Hilarious Cold Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Cold Jokes

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

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Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's" I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

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Republicans are the true snowflakes... they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools

EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry!

its a joke folks. just a joke.

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Justice is best served cold. Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

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Justice is a dish best served cold Because if it was served warm, it would be justwater

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Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then *gently* tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

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Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine? To stop his coffin.

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On a cold winter's morning Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:

"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:

"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:

"Computer is really screwed up now.”

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What does a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common? They both like to crack open a cold one.

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LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

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It's so cold outside I saw a politican with his hands in his own pockets.

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The problem with kissing a perfect 10 Is how cold the mirror feels on your lips.

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I slept with my best mate's wife last night and now I feel terrible. She must have given me a cold or something.

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It is so cold outside That I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets

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My wife left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mom's" I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

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1 and 2 went out for a walk in the snow. 1's hands got so cold that they went numb.

2's hands and feet both got cold, so he was even number.

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Here's a great life hack! When you're cold stand in a corner. It's 90 degrees!

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What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common? They both like to pop open a nice cold one.

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I like my women like I like my microwaves... Cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and willing and able to kill any baby I put inside them.

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What do you give a cannibal that shows up late to dinner? A cold shoulder.

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Why did the cannibal leave the restaurant? Because he got cold feet.

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The only problem with kissing a perfect 10... ...is how cold the mirror feels against your lips.

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Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of time You see, it used to get cold outside

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Son: Dad why is our food so cold and bland? Dad: It's because your mother put her heart and soul into it.

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Dad, I'm cold.. Dad : Go stand in the corner son.

Son: why?

Dad: because its 90 degrees

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Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: Windows frozen, won't open. Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap the edges with a hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

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Necrophilia is like pizza Even when it's cold it's still good.

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My friend asked me "if you could have any super power in the world, what would it be?" I said Cold War Russia.

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I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers I had to quit cold turkey

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A cannibal showed up late to the luncheon His friends gave him the cold shoulder.

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I saw a hipster walking outside in the cold. He didn't have a jacket on, so I asked him why.

He said he was outside before it was cool.

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Necrophilia is a lot like having a beer... there's nothing like popping open a cold one!

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I didn't realize how cold it was outside today... ... until I saw socialists with their hands in their own pockets

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It's so cold outside.... I saw a politician put his hands in his own pockets.

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You call it necrophilia.... But I call it cracking open a cold one with the boys.

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Why did the Cold War end? Global warming started.

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We've had a horrible winter this year. It was so cold, lawyers were walking around with their hand is their *own* pockets.

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I finally got a microwave to heat up my leftovers So I was able to quit cold turkey

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What happened when the cannibal was late for lunch? He was given the cold shoulder.

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New Cold Jokes

I remember when was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink. Nowadays they have cameras everywhere

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An amputee is taking part in a discussion on the effectiveness of gloves On one hand, they are good for cold weather.

On the other, they don't really help.

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What makes an alcoholic and a necrophiliac similar? Both like to crack open a cold one

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What did the cold tortilla say? Brrrrrrrrrito!

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I no longer eat club sandwiches I quit cold turkey.

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Son: Dad, why is dinner so cold and bitter? Dad: Because your mother put her heart into it.

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UGH I was just forced to watch a stupid commercial about something called a Snuggie... I wanted to change the channel so bad, but I was under a blanket and didn't want my arms to get cold.

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My family told me to stop eating the leftover Thanksgiving food from the fridge. But sadly, I couldn't quit cold turkey.

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If Russia is so good at defeating it's enemies in the Winter Then how come they lost the Cold War?

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I slept with my best friend's’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. She must have given me a cold or something.

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A Blonde Crashes a helicopter A passerby jumps out and rushes up to her and exclaims,"What happened!?". She explains,"It got cold so I turned off the fan".

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My friend was cold so I told her to stand in the corner.. Corners are 90 degrees.

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Necrophilia The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.

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What do you call a necrophelic gang-bang? Cracking open a cold one with the boys.

