Russian Jokes


Funniest Russian Jokes

Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids... In one ear, out the other.

I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids... In one ear, out the other!

If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian Then Soviet

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online. But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

Funny Russian Jokes

I'm being attacked by Russian hackers! Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day.

I bought a Russian porno magazine the other day called Barely Legal. Opened it up and there was a picture of two men holding hands.

A Russian named Rudolf woke up one morning He looked out the window and announced, _"It's raining."_

His wife said, _"No dear, it's sleeting."_

He replied, _"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."_

5 out of 6 scientists say… …that Russian roulette is safe.

What do you call a Russian that enjoys programming? Computin.

The American military should really be worried... Russian technology is a decade ahead of them at the moment.

What is Donald Trumps favourite type of clothing Russian Ties

A conman, a mentally handicapped person, and a Russian spy walk into a bar And the bartender asks, "What will it be, Mr. President?"

Why did the CIA torture the Russian wasp? Because he was a cagey bee agent.

My dad is a professional Russian roulette player. He only lost once.

Ol' Russian joke Comrade Stalin approaches a farmer and asks :

"Comrade, how many potatoes have we grown this season?"

"Enough to reach God, comrade!" Replied the farmer.

"But there is no God" said Stalin

"Ah, said the farmer, as there are no potatoes."

My grandfather was a legendary Russian roulette player He only ever lost once

My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.

I really don't like russian dolls... They are so full of themselves.

Russian computer: "Enter password" Me: "Beef stew"

Russian computer: "Password not stroganoff"

A Russian is travelling to Poland... and he is stopped to be checked by an officer.

"Name?" the officer asked.

"Vlad Dobrynin," the man answered.




"No, no, just visiting."

I hate Russian dolls... They're full of themselves.

My Russian wife wouldn't even teach me how to say hello in her language She says it's private.

You know why I hate Russian dolls? They're so full of themselves

A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar And that was just the first guy

What does a Russian woman say to stop her husband from abusing her? Vladislov, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more...

I'm sorry..

I really hate those russian stacking dolls. They are so full of themselves.

If you are Russian when you go to the bathroom and you are Finnish when you leave the bathroom, what are you when you are in the bathroom? European

I have a Russian friend who's a sound technician And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.

What's the Russian word for no Wi-Fi? Interniet

Why are Russian automobiles the most unreliable? They're always Stalin

What type of clothing does Trump have a secret collection of? Russian ties.

My friend was the best at Russian Roulette. He only lost once.

If me having a Russian accent means my B's sound like V's... Soviet

If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian Soviet

What are Russian computers best for? ComPutin.

Russian history in five words ...and then it got worse

If sounding my B’s as V’s makes me Russian Then Soviet

Inside every Russian woman… …is another, much smaller, Russian woman.

A Russian spy, a Klansman, and televangelist walk into a bar. Bartender says, "Sorry. Republican Convention is next door."

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New Russian Jokes

Need anything special to catch a Russian butterfly? Nyet

Fun Fact: ...5/6 people find Russian Roulette harmless.

What do you call a Russian marriage? A Soviet Union

Russian Roulette must be very easy. I have never heard of anyone who has lost the game more than once

Did you hear about the Russian man who got turned into a chevy? They call him Vlad the Impala.

If you're a Russian going into the bathroom, and you're Finnish leaving the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom? European.

The Russian doll that I got for my birthday has a terrible personality It’s so full of itself

What do you call a Russian cat that interrupts a movie? A blue-purr.

Curtesy of my 9 year old joke writer.

What do you call it when a Russian emperor uses irony to mock someone? Tsarcasm

Old Russian joke. Russia has 2 major problems: roads and idiots. One of them can be solved by a road roller... But it's impossible to figure out what to do with roads.

Russian Roulette... 5 out of 6 people find it to be completely harmless.

This actually happened... My son farted several times in a row this morning and said "wow! I'm really pootin' "... I said "well what are you going to do about the Russian economy?"... he didn't get it, but at least I was amused...

