Russian Jokes

Contents

Funniest Russian Jokes

If I were American, I'd vote Bernie... But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump

Score: 11629

Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids... In one ear, out the other.

Score: 10514

I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids... In one ear, out the other!

Score: 10434

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online. But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

Score: 9316
Funny Russian Jokes
Score: 2340

A German joke from 1944 How do you tell an Optimist German from a Pessimist German? The Optimist studies English, while the Pessimist studies Russian.

Score: 2274

Hey Baby, are you russian? Because you seem to be influencing my erection.
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*Full Disclosure: Someone else made this as a snarky comment on a politics subreddit and I realized it would make a good joke*

Score: 1370

I'm being attacked by Russian hackers! Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day.

Score: 1203

A Russian named Rudolf woke up one morning He looked out the window and announced, _"It's raining."_

His wife said, _"No dear, it's sleeting."_

He replied, _"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."_

Score: 805

5 out of 6 scientists say… …that Russian roulette is safe.

Score: 764

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

Score: 632

What do you call a Russian that enjoys programming? Computin.

Score: 632

The American military should really be worried... Russian technology is a decade ahead of them at the moment.

Score: 561

What is Donald Trumps favourite type of clothing Russian Ties

Score: 510

A conman, a mentally handicapped person, and a Russian spy walk into a bar And the bartender asks, "What will it be, Mr. President?"

Score: 389

Why did the CIA torture the Russian wasp? Because he was a cagey bee agent.

Score: 381

How can you spot the rank of a Russian? By the stripes on his Adidas jumpsuit.

Score: 353

My dad is a professional Russian roulette player. He only lost once.

Score: 340

My grandfather was a legendary Russian roulette player He only ever lost once

Score: 293

My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.

Score: 289

I really don't like russian dolls... They are so full of themselves.

Score: 281

Russian computer: "Enter password" Me: "Beef stew"

Russian computer: "Password not stroganoff"

Score: 277

A Russian is travelling to Poland... and he is stopped to be checked by an officer.

"Name?" the officer asked.

"Vlad Dobrynin," the man answered.

"Nationality?"

"Russian."

"Occupation?"

"No, no, just visiting."

Score: 251

If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian... then soviet

Score: 235

My Russian wife wouldn't even teach me how to say hello in her language She says it's private.

Score: 229

You know why I hate Russian dolls? They're so full of themselves

Score: 217

A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar And that was just the first guy

Score: 187

My russian boyfriend only writes in lowercase letters... He doesn't like Capitalism

Score: 181

What does a Russian woman say to stop her husband from abusing her? Vladislov, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more...


I'm sorry..

Score: 177

I really hate those russian stacking dolls. They are so full of themselves.

Score: 174

A russian, visiting the US, went for an eye check up A Russian, visiting the US, went for an eye check up.

The doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this?

Russian: Read?? I even know the guy ... he's my cousin!

Score: 117

Russia's Three Steps to Homework Step 1. Putin it off

Step 2. Stalin

Step 3. Russian to finish

Score: 81

What did the Russian woman say to her violent husband? Vladislav, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.

Score: 74

What’s the best drink to have on the 4th of July? A White Russian. Nothing is more American then a Russian helping you to make poor choices.

Score: 72

What do you call a Russian that is procrastinating You call him Stalin

Score: 64

A Russian goes to the eye doctor The doctor points to a chart on the wall:

N P U K H N R A X B T

The doctor asks “Can you read those letters one by one for me please?”

The Russian replies “_Read_ them? I even know the guy.”

Score: 35

What do you call a Russian on a golf course? Vladimir Puttin'

Score: 32

What's the difference between a hockey team and a Russian woman? The hockey team showers after three periods.

Score: 21

Q:Why Do Russian Students Always Turn in Their Homework Late? **A:Because, all they ever learn about is Stalin.**

Q: What did the student's get as a result of never turning in their homework on time?


**A: Bad Marx.**

Score: 14

[Russian Joke] What will the results of the next election be? No one knows! The results were stolen from the Politburo just last night!

Score: 10

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New Russian Jokes

Obama said in an interview that Putin had asked him "How is Joe?" to which he responded "Biden?" then Russian President replied "Joe Mama"

Score: 3

What is the difference between the Roman Catholic Church and the Russian Orthodox Church? The Roman Catholics drink Holy Wine while the Russian Orthodox drink Holy Vodka.

Score: 0

I can understand russian letters. Only the capitalized ones though.

Score: 0

An old English joke: 1. ⁠What do you a call a Russian on a moon? A problem

2. ⁠Two Russians on the moon? A very serious problem

3. All Russians on the moon? Problem solved

Score: 3

What did a hooker say to the Russian President? Vladimir Putin

Score: 0

I used to be a friend with a Russian doll in highschool. She was always full of herself.

Score: 0

My old Russian man once said... #**A bottle of Vodka a day keeps the capitalists away**

Score: 0

You walk into the bathroom you’re American. When you come out you’re American. What are you when you’re in the bathroom? European and Russian

Score: 0

One my Russian wife told me Doesn't translate perfectly but still pretty funny.

Kid: Dad what would you do if you one a million dollars in the lottery?
Dad: Pay off debts.
Kid: What about the rest?
Dad: They can wait.

Score: 0

From my daughter today: Why did the Russian decide not to interfere in a foreign election? He did not want to Putin the work.

Score: 0

Two Chinese playing Russian Roulette. They kept sneezing in each other's face.

Score: 0

Whodyarobabolicoff Russian transsexual

Score: 0

What do you call a Russian android with poor coverage? Data Roaminoff.

