In Soviet Russia Jokes

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Funniest In Soviet Russia Jokes

Funny In Soviet Russia Jokes

Why didn't anyone drive stick in Soviet Russia? They were afraid of Stalin.

In Soviet Russia policeman questioning a man: *This body is your mother in law, yes?*

**Yes**

*How did she die?*

**Mushroom poisoning**

*But why does she have 26 stab wounds?*

**She was refusing to eat them**

Who was the unluckiest person in Soviet Russia? Yuri Gagarin. He circled the earth 3 times but still ended up in Russia.

Most countries have mafia. In Soviet Russia, mafia have country.

In Soviet Russia, pessimist says "things couldn't possibly possibly get any worse"... Russian optimist says "Yes they can!!!"

In Soviet Russia, you rob bank. In Corporate America, bank robs YOU!

In America, you put in screws. In Soviet Russia, Putin screws you.

In Soviet Russia, the government own businesses. In Capitalist America, businesses own the government. *Insert edgy quotes

In Soviet Russia, you rob bank! In United States, bank robs you!

Roses are red, violets are blue In Soviet Russia
Poem writes you

In America, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, the Party always finds you.

In Soviet Russia a man walks into a shop. He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?” The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”

A man in Soviet Russia asks, another, "How do you feel about Comrade Stalin?" The second replies, "I feel the same way you do." The first man replies, "Then I'm going to have to report you."

Old USSR joke about free speech In America you have freedom of speech. You can stand in front of the White House and say: "Reagan Sucks."

In Soviet Russia, you also have freedom of speech. You can stand in front of the Kremlin and say: "Reagan Sucks."

While in Soviet Russia, I went to visit a doctor. "What happened to you?" He said.

"Migraine" i replied.

He bent forward, push upped his glasses and said, "Correction. Ourgrain."

With the advancement of self driving cars One could say, In Soviet Russia, you drive car

America Wants You! In Soviet Russia, you want America.

An aircraft fell out of the sky in soviet Russia It was Stalin

In California, you can always find a party In Soviet Russia, the party can always find you

IN SOVIET RUSSIA, YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT THEREFORE, YOU ARE NOTHING.

In Soviet Russia, they don’t play The Floor is Lava... They play The Floor is Democracy

My uncle spoke of his time in Soviet Russia back in the day He said there were only 2 channels on TV. He said Channel 1 was propaganda, and channel 2 was a KGB pointing a Kalashnikov at the screen saying "Turn back to channel 1!"

In Soviet Russia, a Judge bursts into his chambers laughing *"I've just heard the funniest joke about Stalin... ever!"*

*"Well, go ahead and tell us."*, the other Judges ask.

*"I can't. I just gave someone a life sentence for it."*

In school, work determines your marks In Soviet Russia, Marx determines your work!

In Soviet Russia there are only two Tv channels. Channel one is propaganda. Channel two is KGB agent telling you to go back to channel one.

Workers from a small russian community recently gathered together to fix one of the bells in an old historical bell tower. Because in soviet russia, bell saved by you!

roses are red, violets are blue in soviet russia, poems write you.

Here in Soviet Russia You rob bank.
Here in Capitalist America, bank rob you!

In Soviet Russia, there is no meiosis There is only ourosis

In Soviet Russia A prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book.

The librarian says: "We don't have this book, but we have its author."

In Soviet Russia we're all equal... ...ly worthless.

Why was there no school in Soviet Russia? Because it was a classless society

In Soviet Russia... ...end of joke is when line punches *you*.

Did you hear about the USSR comedian who defined his self work through the success of his work? Because in Soviet Russia you don’t make jokes, jokes make you.

Why cant you commit suicide in Soviet Russia? Because it's the destruction of government property.

In America, the army has read lots of news... In Soviet Russia, the news has lots of Red Army.

In Soviet Russia you watch TV... in America, TV watches you!

In Soviet Russia you don't iron curtains. Iron Curtains you.

Did you know people in Russia are sexually attracted to light? In Soviet Russia, lights turn YOU on!

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New In Soviet Russia Jokes

My attempt to translate a joke from my native Russian language. But in Soviet Russia, joke translate you!

Breaking news: Rare time traveling bloodthirsty Fire elemental wolves spotted in Russia! In Soviet Russia, the hot dogs eat you.

In Soviet Russia...... Revolution Industrializes you!

In America, you assassinate President In Soviet Russia, President assassinate you.

How they call a meme in Soviet Russia? A wewe

In Soviet Russia you don't make a meme, You make a usus.

In Soviet Russia... Hackers are hacked by elections.

In America, Chuck Norris drives car. In Soviet Russia...` Chuck Norris drives car.

