Uncle Jokes


Funniest Uncle Jokes

I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book... She laughed at me, and said

"Oh uncle J you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

Score: 17941

I told my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper... She laughed at me, and said, "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

Score: 3824

Been in Jail for 5 minutes and I've already been raped twice... I really need to stop playing monopoly with my uncle.

Score: 2000

My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication It's for Hispanic attacks

Score: 1468

I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse". Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.

Score: 1332
Funny Uncle Jokes
Score: 966

Dear people who don’t write capital letters, We’re the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Score: 926

My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.

Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician

Score: 606

My Uncle always said "Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life!" He did heroin

Score: 565

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. (Credit to my uncle)

Score: 558

Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle. Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.

Score: 480

I learned a few things today. 1. I'm gonna be a dad!
2. I'm gonna be an uncle!
3. My sisters not on the pill.

Score: 440

My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish He had a horrible death but a lovely finish

Score: 361

It's like my uncle always said: "The day I can't do my job drunk..." "...is the day I hand in my badge and gun."

Score: 328

There is no incest in Alabama! You can ask my dad, brother, uncle, husband, mother, sister or aunt! They are both in the living room right now.

Score: 241

My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week. We buried him with a heavy heart.

Score: 232

My uncle's zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died from being crushed by a giant crab.

Score: 210

Capitalization... Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Score: 186

My transgender uncle is a superhero... We call him Aunt-Man.

Score: 175

My favorite joke from The Sopranos A man comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. "What? Do you expect me to spread my legs for you now?" says the wife. The husband replies, "honey, I love you, but i think a vase will work just fine."

Credit to Uncle Jun.

Score: 146

I just got a repressed memory foam mattress. It holds me just like my uncle used to.

Score: 125

I bought a cheese grater for my blind uncle... ...he said it was the most violent thing he ever read.

Score: 121

The hard of hearing stoner... got really disappointed when he finally arrived at his uncle's wheat farm.

Score: 109

Why do they have fences around cemeteries? Because everyone is dying to get in.

In memory of my Uncle David RIP. He would always tell this joke

Score: 98

My uncle is an idiot. He saw a commercial that said, "9 out of 10 accidents happen within a mile of your home." So he up and moved

Score: 91

I asked my dad why he doesn't make any dad jokes He told me he leaves those to my uncle.

Score: 85

My Uncle used to say: "when one door closes, another opens" He was a decent philosopher, but a lousy cabinet maker.

Score: 85

Ant Man? Why don't they just call him uncle?

Score: 65

I'm sorry to hear that your uncle was killed by a boat in Venice... My gondolences.

Score: 64

My uncle died yesterday because we didn’t know what blood type he was... He kept saying B positive, but it’ll be really hard without him.

Score: 63

I wasn't sure if my uncle had died until I went to the reading of the will It was a dead giveaway

Score: 27

My great uncle died in the hospital because they didn’t know his blood type He held my hand through it all and said “Be positive”

Score: 15

This love letter reminds me of my uncle It really touched me

Score: 11

I got raped while in jail twice It’s not fun playing monopoly with my uncle

Score: 11

My uncle spoke of his time in Soviet Russia back in the day He said there were only 2 channels on TV. He said Channel 1 was propaganda, and channel 2 was a KGB pointing a Kalashnikov at the screen saying "Turn back to channel 1!"

Score: 8

My uncle always said to fight fire with fire... I guess thats why he's not a fireman anymore.

Score: 6

If your Uncle Jack needed help off of a horse... Would you help your Uncle Jack off?

Score: 4

Clear and concise writing can mean the difference between "I helped my uncle jack off a horse"... and "I spent my summer working on the family's husbandry ranch."

Score: 4

My uncle got a vasectomy, but couldn't afford to pay the medical bill... So the finance company came to his house and knocked up my aunt.

Score: 4

I had an uncle who was a drunk... tried getting him into other hobbies like sculpting but he was always getting plastered.

Score: 4

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New Uncle Jokes

Proof-reading is vital - for example, you might accodentally type "I helped my uncle Jack off his horse." When really, all you did was sit and watch.

Score: 0

They buried my uncle right under a coconut tree. How could they do that? Huge facepalm.

Score: 0

My uncle is in medical school. Being studied.

Score: 1

I'm not that old, but when I do reach those years and finally kick the bucket, I'd to go like my uncle did, peacefully and in his sleep. Unlike the passengers in his car.

Score: 0

I told my teenage niece to get me a jornal She laughed at me, and said, "Oh uncle you are so old. Just use my phone"

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

Score: 2

People shouldn't joke about 9/11 it's a sensitive subject to people who lost their loved ones including me, i lost my uncle... He was the best pilot Saudi Arabia ever had.

Score: 3

My great-uncle was killed after being hit by a tomato truck; In Heinz-sight he never saw it coming...

Score: 1

I always get raped in jail... I hate playing monopoly with my uncle.

Score: 3

A kid goes to her mpther and asks. -"Mom, why is my cousin named Jacqueline?"
-‎"That's because it's the combination of her mother and father's name, Jack and Madeline.
-‎"But why is my name the combination of your
name and uncle's-WTF?!!!!

Score: 0

Two Jamaican tour bus drivers were having a conversation The one said to the other, I heard you had a busload of Christians today. What do they believe.
The driver answered, "Anything I tell them".

My uncle told this one

Score: 1

My uncle once started a race with my dad to see who could have a son called James first. Since my name is James, That means my parents came first.

Score: 3

You shouldn't say "i helped my uncle jack off a horse" Instead you should say "I spent the summer working on my uncle's husbandry farm."

Score: 3

My uncle is a well known organ player. They even has his picture up at the playground warning parents to keep their kids away from him.

Score: 2

My uncle managed to get me a ticket for the incest, bondage convention. Not the first time I’ve used family ties.

Score: 1

I frequently help my uncle Jack off his horse He’s much to old to do it on his own

Score: 3

I used to play hide the sausage with my uncle He was the wurst.

Score: 3

My Uncle saved a Crumbling Cartography business Needless to say he put them on the map.

Score: 2

My uncle once punched his 8-year-old daughter for cheating while playing cards. My uncle once punched his 8-year-old daughter for cheating while playing cards.

*He takes strip poker very seriously.*

Score: 3

My great great great great great uncle during the revolutionary war was quoted for his famous last words, saying... "That sniper can't hit the broad side of a ba...."

Score: 1

Uncle Mike the roofer My Uncle mike is a roofer. I got him to do some work on my house. After he finished I asked him "how much do I owe you?"

He said, "The gutters are gonna be a couple hundred, but since we are family, the shingles are on the house."

Score: 2

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