Train Jokes

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Funniest Train Jokes

My boss said to me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."

There were 3 blondes walking on a trail... The first blonde said "Those look like deer tracks!"

The second blonde said "No those are totally moose tracks... "

The third blonde said "Nope, they are goat tracks!"

Then a train hit them

My friend told me that I don't understand the meaning of irony... ...which was ironic because we were at a train station

Funny Train Jokes

Did you hear about the Mexican train bomber? He had locomotives.

What is the difference between a teacher and a train? A teacher says "Spit out the gum!"
A train says "Chew! Chew!"

Ye, courtesy of my 8 year old daughter.

Woke up to a blow job earlier. That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open..

A Guy sat next to me on the train and pulled a out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she is beautiful, you should see my missus mate.

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's an optician!"

I've been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I'm getting pissed off.... It keeps asking me, 'Where do you want to go?'
So I click on the icon that says 'Home' and then it makes me start again.

So, I was sitting on a train across from a beautiful Thai girl. And all I could think was "Don't get a boner. Don't get a boner." And then she did.

I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.

My boss told me, "You are the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I replied, "I don't know; it's hard to keep track".

Did you hear about the crazy Mexican train thief? He had loco motives.

I was really embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set. So I quickly threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.

Three blondes found some tracks... The first blonde said, "Those are bear tracks!"

The second blonde said, "No, those are deer tracks!"

The third blonde said, "No those are dog tracks!"

And that was when the train hit them.

The thought of one of my friends catching me playing with my train set is so embarrassing. So I covered the set up with bedsheets. Nobody will find out now, my tracks are covered

What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews? Harry gets to take the train back.

Have you ever heard of the mexican train killer? He had loco motives

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon and say, "There's a train coming. There's a train coming." We'd always eat it because we knew that if we didn't she wouldn't untie us from the railway line.

I asked a train engineer how many times he's derailed the train. He looked at me and said "I honestly don't know... It's hard to keep track".

So, I was on the train yesterday ... ... and this hot Thai girl got on at the next station and took the seat in front of me. I was thinking to myself: "Please don't get a boner, please don't get boner." But she did.

Train driver My boss said to me, “you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?”

I said, “I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track.”

I was sitting on a train yesterday and saw this stunningly beautiful Thai girl. I thought to myself, “Please don’t get an erection, Please don’t get an erection”. But she did.

Saw a beautiful Thai woman on the train today... kept thinking, don't get an erection, don't get an erection, don't get an erection, but then she did.

Hot Thai girl I was sitting opposite a really hot Thai girl on the train this morning.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection, Please don't get an erection."

But she did.

Einstein is on a train leaving New York. He leans over to another passenger and asks, "excuse me, do you know if Boston stops at this train?"

Why did the Mexican train driver kill all of his passengers? I'm not sure, but he must have had a loco motive.

edit: grammar

I was sat on the train opposite a cute Thai girl today and all i could think was "please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection"..... ... But she did.

I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.

Did you hear about the Mexican train hijacker? They say he had locomotives.

Anyone hear about the Mexican train bomber? They say he had loco motives.

My boss said to me, “you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I said, “I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track.”

What's the best thing about going to Auschwitz? Plenty of seats on the train ride home.

How did the train conductor use the insanity defense when she was accused of murder? She claimed she had locomotives.

(I'm sorry.)

My boss said to me. "You're the worst train driver. How many have you derailed this year?" I said " im not sure, its hard to keep track"

An optimist sees the light in the tunnel An optimist sees the light in the tunnel.
A pessimist sees the darkness in the tunnel.
A realist sees the train in the tunnel and the conductor sees 3 idiots on the rails.

I was sitting in the train and across from me was this smoking hot Thai chick "Please don't get an erection...." I thought, "please don't get an erection....".

But she did.

Did you hear about that Mexican train thief? They say he had loco motives.

How many trains have I derailed in all my years as a train driver? It's hard to keep track.