In America you peek at pokemon... ... in soviet Russia pokemon peekatchu

Why is it called Red Square called Red Square when it is shaped like a rectangle? Because in Soviet Russia, all sides are equal.

In Soviet Russia, the only thing missing from G lag... ... is u.

In america you run out of money In Soviet Russia you run out of country

Why do russian athletes die in the first Place? Because in Soviet Russia lead is in you.

It was geography class in Soviet Russia... and little Dmitri asked, 'Why don't we ever get tested on the capitals of foreign countries?'

The teacher replied, 'Because we hate capital-lists, Dmitri.'

In Soviet Russia... ...HR violates youuuuuu!

credit goes to worker who was born in USSR.

In Soviet Russia... The European Union joins you.

A Yakov Smirnoff joke from the 80's In America you have many channel. In Soviet Russia vee only have 2 channel: KGB1 and KGB2.

KGB1 is station vith KGB agent say all day how great is Mother Russia.

KGB2 is station vith KGB agent say "TURN BACK TO KGB1!"

In Soviet Russia Jokes tell you!

What did the horny Russian elephant say to the kidnapper? In soviet Russia, trunk gets in you.

On Thanksgiving, in Soviet Russia... Turkey shoot you!

Soviet Russia In Soviet Russia, Turkey shoots you!

What fabric is worn in Soviet Russia? Linen

In Soviet Russia... Light turns you on...

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Long In Soviet Russia Jokes

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.

The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:

"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."

His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.

After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.

The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.

The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.

The receptionist responds:

"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."

Three friends walk into a hotel room in Soviet Russia

Two first men are open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.

The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:

"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."

His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.

After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.

The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.

The man is horrified. He ponders why he was spared.

The receptionist responds:

"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"

He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.

"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."

The man continues to keep his cool.

"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!".

He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.

"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.

The spy smirks.

"But I still think you American spy."

The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.

He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"

The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.

The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.

After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.

In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."

The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.

"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"

The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."

40 years ago today I married my wife

My whole side of the wedding flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however i did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "you may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.

Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people where waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.

As we passed, they all said in unison, "you may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned. As we walked away I asked, "why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?"

My wife answered,

"In soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"

I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said "yes!"

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.

Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.

As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.

As we walked away I asked, "Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?"

My wife answered,

"In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"

A Russian is digging around an old battlefield.

He occasionally finds bits of metal worth scrapping, or something interesting enough to keep. Today, he finds a small clump of smooth metal, only a few inches wide. He tosses it from hand to hand, appreciating the way the morning light glares against the surface of the metal. The man wonders if there might be something inside the smooth shell, so he takes it in both hands and pulls with all his might...

Suddenly there is a blinding flash and a deafening explosion. Pain floods the man's body as he looks around and sees that both of his arms have been flung at least 10 feet away. Everything turns to black as he hears shouts of alarm in the distance.

The man wakes up in a hospital 3 days later. Doctors tell him that they were unable to reattach his arms, and he needs to get accustomed to the idea of a life without those limbs. The man curses himself for forgetting one small, ever so important fact that day...

In Soviet Russia, bomb disarms you!

Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.

The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:

"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."

His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.

After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.

The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.

The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.

The receptionist responds:

"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."

In Soviet Russia

Two men were talking one day and one mentioned he was visiting Russia.

The friend tells him that it's politically rough over there and that they check letters leaving the country for dissenters. So, he instructs the man to use a code- write in black ink if everything is fine and red ink if things are bad.

The man goes to Russia. A couple weeks later the friend gets a letter in black ink. It says all sorts of positive things about Russia- how rich it is and how nice the people are to him. "My only complaint," he writes, "is that they don't have red pens."

An American spy goes to Soviet Russia.

An American spy is in Soviet Russia. He is digging up information on a powerful Russian politician, and is pretending to be a Russian.

He finds the politician in a bar, and walks in, dressed in Russian attire. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink, and walks to the politician.

"Greetings, comrade", says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy".

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained spy, he says, "that is not true, I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"

He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully. Everybody in the bar cheers.

"Very good, very good!", says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."

The man continues to keep his cool. "I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!". He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America, and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.

"Amazing! You are skilled!", says the politician. The spy smirks. "But I still think you American spy."
The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed. He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"

The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest. The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka. After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.

In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."

The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up. "Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"

The Russian politician replies, "there aren't many black people in Russia."

In Soviet Russia, people are waiting in line for meat.

The butcher pokes his head out and says, "Comrades, the truck will be here shortly, please be patient."

An hour later, "Comrades, the truck broke down and had to unload some meat. All Jews are requested to leave."

The Jews grudgingly leave the line.

