Contents

Contents

My calculus professor was late 16 minutes for his first class, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes for the third. At this rate, he’ll never be in class on time.

I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!

Actually, graphing is fine, but calculus is my limit.

Why don't white supremacists take calculus in high school? They don't want to see integration in their schools

I failed my calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins. I couldn’t differentiate between them.

My girlfriend is like an advanced calculus class. I don't have a clue what's going on but seems like those others guys are getting it.

My calculus professor was 16 minutes late for his first class, 8 minutes late for his second, and 4 minutes late for the third. At this rate, he will never be in class on time.

When writing your calculus exam, make sure you don't sit between twins. Because you might not be able to differentiate between them.

Why aren't there any Calculus teachers in Little Rock, Arkansas? Because everyone there hates integration.

TIL several states in the South banned calculus from schools in the 1950's. Apparently they opposed integration.

Got pulled over while doing calculus in my car last night Cop said I was deriving over the limit.

Actually, graphing is fine, but calculus is my limit.

Did you know that calculus was never taught in southern schools before the 1960s? They didn't believe in integration.

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
Nothing! You can't cross a vector with a scaler.

(Great math joke that came up in Calculus the other day)

My teacher took off points when I spilled my juice on my Calculus homework... ... Apparently, I shouldn't drink and derive.

I failed my calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.

The problem with math jokes
Calculus jokes are derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are too formulaic but arithmetic jokes are just basic.

The outlier is the occasional statistics pun.

A calculus joke...
Person 1: What's the integral of 1/cabin with respect to cabin?

Person 2: A log cabin!

Person 1: No, a houseboat. You forgot to add the C!!

Math joke
My Calculus teacher told me:"Degrees are essentially useless in this class, we will use radians instead."

I replied:"Is that why you're teaching Calculus?"

College calculus is like a drinking game against a super-heavyweight. Even if you know your limits, you're dead no matter what.

A group of people were hospitalised after a calculus midterm. The cops said they were drinking and deriving.

Calculus has a steep learning curve... But at least you know exactly how steep the learning curve is!

There was a young man weeping
The man was sitting at a library table

A young lady approached him and asked what was wrong

He replied “It’s complicated”

And showed his calculus homework

I was fine with algebra, trigonometry and calculus in school But geometry is where I draw the line!

A calculus joke:
A 120 pound camera sits atop a tripod. How much force does each leg hold?

Whoops. Meant to type 130. Forgot that the camera adds 10 pounds.

Why do calculus teachers hate the Final Fantasy games? The characters keep breaking their limits.

What did the Calculus teacher say when the class got them mad? "Seriously, you guys have reached my limit"

New deep learning system achieves state of the art in solving calculus problems Hopefully it can show me how to integrate my natural log into someone else's vector space

It's unfortunate that revenge doesn't exist in science, because watching calculus plotting revenge against linear algebra It would be graphical

A man brags before his friend : "I'm very fast at calculus !"
So his friend, curious now, asks :

\- 72043 divided by 17 ?

The man immediately replies :

\- 6.

\- But... that's wrong!

\- Yep. But it's fast!

I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins. It was impossible to differentiate between them.

Some people are sceptical of migrants because they think they don't embrace their new country's culture But I teach calculus to international students at my local university, and they all integrate really well.

A calculus professor enters a bar, and is arrested an hour later... Apparently he was drinking and deriving

When God integrated Planet Earth, he thankfully recalled his Calculus lesson. He remembered to add the sea.

My friend was drunkenly doing his calculus homework
You shouldn’t drink and derive, I told him.

Credit: u/zosaj

My whole family bonded over math. Calculus was our religion. Except my grandfather...
...he was against integration.

Credit: Matthew Broussard

I'm tired of people hating on integral calculus for being so shallow! Integrals are more than just the sum of its parts!

I was walking down the street after school when I saw one of the freshman’s in my senior Calculus class getting beat up by 4 dudes. So being the Good Samaritan I am, I joined in to help. That little nerd didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us.

Calculus is seriously aking an effect on my life lol looks like absolute value of 0 to me now.

I don't get why everyone rips on calculus all the time. Sure, it's very difficult. But it contains many integral concepts.

Where do calculus students go when they're injured?
To L'Hospital.

(Yes, I'm aware the true pronunciation is loh-pi-tal)

A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation's top colleges. He travelled by limousine to each destination to give his speech.

After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limousine driver commented that he'd heard the speech enough times, and that even though he didn't understand it, he felt as if he could deliver it word-for-word. So the physicist agreed to trade places and let him give the speech, and the physicist would sit in the back and wear the limousine driver's uniform.

After giving the speech flawlessly, the limousine driver opened the floor for questions from the students (typically there were none). However, at this particular University there was a rather egotistical student who thought he was smart enough to compete mentally with the Nobel physicist. The question took 5 minutes to get out and would require a rather lengthy explanation and some complex calculus to answer.

Without batting an eye, the limousine driver responded to the young student by saying, "The answer to that question is so easy, I'll let my limousine driver, seated in the back, respond."

After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limousine driver commented that he'd heard the speech enough times, and that even though he didn't understand it, he felt as if he could deliver it word-for-word. So the physicist agreed to trade places and let him give the speech, and the physicist would sit in the back and wear the limousine driver's uniform.

After giving the speech flawlessly, the limousine driver opened the floor for questions from the students (typically there were none). However, at this particular University there was a rather egotistical student who thought he was smart enough to compete mentally with the Nobel physicist. The question took 5 minutes to get out and would require a rather lengthy explanation and some complex calculus to answer.

Without batting an eye, the limousine driver responded to the young student by saying, "The answer to that question is so easy, I'll let my limousine driver, seated in the back, respond."

and begin to argue about the intelligence of the waitresses. One mathematician gets up, and on his way to the bathroom stops his server. He tells her: "I'll give you $5 is you answer "one-third x cubed" to the next question I ask you, ok?"

