If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it... ...then my illegal logging business is a success.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree
When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”
I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’ So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’
Two Police officers.
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says:
“Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site.”
If a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested you or you're level 99 friend-zoned. Or she hasn't spotted you behind the tree yet.
Whenever I see two lovers names carved into a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I think it's shocking how many people bring a knife on a date.
Edgar Allen Poe is about to walk into a tree and you only have enough time to say one word before he hits it. What should you say to him? Poetry!
My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up. Guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore.
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One of them sees a tree in the distance that's draped in bacon. "It's a bacon tree! We're saved!" he says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets. It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
A lumberjack went to a magic forest to cut a Tree..
Upon arrival to the tree he started swinging at the tree.
"But, I'm a talking tree" said the tree.
"And you will dialogue" replied the lumberjack.
What's an acorn ? In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.
A Christmas Joke (...maybe a LITTLE early)
The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"
The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"
A lumberjack went into a magical forest to cut down a tree.
Just as he began to swing his axe at a tree, the tree called out, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"
The lumberjack grinned, "And you will dialogue!"
If a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she either really likes you, or you've been completely friendzoned Or she hasn't seen you in the tree with your binoculars yet.
I can cut a dead tree in half just by looking at it I saw it with my own eyes
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? "Hold onto your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow job."
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. (Credit to my uncle)
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it My illegal logging business is a success
When I see.... ...lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
When I see lovers' nαmes cαrved in α tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.
What do you call a fish stuck in a tree?
A fish stick!
My 4 year olds first joke.
I have a pet tree... It's like having a pet dog but the bark is much quieter.
Why did the polynomial tree fall over? It didn't have any real roots
What exactly is an acorn? Well, in a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.
Apparently Trump's family tree looks like a cactus Everybody on it is a prick
What's my dog's favourite part of the tree?
What's my bank's favourite part of the tree?
What's my elephant's favourite part of the tree?
What's my father's favourite part of the tree?
The leaves :(
Why do you never see an elephant hiding on top of a tree? Because they're good at it.
Getting my kite stuck in a tree isn't my favorite thing... But it's up there.
What is big green and fuzzy and kills you when it falls out of a tree? A pool table
What's big, green, and fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you? A pool table.
I was buying a Christmas tree the guy said "are you going to put it up yourself" I said "no it's going in the living room"
My favorite tree died earlier. Now I have mourning wood.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet at all. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
I just bought a Christmas tree and my buddy asked, "Are you going to put that up yourself?" I replied, "No, I was thinking the living room."
How do you get an one-armed person down a tree Wave at them
A man goes to buy a Christmas Tree... ... After the salesman rings him up and helps him strap it to the car, he asks, "were you planning on putting this up yourself?" to which the man responds, "Actually, I was thinking of putting it in the living room."
A man buys a Christmas tree.
As he goes to pay for the tree, the attendant says, "Are you putting the tree up yourself?"
The man replies, "Quit being disgusting. I'm putting the tree in my living room."
A man was picking out a Christmas tree
A man was picking out a Christmas tree.
When he goes to pay for it, the cashier asks him, "Will you be putting this up yourself?"
The man replies, "Quit being disgusting! I'm putting it in my living room."
When I see lover's names on a tree, I don't think it's sweet… … I think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
My friend told me that I am really bad at noticing what people are trying to tell me, and that I am also really easily distracted She told me some other stuff but I wasn't really listening as there was a squirrel in a tree looking at me
They buried my uncle right under a coconut tree. How could they do that? Huge facepalm.
What did the first guy to think of tree farms say? Man I wish I had thought of this 20 years ago!
If you walk into the forest anx chop down a tree, but the tree doesn't understand why you cut it down, Do you think it's stumped?
In the wake of Australia’s forest fires, I decided to man-up and plant a fruit tree. It was time for me to grow a pear.
I planted a dogwood tree in my backyard garden the other day instead of a scarecrow Turns out it's all bark and no bite
2 cowboys are walking through the desert. One of them sees a tree covered in bacon and runs towards it. He is instantly shot. Because this was no bacon tree. This. Was a *ham bush.*
How can you tell the age of a fake Christmas tree? By the tape rings on the box!
What happened to the dog that ate a Christmas tree? He farted a cracker.
Thanks to the idiots who set off fireworks last night. It's only October! You scared my dogs so much that they knocked over my Christmas tree!
