If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it... ...then my illegal logging business is a success.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree
When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”
I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’ So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’
Two Police officers.
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says:
“Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site.”
If a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested you or you're level 99 friend-zoned. Or she hasn't spotted you behind the tree yet.
Whenever I see two lovers names carved into a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I think it's shocking how many people bring a knife on a date.
Edgar Allen Poe is about to walk into a tree and you only have enough time to say one word before he hits it. What should you say to him? Poetry!
My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up. Guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore.
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One of them sees a tree in the distance that's draped in bacon. "It's a bacon tree! We're saved!" he says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets. It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
A lumberjack went to a magic forest to cut a Tree..
Upon arrival to the tree he started swinging at the tree.
"But, I'm a talking tree" said the tree.
"And you will dialogue" replied the lumberjack.
What's an acorn ? In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.
A Christmas Joke (...maybe a LITTLE early)
The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"
The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"
A lumberjack went into a magical forest to cut down a tree.
Just as he began to swing his axe at a tree, the tree called out, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"
The lumberjack grinned, "And you will dialogue!"
If a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she either really likes you, or you've been completely friendzoned Or she hasn't seen you in the tree with your binoculars yet.
I can cut a dead tree in half just by looking at it I saw it with my own eyes
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? "Hold onto your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow job."
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. (Credit to my uncle)
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it My illegal logging business is a success
When I see.... ...lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
When I see lovers' nαmes cαrved in α tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.
What do you call a fish stuck in a tree?
A fish stick!
My 4 year olds first joke.
I have a pet tree... It's like having a pet dog but the bark is much quieter.
Why did the polynomial tree fall over? It didn't have any real roots
What exactly is an acorn? Well, in a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.
Apparently Trump's family tree looks like a cactus Everybody on it is a prick
What's my dog's favourite part of the tree?
What's my bank's favourite part of the tree?
What's my elephant's favourite part of the tree?
What's my father's favourite part of the tree?
The leaves :(
Why do you never see an elephant hiding on top of a tree? Because they're good at it.
Getting my kite stuck in a tree isn't my favorite thing... But it's up there.
What is big green and fuzzy and kills you when it falls out of a tree? A pool table
Why do you never see elephants hiding in a tree because they are really good at it
Tell me, Sherlock, where do lemons come from? A lemon tree, dear Watson.
What do you say to warn Edgar Allen Poe about the tree he's about to walk into? Poetry!
A tree will never hit you They're all bark and no bite
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree.. When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
If a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested in you or you're level 99 friend-zoned. Or she hasn't spotted you behind the tree yet.
What does a tree do when he's going on a vacation?
He packs his trunk and leaves.
I should go back to studying now. K bye.
I was buying a Christmas tree the guy said "are you going to put it up yourself" I said "no it's going in the living room"
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it... then my illegal log cutting business is doing well.
An emo and a leaf fall from a tree at the same time. Who hits the ground first?
The emo is stopped by the rope.
Totally sick of idiots letting fireworks off early, it’s still October for goodness sake!!! Dog is going mad and keeps knocking the Christmas tree over!
two blondes in a forest
In December, two blondes in a forest are looking for a Christmas tree. They go all around the forest for hours. Then one of them says:
"I am very tired and I am fed up with the searching - let's take some tree without the decoration."
What do you call a tree living in Russia? Dimitree
A lumber jack went into a forest....
Upon entering he found a tree and began his first swing when the tree suddenly shouted, “wait I’m a talking tree”
And the lumberjack grinned and said,
“And you will dialogue”
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut down a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “No! Wait! I’m a talking tree!" The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
A man was picking out a Christmas tree
A man was picking out a Christmas tree.
When he goes to pay for it, the cashier asks him, "Will you be putting this up yourself?"
The man replies, "Quit being disgusting! I'm putting it in my living room."
What's yellow and you will die if it falls on you from a tree? A tractor.
What type of tree doesn’t need to worry about birth control? A rubber tree.
**What did hurricane Irma say to the coconut palm tree?** Hold on to your nuts this ain't no ordinary blow job!!!
Did you hear that Dollar Tree is opening a store in the U.K? They're naming it pound town.
Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.
Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.
Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.
Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?