The server nods, and walks away. When the mathematician returns to his table, he tells his colleague: "I bet you $100 that our server can answer a simple calculus problem." He then proceeds to flag down the server and asks her, "What is the indefinite integral of x squared?"

She responds, "one-third x cubed." The man then proceeds to collect his money, only to be interrupted by the server saying "plus a constant."

The server nods, and walks away. When the mathematician returns to his table, he tells his colleague: "I bet you $100 that our server can answer a simple calculus problem." He then proceeds to flag down the server and asks her, "What is the indefinite integral of x squared?"

She responds, "one-third x cubed." The man then proceeds to collect his money, only to be interrupted by the server saying "plus a constant."

Verbatim from what my professor just showed in one of my engineering classes:

e^x and a constant are walking down the street together when the constant sees a differential operator coming their way. He starts to run away, and e^x asks "Why are you running away?" The constant answers, "That's a differential operator. If it acts on me, I'll disappear." e^x says "I'm e^x, I don't have anything to worry about," and keeps walking. When he reaches the differential operator, he says "Hi, I'm e^x."

The differential operator responds, "Hi, I'm d/dy."

e^x and a constant are walking down the street together when the constant sees a differential operator coming their way. He starts to run away, and e^x asks "Why are you running away?" The constant answers, "That's a differential operator. If it acts on me, I'll disappear." e^x says "I'm e^x, I don't have anything to worry about," and keeps walking. When he reaches the differential operator, he says "Hi, I'm e^x."

The differential operator responds, "Hi, I'm d/dy."

So in my calculus class last year in math, there were these two Chinese twins. Ving, and Ling. Ving was always super cool with me. In exchange for answers (he was super smart) I would hang out with him and be his friend and stuff. After I cheated off of him and studied with him though, I did get to be his friend and we got very close. His sister, Ling, was always uptight about school and she made sure to study, she got stressed about a B, etc. One day I was hanging out with Ving, and we started talking about names. He went off on this huge rant about how he hated his, and how he wanted to change it to something more Asian-American, like Lee. I told him that the Courthouse downtown had a form that you could fill to legally change it. He told me:

"I always give you answers. If you could just drive me down to the courthouse this one time, I will never forget you. I just hate this god-forsaken Chinese name and I want to get rid of it forever." He seemed pretty adamant about it, so I decided the best decision would be to take him. We walked out to my car, and right as I put the keys in the ignition Ling came running and tapped on the car door like a madman. I rolled it down and she started freaking out about how Ving's name had been passed down through generations and generations, but Ving didn't care. He just wanted to go down to the Courthouse and get it over with. Ling figured that coming with would be the best idea, so if anything else came up that she would be needed for, she would be there for Ving. Honestly, I felt stuck in the middle of a family feud, so I just took her along.

When we got to the Courthouse, Ving confidently walked up to the front desk and asked the receptionist if he could change his name. She gave him a little packet of paper and told him to sit down. Ling and I waited patiently while Ving filled out his info. I was watching him fill it out and I noticed he really did want to change his name to Lee. Before he finished, though, he started tearing up. He told me he couldn't change his name. He asked the lady at the front that he couldn't do it, and she told him he would need twenty dollars to cancel the request. Ling was so relieved and happy that he changed his mind, she dug through her purse, found the money, and started to hand it to the receptionist.

It was at this moment that the most stereotypical Asian man burst through the doors. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, a visor, American flag shorts, flip flops, everything. This little guy was decked out.

When Ving and his old man saw each other, they both started bawling, and embraced each other. Out of his tears, Ving said

"Dad, I love my name. I want to be Ving forever, and I'm going to name my kids Ving, and they're going to name their kids Ving, and-"

And the old man said "Dont, stop. Be Lee, Ving! Hold onto that fee, Ling."

"I always give you answers. If you could just drive me down to the courthouse this one time, I will never forget you. I just hate this god-forsaken Chinese name and I want to get rid of it forever." He seemed pretty adamant about it, so I decided the best decision would be to take him. We walked out to my car, and right as I put the keys in the ignition Ling came running and tapped on the car door like a madman. I rolled it down and she started freaking out about how Ving's name had been passed down through generations and generations, but Ving didn't care. He just wanted to go down to the Courthouse and get it over with. Ling figured that coming with would be the best idea, so if anything else came up that she would be needed for, she would be there for Ving. Honestly, I felt stuck in the middle of a family feud, so I just took her along.

When we got to the Courthouse, Ving confidently walked up to the front desk and asked the receptionist if he could change his name. She gave him a little packet of paper and told him to sit down. Ling and I waited patiently while Ving filled out his info. I was watching him fill it out and I noticed he really did want to change his name to Lee. Before he finished, though, he started tearing up. He told me he couldn't change his name. He asked the lady at the front that he couldn't do it, and she told him he would need twenty dollars to cancel the request. Ling was so relieved and happy that he changed his mind, she dug through her purse, found the money, and started to hand it to the receptionist.

It was at this moment that the most stereotypical Asian man burst through the doors. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, a visor, American flag shorts, flip flops, everything. This little guy was decked out.

When Ving and his old man saw each other, they both started bawling, and embraced each other. Out of his tears, Ving said

"Dad, I love my name. I want to be Ving forever, and I'm going to name my kids Ving, and they're going to name their kids Ving, and-"

And the old man said "Dont, stop. Be Lee, Ving! Hold onto that fee, Ling."

Two professors are at a restaurant, arguing about the state of education today. "Nobody learns calculus anymore," lamented the first. "That's not true," replied the second, "it's part of the freshman curriculum."

"Okay, I'll tell you what," offered the first professor, "we'll ask the waitress a simple calculus question; if she gets it right, lunch is on me." The second professor agreed, but said, "But give me a minute, I have to use the bathroom, first."

So the second professor gets up and heads toward the restrooms. Before he gets there, though, he finds the waitress and says, "This may seem weird, but my colleague is going to ask you a question. When he does, I want you to say, 'x cubed over three', okay?" The waitress agrees, and the second professor returns to the table.