Score: 9

A russian astronaut has reached the surface of the sun in his sun-proof suit. Unfortunately, when he reached the core, he started fusing with other molecules. So he became Dimitrium

Score: 2

What is Donald Trump's favorite Alcoholic drink? A White Russian.

Score: 2

A Russian goes to the Eye Doctor The eye doctor points to a chart on the wall with a bunch of letters:

“N C Z H K R A T Y O P V”

The doctor asks the Russian “Can you read that for me?”

The Russian responds “_Read_ that? I even know the guy.”

Score: 4

I’m Jewish, German, and Russian So you have a few options of why to immediately dislike me.

Score: 5

A New Russian says to an architect: "I want you to build three swimming pools: one with cold water, one with warm water, and one without any water."
"Why would the third one not have any water?"
"Cuz some of my friends can't swim."

Score: 2

Did you hear about the new Russian venarial disease? Roturkokov

Score: 2

I broke up w my Girlfriend after I found out she’s Russian It’s ova

Score: 0

I hate Russian drivers Because they keep Stalin me

Score: 4

Joke from my science teacher years ago... Q: Why should you never wear Russian nuclear underwear?

A: because Chernob'll Fallout.

Score: 5

You’re all a Russian... ...on your way to the bathroom
European while you’re in there
And you’re Finnish when you’re done

Score: 2

What do you call a Russian Spy Toy? сматрешка

Score: 1

Russian computer: Please enter password Me: Beef_stew
Russian computer: Password not stroganoff

Score: 5

My old Russian man once said... **'A bottle of Vodka a day keeps the socialists away.'**

Score: 1

If European in the bathroom, what are you before you get there? Russian

(A substitute teacher told this in my class today)

Score: 2

Where does a Communist Garden Gnome work? At the Russian Troll Farm.

Score: 2

Statistics have proven that the average parent communciates with their child using smartphones Antivaxxer parents use an Ouija board.


P.S. (Sorry if it's a repost, just saw a meme in Russian and it was my first time)

Score: 1

Why did the European arrive early? Because he was Russian.

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I'll show myself out...

Score: 1

What do you call a laundry in Russian? Kompromat

Score: 0

Germany's loss in the fifa world cup doesn't come as a surprise They've always had a hard time winning on russian soil

Score: 1

It looks like Mexico IS in fact sending their best But they're going to Russian and not the US

Score: 2

What do you call a group of classically trained, gender fluid, Russian musicians? A Trans Siberian Orchestra

Score: 4

I wanted to invest on some stocks on an obscure Russian airline. But it crashed too quickly

Score: 2

The Russian Election is coming up again pretty soon I hear Putin won

Score: 2

I've just heard that the Russian Paraolympic team has been banmed from the upcoming games They tested positive for WD40

Score: 0

Have you heard the Russian president has just taken over a planet in the outer solar system? He's called it Putin-Uranus.

Score: 1

Did you hear about the translator who was running the marathon? He was Russian to Finnish

Score: 2

A spy is in a Russian interrogation room Russian: “Don’t hit his face too hard, we still need to unlock his iPhone!”

Score: 2

If you're Russian to the bathroom, and when you Finnish you walk out, what are you inside European

Score: 5

What was the relation between Stalin and his army? They were Russian but he was Stalin.

Score: 2

comrade, what is difference between constitution of Russian motherland and the Finland? Both constitutions guarantee freedom of speech, but only in finland do you get freedom after speech.

Score: 2

A Russian lawyer, an ex spy and the presidents son walk into a bar... ... and talk about adoption.

Score: 1

Russian Intelligence has a meeting prior to the US election... Russian Intelligence has a meeting prior to the US election to decide the strategies to meddle with the elections. The boss starts the meeting saying, "Let's Putin Trump."

Score: 1

Some days it just feels like the media is Putin me on If they keep Russian to conclusions, next they'll say Trump is Stalin an investigation.

Score: 1

What do you get when you cross an Italian and a Russian? Broken legs at best

Score: 2

Why could Joseph Stalin never be a leader in his country today? Because these days, it's all Russian.

Score: 1

How to write a paper at Moscow University: 1) Putin it off

2) Stalin it

3) And then Russian to finish it.

Score: 5

Why was the russian president late for his meeting with Hitler? He was Stalin

Score: 3

So my coworker is not a native english speaker... This morning he walked up to me and asked what is with all the news story on Donald Trump contracting aids from Russian agents...

Score: 1

The controversy surrounding Donald Trump and the Russian hacking of American voting machines is being blown way out of proportion... who cares if Putin voted for him.

Score: 1

A so German, a Russian, an Irishman, a Czech, an Australian, a Canadian, an Indian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, a Mexican, a Scot, a Kenyan, a Brazillian, a Hatian, and an American all walk up to a club... The bouncer says "I'm sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

Score: 0

What did the bartender day to the man who was drinking his vodka to fast? Stop "Russian"

Score: 2

What is a hipster russian roulette? You got six cookies and five of them is gluten free.

Score: 2

What's the difference between a catfish and a Russian prostitute? One has whiskers and smells like fish. And the other is a fish.

Score: 1

Two Russian kgb operatives are also in a tank One turns to the other and says "gurgle gurgle" and they both drown...

Score: 2

American history in 5 words. As the parallel to the thread about Russian history, I would really like to have /u/HannasAnarion to write one about the US, because his summary of Russian history was amazing.

Score: 1

After reading, 50 shades of grey, my wife asked to treat her like Anastasia ... so I got the Bolshevik secret police to murder her family and I sold her to a Russian pig farmer.

Score: 2

Why was the russian airforce less superior than their enemies? Cause their airplanes kept STALIN!!

(Ill see myself out...)

Score: 9

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