Hilarious Uncle Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Uncle Jokes

I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book... She laughed at me, and said

"Oh uncle J you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

Score: 17941

I told my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper... She laughed at me, and said, "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

Score: 3824

Been in Jail for 5 minutes and I've already been raped twice... I really need to stop playing monopoly with my uncle.

Score: 2000

My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication It's for Hispanic attacks

Score: 1468

I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse". Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.

Score: 1332

Score: 966

Dear people who don’t write capital letters, We’re the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Score: 926

My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.

Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician

Score: 606

My Uncle always said "Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life!" He did heroin

Score: 565

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. (Credit to my uncle)

Score: 558

Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle. Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.

Score: 480

I learned a few things today. 1. I'm gonna be a dad!
2. I'm gonna be an uncle!
3. My sisters not on the pill.

Score: 440

My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish He had a horrible death but a lovely finish

Score: 361

It's like my uncle always said: "The day I can't do my job drunk..." "...is the day I hand in my badge and gun."

Score: 328

There is no incest in Alabama! You can ask my dad, brother, uncle, husband, mother, sister or aunt! They are both in the living room right now.

Score: 241

My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week. We buried him with a heavy heart.

Score: 232

My uncle's zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died from being crushed by a giant crab.

Score: 210

Capitalization... Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Score: 186

My transgender uncle is a superhero... We call him Aunt-Man.

Score: 175

My favorite joke from The Sopranos A man comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. "What? Do you expect me to spread my legs for you now?" says the wife. The husband replies, "honey, I love you, but i think a vase will work just fine."

Credit to Uncle Jun.

Score: 146

I just got a repressed memory foam mattress. It holds me just like my uncle used to.

Score: 125

I bought a cheese grater for my blind uncle... ...he said it was the most violent thing he ever read.

Score: 121

The hard of hearing stoner... got really disappointed when he finally arrived at his uncle's wheat farm.

Score: 109

Why do they have fences around cemeteries? Because everyone is dying to get in.

In memory of my Uncle David RIP. He would always tell this joke

Score: 98

My uncle is an idiot. He saw a commercial that said, "9 out of 10 accidents happen within a mile of your home." So he up and moved

Score: 91

I asked my dad why he doesn't make any dad jokes He told me he leaves those to my uncle.

Score: 85

My Uncle used to say: "when one door closes, another opens" He was a decent philosopher, but a lousy cabinet maker.

Score: 85

Ant Man? Why don't they just call him uncle?

Score: 65

I'm sorry to hear that your uncle was killed by a boat in Venice... My gondolences.

Score: 64

My uncle died yesterday because we didn’t know what blood type he was... He kept saying B positive, but it’ll be really hard without him.

Score: 63

A little buffalo ask his dad, "How come you kiss uncle Steve the same way you kissed mommy?" "I'm Bison".

Score: 30

I wasn't sure if my uncle had died until I went to the reading of the will It was a dead giveaway

Score: 27

My uncle always believed that "Between duct tape and WD-40 you can fix just about anything." I still can't believe it took seven years before he lost his medical license.

Score: 24

Capital letters The difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse & helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Score: 24

My uncle in Mexico is pretty upset about Trump's border wall... But he'll get over it.

Score: 22

My great uncle died in the hospital because they didn’t know his blood type He held my hand through it all and said “Be positive”

Score: 15

So my mom got me a box of tin soldiers... I smashed up my majors and tore down my generals. The dog ate my lieutenants and I lost the colonel. The sergeants were lost in uncle John's hay so now I'm stuck playing with my privates all day.

Score: 12

Capitalization is the difference between Helping your uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse

Score: 12

This love letter reminds me of my uncle It really touched me

Score: 11

I got raped while in jail twice It’s not fun playing monopoly with my uncle

Score: 11

New Uncle Jokes

My uncle is in medical school. Being studied.

Score: 1

I'm not that old, but when I do reach those years and finally kick the bucket, I'd to go like my uncle did, peacefully and in his sleep. Unlike the passengers in his car.

Score: 0

I told my teenage niece to get me a jornal She laughed at me, and said, "Oh uncle you are so old. Just use my phone"

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

Score: 2

People shouldn't joke about 9/11 it's a sensitive subject to people who lost their loved ones including me, i lost my uncle... He was the best pilot Saudi Arabia ever had.

Score: 3

My great-uncle was killed after being hit by a tomato truck; In Heinz-sight he never saw it coming...

Score: 1

I always get raped in jail... I hate playing monopoly with my uncle.

Score: 3

A kid goes to her mpther and asks. -"Mom, why is my cousin named Jacqueline?"
-‎"That's because it's the combination of her mother and father's name, Jack and Madeline.
-‎"But why is my name the combination of your
name and uncle's-WTF?!!!!

Score: 0

Two Jamaican tour bus drivers were having a conversation The one said to the other, I heard you had a busload of Christians today. What do they believe.
The driver answered, "Anything I tell them".

My uncle told this one

Score: 1

My uncle once started a race with my dad to see who could have a son called James first. Since my name is James, That means my parents came first.

Score: 3

You shouldn't say "i helped my uncle jack off a horse" Instead you should say "I spent the summer working on my uncle's husbandry farm."

Score: 3

My uncle got a vasectomy, but couldn't afford to pay the medical bill... So the finance company came to his house and knocked up my aunt.

Score: 4

My uncle is a well known organ player. They even has his picture up at the playground warning parents to keep their kids away from him.

