An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in
"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"
"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.
"No, only one."
He starts cleaning the rifle again.
I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes.... Actually, it's because I would like someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle...
"911, what's your emergency?"
*"Me and my friend were out hunting and... I accidentally shot him and now he's dead!"*
"Alright, sir, calm down. Now, we need to be sure he's actually dead before we do anything else."
*"Okay, what next?"*
Why didn't the Mexican go bow hunting? Because he didn't habanero.
I call my wife Bambi and she thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes... Actually, it's because I shot her mother with a hunting rifle...
My dad rubs Elmers Glue on his hands like lotion before he goes hunting. I know, it's weird, and I've tried talking him out of it... But he's sticking to his guns on this one. Stubborn man.
(OC) one I thought up this morning
What did the vegetarian lion say before going hunting?
I call my wife Bambi She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes. But it's really because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.
Three statisticians are bow hunting in the woods and see a deer...
The first shoots his arrow and misses to the right by three feet.
The second shoots and misses three feet to the left.
The third throws up his arms and yells, "We got him!"
Three mathematicians go hunting. As they are out hunting, they see a bird. The numerical analyst fires, but misses to the left. The applied mathematician fires and misses to the right. The statistician shouts out, "We hit it!"
A buffalo hunter and a Native American guide
One day when they were hunting the guide stopped, put his ear to the ground and listened, then said "Buffalo come"
The hunter asked "How can you tell"
The guide replied "Ear sticky"
Three statisticians are hunting when they see a rabbit.
The first one shoots and misses him on the left.
The second shoots and misses him on the right.
The third one shouts, "We've hit it!"
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley Thanks to months of therapy, I'm finally battling my Damons.
3 statisticians go hunting They see a deer. The first statistician shoots, but his shot misses by a foot to the left. The second statistician shoots, but her shot misses by a foot to the right. The third statistician says "Alright, we got it!"
I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company. I’m now the main stake holder.
A mathematician, a physicist, and a statistician are out hunting When they spot a deer. The mathemician shoots five feet to the left and misses. The physicist shoots five feet to the right and misses. The statistician yells, "We got em!"
Duck Hunting Joke
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever
I recently signed on as a partner at this vampire hunting firm. I'm a stakeholder now.
What does Matt Damon call it when he shops for cheap clothes? Goodwill Hunting
Two Men Were Hunting Buffalo
One put his ear to the ground
He lifted his head up and said "Buffalo come"
The other said "How do you know?"
He said "ear sticky"
A young muslim couple go out hunting and shoot a monkey
The woman asks, "Shall we eat him?"
The man replies, "No, that's haram, bae!"
An Indian and a cowboy were buffalo hunting together
The Indian suddenly knelt down, pressed his ear against the ground and said "Buffalo come."
The cowboy was amazed by this and asked him "how do you know this?"
The Indian replied: "Sticky."
A hunter went out on a hunting trip. He took his sons cigarettes by mistake. He had an excellent day. He shot 2 bucks, a boar, a black bear, and a unicorn.
Advice from an old native American hunter: Never go hunting for buffalo with a dull spear, it is pointless.
House-hunting in Texas is overwhelming... The market is flooded.
How does Robin Williams go thrift shopping? Good Will Hunting
I like hunting with my vampire friends. It's nice to crack open a boy with the cold ones.
I went to the hunting store to buy some camouflage clothing... But I didn't see anything that I liked.
My wife went mushroom hunting all day and found nothing. I'm offering morel support.
The law of averages
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
They spot a deer and the biologist shoots and misses left by three feet. The chemist shoots and misses right three feet. The statistician shouts "WE HIT IT !"
What did Matt Damon do when he went looking for a used sports coat? He went Goodwill Hunting
A buffalo hunter hired a Native American guide
One day while they were hunting the guide stopped, put his head to the ground and listened, then said "Buffalo Come".
The hunter asked "How can you tell?"
The guide replied, "Ear sticky".
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting... The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells "We got 'em!”
My friend asked me if I like hunting dogs. I said, "Not really. They usually get away."
I went house hunting over the weekend... I went to see a house that had mirrors all over the walls and I could definitely see myself living there.
How do you call a crew hunting for sperm whales ? Seamen of course
Did you hear about the mass shooting at the thrift shop? The killer was said to be goodwill hunting.
Sherlock Holmes and Watson are out hunting some rocks
Sherlock picks up a rock, admiring it. Watson asks, "What kind of rock is that? Igneous?"
Sherlock replies, "Sedimentary, my dear Watson. Sedimentary."
I wasn't sure if I'd find deer out here, until... I saw a sign that said 'Fine for Hunting.'
Say what you will about gun rights advocates... But they really hold deer their hunting rifles.
Two rednecks are duck hunting
1: M R Ducks
2: A R Not
1: O S A R, C M E T B T Wangs?
2: L I B, M R Ducks!
A man gets atacked by a bear while hunting with his friend in the woods
His friend calls 911 and asks "WHAT CAN I DO? I THINK HE'S DEAD!
The man calmly replies: "first you have to make sure he is really dead."
Friend: "alright he is dead what now?"
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician were out hunting... The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
What did the eagle say to the viking after the hunting trip? “Sorry, but this time there’s no trophy for your trophy case, Keenum!”
I bought Deer Hunting 2 for half the price I got Deer Hunting 1... I got more bang for my buck!
Why is Black Friday the best time for you to pick up girls? Because girls are already bargain hunting.
Only picture of my grandfather shows he is either Native American or Mexican. To figure it out I was told to go the woods. If I start hunting, he’s Native American. If I start landscaping, he’s Mexican.
A marriage license is like a hunting license both allow you to take away a life.
My daughter asked what I was doing with my shotgun, I said I was hunting decepticons. She laughed, I laughed, the refrigerator laughed, I shot the refrigerator. Turns out... It's illegal to fire a gun within city limits, I got arrested.
I went looking for a thrift shop and they closed my local one down... Guess I have to do some goodwill hunting.
Trump just lifted the ban on hunting hibernating bears In other words, this gun law says "You have the right to bear" arms.