Football Jokes

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Funniest Football Jokes

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team? A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

Funny Football Jokes

Losing my virginity was like my first football game. It hurt a lot but at least my dad came.

I saw a billboard the other day for a sports team called the Chicago Fire. it made me wonder just how long it takes before you can name a team after a tragedy.

it'd be like naming a football team "the New York Jets."

How do you get a football player to stop resisting arrest? Sing the national anthem

What does the average Alabama football player get on his SATs? Drool

The England Football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday.. "It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.

How many hearts can the Belgium football team break at once? About a brazilian...

If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.

What's Al Qaeda's favourite football team? The New York Jets

What's the aim of a Jewish football match? Getting the quarterback.

Why don't any American football players wear glasses? Because it is a contact sport!

The reason women don't play football The reason women don't play football is that eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Why was Cinderella kicked out of the football team? She ran away from the ball.

The England football team went to visit an orphanage in Russia this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Anatoly, aged 6.

Did you hear about the baby ghost who joined the football team? He heard the coach say they needed a little team spirit.

Britons vs. Americans Americans:
It's Mom not Mum
It's Chips not Crisps
It's Fries not Chips
It's Color not Colour
It's Soccer not Football
It's Football not Rugby

Britons:
It's School not Shooting Range.

Got this joke off of a yogurt pack... Why are football stadiums so windy? 'This is not labelled for individual sales'


I know, I dont get it either...

Before my buddy died I asked him if there was football in heaven. A few days later I saw his ghost. He said

"Good news, there is. Bad news, you're playing in goal tomorrow."

What happens to football players who go blind? They become referees

Football joke How do you keep the St. Louis Rams off of your lawn?

Paint an endzone on it.

what's al qaeda's favorite football team? The New York Jets

Did you hear about the Football player that went to Prison? He went in as a tight end, but left a wide receiver.

Yesterday I was playing football for the first time in a year after suffering from a serious illness. "You've still got it!" said somebody in the crowd.

Unfortunately it was the doctor with my latest test results.

I used to play football for Jerry Sandusky. I started out as a tight end but finished the season as a wide receiver.

How do you set fire to a football stadium? With a match.

What is Al-Qaeda’s favorite football team? The New York Jets

Why is it so hot in a stadium after a football game? Because all the fans have left.

I, someday, want to make an edgy football joke on this sub. It's my goal post.

The full time football result is in:
Real Madrid - 4... Surreal Madrid - fish

What's Taliban's favorite football team? The New York Jets.

It's sad really, Texas has two professional football teams, But Oklahoma doesn't have any.

I vote we move the Redskins there.

I left three notes scattered around the house for my girlfriend. I left three notes scattered around the house for my girlfriend. They say Will You and Me That will keep her busy whilst I watch football on TV.

Did you hear about the football player who went to jail? He went in a tight end and came out a wide receiver.

How do you tell if someone is jewish at a football game? They leave after the coin toss

Why aren't there many female football teams? Because you can't convince 11 women to wear the same clothes

My first high school football game was a lot like losing my virginity I was bloody and sore by the end of it, but atleast my dad came.

A football team should setup a charity that gives presents to children with Down Syndrome ...and call it Touch Downs.

The difference between football and my father? Football's coming home

Why is Spain so good at football (soccer)? Because no one expects the Spanish in position!

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New Football Jokes

What's the difference between Cinderella and the Scotland football team? Cinderella wanted to get to the ball.

My barbershop started a football team. They’ve got a great line up.

I'm starting a new business where I host parties for football players Just trying to make ends meet

Why do politicians always finish a football match with golden goal? They believe in first past the post

What do you call two nuns and a prostitute playing football ? Two tight ends and a wide receiver

I was going to make a joke about the Spanish capital... ... maybe about their football team.

But what's the point? The Real Madrid joke will be in the comments.

Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man soup in a plate? Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.

What do you call a white guy with 5 black guys Basketball Coach.

What do you call a white guy with 10 black guys, football coach

What do you call a white guy with 250 black guys?
Warden

What is the object of American football played by really cheap people? Get the quarter back.

2 football players are in a bar One walks up to the other and says hey, wanna shot?
The other says: Il pass

I can play football really well Because I am very messy!

Sorry.

Why can't football players wear glasses? Because it's a contact sport

I was confused, when a football kept getting bigger and bigger.... And that's when it hit me.

Why is the football stadium so windy? Because of all the fans.

Why was the tiny ghost asked to join the football team? They needed a little team spirit.

What's the difference between English tea and the English football team? You can find English tea in a cup.

What happened to the football player who went to prison? He used to be a tight end, but now he's a wide receiver.

