Why didn't anyone drive stick in Soviet Russia? They were afraid of Stalin.
In Soviet Russia policeman questioning a man:
*This body is your mother in law, yes?*
**Yes**
*How did she die?*
**Mushroom poisoning**
*But why does she have 26 stab wounds?*
**She was refusing to eat them**
Who was the unluckiest person in Soviet Russia? Yuri Gagarin. He circled the earth 3 times but still ended up in Russia.
In Soviet Russia, pessimist says "things couldn't possibly possibly get any worse"... Russian optimist says "Yes they can!!!"
In Soviet Russia, you rob bank. In Corporate America, bank robs YOU!
In America, you put in screws. In Soviet Russia, Putin screws you.
In Soviet Russia, the government own businesses. In Capitalist America, businesses own the government. *Insert edgy quotes
In Soviet Russia, you rob bank! In United States, bank robs you!
In Soviet Russia a man walks into a shop. He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?” The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”
While in Soviet Russia, I went to visit a doctor.
"What happened to you?" He said.
"Migraine" i replied.
He bent forward, push upped his glasses and said, "Correction. Ourgrain."
IN SOVIET RUSSIA, YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT THEREFORE, YOU ARE NOTHING.
My uncle spoke of his time in Soviet Russia back in the day He said there were only 2 channels on TV. He said Channel 1 was propaganda, and channel 2 was a KGB pointing a Kalashnikov at the screen saying "Turn back to channel 1!"
In Soviet Russia, they don’t play The Floor is Lava... They play The Floor is Democracy
In Soviet Russia, a Judge bursts into his chambers laughing
*"I've just heard the funniest joke about Stalin... ever!"*
*"Well, go ahead and tell us."*, the other Judges ask.
*"I can't. I just gave someone a life sentence for it."*
In school, work determines your marks In Soviet Russia, Marx determines your work!
In Soviet Russia there are only two Tv channels. Channel one is propaganda. Channel two is KGB agent telling you to go back to channel one.
In Soviet Russia we're all equal... ...ly worthless.
Here in Soviet Russia
You rob bank.
Here in Capitalist America, bank rob you!
In Soviet Russia
A prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book.
The librarian says: "We don't have this book, but we have its author."
In Soviet Russia, there is no meiosis There is only ourosis
Why was there no school in Soviet Russia? Because it was a classless society
In Soviet Russia... ...end of joke is when line punches *you*.
In America, the army has read lots of news... In Soviet Russia, the news has lots of Red Army.
Did you know people in Russia are sexually attracted to light? In Soviet Russia, lights turn YOU on!
On Thanksgiving, in Soviet Russia... Turkey shoot you!
In Soviet Russia you watch TV... in America, TV watches you!
In Soviet Russia you don't iron curtains. Iron Curtains you.
Why cant you commit suicide in Soviet Russia? Because it's the destruction of government property.
In America you peek at pokemon... ... in soviet Russia pokemon peekatchu
In Soviet Russia you don't make a meme, You make a usus.
What fabric is worn in Soviet Russia? Linen
In Soviet Russia... Light turns you on...
In Soviet Russia, the only thing missing from G lag... ... is u.
In Soviet Russia... Hackers are hacked by elections.
It was geography class in Soviet Russia...
and little Dmitri asked, 'Why don't we ever get tested on the capitals of foreign countries?'
The teacher replied, 'Because we hate capital-lists, Dmitri.'