If being Russian means my b's are v's, Then Soviet

^(not a repost)

Told my wife she reminds me of a Russian Doll She said “because of my beautiful skin?”

I said “No, you’re full of yourself.”

I got a Russian Uber driver today. His name was Pickup Andropov!!..

Why shouldn't you wear Russian Y-fronts? Because Chernobyl fallout

Want a mind-blowing game? Let's play Russian Roulette

I asked my Russian friend today, if he is afraid of the corona virus. He said "no! I have the antidote!" I said, really? What is it? He said "its vodka!" I didn't believe and said, vodka kills the virus? He said "no, but it kills the fear!"

One my Russian wife told me Doesn't translate perfectly but still pretty funny.

Kid: Dad what would you do if you won a million dollars in the lottery?

Dad: Pay off debts.

Kid: What about the rest?

Dad: They can wait.

I have a Russian friend who's a sound technician. And I have a Czech one too.

I think trump will win in 2020... But I'm not Russian to any conclusions.

What would a 19th century Russian sci-fi be called? Tsar Wars.

Russian Eye Sight Test A Russian went to a doctor to get his eye sight tested.

The doctor asked him to read the letters "CHXSCHEICJK" written on a board.

The doctor asked, "can you read them?"

Russian: Read them? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

What did the Russian man say to his friend? Probably something nice. I don’t know, I don’t speak Russian

My dad was so good at Russian roulette. He only lost once

What do you call a russian lego? The Soviet Bloc

My grandfather is a Russian immigrant, so the last few years have been really hard for him. But I'm thrilled to share that he's achieved his dream of opening a bakery! Please join me in wishing him luck with Vladimir Gluten.

I hate Russian dolls... so full of themselves.

Which game ruins the most relationships?? Russian Roulette

I have a friend who is a Russian sounds engineer And a Czech one too

What do you call a Russian Platypus? A Blyatypus.

I hate those Russian Matryoshka Dolls... ...they're so full of themselves.

Why do Russian Cosmonauts only drink black coffee? Because in space, no one here use cream.

A Russian goes to the eye doctor The doctor points to a chart on the wall:


The doctor asks “Can you read those letters one by one for me please?”

The Russian replies “_Read_ them? I even know the guy.”

I’m a great Russian Roulette player! I’ve only lost once!

Dad Joke God, i hate Russian dolls they are so full of themselves

When Trump is outed as a Russian spy... Can we call him Agent Orange?

What do you call a russian tree? A dimitree

I Really hate Russian Dolls... so full of themselves.....

My friend developed a video streaming app that rejects every choice you make, and plays random Russian videos instead He calls it *Nyetflix*

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Long Russian Jokes

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."

The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.

Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"

A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."

Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."

The Turkish respond: "Okay, maybe we should settle this outside."
The Russian: "That's your second problem: You always want to solve your problems with violence."

The Turkish bring him outside and pull their knives.
The Russian: "And here's your third problem. You always bring knives to gun fights."

My late Grandfathers favorite joke

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and unstoppable. As each wrestlers legends grew, a match was set up between the two, America versus Russia. The match would be held in Texas.

John began training immediately. Every day his coach would tell him, “This Russian has a move called the Mongolian Death Grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian Death Grip. DO NOT let him get you in the Mongolian Death Grip”

The day of the match finally came. Just before each wrestler stepped onto the mat in front of the capacity crowd, the coach once again said, “Whatever you do, do not let him get you in the Mongolian death grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian death grip”.

Four seconds into the match, the Russian had the American in the Mongolian death grip. The coach buried his face into his hands and cursed John for not listening to his advice. All of the sudden he heard the crowd irrupt in a chant of USA USA USA. He looked up and saw the Russian pinned by John. The coach ran out to meet John and embarrassingly told him, “I didn’t see... Once he had you in the Mongolian Death Grip I looked away. How in the world did you get out of the Mongolian death grip?”

