Uncle Jokes

Contents

Funniest Uncle Jokes

I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book... She laughed at me, and said

"Oh uncle J you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

I told my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper... She laughed at me, and said, "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse". Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.

After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means... ...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50

Funny Uncle Jokes

Dear people who don’t write capital letters, We’re the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.

Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician

My Uncle always said "Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life!" He did heroin

My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish He had a horrible death but a lovely finish

It's like my uncle always said: "The day I can't do my job drunk..." "...is the day I hand in my badge and gun."

My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week. We buried him with a heavy heart.

Capitalization... Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

My transgender uncle is a superhero... We call him Aunt-Man.

I just got a repressed memory foam mattress. It holds me just like my uncle used to.

Why do they have fences around cemeteries? Because everyone is dying to get in.


In memory of my Uncle David RIP. He would always tell this joke

My uncle is an idiot. He saw a commercial that said, "9 out of 10 accidents happen within a mile of your home." So he up and moved

My Uncle used to say: "when one door closes, another opens" He was a decent philosopher, but a lousy cabinet maker.

I'm sorry to hear that your uncle was killed by a boat in Venice... My gondolences.

My father was a conjoined twin so his brother was ... My uncle on my fathers side

My uncle died yesterday because we didn’t know what blood type he was... He kept saying B positive, but it’ll be really hard without him.

My uncle stopped smoking because of coronavirus RIP uncle Jim.

Uncle came over for Christmas, and told me these wisdoms: "Forget the future, you cannot predict it. Forget the past, you cannot change it." "And forget the present, I didn't get you one."

My uncle always hated eating mushrooms... ...but now that he's dead, they're beginning to grow on him.

My uncle Ben always used to say, "With great power..." Comes a great electricity bill

My childhood was effectively over at 11. That's when the bars closed and my uncle came home.

So I sold my guitar... I sold my guitar to a man with no hands.
So I said to him: "So how are you gonna work that then?"
He shrugged and said: "I'll play it by ear."



All Gratuities payable towards My Uncle Chris.

Just found out my alcoholic uncle is into necrophilia Gives a whole new meaning to 'cracking open a cold one.'

My Uncle said this now that there are two popes Two popes walk into a bar with Yankee caps on.
The bartender says, "Didn't you guys use to be Cardinals?"

My uncle used to counterfeit pennies... My uncle used to counterfeit pennies out of real copper, but got copper poisoning. At least, we think that's what happened, because one day he just stopped making sense.

I used to be an Uncle like you... ...Until I took an arrow to the niece.

All my family are police officers. Except for my uncle who is a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

My uncle used to always say, "it's the journey not the destination that matters". Nice guy, horrible pilot.

Hey my name is Nathan and i'm 12 years old:) I was wondering if there was a dating site for only 12 year olds and under... I'm not asking for myself!! My uncle was wondering

My uncle survived a fall of 39 stories off a building Unfortunately, he fell off the 40th story.

The Corona Virus is like my virginity My uncle has it.

(I know its not that funny but its 12:53 and it just popped into my head.)

My Uncle has a coal fetish. Its why he likes to bang miners.

Uncle Bill always gave 100% Son: How did he die Dad?
Dad: He donated blood.

I've been in jail for 5 minutes and I've already been raped twice I hate playing Monopoly with my uncle

I tried to be a tap dancer but I kept falling in the sink!

(thank you, british uncle ken for that dry humor)

Dear people who don't use capital letters. We're the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse

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New Uncle Jokes

Uncle Ben A true credit to his rice

My uncle was never good at throwing stuff away He died from a hand grenade

I forget where I heard it but I didn’t make this. Did you hear my uncle died?

Oh no.

Yeah, he was a chef. He just pasta way so quickly. But hey, you cannoli do so much. His life will remain a pizza history.

My uncle is such a great businessman that he made $6 million in profits this year He works in a non-profit organization

Why did the kids start eating the puzzle on Christmas? Because their uncle said it was a piece of cake!

I have an uncle who's ambidextrous, but prefers to use his right hand The only thing he does left is write.

Heard this from my uncle today. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

​

A stick.

