Trump Jokes

Contents

Funniest Trump Jokes

"You're telling me that I'm losing my job because Donald Trump won the election? WHY, BECAUSE I'M BLACK?!" "Mister President, we've been over this..."

Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for He said 'Genius'

When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

Edit: *Alleged* contribution of $1 million. Also, thank you kind gilder

What do Apple and Donald Trump have in common? I would say that they both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs, but I shouldn't compare apples to oranges.

Funny Trump Jokes

The problem with Trump jokes: Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes.

The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters So Trump can't tweet it

Donald Trump - "I'm not orange!" "Impeach."

Donald Trump has decided to take just $1 as his salary for the job of the President instead of the usual 400,000. That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.

What do Donald Trump & the iPhone 7 have in common? They both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs.

If Donald Trump becomes President I'm going to Mexico. Not by choice though.

Donald Trump was asked what the J stood for in Donald J Trump He said "Genius"

If Trump played DnD, what weapon would he use? Fire staff

If I were American, I'd vote Bernie... But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump

After the UN summit, it was really shameful to see so many people basically openly mocking a mentally challenged child. Though to be fair, Trump probably had it coming.

Not everything Donald Trump says is stupid. The Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago - and they still don't have any Mexicans!

Why does Trump take Xanax? For Hispanic attacks

Hitler died in 1945, Donald Trump was born in 1946... Coincidence? No.

Mystery? Maybe.

Hotel? Trivago.

Donald Trump just turned 73 which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.

It's going to be easy for Trump to build that wall... ... everyone's shitting bricks everywhere

What is the difference between Russia and reality? Trump had connections with Russia.

Did you hear about the mime that hung himself at the Trump rally? He's fine -- fake noose.

Donald Trump is the next President but... The biggest winner is Melania Trump. She can now call herself The First Lady instead of The Third Wife.

So Donald Trump walks into a bar... and lowers it

Why did Donald Trump take Xanax For Hispanic attacks

Why can't Donald Trump be hung for treason? Fake Noose

What does the J in Donald J Trump stand for? Genius

A conversation with god about Trump John (while writing Revelations): "So Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?"

God: "No... I said Trump/Pence."

John: Yeah, trumpets.

God: "Never mind. They'll know."

Why did Donald Trump marry an immigrant? Once again, immigrants are doing the jobs no American want to do.

Donald Trump is not a rapist. He's an "alternative romantic."

Donald Trump said if I voted for Hillary Clinton I'd have a President constantly under Federal investigation. I did and we do.

I wish I had Trump as a teacher. Citations would be easy

"You know it, I know it, everyone knows it"

The problem with Trump jokes Republicans don't think they are funny, and Democrats don't think they are jokes.

Trump says to Pence, "China's mining too many ores" Pence: What are you going to do?
Trump: Order more tariffs to make them mine less.
Pence: Mine fewer.
Trump: Shhh, don't call me that yet.

People compare Trump and hitler all the time, but there is one major difference. Hitler was good at making speeches

Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese. He wants to make America grate again.

Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election? Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.

I'm sick of people comparing Trump to Hitler. Hitler wrote his own book.

If Donald Trump and Mike Pence were on a stranded island, who would survive? The United States of America

If Donald Trump wants to destroy North Korea... Perhaps he should move there and become their leader.

Popular Topics

New Trump Jokes

What's the difference between Donald Trump and Barack Obama? One gets made fun of for the color of his skin, and the other is Barack Obama!

Trump and Pense at a press briefing. Trump: “if we tested less, we’d have less cases”.
Pense: “fewer”
Trump: “I told you not to call me that in public”.

Donald Trump walks into a bar ......
and set it lower

Please stop calling Donald Trump an idiot. As an idiot myself, it's very offensive that people think he's one of us.

Donald Trump and Joe Biden are on a plane heading straight towards a volcano. Who survives? The United States of America.

TRUMP IS NOT MY PRESIDENT Neither was Obama. Actually I live in India.

How is Donald Trump like a jack-o-lantern? They are both orange, round and should be thrown out in early November.