With heavy breath, John told him “Well coach, that Russian grabbed me and twisted my body in ways I never imagined possible. I was wincing in pain when I open my eyes and right in front of me were two testicles. So I bit them.”

“What???” Said the coach... “John I don’t think that is legal. You could be disqualified”

“I don’t know about that coach. But I can tell you one thing. You ain’t got no idea how strong you are until you bite your own balls”

A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...

"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"

"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"

The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"

He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.

"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."

The man continues to keep his cool.

"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!".

He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.

"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.

The spy smirks.

"But I still think you American spy."

The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.

He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"

The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.

The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.

After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.

In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."

The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.

"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"

The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow

They're debating the merits of their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.

Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.

Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.

Obama: I don't believe you. I bet if we take your limo out for a spin I'll see some drunks staggering around.

Putin: Okay, let me prove you wrong. We'll drive around and if you see a single drunk you can shoot them with my own gun.

Putin let's the FSB know what they're doing, and tells them to do a sweep and round up every single drunk on their route. He says if Obama sees a single drunk everyone will get sent to Siberia.

Obama and Putin drive around for 10 minutes, and the streets are empty. Not a single person is out, let alone a drunk. Obama is about to accept defeat when a visibly drunk man staggers out of an apartment building, singing a Russian folk song. Obama leans out the window and shoots him.

Obama: See Vlad, I saw one person and he was drunk! All Russians are drunks!

Six months later Putin travels to Washington DC and he and Obama are having the same argument about morals and society. Putin suggests they do the same thing they did in Moscow, and he will shoot any drunks that he sees on Washington's streets. Obama let's the Secret Service know to go ahead and make sure there are no drunks anywhere on their route.

The two presidents drive around for 10 minutes, without seeing anyone. Just as they're turning around a huge group of drunks stumbles out of a bar. Putin gets excited, leans out the window and mows them all down. He teases Obama for the rest of the night.

Putin: Barack, you said Russians were worse drunks than Americans. I just killed 20 of them, looks like Russia wins again!

The next morning Vladimir Putin picks up the newspaper and sees the headline: 20 Russian Embassy Workers Slain In Drive-By Shooting.

The tale of Yuri. (Preemptive apologies).

Yuri had lived in Russia all of his life, in a small town near Moscow. The town had horrible weather conditions almost all of the time and very few people lived there. Everyone living in the town was struggling to survive in such poor conditions. Yuri had lived alone in a small house in this town. He worked every day at a factory that was close to this town. It was hard work, and Yuri was never very happy with his work, but he kept enduring the rough conditions to be able to have an income. Yuri's life had been like this for several years, and he had endured many hardships during these times.

Every day, while Yuri was taking his walk to the factory before work began, he always passed by a large billboard on the side of the road. The billboard changed every month or so, usually showing an irrelevant advertisement for something that Yuri had little interest in. Today, however, Yuri noticed a new advertisement on the billboard. It read, "SWIMMING LESSONS" in large letters, accompanied by a picture of a large man swimming through the water. This ad had given Yuri something to be interested in. He had always had an intense passion for swimming, but it was always too difficult to practice in the frigid waters of the lake near his home. Yuri continued to read the ad before he finally came to the price: 5000 Rubles base fee.

Yuri was sad, because this was much more than Yuri could afford to spend. However, he thought to himself, "If I could save up enough money from the factory work, then by the end of the month, I should have enough..." After this, he decided that day that he would work as hard as he could to make sure he had enough money by the end of the month. He even had to cut back his food supply by just a small amount to still have enough money. Finally, at the end of the month, Yuri finally had enough money to be able to go to the swimming pool not far from his home where the practices were being held.

Every day after his hard work at the factory, he greatly enjoyed going back to the pool and practicing his swimming. He had started quickly and advanced rapidly. Everyone who frequented the pool to practice their swimming was impressed by Yuri's natural ability to be able to learn and adapt so quickly, becoming very popular with the people at the pool, his hometown, and even in Moscow. It was truly a passion of Yuri's.

