Train Jokes

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Funniest Train Jokes

My boss said to me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."

Score: 11288

There were 3 blondes walking on a trail... The first blonde said "Those look like deer tracks!"

The second blonde said "No those are totally moose tracks... "

The third blonde said "Nope, they are goat tracks!"

Then a train hit them

Score: 1471

My friend told me that I don't understand the meaning of irony... ...which was ironic because we were at a train station

Score: 1186
Funny Train Jokes
Score: 1130

Did you hear about the Mexican train bomber? He had locomotives.

Score: 929

What is the difference between a teacher and a train? A teacher says "Spit out the gum!"
A train says "Chew! Chew!"

Ye, courtesy of my 8 year old daughter.

Score: 817

Woke up to a blow job earlier. That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open..

Score: 781

A Guy sat next to me on the train and pulled a out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she is beautiful, you should see my missus mate.

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's an optician!"

Score: 747

I've been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I'm getting pissed off.... It keeps asking me, 'Where do you want to go?'
So I click on the icon that says 'Home' and then it makes me start again.

Score: 526

So, I was sitting on a train across from a beautiful Thai girl. And all I could think was "Don't get a boner. Don't get a boner." And then she did.

Score: 521

I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.

Score: 484

My boss told me, "You are the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I replied, "I don't know; it's hard to keep track".

Score: 470

Did you hear about the crazy Mexican train thief? He had loco motives.

Score: 463

I was really embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set. So I quickly threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.

Score: 368

Three blondes found some tracks... The first blonde said, "Those are bear tracks!"

The second blonde said, "No, those are deer tracks!"

The third blonde said, "No those are dog tracks!"

And that was when the train hit them.

Score: 332

The thought of one of my friends catching me playing with my train set is so embarrassing. So I covered the set up with bedsheets. Nobody will find out now, my tracks are covered

Score: 312

What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews? Harry gets to take the train back.

Score: 290

Have you ever heard of the mexican train killer? He had loco motives

Score: 286

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon and say, "There's a train coming. There's a train coming." We'd always eat it because we knew that if we didn't she wouldn't untie us from the railway line.

Score: 282

I asked a train engineer how many times he's derailed the train. He looked at me and said "I honestly don't know... It's hard to keep track".

Score: 269

So, I was on the train yesterday ... ... and this hot Thai girl got on at the next station and took the seat in front of me. I was thinking to myself: "Please don't get a boner, please don't get boner." But she did.

Score: 261

Train driver My boss said to me, “you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?”

I said, “I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track.”

Score: 254

I was sitting on a train yesterday and saw this stunningly beautiful Thai girl. I thought to myself, “Please don’t get an erection, Please don’t get an erection”. But she did.

Score: 198

Saw a beautiful Thai woman on the train today... kept thinking, don't get an erection, don't get an erection, don't get an erection, but then she did.

Score: 196

Hot Thai girl I was sitting opposite a really hot Thai girl on the train this morning.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection, Please don't get an erection."

But she did.

Score: 184

Einstein is on a train leaving New York. He leans over to another passenger and asks, "excuse me, do you know if Boston stops at this train?"

Score: 155

Why did the Mexican train driver kill all of his passengers? I'm not sure, but he must have had a loco motive.

edit: grammar

Score: 148

I was sat on the train opposite a cute Thai girl today and all i could think was "please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection"..... ... But she did.

Score: 147

I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.

Score: 146

Did you hear about the Mexican train hijacker? They say he had locomotives.

Score: 146

Anyone hear about the Mexican train bomber? They say he had loco motives.

Score: 123

My boss said to me, “you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I said, “I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track.”

Score: 117

What's the best thing about going to Auschwitz? Plenty of seats on the train ride home.

Score: 113

How did the train conductor use the insanity defense when she was accused of murder? She claimed she had locomotives.

(I'm sorry.)

