Tree Jokes

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Funniest Tree Jokes

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it... ...then my illegal logging business is a success.

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”

The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”

Funny Tree Jokes

I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’ So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’

If a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested you or you're level 99 friend-zoned. Or she hasn't spotted you behind the tree yet.

Edgar Allen Poe is about to walk into a tree and you only have enough time to say one word before he hits it. What should you say to him? Poetry!

My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up. Guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore.

Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One of them sees a tree in the distance that's draped in bacon. "It's a bacon tree! We're saved!" he says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets. It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

A lumberjack went to a magic forest to cut a Tree.. Upon arrival to the tree he started swinging at the tree.
"But, I'm a talking tree" said the tree.
"And you will dialogue" replied the lumberjack.

A Christmas Joke (...maybe a LITTLE early) The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"

The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"

A lumberjack went into a magical forest to cut down a tree. Just as he began to swing his axe at a tree, the tree called out, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"





The lumberjack grinned, "And you will dialogue!"

If a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she either really likes you, or you've been completely friendzoned Or she hasn't seen you in the tree with your binoculars yet.

I can cut a dead tree in half just by looking at it I saw it with my own eyes

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it My illegal logging business is a success

Why did the polynomial tree fall over? It didn't have any real roots

Apparently Trump's family tree looks like a cactus Everybody on it is a prick

My family tree is a cactus Because everyone on it is a prick

Getting my kite stuck in a tree isn't my favorite thing... But it's up there.

What does a Christmas tree and a monk have in common? They both have ornamental balls

I bought a christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself. I said, "No, I'll probably put it in the living room"

What do you call three Irish lumberjacks? Tree fellers
Edit: Wooo gold!

Imagine the guy who invented maple syrup... Hey this tree tastes way better than the last 10 trees I sucked!

Your family tree must be a cactus ... Because everyone on it is a prick.

What has four legs, is green and fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree can kill you? A pool table.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in a tree because they are really good at it

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it... thats good... my illegal logging business is a success.

Why did the tree install solar panels? It wanted to be a power plant.

I once cut down a tree just by looking at it. It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.

I have a pet tree It's kind of like a pet dog, but the bark is quieter.

What's big, green, and fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you? A pool table.

A bear climbs a tree.... a bird sitting in the tree asks "Hey, Bear, why are you up in this tree?"

the bear says "I came up here to eat apples."

the bird says "But Bear, this isn't an apple tree. there are no apples up here."

the bear says "That's ok, I brought my own."

Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes’ diverse set of skills, as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting... To which Sherlock replied, “Why, that’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson.”

What do you say to warn Edgar Allen Poe about the tree he's about to walk into? Poetry!

A tree will never hit you They're all bark and no bite

Just been up in the loft getting the Christmas tree down, and I found a present from last year which we must have forgotten to give to the kids... ...shame really, they would have loved a kitten.

If a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it, my illegal logging business is running smoothly

If a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested in you or you're level 99 friend-zoned. Or she hasn't spotted you behind the tree yet.

What's big, green, fuzzy, has four legs, and if it fell from a tree it would kill you? A pool table.

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? One looks at the family tree and the other examines the family bush.

If a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it then my illegal logging business is a success

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New Tree Jokes

What's green and fuzzy and will kill you if it fell out of a tree ? A pool table

An emo girl and a leaf fall out of a tree Who hits the ground first?

The leaf, because the rope catches the emo

What kind of tree does a chicken grow on? A poultry.

(came up with that in the shower)

(Elder Scrolls) What do Argonian children study in school? Hist tree

Building a tree house is the biggest insult to a tree! "I killed one of your friends...here hold him!"

A tree randomly falls on a lady. A tree randomly falls on a lady. A nearby spectator asks, "What was the tree doing in the kitchen?"

daughter : MOM I JUST GOT $10 FOR CLIMBING A TREE mom : those boys just wanted to see your panties.

daughter : yea i know. i took off my panties before climbing

What's green, fuzzy and if it falls out of a tree would kill you? a pool table

A tree needed to get off its computer So it decided to log off

Does anyone know any good tree puns? I'm pining fir a new one, but they're not that poplar.

Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me. I was stumped.

If you walk into the forest and chop down a tree, but the tree doesn't understand why you chopped it down, Do you think it's stumped?

Did you know Helen Keller had a tree house? Neither did she.

Not everyone can steal a tree But some just maple it off

What position does a baby plant serve in the army? Infant tree

A man is watching his neighbor as he is dragging a Christmas tree across his driveway into his house. He tells his neighbor, "Wow, that's such a big tree! Are you going to put it up yourself?"