Two drunk men are talking in a bar - You know? my uncle is now resting in peace
- I had no clue your uncle had died
- No, the one who died was my aunt

30 years ago my uncle stole my nose, and he hasn’t given it back. -Lord Voldemort

My uncle got rich the American way He tripped over things and sued people.

Uncle Ben has died. That’s it, no more Mr. Rice Guy!

Punctuation is so important I learned that when I helped my uncle Jack off a horse

me :i dont like capitalization in words, it's a waste of time Teacher:Its important for one really good reason, because it's the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.

My uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he kept fighting them off and drowned. We had him cremated... he burned for three days.

My uncle is cross eyed and my dad says... He was born on a Wednesday looking both ways to the weekend.

My uncle was crushed by a piano.... His funeral was very low key.

My uncle fell asleep in traffic and got run over... I guess he got tired

I saw my uncle cheating with another woman but I aunt snitching

Proof-reading is vital - for example, you may accidentally type "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse." When in reality, all you did was sit and watch.

My Great Uncle always used to say "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more". Great bloke...

Terrible anaesthetist...

My uncle My father was a conjoined twin so I called his brother... my uncle on my father's side.

But then they were surgically separated, so now he's my uncle once removed.

Opened my Birthday card and loads of rice fell out It was from Uncle Ben

I just opened a birthday card and rice went flying everywhere It was from uncle Ben

So, my uncle died and left me his dvd collection He had a series of Different Strokes

After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.00 which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment.. And the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50

My 80 yr-old uncle was caught planting secret listening devices in a hotel room while wearing a clown costume. What a silly old bugger.

I always associate my late uncle with the pop rocks Both exploded in my mouth...

My uncle is an archeologist.. He was doing some work in Egypt and came across an ancient tampon. Picked it up, examined it closely and said - I have no idea what period this is from.

My uncle went to prison for stealing a board game He got life.

My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter! She's my Japaniece.

Edit: guys, I see my mistake.

Shiiit. Well imma leave now.

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my Uncle Bob; not screaming in terror like his passengers

You ever heard of naked and afraid It reminds me of playing hide and seek with my uncle

What's the difference between a dad joke and an uncle joke? Whether you groan or moan.

What type of tea does Uncle Sam drink. Liberty.

I can play piano by ear But that's nothing; my uncle fiddles with his navel.

Me: Man I want to be rich someday, just like my uncle. Friend: Your uncle is rich?


Me: No, but he also wants to be rich someday.


Thanks to u/Jayer244

Who is Uncle Kracker married to? Aunt Cheese

When geese fly in a v-formation why is one side longer than the other? Because there are more geese on that side.

(My 90 year old great uncle claims to have made this up, I dont know if he did or not but I love it)

Wtf just opened a Christmas card and rice fell out Must be from my uncle Ben

With all the Mandalorian hype, I had asked my rich uncle for a first edition toy Yoda for Christmas But all he gave me was some junky old car.

Popular Topics

Long Uncle Jokes

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear."

"Well," says the little girl, "Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole."

"Clever girl," purrs Mummy. "What could you see through the keyhole?"

"I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other's clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her."

"Yes?" says Mummy. "And then what happened?"

"Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year," says the little girl confidently.

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away

He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later the appraiser calls him: "I've finished my analysis, and I've got some good news. There's no doubt at all that what you have is a genuine Van Gogh and a genuine Stradivarius." The man is ecstatic: "I can sell these for millions!" The appraiser says "Well, you can sell them, and they'll fetch some money for their novelty value. But not millions. You see, the truth is, Stradivarius wasn't much of a painter... and Van Gogh made lousy violins."

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce

and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

A priest, a rabbi and a Buddhist monk were talking

about how they paid themselves every week after the worshippers donated to the temple, church etc.

The Priest: I have a good method. I draw a circle on the ground, step in the middle and throw all the donated money up on the air. With the grace of God whatever falls in the circle is my salary and outside belongs to the church.

The monk: how interesting, I almost do the same thing. But I believe what falls within the circle belongs to the monastery and outside is mine.

The rabbi chimes in, oh my God, we all think alike. I do the same thing. I draw a circle, get in the middle of it and throw all the donations in the air. What stays up in the air belongs to the temple and what falls on the ground is mine!