Score: 2

Clear and concise writing can mean the difference between "I helped my uncle jack off a horse"... and "I spent my summer working on the family's husbandry ranch."

Score: 4

My uncle managed to get me a ticket for the incest, bondage convention. Not the first time I’ve used family ties.

Score: 1

My uncle always said to fight fire with fire... I guess thats why he's not a fireman anymore.

Score: 6

I frequently help my uncle Jack off his horse He’s much to old to do it on his own

Score: 3

If your Uncle Jack needed help off of a horse... Would you help your Uncle Jack off?

Score: 4

My uncle just updated his profile to "I love my girlfriend <3" I knew he liked them young but that's just straight-up ridiculous

Score: 5

If your fat uncle named jack falls over your dad. "Will you help your uncle jack off your dad ?"

Score: 5

My uncle once told me to go to the basement and get Naked, I asked him whether he wanted Mighty Mango or Berry Blast.

Score: 4

Uncle jack Your uncle jack is on a horse and has trouble getting off of the horse would you help your uncle jack off?

Score: 2

Which of Peter Parker's guardians would keep his secret? His uncle wouldn't, but his aunt may.

Score: 3

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

Score: 2

My uncle just died of AIDs... I should probably get myself checked out

Score: 3

Drunken Uncle joke: Why don't blondes use vibrators? It has a tendency to chip their theeth.

Score: 2

What's spider-mans favorite brand of rice ? Uncle Ben

Score: 5

What do you call your uncle's hot wife? Aunty.

Sorry, it's an aunty-joke

Score: 4

What do you call an American molester? Uncle Sam.

Score: 1

My uncle told me to cut down on sugar, or I'd get diabetes and they'd cut my foot off. Told 'em I wouldn't stand for it.

Score: 2

Did you hear about Kim Jong Un's late uncle who was a renown Astronaut? Some say he was North Korea's best naut.

Score: 1

"Mommy why do I have eleven fingers?" "Just ask your uncle, uh I mean your father!"

Score: 4

After a year long struggle, my diabetic uncle just had both legs amputated below the ankle.... I guess you could say he was de-feeted.

Score: 5

A joke my Uncle told me that I never understood when I was a child. Q: What does Sinead O'Connor do after she finishes brushing her hair?

A: She pulls her pants up

Score: 3

My uncle works at a camp for kids who are about to be molested I mean everyone complains about their job but he loved everyday of his

Score: 3

You know what they say about Anti Jokes. She's married to Uncle Jokes.

Score: 5

My armless uncle was a bank robber for 40 years and th e police couldn't ever capture him... Apparently, they couldn't arrest him for armed robbery.

Score: 9

My uncle choked to death on a wiffle ball. But not right away.

Score: 1

Those studies that say people often die from smoking are bullshit. My uncle smoked. He died only once.

Score: 8

Visited my grandma for mother's day... My uncle Jack walked in while I was there and I greeted him "Hi Jack!" after which grandma said "Whatever you do, don't say that on a plane!"

Score: 2

I used to play hide the sausage with my uncle He was the wurst.

Score: 3

If Uncle Jack helped you off an elephant, Would you help your uncle jack off an elephant?

Score: 4

My uncle swears his sneakers are sandals We all try to tell him they knot.

Score: 1

My uncle has the heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

Score: 5

My Uncle works at a crematorium.For his birthday, I bought him a bottle of lotion... Because he must be ashy...

Score: 2

I helped my uncle Jack off the horse. Man was that weird...

Score: 2

I always tear up when I think about my uncle and his last words... "A bus!!!!!!!!!"

Score: 1

Growing up, I thought of spiders the same way as I thought of my favorite uncle. I'll play with it for a while, but I don't want it in my bed.

Score: 2

My uncle has the heart of a lion. . . . . . and they'll never let him back into the zoo.

Score: 1

Booze man Little Johny comes to his drunk uncle:
-Uncle, you should stop drinking

-Ahh Johny, I am too old to stop now.

-But, Uncle, it is never too late to stop.

-Then I have plenty of time before I stop, my dear Johny.

Score: 2

My rich uncle just passed away so I recently came into some money But now the bills are all stuck together

Score: 9

Capital letters are make the difference A capital letter and a comma makes the difference between

'helping your uncle Jack, off a horse'

and

'helping your Uncle, jack off a horse'

Score: 2

Why didn't the insomniac attend his uncle's funeral? he's not a mourning person

Score: 5

My dad has a brother named Robert I guess Bob's my uncle.

Score: 4

From my redneck uncle: What do you call a dog with no legs? "It don't matter, cause he ain't gonna come anyways."

Score: 8

My uncle always said I was too soft. But I just didn’t fancy him.

Score: 3

My Uncle saved a Crumbling Cartography business Needless to say he put them on the map.

Score: 2

My uncle once punched his 8-year-old daughter for cheating while playing cards. My uncle once punched his 8-year-old daughter for cheating while playing cards.

*He takes strip poker very seriously.*

Score: 3

I had an uncle who was a drunk... tried getting him into other hobbies like sculpting but he was always getting plastered.

Score: 4

My great great great great great uncle during the revolutionary war was quoted for his famous last words, saying... "That sniper can't hit the broad side of a ba...."

Score: 1

Uncle Mike the roofer My Uncle mike is a roofer. I got him to do some work on my house. After he finished I asked him "how much do I owe you?"

He said, "The gutters are gonna be a couple hundred, but since we are family, the shingles are on the house."

Score: 2