Squirrel Jokes

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Funniest Squirrel Jokes

Funny Squirrel Jokes

Why did the squirrel judge the drag queen competition? He is an expert at hiding nuts.

A wise squirrel once said "you are what you eat". Don't believe him, he was a nut.

How come when a video of a squirrel putting a nut in a dog gets 18k upvotes and is called "Cute" but when I do it it's a "heinous act" and my dog gets taken away?

Two Squirrels GO Camping They set up a tiny tent and make a tiny campfire. Then, one squirrel pulls out a frying pan and begins to pan fry some twigs. The other squirrel snatches it from his hand and says,

"Are you NUTS?!? This is a non-stick pan!"

What do a squirrel and a cigarette have in common? Put either one in your mouth, light it on fire, and it will kill you.


Source: Friend told me

Food is getting so scarce, I just followed a squirrel so I could steal his nuts. It was a lot of work for two small pieces of meat.

Some lady called the cops on me because I was giving a squirrel a nut in the park. Good thing I got my pants back on before they arrived

You are what you eat... ...said one squirrel to another.

The other said in disbelief, "You're nuts."

Why did the squirrel swim on his back? To keep his nuts dry!

Why did the squirrel swim on its back? so it wont get its nuts wet

Why'd the squirrel fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.

My friend told me that I am really bad at noticing what people are trying to tell me, and that I am also really easily distracted She told me some other stuff but I wasn't really listening as there was a squirrel in a tree looking at me

I just saw a fat squirrel with two nuts in it's mouth. Damn I miss my ex.

How do you fight a squirrel looking for a nut? You beat him off.

What did the Brazilian goose on the balcony say to the squirrel passing by? I don’t know, I don’t speak porch of geese

An owl and a squirrel are in a tree watching a farmer go by The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing because owls can't talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey.

Why does a squirrel swim on it's back? To keep his nuts dry

Why didnt the transgender squirrel survive winter? It lost all of its nuts.

Why did the squirrel fall dead from the tree? Because it's No Nut November.

Why did the squirrel swim on its back? To keep his nuts dry

Who would win at scrabble between a Squirrel and a Raccoon? The Squirrel, it has a Q in it!

Friend: man, you got to help me. I hit a squirrel driving my car. I feel awful, what should I do? Me: Why'd you let it drive your car in the first place?

trees rock A squirrel had carved a shelter into a tree. The tree was arrested and faced charges in court of arboring a fugitive.

I met an squirrel at the bus stop He was standing there with 2 flashlights.
I asked him why he had them with him.
"To scare away the wolfs", he said.
"But, we are in the middle of the city, there are no wolfs here..."

"Told you it works!"

I met Jon Snow the squirrel the other day He knows nutting.

How do you get a squirrel to come down from a tree? Take off your pants and show him your nuts

I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.

If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a NUT

Why did the squirrel swim on it's back? To keep it's nuts dry.

Why does a squirrel's tail grow from it's back? Because there's a squirrel in the front.

Why does a squirrel swim on him back? To keep his nuts dry

What do you call it when a male squirrel ejaculates onto a female squirrel's stomach? Chestnut

I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today. I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.

You are to me what a tree is to a squirrel A place to put my nut in and forget about.

my gf asked me why I call her squirrel me: because you're short, cute, jumpy, have a bushy tail, and are always on my nuts.

Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? It died.

Why did the squirrel have such a deep voice? Because his nuts dropped!

What does a hungry squirrel and my dog have in common? They both have no nuts.

Why did the squirrel blush after he was hit by a car? He was flattered.

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New Squirrel Jokes

How do you get a squirrel down the tree? You pull down your pants and show em your nuts.

How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.

Why was the squirrel genocidal? It was a Nutzi

What does a squirrel and a manwhore have in common? They're both after a quick nut.

How to let a squirrel go down from a tree? Show him your nuts!

(Idk if this is known, my brother told me about this)

There have recently been a spate of rappers vandalizing squirrel nests in California. Police are on the lookout for doctored dreys...

What did the squirrel say when he had to choose between staying still or jumping down? I’m really on the fence about this one

How do you get a squirrel to come down from a tree? Drop your pants and show your nuts.

Why did the squirrel cross the border? It’s no nut November in the US

If you listen closely you can hear the polite squirrel swear "Aww nuts!"


(its name is probably Carl)

Why does a squirrel swim on his back? To keep his nuts dry

Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? He was dead.

Why did the second squirrel fall out of the tree?