Note: Before labeling me an anti-semite, be advised my uncle (an Orthodox Rabbi) is the one who told me this joke, which he was told 50+ years ago in Yeshiva.

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf...

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."

After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"

"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"

Little Johnny At The Park

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

"Am I mentioned in the will?" the nephew asked anxiously.

"You certainly are" , replied the lawyer.

Right here in the third paragraph your uncle says:
To my niece Sarah I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars,
to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars,
and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I say "Hi, Charles"

A bad math joke I came up with

A little boy sees something way up in the sky and runs to his mom to ask her what it is. She points the boy to his father and tells him to ask him so the boy runs over to his father and asks what is in the sky. The father can't answer either but points the boy to his uncle saying he should be able to help. The boy runs over to his uncle but his uncle doesn't have an answer either and just points the boy back to his mother, the boy then knows what is in the sky.







[Because it takes 3 points to define a plane](/spoiler)

Is this the Rinehart method?

One billionaire was asked how he made his fortune, the fact being known that he was flat broke when he was young. He told this story: he was once wandering the streets hungry and with only 10 cents in his pockets. Saw someone selling some rather unattractive looking apples for 10 cents a piece. He bought one apple and as he was about to eat it, he got an idea. Polished the apple and as it was now much better presenting, he was able to sell it for 20 cents. Which he then used to buy two apples, which he polished and sold for 40 cents. Which he used to buy four apples, earning 80 cents, buying eight apples... and then his childless uncle died and left him a billion dollars.

Daddy calls home in the middle of a work day

"Hello?"

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Philip."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you don't have an uncle Philip."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

***Brief Pause***

"Uh, okay then honey, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?"

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about uncle Philip?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***



"What...swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

My daughter caught my wife cheating on me..

"Hello?"

"Hi, honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "but honey, you don't have an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with mommy right now."

Brief pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. I want you to put the phone down, run upstairs and knock on the door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled up."

"Okay, Daddy just a minute."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it, Daddy."

"And what happened honey?"

"Well, mommy got scared, jumped out of bed naked and ran around screaming. Then she tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all."

"Oh my God!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the back window into the pool. But I guess he didn't know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead!

**Real long pause**

Then daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5732?"

Mama and Papa Bear are getting divorced...

and the Judge is asking Baby Bear who he wishes to live with. "So, is it Mama or Papa?" the Judge asks.
"Mama and Papa beat me," says Baby Bear.
"Well do you have any other relatives?" asked the Judge.
"I have an uncle in Chicago," replies Baby Bear.
"Does he beat you too?" asks the Judge.
"Naww," says Baby Bear. "The Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

Daddy's Call

“Hello?”, “Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”
“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”
Brief Pause. “Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
“I did it Daddy.”
“And what happened honey?” he asked.
Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”
“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”
“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says,
“Swimming pool? …. Is this 486-5731?”

Is Mommy Near the Phone?

The phone rings, a little girl picks up.

“Hello?”

“Hi honey, this is daddy. Is mommy near the phone?”

“No daddy, she’s upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Mike.”

After a brief pause, the father says, “But honey, you haven’t got an uncle Mike.”

“Oh yes I do, he’s upstairs with mommy right now!”

Another brief pause, “Uh, okay then. This is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door. Shout to mommy that daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

The little girl complies and returns to the phone a few moments later.

“I did it Daddy!”

“And what happened honey?”

“Well, mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed and ran around screaming! Then she tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser, and now she isn’t moving at all!”

“Oh my god!!! What about your uncle Mike?”

“He got scared and jumped out of bed too, except he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool! I guess he didn’t know you took all the water out last week, but he hit the bottom and now he’s not moving either!”

Now, a long pause.

“...... swimming pool? Is this 555-5731?

A woman contacts her brother-in-law last minute to ask him to watch her daughter for the day...

The brother-in-law, Tim, grudgingly agrees. He picks the girl up and takes her down to the shoreline where he works.

"Do you know what I do for a living?"

She nods. "You're a fisherman, right?"