After a couple minutes, the waitress comes by to ask if everything is okay. The first professor asks her, "My friend and I were just discussing whether or not people bother to learn calculus anymore. Can you tell me, what's the integral of x squared?"

Dutifully, the waitress answers, "x cubed over three."

"Well I'll be, I guess you were right!" exclaims the first professor, "Looks like lunch is on me!"

Walking away, the waitress is heard to say, "Plus a constant..."

Source: rec.humor.funny (Geez, I'm old!)

"Okay, I'll tell you what," offered the first professor, "we'll ask the waitress a simple calculus question; if she gets it right, lunch is on me." The second professor agreed, but said, "But give me a minute, I have to use the bathroom, first."

So the second professor gets up and heads toward the restrooms. Before he gets there, though, he finds the waitress and says, "This may seem weird, but my colleague is going to ask you a question. When he does, I want you to say, 'x cubed over three', okay?" The waitress agrees, and the second professor returns to the table.

After a couple minutes, the waitress comes by to ask if everything is okay. The first professor asks her, "My friend and I were just discussing whether or not people bother to learn calculus anymore. Can you tell me, what's the integral of x squared?"

Dutifully, the waitress answers, "x cubed over three."

"Well I'll be, I guess you were right!" exclaims the first professor, "Looks like lunch is on me!"

Walking away, the waitress is heard to say, "Plus a constant..."

Source: rec.humor.funny (Geez, I'm old!)

A girl was starting to study for her AP exams, and her parents bought her a new calculator to help her out. The next day, she took the calculator in to class and started using it. The moment she started hitting the keys, she heard a guitar playing country music. Startled, she stopped and put it back in her bag. During a break, she investigated further. She keyed in 2+2 and the guitar started again.

That’s odd, she thought, but I’m sure it’s nothing. It’s just a little annoying.

She went on to do her homework with the device, but by the end of the day, she was so sick of it playing music that she decided to take it to a service shop.

“Can I help you?” asked the employee.

“My parents gave this to me yesterday. It’s brand new, but I think there’s something wrong with it,” she said as she handed the calculator over.

The employee pressed a few buttons and guitar began. When he stopped, the music stopped as well.

“What’s the problem?” he asked.

This took the girl by surprise. “Well, it’s the music.”

“Okay,” replied the employee.

This has to be a joke, she thought, and continued: “I started doing addition and subtraction and it started playing some country music.”

“Okay,” he replied again.

“And then I tried multiplication and division, and I know this sounds crazy, but a fiddle joined in.”

“Right.”

“By the time I got to my actual calculus work, I swear it was playing zydeco!”

“Well, I don’t really see the problem then,” he said, handing it back. “It’s not going to sing for you. It’s a Texas Instrumental.”

That’s odd, she thought, but I’m sure it’s nothing. It’s just a little annoying.

She went on to do her homework with the device, but by the end of the day, she was so sick of it playing music that she decided to take it to a service shop.

“Can I help you?” asked the employee.

“My parents gave this to me yesterday. It’s brand new, but I think there’s something wrong with it,” she said as she handed the calculator over.

The employee pressed a few buttons and guitar began. When he stopped, the music stopped as well.

“What’s the problem?” he asked.

This took the girl by surprise. “Well, it’s the music.”

“Okay,” replied the employee.

This has to be a joke, she thought, and continued: “I started doing addition and subtraction and it started playing some country music.”

“Okay,” he replied again.

“And then I tried multiplication and division, and I know this sounds crazy, but a fiddle joined in.”

“Right.”

“By the time I got to my actual calculus work, I swear it was playing zydeco!”

“Well, I don’t really see the problem then,” he said, handing it back. “It’s not going to sing for you. It’s a Texas Instrumental.”

So in my calculus class last year in math, there were these two Chinese twins. Ving, and Ling. Ving was always super cool with me. In exchange for answers (he was super smart) I would hang out with him and be his friend and stuff. After I cheated off of him and studied with him though, I did get to be his friend and we got very close. His sister, Ling, was always uptight about school and she made sure to study, she got stressed about a B, etc. One day I was hanging out with Ving, and we started talking about names. He went off on this huge rant about how he hated his, and how he wanted to change it to something more Asian-American, like Lee. I told him that the Courthouse downtown had a form that you could fill to legally change it. He told me:

"I always give you answers. If you could just drive me down to the courthouse this one time, I will never forget you. I just hate this god-forsaken Chinese name and I want to get rid of it forever." He seemed pretty adamant about it, so I decided the best decision would be to take him. We walked out to my car, and right as I put the keys in the ignition Ling came running and tapped on the car door like a madman. I rolled it down and she started freaking out about how Ving's name had been passed down through generations and generations, but Ving didn't care. He just wanted to go down to the Courthouse and get it over with. Ling figured that coming with would be the best idea, so if anything else came up that she would be needed for, she would be there for Ving. Honestly, I felt stuck in the middle of a family feud, so I just took her along.

When we got to the Courthouse, Ving confidently walked up to the front desk and asked the receptionist if he could change his name. She gave him a little packet of paper and told him to sit down. Ling and I waited patiently while Ving filled out his info. I was watching him fill it out and I noticed he really did want to change his name to Lee. Before he finished, though, he started tearing up. He told me he couldn't change his name. He asked the lady at the front that he couldn't do it, and she told him he would need twenty dollars to cancel the request. Ling was so relieved and happy that he changed his mind, she dug through her purse, found the money, and started to hand it to the receptionist.

It was at this moment that the most stereotypical Asian man burst through the doors. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, a visor, American flag shorts, flip flops, everything. This little guy was decked out.

When Ving and his old man saw each other, they both started bawling, and embraced each other. Out of his tears, Ving said

"Dad, I love my name. I want to be Ving forever, and I'm going to name my kids Ving, and they're going to name their kids Ving, and-"

And the old man said "Dont, stop. Be Lee, Ving! Hold onto that fee, Ling."