The neighbor replies, "No, I'm going to put it up in my living room."

How did the blonde break her arm while raking leaves? She fell out of the tree

I was buying a Christmas tree off this lady, and she asked "Are you going to put that up yourself?" I replied "No, I was thinking of putting it up in the living room actually"

​

(Nothing better than a christmas joke on new years eve.)

What do the Pope and a Christmas Tree have in common? Their balls are just for decoration.

What is the difference between a genealogist and gynaecologist? Genealogist looks up the family tree and gynaecologist looks up the family bush.

A tree fell and destroyed a quarter of my roof yesterday. oof

I can’t believe people are letting fireworks off in October! It’s scared the dog so badly he’s knocked the Christmas tree over.

Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree wasn’t the worst thing that’s happened to me today But it’s definitely up there

Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today. But it is definitely up there.

two blondes in a forest In December, two blondes in a forest are looking for a Christmas tree. They go all around the forest for hours. Then one of them says:
"I am very tired and I am fed up with the searching - let's take some tree without the decoration."

Why was the tree afraid of acting? He was afraid he’d dialogue.

A boy asks his father what alcoholism is The father says, "Well let me explain it this way. See those two trees over there? An alcoholic would say there's four."


The son replies, "But dad, there is only one tree over there."

My kids asked me why their tree house was in the shape of an octagon, I told them... during the construction process, corners were cut.

What do you call a tree living in Russia? Dimitree

What’s worse than ten babies stapled to one tree One baby stapled to ten trees

I was buying a Christmas tree the guy said "are you going to put it up yourself" I said "no it's going in the living room"

What did the father tree say to his son when he was ready to move out? Boy, don’t forget your roots.

A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”

The lumberjack grinned and replied “I’ve heard that one before.”

How does a tree get on the internet? It logs in.

What does a tree do after it finishes using it’s computer? It logs off

What did the guy who cut a tree in half by just looking at it say? I saw it with my own two eyes

Why would a tree make an awful Uber? They can’t decide on a route.

Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree The guy behind the counter said "Are you going to put it up yourself?" My dad said, "Don't be disgusting. I'm going to put it in the living room."

How does a tree access the internet? It logs in

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really into you or you're deep in the friend-zone... or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet..

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Long Tree Jokes

An African Lumberjack

An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single chop.

"Holy smokes, you've got quite the arm! You're absolutely hired, but I need to know what you can do. Try your hand at this tree over here." The foreman points out a much larger tree.

One, two swings and the tree crashes to the ground.

"That's incredible!" Cried the foreman. "Wherever did you learn to chop like that?!"

"In the Sahara Forest." Replied the lumberjack.

"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?" Asked the foreman.

"That's why I'm here."

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree.

He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

     "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

     "Boy," is the man's response.

     "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."

     The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"

     The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."

A monkey is smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey, what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint. Come up and join me"

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they have another joint. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.

He then asks the lizard "What's the matter with you!?" The lizard explains that he was up in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.

He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!"

The monkey looks down and says "OMG! DUUUUDE .... HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!"

There was an old man who lived by a forest.

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do," the man continued, "is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

A monkey is smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me"


So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.

He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.

He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!”

The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK DUUUDE .... HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!"

My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.

I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"

Two irishmen, lost at sea...

Two irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate.

Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it.

One of them pull out the lamp and rubs it, and lo and behold, a genie pops out!

"Will ye grant us tree wishes mister?" the Irishman pleads.

"I'd love ta, but this old genie's barely enough for just the one. So wish carefully."

Quickly, one of the men calls out, "I wish the ocean'd turn ta Guinness!!"

"Consider it done." The genie and the lamp disappear, and the entire ocean changes from water to beer.

The second Irishman looks at the first, stunned, then finally manages, "Ya fockin' idiot! Now we have ta piss in the boat!"

A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint...

when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?"

The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink.

The lizard, so stoned, leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to rescue him. When they get onto dry land, the croc asks, "What's wrong with you, lizard?"

The lizard tells him that he was smoking a joint with a koala, and he got too stoned and fell in while taking a drink.

The croc has to see this for himself, so he asks the lizard to take him to the koala. When they get back to the tree, the croc looks up at the koala and says "Hey, you."

The koala looks down and says "Shiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?"