What does NFL football and the Bachelor have in common? Both involve a bunch of people fighting over some balls and a ring

How do football players stay cool? By standing close to the fans

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with acting like a Football coach. In my defence, I have the ‘85 Chicago Beats.

Where’s the best place in America to shop for a football kit? New Jersey!

How did Scrooge win the football match? The Ghost of Christmas passed.

Did you hear about the leper who tried out for American college football team? Started as a fullback, then was a halfback and ended up a quarterback.

Why do football teams keep using wide receivers? If they want to get through the holes, shouldn’t they use narrow receivers?

A while ago my dad was playing football with a dwarf Long story short my dads in jail for assult

I started watching football (soccer) because I could see it’s very relevant to my life... Little to no goals.

The last time I played tackle football without pads l broke three ribs and a collar bone. Fortunately, none of them were mine.

My ex broke up with me ‘cause she said I cared more about football than her. I was gutted, we’d been going steady for about 5 seasons.

I used to have the body of a football player. Unfortunately I had to get rid of the evidence.

Why did the football team go to the bank? To get their quarterback

What is American football called in other countries? 30.48 cm ball

Why doesn't Columbus Ohio have a professional football team? Because then Cincinnati and Cleveland would want one too.

Go gurt go! Ok. So one time I had this friend named Gurtesnes. I couldn't pronounce his name right so I called him Gurt. He was a football player so I went to one of his games, I saw him and yelled... GO GURT GO!

Why are Spain such a good football team? Because no one ever expects The Spanish Inposition!

What’s Al Qaida’s favourite football team? New York Jets

If the Colts' QB was on your fantasy football roster You're officially out of Luck this season.

If you already drafted Andrew for your fantasy football team You're out of Luck.

I become somewhat excited at my son's high school football games. One night, when he made a particularly good tackle, I punched the person next to me and loudly proclaimed, "That's my son who made that tackle!"

"I know," she replied quietly. "He's my son too."

Stupid people are sure on themselves A football player tells his son:
\-You know, smart people are always full of doubts while stupid ones are very sure on themselves.
\-Really, dad?
\-Absolutely.

Today's football results: Real Madrid: 1
Imaginary Madrid: √-1

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Long Football Jokes

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're on the team for this Saturday's match!"

A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club for his birthday.

At the club, the doorman says, "Hi Jim, how are you?"

The wife asks, "How does he know you?"

Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him."

Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?"

Jim says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts team."

Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do you crave the special again?"

The Wife storms out dragging Jim with her & jumps into a taxi. The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy boy! You picked up an ugly one this time..."



Jim's Funeral is on Sunday!!!

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The Coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team. But then his quarterback got blindsided and was out for the season with a knee injury. Then his backup went down with a concussion. He tried the trading route, free agents, but nobody any good was available.

One evening while watching the news from Iraq, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with an amazing arm. The soldier rifled a grenade on a perfect arc into a 4th story window from 100 yards, bam!

He tossed another directly into a tight group of 12 enemy fighters 80 yards away, ka-bam! Then a humvee passed, going 60 kph, boom! Another perfect shot!

Coach said to himself, “I got to have this guy. He’s got the best arm I’ve ever seen!”

He tracks him down and convinces him to come to Detroit. The kid takes coaching perfectly, makes all the plays, and long story short, the Lions win the Super Bowl.

The Iraqi is now the Conquering Hero in pro football, and a huge story. But when the broadcast team tries to interview him, all he wants is to phone his mom.

“Mother,” he yells over the phone, “We just won the Super Bowl!”

“Don’t talk to me,” the woman says. “You abandoned us. You can’t be my son.”

The young Iraqi begs, “Mom, you don’t understand! Our team won the biggest game here in the U.S. Thousands of fans are screaming for me. The U.S. President is going to call me!”

“I don’t care,” his mother snaps. “Right now I can hear gunshots everywhere. Our block is like a ruin. Your brothers were beaten half to death last night, and your sister was nearly raped.”

Then she says, "I can never forgive you for making us move to Detroit.

Pavlov's birds

An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.

Court Ruling from the UK

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

A couple is going through a divorce and custody of the son comes into question.

The father presents evidence that the wife hits the poor boy whenever he misbehaves the slightest. The mother reveals evidence that the father would get belligerently drunk and use his belt on the boy.

The Judge suggests letting the boy live with his grandfather, but it turns out that almost everyone in this twisted family has a history of domestic violence. Not wanting to subject the poor boy to a life of physical punishment, the court decided to take a recess to brainstorm what to do with the son. The court eventually comes to a historic and unprecedented conclusion:

The boy would be in custody of the England national football team because they're incapable of beating anyone.

Smart first grader

A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student isn’t hepped-up about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?”

“Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student.

“Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?”

“Then I’d be a football fan.”

A horse walks into a bar...

...and orders a beer. The bartender is in shock, an actual horse just walked into his bar, sat down at the bar like a person, and ordered a beer in perfect English. He tells the horse,

"I'm sorry sir, I just have to go speak to my manager for a moment."

So the bartender goes to the back, and explains the situation to his manager. The manager thinks for a moment and then says to the bartender,

"Okay look, this is a bar so go ahead and serve that horse a beer. However considering he's a horse, he probably doesn't know how much beer costs, so go ahead and charge him $50 for it."

The bartender shrugs and goes back to the front, where the horse is still sitting, visibly watching football on the TV. The bartender gets to the bar and asks the horse,

"Okay, what'll you have?"

The horse turns back around and says,

"Gimme an IPA"

So the bartender pours him an IPA, and slides the beer across to him. He then slowly slides the $50 check across the bar to the horse. The horse picks up the check with his hooves, passively looks at it, pulls out his credit card, slowly slides it and the check back, and then calmly goes back to watching the game as he laps his beer. Now the bartender is still confused, the situation is difficult to get his head around, but he doesn't want to risk offending a 1000lb horse by asking the wrong questions. So he opts to start some small talk and says to the horse,

"You know, we don't really have too many horses coming in here."

The horse slowly, impassively turns back around to face the bartender and replies,

"You know with prices like these I'm not surprised."

A wife took her husband to a strip club as a birthday treat.

The doorman greeted them, "Hi Jim! How are you?"

"How does he know you?" asked the wife. "Oh dear, I play football with him," said Jim.

Inside, the bartender asked, "Hello Jim! The usual?"

Jim turned to his wife. "Before you say anything, he and I are on the darts team."

Then a stripper walked up to them. "Hi Jim! You craving the Special again?" she giggled.

The wife had enough and stormed out, dragging Jim along and pulling him into a taxi with her.

The cab driver turned around. "Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up a butt ugly one this time ..."

Jim's funeral is on Saturday.

Smart Boy

In a Store a man asked for 1/2 packet of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only full packs were available in the Store,

but the man insisted on buying only 1/2.

So the boy went inside to the manager’s room and said “An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 pack of butter”.

To his surprise, the customer was standing right behind him..!

So the boy added immediately, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half!!!!!!”.

After the customer left, the manager said “You have saved your position by being clever enough at the right time. Where do you come from?”

To this the boy said, “I come from Brazil. The place consists of only prostitutes and football players!!!!!”

The manager replied coldly, “My wife is also from Brazil “.

To this the boy asked excitedly, “Oh yeah? Which team does she play for?”

A Mexican man sneaks across the border to watch his favorite football team play...

...and makes it all the way to the stadium. He doesn't have tickets so he finds a large pole to climb up on and jumps down into the top of the bleachers to get a bird-eye view of the game.

After the game was over and his buddies ask him how the game was back in Mexico he replies:

"I don't know why you all don't think Americans are nice. As soon as I sat down everyone turned around, looked at me, and started singing 'Jose, can you see?'"

A joke my grandmother, of all people, told me when I was a kid.

I don't know how many of y'all have heard this joke, but here it goes.

Two guys were at a University of Georgia football game when one of them looks down at the Georgia Bulldog sidelines and sees Uga, the school mascot, licking himself like dogs like to do. The guy smiles, leans over to his buddy while pointing at Uga and says, "Man, I wish I could do that". His friend looks back at him in surprise and says, "Man, that dog would bite you!"

An airplane was about to crash...

There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said, "I am Cristiano Ronaldo, the best Football player. Real Madrid and my millions of fans need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America's "smartest President" took my schoolbag."

A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

A man takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game

A man takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over he asks if she had a good time. She replied “yes that was fun, but I don’t understand why they do all of that for 25 cents”. The man, puzzled, asks “what do you mean?” To which the blonde replied “well the game started with a coin toss, and afterward they just ran around hitting each other screaming get the quarterback! get the quarterback!”

Never panic, there's always a solution

In a store in US, a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the Store, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.

So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter".

To his surprise, the customer was standing right behind him.

So the boy added immediately, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half".

After the customer left, the manager said "You have saved your position by being clever enough at the right time. Where do you come from?"

To this the boy said, "I come from Brazil. The place consists of only prostitutes and football players!"

The manager replied coldly, "My wife is also from Brazil!!".

To this the boy asked excitedly, "Oh yeah? Which team does she play for?"

Football with a blonde girlfriend

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

90,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 20 or 25 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 90,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 90,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 40 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 90,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 90,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: 'What the #@!* are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

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