What is orange and impeached? A peach tree in fall.
The search continues for the oldest tree in the world.
Experts are stumped.
*takes donut and leaves the room*
What tree grows fingers? A Palm tree
What do you call something that's green, has six legs and lives in a tree? A misplaced pool table
What's the difference between a tree in Fiji and Chanel's lover?
One made coconut
The other made Coco nut
Hey Baby, are you a Minecraft Tree? Because I wanna beat you to death with my fist.
some douchebag told me to make like a tree and leaf so i took that at face value, and rotted into a pile of nothing
What do you call a tree living in Russia? Dimitree
I went to shop to buy a Christmas tree.
The man in the shop asked if I'll put it up myself.
I said that I'll actually put it in the living room.
How do you get a one armed Australian out of a tree? Wave at him.
I put an old Christmas tree in the fire the other night It ended up looking like a menorah while burning
What does every teen tree want to be? Poplar
Whatvwas the first thing elvis did when he got on his minecraft world He punched a tree-ee
Where does a tree go to get an abortion? Plant Parenthood
What do you call a family tree of nothing but women? A family bush
The other day I had trouble taking a leaf off a tree I just couldn’t beleaf it
Q: Why don't you ever see a hippopotamus hiding in a tree? A: Because they're really good at it!
What's black and dangerous and sits in a tree? A crow with a machine gun
Why did the elephant paint its toenails red? So it can hide in a cherry tree. Have you ever seen one in a cherry tree? They hide pretty good don't they.
While high on LSD a talking tree told me to overthrow the government.
I said “I cant”
“That would be treeson”
What's big and green, brown and fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree, it would certainly kill you? A pool table... (A billiards table)
Why was the Christmas tree sent to the psych ward? Because it was suffering from ornamental health issues.
Why did the first monkey fall of the tree?
He was shot.
Why did the second monkey fall of the tree?
He was also shot.
Why did the third monkey fall of the tree?
Whats worse that 7 babies tied to one tree? one baby tied to 7 trees
My 4 year old daughter looks out the window
She says "what is wrong with the tree"?
I look outside and say "nothing, it's pine".
Why did the elephant paint it's toe nails red? To hide in the cherry tree.
A good friend is like a tree Hit them with an axe and they fall down.
How much wood would a Jamaican mathematician chuck if a Jamaican mathematician would chuck wood?
Log base tree often
(Jamaican accent: log base 3 of 10)
What has 4 legs, is green, furry, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you? A pool table.
Getting my mother-in-law stuck on a tree wasn't my favorite thing... But it was up there.
A bowling ball and a black man fall out of a tree at the same time and altitude, what hits the ground first?
The bowling ball.
the black man stops at the neck.
A bird flew into my math classroom today. It must've wanted to learn geome-tree.
An MBA graduate lost his mind and used to go climb a tree at 9 am everyday and sit on a branch until 5pm. He thought of himself as a branch manager.
What did the cherry tree say to Abe Lincoln?
Don't axe me!
I read that on a bubble gum wrapper.
How do you break up with a tree Leaf me alone, I’m stick of u
Why did Donald Trump keep adding decorations to the Christmas Tree? Because people kept shouting "moron" at him.
when you think you are extra smart but you are not. Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"
A bat is flying in the dark of the night and suddenly smashes into a tree. Seconds later it gets up off the ground rubbing its head and mumbles: "Damned iPod, it will kill me one day"
A palm tree asked another, "Why do you always look so empty?" He replied, "I just don't have very many fronds."
What's worse than a puppy nailed to a tree? A puppy nailed to 7 trees.
An owl was sitting in a tree saying "How? How?" He was lysdexic.
A Black Man and a White Man fall out of a tree... Who hits the ground first?
The White Man, of course...
Because the Black man was stopped by the rope.
p.s. Mods, please remove if inappropriate or whatever.
Why did the elephant paints it's toes red? So he could hide in the cherry tree.
When is a tree it's loudest? When it begins to bark.
What do you call an Armenian in a tree? Branch manager
Funny comeback from a student
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s
cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his
father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
some jokes I came up with when I was 10-13 years old
*what does Santa want for Christmas? Hoe Hoe Hoes
*what do hunters like to do? Shoot birds
*what did the tree say when the math teacher passed by? Gee-I'm-a-tree