Rain Jokes

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Funniest Rain Jokes

Just asked Siri. "Surely it's not going to rain today?"

She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley"

...Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.

The sky above looked ominous, so I asked Siri, "Surely, it's not going to rain again today?!" It replied, "It is and don't call me Shirley!"

Guess I forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode…

Just asked Siri. "Surely it's not going to rain today?" She said, "it is, and dont call me Shirley".

Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.

Two blondes are locked out of their car... The first blonde is trying to unlock the car using a coat hanger. The second says to the first "hurry up! It looks like it's going to rain and the top's down!"

Funny Rain Jokes

I think my wife is starting to get depressed with all this rain we’re getting. Everyday, I see her at the window with a sad look on her face. If it gets any worse I might have to let her back inside.

One afternoon, A Viking called Rudolph was looking out his window when he suddenly said , “ It’s going to rain in seven minutes.” His wife asked, “How do you know?” His response:” Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

I just asked Siri "Surely it's not going to rain today?". Siri replied "It is, and don't call me Shirley." I forgot to take my phone off airplane mode

Why don't Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore? April showers bring Mayflowers.

why is rain the best kind of music? because it has amazing drops.

My water stopped working for a bit today. My wife immediately said, "I'm going outside to dig a hole to catch the rain water!"
After the wife is gone I said to the rest of the family, "she means well"

I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain but it hurt like hail.

When does it rain money? When there's change in the weather.

Two blondes are trying to unlock their car with a coat hanger. One says, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top's down!"

What do you call Tatooine rain on a hot day? Lukewarm Skywater

I told my African friends a joke about rain They didn't get it

What reward does a light rain get? A precipitation trophy!

When i was 5 i thought the rain was god peeing How silly childish ideas can be...thinking god exists

What does your mom and a rain forest have in common? If you look deep enough in the bush, you might find a cockatoo.

What's a Jewish dilemma? Free bacon.

Let the downvotes rain down on me.

My half Native American friend Les tried to teach me to rain dance, but we could only ever muster a light mist... I guess I'm just going to have to make dew with Les.

I have a rain fetish. It really gets me wet.

Always leave the top down in a convertible, even in the rain Worst case scenario, you get to use the car pool lane.

"Dad, why did you name me Rain?" Dad: "Because rain was the first thing that fell on you"

Rain: "Oh, I never knew that. Is that why my sister is named Snow as well?"

Dad: "Yes, you are absolutely right"

*a baby cries in the corner*

Dad: Shut up Brick!

When does it rain money? When there is "change" in the weather

Why did the kid only water half the lawn? Because there was a 50% chance of rain

what do you call a bear that's been in the rain too long a drizzly bear

Don't ask me! A tourist visiting Seattle is sick of rain and asks a boy - Does it ever stop raining here?
Boy - How do I know? I am only eight.

I've just been scammed by a Nigerian Prince His version of Purple Rain was abysmal.

(works best when looks like it's gonna rain) "I hope the rain keeps up..." ...so it don't come down!"

my great grandfather used to say that all the time. Not sure if anyone here would care but its almost funny

Have you ever got hit by frozen rain before? It hurts like hail.

Why do Italians throw pizza onto the field after they win a match? Because they rain supreme.

I love summer in Ireland The rain gets warmer.

What do you call two straight days of rain in Seattle? The weekend!

I love the look on people's faces, standing soaked in the rain at the bus stop as I drive past. It's partly why I became a bus driver.

What do you call a rain of strategy games? A Tropico storm

*My iPhone on Airplane mode* Me: Siri, surely it must rain today

Siri: It won't and don't call me Shirley

When I'm on a golf course and it starts to rain and lightning, I hold up my one-iron Because even God can't hit a one-iron

What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.

*Hits blunt* Isn’t hail just rain in Braille?

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New Rain Jokes

On a rainy day every one was enjoying the rain but only PETA wasn't Because it was pouring cats & dogs

Why does Alfred the Impolite Communist always stay inside when it rains? Because Rude Alf the Red knows rain dear.

Why don't Native Americans do rain dances in April? Because April showers bring May flowers and May flowers bring white men.

How do you wash a waterproof rain jacket? Dry clean it

WHAT DID SANTA SAY WHEN HE SAW HIS WET ROOF It looks like rain dear

Rain doesn't fall... ... raindrops!

Why did primitive cultures have rain dance ceremonies? They always increased the chants of rain.

