Turtle Jokes

Contents

Funniest Turtle Jokes

A snail gets mugged A snail is heading home from work, very late one night. He gets mugged by a turtle. The policeman says "Can you describe the guy?" The snail says "I don't know . . . it all happened so fast."

Score: 166

My friend was raped by a teenager mutant ninja turtle. He wasn't wearing a mask, so we don't know which one did it.

Score: 166

My 5 year old told me this. What did the snail say while on top of a turtle? Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Score: 68

A mugged turtle.. A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

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Funny Turtle Jokes
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I was at a fancy dress party, and I ran into a friend of mine, dressed as a turtle with another girl on her back I asked “who’s the other girl”

She said...

“Michelle”

Score: 31

A turtle is crossing the road.... when he is mugged by two snails. When the police show up they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies "I don't know...it all happened so fast!"

Score: 30

What do you call a porcupine riding a turtle? A slow poke.

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How do you call it when a turtle doesn't do what he's supposed to do? Uh, reptile dysfunction.

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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster.

Score: 22

What do you call a turtle with a hard on? A slow poke.

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I guy finds a little turtle but he isn't sure how to look after it. So he goes to the library and asks the librarian for a book on turtles.
She asks "Hardback?"
"Yes," he replies, "with a little head and beady eyes."

Score: 17

What do you call a Turtle that does yoga? A Contortoise...

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What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine? A slow poke

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What do you get when you mix a turtle and female genitalia? A clitortise

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What do you call a turtle who sleeps during the day and is awake at night? Nocturtle

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What do you call a turtle with an erection? "Slow Poke"

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what do u call a turtle running on a 9V rechargeable battery? Dura-Shell

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Courtesy of my five year old son... What do you get when a turtle and porcupine have a baby? A slow poke!

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What do you say to the teenage mutant ninja turtle Raphael when he is holding a miniature version of his weapons? Those are the wrong Sais

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Where do you find a turtle with no legs? Right where you left him.

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What do you call a turtle with an erection? A slow poke!

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A joke my 4 year old nephew made up. (It makes no sense, but still made me laugh.) If the three legged turtle crosses the road what color is the rabbit?
Green! Because Space Jam was a good movie.

Score: 11

What do you call a mix between a turtle and a porcupine? A slow poke

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I saw a turtle during a thunderstorm You could say he was shellshocked

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I can do an amazing sea turtle impression.... *chokes on a plastic bag*

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I went to a fancy dress party carrying my girlfriend on my back, someone asked "What are you supposed to be?" I answered "A turtle" "Why?" they asked... "That's Michelle" I said

Score: 9

A lorry full of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster.

Score: 9

Went to a Halloween party with my girlfriend And the host asked “what are you two dressed as?” And I said “I’m a turtle and this is Michelle”

Score: 9

What did the turtle do when he ran out of gas? He went to the Shell station.

Score: 8

I had a teacher called Mr Turtle. He tortoise.

Score: 7

Why can't Mario get a tinder date? His profile picture was him killing a turtle.

Score: 5

My high school teacher was a Turtle.. To this day, I remember everything he Tortoise!

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What happens when a turtle shows up at a party? It becomes a shellabration!

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A teenage mutant ninja turtle walks into a bar Yeah, right, like ninjas would ever be *seen* walking into a bar.

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What do you call an average turtle? C turtle

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When we were kids, we had a turtle as a nanny She tortoise everything we know

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By my estimation, Mitch McConnell's true age is... ...350 turtle years.

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A turtle walks into an airport. He goes to take a seat, and a security guard walks up to him and says, “You’re a turtle; you can’t be in here.”

Score: 2

What do you call a smart turtle Mr.Shelby

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New Turtle Jokes

What do you call a decorative wreath with a picture of a turtle on it? Aretha Franklin.

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I went to a fancy dress party last week with my Girl Friend on my back, the host said to me what have you come as? A Turtle I replied, so what is that on your back? Michelle. ( me shell )

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Where does a turtle hide his illegal business transactions? In a shell corporation.

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