Old People Jokes

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Funniest Old People Jokes

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable. He’s explaining Facebook to old people.

Funny Old People Jokes

What do kids yell at old people who are just trying to play? GET OFF MY LAN!

My grandfather saw the Titanic and he warned everyone that it would sink, but no one listened He told people a few more times and then he was kicked out of the cinema

Why do old people like golf? Just like in their life, the goal is to get the least amount of strokes before you go in the hole

Why do we give mud baths to old people? To get them used to dirt.

Why did the Coronavirus cross the road? Cuz it likes to walk old people to the other side.

When Amy Schumer was growing up and she told people that she wanted to be a comedian, people laughed at her. No one is laughing now.

What kid of music do old people listen to? Hip-Pop

Old people love My grandma rubbed butter on granddad's feet when he was ill. He went downhill fast after that.

What do old people and strippers have in common? They don't like change.

Why are there so many old people in church? They’re cramming for the final

Died laughing Had my first gig as a stand-up comedian at an old people's home last night. They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.

A couple in an old people’s home we’re having an argument, Margaret found out Egbert had been cheating. Egbert did love a handjob. Margaret said to Egbert ‘What does Dorothy have that I don’t?
Egbert replied ‘Parkinsons’.

What’s the difference between necrophilia and old people fetish? A couple of weeks.





(Source: h3h3 comments)

What do you call a match-making service for realy old people? "Carbon-Dating"

When people ask me what I do for a living I just tell them I'm a senior analyst It sounds better than saying I just stare at old people all day

Why did the feminist's bakery go out of business? She told people to stop patronizing her.

Old people poke me at weddings and tell me "you're next" So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

The 200m sprint world record for 100+ years old people has been improved today! It is now 163m.

Old people always poke me at weddings and say "You're next" So I started doing the same to them at funerals

I like to play chess with old people in the park. Although I will admit that it is difficult to round up 32 of them and get them to play in costume.

Old people kept poking me at weddings and saying "You are next" So at funerals I do the same to them

What has 100 eyes and 2 teeth? A bus full of old people..

What has 2 eyes and 100 teeth?

A crocodile

my friend thought of a name for a dating app for old people I've fallen for you and I cant get up

I don't know why old people drive so slowly.. If you're 85 you should be driving 85, you ain't got much time left!

A new Pirates of the Caribbean movie is like old people nudity at the public swimming pool. You don't want to see it but you still end up seeing it anyway.

How many old people does it take to change a light bulb? None...they don't like change

My grandfather, who served in Vietnam, asked me what sticks to young and old people alike: Apparently napalm wasn’t the answer.

Old people at weddings always poke me and say,"you're next." So, I started doing the same thing to them at funerals....

Old People Always Poke Me Old people at wedding always poke me and say
You Are the Next
.
.
So, I Started Doing The Same Thing To Them At Funerals

Why do old people love golf? It’s all about getting the least strokes

2 old people sitting on a bench one turns to the other and says my butt fell asleep the other says yep i heard it snore a couple of times.

What do old people taste like? Depends...

Apple slows their old phones and everyone loses their mind God has been doing this to old people for centuries and no one bats an eye...

They're coming out with a Dragon Ball Z for old people. It's called Draggin' Balls Z

Why do a lot of old people move to Florida? Because they hate liberal snowflakes.

What’s the difference between necrophilia and old people fetish? A couple of weeks.

Do old people wear boxers or briefs? Depends.

My grandfather saw the Titanic and he warned everyone that it would sink, but nobody would listen. He told people a few more times and then he was kicked out of the cinema.

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New Old People Jokes

Old people always poke me at weddings and say: “you’re next” So I started to do the same thing to them at funerals

Why do Old People have so many Doctors appointments? So they don't get bored in retirement.

I dont understand why old people are so afraid of those of us who drive cars. I mean car owner, why us?

Why did the Coronavirus cross the road? It likes to take old people to the other side.

What do you call to an old people's frisbee? A Boomerang

Old people are at the greatest risk of coronavirus. shutting down the restaurants they are going to starve to death.

What's 60 feet long and stinks of piss? A conga in an old people's home

What has 122 teeth and 2 eyes ? A crocodile. What has 122 eyes and 2 teeth ? A bus full of old people.

Young people listen to hip hop. Old people listen to hip pop.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that old people can use smartphones The elder scrolls

It’s freezing in Florida, which means iguanas might start falling from trees. All the old people aren’t too worried about this though. They’re used to a reptile dysfunction

What do swimming pools and old people have in common? Deep ends

When I was a little boy and told people I was going to be a comedian, everyone laughed at me Well, no one's laughing now

I know a lot of old people jokes However they all seem to die out.

