What do mathematicians call retirement? Aftermath
Did you hear about the serial killer who was coming out of retirement? He's taking another stab at it.
Senior year of high school is a lot like a retirement home... You don't work anymore, you hate everyone who's younger than you, and in a few months, all of your old friends will be dead to you.
My dad said this at his retirement... he is a former principal "I remember a time when Harass was two words.
My overweight boss asked me to roast him at his retirement party.. I told him that as a lifelong Muslim, I was forbidden from consuming pork.
Why did Spiderman open a retirement account? He wanted to turn his Spidey cents into Spidey dollars.
What do retirement homes smell like? Depends.
Adrian Peterson just announced his retirement from the NFL
and will be joining the Minnesota Twins as a switch hitter.
(Sorry, news was too depressing not to joke about it)
Unfortunate sign in discount warehouse near a retirement community: Shop till you drop!
a pervert calls a retirement home
an old lady picks up.
he starts directly "hey granny guess what i am holding in my hand ? "
granny replies " oh if it fits in one hand only then i am not interested "
Why is everyone always telling me to invest in a retirement program? If I have them rotated every 6000 miles like I'm supposed to I shouldn't have to re-tire in the first place.
I had a name idea for a retirement home Last Resort.
What has a hundred eyes but only 2 teeth? A retirement home
I think retirement can lead to senility. Because after my Grandpa quit working at the Federal Mint, he just stopped making cents.
Two catholic priests are discussing their colleague's retirement.
"It's strange", says one priest.
"How so?, asked the other.
The first priest replies, "Well ever since Arthur left his church, the choirboys haven't been able to sing as high."
What do you call a dog that wisely saves money for retirement? A 401(K-9).
A set of gold chains would be a great retirement gift.. For a really good slave.
My grandma just asked me, "Son, what's your retirement plan?" I said, "It's you."
If I had a dollar for every millennial that complained about how much we baby boomers took from them... ...I wouldn't need their money to pay for my retirement and healthcare.
What do you call it when you run a second marathon? Retirement.
While married to Rose, we acquired house, cars, jewelry, retirement accounts. And with the divorce,
everything is coming up *ROSE's*!!
I have no idea how my first submission of this came to be flaired "Religion"... so I deleted it.
I got kicked out of a retirement home today Apparently “Get down before being put down” is not an acceptable name for a dance event.
Dave from my work retired today, at his retirement party he stepped out for a cigarette and I noticed every body called him Scarecrow, I asked why; Turns out he was outstanding in the field
What did the priest say to the retirement home worker? “I know what you mean. Children aren’t very fast either.”
My family and I put my grandma in a retirement home Because we didn't know what to do with her body
Why did a retirement center worker not wear a mask? They hoped for an early retirement.
How do dogs save for retirement? With a Ruff IRA.
I asked my mother to get me a coke
"What's the magic word?" She asked
How do Jedi plan for retirement?
With a Hoth IRA.
I'll see myself out.
A guy sent his wife to India after she retired He heard they have cow retirement centers there.
Apparently George Lucas got tired of retirement
These days he's working on a new Internet Protocol, specifically for delivering Chinese food.
He's calling it eWok.
What did the kidnapper say to the retirement home owner Thanks for the old, kind, stranger!
Some software developers were deciding on a retirement gift for a co-worker and decided to give him something reminiscent of all the work he'd done over the years. They treated him to a spaghetti dinner.
Just got some good news from my financial planner ...she told me I'd only have to keep working 3 years after I die to afford my retirement.
Why don't highways save in retirement accounts? They rarely go above 70 and it is illegal!
In observance of Lent this year, I am giving up spectator sports, concerts or any large gatherings... And for all my future Lents, I am giving up on retirement.