Why is rain water so tech savvy? It keeps getting sent up to the cloud.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Leave it out in the rain until it’s Bill Withers

Did you hear about the guy who was shocked to death while standing at the mic when it started to rain at the classical music concert? He was the conductor

Hail Storms Long may they rain

What should you ask the guy who started acting stupid, got kicked out of the club, and is now stood in the rain outside with no mates? You k?

I tried to call my Republican Senators today... I ended up with rain check because they all sold out

What does a wealthy cloud do? Make it rain

I just got caught in a huge rain storm coming back from McDonalds Luckily I had a big mac

Does all this rain make you want an ark? I Noah guy.

Me and the rain are waiting... I'm waiting for rain to come so that I can wash my car. On the other hand the rain is waiting for me to wash my car.

I met a person who said they would set the world on fire... ​

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I don't think the Amazon Rain Forest was a good place to start

Kevin, having locked his keys in the car, calls a locksmith. Kevin says to the locksmith, "Can you make it quick? It's about to rain and I left my windows open."

The phrase “raining cats and dogs” has been taken out of common usage in California The phrase was deemed to be offensive, giving a platform to those who throw animals out of windows.

It was also noted. There is no rain in California.

Do you think the expression "take a rain check" is especially apt among people who participate in golden showers? "I can't pee on you today, let's take a rain check."

I got rain on my leather jacket Now I have to tell everyone that the horse was a pinto

Props to the rain It gets all the girls wet

Having spent 3 weeks in the rain forest with no access to technology... Upon her return, Jenny didn't know she'd been Borneo

What did the little girls ribbon become in the rain A rainbow

Why do people run from the rain while they go willingly under the shower? Consent

I forgot it there was a tropical dress code, today at work. I showed up in a heavy raincoat. My boss (who was angry with me): What the heck Johnson! Didn't you get my email on the dress code?

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Me: I take it you've never been to a tropical rain forest.

What country gets the exact same rain that falls on England? Uk-raine

Where does rain go to get a ride. The precipistation.

Why is a spring rain like your ex-boyfriend?? Why is a spring rain like your ex-boyfriend??



It doesn’t last long and barely gets you wet!

Why do people run from the rain but dance in the shower? Consent

Did you hear about the storm of the century in Columbus? Neither did I because, It was just rain and the lightning never showed up.

How could a man go outside in the pouring rain without protection, and not have a hair on his head get wet? he was bald

Why are the people who flew from Spain always dry, even if it was raining there? Because the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plane.

God said let it rain for forty days and forty nights and Noah said... That’ll be good for the plants.

The other day my friend said that, "its harsh to have Uber drivers drive in heavy rain for you"... I said, "He's doing it on his own Accord."

I was on my way to work when I saw a dwarf standing at a bus stop in the rain “Do you wanna hop in mate?” I asked.

“Piss off” he replied.

“Suit yourself” I said, as I zipped up my backpack.

I hate flying air Iberia After all.. the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plane.

My notebook got wet in the rain and I lost most of my school assignments. On a side note, I still managed to save a few of them.

My notebook got wet in the rain and I lost most of my school assignments. On a separate note, I still managed to save a few of them.

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Long Rain Jokes

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

How the Germans bailed out Greece

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.

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Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

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On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

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The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

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The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

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The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

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The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.

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The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him 'services' on credit.

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The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.

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The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

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At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

​

No one produced anything.

No one earned anything.

However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.

Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.

"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"

Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.

The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.

"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"

God Loves Drunks Too

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.

Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.

"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"

Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.

The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.

"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"

A man lives on the 15th floor of an apartment.

One rainy Saturday afternoon he walks out onto his balcony and sticks his hand out over the edge to see if it's raining or not, and a glass eye falls into his hand. He looks up, and there is a gorgeous woman standing on the balcony above him, who apologises and says she was just leaning out to check the rain and her glass eye fell out. She asks him to bring it up the stairs to her, which he does immediately. To say thanks, she kisses him on the mouth. Mildly surprised, he asks, "Do you do that to every guy you meet?"

And she replies, "Only the ones that catch my eye."

A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet person laying there.

"Hey, buddy!" The guy sat up and looked as wet and cold as he was drunk. "Hey fella, get outta the rain and on the bus."

"I can't", mumbled the drunk, "I don't haff any money."

"Nevermind that, get on the bus", said the driver kindly. So the drunk staggers up the steps and plonks down in the seat across from the driver. He looked so bedraggled and sad that the driver wanted to make him feel at least a little bit happier.

So he says to the drunk, "Hey, buddy, hey watch this!"

He stops the bus and a sour-looking older woman gets on, shaking her umbrella. She deposits her fare, and as she goes past the driver, he says, "Tickle your c#nt with a feather?"

The woman wheels around, "What did you say?!!"

