Filthy Jokes

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Funniest Filthy Jokes

Funny Filthy Jokes

A joke so absolutely filthy I can't put it in the title Rio Olympics

Why did Gollum leave the room every time Sam and Frodo lit their pipes? He couldn't stand being around such filthy habitses.

Abortion clinics should be banned Those doctors demonstrate a complete lack of humanity. Spawn killing is a filthy tactic.

I'm halfway towards my goal of becoming filthy rich. Now I just have to have to figure out the rich part.

Did you hear about the nun who procrastinated doing her laundry? She had a filthy habit

How many dubstep fans does it take to clean a shower? 100.

1 to actually clean the shower, and 99 to stand around and talk about how filthy it is.

The 2 Golden Rules of Religion 1) Be kind to other people.

2) KILL THE FILTHY INFIDELS!!!!

Two nuns are sitting on a park bench Sister Carol lights a cigarette and Sister Beatrice declares:
‘That’s a filthy habit’

Sister Carol replies: ‘blame Sister Mary, she washes the bloody things’.

After 12 years in prison ..... After 12 years in prison, a man finally breaks out. When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, “Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!”

After 12 years in prison, a man finally breaks out. When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, “Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!

The doctor told me that my friend is in stable condition. The room is filthy and there's horseshit everywhere.

What do you call a filthy memer? Banned from Askreddit

What's the difference between a huge-titted lobster and a filthy bus stop? One's a busty crustacean the other's a crusty bus station

What's the difference is between a lobster with breast implants and a filthy bus depot? One is a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus-station!
*edited because I screwed up my original punchline...

Have you heard of the nun who never washed her clothes? It was a filthy habit

What's Donald Trump's favorite Pink Floyd Album? The Dark Side of the Moon... What a filthy casual.

If I ever become a filthy millionaire, I'm gonna string 50 smartwatches together and create a batman belt of gadgets out of them I know it's a waist of time, but it'll be worth it.

I will stop showering and then change my name into Richard. That way I will become filthy rich.

Why does my son Richard like playing in the mud? Because he then becomes filthy Rich.

I gotta stop the filthy double entendre jokes But it's so, so hard

How can you be filthy rich and piss-poor at same time? Dehydration.

What goes in dry and comes out wet? The longer its in the stronger it gets? What am i? A tea bag you filthy animals....

So, there were two nuns... ...and one of them says to the other 'sister, I've got a filthy *habit*'

'Why? Have you not washed it in a while?'

'No,' she replied. 'I'm a crack addict.'

Man in prison After 12 years in prison, a man finally breaks out. When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, “Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!”

What does Gollum think about Gandalf's smoking addiction? Stupid, filthy habitses!

A Mick and Wop walk into a sub shop One orders the Italian, the other orders a filthy stinking drunk.

Find a penny, pick it up, And all day long you'll have good luck...




And good, cos you're really going to need a bit of luck now! You just picked up a filthy pavement penny during a pandemic and shoved it in your pocket!

Wife and Husband in a luxury hotel on a dinner While they were eating, Wife drops some sauce on her dress...
Wife: oh look at me, I am all like a filthy animal!
Husband: yeah, plus you got that stain on your dress now, smh.

I currently work as a kitchen hand.. So when someone asks me what type of job I have, I can tell them I have a filthy one

Forever Late After 12 years in prison, a man 
finally breaks out. When he 
gets home, filthy and exhausted, 
his wife says, “Where have 
you been? You escaped eight hours ago!”

YSK: Coins and banknotes are filthy and covered in germs, and their use during this pandemic should stopped, as they can further spread disease. Alternatively you could start cleaning all your money, but money laundering is illegal.

What the difference between a filthy bus station and a crab with implants? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean ......

Why do nuns always wear such clean clothes? Because their mother superiors don't tolerate any filthy habits.

There are two types of people in the world... Those that pee in the shower, and those that are filthy liars.

