Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?
Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.
Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's" I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
Republicans are the true snowflakes...
they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools
EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry!
its a joke folks. just a joke.
Justice is best served cold. Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Justice is a dish best served cold Because if it was served warm, it would be justwater
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then *gently* tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine? To stop his coffin.
On a cold winter's morning
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer is really screwed up now.”
What does a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common? They both like to crack open a cold one.
LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
It's so cold outside I saw a politican with his hands in his own pockets.
The problem with kissing a perfect 10 Is how cold the mirror feels on your lips.
I slept with my best mate's wife last night and now I feel terrible. She must have given me a cold or something.
It is so cold outside That I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets
My wife left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mom's" I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
1 and 2 went out for a walk in the snow.
1's hands got so cold that they went numb.
2's hands and feet both got cold, so he was even number.
Here's a great life hack! When you're cold stand in a corner. It's 90 degrees!
What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common? They both like to pop open a nice cold one.
I like my women like I like my microwaves... Cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and willing and able to kill any baby I put inside them.
What do you give a cannibal that shows up late to dinner? A cold shoulder.
Why did the cannibal leave the restaurant? Because he got cold feet.
The only problem with kissing a perfect 10... ...is how cold the mirror feels against your lips.
Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of time You see, it used to get cold outside
Son: Dad why is our food so cold and bland? Dad: It's because your mother put her heart and soul into it.
Dad, I'm cold..
Dad : Go stand in the corner son.
Dad: because its 90 degrees
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: Windows frozen, won't open.
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap the edges with a hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
Necrophilia is like pizza Even when it's cold it's still good.
My friend asked me "if you could have any super power in the world, what would it be?" I said Cold War Russia.
I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers I had to quit cold turkey
A cannibal showed up late to the luncheon His friends gave him the cold shoulder.
I saw a hipster walking outside in the cold.
He didn't have a jacket on, so I asked him why.
He said he was outside before it was cool.
Necrophilia is a lot like having a beer... there's nothing like popping open a cold one!
I didn't realize how cold it was outside today... ... until I saw socialists with their hands in their own pockets
It's so cold outside.... I saw a politician put his hands in his own pockets.
You call it necrophilia.... But I call it cracking open a cold one with the boys.
Why did the Cold War end? Global warming started.
We've had a horrible winter this year. It was so cold, lawyers were walking around with their hand is their *own* pockets.
I finally got a microwave to heat up my leftovers So I was able to quit cold turkey
What happened when the cannibal was late for lunch? He was given the cold shoulder.
I remember when was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink. Nowadays they have cameras everywhere
An amputee is taking part in a discussion on the effectiveness of gloves
On one hand, they are good for cold weather.
On the other, they don't really help.
What makes an alcoholic and a necrophiliac similar? Both like to crack open a cold one
What did the cold tortilla say? Brrrrrrrrrito!
I no longer eat club sandwiches I quit cold turkey.
Son: Dad, why is dinner so cold and bitter? Dad: Because your mother put her heart into it.
UGH I was just forced to watch a stupid commercial about something called a Snuggie... I wanted to change the channel so bad, but I was under a blanket and didn't want my arms to get cold.
My family told me to stop eating the leftover Thanksgiving food from the fridge. But sadly, I couldn't quit cold turkey.
If Russia is so good at defeating it's enemies in the Winter Then how come they lost the Cold War?
I slept with my best friend's’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. She must have given me a cold or something.
A Blonde Crashes a helicopter A passerby jumps out and rushes up to her and exclaims,"What happened!?". She explains,"It got cold so I turned off the fan".
My friend was cold so I told her to stand in the corner.. Corners are 90 degrees.
Necrophilia The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.
What do you call a necrophelic gang-bang? Cracking open a cold one with the boys.
What's the hardest part of going vegetarian? Giving up cold turkey
TIL Necrophiles mean a whole different thing by Popping open a cold one with the boys.
So this guy checks into rehab the day after Thanksgiving. He couldn't quit cold turkey.
Beggars are like mosquitos... You hope for cold weather, so they will stop bothering you.
What do necrophiliacs and alcoholics have in common? They both want to crack open a cold one.
How do you keep warm in cold room? You go to the corner, cause it's always 90 degrees
Why wasn't the giant squid terrorising ships last night? He was too busy Kraken open a cold one with the buoys!
I asked the bartender for something cold and filled with rum... So he recommended his wife...
I hear they only serve ice cold beers in North Korea Cause Warmbiers are punishable by death
What do a necropheliac and the boys have in common? They both like to crack open a cold one
A blonde crashes a helicopter... A police officer drives by and exclaims, "What happened!?". She says, "It was getting cold so I turned off the fan".
I had a cold call today asking about my recent accident I said "well he's 22 now and I'm rather fond of him"
'My Grandfather Invented the Cold Air Balloon.' But it never really took off.
Necrophilia is like drinking beer There's nothing like popping open a cold one
It's Friday, And I'm A Vampire. Can't Wait To Have A Boy With The Cold Ones
My doctor must be a very visual person, Whenever I have a cold he holds out my medication and says "vitamins, see".
What do you give a cannibal that is late to dinner? The cold shoulder
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common? They both love to crack a cold one.
I like my women how I like my freezers.. Cold and empty inside.
The Cold War was so anticlimactic... I mean, most of it was just Stalin.
I got invited to a cannibal's luncheon last week, but I showed up about 30 minutes late. They gave me the cold shoulder.
Wanna know the best part about making out with a perfect 10? The cold feel of the mirror on your lips.
What's the difference between a cold nose and that weird white kid in your class? One's a cool hooter, the other is a school shooter
What happens to the cannibal when he's late for dinner? He gets the cold shoulder
Don't show up late for a cannibal's dinner party... You'll get the cold shoulder
What is hot and cold at the same time? A dead body.
My Psychology Professor asked me what Super Power I would like to have... Apparently "Cold War Era Russia" is not an acceptable answer.
My girlfriend hung a note on the fridge...
...which said: "I can't do it, it's not working anymore."
Door could be opened. Light is fully functional. Beer is cold.
I got no clue what she was talking about
Yo mama is so fat
She stays really warm in the cold. So she usually lends me her jackets in the winter.
What a nice person :)
Hi, welcome to Necrophiliac Club. Who wants a cold one?
Dad Joke: What do you call a Roman with a cold? Julius Sneezar
What happened to the cannibal that turned up late? He got the cold shoulder!
I went to a party at a morgue the other day We cracked open a few cold ones
What do alcoholics and necropheliacs have in common? They both love to crack open a cold one.
What happened to the cannibal who was late for dinner? He got the cold shoulder.
When I was younger, my parents used to make me go stay with my grandparents at the weekend And it was so cold in that cemetery!
Why did the rooster buy mittens?
So his chicken fingers wouldn't get cold.
I'll leave now
LPT: If you're cold, try standing in a corner. They are usually about 90°
Today it was so cold in the morning that.. I saw a democrat with his hand in his own pocket.
I like my coffee like I like my wife... cold and bitter.
If you want to break your addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers... you need to quit cold turkey.
What do a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common? Every night they pop open a cold one.
What did the sexist man say when his girlfriend asked for his coat? If you can't stand the cold, stay in the kitchen.
Did you hear about the eskimo couple? One cold night, she broke it off!
A pony recently got to work as a teacher, But 1 day before school starts he got a cold. Naturally he couldn't talk as loud as usual so the next day he comes into the class and says: "Good morning! Sorry if I'm being a bit quiet, I'm just a little horse."