Football Jokes

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Funniest Football Jokes

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team? A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

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Funny Football Jokes
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Losing my virginity was like my first football game. It hurt a lot but at least my dad came.

Score: 597

I saw a billboard the other day for a sports team called the Chicago Fire. it made me wonder just how long it takes before you can name a team after a tragedy.

it'd be like naming a football team "the New York Jets."

Score: 237

How do you get a football player to stop resisting arrest? Sing the national anthem

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What does the average Alabama football player get on his SATs? Drool

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The England Football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday.. "It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.

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How many hearts can the Belgium football team break at once? About a brazilian...

Score: 119

If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.

Score: 99

What's Al Qaeda's favourite football team? The New York Jets

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What's the aim of a Jewish football match? Getting the quarterback.

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Why don't any American football players wear glasses? Because it is a contact sport!

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The reason women don't play football The reason women don't play football is that eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

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Why was Cinderella kicked out of the football team? She ran away from the ball.

Score: 42

The England football team went to visit an orphanage in Russia this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Anatoly, aged 6.

Score: 41

Did you hear about the baby ghost who joined the football team? He heard the coach say they needed a little team spirit.

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Britons vs. Americans Americans:
It's Mom not Mum
It's Chips not Crisps
It's Fries not Chips
It's Color not Colour
It's Soccer not Football
It's Football not Rugby

Britons:
It's School not Shooting Range.

Score: 36

Got this joke off of a yogurt pack... Why are football stadiums so windy? 'This is not labelled for individual sales'


I know, I dont get it either...

Score: 35

Before my buddy died I asked him if there was football in heaven. A few days later I saw his ghost. He said

"Good news, there is. Bad news, you're playing in goal tomorrow."

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What happens to football players who go blind? They become referees

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Football joke How do you keep the St. Louis Rams off of your lawn?

Paint an endzone on it.

Score: 30

what's al qaeda's favorite football team? The New York Jets

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Did you hear about the Football player that went to Prison? He went in as a tight end, but left a wide receiver.

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Yesterday I was playing football for the first time in a year after suffering from a serious illness. "You've still got it!" said somebody in the crowd.

Unfortunately it was the doctor with my latest test results.

Score: 28

I used to play football for Jerry Sandusky. I started out as a tight end but finished the season as a wide receiver.

Score: 28

How do you set fire to a football stadium? With a match.

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What is Al-Qaeda’s favorite football team? The New York Jets

Score: 27

Why is it so hot in a stadium after a football game? Because all the fans have left.

Score: 26

I, someday, want to make an edgy football joke on this sub. It's my goal post.

Score: 26

The full time football result is in:
Real Madrid - 4... Surreal Madrid - fish

Score: 24

What's Taliban's favorite football team? The New York Jets.

Score: 20

It's sad really, Texas has two professional football teams, But Oklahoma doesn't have any.

I vote we move the Redskins there.

Score: 20

I left three notes scattered around the house for my girlfriend. I left three notes scattered around the house for my girlfriend. They say Will You and Me That will keep her busy whilst I watch football on TV.

Score: 20

Did you hear about the football player who went to jail? He went in a tight end and came out a wide receiver.

Score: 18

How do you tell if someone is jewish at a football game? They leave after the coin toss

Score: 18

Why aren't there many female football teams? Because you can't convince 11 women to wear the same clothes

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My first high school football game was a lot like losing my virginity I was bloody and sore by the end of it, but atleast my dad came.

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A football team should setup a charity that gives presents to children with Down Syndrome ...and call it Touch Downs.

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The difference between football and my father? Football's coming home

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Why is Spain so good at football (soccer)? Because no one expects the Spanish in position!

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Patient: Doctor every night i see ants playing football Doctor: It's okay take these pills
Patient: No way tomorrow is the final

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New Football Jokes

We need to rename the football team in Washington And it needs to be a name that represents and exemplifies equality for skins of all color. Therefore, I propose the team from here on out be called the Washington Foreskins.

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The Washington pro football team picked out the perfect new name for the team, the Opossums. They are good at home... But get killed on the road.

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What's the difference between Cinderella and the Scotland football team? Cinderella wanted to get to the ball.

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My barbershop started a football team. They’ve got a great line up.

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What's common between my child's losing football team and the current government? " Stop criticising, they're doing their best"

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I'm starting a new business where I host parties for football players Just trying to make ends meet

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Why are football stadiums all around the world really hot right now? All the fans are at home.

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How did 50Cent's football team do last season? 51

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Why do politicians always finish a football match with golden goal? They believe in first past the post

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What do you call two nuns and a prostitute playing football ? Two tight ends and a wide receiver

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I was going to make a joke about the Spanish capital... ... maybe about their football team.