He was dead, too.

Why did the third squirrel fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiot's house.
Knock knock
Who's there?
The chicken

Why did the squirrel cross the road?
To get to the cool guy's house.

Knock knock
Who's there?
The chicken again.

Comorbidity Why did the monkey fall out the tree?

Because they was dead.

Why did the chicken fall out of the tree?

Because they was stapled to the monkey.

Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure.

What did the squirrel say when he spilt all of his acorns? Nothing, squirrels don’t talk dumbass.

What did the squirrel say to the tree? Nothing. Squirrels and trees don’t communicate with each other.

What did the squirrel say to the police dog when it raided its tree house? ...You’re barking up the wrong tree.

Fixed to the spot, the squirrel realised ... he'd buried the wrong nuts.

Why did the squirrel bury the tuna? Because if you spell it backwards, it’s a nut.

How do you get a squirrel down from a tree? Pull your pants down and show him your nuts.

Im currently at a furry convention in Pittsburgh and I'm having a nice conversation with a furry. Edit: Turns out it was just a squirrel

What does the squirrel do on his computer late at night? He nuts.

What did the squirrel do to try and impress his date? He went out on a limb.

My wife just came in and said "I don't know if I'm coming or going." I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face you're going, because when you're coming you look like a squirrel trying to whistle!”

What do a cigarette and a squirrel have in common? They're both harmless until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.

What do you call a squirrel that goes to space? An astronut

"Aww...Nuts" Said the squirrel when she opened her birthday present.

Why did the squirrel fail to cross the road? Because it tried to play chicken and lost.

Why should you never let a squirrel give you a blow job? Cause beastiality is wrong.

What's the difference between a squirrel and a politician lying dead in a ditch? There are brake marks before the squirrel.

Why does the squirrel swim on his back? To keep his nuts dry.

Why was the Eunich Squirrel unhappy? Because he had no nuts.

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Three. One to change the bulb, and the second to fill the bathtub with bright purple machine tools, and one more to purchase a squirrel from the apple vendor.

A squirrel and an owl are sitting on a tree branch, watching a farmer plow his field... The owl looks at the squirrel, and doesn't say anything, because owls don't talk.
Then the owl eats the squirrel, because he's a bird of prey.

I was trying to think up some squirrel puns. But, they were all too nutty.

Why does a squirrel swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry.

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Long Squirrel Jokes

A deer had a bar. One day, he found the toilet window broken, so he asked the patrons "Who broke the window!?"

A hare responded "I kinda did..."

The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"

The hare says: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".

The deer fined the bear $500.

A few days later, the window got broken again, so the deer asked "Who broke the window!?"

A squirrel responded "I kinda did..."

The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"

The squirrel said: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".

The deer fined the bear $1000.

A few days later, the whole toilet got messed up - the fixtures smashed, the toilet broken and bloodied, the window broken, the door scratched, etc. So the deer asked "Who did all this!?"

The hedgehog replied "I kinda did...

One day an old dog lost his way while chasing rabbits

One day an old dog lost his way while chasing rabbits. Soon he noticed a lion in the distance running towards him with a hungry look in his eye.

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, the dog immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the lion was about to leap, the old dog exclaimed, "That was one delicious lion! I wonder, if there are any more around here?" Upon hearing this, the young lion stoped mid-stride and hurried to safety in the trees.

A squirrel who had been watching from a nearby tree, knew the dog's tricks and decided to trade his knowledge for protection from the lion. Catching up with the lion, he explained what happened and struck a deal. The young lion was furious at being made a fool of and said, "Hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

The old dog spied the lion coming with the squirrel on his back. Instead of running, he sat down with his back to the pair, pretending he hadn't seen them yet. When they got close enough tohear, the old dog said, "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!"

There’s a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.

The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.

So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.

The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel. The squirrel says to the man says, “See, it’s not as easy as it looks, is it?”

A man goes into a confessional. "Forgive me, father..."

...for I have sinned."
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.
The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.
The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."

Religion and squirrels

There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel on their property since.

As you probably know, the guards at Buckingham Palace are not supposed to move a muscle.

As you probably know the guards at Buckingham Palace are not supposed to move a muscle. One day one of the guards moved just a bit. The sergeant rushed over and said "George, did I see you flinch?" George replied "Yes sir. You see there was a squirrel in the tree. He ran down the tree across the road then straight up me pants leg." "I see George" replied the sergeant. "Is that why you flinched?" George replied "No sir. There was another squirrel. He, too, came down the tree across the road and up me leg. So I had two squirrels resting in me crotch." The sergeant thought for a
moment then said "And that's what made you flinch?" "No sir" said George. "It was when I heard one say, 'Let's have one now and save the other for winter.'"

