Hilarious Turtle Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Turtle Jokes

A snail gets mugged A snail is heading home from work, very late one night. He gets mugged by a turtle. The policeman says "Can you describe the guy?" The snail says "I don't know . . . it all happened so fast."

Score: 166

My friend was raped by a teenager mutant ninja turtle. He wasn't wearing a mask, so we don't know which one did it.

Score: 166

My 5 year old told me this. What did the snail say while on top of a turtle? Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Score: 68

A mugged turtle.. A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

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I was at a fancy dress party, and I ran into a friend of mine, dressed as a turtle with another girl on her back I asked “who’s the other girl”

She said...

“Michelle”

Score: 31

A turtle is crossing the road.... when he is mugged by two snails. When the police show up they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies "I don't know...it all happened so fast!"

Score: 30

What do you call a porcupine riding a turtle? A slow poke.

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How do you call it when a turtle doesn't do what he's supposed to do? Uh, reptile dysfunction.

Score: 23

A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster.

Score: 22

What do you call a turtle with a hard on? A slow poke.

Score: 17

I guy finds a little turtle but he isn't sure how to look after it. So he goes to the library and asks the librarian for a book on turtles.
She asks "Hardback?"
"Yes," he replies, "with a little head and beady eyes."

Score: 17

What do you call a Turtle that does yoga? A Contortoise...

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What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine? A slow poke

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What do you get when you mix a turtle and female genitalia? A clitortise

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What do you call a turtle who sleeps during the day and is awake at night? Nocturtle

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What do you call a turtle with an erection? "Slow Poke"

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what do u call a turtle running on a 9V rechargeable battery? Dura-Shell

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Courtesy of my five year old son... What do you get when a turtle and porcupine have a baby? A slow poke!

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What do you say to the teenage mutant ninja turtle Raphael when he is holding a miniature version of his weapons? Those are the wrong Sais

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Where do you find a turtle with no legs? Right where you left him.

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What do you call a turtle with an erection? A slow poke!

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A joke my 4 year old nephew made up. (It makes no sense, but still made me laugh.) If the three legged turtle crosses the road what color is the rabbit?
Green! Because Space Jam was a good movie.

Score: 11

What do you call a mix between a turtle and a porcupine? A slow poke

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I saw a turtle during a thunderstorm You could say he was shellshocked

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I can do an amazing sea turtle impression.... *chokes on a plastic bag*

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I went to a fancy dress party carrying my girlfriend on my back, someone asked "What are you supposed to be?" I answered "A turtle" "Why?" they asked... "That's Michelle" I said

Score: 9

A lorry full of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster.

Score: 9

Went to a Halloween party with my girlfriend And the host asked “what are you two dressed as?” And I said “I’m a turtle and this is Michelle”

Score: 9

What did the turtle do when he ran out of gas? He went to the Shell station.

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I had a teacher called Mr Turtle. He tortoise.

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My favourite teacher was a turtle. I remember everything he tortoise.

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A turtle got mugged by a gang of snails... In the aftermath the police officer asked the turtle for details.
Trembling, the turtle mutters, "I... I don't know. It all just... happened so fast!"

Score: 6

What do you call a ninja turtle with an addiction to pastries? Donutello

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What do you tell the teenage mutant ninja turtle Raphael when he picks up a miniature version of his weapons? Those are the wrong Sais.

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Why can't Mario get a tinder date? His profile picture was him killing a turtle.

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We always called our teacher Turtle Because he Tortoise (Taught us).

Told by my 7 year old boy, so be gentle.

Score: 4

I can do an amazing see turtle impression... *chokes on a polythene bag*

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My high school teacher was a Turtle.. To this day, I remember everything he Tortoise!

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A woman walks into a costume party, dressed as a turtle. As part of the costume, another woman was painted green ND attached to her back.

At the party, someone asked the woman "Who's that on you're back?"
To which they responded "That's Michelle".

Score: 3

New Turtle Jokes

What do you call an average turtle? C turtle

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Who is the sweetest ninja turtle? It's Donut-ello

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What do you call a smart turtle Mr.Shelby

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Girl are you a turtle? Because your hot as shell

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So this is how my day went... I woke up went to the store and bought a wooden turtle, then someone threw a hamburger at me, now I'm at home feeding my dog. So in conclusion I bought knick knack, got a patty wack, and gave my dog a bone.

Score: 2

My pet turtle just died. He was tilted due to missing both his right legs, and he loved ring shaped pasta. I'm really gonna miss turtellini.

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Walking along a pond a heard a turtle ribbit I guess you could say he has a reptile dysfunction

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What can't a turtle do when you flip it over? It can't believe you've done that.

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A lorry carrying a load of tortoises crashed though a railway crossing into a train full of terrapins . What a turtle disaster .

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What kind of pictures does a turtle take?? Shellfies!

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What do you call a turtle with no legs? It doesn't matter, it won't come anyways.

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My teacher. My favourite teacher was a Turtle, I remember everything he Tortoise.

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A teenage mutant ninja turtle walks into a bar Yeah, right, like ninjas would ever be *seen* walking into a bar.

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A turtle walks into a bar He asks for a drink but the bartender refuses to serve him and throws him out, one week later the turtle walks back to the bar
and asks the bartender ''but why?''

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Turtle Crossing How did the turtle cross the freeway?

Take the F out of free and the F out of way.

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What happens when a turtle shows up at a party? It becomes a shellabration!

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I have a famous turtle. Guess what it's called? Shellebrity.

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By my estimation, Mitch McConnell's true age is... ...350 turtle years.

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When we were kids, we had a turtle as a nanny She tortoise everything we know

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