Turtle Jokes

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Funniest Turtle Jokes

A mugged turtle.. A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Funny Turtle Jokes

I was at a fancy dress party, and I ran into a friend of mine, dressed as a turtle with another girl on her back I asked “who’s the other girl”

She said...

“Michelle”

A turtle is crossing the road.... when he is mugged by two snails. When the police show up they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies "I don't know...it all happened so fast!"

How do you call it when a turtle doesn't do what he's supposed to do? Uh, reptile dysfunction.

A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster.

I guy finds a little turtle but he isn't sure how to look after it. So he goes to the library and asks the librarian for a book on turtles.
She asks "Hardback?"
"Yes," he replies, "with a little head and beady eyes."

What do you call a turtle with a hard on? A slow poke.

What do you call a Turtle that does yoga? A Contortoise...

What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine? A slow poke

What do you get when you mix a turtle and female genitalia? A clitortise

What do you call a turtle who sleeps during the day and is awake at night? Nocturtle

What do you call a turtle with an erection? "Slow Poke"

what do u call a turtle running on a 9V rechargeable battery? Dura-Shell

Courtesy of my five year old son... What do you get when a turtle and porcupine have a baby? A slow poke!

Where do you find a turtle with no legs? Right where you left him.

What do you say to the teenage mutant ninja turtle Raphael when he is holding a miniature version of his weapons? Those are the wrong Sais

A joke my 4 year old nephew made up. (It makes no sense, but still made me laugh.) If the three legged turtle crosses the road what color is the rabbit?
Green! Because Space Jam was a good movie.

What do you call a mix between a turtle and a porcupine? A slow poke

What do you call a turtle with an erection? A slow poke!

I saw a turtle during a thunderstorm You could say he was shellshocked

I can do an amazing sea turtle impression.... *chokes on a plastic bag*

Went to a Halloween party with my girlfriend And the host asked “what are you two dressed as?” And I said “I’m a turtle and this is Michelle”

A lorry full of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster.

What did the turtle do when he ran out of gas? He went to the Shell station.

What is wrong with a turtle who can't come out of his shell? Ereptile dysfunction

Man goes to a costume party... Man goes to a costume party with only a naked woman on his back.

"What are you suppose to be then?" the host asks

"I'm a turtle"

"How can you be a turtle when all you have on your back is a naked woman?"

"Oh her?"

"That's just Michelle."

A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails.

​

When the police show up, they ask him what happened.

The shaken turtle replies: "I don't know. It all happened so fast"

So a turtle gets mugged by two snails on his way home When the police finally show up they ask the turtle,

"Mr. Turtle, tell us everything!"

The turtle responds with fear still in his eyes,

"I can't officer, it all happened so fast!"

What does a Jewish turtle say when it first meets someone? SHELLom

A turtle got mugged by two snails. A turtle was crossing the road when two snails mugged him.  The police showed up and asked the turtle what happened.  “I don’t know,” the turtle replied. “It all happened so fast.”

A turtle got mugged by a gang of snails... In the aftermath the police officer asked the turtle for details.
Trembling, the turtle mutters, "I... I don't know. It all just... happened so fast!"

Why did the turtle go to AT&T because he couldn't sprint

What do you call a ninja turtle with an addiction to pastries? Donutello

I was told to stop eating fast food so I ate a turtle

A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back... ...
"What are you supposed to be, then?" the host asks.

"I'm a turtle,"

"How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?"

"Oh her?" He smiles. "That's Michelle!"

What do you tell the teenage mutant ninja turtle Raphael when he picks up a miniature version of his weapons? Those are the wrong Sais.

A turtle walks into a bar... ...actually, it was supposed to be a rabbit, but lack of a neutral net forced a last minute script change.

A animal joke A turtle is crossing the ride and gets mugged by two snails. When the police show up and ask him what happened, the turtle told them,”I don’t know, it all happened so fast”

Why is turtle wax so expensive? because turtles have such small ears

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New Turtle Jokes

I just realized what Mitch McConnell's spirit animal It's a obese snapping turtle

Two snails are sitting on the back of a turtle and one snail turns to the other and says "Hold on, friend. Here we go!"

When I agree up in 80ies, lots of people were worried that microwave ovens were radioactive and I was a huge Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fan.... ...with a pet rat.