Why do old people print so slowly? They can't Ctrl P

I was gonna make a joke about old people... But it would take you a lifetime to understand

I'm running a film music orchestra for old people It's the Hans Zimmer frame orchestra.

When you gas an old people's home ..... Silence of the nans

Why can't old people print? They can't Ctrl P

What’s blue and f*cks old people? Hypothermia.

There are two types of old people, the ones who have Alzheimer There are two types of old people.

I just got a job as a senior director in a nursing home. I tell old people where to go.

I don't appreciate jokes about old people. I find them dated...

I love Old People jokes... They never get old

Can we start a national walkout for old people who try to pay for things with the exact amount of coins? I've been waiting for change for too long.

Why is there so many old people in church? Cramming for the final

Where do old people go to the bathroom? Depends

Why is it that old people say there's no place like home Yet when you put them in one...

Wedding vs Funeral Old people at **Weddings** always poke me and say **"You are NEXT"**.

So, I started doing the same thing to them at **Funerals**.

What do old people do with their cars when they are to old to drive them? They tow them behind their motor home.

On old people... It doesn't matter what you tell them, they can't hear you anyway

I hear that everyone loves it when you share your political views, so this is what I stand for... the national anthem, old people on the bus and if someone yells "your chair is on fire"

A teacher asked me why my daughter's name was so weird... She asked why I had spelled it like E.M.M.A instead of just Emma, and I said that it describes the phrase that I told people when I let them know my SO was pregnant,

"Everyone. Makes. Mistakes. Alright?"

Why is it old people say “there’s no place like home” Yet when you put them in one…

Why is it... old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one...

How do old people stay in ouch with their deceased friends? Through social mediums.


(Read this on Facebook. Take no credit, but I don't remember who said it.)

What do old people with Alzheimer's often say? I don't remember.

Old people shouldn't eat health foods... They need all the preservatives they can get!

Old people at weddings always poke me and say your next So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals

Why don't old people like tennis? There's too much racket

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Long Old People Jokes

I was in a long McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.

Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over.

Don't honk your horn at old people.

A nun stood outside a tavern, scolding patrons as they entered about the evils of alcohol...

One gent stops to discuss the matter:

“See here, Sister- it’s really not fair for you to stand there and scold people on a subject on which you yourself have no experience. I mean- have you ever even tried alcohol? Even once?”

“Most certainly not!” the nun says, blushing.

“Well listen- wouldn’t it make a little sense if you at least tried some before you knocked it?”

The nun thinks about it, then says- “Perhaps you’re right.”

“Okay! Now we’re talking! What would you like to try?”

“I’ve heard something about a... Fuzzy Navel with a twist of lemon.”

“Comin’ right up, Sister!”

The guy walks in and orders a Fuzzy Navel with a twist of lemon. The bartender goes- “A Fuzzy Navel with a twist of le— IS THAT NUN OUT THERE AGAIN?!?”

Grandpa gets Audited

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!

Messing with the Taxman...

THE TAX MAN CALLS.
The Taxman decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the Tax office.

The taxman was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his accountant.

The taxman said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the tax office finds that believable.'

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The taxman thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pounds that I can bite my own eye.'

The taxman thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The taxman's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the taxman can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his false teeth and bites his good eye.

The stunned taxman now realises he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's accountant as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?', Grandpa asks? 'I'll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on this side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The taxman, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old man could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much pees all over the taxman's desk.

The taxman leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own accountant moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?', the taxman asks.

'Not really,' says the accountant. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand pounds that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess wth Old People . . .
We may be old, but we are not stupid!

Whenever she was asked her name, a little girl told people, “I’m Mr. Anderson’s daughter.”

Her mother told her this was wrong. Instead, she must say, "I'm Sarah Anderson."

At the grocery store she was approached by a friend of her fathers. He asked, "Aren't you Mr. Anderson’s daughter?"

Sarah replied, "I thought I was, but my mother says I'm not."

JUST DEPENDS

Two old people flirt at a seniors' singles bar. After a few drinks, the old man asks the old woman, "If I took you out for a full night of wining, dining and dancing, what would you wear?"

The old woman replies shyly, "Depends... ."

"Depends on what?" he asks.

"On my bottom -- where else?!"

A stand up comic gets a gig to perform at an old age home......

Soon into his act he notices that most of the old people there are pretty out of it so he tries to tell the same joke twice and people still laugh cos they have already forgotten that they just now heard it.

So he gets a kick out of it and keeps telling the same joke for half an hour and towards the end of it he notices that one old guy is staring at him. He finishes his half hour and is about to leave and that old guy approaches him.

The comic is a bit nervous that the old guy is gonna confront him about what he just did. He braces himself for some uncomfortable confrontation and the old guy ask him "How do you remember all those jokes?!"

An old man seems very happy at the old people's home...