"I always give you answers. If you could just drive me down to the courthouse this one time, I will never forget you. I just hate this god-forsaken Chinese name and I want to get rid of it forever." He seemed pretty adamant about it, so I decided the best decision would be to take him. We walked out to my car, and right as I put the keys in the ignition Ling came running and tapped on the car door like a madman. I rolled it down and she started freaking out about how Ving's name had been passed down through generations and generations, but Ving didn't care. He just wanted to go down to the Courthouse and get it over with. Ling figured that coming with would be the best idea, so if anything else came up that she would be needed for, she would be there for Ving. Honestly, I felt stuck in the middle of a family feud, so I just took her along.

When we got to the Courthouse, Ving confidently walked up to the front desk and asked the receptionist if he could change his name. She gave him a little packet of paper and told him to sit down. Ling and I waited patiently while Ving filled out his info. I was watching him fill it out and I noticed he really did want to change his name to Lee. Before he finished, though, he started tearing up. He told me he couldn't change his name. He asked the lady at the front that he couldn't do it, and she told him he would need twenty dollars to cancel the request. Ling was so relieved and happy that he changed his mind, she dug through her purse, found the money, and started to hand it to the receptionist.

It was at this moment that the most stereotypical Asian man burst through the doors. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, a visor, American flag shorts, flip flops, everything. This little guy was decked out.

When Ving and his old man saw each other, they both started bawling, and embraced each other. Out of his tears, Ving said

"Dad, I love my name. I want to be Ving forever, and I'm going to name my kids Ving, and they're going to name their kids Ving, and-"

And the old man said "Dont, stop. Be Lee, Ving! Hold onto that fee, Ling."

So a man who has lived in this particular apartment complex for a few years goes to get his mail and he notices an absolutely breathtaking woman getting her mail. He realizes she must have recently moved in because he has never seen her before. He makes small talk with her and they start flirting, and they are both immediately sexually attracted to each other. She begins to tell him all the things she wants to do to him, and they feel the need to leave the mail room, so she says "I hear somebody coming. Let's go to my room, and hang out." Well they go to her apartment, and she says that she needs to slip into something a little more comfortable. A few minutes go by, anticipation keeps building up. Well she comes out in some lingerie and he is speechless. She asks him "What part of my body impresses you the most?" And he starts stuttering and finally says "Well there is a lot about you that impresses me, but the part of your body that impresses me the most is your ears." She has no clue how to react. She says "Are you kidding me? I have been on the cover of Vogue magazine, and my body is insured for millions of dollars. Why in gods name would my ears impress you the most?" and he says "Well back in the mail room, you said you heard somebody cumming, and that was me."

Note: My calculus professor would tell a pretty crude joke everyday when I took his class last quarter and this was one of the jokes. Gave me a good laugh.

Note: My calculus professor would tell a pretty crude joke everyday when I took his class last quarter and this was one of the jokes. Gave me a good laugh.

After waiting 20 minutes with little movement, he decides to catch up on his homework. 5 Minutes in, he feels thirsty and realizes he has an unopened bottle of Coke in his backpack. He takes it out and opens it. However, as soon as he takes his first sip, a nearby police car start flashing it's lights and orders him to pull over to the side. When the cop reaches his car, the student asks:

"What am I being stopped for?"

The cop answers:

"Drinking and deriving."

"What am I being stopped for?"

The cop answers:

"Drinking and deriving."

So in my calculus class last year in math, there were these two Chinese twins. Ving, and Ling. Ving was always super cool with me. In exchange for answers (he was super smart) I would hang out with him and be his friend and stuff. After I cheated off of him and studied with him though, I did get to be his friend and we got very close. His sister, Ling, was always uptight about school and she made sure to study, she got stressed about a B, etc. One day I was hanging out with Ving, and we started talking about names. He went off on this huge rant about how he hated his, and how he wanted to change it to something more Asian-American, like Lee. I told him that the Courthouse downtown had a form that you could fill to legally change it. He told me:

"I always give you answers. If you could just drive me down to the courthouse this one time, I will never forget you. I just hate this god-forsaken Chinese name and I want to get rid of it forever." He seemed pretty adamant about it, so I decided the best decision would be to take him. We walked out to my car, and right as I put the keys in the ignition Ling came running and tapped on the car door like a madman. I rolled it down and she started freaking out about how Ving's name had been passed down through generations and generations, but Ving didn't care. He just wanted to go down to the Courthouse and get it over with. Ling figured that coming with would be the best idea, so if anything else came up that she would be needed for, she would be there for Ving. Honestly, I felt stuck in the middle of a family feud, so I just took her along.

When we got to the Courthouse, Ving confidently walked up to the front desk and asked the receptionist if he could change his name. She gave him a little packet of paper and told him to sit down. Ling and I waited patiently while Ving filled out his info. I was watching him fill it out and I noticed he really did want to change his name to Lee. Before he finished, though, he started tearing up. He told me he couldn't change his name. He asked the lady at the front that he couldn't do it, and she told him he would need twenty dollars to cancel the request. Ling was so relieved and happy that he changed his mind, she dug through her purse, found the money, and started to hand it to the receptionist.

It was at this moment that the most stereotypical Asian man burst through the doors. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, a visor, American flag shorts, flip flops, everything. This little guy was decked out.

When Ving and his old man saw each other, they both started bawling, and embraced each other. Out of his tears, Ving said

"Dad, I love my name. I want to be Ving forever, and I'm going to name my kids Ving, and they're going to name their kids Ving, and-"

And the old man said "Dont, stop. Be Lee, Ving! Hold onto that fee, Ling."