A guy walks in to his backyard and sees a gorilla in his tree

He gets online and finds a man who specializes in gorilla removal. When he arrives at the house he has a stick, a set of handcuffs, a chihuahua, and a shotgun.
He tells the homeowner "I'm going to climb up in the tree and use the stick to hit the gorilla until he falls out of the tree. Upon landing, the trained chihuahua will viciously lunge for the gorillas genitals and when he attempts to protect himself we will slap on the handcuffs."
The homeowner, a little bewildered, says "that's crazy enough it just might work, but what is the shotgun for?"
"If I fall out of the tree first....shoot the chihuahua."

The Boston Zoo had a large problem.

The Boston Zoo had a very large problem. Their most popular attraction, a gorilla named Jamie, had died unexpectedly in the night. Ticket sales were projected to plummet if this gorilla couldn’t be seen, so the zoo manager decided to hire a man to dress up in a gorilla costume and pretend to be Jamie.

The manager finds a man suitable for the job and tells him,

“All you’ve got to do is swing around and lay down for 12 hours a day. Act just as any gorilla would”

The man agrees, puts on the costume, and heads into his enclosure.

When the zoo opens, people rush to see the legendary Jamie the Gorilla. The man, though nervous at first, starts to walk around like a gorilla normally would. The observers smile at his actions so he decides to kick it up a notch.

The man grabs hold of a vine and begins to swing from one side of his enclosure to the other. The crowd shows admiration, laughing and pointing at his acrobatic skills.

The man decides to take things even further and does a backflip off of the vine onto a high tree branch. The crowd erupts with applause, chanting “Jamie! Jamie! Jamie!” at the top of their lungs.

The man decides he will do one final stunt. He climbs up onto the vine and builds up some momentum, however as he begins to reach a fast speed, his hand slips and he flies over a wall right into the lion enclosure!

Panicking, the man begins to scream,

“Help me! I’m not actually a gorilla, please someone help!”

The lion snarls and pounces on the man and says

“Hey man, shut your mouth or we’re both gonna lose our jobs!”

One afternoon a lawyer is riding in his limousine

While on his ride, he notices 2 men on the side of the road eating grass. He stops, concerned a bit to talk to the 2 men.

He gets out of his limousine and goes up to one of the men and asks "Hey man, why are you eating grass?

Man 1: Well, you see, when your homeless and have nothing to eat this is sometimes what we have to resort to

Lawyer: I see, that's no way to live, why don't you come over to my place and I'll get you something to eat

Man 1: Id love to but me and my family of 3 couldn't possibly take up that offer

He then points to his family who are under a tree, also eating grass. The lawyer notices and then goes up to the other man

Lawyer: You couldn't possibly turn down a nice meal at my place could you?

The other man looks pitifully at the lawyer and replies, "I would love to but me and my family with 6 kids couldn't possibly take an offer like that." He then points over to another tree where is family too, is also eating grass.

After some convincing of the 2 men and their families, the lawyer guides them to his limousine which they all get in, it's a little tight however as fitting that many people in a limousine is a rather tough task to accomplish.

Once they are all settled in, one of the men look at the lawyer and say, "I really appreciate you taking this time to help us get a good meal that we really need during these tough times". The lawyer then replies

"Yeah, no problem, the grass at my house is at least 2 feet high."

A man walks into a bar with his dog.

A man walks into a bar with his dog.

"This is a talking dog. If this dog can answer my questions, who will buy me a drink?" he asks.

"You can have one on the house," the bartender says.

The man turns to his dog. "What goes on the top of a house?"

Dog: Roof.

Man: "What does tree bark feel like?"

Dog: Rough.

Man: "Who is the greatest baseball player ever?"

Dog: Ruth.

The bartender is clearly annoyed and snaps at the man. "That's enough. You and your dog, get out."

After the man and the dog are thrown out, the dog looks sadly at his owner. "Should I have said DiMaggio?"

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States...

Wandering aimlessly and starving, They are about to lie down and accept their death when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, candied bacon, canadianed bacon, smoked bacon ... In fact there is every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we are saved! Issa bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe it's a mirage? We're in the desert, don't forget."

"Pepe, since when did you ever hear of a mirage that smells like bacon...its no mirage, it's a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to about 5 meters away, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun open fires on them and Luis drops like a wet sock. Luis, mortally wounded, warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, its not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... What is it? "

"Pepe.. its not a bacon tree. Its

Its

Its

Its

Its a ham bush!"

An Irish Lumberjack

A large Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the Foreman's door.

The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the Irishman.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the Foreman. "Take your axe and go cut it down."

The Irishman headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the Foreman's door.

"I cut the tree down," said the Irishman.

"*Holy smokes!*" Said the Formean. "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the Irishman.

Confused, the Forman asked "...don't you mean the Sahara Desert?"

