My daughter made up that joke when she was 8.
A man applies for a job as a police officer.
The officer says: Alright, one more thing. Take this gun and go shoot 7 black men and a squirrel.
The man replies: Why the squirrel?
The officer says: I love your attitude, you got the job!
Two cows are talking to each other while grazing....
The first cow says
"Hey I heard there's a case of mad cow disease going around, are you worried?"
The second cow looks at the first and says
"Why should I be worried? I'm a squirrel."
Two cows in a field. One asks “should I be worried about mad cow’s disease”? “Well I’m not”, the other replies, “...because I’m a squirrel!”
Why did the squirrel judge the drag queen competition? He is an expert at hiding nuts.
To the person who stole my adderall, Squirrel!
How come when a video of a squirrel putting a nut in a dog gets 18k upvotes and is called "Cute" but when I do it it's a "heinous act" and my dog gets taken away?
What do a squirrel and a cigarette have in common?
Put either one in your mouth, light it on fire, and it will kill you.
Source: Friend told me
Two Squirrels GO Camping
They set up a tiny tent and make a tiny campfire. Then, one squirrel pulls out a frying pan and begins to pan fry some twigs. The other squirrel snatches it from his hand and says,
"Are you NUTS?!? This is a non-stick pan!"
You are what you eat...
...said one squirrel to another.
The other said in disbelief, "You're nuts."
Why did the squirrel swim on his back? To keep his nuts dry!
Why did the squirrel swim on its back? so it wont get its nuts wet
My friend told me that I am really bad at noticing what people are trying to tell me, and that I am also really easily distracted She told me some other stuff but I wasn't really listening as there was a squirrel in a tree looking at me
Why'd the squirrel fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.
Why does a squirrel swim on it's back? To keep his nuts dry
What do we want?!?
A cure for ADD!
When do we want it?
An owl and a squirrel are in a tree watching a farmer go by The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing because owls can't talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey.
What did Bruce Wayne say to the hungry squirrel?
YOU WANNA GET NUTS?
C'mon, let's get nuts.
How do you befriend a squirrel? Just act like a nut.
What did the Brazilian goose on the balcony say to the squirrel passing by? I don’t know, I don’t speak porch of geese
How do you fight a squirrel looking for a nut? You beat him off.
Why didnt the transgender squirrel survive winter? It lost all of its nuts.
Why did the squirrel swim on its back? To keep his nuts dry
Friend: man, you got to help me. I hit a squirrel driving my car. I feel awful, what should I do? Me: Why'd you let it drive your car in the first place?
Who would win at scrabble between a Squirrel and a Raccoon? The Squirrel, it has a Q in it!
Why did the squirrel fall dead from the tree? Because it's No Nut November.
I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today. I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? It died.
Why does a squirrel swim on him back? To keep his nuts dry
I met an squirrel at the bus stop
He was standing there with 2 flashlights.
I asked him why he had them with him.
"To scare away the wolfs", he said.
"But, we are in the middle of the city, there are no wolfs here..."
"Told you it works!"
I met Jon Snow the squirrel the other day He knows nutting.
Why did the squirrel blush after he was hit by a car? He was flattered.
What do you call a squirrel that goes to space? An astronut
How do you catch a unique squirrel?
Unique up on it...
How do you catch a tame squirrel?
What do a cigarette and a squirrel have in common? They're both harmless until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.
What did the squirrel do to try and impress his date? He went out on a limb.
What did the squirrel say when he spilt all of his acorns? Nothing, squirrels don’t talk dumbass.
A squirrel took the "you are what you eat" phrase too seriously. He was a nut.
My wife just came in and said "I don't know if I'm coming or going." I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face you're going, because when you're coming you look like a squirrel trying to whistle!”
Why did the squirrel swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry. ;)
How do you catch a squirrel? How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut.
"Aww...Nuts" Said the squirrel when she opened her birthday present.
Why did the squirrel fail to cross the road? Because it tried to play chicken and lost.
The NSA just intercepted a message from Vladimir Putin to Melenia Trump. It said,"good, now that you are First Lady, GET MOOSE AND SQUIRREL!"
How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut.