Hilarious Train Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Train Jokes

My boss said to me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."

Score: 11288

My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'Here comes the train', and we always ate the food straight away. Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks.

Score: 2920

My mum used to feed my brother and I by saying ‘here comes the train’, and we always used to eat it straight away Otherwise she wouldn’t untie us from the tracks

Score: 2668

There were 3 blondes walking on a trail... The first blonde said "Those look like deer tracks!"

The second blonde said "No those are totally moose tracks... "

The third blonde said "Nope, they are goat tracks!"

Then a train hit them

Score: 1471

My friend told me that I don't understand the meaning of irony... ...which was ironic because we were at a train station

Score: 1186

Score: 1130

What must you have if you want to crash a train? A loco motive.

I made this one up several years ago and have never posted here 🙃

Score: 1014

Did you hear about the Mexican train bomber? He had locomotives.

Score: 929

What is the difference between a teacher and a train? A teacher says "Spit out the gum!"
A train says "Chew! Chew!"

Ye, courtesy of my 8 year old daughter.

Score: 817

I just got my prostate examined. That's the last time I fall asleep on the train.

Score: 771

My mom used to feed me by saying: “Here comes the train!” I always ate everything. Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.

Score: 764

Deep. Pessimist sees nothing but dark in the tunnel.

Optimist sees light in the end of the tunnel.

Realist sees light from incoming train.

Engine-driver sees three idiots standing on the track.

Score: 687

My boss told me, "You are the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I replied, "I don't know; it's hard to keep track".

Score: 470

Did you hear about the crazy Mexican train thief? He had loco motives.

Score: 463

I was really embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set. So I quickly threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.

Score: 368

Three blondes found some tracks... The first blonde said, "Those are bear tracks!"

The second blonde said, "No, those are deer tracks!"

The third blonde said, "No those are dog tracks!"

And that was when the train hit them.

Score: 332

The thought of one of my friends catching me playing with my train set is so embarrassing. So I covered the set up with bedsheets. Nobody will find out now, my tracks are covered

Score: 312

What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews? Harry gets to take the train back.

Score: 290

Have you ever heard of the mexican train killer? He had loco motives

Score: 286

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon and say, "There's a train coming. There's a train coming." We'd always eat it because we knew that if we didn't she wouldn't untie us from the railway line.

Score: 282

I asked a train engineer how many times he's derailed the train. He looked at me and said "I honestly don't know... It's hard to keep track".

Score: 269

Train driver My boss said to me, “you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?”

I said, “I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track.”

Score: 254

I was sitting on a train yesterday and saw this stunningly beautiful Thai girl. I thought to myself, “Please don’t get an erection, Please don’t get an erection”. But she did.

Score: 198

We kicked the drummer out if the band because his timing was awful. He was so upset he went to the station and threw himself behind a train.

Score: 198

Saw a beautiful Thai woman on the train today... kept thinking, don't get an erection, don't get an erection, don't get an erection, but then she did.

Score: 196

Hot Thai girl I was sitting opposite a really hot Thai girl on the train this morning.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection, Please don't get an erection."

But she did.

Score: 184

While I was living in Japan a woman approached me on the train... She said to me, "What's black and white and red all over?"

"Wow," I said, "You can speak English?"

"Just a riddle," she said.

Score: 169

Einstein is on a train leaving New York. He leans over to another passenger and asks, "excuse me, do you know if Boston stops at this train?"

Score: 155

Why did the Mexican train driver kill all of his passengers? I'm not sure, but he must have had a loco motive.

edit: grammar

Score: 148

I was sat on the train opposite a cute Thai girl today and all i could think was "please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection"..... ... But she did.

Score: 147

What's the best thing about going to Auschwitz? Plenty of seats on the train ride home.

Score: 113

How did the train conductor use the insanity defense when she was accused of murder? She claimed she had locomotives.

(I'm sorry.)

