If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it... ...then my illegal logging business is a success.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree
When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”
I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’ So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’
Two Police officers.
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says:
“Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site.”
If a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested you or you're level 99 friend-zoned. Or she hasn't spotted you behind the tree yet.
Whenever I see two lovers names carved into a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I think it's shocking how many people bring a knife on a date.
Edgar Allen Poe is about to walk into a tree and you only have enough time to say one word before he hits it. What should you say to him? Poetry!
My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up. Guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore.
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One of them sees a tree in the distance that's draped in bacon. "It's a bacon tree! We're saved!" he says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets. It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
A lumberjack went to a magic forest to cut a Tree..
Upon arrival to the tree he started swinging at the tree.
"But, I'm a talking tree" said the tree.
"And you will dialogue" replied the lumberjack.
What's an acorn ? In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.
A Christmas Joke (...maybe a LITTLE early)
The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"
The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"
A lumberjack went into a magical forest to cut down a tree.
Just as he began to swing his axe at a tree, the tree called out, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"
The lumberjack grinned, "And you will dialogue!"
If a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she either really likes you, or you've been completely friendzoned Or she hasn't seen you in the tree with your binoculars yet.
I can cut a dead tree in half just by looking at it I saw it with my own eyes
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? "Hold onto your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow job."
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. (Credit to my uncle)
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it My illegal logging business is a success
When I see.... ...lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
When I see lovers' nαmes cαrved in α tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.
What do you call a fish stuck in a tree?
A fish stick!
My 4 year olds first joke.
I have a pet tree... It's like having a pet dog but the bark is much quieter.
Why did the polynomial tree fall over? It didn't have any real roots
What exactly is an acorn? Well, in a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.
Apparently Trump's family tree looks like a cactus Everybody on it is a prick
What's my dog's favourite part of the tree?
What's my bank's favourite part of the tree?
What's my elephant's favourite part of the tree?
What's my father's favourite part of the tree?
The leaves :(
Why do you never see an elephant hiding on top of a tree? Because they're good at it.
Getting my kite stuck in a tree isn't my favorite thing... But it's up there.
What is big green and fuzzy and kills you when it falls out of a tree? A pool table
What does a lumberjack and a trio of Irishmen have in common? They're both tree fellers.
What kind of tree would Hanna Montana be?
A 'Miley Cyprus'.
Dear god, shoot me.
When I told my mother I wanted to put the Christmas tree up myself... she suggested that I should put it up in the living room instead.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet at all. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
I saw a crow on a tree outside my house today...
Another two landed briefly but then flew away again.
It was an attempted murder.
A lumberjack went to a magic forest to cut a tree.
Upon arrival at the tree he started to swing at the tree.
“But, I’m a talking tree,” said the tree.
“And you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I recently bought a Christmas tree at a shop...
The man at the cashier said to me "Are you going to put that up yourself?"
I replied to him in disgust saying "No, that is disgusting! I'm going to put it up in my living room."
So I was hanging out with this tree... It was shady, so I left.
A Leaf and an Emo Person Both Fall From a Tree.
What lands first?
The leaf, a rope stopped the emo.
how to you get a one armed blonde out of a tree? you wave at her.
What happened to the dog that ate a Christmas tree? He farted a cracker.
Thanks to the idiots who set off fireworks last night. It's only October! You scared my dogs so much that they knocked over my Christmas tree!
What is orange and impeached? A peach tree in fall.
The search continues for the oldest tree in the world.
Experts are stumped.
*takes donut and leaves the room*
Hey Baby, are you a Minecraft Tree? Because I wanna beat you to death with my fist.
I went to shop to buy a Christmas tree.
The man in the shop asked if I'll put it up myself.
I said that I'll actually put it in the living room.
How do you get a one armed Australian out of a tree? Wave at him.
I put an old Christmas tree in the fire the other night It ended up looking like a menorah while burning
What does every teen tree want to be? Poplar
Whatvwas the first thing elvis did when he got on his minecraft world He punched a tree-ee
Where does a tree go to get an abortion? Plant Parenthood
What do you call a family tree of nothing but women? A family bush
How does a frog get its leaves from a tree? They rippit
The other day I had trouble taking a leaf off a tree I just couldn’t beleaf it
Q: Why don't you ever see a hippopotamus hiding in a tree? A: Because they're really good at it!