"Well, kind of. See, we get a lot of fish around here, and in order to catch as many as possible, we've streamlined the process and now everyone involved is heavily specialized. There are people who spend their whole day throwing lines out. They just move from line to line, throwing it out and moving on. Then there are other people who keep their eyes on a bunch of lines, and when a fish tugs on one, they run over and jerk the line to hook the fish. All day, just hooking fish after fish. Then they move on, and someone else comes up and reels the fish in. Then someone else collects the fish, and someone else carries them to the warehouse to be gutted. Etc, etc, etc."

"That seems like it would be tedious. How do you decide which job you want? Do you just end up doing whatever you started with until you quit?"

"Well, no. Everyone starts by hooking the fish. Not many people really like that job, so everyone has to start there. After you've been at it for a while, if a position opens up somewhere else, you can spend a few days trying out casting or reeling. The jobs that pay the best, the ones that everybody wants, are baiting and gutting the fish. Gutting isn't pleasant, but the pay is good and you can work indoors."

She thinks about that for a minute, then nods. "Okay, so what do you do?"

"Me? I'm a baiter. Have been for years!" Uncle Tim is clearly proud of himself. "Not only that, but I'm at the top of the game. See how there are people fishing all up and down here? Well, what you probably don't realize is that you have to earn your position. Newbies and people who aren't good at their job start out here on the street. If you're good enough, though, you can earn a spot working on the pier, where they get twice as many fish. And if you're a master of your specialty, you can get a place out there at the very end. That's where they catch the most and the best fish, and that's where I work!"

The girl doesn't find this very interesting, but she goes out with her uncle and watches and helps for a few hours at the end of the pier. She hates it. The bate is disgusting, the hooks keep on pricking her. It's miserable. About halfway through the day, though a spot opens up out on the street, and she jumps at the chance to get away from her Uncle's prized job.

That night, at dinner, her mother asks, "So, how was your day with your uncle? Where did you go? What did you learn?"

She thinks for a minute before replying: "We went to the shore today, and I learned one thing for certain. I'd rather be a lowly street hooker than spend the rest of my life as a master baiter like Uncle Tim."

Two Dollies

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying.

One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.

"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.

"Oh, well that's the money I've made selling the doilies."

Robert called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner

*"Hello?"* said a little girl's voice.


*"Hi, honey, it's Daddy,"* said Robert. *"Is mommy near the phone?"*


*"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank."* After a brief pause, he said, *"But you don't have an Uncle Frank, honey!"*

*"Yes I do. He's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"*


*"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled up outside the house."*


*"Okay, Daddy!"*


A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone. *"I did what you said, Daddy."*

*"And what happened?"*

*"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."*


*"Oh my god! What about Uncle Frank?"*


*"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that you took out all the water last week to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool, and now he's dead too."* There was a long pause, then Robert said, "*Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039?"*

Little Timmy saw his dad drive by...

It's a sunny day, and little Timmy was outside playing by himself, when he saw his dad drive by with Aunt Karen in the passenger seat. They drive off into the woods nearby, and little Timmy runs after them to see what's going on. Upon learning what it is dad and Aunt Karen is doing out in the woods by themselves, he runs home as fast as he can to tell mom about it.

Timmy bursts in the door and finds his mom in the kitchen, and he yells, "Mom! I just saw daddy and Aunt Karen drive off into the woods together!"

Timmy's mom asks, "And then what happened, sweetie?"

"Well, Aunt Karen started kissing dad on the mouth. And then daddy helped Aunt Karen take her shirt off, and she helped him get out of his pants. And then..."

Timmy's mom interrupts, "Hold on sweetie. Why don't you save the rest of the story for when daddy gets home for dinner, I'd like to see his reaction to your story."


So Timmy's dad comes home for dinner, they're all sitting around the table when the mom goes, "So Timmy, why don't you tell us about what you saw today?"

"Well, I saw daddy and Aunt Karen in the woods. And Aunt Karen was kissing daddy. Then daddy took her shirt off, and Aunt Karen helped dad take his pants off. And then they kissed some more and did that thing that mommy and Uncle Gary always used to do when daddy was out of town for work."


*Edit - a word*

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods

Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...' At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.' At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away at work.'

Lessons Learned the Hard Way

Daddy's car in the woods?


Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a

passionate embrace.


Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and

started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'


At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'


At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story,

.'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.


Mummy fainted!


Moral:

Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story

before you interrupt.

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