Russian Jokes

Contents

Funniest Russian Jokes

If I were American, I'd vote Bernie... But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump

Score: 11629

Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids... In one ear, out the other.

Score: 10514

I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids... In one ear, out the other!

Score: 10434

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online. But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

Score: 9316
Funny Russian Jokes
Score: 2340

A German joke from 1944 How do you tell an Optimist German from a Pessimist German? The Optimist studies English, while the Pessimist studies Russian.

Score: 2274

Hey Baby, are you russian? Because you seem to be influencing my erection.
.
-
.
-
.
-
.
-
.
-
.
-
.
-
.
-
.

*Full Disclosure: Someone else made this as a snarky comment on a politics subreddit and I realized it would make a good joke*

Score: 1370

I'm being attacked by Russian hackers! Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day.

Score: 1203

A Russian named Rudolf woke up one morning He looked out the window and announced, _"It's raining."_

His wife said, _"No dear, it's sleeting."_

He replied, _"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."_

Score: 805

5 out of 6 scientists say… …that Russian roulette is safe.

Score: 764

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

Score: 632

What do you call a Russian that enjoys programming? Computin.

Score: 632

The American military should really be worried... Russian technology is a decade ahead of them at the moment.

Score: 561

What is Donald Trumps favourite type of clothing Russian Ties

Score: 510

A conman, a mentally handicapped person, and a Russian spy walk into a bar And the bartender asks, "What will it be, Mr. President?"

Score: 389

Why did the CIA torture the Russian wasp? Because he was a cagey bee agent.

Score: 381

How can you spot the rank of a Russian? By the stripes on his Adidas jumpsuit.

Score: 353

My dad is a professional Russian roulette player. He only lost once.

Score: 340

My grandfather was a legendary Russian roulette player He only ever lost once

Score: 293

My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.

Score: 289

I really don't like russian dolls... They are so full of themselves.

Score: 281

Russian computer: "Enter password" Me: "Beef stew"

Russian computer: "Password not stroganoff"

Score: 277

A Russian is travelling to Poland... and he is stopped to be checked by an officer.

"Name?" the officer asked.

"Vlad Dobrynin," the man answered.

"Nationality?"

"Russian."

"Occupation?"

"No, no, just visiting."

Score: 251

If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian... then soviet

Score: 235

My Russian wife wouldn't even teach me how to say hello in her language She says it's private.

Score: 229

You know why I hate Russian dolls? They're so full of themselves

Score: 217

A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar And that was just the first guy

Score: 187

My russian boyfriend only writes in lowercase letters... He doesn't like Capitalism

Score: 181

What does a Russian woman say to stop her husband from abusing her? Vladislov, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more...


I'm sorry..

Score: 177

I really hate those russian stacking dolls. They are so full of themselves.

Score: 174

A russian, visiting the US, went for an eye check up A Russian, visiting the US, went for an eye check up.

The doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this?

Russian: Read?? I even know the guy ... he's my cousin!

Score: 117

Russia's Three Steps to Homework Step 1. Putin it off

Step 2. Stalin

Step 3. Russian to finish

Score: 81

What nationality are you when you walk into the bathroom? Russian.

What nationality are you while you're in the bathroom?

European.

What nationality are you when you walk out of the bathroom?

Finish.

Score: 51

What do you call a Russian Get-together after 50 years? A soviet re-union.

Score: 11

What do you call a Russian android with poor coverage? Data Roaminoff.

Score: 9

The three most arguably important historical revolutions: The Russian, the French, and dance dance

Score: 9

How to write a paper at Moscow University: 1) Putin it off

2) Stalin it

3) And then Russian to finish it.

Score: 5

Russian computer: Please enter password Me: Beef_stew
Russian computer: Password not stroganoff

Score: 5

Joke from my science teacher years ago... Q: Why should you never wear Russian nuclear underwear?

A: because Chernob'll Fallout.

Score: 5

What's a suicidal Russian's favorite drink? Cyka bleach

Score: 5

Popular Topics

New Russian Jokes

Obama said in an interview that Putin had asked him "How is Joe?" to which he responded "Biden?" then Russian President replied "Joe Mama"

Score: 3

A Russian agent, a white supremacist, a misogynist and a con-man walk into a bar The barman asks, ‘What’ll it be Mr President?’

Score: 3

So, I was reading reviews on Russian Roulette 5/6 people say the game is mind blowing

Score: 1

A Russian named Rudolph looked out of the window one morning. "It's raining." He announced

His wife looked out also and then said, "No, it's sleeting."

