Valentines Day Jokes


Funniest Valentines Day Jokes

My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!" I repied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

If any of you are sad about being alone on valentines day, just remember... that nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and valentine's day shouldn't be any different.

My wife just called me. She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous."

I said, "Well that's probably why they've received flowers then."

My wife said she wanted to feel special this Valentines Day. So I bought her a helmet and some crayons.

My wife just called me. She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous."

I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

Funny Valentines Day Jokes

My wife called me on Valentine's Day She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous."

I said, "Well that's probably why they've received flowers then."

It's still Valentines day for another hour.. Roses are red
Violets are blue
No, they are violet

I bought my girlfriend a pink vibrator for valentines day. She told me as long as she has me she won't need it. I told her "actually that's what I'm here to talk about"

(My only Valentines day related joke) If the Swan symbolizes happiness, what bird symbolizes true love? The Swallow.

How do you kiss a girl on valentines day? You use tulips.

Me and girlfriend don't usually do anything for valentines day, thought I'd surprise her so I booked a table for us, she was so excited when I told her Never realised she liked snooker so much.

I received a bunch of flowers for valentines day, with the heads cut off I think I was being stalked

If I worked in a restaurant.... on Valentines Day I'd put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink.

Picked up two HOT girls on valentines day ... First time i ever had two HOT GIRLS at the same time.

I love driving for UBER.

Ill be spending this Valentines day like Han. Solo.

My girlfriend told me that on valentines day she wants to get treated like a princess So I got her assassinated in a French underpass.

I love Valentines Day. The bottle of wine. The Heart-Shaped Ice Cream Cake... Taking them home and eating them alone while crying and watching youtube videos.

Good times.

This Valentines Day, I want to really surprise my wife. So I'm gonna introduce her to my girlfriend.

Palm Sunday For Dads ... Fathers Day,
For mothers ... Mothers Day,
For Lovers ... Valentines Day
For Wankers there is Palm Sunday

I'm not doing anything cheesy for my girlfriend on valentines day... She's lactose intolerant.

I want to create a VR girl/boyfriend simulator for those alone on Valentines Day... I shall call it, E-Bae

I had a threesome planned for Valentines Day... There were a couple of no-shows, but I had a good time anyway.

what's the worst thing you could get your special someone on valentines day? a divorce

Alright, guys. It's that time of year again: I'm planning on taking my girlfriend out for Valentines Day Can anyone recommend me a good girlfriend?

I'm going to spend Valentines day with my ex Box one ?

Where did I take my pet Cow on Valentines Day? To the Moooovies

I’m not sure what this “Valentines Day” thing is... Does it mean the day before “Half-Price-Chocolate Day?”

A boyfriend says to his girlfriend, "Baby, you're kind of like Charles Barkley..." "...You've been on the team for so long and you're still not getting a ring! Happy Valentines day!"

I am really struggling on what to get my girlfriend for Valentines Day. I mean, I’d hate to get her the same thing as her Husband does. That would be embarrassing.

How did communists celebrate Valentines Day? By seizing the means of reproduction.

This valentines day be sure not to buy flowers from any Monks. Because only you can prevent florist friars!

Someone with a girl friend should write this in their Valentines Day card I was going to buy you a car, but I knew you'd be disappointed if I didn't give you the D.

An amazing coincidence happens every year in India 14th Feb Valentines day.
9 months later,
14th Nov Children's day.

Funny Valentines Day Card What did one tower say to the other on 9/11?

I'm falling for you..

Happy valentines day

Why do skunks celebrate valentines day? Because they are very scentimental.

What do arguing couples have on Valentines day? Reservations

Making a joke out of what just happened Valentines Day sitting on the bed with my husband

"Honey there's a spark between us"

"I know" Leans in for a kiss

"no my laptop cord is sparking let me unplug it"

Some people call today Valentines day.. I call today arm day...then again...same thing I guess.

Told my wife that I am taking her to "The Amazing Escape Room" for Valentines day.... ...I hope she likes The Best Western!

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New Valentines Day Jokes

I had 10 dates on this Valentines Day well, the joke is in the title.

What's the best part of Valentines Day? The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.

I saved a lot of money on Valentines Day I saved a lot of money on Valentines Day by switching to single.

I finally found a date for Valentines day! I wish I could write this in another sub

Why do Werewolves hate Bob Seger? Because he plays with the Silver Bullet Band.

Happy Halloween.

Unless you're a Catholic Priest, then Happy Valentines Day.

My Valentines Day date didn't make. She called me up at the last second to tell me she had to work late. That's the fifth year in a row my wife has done that.

Are you upset about being alone on valentines day? just keep it mind..... Nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and valentine's day shouldn't be any different.

For Valentines Day my friend got a set of bracelets, a chauffeured ride around town, free meal and place to spend the night and still complained. probably because he was arrested.

Tonight on Valentines Day, I'll be spending the night with my ex ..Box360.

Valentines Day Flowers Blonde #1: Oh how I hate when he brings me flowers. All night I'll be on my back with my legs in the air.
Blonde #2: Don't you own a vase?