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What's the hardest part of going vegetarian? Giving up cold turkey

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TIL Necrophiles mean a whole different thing by Popping open a cold one with the boys.

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So this guy checks into rehab the day after Thanksgiving. He couldn't quit cold turkey.

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Beggars are like mosquitos... You hope for cold weather, so they will stop bothering you.

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What do necrophiliacs and alcoholics have in common? They both want to crack open a cold one.

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How do you keep warm in cold room? You go to the corner, cause it's always 90 degrees

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Why wasn't the giant squid terrorising ships last night? He was too busy Kraken open a cold one with the buoys!

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I asked the bartender for something cold and filled with rum... So he recommended his wife...

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I hear they only serve ice cold beers in North Korea Cause Warmbiers are punishable by death

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What do a necropheliac and the boys have in common? They both like to crack open a cold one

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A blonde crashes a helicopter... A police officer drives by and exclaims, "What happened!?". She says, "It was getting cold so I turned off the fan".

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I had a cold call today asking about my recent accident I said "well he's 22 now and I'm rather fond of him"

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'My Grandfather Invented the Cold Air Balloon.' But it never really took off.

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Necrophilia is like drinking beer There's nothing like popping open a cold one

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It's Friday, And I'm A Vampire. Can't Wait To Have A Boy With The Cold Ones

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My doctor must be a very visual person, Whenever I have a cold he holds out my medication and says "vitamins, see".

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What do you give a cannibal that is late to dinner? The cold shoulder

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Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.

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What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common? They both love to crack a cold one.

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I like my women how I like my freezers.. Cold and empty inside.

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The Cold War was so anticlimactic... I mean, most of it was just Stalin.

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I got invited to a cannibal's luncheon last week, but I showed up about 30 minutes late. They gave me the cold shoulder.

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Wanna know the best part about making out with a perfect 10? The cold feel of the mirror on your lips.

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What's the difference between a cold nose and that weird white kid in your class? One's a cool hooter, the other is a school shooter

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What happens to the cannibal when he's late for dinner? He gets the cold shoulder

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Don't show up late for a cannibal's dinner party... You'll get the cold shoulder

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What is hot and cold at the same time? A dead body.

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My Psychology Professor asked me what Super Power I would like to have... Apparently "Cold War Era Russia" is not an acceptable answer.

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My girlfriend hung a note on the fridge... ...which said: "I can't do it, it's not working anymore."

Door could be opened. Light is fully functional. Beer is cold.

I got no clue what she was talking about

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Yo mama is so fat She stays really warm in the cold. So she usually lends me her jackets in the winter.
What a nice person :)

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Hi, welcome to Necrophiliac Club. Who wants a cold one?

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Dad Joke: What do you call a Roman with a cold? Julius Sneezar

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What happened to the cannibal that turned up late? He got the cold shoulder!

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I went to a party at a morgue the other day We cracked open a few cold ones

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What do alcoholics and necropheliacs have in common? They both love to crack open a cold one.

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What happened to the cannibal who was late for dinner? He got the cold shoulder.

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When I was younger, my parents used to make me go stay with my grandparents at the weekend And it was so cold in that cemetery!

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Why did the rooster buy mittens? So his chicken fingers wouldn't get cold.

I'll leave now

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LPT: If you're cold, try standing in a corner. They are usually about 90°

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Today it was so cold in the morning that.. I saw a democrat with his hand in his own pocket.

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I like my coffee like I like my wife... cold and bitter.

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If you want to break your addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers... you need to quit cold turkey.

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What do a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common? Every night they pop open a cold one.

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What did the sexist man say when his girlfriend asked for his coat? If you can't stand the cold, stay in the kitchen.

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Did you hear about the eskimo couple? One cold night, she broke it off!

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A pony recently got to work as a teacher, But 1 day before school starts he got a cold. Naturally he couldn't talk as loud as usual so the next day he comes into the class and says: "Good morning! Sorry if I'm being a bit quiet, I'm just a little horse."

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