Military Jokes

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Funniest Military Jokes

The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens. Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.

Funny Military Jokes

Why does the military use acid? To neutralize the enemy base

Why does the military only allow dress shirts at its ceremonies? Because civilian casual tees are unacceptable.

Why does the Norwegian military have barcodes on its ships? So when they return to the harbor they can Scandinavian.

What does the military use acid for? To neutralize the enemy base.

I COMPLETELY disagree with Trump's military trans ban... I mean, wouldn't all those attack helicopters be useful??

Why did the military use acid? To neutralize the enemy base!

Why is the military so strict about their uniforms? To minimize casual tees...

The American military should really be worried... Russian technology is a decade ahead of them at the moment.

Camouflage training at the military Captain: I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT THE CAMOUFLAGE TRAINING TODAY JOHNSON!!

Johnson: Thank you sir!

Why is the French military always shocked when they lose a battle? Because electricity flows in the path of *least resistance*

Why does the military stockpile hydrochloric acid? To neutralize their enemy's strongest bases.

If you ask my son why he joined the Army he will proudly tell you he joined to military to kill people. He's a terrible doctor.

So the US Military dropped a 22,000 lb bomb on ISIS today. That moves Amy Shumer's special to the second spot for largest bomb for the year.

Why do all Swedish military ships have bar codes on them? So when the come to port, they can just Scan da navy in!

What's the difference between an Afghani Military Base and a Pakistani Elementary School? I don't know, I just fly the drone.

What do you get if you drop a piano on a military base? A flat major.

Did you know North Korea's military marches to the left? They have no rights

What's the most american US military branch? the Air Force. They're USAF.

What is the national bird of Pakistan? An american military drone

I was kicked out of the military because I got gonorrhea It was a dishonorable discharge

What is the military term for premature ejaculation? Dishonorable discharge

The US Military today confirmed that two marijuana users were killed when an aircraft crashed into a house shortly after takeoff. Experts are saying it's the first recorded instance of killing two stoners with one bird.

I saw a veteran begging in the street which made me very upset But then I remembered I wasn't required to give the military quarters.

After years in the Military After years in the Military, the soldier survived mustard gas and pepper spray and was proud to finally be able to call himself a seasoned veteran.

TIL that all Norwegian military boats have barcodes on them. So when they return to port they can Scandinavian.

Why do the military use acids? To neutralize enemy bases

What's the difference between a Pakistani school and military base? Don't ask me man, I just fly the drone.

Why does the French Military install rearview mirrors on their tanks? So that they can see the battle.

Why is being in the military like a blow job? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

How can you distinguish between a hospital and a military base? Frankly I'm not sure - I'm just a drone pilot.

How do you tell the difference between a Syrian hospital and an ISIS military base? I don't know either, Johnny, just fly the drone.

It's important for military engineers to know what an impact driver is. This is not a drill

Why are military officers orders vague Because they always talk in General terms

The military man survived mustard gas and pepper spray He's a seasoned veteran

Did you know there is a Hungry Hippo that was a US Military Veteran? Yeah! He fought in VietNOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM

Why did the military use acid? To neutralise the enemy base.

Military Jokes I'm a former Army guy and I need some jokes about other branches of the military. So far all I have is:

In the Navy, how do you seperate the men from the boys?
-With a crowbar.

What's the worst thing in a woman?
-A Marine

What military rank do you hold while using a pay toilet? Lieutenant

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New Military Jokes

The military is now weaponizing fish They're sending them to battle in fish tanks

Obviously they have to be small enough for the fish to fit in though, so they're built to scale

Why do Denmark, Norway, and Sweden put bar codes on the sides of their military ships? So when they come in to port, they can just Scandinavian.

What is the first thing French soldiers learn, when joining the military ? The phrase "I surrender" in german

In the Military bootcamp Soldier: SIR WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN STEPPING ON A MINE?

Sergeant: Easy jump 10 meters in the Air and distribute yourself evenly in a radius of 15 meters

What do you call a shipment full of military issued t-rexes? small arms

If the U.S. military is called in to keep order, protestors need to switch tactics for distracting them from lasers and road cones to dumping oil everywhere.

The US is considering sending the military to quell protests. At least we'll finally get some domestic spending.

Did they find oil in Waschington, D.C.? There is no other explanation for such a presence of the U.S military

My friend is so successful, he does surgery, is a military general, and he was recently knighted by the Queen of England. We call him Sir Gen

A General and a Private encounter one another after military training. The general tells the private, “Hey, you! I didn’t see you at camouflage practice today!” The private replied with “Gee, thanks!”

Did you know that the military scientists in Area 15 found a way to make people read numbers backward?

What’s the similarity between a medieval military engineer and a pornography director? They always want the biggest breastworks.

Why did the optometrist set his clock to military time? To see 20:20

What do you call a pirate with military experience? Army Matey.

What do you call a military man's premature ejaculation? A dishonorable discharge.

Why do the Swedish military have barcodes on the sides of their ships? So when they all return to port, they can Scandinavian.