Score: 100

An optimist sees the light in the tunnel An optimist sees the light in the tunnel.
A pessimist sees the darkness in the tunnel.
A realist sees the train in the tunnel and the conductor sees 3 idiots on the rails.

Score: 98

I was sitting in the train and across from me was this smoking hot Thai chick "Please don't get an erection...." I thought, "please don't get an erection....".

But she did.

Score: 94

How many trains have I derailed in all my years as a train driver? It's hard to keep track.

Score: 92

Two blondes are walking in the woods. They come across some tracks. One says they are deer tracks. The other says no they are bear tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them.

Score: 49

Dad says to his son, "A train just passed through not too long ago." Son ask, "How do you know?"

Dad replies, "It left tracks."

Score: 40

The pregnant woman sitting across from me on the train laughed. I asked her
"What's so funny?"
She smiled and replied.
"My baby just told me something."
I was shocked!
"Really? What did he say!"
She grins.

"Oh you wont get it, it's an inside joke."

Score: 38

What's the difference between a school teacher and a train? A school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, a train says choo choo.

Score: 33

A friend pushed me on to some train tracks and said it was a joke. I didn't get it, but then it hit me.

Score: 33

New Train Jokes

What is yellow and deadly if it hits your eye? A train.

Score: 3

I tried to train several baby cows to drink coffee. But only one calf in eight did.

Score: 8

The crab just caught a train... ...from the Crustacean

Score: 6

I was sat across from a screaming child on the train the other day... ... He was so loud I could hear him through my wolf mask.

Score: 3

My mom used to feed my brother and I by saying, “here comes the train”, and we would always eat it right away. Or else she wouldn’t untie us from the tracks.

Score: 4

Why doesn't Kevin Spacey win first place in marathons? He isn't an athlete and doesn't train for marathons

Score: 3

How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a train driver? Ask them to pronounce "unionised".

Score: 9

Why did the Italian miss her train Because it went right Pasta.

Score: 5

How many??? A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

Score: 15

What did the Cult of the Train summon? Choochoolu

Score: 4

How do you stop a run away train? Give it more attention.

Score: 4

A Spanish madman recently bombed a train station... Everybody's saying he had loco motives.

Score: 4

Why was the spanish train engineer being accused of murder? He had a locomotive.

Score: 3

So I met this guy at the train station... who was trying to kill himself. But I knew he was just looking for help, so I put him on the right track.

Score: 17

A lorry carrying a load of tortoises crashed though a railway crossing into a train full of terrapins . What a turtle disaster .

Score: 3

Knock Knock Joke "knock knock"

"who's there?"

"chooch"

"chooch who"

"Did you hear a train go by?"

Score: 3

So I jumped onto the money spending train... ... it's so easy once you accept that time is money!

Score: 4

I once met a drummer who's timing was so bad, he began to get depressed... Eventually, he threw himself behind a train.

Score: 10

Did you hear about the guy with a train station fetish? He got off on the wrong stop.

Score: 6

Did you hear about the Mexican Train Murder? They said he had a loco motive.

Score: 21

I was at the train station. The woman next to me said, "Is the next train from London to Edinburgh?"

I said, "I doubt it. I don't think trains are that long."

Score: 13

On the train today, the guy next to me starts jerking off, and says he's going to blow his load all over my left arm I said, "Sorry buddy, not on MY watch."

Score: 6

A man was just waiting for the train when a woman stops by and asks if she is on the right spot for the hospital. The man tells her that she isn't and that she should probably stand on the rails.

Score: 3

At the train station... Lady: Excuse me Sir, is this my train?

Conductor: No Ma'am, it belongs to the Railway Station Company.

Lady: Don't be funny. What I'm trying to ask is if I can take this train to Busan.

Conductor: No Ma'am, it's too heavy.

Score: 23

What kind of train eats too much? A chew chew train

**AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH**
**AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA**

omg please PM me

I'm so lonely

I need friends

Score: 19

The optimist sees the light in the tunnel, The pessimist sees the darkness in the tunnel, The realist sees the train in the tunnel, The traindriver sees 3 idiots on the railway.

