Alien Jokes

Contents

Funniest Alien Jokes

What do you call a fight between an immigrant an a priest? Alien vs. predator.

What do you call a fight between a Mexican and a white man with no girlfriend? Alien vs Redditor

What's it called when an illegal immigrant and a child molester get in a fist fight? Alien VS predator

What do you call an illegal immigrant and a catholic priest fighting? Alien VS Predator

What do you call a Mexican fighting a Priest? (slightly offensive) Alien vs. Predator

Funny Alien Jokes

What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life? Alien versus Redditor.

What's the difference between an illegal alien and E.T.? E.T. learned English and went home.

What do you call an illegal immigrant vs. a child molester? Alien vs. Predator.

My girlfriend found one of my puns so funny that she flew into space and told it to an alien. Unfortunately, the alien didn't laugh. Personally, I think she took the joke a bit too far.

What do you call a fight between a Mexican and Jared Fogle? Alien vs Predator.

What do you call an alien with three balls? An extrateressticle

What do you call a Mexican fighting a Catholic priest? Alien vs. Predator

What do you call a fight between an illegal immigrant and a pastor? Alien vs. Predator

What do you call a fight between a Mexican and a priest? Alien vs predator

How do you advertise a boxing match between a Hispanic construction worker, and a Catholic priest. Alien vs predator

A Mexican got into a fistfight with a priest the other day. Talk about alien vs predator!

What do you call a mexican and a priest fighting? Alien vs predator

What do you call a mexican fighting a priest... Alien Vs Predator

What do you call an illegal immigrant fighting a child rapist? Alien vs Predator

What do you call it when a Mexican and a priest are fighting? Alien vs predator

An alien asked me to take him to my leader... ...so do I take him to the president, my wife, or my cat???

What do you call an Alien with three eyes? Aliiien!

What do you call an Illegal immigrant fistfighting a child molester? Alien vs. Predator.

I heard there's a new movie coming out where an illegal immigrant turns vigilante and battles a child molester... They're calling it Alien vs Predator.

What do you call a boxing match between a Mexican and a priest? Alien vs. Predator

If Bill Cosby rapes an immigrant... Is it Alien Vs Predator?

What do you call a fight between an immigrant and a priest ? Alien Vs. Predator

What would you call a war between Area 51 and the Catholic Church? Alien vs Predator

What you call a fight between a Mexican and a Priest? Alien vs Predator

What do you call it when an immigrant walks into a Catholic Church? Alien vs Predator (this is my son’s joke)

I hear they made a movie about an illegal immigrant who beats up a child abuser. Alien vs Predator

Why don't we have any alien visitors in our solar system? I googled it and found the reason...

It's rated only '1 star' out there.

An astronaut and an alien walk into a space bar... The astronaut doesn't say anything to the alien.

The alien doesn't say anything to the astronaut.

Alien 1: The dominant life form on planet earth have developed satellite based nuclear weapons. Alien 2: Are they an emerging intelligence?

Alien 1: I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves.

What does an alien use to pay for coffee? Starbucks

What do you you call a film about an illegal immigrant fighting a child molester? Alien vs. Predator

Illegal immigrant vs. Child molester If and illegal immigrant fought a child molester, would it be considered alien vs. predator?

What did the alien say to the glass of water? Take me to your liter.

What Do You Call A Fight Between An Illegal Immigrant And A Child Molester? Alien vs. Predator

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New Alien Jokes

I was going to have an alien character in my next book that was a thinly veiled racist caricature but they told me it would be plaijarjarism

What does ET stand for? The alien national anthem

Did you hear about that alien race that got destroyed by a giant asteroid? They had a technological solution but it would take at least 12-18 months to deploy.

What do you call a cross between a political ethicist, a wizard and an alien ? GhandAlf

The Man In Black was talking to an Alien in a coffee shop. He asks, "what kind of currency does Space use?"
The Alien points to the cup of coffee and said, "Starbucks"

Alien 1:- "How did all the earthlings die?" Alien 2:- "They used so much toilet paper that they wiped themselves off."

Two aliens are talking about a desolate planet Earth... The first alien asks : " How did all the humans die?"

The second alien says : "They used so much toilet paper they wiped themselves out."

Aliens came down to Earth, One Alien to another: “Yeah they’re all dead, but have you seen how clean there asses are?”

What are the similarities between alien movies and school? They are usually shot in America.

An alien walks into a bar It is a spacebar

What happened to the alien that couldn’t find his way home He got lost in the saucer

When alien bacteria arrived on Earth via meteor strikes, what was the first thing it did? Colonize.

Why did the alien came out of the closet? Because the truth is out there.