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Long Filthy Jokes

A man once bought a parrot

After bringing it home, he realizes that the parrot has the most vile, filthy vulgar vocabulary. The man, on the other hand, was educated and polite and this caused him great embarrassment.
After a few days, the man has had enough and tells the parrot "If you don't behave yourself, I'm going to throw you in the closet". The parrot responds with a load of filth, so the man throws him in the closet.
The parrot continues to spew garbage from the closet, so the man opens the closet and grabs the parrot with both hands. The parrot continues to curse and slander as the man walks to the kitchen, opens the freezer, throws the parrot in there and slams it shut.
As the man listens, the parrot curses for a few seconds, but then suddenly, it goes silent. A few minutes go by and the man is worried that maybe the parrot died, so he opens the freezer door. The parrot comes out with trembling feet, climbs up on the man's shoulder and says "Master, you will not hear another uncultured word come out of my mouth as long as I live. But Master, may I ask one last question?"
The man is astonished at this sudden change and says "Uhmm sure"
The parrot says "What exactly did the chicken do?"

The milkman and the baker

There once was a milkman in a village. He was very shy but always very honest. He was always very meticulous about giving a person the exact amount of milk they wanted.

So you could imagine the milkman's surprise when he found a court summons waiting for him at his house.

He was very nervous as he had never brushed up against the law before. So, when the court day came, he put on his best suit, brushed his hair, and went on his way.

When he stepped into the court, he saw the baker in the plaintiff's bench. The milkman went into the defendant's bench and waited for the judge to speak.

"Baker, what is your complaint?" asked the judge.

"Well, here's the situation. Everyday I order a pound of milk. But, whenever *I* go to weigh it, it's always less than a pound. I want to be compensated for all of the money that was stolen from me by that filthy milkman!"

The judge turned to the milkman and asked, "Well, how do you plead?"

"Not guilty, your honor."

"Is it possible that your scale you use to weigh is not correct?" asked the judge.

"Well, your honor, I am not the richest man so I can't afford the most expensive scale. But I am positive that what I use is satisfactory."

The judge thought for a moment and then asked, "Is it possible that the stones you use as the counterbalance on the scale are slightly off?"

"I don't use stones." The milkman said plainly.

"So, what *do* you use?" The judge asked, exasperated.

"I use the pound of bread I get from the baker as the counterbalance."

Locked My Keys In The Car

A devout lady was feeling drowsy while driving home on a quiet highway, so she pulled over, and got out for a walk and some fresh air. When she returned to her car, she was horrified to discover that she had locked her keys inside. She searched her pockets but found nothing to help; no keys; no phone. And not one car had passed along this quiet highway during the 15 minutes that she had pulled over.

Eventually, once she had calmed down, she prayed to the Lord for help. And five minutes later, she heard a loud vehicle, and looked up to see a motorcycle approach, so she waved for help.

The motorcycle rider was an untidy bearded man in shades and bandana, wearing a disreputable studded jacket, filthy jeans and heavy black boots. The rider toed down his side-stand, swung his leg off the saddle, and stood up, reaching for a cigarette. He looked at her and growled: “So what’s your story?”


The lady replied “Oh Thank the Lord that you have come! I’ve locked my keys into my car and all I can do is pray.”


The biker walked up to the car and looked through the window, and sure enough, the keys were hanging in the ignition. He looked around for something to open the door, and spotted a nearby barb wire fence. With some twisting and bending, he managed to break off a piece of wire, and with the help of a flattened beer can, he inserted the wire next to the window, looped it into the door catch, and opened the lock.


The lady was delighted. She said “Oh thank you my Lord for sending me an angel. You are a wonderful man! Thank you so much!”


The biker replied: “Don’t say stuff like that, lady. I’m not a good man. I’ve been a burglar and car thief for most of my life, and only last week got out of jail.”


The lady exclaimed “Oh praise God for sending a professional!”

A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a politician went on a hike

Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.

They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.

The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”

The Hindu priest said, “I need no material comforts. I will gladly take the barn.”

The rabbi and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the Hindu priest standing there.

“So sorry, my friends, but there is a cow in the barn, and I cannot sleep beside such a holy animal.”

The rabbi said, “No problem, my brother. I’ll take the barn.

The Hindu priest and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the rabbi standing there.

“So sorry, my friends, but there’s a pig in the barn, and I can’t sleep beside such a filthy animal.”

The politician said, “OK, let it be remembered that I sacrificed my comfort for the greater good.”

The rabbi and the Hindu priest were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the pig and the cow standing there.

A Blonde, a Redhead, and a Brunette are running from some guards in a medieval castle c.1320.