"I always give you answers. If you could just drive me down to the courthouse this one time, I will never forget you. I just hate this god-forsaken Chinese name and I want to get rid of it forever." He seemed pretty adamant about it, so I decided the best decision would be to take him. We walked out to my car, and right as I put the keys in the ignition Ling came running and tapped on the car door like a madman. I rolled it down and she started freaking out about how Ving's name had been passed down through generations and generations, but Ving didn't care. He just wanted to go down to the Courthouse and get it over with. Ling figured that coming with would be the best idea, so if anything else came up that she would be needed for, she would be there for Ving. Honestly, I felt stuck in the middle of a family feud, so I just took her along.

When we got to the Courthouse, Ving confidently walked up to the front desk and asked the receptionist if he could change his name. She gave him a little packet of paper and told him to sit down. Ling and I waited patiently while Ving filled out his info. I was watching him fill it out and I noticed he really did want to change his name to Lee. Before he finished, though, he started tearing up. He told me he couldn't change his name. He asked the lady at the front that he couldn't do it, and she told him he would need twenty dollars to cancel the request. Ling was so relieved and happy that he changed his mind, she dug through her purse, found the money, and started to hand it to the receptionist.

It was at this moment that the most stereotypical Asian man burst through the doors. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, a visor, American flag shorts, flip flops, everything. This little guy was decked out.

When Ving and his old man saw each other, they both started bawling, and embraced each other. Out of his tears, Ving said

"Dad, I love my name. I want to be Ving forever, and I'm going to name my kids Ving, and they're going to name their kids Ving, and-"

And the old man said "Dont, stop. Be Lee, Ving! Hold onto that fee, Ling."

The first one says: "The average person is, mathematically, an idiot. People don't know algebra, can't figure out percents, can't read a simple graph, and don't even get me started on calculus..."

The second professor disagrees, "Surely you're exaggerating. Most people know all the math they need to know, or more."

Some time later, the first professor goes to the men's room. The other mathematician beckons to the waitress and says, "Next time you come to our table, I am going to ask you a question. No matter what I ask, I want you to answer by saying 'x-squared'. Please don't mess it up and there's an extra tip coming your way."

The waitress agrees. When the first mathematician returns, his companion says, "So lets put your theory to the test. I am going to ask some random person who comes by our table an elementary calculus question, and we'll see if they can solve it."

Soon the waitress comes by and he says, "Excuse me, Miss, can you bring me more tea, please -- and by the way -- can you tell me what the integral of 2x with respect to x is?"

The waitress replies, "Certainly sir, more tea it is. And it's x-squared."

The mathematician says, "See! What did I tell you?" His friend is dumbfounded.

The waitress, meanwhile, goes to bring tea, and, having turned her back on the two professors, mutters under her breath: "Plus a constant."

The second professor disagrees, "Surely you're exaggerating. Most people know all the math they need to know, or more."

Some time later, the first professor goes to the men's room. The other mathematician beckons to the waitress and says, "Next time you come to our table, I am going to ask you a question. No matter what I ask, I want you to answer by saying 'x-squared'. Please don't mess it up and there's an extra tip coming your way."

The waitress agrees. When the first mathematician returns, his companion says, "So lets put your theory to the test. I am going to ask some random person who comes by our table an elementary calculus question, and we'll see if they can solve it."

Soon the waitress comes by and he says, "Excuse me, Miss, can you bring me more tea, please -- and by the way -- can you tell me what the integral of 2x with respect to x is?"

The waitress replies, "Certainly sir, more tea it is. And it's x-squared."

The mathematician says, "See! What did I tell you?" His friend is dumbfounded.

The waitress, meanwhile, goes to bring tea, and, having turned her back on the two professors, mutters under her breath: "Plus a constant."

Two mathematicians walk into a bar and begin to argue about the intelligence of the waitresses. One mathematician gets up, and on his way to the bathroom stops his server. He tells her: "I'll give you $5 is you answer "one-third x cubed" to the next question I ask you, OK?"

The server nods, and walks away. When the mathematician returns to his table, he tells his colleague: "I bet you $100 that our server can answer a simple calculus problem."

He then proceeds to flag down the server and asks her,

"What is the indefinite integral of x squared?"

She responds, "one-third x cubed."

The man then proceeds to collect his money, only to be interrupted by the server saying "plus a constant."

The server nods, and walks away. When the mathematician returns to his table, he tells his colleague: "I bet you $100 that our server can answer a simple calculus problem."

He then proceeds to flag down the server and asks her,

"What is the indefinite integral of x squared?"

She responds, "one-third x cubed."

The man then proceeds to collect his money, only to be interrupted by the server saying "plus a constant."

Beginner

1. Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal?

Because he would have to convert.

2. Why do plants hate math?

It gives them square roots.

3. Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?

It was a mean thing to say!

4. Why was the math book depressed?

It had a lot of problems.

5. Why is the obtuse triangle always so frustrated?

Because it is never right.

6. Why can you never trust a math teacher holding graphing paper?

They must be plotting something.

7. Why was the equal sign so humble?

Because she knew she wasn’t greater than or less than anyone else.

8. What do you call the number 7 and the number 3 when they go out on a date?

The odd couple (but 7 is in her prime).

9. What do you call a number that can’t stay in one place?

A Roamin’ numeral.

10. Did you hear the one about the statistician?

Probably.

11. What do you call dudes who love math?

Algebros.

12. I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trig. I’ll even do statistics.

But graphing is where I draw the line!

13. Why should you never talk to Pi?

Because she’ll go on and on and on forever.

14. Why are parallel lines so tragic if they have so much in common?

It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

15. Are monsters good at math?

Not unless you Count Dracula.

16. What’s the best way to flirt with a math teacher?

Use acute angle.

17. Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?

They’d stop at nothing to avoid them.

18. How do you stay warm in any room?

Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.

19. Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven eight nine!

20. Why DID seven eat nine?

Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!

21. Why does nobody talk to circles?

Because there is no point.

22. Dear Algebra, stop trying to find your X.

They’re never coming back — don’t ask Y.

23. Teacher: Why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?

Student: You told me not to use tables.