The U2 spy plane took many pictures during its military career. But it still hasn’t found what it’s looking for.

What do the military and Catholic priest's have in common? Predator Missiles.

The military was trying to ban transpeople from joining.. ..which I find wasteful considering a portion of them are x-men.

If all of the Democratic candidates this primary had military experience... ...then, in theory, we could have seen a race between G.I. Joe and Colonel Sanders.

How does the French Military advertise its surplus WW2 rifles? “Brand new, only been thrown onto the ground once.”

It’s 1953 and a Korean military general says... I think I need a korea-change.

My gender is NOT attack helicopter Those are allowed in the military

If rock bands were our military Foo Fighters would be protecting us from foo’s on the ground while the Stone Temple Pilots are protecting the skies

What did the baby say to his military mom after she gave birth to him? Thank you for your cervix

I keep hearing people make jokes about dropping lizzo on Iran but come on that not very nice... The USAF doesn’t have a plane that could lift her. Don’t put such an unrealistic expectation on our military like that.

What does a series of spaceships named "San" and American Military History have in common? San Juan

Word on the street is that Iran is looking for a new military General Trump's even creating jobs in Iran!

How does the French military advertise its surplus WWII rifles? “Brand new, only been thrown onto the ground once.”

What military branch does a pirate join? The Arrrrrrrrmy

What’s the difference between Logan Paul and the US military The Americans were actually concerned if they found people in the forest.

I’ve been convinced: Trump really is trying to create more jobs I hear the unemployment rate for military analysts in Iran is at a record low!

An undercover Iranian soldier was captured by the US military and was under interrogation... US soldier : - *smacks the captured soldier* - "who sent you?"

Iranian soldier : - "Madiq"

US soldier : - "Madiq who?"

Iranian soldier : - "Suq madiq!

The military will save money by drafting young adults And letting them pay for wartime wounds with their own healthcare.

The military told me that I was being drafted. You know what I did? Iran.

Do you know why Trump supporters are not scared about WW3? Cause the military can't draft retards.

The military just came to my door saying I was getting drafted, guess what I did Iran

The military knocked on my door this morning. Guess what I did? Iran.

My grandkids were wondering how WW3 started and exactly how i served in the military during the war... I simply said "Iran"

A ghost joins the military He could never become a Corporeal

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Long Military Jokes

A soldier ran up to a nun

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed...
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."

Job Interview

A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay.

Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?"

"This is a government job , " the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. i'll explain later."

The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt said " I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Syria either."

A man goes to the Council to apply for a job

The interviewer asks him, ''Are you allergic to anything?''


He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee.''


''OK, have you ever been in the military
service?''


he says, ''l was in Iraq for one tour.''
The interviewer says, ''That will give you 5
extra points toward employment.'' The interviewer then asks, ''Are you disabled in any way?''


The man says, ''Yes. A bomb exploded near
me and I lost both my testicles.''


The interviewer grimaces and then says,
''Okay. You've got enough points for me to
hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10 a.m., and plan on starting at 10 a.m. every day."


The man is puzzled and asks, ''If the work
hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., why don't
you want me here until 10?"


''This is a government job," the interviewer
says. ''For the first two hours, we just stand
around drinking coffee and scratching our
balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Just an inch !

An American, an Afghan and an Frenchman sitting outside a bar, keep arguing about how their country is more advanced. A heated debate between the American and Frenchman continues whilst the Afghan can't seem to beat either of them and seems visibly frustrated.
" Our military is so advanced that our jets touch the sky when they fly" boasted the American. "REALLY, the SKY? ", snapped the Frenchman. " Well maybe an inch below" the American conceded.
Not to be outdone, the Frenchman says "our submarines are so advanced that they can dive to the deepest depth of the ocean and move along the floor". "I doubt that" says that American dismissively. "Well maybe an inch above " the Frenchman concedes.
The Afghan suddenly exclaims, " In my country we have revolutionized how we eat. All of us can simply eat through our nose"
"Impossible" the American and Frenchman exclaim in disbelief.
"Well maybe an inch below" concedes the gleeful Afghan.

President Obama visits the Pentagon...

President Obama visits the Pentagon to test out the latest in military technology.

A scientist says to him "We have two projects that we are very proud of. One is a powered exoskeleton and the other is an invisibility cloak. Which would you like to try first?"

Obama replies, "Uh, let me be clear."

A senior West Wing staffer told Trump that...

...he had a dream, and in that dream Trump got his huge military parade after all, complete with hundreds of thousands of cheering, flag-waving people lining the streets.

"Was I smiling?" Trump asked.

"I don't know," the aide replied. "It was a closed casket."

One American Soldier

My apologies if this has been told here already (I haven't found it yet). A military buddy of mine told me this when he got back home:



One day during the Gulf War, an Iraqi general and his army were patrolling through semi-mountainous terrain. Suddenly, over one of the hills they hear a soldier.

"One American soldier can take out 10 Iraqi soldiers!"

The Iraqi general smirks, then sends 10 of his soldiers over the hill. A brief firefight ensues, and then everything goes quiet...

