Russian Jokes


Funniest Russian Jokes

If I were American, I'd vote Bernie... But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump

Score: 11629

Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids... In one ear, out the other.

Score: 10514

I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids... In one ear, out the other!

Score: 10434

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online. But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

Score: 9316
Funny Russian Jokes
Score: 2340

A German joke from 1944 How do you tell an Optimist German from a Pessimist German? The Optimist studies English, while the Pessimist studies Russian.

Score: 2274

Hey Baby, are you russian? Because you seem to be influencing my erection.

*Full Disclosure: Someone else made this as a snarky comment on a politics subreddit and I realized it would make a good joke*

Score: 1370

I'm being attacked by Russian hackers! Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day.

Score: 1203

A Russian named Rudolf woke up one morning He looked out the window and announced, _"It's raining."_

His wife said, _"No dear, it's sleeting."_

He replied, _"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."_

Score: 805

5 out of 6 scientists say… …that Russian roulette is safe.

Score: 764

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board:

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

Score: 632

What do you call a Russian that enjoys programming? Computin.

Score: 632

The American military should really be worried... Russian technology is a decade ahead of them at the moment.

Score: 561

What is Donald Trumps favourite type of clothing Russian Ties

Score: 510

A conman, a mentally handicapped person, and a Russian spy walk into a bar And the bartender asks, "What will it be, Mr. President?"

Score: 389

Why did the CIA torture the Russian wasp? Because he was a cagey bee agent.

Score: 381

How can you spot the rank of a Russian? By the stripes on his Adidas jumpsuit.

Score: 353

My dad is a professional Russian roulette player. He only lost once.

Score: 340

My grandfather was a legendary Russian roulette player He only ever lost once

Score: 293

My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.

Score: 289

I really don't like russian dolls... They are so full of themselves.

Score: 281

Russian computer: "Enter password" Me: "Beef stew"

Russian computer: "Password not stroganoff"

Score: 277

A Russian is travelling to Poland... and he is stopped to be checked by an officer.

"Name?" the officer asked.

"Vlad Dobrynin," the man answered.




"No, no, just visiting."

Score: 251

If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian... then soviet

Score: 235

My Russian wife wouldn't even teach me how to say hello in her language She says it's private.

Score: 229

You know why I hate Russian dolls? They're so full of themselves

Score: 217

A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar And that was just the first guy

Score: 187

My russian boyfriend only writes in lowercase letters... He doesn't like Capitalism

Score: 181

What does a Russian woman say to stop her husband from abusing her? Vladislov, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more...

I'm sorry..

Score: 177

I really hate those russian stacking dolls. They are so full of themselves.

Score: 174

What's the Russian word for no Wi-Fi? Interniet

Score: 153

Why are Russian automobiles the most unreliable? They're always Stalin

Score: 132

What type of clothing does Trump have a secret collection of? Russian ties.

Score: 121

Inside every Russian woman… …is another, much smaller, Russian woman.

Score: 108

A Russian spy, a Klansman, and televangelist walk into a bar. Bartender says, "Sorry. Republican Convention is next door."

Score: 105

What's all the fuss about Donald Trump's Russian Ties? I know for a fact that all his Ties are made in China.

Score: 101

A Russian visiting America A RUSSIAN visiting America, went for an eye check-up.
The doctor shows him the letters on the board: CZWVNQSTAZKY
Doctor: Can you read this?
Russian: Read? I even know the guy. He's my cousin!

Score: 94

His cousin A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board: CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

Score: 87

What's the difference between 9gag and a Russian sauna? One is full of male steam, the other is full of stale memes.

Score: 82

Russia's Three Steps to Homework Step 1. Putin it off

Step 2. Stalin

Step 3. Russian to finish

Score: 81

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New Russian Jokes

I have a friend who is a Russian sounds engineer And a Czech one too

Score: 32

Upvotes are like a Russian tank turret. More protection, less depression.

Score: 22

The three most arguably important historical revolutions: The Russian, the French, and dance dance

Score: 9

Saw a documentary on Russian roulette It was mind blowing.

Score: 61

What is a Jewish, a Black and a Russian man waiting outside a brothel for? The Black man is waiting for the light to turn green, the Jew is waiting for the prices to drop and the Russian is waiting for his wife.

Score: 7

I hired a Russian chauffeur the other day... his name was Pikup Andropov

Score: 79

what do a russian say when the internet goes down? Internyet

Score: 47

Russian Elections Ministry of Russian election announcement: Elections of Vladimir Putin will commence as planned in 2018.

Score: 14

Where's Russian milk coming from? Moscows

Score: 66

What do you call a Russian cow covered in grass? Moscow!

Score: 38

What's a Russian emperors favorite fish? *CZAR-DINES*

Score: 10

What is the one thing that Azhikelyamov Rozhdestvenskij learned in his career? That nobody reads long Russian names.

