Retirement Jokes

What do mathematicians call retirement? Aftermath

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Funny Retirement Jokes
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Did you hear about the serial killer who was coming out of retirement? He's taking another stab at it.

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Senior year of high school is a lot like a retirement home... You don't work anymore, you hate everyone who's younger than you, and in a few months, all of your old friends will be dead to you.

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My dad said this at his retirement... he is a former principal "I remember a time when Harass was two words.

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My overweight boss asked me to roast him at his retirement party.. I told him that as a lifelong Muslim, I was forbidden from consuming pork.

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Why did Spiderman open a retirement account? He wanted to turn his Spidey cents into Spidey dollars.

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What do retirement homes smell like? Depends.

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Adrian Peterson just announced his retirement from the NFL and will be joining the Minnesota Twins as a switch hitter.

(Sorry, news was too depressing not to joke about it)

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Unfortunate sign in discount warehouse near a retirement community: Shop till you drop!

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a pervert calls a retirement home an old lady picks up.

he starts directly "hey granny guess what i am holding in my hand ? "
granny replies " oh if it fits in one hand only then i am not interested "

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Why is everyone always telling me to invest in a retirement program? If I have them rotated every 6000 miles like I'm supposed to I shouldn't have to re-tire in the first place.

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I had a name idea for a retirement home Last Resort.

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What has a hundred eyes but only 2 teeth? A retirement home

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I think retirement can lead to senility. Because after my Grandpa quit working at the Federal Mint, he just stopped making cents.

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Two catholic priests are discussing their colleague's retirement. "It's strange", says one priest.

"How so?, asked the other.

The first priest replies, "Well ever since Arthur left his church, the choirboys haven't been able to sing as high."

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What do you call a dog that wisely saves money for retirement? A 401(K-9).

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A set of gold chains would be a great retirement gift.. For a really good slave.

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My grandma just asked me, "Son, what's your retirement plan?" I said, "It's you."

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If I had a dollar for every millennial that complained about how much we baby boomers took from them... ...I wouldn't need their money to pay for my retirement and healthcare.

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What do you call it when you run a second marathon? Retirement.

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While married to Rose, we acquired house, cars, jewelry, retirement accounts. And with the divorce, everything is coming up *ROSE's*!!

I have no idea how my first submission of this came to be flaired "Religion"... so I deleted it.

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I got kicked out of a retirement home today Apparently “Get down before being put down” is not an acceptable name for a dance event.

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Dave from my work retired today, at his retirement party he stepped out for a cigarette and I noticed every body called him Scarecrow, I asked why; Turns out he was outstanding in the field

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What did the priest say to the retirement home worker? “I know what you mean. Children aren’t very fast either.”

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My family and I put my grandma in a retirement home Because we didn't know what to do with her body

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Why did a retirement center worker not wear a mask? They hoped for an early retirement.

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How do dogs save for retirement? With a Ruff IRA.

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I asked my mother to get me a coke "What's the magic word?" She asked
"Retirement home"

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How do Jedi plan for retirement? With a Hoth IRA.

I'll see myself out.

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A guy sent his wife to India after she retired He heard they have cow retirement centers there.

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What do you call a baby boomer who didn’t save enough for retirement and had to return to work? A boomerang!

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What have 70 teeths and 2 eyes? -An alligator.



Now what have 2 teeths and 70 eyes?



-A retirement home.

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Did you know ISIS has really good retirement package? I've heard it's the bomb.

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Why are all the plants at the retirement home made of silk and plastic? Because everything that stays there just ends up dying.

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Why don't highways save in retirement accounts? They rarely go above 70 and it is illegal!

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What did the kidnapper say to the retirement home owner Thanks for the old, kind, stranger!

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In observance of Lent this year, I am giving up spectator sports, concerts or any large gatherings... And for all my future Lents, I am giving up on retirement.

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