Whats the difference between an alien and a teenager that’s home alone? One comes in peace.

The other cums in peace.

Two aliens having a conversation. Alien 1: (pointing at earth) Why are they celebrating?

Alien 2: Their planet completed one revolution around a star.

A1: I told you they aren't as intelligent as we think.

What do you call an Immigrant fighting a rapist? Alien vs. Predator

Bigfoot, a ghost and an alien walk into a bar. Bigfoot, a ghost and an alien walk into a bar.

BF- Stomp! Stomp!
Gh- " Boo! "
BF- Stomp! Stomp!
Gh- " Boo! "
Al- "We will, We will Rock You!"

Date: What do you do for a living? Me: I am an investment banker by day, but an alien hunter by night.

Date: Silly you, there are no aliens.

Me: You're welcome!

Why do aliens refuse to destroy churches in movies? Because the Davis Entertainment Company still Owens the right to Alien vs Predator

Want to clap some alien cheeks? The Border Patrol is hiring.

I found an alien at Area 51 that couldn't stop swearing! It was an extratourretestrial.

What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.

What do you call an alien in Walmart? A Walmartian

What do you call an alien with only one eye? What do you call an alien with only one eye?
Alen

(My nephew helped me make this joke up many years ago,
we know the spelling is wrong.)

An alien landed near an opera house Walked inside and spoke to the concierge.

"Take me to your lieder"

What did the alien paramedic say? Take me to your bleeder.

What did the weeb say, when he saw an alien spaceship fly across the sky? "Look! A UWO!"

I don’t understand Area 51 memes There so alien to me

If they made a movie about the Area 51 raid, it wold be called Alien vs Redditor

Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.

I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."

What did the alien say to the coke bottle? Take me to your liter

A man dressed up as an alien at the Area 51 Raid. The FBI showed up and said,
"GET BACK IN YOUR CHAMBER!"

We stormed Area 51 and found an alien He’s name is Juan, they found him at the border.

What do you call a Hispanic and a Priest fighting? Alien vs. Predator

I saw a little Mexican kid get dragged into a white van Talk about Alien Vs Predator

An alien civilization has spotted us. Now they live in constant fear.

I wasn’t really a fan of this alien parasite... But it’s starting to grow on me

What do you call a movie about an illegal immigrant fighting a priest? Alien VS Predator

What do you call a Mexican and a priest? Alien vs Predator

You guys hear they’re making a Predator vs Alien 3 sequel? It’s just 2 hours of a Cardinal chasing around 3 immigrant children.

I’m not sure if I like the new direction the series is going. Too many face huggers.

Popular Topics

Long Alien Jokes

A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

The broom swept the nation away.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france? There was nothing but des brie.

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.

I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.

What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.

What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.

How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.

The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.

What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.

What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.

Sausage puns are the wurst.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

How did Darth Vader know what luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence.

Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.

What’s the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue? You can’t tune a bench but you can tuna fish. I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part.

What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.

Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.

Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.

Why did the man dig a hole in his neighbor’s backyard and fill it with water? Because he meant well.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen.

What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.

What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.

What kind of car does a sheep drive? A lamborghini, but if that breaks down they drive their SuBAHHru.

What do you call a spanish pig? Porque.

What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline.

Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak.

A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head.

How do trees access the internet? They log on.

Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.

Out in space two alien life forms are speaking with each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."
The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves."

Edit: Well thanks for all the votes and the gold!!!!!!!

In space, two aliens are talking to each other

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

In space, two aliens are talking to each other very closely

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

Intelligent life?

In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves."

Out in space, two alien life forms are speaking with each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet appear to have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves."

Three Aliens are discussing the fate of earth.

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to subjugate them. We need to kill the rest before they kill more of us!"

"Our losses are precisely why we can't kill them all," said the second. "The cost of this invasion was more than any of us could have predicted! We need to enslave them! Have them harvest their own planet for us so we can recoup our losses."

Yet a third had another idea. "We could transport them back home and sell them to the zoos! People would pay dearly to see these them".

The first two vetoed the third. Shipping that number of people half way across the galaxy was too much, they must stay where they were, dead or alive.

This went on for several months with neither of the three able to convince the two. A compromise was finally reached - the humans would be enslaved, but public executions would take place first, to keep them in line. Some few would be taken home and sold to the zoos.

The alien leaders flew down to earth and arrived at the first of the compounds where the humans were being kept. They announced their plan to enslave the humans. As was expected, there was anger from the crowd. Several started shouting and making obscene gestures. Those were pointed out to the alien guards and brought to the front were they were executed in the most horrific way.

They flew to another camp and the process was repeated. Several humans raised their hands and haves them in obscene ways and those were executed, the rest enslaved.