..his daughter asks him how its all going. He replies "Fine"
"Are you sleeping ok?" she enquires.
"Oh yes," he replies, " very well - every evening they give me a cup of warm cocoa and a viagra... I sleep as sound as anything!"
The daughter thinks this is a little odd but decides not to comment. Later she asks the Nurse if this is indeed correct.
"Oh yes!" replies the nurse, "We do it for all the older men... the cocoa sends them off to sleep and the Viagra stops them from rolling out of bed!"

Little kid in sunday school

the teacher is asking the 5 year olds questions, and asks one specific question to little Suzie; "And why is it important for us to be quiet when we're listening to the sermon, Suzie?" To which she replied, "because the old people are sleeping."

Rudeness vs Kindness

Rudeness vs Kindness

I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me honked and yelled at me; very upset because maybe I was taking too long to pay.

Wow. “Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So I paid for her food.

As I moved up and she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me, because the cashier told her I paid for her food. She felt embarrassed.

When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipts and took her food too. I paid for it, it was mine!

Now she has to wait even longer. She’s gonna learn today you just don't mess with us old people.

Two old people...

Two old people sitting on a park bench. First guy says "hey I just got this new hearing aid. It's great! It's super comfortable, you can't even see it when I'm wearing it and it only cost me $160!"
"Wow, what kind is it?" Asks the other.
"About a quarter to one."

Third time is the charm.

A grocery store opened early for senior citizens. A long, orderly line began to form. Suddenly a young man tried to cut in line and was subsequently beaten by an old woman with a cane and chased back to his car. A few minutes later the young man tried it again only this time he was punched in the stomach by an old man and he ran away. The third time the young man walked up and yelled, "If you old people don't let me unlock the door, none of us are getting in!"

Two old men

Fred and Bob were sitting in an old people's home.

"Fred," says Bob, "Do you remember those pills they gave us back in the war to stop us being interested in girls?"

"Oh yes," chuckles Fred, "I'd forgotten about them. Never did much good, did they!"

"Well, I don't know," replies Bob. "I was just thinking that they might be starting to work."

A tour bus driver and old people joke.

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he greatfully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

A stand-up comic gets a gig to perform at a old age home.

Soon into his act he notices that most of the old people there are pretty out of it so he tries to tell the same joke twice and people still laugh cos they have already forgot that they just now heard it.

So he gets a kick out of it and keep telling the same joke for half an hour and towards the end of it he notices one of the old guy staring at him. He finishes his half hour and is about to leave and that old guy approaches him.

The comic is a bit nervous that the old guy is gonna confront him about what he just did. He braces himself for some uncomfortable confrontation and the old guy ask him "How do you remember all that jokes?!"

I went to the old peoples retirement home yesterday. I wish I hadn't because this happened. One of the old grandpas was watching the news and said to me 'ooh, I'd like to go to Area 51'

I said, you're already there.
He didn't laugh, and asked me for some money for the bus to get to Area 51.
He looked at me dead in the eye and said "all I need is tree fiddy".

Old People And Nastiness

A very old couple wanted to have children, so they went to their doctor and told him their problem. The doctor gave the couple a tiny jar and told them to fill it up. About a week later, the couple came back.

"I tried with my right hand until it gave out, and I tried with my left hand until it gave out," said the man.

"And I tried with both hands until they gave out," said the woman. "And we still can't get the lid off the jar."

[Read This Outloud and fast To a Friend and See if they're smart and good listeners]

Three Buildings that are next to each other all caught on fire at the same time. The first building has children inside of it, the Second building has About to be extinct animals and the cure too cancer and finally the third building has Old people. The ambulance quickly arrives... which Building would it extinguish the fire from first?






Trick: Say ambulance quickly and watch then think deeply about which building should be put down first and then make them realize that ambulances aren't firetrucks LMAO

Old joke from when my dad was a kid

My dad told me that when he was a kid in Romania (late 1960's). The old people in the town told him that if you take meat and rub it against the school at night that dogs would come and eat the school and there would be no school the next day.

Don’t mess...

The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said,
“I would like to withdraw $500.”

The female teller told her,
“For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM.”
The old lady then asked,
“Why?”

The teller irritably told her,
“These are Covid19 rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you.” She then returned the card to the old lady.

The old lady remained silent…
but then she returned the card to the teller and said,
“Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”

The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance.
She nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady,
“My apologies Granny, you have $3.5 million in your account and our bank does not have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?”

The old lady then asked,
“How much am I able to withdraw now?”
The teller told her,
“Any amount up to $300,000”

The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw
$300,000 from her account.

The teller did so quickly and handed it to the old lady respectfully.

The old lady kept $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $299,500 back into her account.

Don’t be difficult with old people. . .
We can outwit the young & dumb.

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