If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it... ...then my illegal logging business is a success.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree
When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”
I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’ So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’
If a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested you or you're level 99 friend-zoned. Or she hasn't spotted you behind the tree yet.
Edgar Allen Poe is about to walk into a tree and you only have enough time to say one word before he hits it. What should you say to him? Poetry!
My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up. Guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore.
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One of them sees a tree in the distance that's draped in bacon. "It's a bacon tree! We're saved!" he says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets. It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
A lumberjack went to a magic forest to cut a Tree..
Upon arrival to the tree he started swinging at the tree.
"But, I'm a talking tree" said the tree.
"And you will dialogue" replied the lumberjack.
A Christmas Joke (...maybe a LITTLE early)
The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"
The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"
A lumberjack went into a magical forest to cut down a tree.
Just as he began to swing his axe at a tree, the tree called out, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"
The lumberjack grinned, "And you will dialogue!"
If a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she either really likes you, or you've been completely friendzoned Or she hasn't seen you in the tree with your binoculars yet.
I can cut a dead tree in half just by looking at it I saw it with my own eyes
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it My illegal logging business is a success
Why did the polynomial tree fall over? It didn't have any real roots
Apparently Trump's family tree looks like a cactus Everybody on it is a prick
My family tree is a cactus Because everyone on it is a prick
Getting my kite stuck in a tree isn't my favorite thing... But it's up there.
What does a Christmas tree and a monk have in common? They both have ornamental balls
I bought a christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself. I said, "No, I'll probably put it in the living room"
What do you call three Irish lumberjacks?
Edit: Wooo gold!
Imagine the guy who invented maple syrup... Hey this tree tastes way better than the last 10 trees I sucked!
Your family tree must be a cactus ... Because everyone on it is a prick.
What has four legs, is green and fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree can kill you? A pool table.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in a tree because they are really good at it
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it... thats good... my illegal logging business is a success.
Why did the tree install solar panels? It wanted to be a power plant.
I once cut down a tree just by looking at it. It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I have a pet tree It's kind of like a pet dog, but the bark is quieter.
What's big, green, and fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you? A pool table.
A bear climbs a tree....
a bird sitting in the tree asks "Hey, Bear, why are you up in this tree?"
the bear says "I came up here to eat apples."
the bird says "But Bear, this isn't an apple tree. there are no apples up here."
the bear says "That's ok, I brought my own."
Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes’ diverse set of skills, as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting... To which Sherlock replied, “Why, that’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson.”
What do you say to warn Edgar Allen Poe about the tree he's about to walk into? Poetry!
A tree will never hit you They're all bark and no bite
Just been up in the loft getting the Christmas tree down, and I found a present from last year which we must have forgotten to give to the kids... ...shame really, they would have loved a kitten.
If a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it, my illegal logging business is running smoothly
If a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested in you or you're level 99 friend-zoned. Or she hasn't spotted you behind the tree yet.
What's big, green, fuzzy, has four legs, and if it fell from a tree it would kill you? A pool table.
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? One looks at the family tree and the other examines the family bush.
If a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it then my illegal logging business is a success
What does the Pope and a Christmas tree have in common? The balls are for decoration only
Why does everyone always drink too much at tree weddings? Because seeing family reminds them of their roots
Murphy and O'Neill were looking at jobs listings at the Labour Office in Dublin
Murphy saw an advert from Park Services looking for tree planters.
He turns to O'Neill and says "This sounds like a great opportunity. Too bad there's only two of us."
How does an elephant camouflage? & What's the loudest thing in the forest? He paints his balls in red and climbs on a cherry tree & A giraffe eating a cherry.
Two cowboys are lost in a desert. One cowboy sees a tree full of bacon and shouts, “It’s a bacon tree, we’re saved!” He runs toward the tree and gets shot. It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a hambush.
what do my dad and a tree have in common? leaves
There are 2 lumberjacks.
One hits the tree with an axe, and the other uses a saw to finish the job.
The one with the axe took down a tree by himself and said, "Could you see yourself cutting down a tree like that?"
The other man said, "No, I saw."
What kind of tree does a chicken grow on ? A poultry
What do you call a tree drinking alcohol in a pool? Root beer float
What you call a tree that grows fingers? A palm tree
I have a pet tree It’s like a pet dog but the bark is quieter.
What's green and fuzzy and will kill you if it fell out of a tree ? A pool table
An emo girl and a leaf fall out of a tree
Who hits the ground first?