A few months had passed, and Yuri's amazing swimming abilities had been noticed by people in places all across Russia, considering a swimming prodigy. Yuri was always modest about his skills, but was humble nonetheless. However, he still had to continue his work at the factory, and live in the same small house he had lived in since he was born. For him, swimming was the one thing that saved him from the cruel and harsh life he lived.

Later that month, on his way to the factory once again, he had noticed that the billboard he so often passed had changed once again. While it was difficult to read in the unrelenting snowstorm, he managed to make out the words "DIVING PRACTICES" in big letters. Diving was something that Yuri had also found to be interesting, but could never find the time nor place to practice properly. The pool he went to had no diving boards or excessively deep sections of the pool, so it was hard for Yuri to practice diving. However, this would give him another opportunity to pursue what he wanted to do. He looked down at the bottom of the billboard and saw something that, like the other ad, made his heart drop. The base fee was 7500 Rubles. Yuri knew that it would take another month or two of hard work at the factory to be able to achieve such a high sum of money. The factory was beginning to offer less and less money to Yuri, making life harder on him than it was before. He had to cut back his food money as well to accommodate for this. However, Yuri overcame the hardships in his life and save up just enough money by the end of two months.

The practices were held at another pool not far from the one he already went to, so it was easy for him to practice both swimming and diving at once. He continued to master his swimming skills while also learning how to practice diving. Much like with swimming, however, he had picked up skills quickly, and it only took him another few months before he had mastered diving.

Many people had heard of Yuri at this point. Several news stories across Russia were focused around Yuri, who was considered to be the best swimmer and diver in the whole country. He continued to remain incredibly modest through all of his interviews. "It is only something I am fond of, a hobby" Yuri would say. "I still have a life in the factory that I must attend to every day. It is a hard life, so swimming and diving are what I use to keep myself healthy." Despite his fame and popularity, Yuri did continue to work at the factory day in and day out, receiving little pay and little food for all of his hard work. Despite all of Yuri's hardships, he continued his daily routine of working, swimming, and diving.

For yet another time, Yuri was on his way to the factory. The billboard had changed once again. Yuri anticipated something exciting on the billboard, and he was not disappointed at what he saw. "TRAVEL TO AMERICA TODAY!" read the ad. Yuri was very interested. He had always heard of America, and had heard nothing but positive things about it. The land of the free! It was a very exciting idea to Yuri. However, he knew that with ads like these, he knew they would come at a steep price. Unfortunately, he thought correctly. The boats that traveled to America were advertised as costing 60,000 Rubles.

Yuri knew that that kind of sum would come from only another year or so of hard work at the factory. The factory work had become increasingly more difficult every single day, with little pay, food, and free time. However, he endured the next year the same way he endured the previous years: with swimming and diving. It truly was his passion, and Yuri was not sure on how he would have survived without them.

Finally, the year had passed, and Yuri had finally saved up enough Rubles to be able to ride the boat to America. He climbed aboard the boat with all of his possessions with him, all managing to fit in one small suitcase. The boat was somewhat small in size, being able to house only around 20 or so people. The boat set sail across the cold waters of the ocean. About a day had passed when people had finally recognized Yuri, the famed Russian swimmer and diver. They were all very excited to meet Yuri, and had several questions to ask him about his swimming skills. "It is nothing much, just a passion of mine, that is all. It is something I use to endure the hardships and trials of my life..." Yuri would always respond to his fans.

One day the boat had to make a stop at a small island to fill up the boat's gas supply, for they had much less than they had expected to have. It was a nice, sunny day outside, and the water was said to be very warm. One of the passengers asked Yuri to show off some of his diving techniques to his fans, since they had time to kill before the boat would depart again. "Hey, Yuri! While we wait, could you show us some of your diving skills? I would LOVE to see them!" Yuri was hesitant at first. Another passenger asked, "And maybe once you have done that, could you show us your swimming techniques? The water is warm, and it would make my day to see them!" Yuri replied, "Well... ok, if you all insist I do it."