What kind of train is a ballerina? A tutu train!


I thank my 7 year old for this and making me laugh at something so silly.

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New Train Jokes

Did you hear about the Mexican train conductor wanted for murder? The authorities are saying he had loco motives.

Three blondes Three blondes are walking in the forest and stop when they see tracks.
First blonde: those are deer tracks
Second blonde: what? Those are rabbit tracks
Third blonde: you're both crazy, they're bear tracks

Then the train hits them

So Two Blondes are stand on a pair of Tracks So two blondes are standing on a pair of tracks arguing, “They’re deer tracks”, “No They’re Bear Tracks “

Half a Hour a later they get hit by a train

Why did the man touch the electric wires above the tram? Because he was a train conductor

A train gets struck by lightning. There are 2 people on the train - the driver and a lady.

Who dies first to electrocution, provided the driver is a good conductor?

What do you call a bunch of hoes on the subway A train of thot

Sometimes I sit next to random people on the train,strike up a casual conversation then, when the train stops i say "this is where i get off" Then I stick my hand down my pants.

I'm such a bad train operator, I can't even remember how many trains I've derailed. It's hard to keep track.

Train operator Before I was in the service industry I was a train operator. One day my boss told me I was a terrible train operator and asked how many trains I derailed.

I wasn't sure, it's hard to keep track.

A guy sitting next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate!"
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's an optician!"

Two blondes find a set of tracks in the snow. "They're rabbit tracks!" Said Trixie.

"No, silly, they're Bear tracks!" Said Susie.

This went on for a while, until the train hit them.

Loved the Korean zombie movie "Train to Busan" and can't wait for it's sequel to come out? Then catch a train to Wuhan.

A man and a woman were travelling on a train They were in the same cabin


Woman:Every time you smile I feel like inviting you to my place



Man:Awwww.....! Are you single?



Woman:No, I am a dentist

How do you train your kids to stop wetting the bed? Have them use an electric blanket.

My boss said to me, “You are the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year? I said, “I don’t know, it’s hard to keep track.”

A man and a woman are on a train and the woman says, everytime you smile I feel like taking you to my place
Man: Awwwww...you single?
Woman: no I’m a dentist

Mexican train killers scare me. They have loco motives.

Why was the insane train conductor detained? Because he had loco motives.

3 blondes are walking along some tracks. The first one says "hey these are bear tracks!"

The second says "no they are raccoon tracks."

The third says "no, they're deer tracks."

Then the train hit them.

What sound does an organic train make? CH3COOH CH3COOH

What do you call a train carrying bubblegum? A chew-chew train

I tried to train several baby cows to drink coffee. But only one calf in eight did.

A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

I called the local gym asking if they can train me to do gymnastics. They said, "How flexible are you?"




I said, "I'm free Monday, Tuesday, and Friday."

Three blondes are walking around. They suddenly stumble apron some tracks. The first blonde says "those are deer tracks" the send blonde says "those are wolf tracks!" The third blonde says" no, those are bear tracks!" And then the train hit them

Did you hear about the Mexican train conductor who jumped his train off the tracks? The police said he had a loco motive.

Boss : You are the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year? “I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track.”

What did the monster say when he saw a full train during rush hour? "Oh good! A chew, chew train!"

Credit to the attendant at Balaclava Train Station in Melbourne.

"Have a train-tastic Thursday night!"

Three blondes girls were walking in the woods and came upon tracks..... The first one said, "Look, it's deer tracks."

The second one said, "No, it's wolf tracks"

and before the third one could answer, they got hit by a train

If I had a dollar for every time I lost my train of thought... ooh, a dollar!

How do trains eat? They chew-chew.

Also, what did the train do at happy hour?

It chugged.

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?” I answered, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

I've always wanted to be a train engineer. I spent 15 years in engineering school, 10 years learning about train history, and 5 years learning how to operate a train. I really thought I would've been trained by now.