24. After a sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.

“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

25. There are three kinds of people in the world:

Those who can count and those who can’t.

Intermediate

26. Why should you never mention the number 288?

Because it’s “two” gross.

27. What do you call a man who spent all summer at the beach?

A tangent. (A tan gent.)

28. What do baby parabolas drink?

Quadratic formula.

29. My girlfriend is the square root of –100.

She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.

30. What’s the best way to serve pi?

A la mode. Anything else is mean.

31. Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?

It was 3 feet deep, on average.

32. How do you get from point A to point B?

Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.

33. The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic.

But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.

34. Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?

A: To get to the same side.

35. An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.

Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc., extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.

Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, “Ah, a solution exists!” and then goes back to bed.

36. There are three people applying for the same job at a bank: a mathematician, a statistician, and an accountant.

The interviewing committee asks the mathematician one question: What is 500 plus 500? The mathematician answers “1,000” without hesitation, and they send him along. Next, they call in the statistician and ask the same question. He thinks for a moment and answers “1,000… I’m 95 percent confident.” When the accountant comes in, he is asked the same question: “What is 500 + 500?” He bows and replies, “What would you like it to be?”

They hire the accountant.

1. Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal?

Because he would have to convert.

2. Why do plants hate math?

It gives them square roots.

3. Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?

It was a mean thing to say!

4. Why was the math book depressed?

It had a lot of problems.

5. Why is the obtuse triangle always so frustrated?

Because it is never right.

6. Why can you never trust a math teacher holding graphing paper?

They must be plotting something.

7. Why was the equal sign so humble?

Because she knew she wasn’t greater than or less than anyone else.

8. What do you call the number 7 and the number 3 when they go out on a date?

The odd couple (but 7 is in her prime).

9. What do you call a number that can’t stay in one place?

A Roamin’ numeral.

10. Did you hear the one about the statistician?

Probably.

11. What do you call dudes who love math?

Algebros.

12. I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trig. I’ll even do statistics.

But graphing is where I draw the line!

13. Why should you never talk to Pi?

Because she’ll go on and on and on forever.

14. Why are parallel lines so tragic if they have so much in common?

It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

15. Are monsters good at math?

Not unless you Count Dracula.

16. What’s the best way to flirt with a math teacher?

Use acute angle.

17. Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?

They’d stop at nothing to avoid them.

18. How do you stay warm in any room?

Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.

19. Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven eight nine!

20. Why DID seven eat nine?

Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!

21. Why does nobody talk to circles?

Because there is no point.

22. Dear Algebra, stop trying to find your X.

They’re never coming back — don’t ask Y.

23. Teacher: Why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?

Student: You told me not to use tables.

24. After a sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.

“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

25. There are three kinds of people in the world:

Those who can count and those who can’t.

Intermediate

26. Why should you never mention the number 288?

Because it’s “two” gross.

27. What do you call a man who spent all summer at the beach?

A tangent. (A tan gent.)

28. What do baby parabolas drink?

Quadratic formula.

29. My girlfriend is the square root of –100.

She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.

30. What’s the best way to serve pi?

A la mode. Anything else is mean.

31. Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?

It was 3 feet deep, on average.

32. How do you get from point A to point B?

Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.

33. The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic.

But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.

34. Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?

A: To get to the same side.

35. An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.

Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc., extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.

Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, “Ah, a solution exists!” and then goes back to bed.

36. There are three people applying for the same job at a bank: a mathematician, a statistician, and an accountant.

The interviewing committee asks the mathematician one question: What is 500 plus 500? The mathematician answers “1,000” without hesitation, and they send him along. Next, they call in the statistician and ask the same question. He thinks for a moment and answers “1,000… I’m 95 percent confident.” When the accountant comes in, he is asked the same question: “What is 500 + 500?” He bows and replies, “What would you like it to be?”

They hire the accountant.

I'm not really good at writing stories so bear with me.

Simon, a high school student, passed his sophomore year with a 100% in Algebra 2. Thinking he was the most outstanding student ever, he went to his counselor to ask if he can skip directly to Calculus AB.

"Calculus is a very rigorous subject," the counselor advised, "You need to take Precalculus first."

"Well I heard Precalculus is mostly review from Algebra 2," Simon reasoned, "I believe I can handle the difficulties at my skill level."

The counselor saw that Simon was adamant and would not take no for an answer, so he complied with a sigh.

When the school year started, Simon went to class thinking he must be the youngest student there, and he was pretty smug about it. All went well until the second week, things started to fall apart...

The teacher, Mr. Wong (yes ik that sounds like Mr. Kuang) started going into derivatives. Simon realized that he was struggling to understand the lessons! However his pride made him keep everything to himself. Simon thought eventually things will move on.

By the chapter test, Simon was panicking. The test is worth 15% of his grade, yet he doesn't understand a single concept!

As you probably guessed, Simon got a 17% on the test.

Crying, he went back to his counselor and begged to be moved back to Precalculus.

His counselor shook his head and sighed, "You should have known your limits."

Simon, a high school student, passed his sophomore year with a 100% in Algebra 2. Thinking he was the most outstanding student ever, he went to his counselor to ask if he can skip directly to Calculus AB.

"Calculus is a very rigorous subject," the counselor advised, "You need to take Precalculus first."

"Well I heard Precalculus is mostly review from Algebra 2," Simon reasoned, "I believe I can handle the difficulties at my skill level."

The counselor saw that Simon was adamant and would not take no for an answer, so he complied with a sigh.

When the school year started, Simon went to class thinking he must be the youngest student there, and he was pretty smug about it. All went well until the second week, things started to fall apart...

The teacher, Mr. Wong (yes ik that sounds like Mr. Kuang) started going into derivatives. Simon realized that he was struggling to understand the lessons! However his pride made him keep everything to himself. Simon thought eventually things will move on.

By the chapter test, Simon was panicking. The test is worth 15% of his grade, yet he doesn't understand a single concept!

As you probably guessed, Simon got a 17% on the test.