Yuri looked off the side of the boat. On the bottom of the boat, a balcony extended from the bottom. Yuri feared he might hit the balcony on his dive down, but everyone else assured Yuri that he wouldn't hit it in a million years. Yuri stepped up over the railing, onto the side of the boat. With the same skill that he had used so many times before, he demonstrated his graceful diving skills by performing his favorite dive he knew. His fans watched in amazement as his body twirled through the air beautifully, showing the same amount of skill he put into each of his other dives. As he dove down towards the war waters below, people watched and expected for Yuri to land smoothly in the water.

Unfortunately, Yuri never landed in the water. He landed instead on the solid, hard deck of the boat's balcony below. The impact sounded painful, and all of the spectators winced on pain over his fall. Yuri remained motionless for several seconds, and his fans began to worry. Many people were about to call for medics when Yuri managed to get up slowly. "Are you alright Yuri? That fall looked hard! That must have broken some bones!" Yuri, however, had barely an injury. As he had gotten up, he simply regained his sense of direction. This had amazed several people, as that kind of a fall would have surely broken any other person's bones, if not killed them. Instead, Yuri simply stood up with barely a scratch, and waved back at the row of spectators.

"It is OK, everybody" Yuri yelled back. "I have endured many hardships in my life."

I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said "yes!"

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.

Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.

As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.

As we walked away I asked, "Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?"

My wife answered,

"In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"

Three Russian men are in the gulag talking with each other.

They get to talking about why there were sent to the gulag.

“I was sent here for coming early to work in the factory. I was accused of trying to put myself ahead of my fellow worker.” The first one said.

“Aye comrad I was sent for being late to work at the factory. I was accused of delaying the revolution. “ the second commiserated.

“Well I was on time to work and I was still sent here.” The third said.

“Why?” They ask.

“I was accused of owning a western watch!”

A Russian is digging around an old battlefield.

He occasionally finds bits of metal worth scrapping, or something interesting enough to keep. Today, he finds a small clump of smooth metal, only a few inches wide. He tosses it from hand to hand, appreciating the way the morning light glares against the surface of the metal. The man wonders if there might be something inside the smooth shell, so he takes it in both hands and pulls with all his might...

Suddenly there is a blinding flash and a deafening explosion. Pain floods the man's body as he looks around and sees that both of his arms have been flung at least 10 feet away. Everything turns to black as he hears shouts of alarm in the distance.

The man wakes up in a hospital 3 days later. Doctors tell him that they were unable to reattach his arms, and he needs to get accustomed to the idea of a life without those limbs. The man curses himself for forgetting one small, ever so important fact that day...

In Soviet Russia, bomb disarms you!

A Russian and an Irish wrestler

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match
started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each otherseveral times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the
Russian lunged forward,grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a
cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded.When he finally got his wrestler
alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No
one has ever done it before!'

The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he
got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my
eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'

The trainer exclaimed 'Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!'

'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls'

**Edit:** This post took me to the front page for the first time. Thank you all!!! Too bad this sub doesn't give karma for submissions

American tourists visit Russia

... and decide they want to take a hike in a genuine Russian forest. While hiking, they suddenly encounter a huge bear. The bear starts chasing the tourists, who are running for their lives.

Not far from there, there is a campsite where a group of Russian campers is chilling out and drinking vodka. Suddenly they see screaming crazy Americans running over the campsite, tipping over the picknick tables, breaking bottles, and then disappearing into the thick woods.

The campers are pissed, so they catch up on the tourists and start beating them up until the last one hits the ground. Then they return to the campsite.

Back at the campsite one camper to another "You know Vassily, that American - he put up a pretty good fight". "Which one?". "Well you know, the one in the fur coat".

A Russian, a Mexican, and a Korean all show up to a construction site and get hired.