Score: 7

If pronouncing B's as V's makes me Russian.. ..then Soviet

Score: 57

Experiment made by Russian scientist Vazilikyev Karaazuruvsky reveals shocking information Nobody reads Russian names

Score: 10

A Russian Goes For His Eye Examination The doctor places an eye chart before him and asks if he can recognize what's written.

The Russian: Are you kidding me? That's my cousin's name

Score: 34

You can always tell when a chef is Russian. They never put thyme into the dish!

Score: 7

What nationality are you when you walk into the bathroom? Russian.

What nationality are you while you're in the bathroom?


What nationality are you when you walk out of the bathroom?


Score: 51

What do you call a Russian Get-together after 50 years? A soviet re-union.

Score: 11

What do you get when you cross the Russian Mob with the Italian Mafia? Killed.

Score: 8

Why do the Politsiya (Russian federal agency) always go around in groups of three? One can read, one can write, and one keeps an eye on the two dangerous intellectuals.

Score: 45

A spy, an adulterer, and a guy who launders money for the Russian mob walk into a bar... The bartender says "What'll it be, Mr. President?"

Score: 60

What are you when you're going to the bathroom? Russian. What are you when you're in the bathroom?

Score: 13

A lot of people keep saying to me Trump cheated the election. Well, honestly we shouldn't be Russian to collusion's.

Score: 15

Did you hear about the politician who sold American weed to Russian spies? He was convicted of high treason.

Score: 8

I hate Russian dolls.. So full of themself.

Score: 38

1/6 russian roulette players Finds russian roulette mind blowing.

Score: 36

I seriously hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.

Score: 46

I think Putin woke up late today I saw him Russian to work

Score: 54

What is the sign for a U-turn in Finland? "You are approaching the Russian border."

Score: 37

A Russian hooker is knocking all night long on Trump's door... In the morning, he was tired of it, so he let her out.

Score: 11

I went to the bar today and asked the bartender to make me an Orange Cheeto... "I've never heard of that," he replies.

"Well, nobody really knows what it's made of," I reply, "but I've heard it's heavily influenced by a White Russian."

Score: 28

What nationality are you in the bathroom? I bet your Russian to the bathroom but in there European.

Score: 13

What do you call the Russian version of The Beatles "Let It Be"? So Be It.

Score: 11

What did Trump say to the Russian Hooker? Yer an eight.

Score: 11

Why shouldn't you wear Russian underwear? Chernobyl fallout.

Score: 11

If you're Russian to the bathroom, but American when you come out, what are when you're inside the bathroom? European.

Score: 9

I don't get all the jokes about Trumps Russian ties. I just looked it up and Trump makes his ties in China

Score: 16

In Soviet Russia, pessimist says "things couldn't possibly possibly get any worse"... Russian optimist says "Yes they can!!!"

Score: 42

Four blondes play Russian Roulette... ...with a glock.

Score: 22

I hate Russian dolls... They are so full of themselves.

Score: 18

In Russia nobody ever says "thank you" Because there, they speak russian.

Score: 8

What did the judges say about the Russian athlete that lost a race? "Well, at least he Putin a good effort."

Score: 8

Survey finds that 1 in 3 Republicans are of below average IQ The other two are Russian Hackers.

Score: 8

I'm really starting to hate these stupid little Russian Dolls. They're so full of themselves.

Score: 10

How do you get a Russian to the legal alcohol limit? Sober him up for a week or two.

Score: 15

A rapist, a businessman and a Russian spy walk into a bar The bartender says: "what may I get for you Mr. President?

Score: 20

If the current Russian president is preparing to lead a series of swift military offensives... ...does that mean he's Putin on a blitz?

Score: 7

What type of bakery has the fastest service? A Russian bakery.

Score: 9

Trump never eats russian salad... He knows what Vladmir Putin it.

Score: 7

You go to the bathroom Russian. You come out American. What are you while you're in the bathroom? European.

Score: 8

I hate those cocky Russian Nesting dolls They are always full of themselves

Score: 10

If pronouncing your b's like v's makes you sound Russian... Then *soviet!*

Score: 41

What is Donald Trump's favourite drink? A white Russian.

Score: 6

A Russian doctor is treating his patient. *"Take this for insomnia... take this for depression... and take this for anxiety."*

*"Thank you Doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides Vodka?"*

Score: 44

Apparently other than the russian ties, another interesting revelation was released about Trump. He loves trickle-down economics.

Score: 14

Five out of six people agree Russian roulette is completely safe.

Score: 40

What do you call a Russian on a golf course? Vladimir Puttin'

Score: 32

My Russian friends cringe everytime I tell a joke... Because in Russia line punch you.

Score: 7

5 out of 6 scientists feel Russian Roulette is safe

Score: 25

This years Olympics in Rio is going to be one of the most steady and relaxing Games in history No one will be Russian.

Score: 10

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