An emo and a leaf were sitting at the top of a tree...
they both fall off at the same time? Which one hits the ground first?
The emo got caught by the rope.
Little Johnny's teacher asks
"George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe!"
What's colored and looks good hanging from a tree... Christmas ornaments.
What do you call a tree that grows meat? Dmitry!
What's big, red, hard too eat and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A fire truck
What do you call a chicken hauling logs? Pull Tree
What's big and white and can't climb a tree? A refrigerator
Do you know how the blonde broke her arms? She fell out of the tree while she was raking leaves
I didn't get elected president of the Tree Club this year... I guess I'm just not poplar enough.
Why do you never see a hippopotimus hiding in a tree? Because they're really good at it.
What do you call it when 2 crows are sitting on a tree? An attempted murder.
How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree? Wave at him.
How do you get an emo kid out of a tree? You cut the rope
The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree
Son: "Dad where did I come from?"
Dad: "One day your mother and I were walking through an apple orchard..."
Son *rolls eyes*: "And you grabbed an apple not far from a tr..."
Dad: "I slipped in cider."
What's big, green and if it falls out a tree it could kill you A pool table
A kid asks his dad what a alcoholic is
The dad says "you see those 2 trees? A alcoholic would see 4"
The kid replies with "but dad, there is only 1 tree"
I want my tombstone to read.. When I said I wanted to be buried under an apple tree, I meant AFTER I was dead!
TIL a modern artist created a stringed instrument out of a tree branch that was only to be played in the event of the government being overthrown. It was a coup-stick.
Why does a surfing tree not drown? Because it wears Wooden Trunks!
What is fuzzy, has 4 legs and if it fell from a tree it would kill you? A pool table
What do you call a southern lumberjack a tree feller
How does an Irishman count to four? He can't......There's a tree in the way
What do a dead dog and a dead tree have in common? No more bark :/
What's the difference between a golf ball and a Cadillac? Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 100 yards without hitting a tree.
What's green has four legs and would probably kill you if it fell out of a tree? A pool table.
How do you tell an optimistic tree from a pessimistic tree? If it's negative, its roots are imaginary.
How does a tree feel every first day of spring? Relieved.
between a genealogist and a gynecologist
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush.
An oak tree walks into a bar. Nuts on a woman, barks something inappropriate, and leaves.
Why did the koala fall out of the tree? It was dead.
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? One looks up ur family tree. The other looks up ur family bush
How do you get a 1 armed man out of a tree Wave
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet at all. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
How do you make a guy with one arm fall out of a tree? Wave
What's green and would kill you if it fell from a tree? A pool table.
I'm pretty sure that I am related to Albert Einstein. However despite all of my research into my family tree, I just can't prove my theory of relativity.
A man drove his car into a tree. He found out how a Mercedes bends.
If your life is awful, get a rope and a stool
...and find the next tree. Throw the rope over a branch and attach the stool to the rope.
Now you've got a swing.
I saw two names carved in a tree... I do not think its cute. On the contrary, its alarming how many people take a knife on a date.
How do you tell a boy tree from a girl tree? Boy trees have woodpeckers.
A man buys a Christmas tree.
As he goes to pay for the tree, the attendant says, "Are you putting the tree up yourself?"
The man replies, "Quit being disgusting. I'm putting the tree in my living room."
I recently bought a Christmas tree at a shop...
The man at the cashier said to me "Are you going to put that up yourself?"
I replied to him in disgust saying "No, that is disgusting! I'm going to put it up in my living room."
Sherlock was working on his garden, when Watson walked over and asked what he was planting.
"What are you planting?" said Watson.
"It's a lemon tree, my dear Watson."
Why did the Christmas tree get thrown in prison? Treeson.
Why did the tree leave his career of 15 years to start his own business? ...he wanted to branch out.
When I see lover's names on a tree, I don't think it's sweet… … I think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
Lately I've started telling tree jokes. I think it's time to branch out.
My favorite tree died earlier. Now I have mourning wood.
A man goes to buy a Christmas Tree... ... After the salesman rings him up and helps him strap it to the car, he asks, "were you planning on putting this up yourself?" to which the man responds, "Actually, I was thinking of putting it in the living room."