Old People Jokes

What do kids yell at old people who are just trying to play? GET OFF MY LAN!

Why do old people like golf? Just like in their life, the goal is to get the least amount of strokes before you go in the hole

Why do we give mud baths to old people? To get them used to dirt.

Why do you see a lot more old people attending church than you see young people? Cramming for the final.

When Amy Schumer was growing up and she told people that she wanted to be a comedian, people laughed at her. No one is laughing now.

What kid of music do old people listen to? Hip-Pop

Old people love My grandma rubbed butter on granddad's feet when he was ill. He went downhill fast after that.

A couple in an old people’s home we’re having an argument, Margaret found out Egbert had been cheating. Egbert did love a handjob. Margaret said to Egbert ‘What does Dorothy have that I don’t?
Egbert replied ‘Parkinsons’.

What’s the difference between necrophilia and old people fetish? A couple of weeks.





(Source: h3h3 comments)

What do you call a match-making service for realy old people? "Carbon-Dating"

Old people poke me at weddings and tell me "you're next" So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

The 200m sprint world record for 100+ years old people has been improved today! It is now 163m.

Old people always poke me at weddings and say "You're next" So I started doing the same to them at funerals

I like to play chess with old people in the park. Although I will admit that it is difficult to round up 32 of them and get them to play in costume.

Old people kept poking me at weddings and saying "You are next" So at funerals I do the same to them

I don't know why old people drive so slowly.. If you're 85 you should be driving 85, you ain't got much time left!

What has 100 eyes and 2 teeth? A bus full of old people..

What has 2 eyes and 100 teeth?

A crocodile

How many old people does it take to change a light bulb? None...they don't like change

Old people at weddings always poke me and say,"you're next." So, I started doing the same thing to them at funerals....

My grandfather, who served in Vietnam, asked me what sticks to young and old people alike: Apparently napalm wasn’t the answer.

A new Pirates of the Caribbean movie is like old people nudity at the public swimming pool. You don't want to see it but you still end up seeing it anyway.

Old People Always Poke Me Old people at wedding always poke me and say
You Are the Next
.
.
So, I Started Doing The Same Thing To Them At Funerals

What do old people taste like? Depends...

Why do a lot of old people move to Florida? Because they hate liberal snowflakes.

Why do old people love golf? It’s all about getting the least strokes

Why are there so many old people in church? They’re cramming for the final

Do old people wear boxers or briefs? Depends.

Why is there so many old people in church? Cramming for the final

Can we start a national walkout for old people who try to pay for things with the exact amount of coins? I've been waiting for change for too long.

What’s the difference between necrophilia and old people fetish? A couple of weeks.

A teacher asked me why my daughter's name was so weird... She asked why I had spelled it like E.M.M.A instead of just Emma, and I said that it describes the phrase that I told people when I let them know my SO was pregnant,

"Everyone. Makes. Mistakes. Alright?"

How do old people stay in ouch with their deceased friends? Through social mediums.


(Read this on Facebook. Take no credit, but I don't remember who said it.)

Why can't old people print? They can't Ctrl P

Wedding vs Funeral Old people at **Weddings** always poke me and say **"You are NEXT"**.

So, I started doing the same thing to them at **Funerals**.

Why is it that old people say there's no place like home Yet when you put them in one...

What technology are old people better at using than young people? Life support.

Did you hear about the Mexican man who went to the old people home to visit his grandpa? See senior.

I just got a job as a senior director in a nursing home. I tell old people where to go.

On old people... It doesn't matter what you tell them, they can't hear you anyway