In Soviet Russia policeman questioning a man:
*This body is your mother in law, yes?*
*How did she die?*
*But why does she have 26 stab wounds?*
**She was refusing to eat them**
Who was the unluckiest person in Soviet Russia? Yuri Gagarin. He circled the earth 3 times but still ended up in Russia.
In Soviet Russia, pessimist says "things couldn't possibly possibly get any worse"... Russian optimist says "Yes they can!!!"
In Soviet Russia, the government own businesses. In Capitalist America, businesses own the government. *Insert edgy quotes
In Soviet Russia a man walks into a shop. He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?” The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”
A man in Soviet Russia asks, another, "How do you feel about Comrade Stalin?" The second replies, "I feel the same way you do." The first man replies, "Then I'm going to have to report you."
Old USSR joke about free speech
In America you have freedom of speech. You can stand in front of the White House and say: "Reagan Sucks."
In Soviet Russia, you also have freedom of speech. You can stand in front of the Kremlin and say: "Reagan Sucks."
While in Soviet Russia, I went to visit a doctor.
"What happened to you?" He said.
"Migraine" i replied.
He bent forward, push upped his glasses and said, "Correction. Ourgrain."
My uncle spoke of his time in Soviet Russia back in the day He said there were only 2 channels on TV. He said Channel 1 was propaganda, and channel 2 was a KGB pointing a Kalashnikov at the screen saying "Turn back to channel 1!"
In Soviet Russia, a Judge bursts into his chambers laughing
*"I've just heard the funniest joke about Stalin... ever!"*
*"Well, go ahead and tell us."*, the other Judges ask.
*"I can't. I just gave someone a life sentence for it."*
In Soviet Russia there are only two Tv channels. Channel one is propaganda. Channel two is KGB agent telling you to go back to channel one.
Workers from a small russian community recently gathered together to fix one of the bells in an old historical bell tower. Because in soviet russia, bell saved by you!
In Soviet Russia
A prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book.
The librarian says: "We don't have this book, but we have its author."
Did you hear about the USSR comedian who defined his self work through the success of his work? Because in Soviet Russia you don’t make jokes, jokes make you.
Why cant you commit suicide in Soviet Russia? Because it's the destruction of government property.
In America, the army has read lots of news... In Soviet Russia, the news has lots of Red Army.
My attempt to translate a joke from my native Russian language. But in Soviet Russia, joke translate you!
Breaking news: Rare time traveling bloodthirsty Fire elemental wolves spotted in Russia! In Soviet Russia, the hot dogs eat you.
Why is it called Red Square called Red Square when it is shaped like a rectangle? Because in Soviet Russia, all sides are equal.
It was geography class in Soviet Russia...
and little Dmitri asked, 'Why don't we ever get tested on the capitals of foreign countries?'
The teacher replied, 'Because we hate capital-lists, Dmitri.'
A Yakov Smirnoff joke from the 80's
In America you have many channel. In Soviet Russia vee only have 2 channel: KGB1 and KGB2.
KGB1 is station vith KGB agent say all day how great is Mother Russia.
KGB2 is station vith KGB agent say "TURN BACK TO KGB1!"
What did the horny Russian elephant say to the kidnapper? In soviet Russia, trunk gets in you.