"It's raining," insisted the husband. "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

Score: 2

A Czech, a Russian, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. No one remembers much after that...

Score: 0

I can understand russian letters. Only the capitalized ones though.

Score: 0

What did a hooker say to the Russian President? Vladimir Putin

Score: 0

I used to be a friend with a Russian doll in highschool. She was always full of herself.

Score: 0

My old Russian man once said... #**A bottle of Vodka a day keeps the capitalists away**

Score: 0

You walk into the bathroom you’re American. When you come out you’re American. What are you when you’re in the bathroom? European and Russian

Score: 0

One my Russian wife told me Doesn't translate perfectly but still pretty funny.

Kid: Dad what would you do if you one a million dollars in the lottery?
Dad: Pay off debts.
Kid: What about the rest?
Dad: They can wait.

Score: 0

A blonde asks what time is it. He replies it's 5 before 7 The blonde says: so it's 2?




Source: Joke was told to me in Russian. English it might not read well. Since jokes aren't allowed to be written in other languages here, I wrote an English variant.

Score: 1

Two Chinese playing Russian Roulette. They kept sneezing in each other's face.

Score: 0

Polish talks to Russian I heard that it is -60 degrees here in winter. No, only -30. Then why do they say it's -60? Maybe outside.

Score: 2

Whodyarobabolicoff Russian transsexual

Score: 0

What is Donald Trump's favorite Alcoholic drink? A White Russian.

Score: 2

A New Russian says to an architect: "I want you to build three swimming pools: one with cold water, one with warm water, and one without any water."
"Why would the third one not have any water?"
"Cuz some of my friends can't swim."

Score: 2

Did you hear about the new Russian venarial disease? Roturkokov

Score: 2

I've recently discovered how amazing russian roulette is It's absolutely mind blowing

Score: 2

I broke up w my Girlfriend after I found out she’s Russian It’s ova

Score: 0

You’re all a Russian... ...on your way to the bathroom
European while you’re in there
And you’re Finnish when you’re done

Score: 2

What do you call a Russian Spy Toy? сматрешка

Score: 1

My old Russian man once said... **'A bottle of Vodka a day keeps the socialists away.'**

Score: 1

If European in the bathroom, what are you before you get there? Russian

(A substitute teacher told this in my class today)

Score: 2

What's the difference between a Garbanzo bean and a Chick pea? Trump's never paid to have a Russian Garbanzo bean on his face.

Score: 1

Statistics have proven that the average parent communciates with their child using smartphones Antivaxxer parents use an Ouija board.


P.S. (Sorry if it's a repost, just saw a meme in Russian and it was my first time)

Score: 1

Why did the European arrive early? Because he was Russian.

​

I'll show myself out...

Score: 1

What do you call a laundry in Russian? Kompromat

Score: 0

Germany's loss in the fifa world cup doesn't come as a surprise They've always had a hard time winning on russian soil

Score: 1

It looks like Mexico IS in fact sending their best But they're going to Russian and not the US

Score: 2

Revamped Reagan/Churchill-Gorbachev marathon joke. Trump, Hillary, and Putin ran a marathon.
Trump wins, Putin finished last.

US newspapers: Hillary finished second.

Russian newspapers: Putin won.

Score: 2

The Russian Election is coming up again pretty soon I hear Putin won

Score: 2

I've just heard that the Russian Paraolympic team has been banmed from the upcoming games They tested positive for WD40

Score: 0

Have you heard the Russian president has just taken over a planet in the outer solar system? He's called it Putin-Uranus.

Score: 1

What was the relation between Stalin and his army? They were Russian but he was Stalin.

Score: 2

Russian Intelligence has a meeting prior to the US election... Russian Intelligence has a meeting prior to the US election to decide the strategies to meddle with the elections. The boss starts the meeting saying, "Let's Putin Trump."

Score: 1

What do you get when you cross an Italian and a Russian? Broken legs at best

Score: 2

Why could Joseph Stalin never be a leader in his country today? Because these days, it's all Russian.

Score: 1

The controversy surrounding Donald Trump and the Russian hacking of American voting machines is being blown way out of proportion... who cares if Putin voted for him.

Score: 1

After reading, 50 shades of grey, my wife asked to treat her like Anastasia ... so I got the Bolshevik secret police to murder her family and I sold her to a Russian pig farmer.

Score: 2

Popular Topics