The leaf, because the rope catches the emo
Saw a right angle resting under a tree this afternoon and thought.... Wow! 90 degrees in the shade!!
What kind of tree does a chicken grow on?
(came up with that in the shower)
(Elder Scrolls) What do Argonian children study in school? Hist tree
Building a tree house is the biggest insult to a tree! "I killed one of your friends...here hold him!"
My friend told me that I am really bad at noticing what people are trying to tell me, and that I am also really easily distracted She told me some other stuff but I wasn't really listening as there was a squirrel in a tree looking at me
How does an arborist maintain his business? He keeps a log of every tree he cuts down.
A tree randomly falls on a lady. A tree randomly falls on a lady. A nearby spectator asks, "What was the tree doing in the kitchen?"
My friend's hobbies include photography and playing in an 80's band. He's a lot like a tree in that way they both like to photo synthesize
What kind of tree holds the widest variety of fruit? The pantry.
I 3D printed a tree branch today It's PLA stick
trees rock A squirrel had carved a shelter into a tree. The tree was arrested and faced charges in court of arboring a fugitive.
I played a song to a tree in Russia Now it's Dmitree
daughter : MOM I JUST GOT $10 FOR CLIMBING A TREE
mom : those boys just wanted to see your panties.
daughter : yea i know. i took off my panties before climbing
I heard you like tree puns... Willow Yule please tell me what kind Juniper Fir?
What's green, fuzzy and if it falls out of a tree would kill you? a pool table
A tree needed to get off its computer So it decided to log off
Jimmy Saville, Rolf Harris & Stuart Hall walk into a pub in Ireland. Barman says “not yew tree again”
A once small tree house building business exploded into a giant nationwide company. They have branches everywhere these days.
Does anyone know any good tree puns? I'm pining fir a new one, but they're not that poplar.
My son wouldn't accept my bonsai tree gift, saying that it wasn't gender-neutral enough. Sadly, the incident gave me a small heart attack. I'm fine, but I'll eventually need a trans plant.
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me. I was stumped.
What did the first guy to think of tree farms say? Man I wish I had thought of this 20 years ago!
A kid from Alabama had to do a project on his family tree He brought a ladder to school the next day
A leaf and an emo fall from a tree what falls first? The leaf because the emo was stopped by the rope
If you walk into the forest and chop down a tree, but the tree doesn't understand why you chopped it down, Do you think it's stumped?
What’s green and has four legs and if it falls out a tree it’ll kill you? A snooker table.
Did you know Helen Keller had a tree house? Neither did she.
Two trees in Scotland
Tree 1: I think it's going to rain.
Tree 2: How can you tell?
Tree 1: I feel it in me Roots!
Why did the Palm tree get so lonely? Because it didn't have any fronds.
Not everyone can steal a tree But some just maple it off
I was heartbroken when our tree died and had to be cut down. I was mourning wood.
If I told you that I had carved a female sheep from a tree stump... Wood Ewe believe it?
A Emo and a leaf fall off a tree witch one hits the ground 1st? The leaf, A rope stops the Emo
What position does a baby plant serve in the army? Infant tree
A man is watching his neighbor as he is dragging a Christmas tree across his driveway into his house.
He tells his neighbor, "Wow, that's such a big tree! Are you going to put it up yourself?"
The neighbor replies, "No, I'm going to put it up in my living room."
How did the blonde break her arm while raking leaves? She fell out of the tree
What’s the most common kind of tree in Australia? Ash.
What kind of tree do fingers grow on? A palm tree.
What do you call it when a seed kills the tree leader? Treeson
I was buying a Christmas tree off this lady, and she asked "Are you going to put that up yourself?"
I replied "No, I was thinking of putting it up in the living room actually"
(Nothing better than a christmas joke on new years eve.)
2 cowboys are walking through the desert. One of them sees a tree covered in bacon and runs towards it. He is instantly shot. Because this was no bacon tree. This. Was a *ham bush.*
The elves refused Santa’s orders to decorate the Christmas tree They were written up for insubornamation
What do the Pope and a Christmas Tree have in common? Their balls are just for decoration.
Why did the tree go to jail? Because it committed treason.
What’s black and white that could fall out of a tree and kill you? A piano
Sometimes I wish I was a Tree So I could make a living from all the exposure I get from an unpaid internship.
How does a tree disconnect from his account He logs out
What does tree drink? Root beer.
What is the difference between a genealogist and gynaecologist? Genealogist looks up the family tree and gynaecologist looks up the family bush.