Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids... In one ear, out the other.
I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids... In one ear, out the other!
A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online. But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.
I'm being attacked by Russian hackers! Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day.
I bought a Russian porno magazine the other day called Barely Legal. Opened it up and there was a picture of two men holding hands.
A Russian named Rudolf woke up one morning
He looked out the window and announced, _"It's raining."_
His wife said, _"No dear, it's sleeting."_
He replied, _"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."_
The American military should really be worried... Russian technology is a decade ahead of them at the moment.
A conman, a mentally handicapped person, and a Russian spy walk into a bar And the bartender asks, "What will it be, Mr. President?"
Ol' Russian joke
Comrade Stalin approaches a farmer and asks :
"Comrade, how many potatoes have we grown this season?"
"Enough to reach God, comrade!" Replied the farmer.
"But there is no God" said Stalin
"Ah, said the farmer, as there are no potatoes."
My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.
Russian computer: "Enter password"
Me: "Beef stew"
Russian computer: "Password not stroganoff"
A Russian is travelling to Poland...
and he is stopped to be checked by an officer.
"Name?" the officer asked.
"Vlad Dobrynin," the man answered.
"No, no, just visiting."
My Russian wife wouldn't even teach me how to say hello in her language She says it's private.
What does a Russian woman say to stop her husband from abusing her?
Vladislov, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more...
If you are Russian when you go to the bathroom and you are Finnish when you leave the bathroom, what are you when you are in the bathroom? European
Russian Roulette must be very easy. I have never heard of anyone who has lost the game more than once
Did you hear about the Russian man who got turned into a chevy? They call him Vlad the Impala.
If you're a Russian going into the bathroom, and you're Finnish leaving the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom? European.
The Russian doll that I got for my birthday has a terrible personality It’s so full of itself
What do you call a Russian cat that interrupts a movie?
Curtesy of my 9 year old joke writer.
Old Russian joke. Russia has 2 major problems: roads and idiots. One of them can be solved by a road roller... But it's impossible to figure out what to do with roads.
This actually happened... My son farted several times in a row this morning and said "wow! I'm really pootin' "... I said "well what are you going to do about the Russian economy?"... he didn't get it, but at least I was amused...
Told my wife she reminds me of a Russian Doll
She said “because of my beautiful skin?”
I said “No, you’re full of yourself.”
I asked my Russian friend today, if he is afraid of the corona virus. He said "no! I have the antidote!" I said, really? What is it? He said "its vodka!" I didn't believe and said, vodka kills the virus? He said "no, but it kills the fear!"
One my Russian wife told me
Doesn't translate perfectly but still pretty funny.
Kid: Dad what would you do if you won a million dollars in the lottery?
Dad: Pay off debts.
Kid: What about the rest?
Dad: They can wait.
Russian Eye Sight Test
A Russian went to a doctor to get his eye sight tested.
The doctor asked him to read the letters "CHXSCHEICJK" written on a board.
The doctor asked, "can you read them?"
Russian: Read them? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.
What did the Russian man say to his friend? Probably something nice. I don’t know, I don’t speak Russian
My grandfather is a Russian immigrant, so the last few years have been really hard for him. But I'm thrilled to share that he's achieved his dream of opening a bakery! Please join me in wishing him luck with Vladimir Gluten.
A Russian goes to the eye doctor
The doctor points to a chart on the wall:
N P U K H N R A X B T
The doctor asks “Can you read those letters one by one for me please?”
The Russian replies “_Read_ them? I even know the guy.”