Crying, he went back to his counselor and begged to be moved back to Precalculus.

His counselor shook his head and sighed, "You should have known your limits."

Two college professors are having lunch at a local diner.

John (a math professor) says "you know, it really is sad how very little the general population understands higher math."

Bill (a physics professor) responds "There you go again with your holier-than-thou attitude, I'm sure more people know higher math than you think."

John: "Yeah? Prove it then, if one other person in this restaurant can correctly answer 'what's the integral of x-squared', I'll buy your lunch."

Bill: "Alright then, let's make it interesting. If their answer is not 'x-cubed over three', I'll buy YOUR lunch."

John: "Fine, whatever. I have to go to the bathroom."

When John leaves the table, Bill calls the server over. Not wanting to lose the bet, he asks her "when my friend returns, I need you to do me a favor. I'm going to ask you a question, and you need to answer 'x-cubed over three'. Can you do that for me?"

The server is annoyed but reluctantly agrees. A minute later John returns to the table, and Bill calls the server over again.

Bill: "Here we go John, I'll prove it to you by asking our server. Dear, what is the integral of x-squared?"

Server: "x-cubed over three."

John is dumbfounded. Bill is Just about to rub his victory in John's face when the server turns to him and says "plus C".

John (a math professor) says "you know, it really is sad how very little the general population understands higher math."

Bill (a physics professor) responds "There you go again with your holier-than-thou attitude, I'm sure more people know higher math than you think."

John: "Yeah? Prove it then, if one other person in this restaurant can correctly answer 'what's the integral of x-squared', I'll buy your lunch."

Bill: "Alright then, let's make it interesting. If their answer is not 'x-cubed over three', I'll buy YOUR lunch."

John: "Fine, whatever. I have to go to the bathroom."

When John leaves the table, Bill calls the server over. Not wanting to lose the bet, he asks her "when my friend returns, I need you to do me a favor. I'm going to ask you a question, and you need to answer 'x-cubed over three'. Can you do that for me?"

The server is annoyed but reluctantly agrees. A minute later John returns to the table, and Bill calls the server over again.

Bill: "Here we go John, I'll prove it to you by asking our server. Dear, what is the integral of x-squared?"

Server: "x-cubed over three."

John is dumbfounded. Bill is Just about to rub his victory in John's face when the server turns to him and says "plus C".

Courtesy of my math professor:

Two mathematicians go to a bar after a rigorous day of number crunching. After a few drinks, the first mathematician begins to lament the current state of the general public's mathematical knowledge.

"People just don't know their calculus anymore!"

"I don't think that's true," replies the second, " I bet they know more than you think".

"Let's make it a real bet then," says the first, " I'll bet you $100.00 that if I ask *her* a simple question, she won't be able to answer at all"

The subject of the bet was to be a particularly ditzy looking young waitress.

"You're on"

Before the bet commences, the first runs to the restroom. In the interim, the second calls the waitress over and informs her of the nature of the bet, telling her he'll give her $10 if she answers his question with "x cubed".

"X cubed," She repeats to herself, "I think I can handle that".

The first mathematician returns, ready to start the bet. They call the waitress back over and the second pretends not to know her, saying

"Excuse me miss, but I was hoping you could answer a simple question for me, what is the indefinite integral of 3x squared?"

"That's simple, it's x cubed!"

Dumbfounded, the first man admits defeat and hands over $100 to his friend. The waitress begins to walk away, but then quickly turns around.

"Hey, I forgot something," she exclaims, "Plus an arbitrary constant C!"

Two mathematicians go to a bar after a rigorous day of number crunching. After a few drinks, the first mathematician begins to lament the current state of the general public's mathematical knowledge.

"People just don't know their calculus anymore!"

"I don't think that's true," replies the second, " I bet they know more than you think".

"Let's make it a real bet then," says the first, " I'll bet you $100.00 that if I ask *her* a simple question, she won't be able to answer at all"

The subject of the bet was to be a particularly ditzy looking young waitress.

"You're on"

Before the bet commences, the first runs to the restroom. In the interim, the second calls the waitress over and informs her of the nature of the bet, telling her he'll give her $10 if she answers his question with "x cubed".

"X cubed," She repeats to herself, "I think I can handle that".

The first mathematician returns, ready to start the bet. They call the waitress back over and the second pretends not to know her, saying

"Excuse me miss, but I was hoping you could answer a simple question for me, what is the indefinite integral of 3x squared?"

"That's simple, it's x cubed!"

Dumbfounded, the first man admits defeat and hands over $100 to his friend. The waitress begins to walk away, but then quickly turns around.

"Hey, I forgot something," she exclaims, "Plus an arbitrary constant C!"

Little Johnny was at his class (Fourth Grade) during calculus.

His teacher asks the class a question:

-If there are 3 birds sitting on a tree and a bad hunter shoots one, how many birds will be left on the tree?

Little Helen raises her hand immediately full of excitement and answers that there will be 2 birds left so her teacher says: -that is correct. Little Johnny, though, raises his hand right away full of anger and says to the teacher:-I think that none of the birds will be left since the gunshot will scare the other 2 away. His teacher then answers to him:

-Johnny this is just calculus but I like the way you're thinking.

So, Johnny then sits, sceptic and clearly offended until he raises his hand again:

-Mrs. White can I ask you a question?

-Sure Johnny, says the teacher.

-There are 3 ladies sitting in a park, each one is eating an ice-cream. First one is sucking it, second one is biting it and third one is putting it deep inside her mouth, which one is married ?

After putting some deep thought on it the teacher answers:

-I suppose the one putting it deep in her mouth.

And Little Johnny responds:

-You're wrong, it's the lady who is wearing a wedding ring but I like the way you're thinking.

His teacher asks the class a question:

-If there are 3 birds sitting on a tree and a bad hunter shoots one, how many birds will be left on the tree?