They stumble into a storage room on the far side of the keep that is piled high with boxes, barrels and sacks. The Redhead hurriedly empties a bunch of potatoes out of one of the burlaps and climbs inside. The Brunette and the Blonde quickly follow suit.
The guards are about to rush past the store room but hear something inside and go to investigate: no one appears to be in there.
One of the guards quizzically gives a sharp kick to an oddly placed bag--the one the Brunette is hiding in--and is rewarded with an irritated "MEOW!"
"Just a filthy cat," explains the guard, as he kicks another.
This time it's the Redheads: "Woof W^oooo^ooof," emits a high pitched yelp!
"Just a bloody dog, then," says the guard.
He kicks a third sack, and this time it's the Blonde's. Thinking she has caught on to the trick she exclaims, "Potato! Potato! Potato!"

So an American WWII soldier finally takes a break from the frontlines...

So an American WWII soldier finally takes a break from the frontlines and is on a train to London, where he will tour for the next week or so.
He boards a train and notices that there are no empty seats, as it is overcrowded, and begins to search for an empty seat. He walks to one end of the train, and notices that a dog is sleeping in one of the seats. He says to the owner, a well dressed woman in her thirties, "lady, can you move your pooch so I can sit? I'm awfully tired."
She replies, "how dare you, you and your American attitude, trying to disturb my precious Petunia from her slumber. Such rudeness!!"
The soldier heads to the other end in his search, and sees no other alternative. Again, he asked the lady to move it, and she says, "rude AND arrogant, or do you have no ability to process what I'm saying through that thick skull of yours?"
Taking no more of this, he picks the dog up and throws it out the window. The lady screams, and tells everyone to shame and chastise the rude filthy American.
To her delight, a well dressed gentleman stands up and says, "you Americans, do everything wrong: you eat with the fork in the wrong hand, drive on the wrong side of the road, punctuate your quotations strangely, and make your tea incorrectly. Now you've done it again! You damned American, you threw the wrong b*tch out the window!!!"

A little boy walks into his local corner store...

He goes in with his weekly allowance from his parents, usually to get a candy bar or something. But this time, to the cashier's surprise he brings up a bottle of laundry detergent. "What do you need this for, kid?" asks the cashier. The young boy explains how his dog is filthy and needs a bath. The cashier explains to him, that it is a terrible idea and may even kill the dog. The kid listens to the advice, but proceeds and buys it anyways. A week or so later, the kid goes into the store and brings a candy bar up to the counter. The cashier rings him up and asks "Hey, so is your dog alright?" to which the little boy replies "no, he died". The cashier tells him, "I told you it was a bad idea to clean him with laundry detergent!" and the little boy replies, "I don't think it was the detergent that did it, I think it was the rinse cycle."

We know its not enough but we hope you are satisfied.

Michael was looking for a quick money making opportunity and he stumbled upon a great business idea. He found out that a rich Arabic country was looking for some food imports. He did his research and found out that the said country had never had onions before.

So he filled a big transport ship with onions and send it to the Arabic country. He waited and waited for the response. Few weeks later the ship came back with a letter. It said, " Oh my lord! you have sent us the best thing ever! We never knew food can taste so good. This "onion" thing is the best thing that has happened to our country. We can't thank you enough. We don't think any amount of money can justify your contribution to this country. Before your "onions" we thought Gold was the most precious thing. Hence, we have filled your whole ship with Gold as your payment. We know its not enough but we hope you are satisfied."

Michael just stared at the letter. He just got filthy rich. He threw a big party to celebrate his success. His friend, David, got jealous seeing Michael's sudden success and asked him what happened. Michael told him the whole story. Back home David did his own research and found out that the Arabic country had never had Garlic.

Next day, David filled a bigger transport ship with garlic and sent it to the country. He waited and waited and few weeks later, the ship came back with a letter: "Oh my freaking lord! You have sent us the best thing ever! We never knew food can taste so good. This "garlic" thing is the best thing that has happened to our country. We can't thank you enough. We don't think any amount of money can justify your contribution to this country. Before your "garlic" we thought "onions" was the most precious thing we had. Hence, we have filled your whole ship with "onions" as your payment. We know its not enough but we hope you are satisfied."

Two Italian men get on a bus...

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The stern looking older lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma comma first. I comma next. Assa comma twice. I comma once again. Assa comma two more times. I comma again. Pee pee twice. Then I comma for the last time."

"I want this man arrested for talking filthy in public" retorts the lady indignantly.

"Calm down lady" says the guy sitting next to her. "He is just telling the other guy how to spell Mississippi"

A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a politician went hiking.

Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.

They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.