What's black and dangerous and sits in a tree? A crow with a machine gun
What does a French lumberjack yell just before the tree falls? Tomber!
Why did the elephant paint its toenails red? So it can hide in a cherry tree. Have you ever seen one in a cherry tree? They hide pretty good don't they.
While high on LSD a talking tree told me to overthrow the government.
I said “I cant”
“That would be treeson”
Why was the Christmas tree sent to the psych ward? Because it was suffering from ornamental health issues.
Why did the first monkey fall of the tree?
He was shot.
Why did the second monkey fall of the tree?
He was also shot.
Why did the third monkey fall of the tree?
What does the Daddy tree say to the kid tree? Don't be knotty
My 4 year old daughter looks out the window
She says "what is wrong with the tree"?
I look outside and say "nothing, it's pine".
Why did the elephant paint it's toe nails red? To hide in the cherry tree.
Why does France have so many tree-lined streets? Because Germans like to march in the shade.
Paddy and Mick are walking through the woods when they come across a sign that reads, "Tree fellers wanted." Paddy says, "Ah what a shame!" "If only Seamus was here with us, we all could have applied for that!"
A good friend is like a tree Hit them with an axe and they fall down.
How much wood would a Jamaican mathematician chuck if a Jamaican mathematician would chuck wood?
Log base tree often
(Jamaican accent: log base 3 of 10)
Getting my mother-in-law stuck on a tree wasn't my favorite thing... But it was up there.
A bowling ball and a black man fall out of a tree at the same time and altitude, what hits the ground first?
The bowling ball.
the black man stops at the neck.
Why does France have so many tree-lined streets? Because German soldiers prefer marching in the shade
A bird flew into my math classroom today. It must've wanted to learn geome-tree.
An MBA graduate lost his mind and used to go climb a tree at 9 am everyday and sit on a branch until 5pm. He thought of himself as a branch manager.
What does a bro use to cut down a tree? A suh, dude.
What did the cherry tree say to Abe Lincoln?
Don't axe me!
I read that on a bubble gum wrapper.
Why does Paris have so many beautiful tree lined boulevards? So the German army can march in the shade.
How do you break up with a tree Leaf me alone, I’m stick of u
Why did Donald Trump keep adding decorations to the Christmas Tree? Because people kept shouting "moron" at him.
when you think you are extra smart but you are not. Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"
What do you call a duck that falls out of a palm tree? A quackanut
A bat is flying in the dark of the night and suddenly smashes into a tree. Seconds later it gets up off the ground rubbing its head and mumbles: "Damned iPod, it will kill me one day"
You can't hit a crow with your vehicle. There is always another one in a tree saying " car, car, car ".
A palm tree asked another, "Why do you always look so empty?" He replied, "I just don't have very many fronds."
What do you call a dancing tree doing math?
Ba dum pshh
Thought of this joke a little late.... Your Christmas tree is pretty big, but Donald Trump has an even bigotry!
Sherlock was working on his garden, when Watson walked over and asked what he was planting.
"What are you planting?" said Watson.
"It's a lemon tree, my dear Watson."
What's worse than a puppy nailed to a tree? A puppy nailed to 7 trees.
An owl was sitting in a tree saying "How? How?" He was lysdexic.
I got a fitbit to get a sense for my activity level After a few days of wearing it, it asked if I was a tree
How did Tarzan get his cry? As he was about to swing to the next tree he said, "OK, Cheeta, hang on anywhere".
Why did the elephant paints it's toes red? So he could hide in the cherry tree.
What do you call an Armenian in a tree? Branch manager
What is green, has four legs and would kill you if it fell on to you from a tree in the jungle? A snooker table. (Courtesy of Leigh Hart on the Alternative Commentary Collective during the New Zealand v South Africa Cricket World Cup semi-final)
What's green, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table.
How do tree surgeons live? Life on the hedge!
some jokes I came up with when I was 10-13 years old
*what does Santa want for Christmas? Hoe Hoe Hoes
*what do hunters like to do? Shoot birds
*what did the tree say when the math teacher passed by? Gee-I'm-a-tree
Why did you cut me down, lumberjack?
Lumberjack: Oh, you really don't know why?
Tree: Sorry, I'm stumped.
It's black, and when it falls out of a tree your piano breaks. Your piano.
How do you get a one armed polish guy out of a tree?
What was he doing up in the tree in the first place?
What's white, big and could kill you if it fell out of a tree? A fridge.