Nothing is too good for my girlfriend on Valentines day... I tried to get her nothing, but she was too good for that.

I know my Valentines day will be full of garbage... ...because I'll get dumped anyway.

Made a lot of friends on Valentines Day! All of them girls! Strangely the phone numbers don't exist or connect to comcast.

New friends are fun!

Rick Ross on Valentines Day "Shout out to all the pairs"

For this Valentines day, I'll be inundated. Oops. I mean I'll be in, undated.

What celestial body do you give your sweetie on valentines day? An exoplanet.

Spike from the Land Before Time movies is the best character ever! Literally in the first 30 seconds after hatching he yawns, eats an entire bush, and takes a nap, he’s like me on valentines day.

Oscar Pistorius misunderstood his girlfriend... when she said: "for Valentines day, can you take me out?"

{Need joke help} Valentines/BBQ puns Sorry if this is the wrong place to post!

I got my SO some fancy BBQ sauces for valentines day and want to replace the labels with funny or valentine's themed names. Id love it if you could help me think of some!

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Long Valentines Day Jokes

it seems Oscar Pistorious jokes still have legs..

Roses are red, Violets are glorious, Don't ever sneak up on Oscar Pistorius.

She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.

Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

Absolutely shocking news from South Africa. White man arrested for murder.

Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.

Surely Oscar Pistorius cant be the first man to wake up legless on Valentines day and shoot all over the missus while imagining she's someone else!

I take it Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentines.

What do you call a room full of dead people? An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party... or... An Oscar Pistorius St Valentine's Day Massacre

Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name - Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.

A young woman is dead, the life of up‑and‑coming athlete, Oscar Pistorius, is ruined, and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... i mean pathetic.

I think it's safe to say that Oscar Pistorius won't be getting his leg over tonight.

Oscar Pistorious' lawyer is trying to claim mistaken identity
Personally I don`t think he has a leg to stand on

And the Oscar goes to ... Prison.

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day. She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest, 3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars.

The clerk looks and her and says "I hate Valentines Day...what about you, you must be single right?"

"Yeah" she responds, "how did you know? Was it the stuff I'm buying?"

"Nah, you're ugly"

My favorite restaurant

I went to my favorite restaurant on valentines day and it was full. There was no place to sit and the wait was over an hour.

I took out my phone, placed it to my ear, and said loudly, "Hey, get over here! She's here with someone else!"

Three couples got up and quickly left.

Three wealthy men were sitting at a bar the day after valentines day

The first man declared: “I love my wife so much I got her something that goes from 0 to a 100 in 4 seconds!”

The other men were confused until he said: “I got her a white sports car!”

The other men smile and one of them responds: “Thats funny because I love her so much that I got her something that goes from 0 to 100 in 2 seconds.”

“What kind of a car is that?” The other men ask.

“A Ferrari” says the man with a huge grin on his face.

The last man, who has had a smirky smile on his face throughout the whole conversation says: “Well thats impressive and all but what I bought for my wife goes from 0 to *200* in 1 second!”

“Impossible!” The other men exclaim

“Oh but it is” says the last man. “She’s gained a ton of weight so I bought her a scale.”

Old man goes to the pharmacist...

Pharmacist: Hey Bill, what's goin' on?

Bill: Oh, not much Frank, wife's birthday was a few weeks ago, didn't know what to get her, so I bought a 100,000 life insurance policy.

Pharmacist: Not very romantic, but practical I guess.

Bill: Yeah, she really liked the idea and security of it. She was so happy, for Valentines day, she bought me a complete trip to China.

So, I'm just picking up my prescriptions before heading out of town...

I just had a breakup for being honest

GF: You know to day is Valentines Day right?

ME: mmm...yeah, so?

GF: Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous.

ME: Well, that explains why they've received flowers doesn't it?

Alright men Valentines day is almost here you know what to do...

Your girlfriend is your everything on Valentines day. You need to buy her flowers, chocolates, and you better take her out somewhere special, BUT out of all the important things you just need remember to hide all of the receipts/transactions from your wife.

A pretty Killer joke.

In high school I had two girlfriends. The first was a nice girl with a twin brother who I dated for a couple weeks starting on Valentines day, before "it wasn't working out". She was as gorgeous as her brother was handsome, and they could have anybody they wanted, so I was more shocked when she agreed to go out with me, than I was when she broke up with me. A few weeks after the breakup, I met Korean exchange student named Yu Chan Wook. She was sweet and kind, and beautiful, and we immediately hit it off. Realatively early into our relationship she had expressed her sadness over a recent breakup, which she took really hard. We bonded over our mutual heartbreak, and it became a source of inspiration for our budding relationship. Lo and behold, I was eating lunch alone, as Yu and I had different lunch times three days a week, and an occasional friend of mine came to talk to me about Yu. He told me that Yu had dated the twin brother of my first high school girlfriend, which came as a shock because I had told Yu who I had been dating, and ahe said nothing about dating her brother. I was heartbroken when I realised that Yu had a boyfriend, who looked like the girlfriend, that I had in February of last year.

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