"One American soldier can take out 100 Iraqi soldiers!"

The Iraqi general is rightfully impressed, so he laughs and sends 100 of his soldiers over the hill to finish the job. A large battle is heard over the hill that lasts much longer than the previous fight. Finally, everything calms down...

"One American soldier can take out 1000 Iraqi soldiers!"

The Iraqi general is furious, and sends over 1000 of his best soldiers. A massive and lengthy battle takes place over the hill. During the fight, a wounded Iraqi soldier comes crawling back over the hill toward the general.

"Sir! Do not send any more men! It's a trap! THERE'S TWO OF THEM!!"

A soldier ran up to a nun

A soldier ran up to a nun, Out of breath he asked,


"Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."


The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officer ran
up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"


The nun replied, "He went that way."


After the Military Police officers ran off, the soldier crawled out
from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough
Sister.



You see, I don't want to go to war to Iraq .



The nun said, "I understand completely."



The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a
great pair of legs!"



The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you
would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go
to Iraq either!

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman apply to join MI6

The Englishman comes in for his interview and it goes really well, he has a glowing record in the Army and is a perfect fit for the job.

At the end the interviewer asks him "Who do you love more, your country or your wife?"

The Englishman replies "My country of course!"

"OK" says the interviewer, "go through to the next room and shoot your wife" and he hands the Englishman a 9mm pistol.

The Englishman takes the pistol and walks through to the next room, lo and behold is wife is there sitting at a table.

He thinks back to all the years he has been married, how she has stuck with him through thick and thin throughout his military career. He goes back to the interviewer and hands over the gun, "I cannot do it, I love her too much".

The Scotsman comes in for his interview and it goes brilliantly, he has an amazing record in the Navy and is a perfect fit for the job.

At the end the interviewer asks him "Who do you love more, your country or your wife?"

The Scotsman replies "My country of course!"

"OK" says the interviewer, "go through to the next room and shoot your wife" and he hands the Scotsman a 9mm pistol.

The Scotsman takes the pistol and walks through to the next room, lo and behold is wife is there sitting at a table.

He thinks back to all the years she has stuck by him, on long deployments in the Navy, she has always been there for him when he returns. He goes back to the interviewer and hands over the gun, "I cannot do it, I love her too much".

The Englishman and the Scotsman are in the waiting room and they see the Irishman go in for his interview. After a while they suddenly hear loud noises:

BANG! BANG! BANG!

a pause and then:

THUD! THUD! THUD! ... THUD!

A few seconds later the Irishman staggers out of the interview room covered in blood.

The Englishman ans Scotsman shout at him "WHAT HAPPENED?!"

The Irishman replies "Some idiot put blanks in the gun, so I beat her to death with the chair."

A guy goes to the Council to apply for a job

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10 a.m., and plan on starting at 10 a.m. every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., why don't you want me here until 10 a.m.?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.

The Nun

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please may I hide under your skirt? I will explain later."

The nun agreed. A moment later Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier run by here?"

The nun replied, "Nope, not today sir, god bless you" After the Police ran the other direction the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, you see, I don't want to go to war in Iran." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope this isn't rude sister but you have a great set of legs!"

The nun replied "Well, If you had looked a little higher you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iran either!"

New job

A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“OK, have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”

The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.”

Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.”

The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Disabled in your country’s service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay.”

Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day.”

The guy is puzzled and asks, “if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 AM?”

“This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”

Morning coffee in a US government job . . .

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now."

"Our normal hours are from 8 am to 4 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10 am and plan on starting at 10 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8 am to 4 pm, why don't you want me here until 10 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
So no point in your coming in for that."

The captain and the prostitute

A captain of the army goes to a prostitute and asks her :
"Say, madam, for a hundred dollars, would you accept my company ?"
And the prostitute answers : "Of course, a handsome military like you"
The captains thanks her, turns around and shout :
"Company, FORWARD !"

(I hope the joke translates well)

A Job Interview

A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay.

Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?"

"This is a government job , " the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."

Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.

Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.

Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.

Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.

Military joke

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office. “Since we weren’t actually at war,” the General began, “I can’t give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we’ve decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We’ll start on the left, boys, so what’ll it be?” Soldier 1: “The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!” General: “Very good son, that’s 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds” Soldier 2: “The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!” General: “Even better son, that’s 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds” Soldier 3: “The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!” General: “That’s a strange but fair request, son! As the general begins the measurement: “What! Son, where is your left pinky?” Soldier 3: “Falkland Island, sahr!”

It was early morning at the military base...

... and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:


"Ames"


"Here!"


"Jenson"


"Here!"


"Jones"


"Here!"


"Magersky"


"Here!"


"Seeback"

No answer.

"Seeback!"

No answer was heard again.

"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.


At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.

military jokes

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
--U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
--USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
--Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
--Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
--U.S. Air Force manual

"Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo."
--Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways."
--U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
--Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
--David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
--Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
--Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper....once."
--Anon

"Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do."
--Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
--Infantry Journal

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
--USAF Ammo Troop

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