But what's the point? The Real Madrid joke will be in the comments.

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Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man soup in a plate? Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.

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What do you call a white guy with 5 black guys Basketball Coach.

What do you call a white guy with 10 black guys, football coach

What do you call a white guy with 250 black guys?
Warden

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What is the object of American football played by really cheap people? Get the quarter back.

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2 football players are in a bar One walks up to the other and says hey, wanna shot?
The other says: Il pass

Score: 5

I can play football really well Because I am very messy!

Sorry.

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Why can't football players wear glasses? Because it's a contact sport

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Why doesn’t Greece have an American football team ? They ran out of tight ends

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I was confused, when a football kept getting bigger and bigger.... And that's when it hit me.

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Did you hear about the football referee who used a record player to finish the game? He called the vinyl whistle

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Why is the football stadium so windy? Because of all the fans.

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All English elite football has been postponed until April 3rd due to corona virus So I guess it'll just be Tottenham vs Arsenal for the next few weeks.

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Why was the tiny ghost asked to join the football team? They needed a little team spirit.

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Football is easily the gayest sport It’s a bunch of guys going balls deep into each other’s end zones.

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What's the difference between English tea and the English football team? You can find English tea in a cup.

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Did you know that Charles Darwin invented association football and American handegg? He was trying to institute natural selection.

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What do you call a vagrant football player? Patrick Mahomeless

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What happened to the football player who went to prison? He used to be a tight end, but now he's a wide receiver.

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What do you call a football player without a helmet? A touchdown.

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What does NFL football and the Bachelor have in common? Both involve a bunch of people fighting over some balls and a ring

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Why couldn’t the all-star football player listen to music? Because he broke all the records.

Score: 1

How do football players stay cool? By standing close to the fans

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Do you know why a football stadium is so cool? Because every seats have fan in them.
Ohmygod Google assistant is so funny.

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What American Football team is Amazon most likely to sponsor? The Packers!

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What is Osama Bin Laden’s favourite football team? The New York Jets. 🤣😂

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My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with acting like a Football coach. In my defence, I have the ‘85 Chicago Beats.

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Where’s the best place in America to shop for a football kit? New Jersey!

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It rained so hard at the football game That the coach sent me in as a sub

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A football coach went to the grocery store He overpaid for his groceries by $0.25, and asks the cashier for his quarterback

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How did Scrooge win the football match? The Ghost of Christmas passed.

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Did you hear about the leper who tried out for American college football team? Started as a fullback, then was a halfback and ended up a quarterback.

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Why do football teams keep using wide receivers? If they want to get through the holes, shouldn’t they use narrow receivers?

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A while ago my dad was playing football with a dwarf Long story short my dads in jail for assult

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I started watching football (soccer) because I could see it’s very relevant to my life... Little to no goals.

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The last time I played tackle football without pads l broke three ribs and a collar bone. Fortunately, none of them were mine.

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My wife laughed when I got out of the shower and I said I still had the body of a teenage football player. Until she checked the deep freeze.

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My ex broke up with me ‘cause she said I cared more about football than her. I was gutted, we’d been going steady for about 5 seasons.

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I used to have the body of a football player. Unfortunately I had to get rid of the evidence.

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Thanksgiving is coming up, which means it's time for my whole family to get together and start arguing about the blacks I just want to watch football in peace; I wish they'd shut up about the whole "plasma vs QLED TV" debate.

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Did you guys know that on football teams in China, the snapper is one of the most highly coveted, and highest paid positions on the team? Once you find your center, you are sure to win

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Why did the football team go to the bank? To get their quarterback

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What is American football called in other countries? 30.48 cm ball

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What do the colors in the Portuguese flag stand for? Green: towels.

Red: women with moustaches

Black: the best football player in the world

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Why doesn't Columbus Ohio have a professional football team? Because then Cincinnati and Cleveland would want one too.

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Go gurt go! Ok. So one time I had this friend named Gurtesnes. I couldn't pronounce his name right so I called him Gurt. He was a football player so I went to one of his games, I saw him and yelled... GO GURT GO!

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Why are Spain such a good football team? Because no one ever expects The Spanish Inposition!

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What’s Al Qaida’s favourite football team? New York Jets

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If the Colts' QB was on your fantasy football roster You're officially out of Luck this season.

Score: 4

If you already drafted Andrew for your fantasy football team You're out of Luck.

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I become somewhat excited at my son's high school football games. One night, when he made a particularly good tackle, I punched the person next to me and loudly proclaimed, "That's my son who made that tackle!"

"I know," she replied quietly. "He's my son too."

Score: 2

Wife: Do you love football more than me? Husband: Open your legs and I'll show you...

Wife: [ Gets nutmegged!!! ]

Score: 1

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