Friday Jokes

Contents

Funniest Friday Jokes

Funny Friday Jokes

I thought Friday was a sad day... Turns out the next day was a sadder day.

Twerk 1. To dance using predominantly your bum, usually sexually.

2. Where people in Yorkshire go Monday to Friday

Never understood the point of black friday Could have sworn we already gave them a whole month

My bank was worried My bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn't been used at the liquor store since last friday

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday morning Tell her a joke on Friday :)

I took my Biology exam last Friday I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

I had to cancel my dsylexics meeting tonight I never go out on Friday the 13th

We're having a Jamaican themed hair day at work this Friday I'm dreading it already

I always give 100% at work 14% on Monday

30% on Tuesday

30% on Wednesday

24% on Thursday

2% on Friday

Asiana Airlines will be filing a lawsuit against KTVU for its inappropriate and racist names that were falsely broadcasted mid day Friday 7/12... ....said Asiana's attorney Wi Su Yu

Terrible news. The guy who created AMC cinema's has died. His funeral is next Friday at 2:30, 5:20 and 7:45.

Why do cops love going to Black Friday early? So they can beat the crowd

Do you guys want to hear about my Friday night? I had quite an experience at home by myself. At one point I even picked my coat up from the floor. It was off the hook.

The worst thing about Friday the 13th Is monday the 16th

Why do the riot police like to go to Black Friday early? So they can beat the crowd

A man asks his wife on a Friday evening... Husband: Shall we have a nice weekend?

Wife: Sure, why not?

Husband: Ok then, see you on Monday!

I went out drinking last Friday and took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.

Nothing ruins a Friday more... ...than realizing that today is Tuesday.

Trying to think of a hilarious Good Friday joke... I really want to nail this.

What is a caveman's favourite thing to do on a Friday night? Go clubbing.

Dyslexics Beware! (OC) Tomorrow is Friday the 31st!

Handed in an assignment late today, looks like my teacher is giving black Friday deals too. 50% off

Black Friday Matters!! No, all Fridays matter.

Fidel Castro just passed away... ...I suppose Black Friday was too MUCH capitalism for him.

Why are Saturday and Sunday the strongest days of the week? Because Monday through Friday are weekdays.

I don't worry about Friday the 13th. It's bad luck to be superstitious.

Twerk 1: A dance using predominantly your bum, usually sexually

2: A place Newfoundlanders go, usually 9-5, Monday - Friday

Friday was a sad day. The next day was a sadder day.

TIL - as of 2019, Halloween has not fallen on Friday the 13th for the last 666 years This is probably because Halloween is October 31st

On Friday I’m hosting a support group for men who can’t ejaculate. Let me know if you can’t come!

Fidel Castro Dies on Black Friday Adam Smith: 1
Karl Marx: 0

Black Friday is a scam You should be mad they overcharge you 364 days a year

What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonald's on Friday night in Iowa? Prom

What did Melania Trump have on her Black Friday shopping list? A copy of everything Michelle Obama had on her list

Craving for nuts Last Friday I had a craving for nuts, so I spent the whole day with my wife and her mother.

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I don't care.


Happy Friday all. Pretty sure it's time for a beer.

Just as there is a balance of good and evil.... There's a Friday for every Monday.
Have a great week :)

Last year I got so hammered on Good Friday I woke up in a cave three days later

Happy Friday the Thirteenth I think it's bad luck to be superstitious

New Friday Jokes

A reminder that it’s International Diarrhoea Week Runs until Friday

Today is Boxing Day in the UK, Canada, New Zealand, and Australia. Do you know when Boxing Day is celebrated in the United States? Black Friday

Humanity is at a point where it no longer cares if it lives or dies. Just as long as it gets that Black Friday TV.

What happens when a mall loses power? Free Black Friday

whats big, hairy, sticky .....and bloody on a Friday night a handjob by Freddy Krueger

What do a store on Black Friday and a cocaine addict have in common? They both have long lines

There's a Friday the 13th this December A nightmare before Christmas some may say

Alleged record holder has managed to stay underwater holding his breath for 27 minutes His funeral is on friday

In an effort to avoid trouble on Friday the 13th, I stayed at home. And ended up breaking a mirror.