Little Helen raises her hand immediately full of excitement and answers that there will be 2 birds left so her teacher says: -that is correct. Little Johnny, though, raises his hand right away full of anger and says to the teacher:-I think that none of the birds will be left since the gunshot will scare the other 2 away. His teacher then answers to him:

-Johnny this is just calculus but I like the way you're thinking.

So, Johnny then sits, sceptic and clearly offended until he raises his hand again:

-Mrs. White can I ask you a question?

-Sure Johnny, says the teacher.

-There are 3 ladies sitting in a park, each one is eating an ice-cream. First one is sucking it, second one is biting it and third one is putting it deep inside her mouth, which one is married ?

After putting some deep thought on it the teacher answers:

-I suppose the one putting it deep in her mouth.

And Little Johnny responds:

-You're wrong, it's the lady who is wearing a wedding ring but I like the way you're thinking.

The first mathematician insisted that the general American populace was woefully inadequate when it came to understanding even basic math, while the second felt the average person knew more than they were given credit. They made a friendly wager and agreed that the next time their waitress came by, they would ask the waitress a simple calculus question: the integral of 2x dx. If she didn't know the answer, the first mathematician would win. If, however, the waitress was able to give the correct answer, the second mathematician would win.

After a short while, the first mathematician excused himself to go to the restroom, and the second mathematician urgently called over the waitress.

"Hi, sorry to bother you," said the second mathematician, "but my colleague and I have a bet going and I'd like to ask a favor: the next time you swing by the table, we'll ask you a question. Would you mind just answering 'x-squared'?" The waitress nodded approvingly with a "Sure thing," and headed off.

The first mathematician returned to the table, and soon enough, the waitress came back to the table to check on them.

The first mathematician looked up at the waitress. "I have a bet going with my colleague here. I was wondering if I could ask you a math question."

"OK, shoot."

"What is the integral of 2x dx?" he asked, a wry and slightly condescending smile appearing on his face. The waitress looked at the pair of them, and said plainly, "x-squared."

"A-ha!" said the second mathematician. "You see, my good man, the average person does know more than you assumed!" Shrugging, the first man reluctantly agreed. "Yes, I suppose you're right. How much did we wager again?"

Before the first mathematician could fish out the money from his wallet and grumble, the waitress cut in: "I'm sorry, but you forgot the constant."

After a short while, the first mathematician excused himself to go to the restroom, and the second mathematician urgently called over the waitress.

"Hi, sorry to bother you," said the second mathematician, "but my colleague and I have a bet going and I'd like to ask a favor: the next time you swing by the table, we'll ask you a question. Would you mind just answering 'x-squared'?" The waitress nodded approvingly with a "Sure thing," and headed off.

The first mathematician returned to the table, and soon enough, the waitress came back to the table to check on them.

The first mathematician looked up at the waitress. "I have a bet going with my colleague here. I was wondering if I could ask you a math question."

"OK, shoot."

"What is the integral of 2x dx?" he asked, a wry and slightly condescending smile appearing on his face. The waitress looked at the pair of them, and said plainly, "x-squared."

"A-ha!" said the second mathematician. "You see, my good man, the average person does know more than you assumed!" Shrugging, the first man reluctantly agreed. "Yes, I suppose you're right. How much did we wager again?"

Before the first mathematician could fish out the money from his wallet and grumble, the waitress cut in: "I'm sorry, but you forgot the constant."

Four friends have been doing really well in their Calculus class: they have been getting top grades for their homework and on the midterm. So, when it's time for the final, they decide not to study on the weekend before, but to drive to another friend's birthday party in another city - even though the exam is scheduled for Monday morning. As it happens, they drink too much at the party, and on Monday morning, they are all hung over and oversleep. When they finally arrive on campus, the exam is already over.

They go to the professor's office and offer him an explanation: "We went to our friend's birthday party, and when we were driving back home very early on Monday morning, we suddenly had a flat tire. We had no spare one, and since we were driving on backroads, it took hours until we got help."

The professor nods sympathetically and says: "I see that it was not your fault. I will allow you to make up for the missed exam tomorrow morning."

When they arrive early on Tuesday morning, the students are put by the professor in a large lecture hall and are seated so far apart from each other that, even if they tried, they had no chance to cheat. The exam booklets are already in place, and confidently, the students start writing. The first question - five points out of one hundred - is a simple exercise in differentiation, and all four finish it within ten minutes.

When the first of them has completed the problem, he turns over the page of the exam booklet and reads on the next one:

Problem 2 (95 points out of 100): Which tire went flat?

They go to the professor's office and offer him an explanation: "We went to our friend's birthday party, and when we were driving back home very early on Monday morning, we suddenly had a flat tire. We had no spare one, and since we were driving on backroads, it took hours until we got help."

The professor nods sympathetically and says: "I see that it was not your fault. I will allow you to make up for the missed exam tomorrow morning."

When they arrive early on Tuesday morning, the students are put by the professor in a large lecture hall and are seated so far apart from each other that, even if they tried, they had no chance to cheat. The exam booklets are already in place, and confidently, the students start writing. The first question - five points out of one hundred - is a simple exercise in differentiation, and all four finish it within ten minutes.

When the first of them has completed the problem, he turns over the page of the exam booklet and reads on the next one:

Problem 2 (95 points out of 100): Which tire went flat?

A mathematician goes a little wacky in the brain, so they put him in a Psychiatric Ward. While there, he realizes he can have a little bit of fun with the other patients. He walks up to one patient and says "Hey, get out of my face before I differentiate you!" Terrified, the mental patient runs away. "This is fun," the mathematician says to himself. He walks up to another patient eating ice cream and says "If you don't give me that ice cream, I'll integrate you!" The patient quickly hands it over and runs away, terrified. The mathematician walks up to a third patient and says "Hey, I'll derive you!" The patient isn't phased. "Hey! I'll integrate you!" Once again, no reaction. "Why aren't you afraid of me?" the mathematician asks the patient. The patient slowly turns his head and says "I'm e^x."