I guess you can see where this is going.

What did the angry sea turtle say about pollution? This is the last straw!

One of my friends wants to be a turtle breeder, but he can't get the turtles to mate. He has a reptile dysfunction.

What's something a turtle can't do when you put it on its back? It can't believe you've done this

What do you call a Turtle with a hard-on? Slow poke.

Turtle crossing.... A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails.

When the police show up, they ask him what happened.

The shaken turtle replies, ***“I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”***

A lorry load of tortoises crashed into a truck load of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

What do you get when you cross a turtle and a porcupine? A Slow-poke!

There's a turtle with no arms and legs trying to get across the free way, how does he do it? Hint: take the "F" out of "Free" and the "F" out of "way". There's no F in way.

Why did the turtle cross the road? Because he was stapled to the chicken

What happens when you try to crossbreed a turtle and a dragon? You get a crushed turtle.

Why did the turtle cross the road? I don't know because he didn't live to tell me!

Why did the turtle cross the road? We don’t know yet, he’s still crossing...

What did the business turtle say to his date? How'd you like a little shell company?

What do you call a turtle that flies? A shell-icopter

What's the cross between a turtle and a gas station? Shell

;)

What's the difference between a land turtle and a sea turtle? Land turtles are invisible.

A turtle is mugged by two snails When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

A turtle walks into an airport. He goes to take a seat, and a security guard walks up to him and says, “You’re a turtle; you can’t be in here.”

Why couldn’t the turtle get his neck out of his shell? Reptile Dysfunction

What do you call an average turtle? C turtle

A turtle and the snails A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

I’m no peta guy or anything but I do think it’s pretty messed up that they make sweaters out of turtle necks.

I can do an amazing see turtle impression... *chokes on a polythene bag*

What does a turtle wearing a fedora eat? M’lettuce

Where do you find a turtle with no legs? Wherever you left him.

WHAT Does a snail say riding a turtle Weeee

I wonder what turtle tastes like? Plastic.

What do you call a turtle that's only awake at night? A noc-turtle

A truckload of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins It was a turtle disaster.

What do you call a decorative wreath with a picture of a turtle on it? Aretha Franklin.

What do you call a turtle that surfs the dark web? A TORtoise

I crashed into a truck full of terrapins earlier Turtle disaster

What do you call a blind sea turtle? A can’t see turtle

Went to a fancy dress party dressed as a turtle with a friend on my back.... Someone asked "who's that on your back?"


"That's Michelle" I replied.

A turtle walks into a restaurant and orders a soup. "Sorry," says the waiter, "we don't serve a turtle soup here."

By Debbie Carter A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

What's Steve Job's favorite animal part? Turtle necks

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Long Turtle Jokes

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.

Edit: mutant added**

Edit 2: to those who are telling me it's not a joke, because my son doesn't understand the English language. WOW, you're right! I hadn't thought of that. I really thought he got me, but you have changed everything! My 4 year old son doesn't know the word "bare", or sarcasm yet. Please stop PMing me that now. Thank you.

Post turtles.

An old farmer was getting his hand stitched up after an accident at his cattle farm.

He and the doctor start into conversation, which leads into politics.

The old farmer explained, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked what a 'post turtle' was. The old farmer explained as best he could, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle on top, that's a 'post turtle.'

The doctor remained puzzled. The farmer continued further.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him there to begin with."

My (American) grandfather's joke which I just shared with my (French) husband

There once was a snail named Sam who lived in a forest which had an interesting reputation; All the forest creatures would design elaborate vehicles and then race against each other every month. The snail loved to watch the races, and dreamed of participating one day.

However, everyone told the snail there was no way someone as slow as him would ever race. But, he was determined! For months, he worked and worked on building the perfect vehicle. When he was done, he painted a big "S" on the side for his name, Sam.

The day of the race finally arrived, and Sam slowly pushed his vehicle up to the starting line with all the other forest critters. Everyone was laughing so hard at him, saying there was no way he could compete with the others. Determined, Sam got in his vehicle and waited for the start.

A bird flying overhead called out the countdown. "Three... Two... One! GO!"

