Train Jokes

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Funniest Train Jokes

My boss said to me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."

Score: 11288

My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'Here comes the train', and we always ate the food straight away. Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks.

Score: 2920

My mum used to feed my brother and I by saying ‘here comes the train’, and we always used to eat it straight away Otherwise she wouldn’t untie us from the tracks

Score: 2668

There were 3 blondes walking on a trail... The first blonde said "Those look like deer tracks!"

The second blonde said "No those are totally moose tracks... "

The third blonde said "Nope, they are goat tracks!"

Then a train hit them

Score: 1471

My friend told me that I don't understand the meaning of irony... ...which was ironic because we were at a train station

Score: 1186
Funny Train Jokes
Score: 1130

What must you have if you want to crash a train? A loco motive.

I made this one up several years ago and have never posted here 🙃

Score: 1014

Did you hear about the Mexican train bomber? He had locomotives.

Score: 929

What is the difference between a teacher and a train? A teacher says "Spit out the gum!"
A train says "Chew! Chew!"

Ye, courtesy of my 8 year old daughter.

Score: 817

I just got my prostate examined. That's the last time I fall asleep on the train.

Score: 771

My mom used to feed me by saying: “Here comes the train!” I always ate everything. Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.

Score: 764

Deep. Pessimist sees nothing but dark in the tunnel.

Optimist sees light in the end of the tunnel.

Realist sees light from incoming train.

Engine-driver sees three idiots standing on the track.

Score: 687

My boss told me, "You are the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I replied, "I don't know; it's hard to keep track".

Score: 470

Did you hear about the crazy Mexican train thief? He had loco motives.

Score: 463

I was really embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set. So I quickly threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.

Score: 368

Three blondes found some tracks... The first blonde said, "Those are bear tracks!"

The second blonde said, "No, those are deer tracks!"

The third blonde said, "No those are dog tracks!"

And that was when the train hit them.

Score: 332

The thought of one of my friends catching me playing with my train set is so embarrassing. So I covered the set up with bedsheets. Nobody will find out now, my tracks are covered

Score: 312

What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews? Harry gets to take the train back.

Score: 290

Have you ever heard of the mexican train killer? He had loco motives

Score: 286

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon and say, "There's a train coming. There's a train coming." We'd always eat it because we knew that if we didn't she wouldn't untie us from the railway line.

Score: 282

I asked a train engineer how many times he's derailed the train. He looked at me and said "I honestly don't know... It's hard to keep track".

Score: 269

Train driver My boss said to me, “you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?”

I said, “I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track.”

Score: 254

I was sitting on a train yesterday and saw this stunningly beautiful Thai girl. I thought to myself, “Please don’t get an erection, Please don’t get an erection”. But she did.

Score: 198

We kicked the drummer out if the band because his timing was awful. He was so upset he went to the station and threw himself behind a train.

Score: 198

Saw a beautiful Thai woman on the train today... kept thinking, don't get an erection, don't get an erection, don't get an erection, but then she did.

Score: 196

Hot Thai girl I was sitting opposite a really hot Thai girl on the train this morning.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection, Please don't get an erection."

But she did.

Score: 184

While I was living in Japan a woman approached me on the train... She said to me, "What's black and white and red all over?"

"Wow," I said, "You can speak English?"

"Just a riddle," she said.

Score: 169

Einstein is on a train leaving New York. He leans over to another passenger and asks, "excuse me, do you know if Boston stops at this train?"

Score: 155

Why did the Mexican train driver kill all of his passengers? I'm not sure, but he must have had a loco motive.

edit: grammar

Score: 148

I was sat on the train opposite a cute Thai girl today and all i could think was "please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection"..... ... But she did.

Score: 147

I was sitting in the train and across from me was this smoking hot Thai chick "Please don't get an erection...." I thought, "please don't get an erection....".

But she did.

Score: 94

How many trains have I derailed in all my years as a train driver? It's hard to keep track.

Score: 92

I'm upset. I'm two years into engineering school and... I haven't even started learning how to drive a train

Score: 45

What does a Muslim train conductor say before he starts his train? ALLAH BOARD!

Score: 43

I heard a crazy train engineer in Mexico killed a bunch of people last week. Yeah. He had a loco motive.

Score: 15

A conductor asked me if I could help him drive a train... I said, "yeah of course, how hard could it be?" Then I saw how complicated the control panel was. It was then that I realized that I may have bitten off more than I could choo.

Score: 12

I tried to train several baby cows to drink coffee. But only one calf in eight did.

Score: 8

I got arrested for staring at two women kissing on the train. That's the last time I'll be taking my laptop.

Score: 7

The crab just caught a train... ...from the Crustacean

Score: 6

The baby is great. My wife and I just started potty training. Which I think is important because when we want to potty train the baby, we should set an example.

Score: 4

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New Train Jokes

What is the difference between a utero-rectal fistula and a train load of army backpacks? One is a shunt full of kit.

Score: 0

A mathematician, a biologist, and an economist are riding in a train. Looking out the window, they see a cow.

*Mathematician:* “This side of the cow is brown.”

*Biologist:* “That is a brown cow.”

*Economist:* “**All** cows are brown.”

Score: 0

What did the train conducter say to the carriage full of cricket players? Wickets, please!

Score: 0

Theirs an unfortunate reason we don't see very many female Jedi. They all go to train, but most pursue a career in the labour force.

Score: 0

A random person helped me finish my origami swan one the train today. Thanks for the fold, kind stranger.

Score: 2

I was singing the song “I’m a Believer” on the train and some lady told me to shut up because she thought it was annoying. I started laughing because I thought she was kidding. But then i saw her face.

Score: 2

When is a laugh track not funny? When you ride a train over it

Score: 1

What is yellow and deadly if it hits your eye? A train.

Score: 3

A large group of Jews got onto a train They never got off

Score: 2

What does a forgetful conductor say? I lost my train of thought

Score: 2

It was raining outside. There was this guy in my train wearing a suit. He kept leaving the train and lightning keep hitting him but it didn't affect him. I later realized he was a conductor.

Score: 2

Why didn’t any Soul Train dancers survive the Vietnam War? Because when they yelled “Get Down!”, they started dancing.

Score: 2

I once took a Spanish class with someone who wanted to start a bilingual train company. Talk about a real loco motive.

Score: 1

I was sat across from a screaming child on the train the other day... ... He was so loud I could hear him through my wolf mask.

Score: 3

I was sat across from a screaming child on the train the other day they were so loud i could hear then through my Wolf Mask

Score: 1

My mom used to feed my brother and I by saying, “here comes the train”, and we would always eat it right away. Or else she wouldn’t untie us from the tracks.

Score: 4

There’s only one thing I hate more than someone losing their train or thought. Oh look at butterfly.

Score: 0

How did the railroad cross the mountain? He had to train...

Score: 1

I used to have my own locomotive filled with prostitutes Too bad I lost my train of thot

Score: 3

What train did santa go on when he couldn't make his mind up? The Bipolar Express

Score: 1

My boss told me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I replied, "I'm not sure, it's hard to keep track"

Score: 3

What do an angry conductor and a line of pop singers have in common? They're both Madonna train.

Score: 2

I would'nt dare use a body deo in a train in germany apparently an axeman was shot dead.

Score: 0

Mr Weinstein and Mr Goldman were on a train It was a two Jew train

Score: 1

Just finished my classes on becoming a Train Conductor For the most part it's straight forward.

Score: 1

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