The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”

The Hindu priest said, “I need no material comforts. I will gladly take the barn.”

The rabbi and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the Hindu priest standing there.

“So sorry, my friends, but there is a cow in the barn, and I cannot sleep beside such a holy animal.”

The rabbi said, “No problem, my brother. I’ll take the barn.

The Hindu priest and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the rabbi standing there.

“So sorry, my friends, but there’s a pig in the barn, and I can’t sleep beside such a filthy animal.”

The politician said, “OK, let it be remembered that I sacrificed my comfort for the greater good.”

The rabbi and the Hindu priest were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the pig and the cow standing there.

Never mess with a redneck

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party ...
... and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its @$$! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising h***. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the idiot who pushed me in the pool"!

This guy goes to a psychiatrist.

The doctor shows him an inkblot and asks him what it looks like. 


"A naked woman." He shows him another inkblot and asks him the same question.


"A naked woman on a bed."

Yet another blot, "Naked woman spreading her cheeks." This continues for a while.


"You're a sick pervert!" the psychiatrist exclaims. 
"I'm not the pervert. You keep showing me all these filthy pictures!"

Wife asks her husband to go bowling

She : "Honey do you want to go bowling tonight? We could also stay at home, make it cosy and watch a movie?"

He : "I really don't feel like putting my fingers in holes where everybody has already been with their filthy sweaty fingers.. come on let's go bowling"

I walked into a public restroom

and saw a guy staring into a filthy toilet with a quarter at the bottom. He stood there looking conflicted for a minute, then pulled a twenty dollar bill from his wallet and threw it into the toilet. Then he reached into the muck and pulled out the twenty dollar bill and the quarter.

I asked him, "Why on earth would you throw twenty dollars into a filthy toilet?"

He replied, "Well, there's no way I was going to stick my hand in there for a lousy quarter!"

An Englishman and a Frenchman are walking through the desert...

When to nobodies real surprise a genie appears and offers to grant them a wish each.

The Frenchman goes first. "I would like to be transported back to my wonderful muzzer country, where you will 'ave built a great wall around all ze borders to protect ze beautiful 'omeland of ze French master race from ze filthy foreigners."

And poof, the genie grants his wish and the Frenchman is gone.

The Englishman says "Tell me more about this wall."

The genie responds "Well it's five hundred feet high, two hundred feet thick and absolutely impenetrable to any human force."

The Englishman says "Fill it with water."

This woman is sitting on the bus behind two Italians . . .

She can't help but overhear their conversation. One guy says to the other, "Emma comma first. Then I comma. Then the two asses, they comma togetha. Then I come again. Then, the two asses come together again. Then I come again, then pee twice. Then I come again."

The woman says, "Excuse me, but you need to take your filthy conversation elsewhere."

And the Italian responds, "What? I was justa teachin' my friend how to spell Mississippi!"

In ancient times, an mighty warrior of the Germanic tribes cut a swathe through the Roman Legions.

His name was Dolf, but he was more commonly called by another name, whispered by mothers to their children as a warning - "The Red", owing to the spatters of Roman blood that covered his wolfskin armour after battles.

It was a week before Christmas night that Dolf strode into a small inn, owned by an old ex-centurion and his family. He demanded an ale, and when the barkeeper querulously asked for payment of three copper pieces, Dolf glowered at him and said: "Do you see my wolfskin armour, old man? Do you see the blood spatters on the fur? Do you not know who I am," and glancing at the old Roman armour and sword handing above the fireplace, spat out, "you filthy old centurion?"

The barkeeper's wife, who'd been listening with one ear, looked over at Dolf and said, "You, braggart, are rude, filthy and German. And your 'blood spatters' are just dark patches where the rain has soaked in."

"IT'S NOT RAIN, IT'S BLOOD, YOU ROMAN WITCH!" screamed Dolf, pulling out his sword. He then proceeded to slaughter everyone in the inn, the surrounding villages, and nearby farms. He climbed trees to stab the birds, set cruel traps to maul the animals, and spent three days sifting through the dirt around the inn to find all the insects burrowed there, and squash them with his mighty knuckle.

Finally, when his spate of death was complete, it was Christmas night. He walked over to the now flayed innkeepers wife, who was trussed above the fire. Sticking his bloody face into hers, he said, "Rude Dolf the Red *knows* rain, dear."

The Parrot Joke.