So President Trump wants to abolish the two term limit on the Presidency. Welcome back President Obama we missed you.

So President Trump got into his Bunker because of the Riots. As a german Guy I can say from experience that from this moment its not getting any better.

Steve Jobs would've made a better president than Donald Trump But that's comparing apples to oranges

Hey, is your refrigerator running? Good. I'd vote for it over Trump or Biden any day.

What is the difference between a Joe Biden speech and a Donald Trump speech? When Biden is speaking you wonder if he's had a stroke.

When Trump is speaking you wonder if you've had a stroke.

It shouldn't be surprising our first black president was elected prior to Trump It's always darkest before Don

Cheap oil, no immigration and no school shootings. Corona did what Trump promised

Little Boy: Daddy I want to be like president Trump when i grow up! Dad: "Well pick one son, you can't do both"

What's the difference between Joe Biden and Donald Trump? When Joe Biden speaks, you wonder if he's had a stroke.

When Donald Trump speaks, you wonder if you've had a stroke.

Experts say Donald Trump been setting an outstanding example during the Covid-19 outbreak 28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands

How does Trump differ from terrorist organisations? Terrorist organisations take responsibility for their actions.

What does it take to turn a Trump supporter into a socialist? $1,200

Did you hear about the Trump supporter’s failed suicide attempt? Fake noose.

What does it take to turn a Trump Supporter into a socialist? $1,000

There have been countless people criticizing Donald Trump for his delayed reaction to the Novel Coronavirus Probably could have gotten things going a lot quicker with a picturebook Coronavirus

TRUMP IS NOT MY PRESIDENT! Because I live in Pakistan.

The Trump administration just announced ... ... no gatherings of 10 or more people.

Once again they found another way to separate Mexican families.

Trump says he’s a self-made man. I think it’s decent of him to take the blame.

Wouldn’t it be ironic if Trump was brought down By a virus from China , named after a Mexican beer?

Why didn’t congress impeach Trump ? Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

You guys want to hear my Trump impression? I never said I had a Trump impression.

Someone threw a beer at President Trump during last nights National Championship Game. It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.

Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for He said “Genius”

What does the "J" in Donald J. Trump stand for? "Jenius"

Donald Trump – “I’m not orange!” “Impeach.”

Everyone thinks that Canadians hate Trump It's Trudeau

Why was Melania so excited when Donald Trump became president Because she can call herself the first lady instead of the third wife

Could you imagine if trump actually moved the files from govt servers to a private server? That would be Hillaryous.

What do you get when you cross Donald Trump and Bill Clinton? Murdered in a jail cell.

How do you get Donald Trump to change a light bulb? You tell him it was put there by Obama.

Trump is nothing like Hitler There’s no way he could write a book.

I don’t know why people expect to find aliens in Area 51 Trump would have deported them by now!

What has 50 pairs of eyes but only three teeth? The front row at a Trump rally.

Popular Topics

Long Trump Jokes

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

Edit: Yes, yes MILLIONS. I wasn't sure if those sources were true or not when I posted.

Also, the spam from the Trump people is great. I feel like I'm on the *real* internet.

Don't Read If You're A Trump Supporter

A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, “I want to be President one day.”
Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?”

The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?" asked Trump

"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.

The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."

The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”

Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope slapped him.

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Boris Johnson in here, would you?"

The Prime Minster walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Boris. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, he answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. “ Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, Pence ran in to his friend Jack Murphy in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, "Jack, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Jack Murphy answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!"

Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle: It's my friend Jack Murphy!"

Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you idiot! It's Boris Johnson!"

If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic

Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic:

There isn't any iceberg.
There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean.
The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.
There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg.
We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be repaired very shortly.
The iceberg is a Chinese iceberg.
We are taking on water but every passenger who wants a lifeboat can get a lifeboat, and they are beautiful lifeboats.
Look, passengers need to ask nicely for the lifeboats if they want them.
We don't have any lifeboats, we're not lifeboat distributors.
Passengers should have planned for icebergs and brought their own lifeboats.
I really don't think we need that many lifeboats.
We have lifeboats and they're supposed to be our lifeboats, not the passengers' lifeboats.
The lifeboats were left on shore by the last captain of this ship.
Nobody could have foreseen the iceberg.