Two mexicans attempted to rob an old train for its parts Authorities say it's a loco motive

What do you call a London subway train full of professors? A tube of smarties.

Whenever I'm down, I always look forward to the light at the end of the tunnel. I really hope it's a train this time.

What's the difference between XXXTentacion and a train? A train is missed when it's gone

What do you call a train full of prostitutes? A train of Thot.

I unexpectedly had a good time today. I was sitting next to a blonde on the train and as my station was coming up I said;

"Please excuse me, I'd like to get off".

I was twenty minutes late for my train this morning. Just so it knows how I feel.

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Long Train Jokes

Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.

They're pretty hungry, do they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED".

The man with the doberman says "I know what to do, just follow my lead." He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in.

The waiter tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs here." The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog."

"A doberman for a guide dog?" The waiter asks, skeptical.

"Yes." The man replies. "Dobermans are very loyal. They're easy to train and protective too. They're born for the job."

The waiter sighs and leads the man to a table.

The second man, excited by this idea, throws on his sunglasses and walks in.

The waiter tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs here." The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog."

"A chihuahua for a guide dog?" The waiter asks.

"A chihuahua?" The man asks. "They gave me a chihuahua?!"

In the light of recent CIA news, here is an old Soviet joke.

Three guys travel in the same room in a long distance sleeper train. One guy is reading a newspaper, while the other two tell political anecdotes. The first guy decides to prank them. He steps out, and orders three cups of tea to be brought in their room in exactly 10 minutes. Then he comes back into the room, sits down and says after 9 minutes:

- You know, you should not really be telling political anecdotes just like that. KGB has every room wiretapped here.

- Come on, it's bullshit. Nothing to worry about - answer the guys.

- No no, KGB really hears everything you are saying. Here, let me show you.

The guys snaps his fingers and says: Comrade Major, three cups of tea, please!

In a few seconds, train staff bring the tea in.

The two guys are totally shocked. They shut up quickly. Soon, all three go to bed.

Next morning the pranker guy wakes up alone in the room. He goes out and asks the train staff, where those two guys went.

- Oh, KGB took them last night.

The guy asks, totally terrified: How come, they let me off?!

The train staff answer: Well, Comrade Major really like your tea prank!

A man sits next to another man on the train and pulls out a photo of his wife “isn’t she beautiful?”

Other man: “If you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife”
First man: “Why? Is she a stunner?”
Other man: “No, she’s an ophthalmologist”

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.

He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.

After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.

The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.

And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.

Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.

Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.

The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.

After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.

And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.

And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.

On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.

The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.

The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

An Arab student studying in Germany wrote a letter to his dad

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser.

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:

My dear loving son,

Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.

Love, your Dad

So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers...

... and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them.

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll be kicked off the train!"

Sure enough, on board the train, they could hear the ticket master in the next car, saying, "Tickets please."

The three engineers ran into the train bathroom and closed the door. The ticket master came in and knocked on the door and said, "Tickets please."

They slipped the ticket under the door and the ticket master moved on.

"That's brilliant!" The mathematicians exclaimed. "We should do that on our way home!"

After the conference ended and they were traveling home the mathematicians all bought one ticket to share between them... and the engineers didn't buy ANY ticket at all!

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "What are they going to do when the ticket master comes through? They'll be kicked off the train."

On the train they soon heard the ticket master in the next car saying, "Tickets please."

All three mathematicians ran into one bathroom and closed the door. All three engineers ran into the other bathroom and closed the door. As soon as both doors were closed, an engineer came out of the bathroom and knocked on the mathematicians door and said, "Tickets please."

Three Russians are sitting together in the train that takes them to the Gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they
accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they
accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."

Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"

"Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of
having a watch from the West."

There was a man in Romania who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Romania who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.

He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.

After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.

The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Romanian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.

And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.

Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.

Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.

The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.

After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.

And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.

And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.

On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.

