I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book...
She laughed at me, and said
"Oh uncle J you're so old. Just use my phone."
So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
I told my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper...
She laughed at me, and said, "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone."
So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse". Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.
After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means... ...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50
Dear people who don’t write capital letters, We’re the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain
He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.
Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician
My Uncle always said "Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life!" He did heroin
It's like my uncle always said: "The day I can't do my job drunk..." "...is the day I hand in my badge and gun."
My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week. We buried him with a heavy heart.
Capitalization... Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
Why do they have fences around cemeteries?
Because everyone is dying to get in.
In memory of my Uncle David RIP. He would always tell this joke
My uncle is an idiot. He saw a commercial that said, "9 out of 10 accidents happen within a mile of your home." So he up and moved
My Uncle used to say: "when one door closes, another opens" He was a decent philosopher, but a lousy cabinet maker.
My uncle died yesterday because we didn’t know what blood type he was... He kept saying B positive, but it’ll be really hard without him.
Uncle came over for Christmas, and told me these wisdoms: "Forget the future, you cannot predict it. Forget the past, you cannot change it." "And forget the present, I didn't get you one."
My uncle always hated eating mushrooms... ...but now that he's dead, they're beginning to grow on him.
So I sold my guitar...
I sold my guitar to a man with no hands.
So I said to him: "So how are you gonna work that then?"
He shrugged and said: "I'll play it by ear."
All Gratuities payable towards My Uncle Chris.
Just found out my alcoholic uncle is into necrophilia Gives a whole new meaning to 'cracking open a cold one.'
My Uncle said this now that there are two popes
Two popes walk into a bar with Yankee caps on.
The bartender says, "Didn't you guys use to be Cardinals?"
My uncle used to counterfeit pennies... My uncle used to counterfeit pennies out of real copper, but got copper poisoning. At least, we think that's what happened, because one day he just stopped making sense.
All my family are police officers. Except for my uncle who is a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.
My uncle used to always say, "it's the journey not the destination that matters". Nice guy, horrible pilot.
Hey my name is Nathan and i'm 12 years old:) I was wondering if there was a dating site for only 12 year olds and under... I'm not asking for myself!! My uncle was wondering
My uncle survived a fall of 39 stories off a building Unfortunately, he fell off the 40th story.
The Corona Virus is like my virginity
My uncle has it.
(I know its not that funny but its 12:53 and it just popped into my head.)
I've been in jail for 5 minutes and I've already been raped twice I hate playing Monopoly with my uncle
I tried to be a tap dancer
but I kept falling in the sink!
(thank you, british uncle ken for that dry humor)
I forget where I heard it but I didn’t make this.
Did you hear my uncle died?
Yeah, he was a chef. He just pasta way so quickly. But hey, you cannoli do so much. His life will remain a pizza history.
My uncle is such a great businessman that he made $6 million in profits this year He works in a non-profit organization
Why did the kids start eating the puzzle on Christmas? Because their uncle said it was a piece of cake!
I have an uncle who's ambidextrous, but prefers to use his right hand The only thing he does left is write.
Heard this from my uncle today.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
Two drunk men are talking in a bar
- You know? my uncle is now resting in peace
- I had no clue your uncle had died
- No, the one who died was my aunt
me :i dont like capitalization in words, it's a waste of time Teacher:Its important for one really good reason, because it's the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
My uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he kept fighting them off and drowned. We had him cremated... he burned for three days.
My uncle is cross eyed and my dad says... He was born on a Wednesday looking both ways to the weekend.
Proof-reading is vital - for example, you may accidentally type "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse." When in reality, all you did was sit and watch.
My Great Uncle always used to say "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more".
My father was a conjoined twin so I called his brother... my uncle on my father's side.
But then they were surgically separated, so now he's my uncle once removed.
After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.00 which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment.. And the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50
My 80 yr-old uncle was caught planting secret listening devices in a hotel room while wearing a clown costume. What a silly old bugger.
My uncle is an archeologist.. He was doing some work in Egypt and came across an ancient tampon. Picked it up, examined it closely and said - I have no idea what period this is from.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter!
She's my Japaniece.
Edit: guys, I see my mistake.
Shiiit. Well imma leave now.
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my Uncle Bob; not screaming in terror like his passengers
Me: Man I want to be rich someday, just like my uncle.
Friend: Your uncle is rich?
Me: No, but he also wants to be rich someday.
Thanks to u/Jayer244
When geese fly in a v-formation why is one side longer than the other?
Because there are more geese on that side.
(My 90 year old great uncle claims to have made this up, I dont know if he did or not but I love it)