Cold Jokes

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Funniest Cold Jokes

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

Score: 17223

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's" I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

Score: 16624
Funny Cold Jokes
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Republicans are the true snowflakes... they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools

EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry!

its a joke folks. just a joke.

Score: 14726

Justice is best served cold. Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

Score: 9537

Justice is a dish best served cold Because if it was served warm, it would be justwater

Score: 6049

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then *gently* tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

Score: 2395

Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine? To stop his coffin.

Score: 1988

On a cold winter's morning Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:

"Windows frozen, won't open."



Husband texts back:

"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."



Wife texts back 5 minutes later:



"Computer is really screwed up now.”

Score: 1861

What does a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common? They both like to crack open a cold one.

Score: 1769

LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Score: 1743

It's so cold outside I saw a politican with his hands in his own pockets.

Score: 1375

The problem with kissing a perfect 10 Is how cold the mirror feels on your lips.

Score: 1276

I slept with my best mate's wife last night and now I feel terrible. She must have given me a cold or something.

Score: 1273

It is so cold outside That I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets

Score: 1189

My wife left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mom's" I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

Score: 1139

1 and 2 went out for a walk in the snow. 1's hands got so cold that they went numb.

2's hands and feet both got cold, so he was even number.

Score: 1073

Here's a great life hack! When you're cold stand in a corner. It's 90 degrees!

Score: 1018

What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common? They both like to pop open a nice cold one.

Score: 997

I like my women like I like my microwaves... Cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and willing and able to kill any baby I put inside them.

Score: 927

What do you give a cannibal that shows up late to dinner? A cold shoulder.

Score: 813

Why did the cannibal leave the restaurant? Because he got cold feet.

Score: 651

The only problem with kissing a perfect 10... ...is how cold the mirror feels against your lips.

Score: 639

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of time You see, it used to get cold outside

Score: 585

Son: Dad why is our food so cold and bland? Dad: It's because your mother put her heart and soul into it.

Score: 534

Dad, I'm cold.. Dad : Go stand in the corner son.

Son: why?

Dad: because its 90 degrees

Score: 527

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: Windows frozen, won't open. Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap the edges with a hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

Score: 494

Necrophilia is like pizza Even when it's cold it's still good.

Score: 484

My friend asked me "if you could have any super power in the world, what would it be?" I said Cold War Russia.

Score: 477

I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers I had to quit cold turkey

Score: 434

I saw a hipster walking outside in the cold. He didn't have a jacket on, so I asked him why.

He said he was outside before it was cool.

Score: 278

Give a man a jacket and he will never be cold. Teach a man to jack it and he will never leave the house.

Score: 177

When I was younger, my parents used to make me go stay with my grandparents at the weekend And it was so cold in that cemetery!

Score: 70

A friend asked me if I could have any superpower, what would it be. I answered Cold War Russia

Score: 46

My Psychology Professor asked me what Super Power I would like to have... Apparently "Cold War Era Russia" is not an acceptable answer.

Score: 43

If Russia is so cold... Why did they lose the cold war?

Score: 19

Why did the Zombie miss her wedding? Cold feet

Score: 14

What did the sexist man say when his girlfriend asked for his coat? If you can't stand the cold, stay in the kitchen.

Score: 9

Why will the 2018 world cup in Russia be so cold? There's no Chile in it.

Score: 9

Two of my favorite quotes were said by cold-blooded killers "See you later" - Alligator


"After while" - Crocodile

Score: 9

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New Cold Jokes

It is so cold here in Alaska that I saw a politician having hands in his own pocket.

Score: 3

What do you get in the winter when you bring a knife to The South Sandwich Islands? Cold cuts

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A cannibal rudely came late to dinner They gave him the cold shoulder.

Score: 0

What lullaby does the pikachu with a cold sing? (Tune of twinkle twinkle)
Pika pika pik-ACHOO!

Score: 0

Yesterday in the subway, I stood next to some guy whow was constantly smiling and coughing. Now I feel sick. Thanks for the cold, kind stranger.

Score: 0

Why couldn't the refrigerator give a marathon runner some cold water? It had stopped running.

Score: 1

I got home and found my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's" ​

I open the fridge, the light comes on, the beer is cold... like I keep saying that woman is delusional.

Score: 0

What did the Hawaiian dope dealer say to the Eskimo tourist? Danks for da kine cold stranger!

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It's so cold out today.....How cold? I saw a Lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

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Must be cold in Essex, UK at the moment I heard it's -39

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What do you serve a cannibal who is late for dinner? A cold shoulder

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Why is it hard for people to talk in the cold? They could be in a Blizzard

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Rick James asks: Are you today's date? Because you're definitely a 1/10.

♫*Cold blooodedddd*♫

Score: 1

A New Russian says to an architect: "I want you to build three swimming pools: one with cold water, one with warm water, and one without any water."
"Why would the third one not have any water?"
"Cuz some of my friends can't swim."

Score: 2

I tasted cold tea for the first time today. It is not my cup of tea.

Score: 1

Bob Ross must have always been cold. Because he was so fro-zen.