Score: 3

What did the train driver say when he decided to get over his drug addiction? I need to get my life back on track

Score: 3

I tried to graffiti a train today I don't know how some people get such good artwork, I could barely keep up with the cars.

Score: 3

I see your An 8 year old kid told me this joke and raise you a 9 year old told me this joke What's the difference between a train and a teacher?

One says CHOO CHOO CHOO and the other says SPIT OUT YOUR GUM.

Score: 2

What's the key to becoming a good conductor ? Train

Score: 10

Trying to talk to a gorgeous girl ME: \*tries to talk to a girl on train\*

GIRL: \*points to her headphones\*

ME: oh yeah, those are nice! so what's your name?

Score: 22

United Airlines should get into the rail transportation business... ...because they have the longest karma train that I've ever seen.

Score: 7

What do you call a train that carries Jews? A Jew-Jew train.

Score: 3

When I was younger... When I was younger my mother used to feed me by putting food on a spoon, and telling me "the train's coming". I'd always eat it, because if I didn't she wouldn't untie me from the track.

Score: 4

DAD JOKE!! Oh look kids, a train just passed here.
Gee dad how can you tell that?
Well look, you can see it's tracks!!!

Score: 6

I tried to sell my Thomas the Tank Engine train set at an antiques store today. "You would have got more for it if the fat controller wasn't missing." Said the assistant.

"Yeah, you're probably right." I replied. "She's good at haggling."

Score: 6

I like to help people get on track. The train part however, looks like it hurts

Score: 2

Sorry sir A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

Score: 2

Did you hear the one about the train conductor who pled not guilty by insanity? He had a real loco motive

Score: 3

Whats the difference between a school teacher and a train? Teacher says "spit your gum out" and the train goes "chew chew chew"

Score: 4

I got arrested for staring at two women kissing on the train. That's the last time I'll be taking my laptop.

Score: 7

How does a train eat? Chew Chew

Score: 32

Why did the Spanish guy rob a train? He had a *loco*-motive

Score: 4

What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews? Harry Potter rode the train back.

I'm not apologizing.

Score: 8

What do you call a situation where a train wreck is happening right in front of your eyes and you can't do anything about it? Donald Trump

Score: 3

The light at the end of the tunnel, Are the front lights of a train.

Score: 4

How about that train food? It's off the rails

Score: 3

My neighbors dog barks unbelievably loud... ... so I asked him to train his dog to bark at a more believable level.

Score: 10

A pessimist, an optimist and a realist talk about what they see... The pessimist says: "I see a dark tunnel."

The optimist says: "I see light at the end of the tunnel."

The realist says: "I think I see a train!"

The train driver screams: "Three morons on the rails!"

Score: 31

I took my orchestra onto a train one day The conductor was rubbish

Score: 6

I just heard that my ex got a job with the railroad. At least now she'll be paid when she pulls a train.

Score: 4

My buddies and I were running a train on this German girl I had to keep telling her there were only 8 of us.

Score: 14

I want to open a Reserve to breed, arm and train West Lowland Gorillas to fight Jihadists. I'm going to call it Boko Harambe

Score: 10

I used to have a friend who wanted to be run over by a steam train... When he finally was, he was chuffed to bits.

Score: 3

Why is stormtrooper always late from work? He keeps missing his train

Score: 6

My neighbor, an elderly prostitute, adopted a puppy and asked me if I could help train it.

I told her "No sorry, you can't teach an old trick's new dog."

Score: 14

Why do you keep saying flail? Because Fail isn't in my vocabulary.

-------
Overheard on the train.

Score: 2

What does the train use to fuel it's gaming addiction? Steam.

I'm so sorry.

Score: 31

She threw her vibrator on the subway tracks... It didn't work; the train didn't come any faster.

Score: 26

Did you hear about the insane Mexican train saboteur? They say he had some real loco-motives.

(I know, it's pure genius, and totally original.)

Score: 27