I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book...
She laughed at me, and said
"Oh uncle J you're so old. Just use my phone."
So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
I told my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper...
She laughed at me, and said, "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone."
So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
Been in Jail for 5 minutes and I've already been raped twice... I really need to stop playing monopoly with my uncle.
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication It's for Hispanic attacks
I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse". Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.
Dear people who don’t write capital letters, We’re the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain
He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.
Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician
My Uncle always said "Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life!" He did heroin
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. (Credit to my uncle)
Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle. Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.
I learned a few things today.
1. I'm gonna be a dad!
2. I'm gonna be an uncle!
3. My sisters not on the pill.
My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish He had a horrible death but a lovely finish
It's like my uncle always said: "The day I can't do my job drunk..." "...is the day I hand in my badge and gun."
There is no incest in Alabama! You can ask my dad, brother, uncle, husband, mother, sister or aunt! They are both in the living room right now.
My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week. We buried him with a heavy heart.
My uncle's zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died from being crushed by a giant crab.
Capitalization... Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
My transgender uncle is a superhero... We call him Aunt-Man.
My favorite joke from The Sopranos
A man comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. "What? Do you expect me to spread my legs for you now?" says the wife. The husband replies, "honey, I love you, but i think a vase will work just fine."
Credit to Uncle Jun.
I just got a repressed memory foam mattress. It holds me just like my uncle used to.
I bought a cheese grater for my blind uncle... ...he said it was the most violent thing he ever read.
The hard of hearing stoner... got really disappointed when he finally arrived at his uncle's wheat farm.
Why do they have fences around cemeteries?
Because everyone is dying to get in.
In memory of my Uncle David RIP. He would always tell this joke
My uncle is an idiot. He saw a commercial that said, "9 out of 10 accidents happen within a mile of your home." So he up and moved
I asked my dad why he doesn't make any dad jokes He told me he leaves those to my uncle.
My Uncle used to say: "when one door closes, another opens" He was a decent philosopher, but a lousy cabinet maker.
Ant Man? Why don't they just call him uncle?
I'm sorry to hear that your uncle was killed by a boat in Venice... My gondolences.
My uncle died yesterday because we didn’t know what blood type he was... He kept saying B positive, but it’ll be really hard without him.
All my family are police officers. Except for my uncle who is a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.
My uncle used to always say, "it's the journey not the destination that matters". Nice guy, horrible pilot.
Uncle Bill always gave 100%
Son: How did he die Dad?
Dad: He donated blood.
I tried to be a tap dancer
but I kept falling in the sink!
(thank you, british uncle ken for that dry humor)
I wasn't sure if my uncle had died until I went to the reading of the will It was a dead giveaway
My uncle in Mexico is pretty upset about Trump's border wall... But he'll get over it.
My great uncle died in the hospital because they didn’t know his blood type He held my hand through it all and said “Be positive”
I got raped while in jail twice It’s not fun playing monopoly with my uncle
After a year long struggle, my diabetic uncle just had both legs amputated below the ankle.... I guess you could say he was de-feeted.
If your Uncle Jack needed help off of a horse... Would you help your Uncle Jack off?
Incest isn't really that bad. You can ask my mom, dad, sister, brother, uncle, aunt, and cousins. They're both in the next room.
Proof-reading is vital - for example, you might accodentally type "I helped my uncle Jack off his horse." When really, all you did was sit and watch.
Don’t make fun of 9/11. My uncle died in 9/11 He was a great pilot
They buried my uncle right under a coconut tree. How could they do that? Huge facepalm.
I'm not that old, but when I do reach those years and finally kick the bucket, I'd to go like my uncle did, peacefully and in his sleep. Unlike the passengers in his car.
My uncle who always buys me stuff and is super nice to me loves to complain about millenials and its tiring. All I can say is "Ok groomer"
People shouldn't joke about 9/11 it's a sensitive subject to people who lost their loved ones including me, i lost my uncle... He was the best pilot Saudi Arabia ever had.
My great-uncle was killed after being hit by a tomato truck; In Heinz-sight he never saw it coming...
I always get raped in jail... I hate playing monopoly with my uncle.
A kid goes to her mpther and asks.
-"Mom, why is my cousin named Jacqueline?"
-"That's because it's the combination of her mother and father's name, Jack and Madeline.
-"But why is my name the combination of your
name and uncle's-WTF?!!!!
Two Jamaican tour bus drivers were having a conversation
The one said to the other, I heard you had a busload of Christians today. What do they believe.
The driver answered, "Anything I tell them".
My uncle told this one
My uncle once started a race with my dad to see who could have a son called James first. Since my name is James, That means my parents came first.
I'm inbred and I get confused when... My uncle tells me to call him dad.
You shouldn't say "i helped my uncle jack off a horse" Instead you should say "I spent the summer working on my uncle's husbandry farm."
My uncle is a well known organ player. They even has his picture up at the playground warning parents to keep their kids away from him.
Clear and concise writing can mean the difference between "I helped my uncle jack off a horse"... and "I spent my summer working on the family's husbandry ranch."
My uncle managed to get me a ticket for the incest, bondage convention. Not the first time I’ve used family ties.
Do you know what uncle Putin said at the xmas table? Looks like I'm having turkey for dinner.
What do you call your transgender Jewish uncle? Aunt Frank
I frequently help my uncle Jack off his horse He’s much to old to do it on his own
As a child, I always thought of my uncle as a superhero Since I found him in my closet, in his underwear
I used to play hide the sausage with my uncle He was the wurst.
Uncle Mike the roofer
My Uncle mike is a roofer. I got him to do some work on my house. After he finished I asked him "how much do I owe you?"
He said, "The gutters are gonna be a couple hundred, but since we are family, the shingles are on the house."
My uncle invented this one today.
What is the best part of a dog eating peanut butter?
He has no hands to pick the pubes out.