!Okay, so, this single fellow in his mid forties has a parrot. He just recently acquired his new feathered friend at the local aviary. However recently the creature has been acting strange. It swears endlessly all day. The man does not swear around the bird and can't understand where it picked up such fowl speech.

After a party hosted at his house gets ruined by the birds filthy mouth the man has had enough! After his friends leave the man picks the bird up and yells "why are you acting this way!?" The bird lurches back at strikes out at the man; injuring him in a minor fashion. The fellow grabs the bird and swings open the freezer door. The parrot wrestling about and screaming the whole time. He plunges the parrot into the freezer and slams the door while falling with his back against the freezer door in one motion.

NOW THE PARROT IS FREAKIN OUT. Buckling the fridge from side to side with its rage fueled flapping. Suddenly, all at once, it stopped. There was no flapping.. no screaming or swearing. He opened the door slowly. The parrot flies up and meets the mans hand with an innocent demeanor. The parrot looks down for a moment. Then speaks to the man. "Sir , I'd like to apologize, my manners have been awful & I have been so unappreciative.". The man is shocked! What has caused this drastic turn around? Before he could speak the parrot interrupted. "I'm sorry sir, I have just one question... what did the turkey do"?

The real prince charming

Cinderella had grown to be a withered and poor old lady, as her husband the prince had died many years ago. All she had now for companionship was her cat and a filthy manger to live in.

One day she was cleaning a rusty pot and suddenly out flew a genie. "Thank you for freeing me after oh so many years", the genie said,"to thank you I will grant you three wishes!".

Cinderella thought about this for a few seconds, before she proudly rose and said, "For my first wish I want this manger to be made into a large and beautiful castle, like the one I once lived in!". And the genie made it so.

"For my second wish", Cinderella said, "I want you to make me young and beautiful again!" And the genie made the old Cinderella into a 19-year old, more beautiful than ever, dressed as a queen with fantastic dresses and royal jewelry.

"And for my third and final wish," Cinderella said, "I want you to make my cat into a young, handsome prince that I can marry!". And the genie once again delivered, turning the tired old cat into a beatiful young prince. Having fulfilled his promise, the genie disappeared forever, leaving the young couple alone together. Cinderella threw herself around the neck of her prince, thinking life had never been this good. The prince however, merely whispered into her ear: "I bet you're sorry you had my balls removed now!"

I'm a middle aged man. I have many friends on Facebook. Some of them are women. I spend quite a bit of time chatting with them. Life is good!

Joyce is one of them.. Very hot, around 30-35 years old. When I'm chatting with her, I lose all sense of time.

One day she tells me "My husband's going out of town on business this Sunday. Why don't you come over? I'll be alone in the house :-)"
"What if he comes back while I'm there?" I ask.
"Oh he won't, don't worry."
"Yeah, but what if he does?" (I'm not the one to take any stupid chances at my age.)
"I'm sure he won't, but if he does, you just start cleaning the windows. I'll tell him you're from the cleaning company. Anyways he keeps complaining about how his mom keeps their house cleaner than I ever could. I'll just tell him it was meant to be a surprise for him. He won't suspect a thing."

It sounds like a brilliant plan! I tell myself "Man! She's not only smoking hot, she's also smart!... and she wants ME!"

So, I show up next Sunday and just my luck, the dude comes back within minutes, saying his client cancelled on him. I silently thank her for suggesting an easy way out in advance and immediately get to cleaning the windows. Seeing him giving inquisitive glances towards me, Joyce comes to my rescue. Explains how she wanted to surprise him with a sparkling house.

He starts complaining (like she had told me already) how she's useless and now she's wasting money hiring a cleaning company. She says there was a promotion going on and she apparently got a great deal. Man! The woman can think on her feet!

He finally came down, and gets on my case. Micromanaging every bit of the cleaning. Gets me to clean their windows, do the dishes, clean the kitchen, garage, attic… makes me mop, vacuum, do the laundry. I didn't complain once. In fact to make it look more convincing I put in some extra effort. A lot of extra effort.

Finally after six hours of back-breaking work, (the house was filthy by the way) it seems there's nothing left to clean. He calls out to Joyce and asks how much he needs to pay me. She says she's already paid in advance to my office. So the husband tips me a twenty. I thank him and leave. Quietly thanking my luck.. Man what a close save!

Joyce has blocked me on Facebook since the incident. I think it's a smart move, why take another risk?

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