[OC] An old blacksmith was working in his shop...

when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.

One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. "I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company," the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said "Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him?" "Life," said the old man, "because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine." The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left.

Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on the old man’s head had been cut . The granddaughter would often come to visit to see how her grandfather and the dog were doing, and she was always glad to see that her grandfather was still happy. But at night, the old man would still sit in front of the fireplace with Life on his lap, gazing into the fireplace as flames cast dancing shadows across the room and he fell asleep to thoughts of his old smithing days.

One morning as the old man was getting the morning newspaper from the front porch, Life sprinted past him through the front door because he had spotted a squirrel across the street. Before the little dog could catch up with his prey, a speeding car struck the poor animal. The car came to a screeching halt and the old man hobbled as quickly as his old legs could carry them to his precious companion who lay whimpering on the side of the road. The little dog was alive but badly injured. The man who was driving the car got out to apologize to the old man, but his regrets went unnoticed by the weeping old man who only wanted to tend to his injured dog. Life’s two hind legs appeared limp and broken and the dog panted and whimpered as the old man carried him back into the house. The old man knew that his dog’s injuries required medical attention but because he was out of work, he wasn’t able to afford a veterinarian. Determined, the old man did the only thing he knew how to do. He found some of his old blacksmithing tools and scrap metal from his garage and proceeded to start a fire in his fireplace. His hands lacked the strength and precision they once had but eventually, he was able to forge a crude set of brackets that would hold the dog’s legs in place as his injuries healed. The old man tended to dog’s every need until eventually, Life was able to stand up on his own and soon enough, the dog could walk, and after a few more weeks, he could even manage a awkward, limping run. Unfortunately, the old blacksmith’s craftsmanship was lacking due to his own previous injuries and the braces that he had forged would often break when the dog ran too quickly, so the old man found himself back at the fireplace with his tools forging replacement parts for his little dog’s leg braces. It was tiresome, difficult work with his old frail hands, but he was determined to give his dog the best life that he could, so he kept at it.

One day, as the old man was forging a new set of parts for his dog’s leg braces, an ember jumped from the fireplace, catching the carpet on fire. The old man couldn’t get to the kitchen quickly enough to get a pail of water to put the fire out and tragically, the old blacksmith and his dog both perished as the house was engulfed in flames.

The next day, the granddaughter and her father came to where the old blacksmith’s house once stood and they began to search through the ashes and rubble for anything they could salvage as a keepsake of their lost loved one. “You know,” said the girl to her father, “I’m really happy that grandpa’s last years were as joyful as they were. Even though he was really sad that he couldn’t make a living as a blacksmith anymore, he really did seem happy after I brought him that puppy.” “Yes dear,” said the father. The daughter continued, “But isn’t it sad how his house was burnt down when he was making one of those leg braces for his dog?” The father looked down and picked up a small piece of metal from the ashes and said “That’s one of Life’s little iron knees.”

SQUIRRELS IN CHURCH

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

THE GOLFER'S CONFESSION

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man.
"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
"You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.

Classic Rocky and Bullwinkle pun

On a December trip to Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, Ferdinand Feghoot was summoned to the local college, Wossamotta U. by Inspector Fenwick, the Chief of Police.

There he was confronted with an appalling scene. Bullwinkle, the town's leading citizen, had been smashed flatter than a kippered herring by a falling safe.

"It's a common enough means of death for cartoon characters," Fenwick opined. "Every year, we lose five or six citizens to falling safes. But this time, it was no accident. This time, it's murder!"

He showed Feghoot the ingenious deadfall trap rigged to rain financial ruin on an unsuspecting victim. Bullwinkle's antlers were still entangled in the tripwire. Grasped tightly in one hand was a small statue of a Hindu god.

The dead quadruped's best friend, Rocky the flying squirrel had been with Bullwinkle at the time of his death, but when questioned by Feghoot, the distraught rodent said all he could remember was seeing a rabbi fleeing the scene upon a pogo stick.

Fenwick immediately issued an APB for the rabbi.

"You're wasting your time, Fenwick," said Feghoot grimly, as he stood from his examination of the body. "The rabbi has been framed. When you find him, he will tell you of some elaborate ruse that induced him to be on a pogo stick at this time and place."