The driver answers, "Typical country weather....Don't you agree?"

The woman is red-faced and embarrassed at what she thought she heard and mumbles yes, she agrees and sits herself well down the back.

The drunk is smiling a bit, so the driver knows its having a positive effect. "Watch this one", he says.

Sure enough, at the next stop another woman gets on. She looks like she's never cracked a smile in her life. As she drops in her fare and starts to move past the driver, he mumbles, "Tickle your snatch with a feather?"

The woman gasps and says,"I beg your pardon?!!"

To which the driver answers, "I said typical nasty weather."

The woman is completely shaken and apologises and agrees, yes the weather is atrocious. Then hurries to her seat.

Now the drunk is chuckling quite freely.

The driver leans over and says to the drunk, "Why don't you do the next one?"

The drunk shakes his head, "No, I'm too dr-dr-drunk." "Nah", says the driver, "you do this one."

So as the bus stops, the drunk pulls himself up straight in the seat, smooths his clothes out and stares straight ahead. His face is a study in concentration. As the lady pays her fare and begins to pass by the drunk, he says in a clear, strong voice, "SCRATCH YER C#NT WITH A STICK?"

The woman, absolutely shocked, turns to the drunk and says, "WHAT did you say to me?!!"

"F#ckin' cold, eh?!"

Two men contracted to paint a small community church.

Being very frugal(cheap), they pinched and scraped to spend the absolute minimum on materials. Then, when they were only partway through the job, they determined that they did not, after all, have enough paint to complete the job. Not wishing to spend any more money if they didn't absolutely have to, they decided they would just dilute the water-based paint they were using so that it would last longer. They did this a couple more times before they finished, which caused striping on the church as the paint got lighter eachtime it was thinned. The painters had just about gotten to the top of thesteeple, when, all of a sudden, the sky darkened, and the rain started to pour down.

As the paint streamed down the sides of the church, a voice boomed from the heavens: "Repaint, you thinners! Repaint, and thin no more!"

3 dinosaurs walk up to a shiny lamp

One of them rubs it, and a mystical blue genie flies out of it!

"Hello! I am genie! Since there are 3 of you, you each get 1 wish!

"I wish for a large piece of meat!" The first dinosaur said.

And so a large slab of meat materialized before his eyes and plopped down in front of him!

"I wish for a meat shower!" The second dinosaur said.

And so the genie made all different sorts of meats from different animals rain from a small cloud above the dinosaur's head.

Not wanting to be outdone by his friends the third dinosaur quickly tries to think of something better.

"I wish for a meatier shower!"

There was a lady with 3 sons, named Rain, Snow and Brick

Rain asked his mom, “Why is my name ‘Rain’?”
“Because a raindrop fell on your head when you were born.”
Then Snow asked his mom, “Why is my name ‘Snow’?”
“Because a snowflake fell on your head when you were born.”
Then Brick asked his mom, “NYANYANYANYA”

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

Pushy Drunk

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger stands in the pouring down rain.

"Can you give me a push?" he asks while hanging onto the door frame.

"Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's 3 o'clock in the morning!". He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just some drunk wanting a push" he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and raining like crazy out."

"Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two strangers helped us? I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" the drunk replies.

Today, I got up early...

...put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made coffee, grabbed my clubs, slipped quietly into the garage, loaded my clubs into the car, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

She sleepily replied, 'I know, can you believe my husband is out golfing in that stuff?'

A man is in bed with his wife when...

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

Help! I need a push!

A man and his wife were awoken at 3am by a pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 in the
morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you!" asks the husband

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

High noon

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others look up with a scowl that would curdle milk, but one looks at the clock and shakes his head. He points out the time to the others and they gather up their chips and go. "Play alone, we're a-leavin'. Wild Bill's comin' to town."

The writer is confused, but smells a story brewing; a strong one at that. He hoofs it up to the bar, passing most other patrons on their way out, and slaps a whole dollar bill on the table, "Barkeep, give me a beer and a story, and you can keep the change."

After taking a quick glance at the clock, the bartender shakes his head, pours the beer, and pushes the bill back to the reporter. "The drink is on the house, but I suggest you drink it quick and leave. Wild Bill is coming to town." Without another word the 'tender puts his last glass away and walks right out the swinging doors, leaving the reporter in an empty bar.

Now fear in his gut tears at him as he hears the emptiness in that bar. This emptiness seems to seep in as he realizes that he's about to be the last man in this town, alone with only the sound of that ticking clock to keep him company. Still, a story of this caliber must be worth something; so he waits...