"Is that what they call it now?"

A Blonde was down on her luck...

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."
The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

Three vampires sit in a cave in the black of night, sharing a drink, laughing, and generally having a good time that one would not associate with the undead.

The night grew longer, and an observer, should they be careful enough, would learn that vampires can indeed get drunk.

Eventually, the three begin to bicker about which of them is the most powerful and deadly.

The youngest suddenly gets up, and flies off into the night. Almost instantly, he returns in a huge flock of bats. His hands are covered in blood.

With a cackle, he points down the road.

"You see that abandoned coach down there? I slaughtered everyone in it! The driver, a nobleman and his wife, their three sons, and a guardsman! All dead in the blink of an eye!"

The second, older than the first, but younger than the last, scoffs. "Child's play. Watch this." And disappears with the wind. Even with his heightened senses, the younger could not follow his movements.

The second vampire reappeared as suddenly as he had vanished, and the gust of his speed knocked the youngest to the ground. His hands, mouth, and collar were caked with gore. He gestures towards a town in the distance. As the vampires watched, a building lit on fire, and fell onto another one. Soon, the entire town was alight, but no movement could be seen from the townsfolk at all.

"A hundred people in that town! All dead! Torn to shreds!"

The youngest was in awe, but the eldest of the three only chuckled amusedly.

"How cute." He says.

The second looks almost indignant. "I'd like to see you do better."

The third lets out a malevolent chuckle.

"Very well."

He gets up, dusts off his cloak, and puts his spectacles down on a rock.

He disappears with a **CRACK.** The other two vampires' jaws dropped at the impossible speed that the eldest flew at.

Another resounding **CRACK** filled the air as the eldest vampire returned to the cave. His cloak was in tatters. His clothes were disheveled. But most prominent was the blood. His entire body was covered in blood. Never would the other vampires imagine that so much blood could cling to one person.

The eldest lets out a sigh, and plops to the ground. He reaches for his glasses, and cleans them with what remains of his cloak.

The younger vampires look at each other, not sure whether to break the silence.

Finally, the youngest asks, "So...?"

The elder vampire looks up slowly. He murmurs,

"You see that massive tree over there? The one with the widest trunk, as thick as a man is tall?"

Baffled, the youngest replied, "...Yes?"

The eldest, sheepishly, continued.

"Well, I didn't."

A lumberjack walks into a shop to buy a chainsaw...

The shopkeeper picks one out and says "this one can cut down 5 trees in 2 minutes". The lumberjack is impressed by this and buys the chainsaw. 2 days later, the lumberjack comes back to the shop with the chainsaw and asks for a refund.

"This is a complete rip-off, I only managed to cut down 1 tree over the space of an hour!"

The shopkeeper takes the chainsaw and turns it on only for the lumberjack to suddenly jump in surprise.

"What's that noise?"

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving.

They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden, Luis says...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell!? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon!

Every imaginable kind of cured pork!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree.

He gets to within 5 feet, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.

Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath...

"Pepe... Go back man! You was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it?!"

"Pepe..ees not a bacon tree. Ees..."

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...a ham bush...!!"

Went golfing with my Grandpa yesterday..

We were on the 12th hole and I hit my tee shot a bit to the left. When we got to my ball there was a big 40ft tree right in my way and I was just going to hit around it when my grandpa chimed in:

"Ya know, when I was your age I could hit it right up and over that tree"

Well not to be outdone my ego took over and I grabbed my 9 iron to hit it right over that tree. I took my shot and *THWACK* the ball hit dead center of the tree and bounced back 30 yards behind me. That's when he chimes in again:

"Of course when I was your age that tree was only 2 feet tall!"

Old Russian joke: One day the bear escaped from the zoo

One day the bear escaped from the zoo and climbed a tree in a residential area. Same day lonely old lady came out in the morning for milk, saw the bear and called the zoo. Half an hour later a rusty old van drove to her house. Hefty bearded man with a shotgun got out of the van followed by little white dog. A man approached the old lady and asked: - Where is the bear, which you told us? The old woman pointed on a tree. The man replied: - Clear. So, here, hold the shotgun. Now I climb a tree and start to shake it. When the bear falls, Milky (man pointed on the dog) grab him by the balls and lead him to the zoo. That is a proven approach. We have done it 1000 times already. Confused old lady said: - Clear... But why did you give me a shotgun? The man replies, slightly lowering his voice: - Usually, everything goes well. BUT, if if i fall from a tree instead of a bear - SHOOT THE MILKY!

I'm also russian so sorry for my language.

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