Score: 100

My boss said to me. "You're the worst train driver. How many have you derailed this year?" I said " im not sure, its hard to keep track"

Score: 98

An optimist sees the light in the tunnel An optimist sees the light in the tunnel.
A pessimist sees the darkness in the tunnel.
A realist sees the train in the tunnel and the conductor sees 3 idiots on the rails.

Score: 98

A pessimist sees only the tunnel. An optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel. A realist thinks the light is probably inside the tunnel. A train driver sees three idiots standing in the middle of the track

Score: 95

I was sitting in the train and across from me was this smoking hot Thai chick "Please don't get an erection...." I thought, "please don't get an erection....".

But she did.

Score: 94

Did you hear about that Mexican train thief? They say he had loco motives.

Score: 93

How many trains have I derailed in all my years as a train driver? It's hard to keep track.

Score: 92

What kind of train is a ballerina? A tutu train!


I thank my 7 year old for this and making me laugh at something so silly.

Score: 92

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New Train Jokes

The schedule there were two train workers. One of them said "why do we need to schedule if the trains are always late."

The other replied "how would you know if they were if there was no schedule"

Score: 3

There once was a double bass player who always had problems with timing. Over time it got him so desperate and frustrated that he... ...threw himself behind a train

Score: 3

I want to train a little person to be a champion of eating competitions. I’ve got him an outfit—but what should I call him? Gnome Chomsky

Score: 1

How did the philosopher commit suicide? He jumped in front of a train of thought.

Score: 2

What do a psycho killer and a train yard have in common? Loco-motive

Score: 1

Did you hear about the Mexican train conductor wanted for murder? The authorities are saying he had loco motives.

Score: 69

Three blondes Three blondes are walking in the forest and stop when they see tracks.
First blonde: those are deer tracks
Second blonde: what? Those are rabbit tracks
Third blonde: you're both crazy, they're bear tracks

Then the train hits them

Score: 28

Why did the train kill a man? It had a loco motive.

Score: 2

Why was the train conductor depressed? He felt like his life was just going in circles.

Score: 5

So Two Blondes are stand on a pair of Tracks So two blondes are standing on a pair of tracks arguing, “They’re deer tracks”, “No They’re Bear Tracks “

Half a Hour a later they get hit by a train

Score: 26

Why did the man touch the electric wires above the tram? Because he was a train conductor

Score: 6

A train gets struck by lightning. There are 2 people on the train - the driver and a lady.

Who dies first to electrocution, provided the driver is a good conductor?

Score: 7

What do you call a bunch of hoes on the subway A train of thot

Score: 13

Saw the ticket inspector on my train ignoring passengers and picking her nose. I reported her for gross missed conduct.

Score: 4

How do you get a lockdown protester off train tracks Cut the rope around him

Score: 2

10 pins were crossing a railway track. Suddenly they saw a train approaching them. 9 pins were able to cross. But the 10th pin couldn't make it and the train went over it. But nothing happened to that pin. Why? Because it was a safety pin!

Score: 1

Sometimes I sit next to random people on the train,strike up a casual conversation then, when the train stops i say "this is where i get off" Then I stick my hand down my pants.

Score: 6

How do you call a conductor in the train with the small stature? Semiconductor

Score: 2

I'm such a bad train operator, I can't even remember how many trains I've derailed. It's hard to keep track.

Score: 54

What do you call a crazy Spanish train driver's reason to commit murder ? A Loco-motive!

Score: 3

Why did the conductor make a terrible train pun? Because he couldnt resist

Score: 1

Driving a train isn't that hard You just gotta train more.

Score: 1

FRENCH bulldog Can someone help train my French bulldog he keeps going oui oui

Score: 2

Have you heard about the train killer? They're still trying to find out his loco-motives

Score: 2

Train operator Before I was in the service industry I was a train operator. One day my boss told me I was a terrible train operator and asked how many trains I derailed.

I wasn't sure, it's hard to keep track.

Score: 6

What do a broken down train and a failed sneeze have in common? There isn't a choo.