POOF! In a cloud of smoke, Sam had burst ahead and was already yards in front of everyone else. All the other forest critters gaped in astonishment, until a hare who had lost a previous race to a turtle yelled out, "Wow! Look at that *S car go*!"

My favorite clean joke

A young turtle is seen in the forest climbing up the trunk of a tree. It reaches the first sturdy branch of the tree and climbs out to the very end of it. At the end of the branch it hesitates for a minute before jumping off flailing its legs wildly tumbling end over end before smashing head first into the ground.

Slightly dazed the turtle gets up and starts climbing the tree again. This time the turtle passes the first branch, and starts crawling along a higher, less sturdy branch. Once again he reaches the end, hesitates, and then jumps off flailing wildly and end over end until he smashes head first into the ground.

This time the turtle seems clearly shaken up, but resolutely starts climbing the tree again. He bypasses both the first and second branch and climbs out the highest, most shaky branch. This time when he reaches the end of the branch he looks over and waves at two birds watching him.

The birds look at one another when the male bird says: I think it's time we tell him he is adopted.

A man is sitting on the bank of a river with a turtle

And an officer from the fisheries board approached him. The officer says to the man "do you know it's illegal to poach turtles out of this river - they're an endangered species"?

The man says to the officer, "no this is my pet turtle. I bring
him down here everyday and let him go for a swim. He swims
across the river and back".

"Bullshit" the officer replies. So the man places the turtle in the
water and says "watch this". The turtle swims out and the two
men are standing there waiting.

Ten minutes goes past and the officer says "well where's the turtle?".

The man replies - "what turtle"?

A duck tries to walk into a bar...

...but he is stopped by the bouncer. "One dollar cover," says the bouncer. The duck has a bill, so he waddles right in.

Five minutes later, a turtle tries to walk into the bar. "One dollar cover," says the bouncer. The turtle has a greenback, so he walks right in.

Five minutes after that, a skunk tries to walk into the bar. "One dollar cover," says the bouncer. The skunk walks away disappointed, for he only had a scent.

The turtle

There was a lion in the jungle who was getting very bored and very evil. So because he was the king he started a contest with his old friend turle. The contest stated- whoever makes turtle laugh first does not have to suffer death. So he had all his subjects line up in front of turtle. The first in line was zebra, he told the funniest joke the kingdom had hearf in centuries, even lion laughed a little. But turtle stared him in the eye mercilessly and without emotion. The lion looked at zebra and said sorry, rules are rules so he killed him and fed zebra to the hyenas. Then giraffe came and told an equally funny joke to which turtle didnt respond. So he died a terrible death as well. This went on for weeks and weeks and turtle would not laugh. When finally the only animals left were the lion, the turtle, and the hyenas. So lion told the hyenas, bring me your best jokester and we will finish this contest. So the hyenas brought their best comic and he told his joke. The turtles eyes widened he looked at lion and said ha...haha....hahahahahahahahaha! I just got the zebras joke.

Three women die in an accident together and go to heaven.

They meet god at the door, and he says "there is only one rule in heaven. Don't step on the turtles."

So they go in, and sure enough there are millions and millions of turtles on the ground, and it is near impossible not to step on one.

So the first woman accidentally steps on a turtle. Saint Peter comes and chains her hand together with the hand of the ugliest man she had seen in her life.

Later, the second woman stepped on a turtle, and Saint Peter came and chained her hand to another ugly, ugly man's hand.

The last woman was very, very careful though. She didn't step on a turtle for months. So when the 3rd month finished without her stepping on a turtle, Saint Peter came and chained her hand to a beautiful, handsome, muscular man's hand.

She says "do you know why we were chained up?"
He replies "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a turtle."

My 5 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.

A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back.

"What are you supposed to be, then?" The host asks.


"I'm a turtle" said the man.


"How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?" Replies the host.


"Oh her?" He smiles. "That's just Michelle."

Bad News

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back.

"What are you supposed to be, then?" the confused host asks.

"I'm a turtle," the man replies.

"What a load of rubbish!" the host says. "How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?"

"Oh her?" the man smiles. "That's just Michelle!"

A Turtle,Hippo, and Zebra are told to tell a joke to a Lion....