Score: 0

A hot Summer day is the best time for a wedding Because noone will get cold feet

Score: 2

I've been worried about my wife's weight gain lately. She asked me to get her a snack while I was in the kitchen tonight. I came back with a bowl of ice. I told her it's the latest trend in low calorie crunchy satisfying treats. Things got cold after that .

Score: 1

My wife has been trying to stay in shape so when she asked me to grab her a snack from the kitchen... I came back with a cup of ice cubes. I said to her, "hey, a no cal crunch". I'm not sure why, but things got cold after that.

Score: 3

Wanna help me win trivia? Please? Help me come up with a funny reason why a cold front might be coming through.

Score: 1

Bob Ross must have always been cold. He was completely fro-zen.

Score: 2

What exercise does a nose do when it ‘catches’a cold? It starts RUNNING

Score: 1

Why is America and Russia participating in a Second Cold war? Because according to our greatest leaders, this is how you address global warming

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What was the most popular baby name for a girl during The Cold War... ...Connie

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A boy was feeling really cokd and asked his dad.. Son: Dad I am really cold, can you-

Dad: Go to the corner son, it's 90 degrees.

Score: 0

I'm no longer going to eat Thanksgiving leftovers. I'm trying to quit cold turkey

Score: 3

My father has a serious problem with Thanksgiving leftovers, he won't stop till they're gone So he quit cold turkey

Score: 1

Why is it good to be a dissector? You can cracking open a cold one with the boys everyday at work.

Score: 4

A man and woman are walking at night through a cold, dark forest. “I don’t like this place. It’s scary and I’m cold,” declares the woman.

“You’re scared?!” the man replies, “you’re not the one who has to walk back all alone!”

Score: 3

What does a waitress do when she finds a cold pizza that was forgotten to be served? Serve it to a hipster.

Score: 1

I asked a girl in marching band what cup size she had She said she was a C, but since it was cold I guess she was a C#.

Bonus Round:

She pulled it out of her trombone and said about 6 inches.

Score: 3

I break out into a cold sweat at the mere thought of a card-based roll-playing game The doctor says I have PTSD&D

Score: 1

Black Panther Was Shivering *Somewhere in the Antarctic*

Captain America: "You look really cold T'Challa, do you need a jacket?"

Black Panther: "I never Fleece"

Score: 1

How did the jalapeño know the serano was cold? He said he was a little chili.

Edit: serrano

Score: 2

Jenny Mccarthy better be careful outside in the cold in NYC. She might catch polio.

Score: 1

A man was getting married but got cold feet at the last minute... The next morning he went to work and his co-workers asked "so how'd the wedding go"

He replied "oh, it went off without a hitch"

Score: 6

What do you call the process of mentally breaking a cruel Mexican criminal using his only sons? Cracking open a cold Juan with the boys.

Score: 1

If the Cold War had ended badly, what would've happened? There would've been a fallout.

Score: 2

If I had a dollar for every cold ex joke I've made Maybe then I'd be able to afford a furnace to warm her up

Score: 1

Sometimes it gets so hot outside that I like to rub a cold can of Pabst Blue Ribbon across myself to cool down... I call it a Pabst Smear.

Score: 1

A man went ice fishing one day and reeled-in a giant ice cube After months of only catching fish, he finally caught a cold.

Score: 1

What do you call the Holy Father in cold weather? A popesicle.

Score: 1

While filming the slave barge scenes for the Return of the Jedi, cast members said Carrie Fisher always looked rather cold. Well I can see why to be honest, she wasn't wearing many Leia's at the time...

Score: 1

Why did no one like the Eskimo accountant? Because he was cold and calculating.

Score: 4

My friend told me he had an addiction to refridgerated deli meats I told him he needs to quit cold turkey

Score: 0

I didn't think housework is a full-time job, so for Thanksgiving my wife served me a raw turkey. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Score: 8

What do beers and babies have in common? At the end of a long, hard day, nothing feels better than kicking back, relaxing, and cracking open a cold one.

Score: 1

What do you call a Belgian with a cold? Phlegmish

Score: 3

I once shook hands with Michael J Fox He seemed pretty offended, but in my defense, the room was cold.

Score: 1

Why did the Cold War never happen? Because Joseph was Stalin.

Score: 4

My wife is like a delicious strawberry popsicle. Cold on the inside and 90% artificial.

Score: 4

How did Elsa feel about absolute zero? She was 0k.

The cold never bothered her anyway.

Score: 1

I like my women like I like my Artificial Intelligence: Cold and lifeless.

Score: 3

How is a women and peanut butter the same? It takes a lot of coaxing to get them to spread when they're cold

Score: 2

Want to know how the Cold War was ended? It was with Robotussin and space heaters.

Score: 1

Worst math joke I know. Two students sit in a geometry class.
One says to the other "I'm cold!"
The other says "go sit in the corner."
"Why?" replies the first.
"Because its 90 degrees!"

Score: 3

I walked into the bar and asked for something cold and full of rum. The bartender yelled to the back, "Dear, there's someone here to see you."

Score: 5

What's the worst thing about banging a girl with a cold heart? The rest of her is cold too.

Score: 8

I've had Thanksgiving dinner four times and I'm kind of getting addicted. I'm quitting this cold turkey.

Score: 7

It gets cold in Alaska during the winter. Juneau what I mean?

Score: 3

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