Military Jokes

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Funniest Military Jokes

The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens. Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.

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Funny Military Jokes
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Why does the military use acid? To neutralize the enemy base

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Why does the military only allow dress shirts at its ceremonies? Because civilian casual tees are unacceptable.

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Why does the Norwegian military have barcodes on its ships? So when they return to the harbor they can Scandinavian.

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What does the military use acid for? To neutralize the enemy base.

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I COMPLETELY disagree with Trump's military trans ban... I mean, wouldn't all those attack helicopters be useful??

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Why did the military use acid? To neutralize the enemy base!

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Why is the military so strict about their uniforms? To minimize casual tees...

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The American military should really be worried... Russian technology is a decade ahead of them at the moment.

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Camouflage training at the military Captain: I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT THE CAMOUFLAGE TRAINING TODAY JOHNSON!!

Johnson: Thank you sir!

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Why is the French military always shocked when they lose a battle? Because electricity flows in the path of *least resistance*

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Why does the military stockpile hydrochloric acid? To neutralize their enemy's strongest bases.

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If you ask my son why he joined the Army he will proudly tell you he joined to military to kill people. He's a terrible doctor.

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So the US Military dropped a 22,000 lb bomb on ISIS today. That moves Amy Shumer's special to the second spot for largest bomb for the year.

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Why do all Swedish military ships have bar codes on them? So when the come to port, they can just Scan da navy in!

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What's the difference between an Afghani Military Base and a Pakistani Elementary School? I don't know, I just fly the drone.

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What do you get if you drop a piano on a military base? A flat major.

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Did you know North Korea's military marches to the left? They have no rights

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What's the most american US military branch? the Air Force. They're USAF.

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What is the national bird of Pakistan? An american military drone

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I was kicked out of the military because I got gonorrhea It was a dishonorable discharge

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What is the military term for premature ejaculation? Dishonorable discharge

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The US Military today confirmed that two marijuana users were killed when an aircraft crashed into a house shortly after takeoff. Experts are saying it's the first recorded instance of killing two stoners with one bird.

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I saw a veteran begging in the street which made me very upset But then I remembered I wasn't required to give the military quarters.

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After years in the Military After years in the Military, the soldier survived mustard gas and pepper spray and was proud to finally be able to call himself a seasoned veteran.

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TIL that all Norwegian military boats have barcodes on them. So when they return to port they can Scandinavian.

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Why do the military use acids? To neutralize enemy bases

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What's the difference between a Pakistani school and military base? Don't ask me man, I just fly the drone.

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Why does the French Military install rearview mirrors on their tanks? So that they can see the battle.

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Why is being in the military like a blow job? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

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How can you distinguish between a hospital and a military base? Frankly I'm not sure - I'm just a drone pilot.

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How do you tell the difference between a Syrian hospital and an ISIS military base? I don't know either, Johnny, just fly the drone.

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It's important for military engineers to know what an impact driver is. This is not a drill

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Why are military officers orders vague Because they always talk in General terms

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The military man survived mustard gas and pepper spray He's a seasoned veteran

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Did you know there is a Hungry Hippo that was a US Military Veteran? Yeah! He fought in VietNOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM

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Why did the military use acid? To neutralise the enemy base.

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Military Jokes I'm a former Army guy and I need some jokes about other branches of the military. So far all I have is:

In the Navy, how do you seperate the men from the boys?
-With a crowbar.

What's the worst thing in a woman?
-A Marine

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What military rank do you hold while using a pay toilet? Lieutenant

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I was seriously considering stealing a military strategy board game from the store yesterday... ...but i didnt. Im not much of a Risk taker.

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New Military Jokes

The military is now weaponizing fish They're sending them to battle in fish tanks

Obviously they have to be small enough for the fish to fit in though, so they're built to scale

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Why do Denmark, Norway, and Sweden put bar codes on the sides of their military ships? So when they come in to port, they can just Scandinavian.

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What is the first thing French soldiers learn, when joining the military ? The phrase "I surrender" in german

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In the Military bootcamp Soldier: SIR WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN STEPPING ON A MINE?

Sergeant: Easy jump 10 meters in the Air and distribute yourself evenly in a radius of 15 meters

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What do you call a shipment full of military issued t-rexes? small arms

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If the U.S. military is called in to keep order, protestors need to switch tactics for distracting them from lasers and road cones to dumping oil everywhere.

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The US is considering sending the military to quell protests. At least we'll finally get some domestic spending.

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Did they find oil in Waschington, D.C.? There is no other explanation for such a presence of the U.S military

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My friend is so successful, he does surgery, is a military general, and he was recently knighted by the Queen of England. We call him Sir Gen

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A General and a Private encounter one another after military training. The general tells the private, “Hey, you! I didn’t see you at camouflage practice today!” The private replied with “Gee, thanks!”