They visited several camps and finally reached the last one, their task almost complete. They announced the plan one last time and again the humans raised their hands in anger. The alien leaders pointed them out one at a time.

"What's that one doing," said the first alien. "He isn't shaking his fist list the others."

"It almost looks like he's waving," said the second Alien.

"Let me see," said the third Alien. "Wow! I don't believe it."

"What?" Asked the second Alien.

"It's Dave!"

Out in space, 2 aliens are talking to eachother...

The first alien says, *"The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."*

The second alien asks, *"Are they an emerging intelligence?"*

The first alien responds, *"Hmm...I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"*

So aliens flew by our planet recently and one asked the other...

Alien 1 How advanced is that civilization?

Alien 2 They have discovered nuclear technology.

Alien 1 Oh boy... That's pretty intelligent. We better keep our distance then from their missles.

Alien 2 Nah, they're not that smart yet. They have em pointed at themselves.

An alien mothership is scouting planet Earth.

Alien Scout: “Sir, the Humans appear to possess massive military capabilities, nuclear weapons included.”

Alien Commander: “This is problematic, are they really such an intelligent species?”

Alien Scout: “Apparently not Sir, they appear to have them pointed at themselves.”

One night a guy was walking alone down the street.

When suddenly he feels someone touching him on his back. so he looks back but doesn't see anyone, so he continues walking and yet again he feels the same feeling so he looks back and doesn't see anyone, but he looks a little below and sees a very short alien!

The guy surprised says : wow! are you an alien ?

The alien responds : yes I just arrived at earth nice to meet you.

guy : nice to meet you too! I've always wanted to meet an alien and I have many questions, like how do you see ?

alien : with our antennas

guy : and how do you smell or hear ?

alien : with our developed ears, we hear and smell with them at the same time

guy : and how do you reproduce ?

alien : we impregnate other species by touching them twice on the back.

An alien walks into a human brain shop

Vendor: Welcome, unfortunately we are very limited on brains right now and there are only 2 available.

Alien: I'll take a look.

Vendor: Well, here's the brain of Albert Einstein. He was very intelligent and was the reason behind much of human science. This is priced at $2. Here is the brain of someone who has watched every single "Keeping up with the Kardashians" episodes ever. It's listed at $200.

Alien: Woah, you're trying to rip me off. Why is the brain of someone that dumb worth so much?

Vendor: Simple, because this brain hasn't been used before.

So a man walks into a donut shop on Dagobah...

And he sees a little green alien behind the counter. He asks for a hot donut.

The alien says, "Broken, our fryer is. Yesterday's donuts, I can sell you. Also, donut ingredients, we still have."

But the man is really craving a warm donut, so he asks, "Are you absolutely sure I can't get a freshly-made donut?"

"Only two options have you!" says the alien. "Dough or donut - there is no fry."

Texas hunting rules

A Californian and an Texan were deer hunting in the brush of south Texas when an illegal alien runs across a clearing. The Texan takes careful aim, shoots and kills him.  "You can't do that!" cried the Californian.

 "It's legal here in Texas" replies the Texan.

 Later that night the Californian goes to town to buy some beer from Walmart. He puts the beer on the roof of his truck, and while he's making room behind the seat, an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away. The Californian draws his pistol, shoots, and kills him.

 As he is retrieving his beer the police come and arrest him. "But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Texas!" protests the Californian.

 "Well, yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."

The World Expert on Wasps

A man was walking down a quiet street, when something caught his eye in the window of a charity shop. He wandered over to take a closer look, then smiled to himself, nodded, and entered the shop.

He walked up to the counter and said to the man serving there, "Is that record in the window really a copy of Wasp Noises of the World?"

"It most certainly is," said the shopkeeper.

"Excellent," said the man from the street. "I have searched for that record for a great many years. You see, I am the world's leading expert on wasps. I have written books on their habits, diets, stripe patterns and social structures, but what truly fascinates me is the noises they make. That record in the window is famous in the world of wasp study as the most accurate documentation of wasp noises in the world, and I haven't managed to acquire a copy until now."

"Well, this is your lucky day," the shopkeeper said. "I'll have it out of the window and bagged up for you right away."

"Hold on now," said the world expert on wasps. "It's a very old record, it may have distorted or been damaged, in which case it would be no use to me. I see you have a gramophone back there. Would you mind playing me a sample so I can be sure it's in good working order?"

The shopkeeper, grumbling to himself about how picky this customer was, set up the gramophone, retrieved Wasp Noises of the World from the window display, and placed the needle on the record, which began to play.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZzzzZzZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZ

The world expert on wasps lifted the needle off the record with a confused look on his face. "Now, this is most unusual," he said. "I am the world's foremost expert on wasps, and yet this wasp noise is entirely unfamiliar to me. Can you play me another, in case this part of the record is damaged?"

