needs to take some time for himself, and decides to take a cruise in the South Pacific to let off some steam and relax.

He's enjoying the trip, relaxing and mostly keeping to himself, when suddenly the clouds darken and a huge storm springs up. The ship begins to pitch and roll. People are panicking. The captain announces that the ship is going to sink. Just as the man slips on his life jacket and begins to head for the lifeboats a huge wave washes over the ship and spills him into the sea.

The storm carries him swiftly away from the ship. Soon all he can see in the darkness are the flames as the ship slowly sinks into the abyss. The storm passes and the sea begins to calm. After a few hours of floating in the vast, black emptiness, the man succumbs to exhaustion and falls into a fitful sleep.

He wakes up the next morning and finds that he has washed up on a small island. Exploring, he comes across a set of human foot prints in the sand. He follows them, and a few hours later he rounds a corner and finds himself face to face with Natalie Portman!

At first he is quite starstruck, but over the next several days he and Natalie soon discover that they are the only inhabitants of the island. As days turn into weeks and weeks into months, it becomes apparent that no one is coming to rescue them.

He and the lovely Miss Portman spend months building signal fires, creating shelters and rain cathers, and fishing for food. Over time, familiarity breeds friendship, and eventually they fall in love.

One night, after a nice meal of roasted crab and bananas, he looks deeply into Natalie's eyes. "Darling," he says, "we have grown very close over the long time we've been stuck on this island together."

"I have grown to love you, but I need you to do something for me. You might find it a little strange."

A little apprehensive, Natalie asks what he would like her to do.

"I want you to take some ashes from the camp fire and paint a mustache on your upper lip. And then I want you to dress in my clothes, so you look like a man."

Natalie finds this request a little strange, but she has grown to love our hero. Without a word, she does what she asks. Finally, she turns to him and stands, expectantly.

"That's perfect," he says. "You look perfect." And he walks away, down the beach and disappears into the jungle.

Confused, Natalie watches him walk off in the distance. She sits down and begins wondering if perhaps she had displeased him in some way.

After about 30 minutes, she feels a tap on her shoulder. The man had backtracked around behind her, and quietly crept up unnoticed.

"Hey buddy," he says with a smug grin on his face. "I'M DOING NATALIE PORTMAN!!"

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