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, Bong<CRACK!>- Just as the clock strikes the first chime of twelve, a sound like thunder splitting a mountain is heard outside. The reporter runs to the doors to see what it is. In the distance and closing fast is a tornado coming right for the bar. The reporter hits the ground and watches as the tornado comes up to the bar and stops.

The wind settles and there is a giant of a man riding a grizzly bear. He steps off the bear, and instead of hitching it, he punches the great beast right in the face <WHAM!>, knocking it cold on the ground.

The reporter is so scared he runs back into the bar and dives behind the counter, sure that this is the last of his days. <KaPLOW!> the giant kicks in the saloon doors, and they turn to splinters that imbed themselves into the walls and break bottles and glasses that they touch.

The man walks up to the bar, breaking every floor board with each thundering step. He looks down at the reporter and slams his fist on the bar, cracking it down the middle, "GIMME A DRINK!"

The reporter comes up, shakily holding out two bottles of whisky; which the giant snatches up, chews the glass tops off of, and drinks down as fast as the amber liquid can spill from the bottles. He throws both bottles in the air, whips out his six-shooter and fires off a round. The single bullet rips through both bottles showering the reporter with shards that rain down.

Regretting his curiosity and repenting of his life, the reporter stands on weakened legs and whimpers out, "W-w-w-would y-you like a-another drink?"

The man turns to him, fire in his eyes, then glances at the clock... "Nah, I gotta go. Wild Bill's comin' to town."

The Stoned Koala and Lizard

A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past, looks up and says:

"Hey Koala!
What are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint."
"Come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up, sits next to the koala
and they enjoy a large doobie.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is dry
and he is going to get a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this, swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side then asks the little lizard:

"What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with the koala, got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to see this.

So they walk into the rain forest and find the tree where the koala is sitting, with yet another joint.

He looks up and says, "Hey you!"


The koala looks down at him and says...

"Fu-u-u-u-c-c-k, Dude.......
How much water did you drink?

Once upon a time...

A horse lived on a farm with a pig, a sheep, and a cow. Now these were no ordinary barnyard animals - for they were bestowed the miracle of Disney animal anthropomorphism - subsequently, the farmer was very happy to have these animals in his posession and the people who came afar to see them made him a very wealthy man.

One day, the farmer's child leaves his guitar outside as his mother calls him for dinner. Curiously, the gang of animals approaches the instrument. The pig picks it up and strums tentatively trying to mimic what he saw the boy doing. He finds that he is a natural and when the farmer hears - he instantly sees the business potential.

So the very next day, the farmer buys a drum-set, bass and another guitar and hands one to each of the animals. The horse himself took a liking to guitar whilst the sheep took the drums, leaving the cow on bass guitar. By sheer narrative convenience, all the animals showed prodigious skill at their respective instruments and became proficient players very quickly. The horse, with his gravelly melancholic voice assumed the role of vocalist.

Their first gig was a roaring success and set them on the road for superstardom. It turned out that the saturated music market had a niche for a band of rock playing animals. Within weeks, they had released their first album and planned on doing a world tour. Tickets at every destination sell out almost instantly.

The first half of their tour was uneventful, however, the horse - not used to the pressures of being a celebrity- began to use alcohol as escapism. He told himself he was in control but the other bandmembers noticed his problem and grew increasingly worried for the horse.

One fateful night, the tourbus loses control on the tarmac and slips off the road into a sharp valley - everybody is killed but the horse. He stumbles out of the wreckage and begins searching for his friends and every corpse he stumbles across breaks him even more.

The funeral was a dull affair and despite their stardom, few people turned up. The horse wept bitterly for his friends who he thought deserved a better farewell. Turning and leaving the procession, he wanders aimlessly into the city.

Day quickly turns into night and a storm approaches. The horse hears the thunder in the distance, but he keeps walking like a man without cause. As the first drop begin to fall, the horse spies the neon lights of a bar which promise a warm refuge away from the rain and more importantly, his grief.

So, the horse walks into the bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

Can you give me a push?

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing.

A man and his wife...

Are walking through the park when some grey clouds roll in. As the clouds open and water falls, the wife says, "Well isn't this a nice mist dear?" "Actually honey, it's rain," replies the husband. So they argue whether it's rain or mist for a little before the husband says, "You know what, how about we ask my communist friend Dolph? He is a little mean but he knows his rain."

So they go together to Dolph's house and the his and asks him, "Dolph, is this rain or mist?" "Why it's obviously rain you idiot, now go away!" Dolph exclaims

So as they're walking home, the husband says, "See, I told you rude dolph the red knows rain dear."

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