The shopkeeper moved the needle on a bit, and placed it back on the record.

ZzZzZzZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzZ

The world expert on wasps lifted thee needle again, looking extremely perplexed. "Something very strange is going on here," he muttered. "I am the world expert on wasps. No-one alive knows more about wasps than I do. And yet, once again, I do not recognize this wasp noise at all. Can you play me one more, to be certain?"

Again, thee shopkeeper mover the needle on, and again, the record played.

zzzZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZzZzZzzZZzzZZZZzz

The world expert on wasps snatched the needle off the record, with a look of borderline panic on his face. "Something is definitely wrong with this record!" he exclaimed. "I am the greatest expert on wasps alive, nay, that has ever lived. No part of the life of the wasp is unknown to me. And yet, three times, this copy of Wasp Noises of the World has produced a wasp noise entirely alien to me. It cannot be that there are species of wasp whose noises have been recorded that I am not aware of. I would have been informed, consulted by the discoverers. Surely this record must be damaged. Would you inspect it for any signs?"

The shopkeeper, feeling distinctly put out by now, lifted up the record and examined it closely, at which point a knowing smile spread across his face.

"What is it?" asked the world expert on wasps. "Is the record damaged?"

"No," said the shopkeeper. "Nothing like that."

"Then what can possibly be going on?" asked the world expert on wasps. "I am acquainted with the noises of every species of wasp on the planet, and yet I don't recognize any of the ones you have played to me."

"Well," said the shopkeeper, "That's probably because it was playing the bee side."

Alien abduction

Harry, Bill, and Steve are siting at the corner bar, when Ted walks in looking distressed. "Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.
Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk and was abducted by an alien." Everyone is shocked. Bill asks, "What did the alien do to you?" "All I remember is being anally probed." Ted says. Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that." Says Harry. "What did the alien look like?" Ted responds, "Steve."

Alien overlords are discussing the fate of Earth citizens.

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to subjugate them. We need to kill the rest before they kill more of us!"

"Our losses are precisely why we can't kill them all," said the second. "The cost of this invasion was more than any of us could have predicted! We need to enslave them! Have them harvest their own planet for us so we can recoup our losses."

Yet a third had another idea. "We could transport them back home and sell them to the zoos! People would pay dearly to see these them".

The first two vetoed the third. Shipping that number of people half way across the galaxy was too much, they must stay where they were, dead or alive.

This went on for several months with neither of the three able to convince the two. A compromise was finally reached - the humans would be enslaved, but public executions would take place first, to keep them in line. Some few would be taken home and sold to the zoos.

The alien leaders flew down to earth and arrived at the first of the compounds where the humans were being kept. They announced their plan to enslave the humans. As was expected, there was anger from the crowd. Several started shouting and making obscene gestures. Those were pointed out to the alien guards and brought to the front were they were executed in the most horrific way.

They flew to another camp and the process was repeated. Several humans raised their hands and haves them in obscene ways and those were executed, the rest enslaved.

They visited several camps and finally reached the last one, their task almost complete. They announced the plan one last time and again the humans raised their hands in anger. The alien leaders pointed them out one at a time.

"What's that one doing," said the first alien. "He isn't shaking his fist list the others."

"It almost looks like he's waving," said the second Alien.

"Let me see," said the third Alien. "Wow! I don't believe it."

"What?" Asked the second Alien.

"It's Dave!"

Two aliens are speaking with each other in outer space, inspecting Earth

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons".

The second alien looks at the first and inquires, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien replies, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves.

A punny list

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

The broom swept the nation away.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france? There was nothing but des brie.

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.

I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.

What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.

What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.

How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.

The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.

What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.

What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.

Sausage puns are the wurst.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

How did Darth Vader know what luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence.

Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.

What’s the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue? You can’t tune a bench but you can tuna fish. I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part.

What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.

Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.

Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.

Why did the man dig a hole in his neighbor’s backyard and fill it with water? Because he meant well.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen.

What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.

What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.

What kind of car does a sheep drive? A lamborghini, but if that breaks down they drive their SuBAHHru.

What do you call a spanish pig? Porque.

What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline.

Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak.

A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head.

How do trees access the internet? They log on.

Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.

Close Encounters

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, “I'd calm down if I were you.”

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be a slight by the arrogant Earthling, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!”

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, “You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.”

“Rubbish,” replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

“What a ferocious creature!” exclaimed the young, fried alien. “He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?”

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, “If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his johnson around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.”

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