The Lion tells the three animals if he doesnt laugh at their jokes then he will kill them

The Turtle steps up and tells his joke, the Lion doesn't laugh, so he kills the Turtle

The Hippo, nervous, steps up and tells his joke, the Lion doesn't laugh, so he kills the Hippo

The Zebra, completely scared to death, steps up and tells his joke, the Lion bursts into uncontrollable laughter

"Did you really find my joke funny?"

The Lion responds, "No, I just finally got the joke the Turtle told me."

A young turtle is seen in the forest climbing up the trunk of a tree.

It reaches the first sturdy branch of the tree and climbs out to the very end of it. At the end of the branch it hesitates for a minute before jumping off flailing its legs wildly tumbling end over end before smashing head first into the ground.

Slightly dazed the turtle gets up and starts climbing the tree again. This time the turtle passes the first branch, and starts crawling along a higher, less sturdy branch. Once again he reaches the end, hesitates, and then jumps off flailing wildly and end over end until he smashes head first into the ground.

This time the turtle seems clearly shaken up, but resolutely starts climbing the tree again. He bypasses both the first and second branch and climbs out the highest, most shaky branch. This time when he reaches the end of the branch he looks over and waves at two birds watching him.

The birds look at one another when the male bird says: I think it's time we tell him he is adopted.

When I was a little kid I had a pet turtle. Tiny little turtle, kept him in an aquarium. When i went to camp, the turtle died. When i got home, my dad lied to me. He said, "your turtle is live and well, it just went to go live with your mother." And i believed that til i was digging in the backyard

...found my mom's body.

Smh worst day of my life,
I loved that turtle

A nude lady enters the costume party behind the turtle

She has nothing but a monkey covering her pubic area.

The host takes one puzzled look.

"Alright, I give up. Judging by what I asked the turtle, I may regret asking this, but what are you supposed to be?"

"I'm an Italian boy!"

"What's with the monkey?"

"That'sa not a monkey! That's a macaque!"

A man is sitting at a bar when he notices a turtle near the register. It is covered with bandages ....

and not moving. "So uh, what's the deal with the dead turtle?" he asks.
The barkeep perks up, "Dead? you say? I'll have you know that this is the fastest turtle on Earth!" "In fact, I have fifty dollars that say **this** turtle can beat **you** to the other side of the room!"

The man looks at the motionless turtle and says, "Alright - Your on!"

"on the count of three" says the bartender.
"one"
"two"
"three!" and he picks up the turtle and throws it across the room.

A boy sees that his pet turtle isn't moving...

"Mommy, my turtle is dead," wailed the little boy to his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.

His mom said, "That's all right. We'll wrap him in a tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a lovely burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for a yummy big ice cream, and then get you a great new pet, like a puppy!" Just then, she noticed the turtle move. "Look! Your turtle isn't dead after all!"

"Oh," said the little boy, "can we kill it?"

A man walks into a bar with a small turtle in his hand.

The turtle has one black eye, two of its legs are twisted horrifically and it's shell is duct taped together.

The bartender, about to tie his German Shepard to the counter, asks the man, "Is your turtle OK?,"

"Better than that," the man responds, "This turtle is incredibly fast. In fact, go over to the other side of the bar and on the count of three call over that dog of yours. I bet $50 that my turtle can reach that side of the bar before your dog can."

Believing this is an easy $50, and that the man was mad, he accepts and walk to wall of the bar opposite to where his dog, the turtle and the man were. On the count of three, the bartender calls over his dog.

But suddenly, the man picks up his turtle, and throws it across the room, barely missing the bartender and smashing into the wall.

The man walks over to the horrified bartender and gleefully says, "Fifty bucks, please."

Three turtles go on a picnic ...

It takes them 10 days to get to the spot, because they're turtles. When they arrive and unpack the picnic basket, they realize they've forgotten the bottle opener.

"Go back and get it", the two bigger turtles tell the smaller one.

"No way!" the smaller one says. "You'll eat all the sandwiches while I'm gone."

The two bigger turtles promise they won't, but the smaller turtle is dubious. Finally, they pinkie swear on their mother's grave that they'll wait for him to come back and he heads off.

10 days pass. 20 days pass. 30 days pass and the other two turtles are getting very hungry. After 40 days, they can't wait any longer and pick up the sandwiches and prepare to take a bite.

The little turtle comes out of the bushes and says, "See! That's why I'm not going."

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