Score: 1

A Caucasian woman whispered fearfully when I walked into the train carriage: "Chinese?" I whispered back: "Italian?".

Score: 1

How do you get your dog to like mashed potatoes? You gravy train

Score: 3

I was so embarrassed when my wife saw me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.

Score: 3

Did you hear about the sequel to the movie Train To Busan? It's called..... Flight to Wuhan

Score: 2

A guy sitting next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate!"
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's an optician!"

Score: 56

What is the difference between a utero-rectal fistula and a train load of army backpacks? One is a shunt full of kit.

Score: 1

Who needs guard dogs When you can just tie up and asian and train them to sneeze on intruders

Score: 1

Two blondes find a set of tracks in the snow. "They're rabbit tracks!" Said Trixie.

"No, silly, they're Bear tracks!" Said Susie.

This went on for a while, until the train hit them.

Score: 37

The singer from the band Train has zero siblings. Strike that, he has one sole sister

Score: 4

Loved the Korean zombie movie "Train to Busan" and can't wait for it's sequel to come out? Then catch a train to Wuhan.

Score: 7

What does the train do when it is thirsty? (Using both arms to mimic the circular motion of the coupling rods on the wheels of the train)

Chugga. Chugga. Chugga. Chugga.

Score: 1

From the makers of Train to Busan Plane from Wuhan

Score: 3

A man and a woman were travelling on a train They were in the same cabin


Woman:Every time you smile I feel like inviting you to my place



Man:Awwww.....! Are you single?



Woman:No, I am a dentist

Score: 22

How do you train your kids to stop wetting the bed? Have them use an electric blanket.

Score: 13

Heard a guy was making train jokes They said he had loco-motives

Score: 2

What did the train conducter say to the carriage full of cricket players? Wickets, please!

Score: 2

So i asked my Spanish friend about the crazy pattern on the train "Man that's a locomotive"

Score: 3

How are a train and a bicycle similar? You can't make watermelon juice with none of them.

Score: 2

I tried to train 8 baby cows to drink coffee. But only one calf in eight did.

Score: 2

Here's a joke about a missing locomotive full of concepts and ideas. Dang, I just lost my train of thought.

Score: 4

A random person helped me finish my origami swan one the train today. Thanks for the fold, kind stranger.

Score: 2

A tall guy rushed in front of an elderly woman on the train to take the last seat. The woman shouted, “What a mean guy!” But he was clearly above average

Score: 3

I was singing the song “I’m a Believer” on the train and some lady told me to shut up because she thought it was annoying. I started laughing because I thought she was kidding. But then i saw her face.

Score: 2

My boss said to me, “You are the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year? I said, “I don’t know, it’s hard to keep track.”

Score: 20

Dad, I drive my lamborghini to school but I'm unhappy Text from dad: What's wrong?

Text from son: All the other students take a train

Text from dad: I'm wiring you $10 million, then you can buy a train too.

Score: 3

To the people who took the 10.30am train from London to Manchester, Could you please bring it back, thanks.

Score: 2

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel. An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel. A realist sees a freight train. The train driver sees three idiots
standing on the track.

Score: 5

When is a laugh track not funny? When you ride a train over it

Score: 1

A Latino gang member has received poor customer service at the railway station, so he vandalised one of the train engines in revenge. It was a loco motive.

Score: 4

Never trust a train conductor! They all have loco motives.

Score: 5

What does a fat train say? A chubba chubba chew chew

Score: 1

A man and a woman are on a train and the woman says, everytime you smile I feel like taking you to my place
Man: Awwwww...you single?
Woman: no I’m a dentist

Score: 6

I made a train pun but it was horrible Now I have to cover up my tracks.

Score: 2

Mexican train killers scare me. They have loco motives.

Score: 13

3 hunters walking in the woods 3 hunters are in the woods and come across a set of tracks.

Hunter 1: I think those are deer tracks!

Hunter 2: No no, those are Moose tracks!

Hunter 3: No guys, those are definitely bear tracks!

Then the train came.

Score: 1

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