The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.

The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

Three blondes are walking through a forest

...when they spot tracks on the ground. The first blonde says: "Look, those are deer tracks."
The second blonde looks at them and says: "No you're wrong, those tracks obviously belong to wolves."
The third blonde thinks for a minute and says: "You're both wrong, these are hog tracks, I'm sure."
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

Alabama Pastor

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

There was a man in France who used to drive a train for a living...

There was a man in France who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.

He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.

After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.

The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old france law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.

And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.

Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.

Once again, he caused train to crash, this time killing two people.

The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.

After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.

And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.

And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.

On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.

The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.

The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it I'm just a bad conductor."

Three Irishmen and Three Scots are on a train

Three Scots and three Irishmen are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Irishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three Scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an Irishman.
"Watch and you'll see," answers a Scot.
They all board the train. The Irishmen take their respective seats but all three Scots cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says,"Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Irishmen see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Irishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money,and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Irishman. Watch and you'll see," answers a Scot.
When they board the train the three Irishmen cram into a bathroom and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Scots leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Irishmen are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

A school teacher in Hyderabad was once asked, "Can you make a sentence without using 'E'?"

"I doubt I can. It’s a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It’s as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would I gain? An award? A cash bonus? Bragging rights? Why should I strain my brain? It’s not worth it."

American Soldiers

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.

The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?”

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?”

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”

The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked, railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

“And now, Sir, you’ve thrown the wrong b*itch out the window.”

An Arab student sends an e-mail to his dad, saying:

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.


Your son,
Nasser


The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:

My dear loving son,

Ninety million US Dollars have just been transferred to your account.
Please, stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.

Love,
Your Dad

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

”How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant.

”Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. All of them board the train.

The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.”The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was  a clever idea.So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.

”How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant.

”Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. 

The train departs.Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”

*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

S: "My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter"

T: "No, no, that's 'Sent to meet her'. Okay, try another one. Use 'contagious' in a sentence please"

S: "I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!"

A blonde, a nun, a brit and a french guy in the train...

Four people are sitting in the passenger car of a train. A hot blonde, a nun, a brit and a french guy. The train goes into a tunnel, there's total darkness for a brief moment, and all you can hear is a loud slap. As the train is leaving the tunnel, sunlight lights the scene up, and a confused french is holding his burning red cheek and looking around.
The nun is thinking to herself "This scumbag probably tried to touch the blonde and she slapped him."
The blonde is thinking "That scumbag was probably trying to touch me, touched the nun by accident and she slapped him."
The french guy is thinking "I bet the brit was trying to touch one of them, they thought it was me and slapped me!"
The brit is thinking "Next tunnel, I'm gonna slap him even harder."

A man gets a job as a train conductor...

...for years he’s been great at his job. When the train arrives at the station he blows the whistle to announce the arrival and for the opening of the doors. After everyone gets off and on he, blows the whistle for the closing of the doors and the train departure.

It was a pretty mindless job and one day he was working away, blowing his whistle, the trains came and went, and on one particular train he thought everyone had boarded and he blew the whistle, when an old lady with her dog was still getting on the train. The doors closed and chopped the lady clean in half, killing her.

The man being responsible for this woman’s death was tried in court and found guilty of manslaughter. The sentence was death by the chair. He was placed in a cell until his execution. A few hours before he was to be killed, the warden came to his cell.

“You get one last meal, anything. You name it.”

“Really?” The man said. “Well if I were to have one last meal it would be 50kg of bananas

The warden looked stunned, he wasn’t sure if he heard him right, but the man looked sincere and who was he to deny him this last meal.

So he buys 50kg of bananas and takes them back to the cell. The warden looks in amazement and disgust as the man devours the bananas skin and all.

After stuffing himself and making quite a mess, the man is led to the electric chair. He’s strapped in, and the electrodes attached. The executioner places his hand on the lever “3... 2... 1...” he pulls the lever and grimaces, only to find the man is perfectly fine. He pulls its again, and again but still nothing happens. They check the wires but everything is okay, the man just won’t die.