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Did you know that the military scientists in Area 15 found a way to make people read numbers backward?

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What’s the similarity between a medieval military engineer and a pornography director? They always want the biggest breastworks.

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Why did the optometrist set his clock to military time? To see 20:20

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What do you call a pirate with military experience? Army Matey.

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What do you call a military man's premature ejaculation? A dishonorable discharge.

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Why do the Swedish military have barcodes on the sides of their ships? So when they all return to port, they can Scandinavian.

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The U2 spy plane took many pictures during its military career. But it still hasn’t found what it’s looking for.

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What do the military and Catholic priest's have in common? Predator Missiles.

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The military was trying to ban transpeople from joining.. ..which I find wasteful considering a portion of them are x-men.

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If all of the Democratic candidates this primary had military experience... ...then, in theory, we could have seen a race between G.I. Joe and Colonel Sanders.

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How does the French Military advertise its surplus WW2 rifles? “Brand new, only been thrown onto the ground once.”

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It’s 1953 and a Korean military general says... I think I need a korea-change.

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My gender is NOT attack helicopter Those are allowed in the military

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If rock bands were our military Foo Fighters would be protecting us from foo’s on the ground while the Stone Temple Pilots are protecting the skies

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What did the baby say to his military mom after she gave birth to him? Thank you for your cervix

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I keep hearing people make jokes about dropping lizzo on Iran but come on that not very nice... The USAF doesn’t have a plane that could lift her. Don’t put such an unrealistic expectation on our military like that.

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What does a series of spaceships named "San" and American Military History have in common? San Juan

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Word on the street is that Iran is looking for a new military General Trump's even creating jobs in Iran!

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How does the French military advertise its surplus WWII rifles? “Brand new, only been thrown onto the ground once.”

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What military branch does a pirate join? The Arrrrrrrrmy

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What’s the difference between Logan Paul and the US military The Americans were actually concerned if they found people in the forest.

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I’ve been convinced: Trump really is trying to create more jobs I hear the unemployment rate for military analysts in Iran is at a record low!

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An undercover Iranian soldier was captured by the US military and was under interrogation... US soldier : - *smacks the captured soldier* - "who sent you?"

Iranian soldier : - "Madiq"

US soldier : - "Madiq who?"

Iranian soldier : - "Suq madiq!

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The military will save money by drafting young adults And letting them pay for wartime wounds with their own healthcare.

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The military told me that I was being drafted. You know what I did? Iran.

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Do you know why Trump supporters are not scared about WW3? Cause the military can't draft retards.

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The military just came to my door saying I was getting drafted, guess what I did Iran

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The military knocked on my door this morning. Guess what I did? Iran.

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My grandkids were wondering how WW3 started and exactly how i served in the military during the war... I simply said "Iran"

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A ghost joins the military He could never become a Corporeal

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I saw an ad for a vintage French military rifle today Never fired, dropped once

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I keep my house in strict military order. My kitchen is always a mess.

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What do you call the American version of a Chinatown? A military base

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Why did the military arrest all the pigeons? They were starting a coo.

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Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup? Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.

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I was trying unsuccessfully to convince people on a military history subreddit that I was French. Finally I gave up.

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[SERIOUS] What classified military equipment would make life easier? We don't know.

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Military puns are pretty lame. Generally speaking.

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How different military branches use stars The Army sleeps under the stars

The Navy navigates by the stars

And the Airforce choose hotels by the stars

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A country in the middle east faced an uprising and the military had to take control of the government They say the country's under Mash-allah

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Which branch of the military is the most American? The Air Force, because they are US AF.

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What's the military term for premature ejaculation? Dishonorable discharge.

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General Tso...Colonel Sanders... What is it with these high ranking military men making chicken?

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While in the military I experienced both mustard gas and pepper spray... I am a seasoned veteran.

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A young man goes to a military recruiting office and takes the required tests. The results aren’t great but the recruiter thinks he has potential to be in the Navy. His scores were suboptimal.

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My blackbelt karate teacher has honed his skill of painting high ranking military officials for years Now he is a master of marshal arts.

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A commander is stationed at a military base The commander told a soldier to check their position on the map.

Solder: "Sir! We're under a tack!"

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How can we confuse the Chinese Government? Make our military blueprints in the form of Ikea instructions.

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What gun does a military chef use? A salt rifle

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For weeks, I have been trying to convince people on a military history subreddit that I’m French. Finally I gave up.

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I left my job as a school teacher to join the military The risk of getting shot was just too damn high

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