What are you doing on Friday night? I go out for a beer.
\-And then?
It's Monday.

I thought last Friday was a sad day. Turns out that today is a sadder day.

What do you say when someone does something really random? Wednesday, Thursday, Friday

True story Last Friday I met at party one girl and it seemed she likes me. First time somebody likes me. We go out for fresh air and she asked me If I want to buy insurence...... FML, Im Virgin forevet

What did the fibula and tibia do Friday night? They went to a shindig

What do you call a Friday in France? French fry day

Monday - Greg, Tuesday - r/Jokes, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - r/Jokes, Friday - Greg, Saturday - r/Jokes, Sunday - Greg the Gregorreposts calendar

In the spirit of Easter I’ve come up with the perfect idea for a date Go for our last supper of the week on Thursday, nail each other all day Friday so that we can’t walk on Saturday until we rise again on Sunday

Always give 100% at work 12% on Monday

23% on Tuesday

40% on Wednesday

20% on Thursday

5% on Friday

It's Friday night, so my wife and I drank wine and talked politics. Just Kidding.

​

We had a 20 minute argument over brands of toilet paper.

I’ll give 1M to whoever guess right A man rides into town on Friday and leaves 3 days later on Friday. How can that be?

Can February March?? No, but April May.

(Happy Friday everyone)

What do you get when you cross a professional basketball player with a geographer? The horses name was friday

I think it’s only fair the week after Black Friday be called White Friday And then with the remaining Fridays before the next Black Friday, you can have fifty shades of grey.

You know the difference between a woman attending Sunday morning mass and a woman taking a Friday night bath? One has hope in her soul; the other has soap in her hole.

It’s Friday the Thirteenth But I think it is bad luck to be superstitious.

Every Friday night I go out dressed in a nun's clothes. What can I say? It's a habit.

Two middle aged women are in Boston's fish market on Friday. "I come here every Friday to get scrod!"

"I do too, but I didn't know it has a past tense."

There’s a new battle royale game soon When is Black Friday again?

What comes after Black Friday Black Sabbath

What's the worst part about friday afternoons? Realizing it's only wednesday.

Friday was 4/20 But Sunday was 4/22.

Guys I didnt miss the marijuana smokeouts last Friday Because today's 4/20 two

It's Friday 13th... Thank my lucky stars that I'm not superstitious

Did you hear about the guy who put on a clean pair of socks every day of the week? By Friday he could hardly get his shoes on.

Why do I only lift at the weekend? Because Monday to Friday are weak days

I haven't touched alcohol since last Friday I drink out of a tube since the accident

I heard there is a big online sale running in the US Every state has his net sold out.. And I thought black Friday is the biggest shopping event.

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are driving in a car. The brunette mentions that Christmas falls on a friday this year. The blonde says "I hope it's not Friday the 13th!"

On black Friday I found a great deal and bought 4 Kindles online. Today they delivered a Two Ronnies DVD.

Damn Amazon and their Black Friday deals I ordered 4 Kindles and they sent me a 2 Ronnies DVD instead!

Long Friday Jokes

A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the guy and the ostrich come again and the guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks, "The usual?"

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad", says the guy.

"Me too," says the ostrich.

The waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $42.62."

Once again the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the guy, "several years ago I was cleaning my attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the guy.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The guy sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

A guy walks into a bar with an Ostrich

A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $18.95 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries, and a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again.

“The usual?” asks the waitress. “No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and a shot of Tequila,” says the man. “Same,” says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $20.” Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

Awesome says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks, “But, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

Bob left work Jokes ;)

Bob left work one Friday evening.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery...

The head of the group walks in and says, "I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

Edit: Wow, thanks guys. This made me win a bet with my friend to see who could get frontpaged first :D

Edit #2: I just won $1, lol.

Edit #3: We made the bet On Friday the 14th, and this is my first post since the bet had begun.

A farmer had three daughters...

and each was going on a date one Friday night.

The first daughters date showed up "Hi I'm Freddy here to pick up Betty to eat spaghetti, is she ready?"

Betty left with Freddy.