The warden is stunned “We’ll only an act of God could save you. Clearly you just aren’t meant to die. Your free to go.”

So the man leaves and gets a job as a train conductor. He’s doing the same thing, blowing the whistle for arrivals and departures. The trains come and go when one day all the passengers had gotten on board and he blew his whistle right as a little boy dropped his ball out the doors of the train. He went to retrieve it from the platform when BAM he was caught between the doors and sliced in two.

The man was tried and found guilty of murder, he was sent straight to prison to be executed the next day. He was sitting, stewing in his cell when the warden came along.

“Well it’s your last meal... again, what do you want this time?”

“Well since you’re asking, I’d like 50kg of bananas please.” The man says to the disgruntled warden.

The warden shakes his head and exhales in disbelief. “If you say so.” So he leaves to buy 50kg of bananas.

He returns and gives the bananas to the ravenous man and watches as he lobs them down his throat. To the wardens horror, he’s not even chewing them anymore just chucking them down whole. The man finishes and is taken away to be killed.

The executioner is surprised to see him again. The man is strapped in and attached to the electrodes once again. The executioner grips the handle that will end the mans life and yells “3... 2... 1...” and yanks the lever. Only to his absolute bewilderment, nothing happens. They check the wires, the chair the power and pull again and again but the man remains perfectly fine. By now the warden cannot believe his eyes, but the executioner proclaims “This is an act of God, clearly you are not meant to die, you have been spared yet again and are free to go”

So the man leaves.

And gets a job as a train conductor. He’s blowing his whistle and sending the trains off only this time he’s learnt from his mistakes. He’s intently looking for people every time a train comes and for several months he goes by without killing anyone.

Until one fateful day when he was doing his job and he saw the most beautiful woman he had ever the seen. As she strutted by he whistled and she turned and gave him a wink. Only the train driver heard the whistle and closed the door, crushing a business man, splitting him in twain.

He was seized and sent to court, tried and found guilty of murder for the third time. The judge was done with him and sentenced him to death that day. As he was sitting in his cell once again, the warden came to him.

“50kg of bananas?” He asked the man

“50kg of bananas.” The man replied

The warden walked away, baffled at the events of the past couple of months. He returned with 50kg of bananas and gave them to the man only this time he didn’t finish all the bananas as he had eaten quite a large breakfast. The warden marched him to the electric chair and strapped him in, curious as to what would happen. The executioner is also intrigued as to whether or not the man will cheat death yet again. He grasps the lever and counts down. “3... 2... 1...” he pulls the lever and...

...nothing happens.

The executioner has just given up at this point and says “Well it’s an act of God. Clearly you just aren’t meant to die yet, just promise me you won’t get a job at that damn train company.”

The man makes no promises and walks away, a free man. The warden runs up to him. Panting he asks.

“I have to ask, how have you cheated the electric chair so many times? Is it the bananas?”

Calmly the man replies “No, I’m just a really bad conductor.”

EDIT: This is not my joke, a friend of mine told me this a while ago, I guess on a sub with 13 000 000 people someone has to have read it before, I took the essence of the joke and wrote it how I would like to have heard it so it’s not original but I like to think I added at least something to it.

A young Swedish woman, old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding a train.

A young Swedish woman, **an** old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding **on** a train.

The train goes through a tunnel, it becomes pitch black in the car, and then a loud SMACK is heard.

The train emerges from the tunnel and the Englishman is rubbing his cheek.

The old Dutch woman thinks: "He must have groped the young Swedish woman, and she slapped him."

The young Swedish woman thinks: "He must have tried to grope me, and accidentally got the old woman, and she slapped him."

The Englishman thinks: "The Irishman must have groped the Swedish girl, and she accidentally slapped me."

The Irishman thinks: "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that English guy again."

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