"How do you know that, Feghoot?" asked the Inspector.

"This is the work of the Christmas Killer," Feghoot declared. "I have been on the trail of this fiend for years, and I fear that we might never catch him. Every December, he arranges one of these grisly messages."

"Look! Didn't you notice the smile on the victim's face? The corners of his mouth have been propped up... by these!" He displayed two toothpicks he had taken from Bullwinkle's mouth.

"I still don't see how you know the murderer is the Christmas Killer," said Fenwick.

"Isn't it obvious?" Feghoot asked. "Wee Vishnu, a merry crushed moose, and a hoppy Jew near."

Church squirrels

All five churches in a small Texas town were having a terrible problem with squirrel infestations. Predictably, they all had different ways of dealing with the problem.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

The Catholic church came up with what they thought was the best and most effective solution: they baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Still, the Jewish synagogue beat them all: they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called a bris -- and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

Golfer in confessional...

This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.
The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.
The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the f...ing putt!"

Various law enforcement agencies have a fugitive tracking competition. A forest is divided by high fences into 100-acre sections, a squirrel is released into each one, and the game begins.

The CIA fill their section with animal agents all wearing wires. After three months with no leads, they announce that the squirrel never really existed.

The FBI works for a month and gets no leads. They burn down the forest, positively ID the squirrel remains, and announce at a press conference that the manhunt was an unqualified success.

Two hours after the competition begins, the LAPD leaves their section with a beaten, bloody, nearly-dead raccoon, along with a signed confession in the raccoon's handwriting admitting that it's a squirrel.

Being in the recreation and natural resources field, I enjoy this every time I hear it

Due to the recent increase of encounters with grizzly and black bears in the area, all hikers should wear bells so you don't sneak up and startle nearby bears. Hikers should also carry pepper spray encase of an encounter. The two bears have different characteristics to their droppings and you can tell which is in the area. Black bear scat will be smaller and will have berries and squirrel fur in it. Grizzly scat will be larger, smell like pepper, and have bells in it.

In a small American town, a band of squirrels had become quite a problem.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a more very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

And not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since

George was enjoying his drink at the bar, when an ugly woman takes a seat next to him.

She had a squirrel sitting on her shoulder.

The woman says to George: "If you can guess what kind of animal I have on my shoulder, I am willing to sleep with you."


George says: "It must be a crocodile?"

She replies: "Close enough"

A CIA agent, an MI6 agent, and a KGB agent are out hunting in the woods. [Long]

After they set up camp, they then decide to each go out hunting for a bear. The three agents agree to return within an hour, and go their separate ways.

After an hour, the CIA agent and the MI6 agent return empty-handed.

"Upon close inspection," says the MI6 agent, "I have determined that there are no bears in this forest."

"Upon close inspection," replies the CIA agent, "I have determined that bears do not exist."

They wait around for a while, but there is no sign of the KGB agent. Suddenly, a sound is heard in the distance. Both agents jump to their feet and run towards the source of the noise. They see that the KGB agent has pinned a terrified squirrel by its neck against a tree. "We have confessions from your friends and family members!" he shouts. "Admit that you are a bear!"

A man has a car accident...

A man is talking with a policeman after he had a collision with a tree.

'Could you please tell me what exactly happened, sir?' asks the policeman.

'You see,' says the man, 'there was this squirrel that suddenly popped out of nowhere to cross the street.'

'But if it is truly necessary, can't you just run over the squirrel?'

'I know, but then the squirrel hid behind a tree.'

One day an old dog lost his way while chasing rabbits

Soon he noticed a lion in the distance running towards him with a hungry look in his eye.

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, the dog immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the lion was about to leap, the old dog exclaimed, "That was one delicious lion! I wonder, if there are any more around here?" Upon hearing this, the young lion stoped mid-stride and hurried to safety in the trees.

A squirrel who had been watching from a nearby tree, knew the dog's tricks and decided to trade his knowledge for protection from the lion. Catching up with the lion, he explained what happened and struck a deal. The young lion was furious at being made a fool of and said, "Hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

The old dog spied the lion coming with the squirrel on his back. Instead of running, he sat down with his back to the pair, pretending he hadn't seen them yet. When they got close enough tohear, the old dog said, "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!"

I was taking a driving lesson

I asked my instructor if, upon seeing a small animal jumping out in front of me, I should slam the brake. He told me that if an animal jumps out, I have to just hit it...

I chased that squirrel through four fields and a barn before I got him.

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