The second daughters date showed up "Hey I'm Joe here to pick up Flo to go to the show, is she ready to go?"

Flo left with Joe.

The third daughters date showed up "Hello I'm Chuck-"

The farmer shot chuck.

An old joke told in the Soviet Union...

Every other Friday a factory guard saw a worker coming out of the factory pushing a wheelbarrow packed with hay.

The guard searched inside the hay, found nothing and let the guy go. This ritual repeated over several years until a time when the guard was about to retire.

When the guy pushing the wheelbarrow appeared at the gate he told him: “I know you are stealing something. I am just about to retire and this is my last day here. I will not tell anybody, but, please, let me know what are you stealing.” The guy smiled and answered, “Oh, I am stealing the wheelbarrows.”

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Dave accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Frank's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Dave upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Dave went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Frank's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Dave admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500. 'After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Dave confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Frank worked Friday afternoons and Dave didn't, Dave should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Dave showed up at Frank's house at 2 p.m. sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Dave quickly dressed and left. As usual, Frank came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Dave come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'

Frank, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

The trophy girlfriend

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought out another ring.

“Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000″ the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man, seeing this, said, “We’ll take it.”

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man said, “By check, but I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.” he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.”

“I know,” said the old man, “But let me tell you about my weekend!!”

Ladies night out...

So, two ladies ditch their husbands for a ladies night out on a Friday night and they go do whatever middle-aged women think is cool to do on a Friday night. One thing leads to another and these two ladies have drunk a little bit too much and decide to head home and sleep it off. So they're driving home and on the way they realize they have to pee... bad. They try to hold it, but when you gotta go you... (you get it). Finally, they just can't take it anymore and they pull over to the side of the road near a cemetery and decide to drop their underwear and just go.
One lady simply take off her underwear and wipe with those, but the other remembers that hers are a gift from her husband. However, she spotted a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they went home.
That weekends their husbands were at the pub chatting and one says, "These ladies nights out are getting out of hand they really need to stop, last night my wife cam home with out any panties on."
The other man finishes his beer and says, "You think that's bad... My wife came home with a card in her buttcrack that said 'On behalf of the whole fire department, we'll never forget you."

A man goes into a restaurant with an ostrich

They sit down and order:

'I'd like a hamburger, fries and a Coke,' says the man, then turns towards the ostrich. 'And you?'

'The same', says the ostrich.

A few minutes later, the waitress brings the food and the bill.

'$6.40,' she says.

The man takes out the exact amount from his pocket without even counting the money and hands it to the waitress.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, ask for the same food and the man pays with the exact amount. And the same routine takes place for the next couple of days. On a Friday night, the man and the ostrich turn up again.

'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, today's Friday, I'd like a steak and some crushed potatoes,' says the man, then he turns towards the ostrich. 'And you?'

'The same,' replies the bird.

After a few minutes, the waitress comes back with the order and the bill.

'$32.50'

The man, yet again, takes out the exact amount of money without counting it. The waitress can't help herself at this point and asks:

'Excuse me sir, but please tell me... how come you always have the exact amount?'

'Years ago, I cleaned up my attic and found an old lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared. He promised me two wishes. My first wish was to have the exact amount of money in my pockets whenever I had to pay for something.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Others would've asked for a million dollars, but you'll stay rich till the end of your life.'

'Indeed,' nods the man. 'It doesn't matter whether I want to buy a bottle of beer or a Rolls Royce, the money will always be there when I need it.'

'Can I also ask why this ostrich is always with you?'

'Well, my second wish was to get a very tall chick with nice strong legs who agrees with everything I say...'

An old man enters a jewelry store with a much younger woman

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,

"By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "Sir... there's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man... "But let me tell you about my weekend."

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. It's brilliant!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

Late Lent/Easter Joke

Eino, a Finn from Cook County in northern Minnesota, was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Eino’s neighbors were Catholic…..and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Eino, and suggested that Eino convert to Catholicism.
After several classes and much study, Eino attended Mass…..and as the priest sprinkled holy water over Eino, he said, “You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are Catholic.”

Eino’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Eino’s yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Eino, he stopped in amazement and watched……

There stood Eino, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanting: “You were born a deer, and raised a deer, but now you are a trout.

The genie and the russian

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking vodka."



Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a test and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted.



The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly." She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.



The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.



Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka. She gets the glass but asks him "Boris, why do we only need one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."

Luigi and his Armani Shoes

Luigi walks to work every day. Each way he passes a shoe store. Each time he can't help himself but to stop, look in the window and admire a particular pair of Armani shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves every last penny to get the $300 he needs to buy the shoes.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.

Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, are you wearing red panties tonight?"

Startled, Sophia replies, "Yes, Luigi , I am wearing red panties tonight, but how do you know?"

Luigi answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes." With a smile he moves on.

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, "Rosa , are you wearing white panties tonight?"

Rosa answers, "Yes, Luigi, I do, but how do you know that?"

He replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes." With a coy laugh he moves on.

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played Luigi asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red...

He states, 'Carmela, my sweetheart, Please, please tell me you are wearing no panties tonight. Please, please, tell me this true!"

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Luigi , I am not wearing panties tonight..."

Luigi gasps, "Thank God ...I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Armani leather shoes!"

Jack and Joe are in prison...

Jack and Joe are in prison, in separate cells, some distance away from each other. Sad little jail cells really, with only a solitary, tiny window to peek into the outside. So they pass the time as best they can by telling each other jokes.

One day, Jack asks , "Got any new jokes, Joe?"

"Sorry" Joe says. "I told you every joke I know months ago. You got anymore new jokes?"

Jack thinks for a moment and says, "Well... I do have one more joke. But it's one of those jokes you gotta write down. It's not funny when you say it out loud. Gotta draw a picture and stuff."

Joe suggests, "Why don't write it on a piece of paper, and throw it over here?"

Jack agrees, and spends all week collecting the perfect materials, rewriting the perfect joke, drawing the perfect accommodating picture, and shaping that joke into a perfectly aerodynamic and balanced paper plane.

On Friday evening, when the lights go out, and the guards are changing shifts, Jack tells Joe, "Ok! Here comes the joke!"

He tosses the paper plane, it sails across the prison hallway, slips between the prison cell bars, and glides directly towards Joe's awaiting hands.

Just as Joe is about to grab the paper plane, it gets caught in an updraft. It bounces again the ceiling once, and then glides out the tiny cell window.

"Did you get the joke?" Jack asks.

"No, sorry!" Joe responds. "It went right over my head."

Paybacktime

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.

"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye

Back in Soviet Russia...

...there was a man working at a Siberian coal mine. Every Friday he would take a wheelbarrow full of dirt home. Every time he did this the security guard would stop him, make him dump out the dirt and sift through it searching for coal or other stolen valuables. The security guard always found nothing so he would reluctantly let the man reload the dirt and go home.

This goes on for 25 years until the man finally retired. On his last day the the bewildered security guard pleaded with him "I know you've been smuggling something out of here all of these years. Please just tell me what it was?" The man replied with a sly wink "Wheelbarrows".

Weekend

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
“Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000″ the jeweler said. The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, “By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good,
so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.”
“I know,” said the old man, “But let me tell you about my weekend!”

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three shots...

Seamus walks into a bar and asks the bartender for three shots of Bushmills and three pints of Guinness.

"Rough day, friend?" the bartender asks as he pours the drinks.

"Nah - it's for me brothers. The three of us used to drink together back home in Dublin when we were younger. Now Mick's in London, Paddy's in Australia, and I'm here in New York. We hardly ever see each other these days, but when we left home, we swore we'd drink like this in honor of the times we was together."

Seamus returns every Friday night, always ordering the same thing. The lone Irishman with three shots and three pints becomes a familiar sight to the other patrons.

Then, one Friday night, Seamus comes in looking downcast. He walks up to the bartender and orders two shots and two pints. A stunned silence falls over the regular patrons.

"Oh, Seamus. I'm so sorry for your loss," says the bartender. "Which brother did you lose? Mick or Paddy?"

"Oh, no! Me brothers are fine!" says Seamus. "It's just that me wife's made me quit drinking!"