The boss says that for their first day on the job, the Russian is in charge of concrete, the Mexican is in charge of wood, and the Korean is in charge of supplies.

The boss then leaves and comes back a few hours later to check up on his new workers.

He walks over to the Russian, and all the concrete mix is stacked up nice and orderly. The boss tells him "great work!" and moves on.

He walks up to the Mexican and sees that al the wood is stacked in a perfect pile, so he says "wonderful job!" and moves on.

He then looks around and sees that the Korean is missing, and supplies are everywhere. Out of nowhere, the Korean jumps out from behind a pile of dirt and yells "SUPPLIES!"

Three wives

Three women are chatting, a French, an American and a Russian.

The French says: "After we got married, I told my husband right away that I was not going to cook, do dishes and laundry or clean the house. He disappeared, I didn't see him for a day, two, three, then he came back with a housemaid. Now she does all that, and I just sit and relax all day long."

The American says: "Well, after we got married, I told my husband the same. Didn't see him for a day, two, three, then he came back with some big appliance. Now it does all that automatically, and I just sit and relax all day long."

The Russian says: "After we got married, I told my husband that I wouldn't do all that either. I didn't see him for a day, two, three. On the fourth day I was finally able to see something with my right eye."

A Russian goes to a watchmaker.

He says, "My clock is defective. It only goes 'tic...tic...tic...tic...' unlike the others, which go 'tic...toc...tic...toc...'."
"No problem", says the watchmaker, taking the clock from its owner.
He then shines a light in the clock's face and says menacingly, "We have ways to make it toc."

Vladimir Putin was practicing a eulogy speech for an assassinated Russian politician in front of a mirror...

(ahem) "He was a dear patriot and credit to the Motherland, whom I personally adored as a friend and colleague. I vow, as leader of Russia, to find the culprits responsible for this vicious murder..."

Putin then stopped and turned to his aide. "Are you sure this strikes the right tone, Yuri? I mean, in terms of timing? I've been a bit preoccupied, so remind me, when was he killed?"

After a few moments consulting his ipad, the aide replies, "Next week, sir."

A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The Frenchman says, “They must be French, they’re naked and they’re eating fruit.”

The Englishman says, “Clearly, they’re English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.”

The Soviet replies, “No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in Paradise.

A German, a Japanese, and a Russian were sitting naked...

... in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed is forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "Oh, that was my embedded smart watch," he said. "Germany has the smartest engineers in the world and I've had one of their devices placed under the skin of my forearm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained,"That was my mobile phone. Japan has the smartest engineers in the world and I've had one of their mobile systems placed in my hand."

The Russian felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He exited to the bathrooms stall and returned a few seconds later with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Russian finally said-"Well, well, well comrades- it appears that SOMEBODY is recieving a fax!"

3 men are arrested...

Three men; a Russian, a swede, and a German have been arrested, and they've all been given a 6 month sentence.


Their warden however, is friendly and grants them all a 6 month supply of anything they want.


Upon hearing this, the Russian man jumps up in joy,


"I'll have some vodka!"


the German man isn't quite as excited, but he's still visibly happy,


"I will take zom beer, danke"


The swede scratches his non existant beard for a moment, before rising up,


"of course, I'll need cigarettes!"


The warden writes everything down, and brings the men everything they requested, before locking the men in their cells.


With something that they all enjoy, the six months pass by quite quickly for them.




Upon their release day, the German man, being punctual, is the first one to wake up an yelling over to the warden, soon walking out of his cell with his last beer in hand.


The Russian man isn't too demanding, as he gets out of his cell dancing trepak.


The swede, upon getting out of his cell, lets out a deep sigh as he look towards his friends,


"either of you got a light?"

Obama, Putin and Merkel at the baltic sea

Obama declares: Our submarines can stay submerged for ten days before needing air.

Putin promptly says: That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for up to a month.

Merkel is embarrassed and stays silent.

Suddenly a submarine emerges. The hatch opens and the man yells: Heil Hitler! Is the war over?

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