Another hour later, "Comrades, the truck broke down again. All Ukranians have to leave."

Another two hours later, "Comrades, the truck broke down again. Non-Russians please leave."

Another five hours later, "Comrades, the truck broke down again. All non-party members have to leave."

It's now past midnight, in the freezing Russian winter. The few party members still left in line are greeted by the butcher, "Sorry Comrades. The truck won't be coming today. Please go home."

One of them turns to the other and says, "Damn Jews. They always get the best deals."

Back in Soviet Russia...

...there was a man working at a Siberian coal mine. Every Friday he would take a wheelbarrow full of dirt home. Every time he did this the security guard would stop him, make him dump out the dirt and sift through it searching for coal or other stolen valuables. The security guard always found nothing so he would reluctantly let the man reload the dirt and go home.

This goes on for 25 years until the man finally retired. On his last day the the bewildered security guard pleaded with him "I know you've been smuggling something out of here all of these years. Please just tell me what it was?" The man replied with a sly wink "Wheelbarrows".

A man lines up for food in Soviet Russia...

After two hours of waiting he gets his turn and offers his bowl.

“Out of soup.” says the officer in charge and waves him aside.

The man refuses to leave. He tosses the bowl on the table and curses the regime for failing his starving family.

The officer motions to the guards and they wrestle the ranting man away. As they shove him outside, one says to the man:

“Back then we could’ve shot you in the snow, comrade.”

The man goes back home to his wife. She sees him looking glum as he walks in and asks:

“Ran out of soup again?”

“Even worse,” he replied. “They ran out of bullets.”

I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home in Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things really strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.

Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.

As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.

As we walked away I asked, "Why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?"

My wife answered,

"In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"

In Soviet Russia...

A man asks a Russian: What nationality were Adam and Eve?
The Russian replies: Soviet of course!
The man asks: How do you know?
To which the Russian replies: Well they were both naked, had only an apple to eat, and thought they were in paradise.

Two policemen are walking down the street in Soviet Russia...

...when they spot a guy standing next to the local Party Headquarters holding a paintbrush. On the wall, he's just written "The government is run by idiots!". The first policeman pulls out a pair of handcuffs and asks the second, "Shall we arrest him for vandalizing public property, or for divulging state secrets?".

In Soviet Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car...

He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:

'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'

The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.

So he pays for the car in advance, and just before he leaves he asks the owner,

'Can I pick the car up in the morning or afternoon?'

'It's 10 years away, what does it matter?'

'The plumber is coming in the morning'.

Old Soviet joke - Children in the USSR

Back in Soviet Russia, little Misha is being read to by his babysitter. She reads: 'In the USSR, kindegardens are filled with wonderful toys.'
Misha listens with bright eyes.
'In the USSR, every child has a brand new bicycle.'
Little Misha opens his eyes even wider.
'In the USSR, every child drinks hot cocoa for breakfast.'
Little Misha starts crying his eyes out, bawling:
'I want to go to the USSR!'

A man is standing in a bread line in Soviet Russia.

He is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame". Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:

"Citizen, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"

As the policemen leave, the man turns back to the crowd and says:

"Not only we don't have bread or milk, but I was just told we ran out of bullets too."

In Soviet Russia, Comrade Wolf is going through his kill list.

Comrade Goat approaches him, *"Comrade Wolf, is my name on your list?"*

**"Yes."**

*"Give me one day to bid farewell to my family"*, Comrade Goat pleads.

***"Okay"***, says Comrade Wolf. He kills Comrade Goat after a day.

.

The next day, Comrade Ox approaches him, *"Comrade Wolf, is my name on your list?"*

***"Yes."***

*"Let me sort out my affairs. Please kill me tomorrow"*, Comrade Ox begs.

***"Okay"***, says Comrade Wolf. He kills Comrade Ox after a day.

.

On the third day, Comrade Fox approaches him, *"Comrade Wolf, is my name on your list?"*

***"Yes."***

*"Could you please remove it?"*

***"Okay."***

An American spy is trying to disarm a bomb in a Soviet school.

He's trying to decide which wire to cut. There's a red, a blue, and a green wire. As the timer ticks down and the agent is getting desperate he decides to cut the red wire. The next thing he remembers is waking up in a hospital. He can't feel or see anything but he hears the doctor's voice. "It's a miracle you survived. You should be glad that you're even alive." The agent responds: "What happened in the school." "Did I cut the wrong wire?" The doctor stays quiet but removes the bandage covering the agents eyes and he sees that his arms are completely missing from the shoulder down. "OH MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED TO MY ARMS. DOC!" "Well you see, in Soviet Russia bomb disarms you."

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