Edit: Thanks to those that awarded and enjoyed this. I didn’t know so many people would like it this much!

The Pope and Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"

Trump replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope slapped him

So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop...

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.

Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:

370HSSV - 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI

No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its meaning, FBI finally asked MSS (Ministry of State Security in China for help.

Within a few seconds MSS cabled back with this reply:

"Tell The President he's holding the message upside down."

Trump and Obama getting haircut is same barbershop

Donald Trump and Barack Obama end up in the same barbershop As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse." The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?" Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challenge given and goes first. She notices the swamp barely reaches her ankles and thinks ‚Well, that‘s what you get for lying. At least, I did it for a better Europe.‘

Curious about how the others are doing, she looks behind her and sees Putin covered in mud up to his knees. Furiously, she shouts: ‚This is impossible! Your reign was a dictatorship, you influenced world politics and economics to your benefit and you’ve achieved all that only by telling lies. How is it possible you‘re only knee-deep in this swamp?‘

Calmly, Putin answers: ‚Hush! I‘m standing on top of Donald and he hasen‘t noticed yet.‘

Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!” The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.

Trump hollers “Well dammit, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!”

The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.

Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says: “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?”

Trump says “Give me the bad news first.”

The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine.”

Trump says “Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what’s the really bad news?”

The officer replies “Well, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”

Donald Trump and Barak Obama end up in the same barbershop

Donald Trump and Barak Obama end up in the same barbershop
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?"
Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.

The trump family is flying from New York to DC

Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"

EDIT: Thank you for the gold!!

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, carefully puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little problem..."

He describes the situation and Putin promises to look into it. After a few minutes Putin calls back.

"He should be fine now. It was our fault, sorry. We accidetnally sent him instructions meant for our lunar lander."

The Pope, Donald Trump, Angela Merkel, and a third grade child are flying on a small plane.

The pilot, Captain Heelspurs, runs into trouble and realizes they’re going to crash. He races to the cabin, grabs a parachute, and bails, hollering, “There are three parachutes left. You guys are on your own.”

Angela Merkel says, “Since I’m the leader of the free world now, I need to survive.” She takes a parachute and exits the plane.

Donald Trump says, “Well, I’m the smartest man in the world, so I get a parachute too,” and off he goes.

The Pope tells the third grader, “Don’t worry, my child. I’ve lived a long and miraculous life. You take the parachute, and I’ll go down with the plane.”

“That’s okay, sir,” says the child. “There are still two parachutes left. The world’s smartest man just jumped out of the plane wearing my backpack.”

On the last day of Barack's presidency, he and Donald Trump go to the same barbershop to get their hair done.

On the last day of Barack's presidency, he and Donald Trump go to the same barbershop to get their hair done.

Barbers decide not to talk about politics, and everybody ends up not talking at all. The air is so tense. it could be almost cut with the barber's knife.

Donald's hair gets finished first, and when the barber tries to apply some cologne to it, Donald goes nuts "Are you out of your mind? I can't go to my house smelling like I've been in a brothel. Melania would go crazy".

Right at that point the other barber finishes doing Barack's hair and goes, "So Mr. President, I guess you won't like cologne either?"

"I don't have a problem with that", says Barack with half smile on his face; "Michelle doesn't know what a brothel smells like."

Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?"

Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, your majesty?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence.

"Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall.

Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?

General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster."

Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"

2 Trump Supporters go to heaven

St. Peter greets them at the Pearly gates and asks if there is anything in the universe they'd like to know before meeting God. The fist guy asks, "What was really in Hillary's emails?"
"Nothing incriminating really", replies St. Peter.
The other guy turns and whispers, "Wow, this goes higher than we thought."

A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.

Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse"
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"
'I'm sorry" he said "I meant to shout "Donald, duck"

Popular Topics