Blind Jokes

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Funniest Blind Jokes

Funny Blind Jokes

2 blind guys were about to fight I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins!
Both started running away.

How do you break up two blind guys fighting? Shout, “I got money on that guy with the knife!”

What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman? Getting her husband's voice just right

A blind man walks into a bar The bartender says "Oh hey! I haven't seen you in forever!" The blind man says "same"

I was on a blind date with this girl... And I told her, being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed. She asked "what's the best way?"
I said "a big knife."
She laughed and said "you're funny."
I said "wise choice."

I was walking down the street with a friend and we saw two blind guys fighting We got closer and I said "My bet is on the one with the knife."
They both ran

How do you find a blind guy at a nude beach? It's not hard

In my spare time I help blind children. I mean the verb, not the adjective.

Today I gave my seat to a blind lady on the bus, That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"

Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."

Waiter: "I'm sorry?"

Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."

A while ago I had a blind date with a Jewish girl She asked me for my number.

I told her that we usually use names.

I saw two blind men fighting And I yelled out "I'm rooting for the one with the knife"

Then they both ran away

Why aren't color blind people allowed to join the police force? They wouldn't know who to shoot

Why did the blind woman fall down the well? Because she couldn't see that well.

How do find the blind man at the nudist colony? It's not hard.

My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby." I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

A blind man walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on tape?" The librarian says, "Yes, yes we do, but it's not a very interesting subject."

In my spare time I like to help blind people. I mean the verb, not the adjective.

I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

After work, I volunteer to help blind children By the way: Verb, not adjective

I like to help blind children. The verb, not the adjective.

Today, I saw 2 blind people fighting Then I shouted: "I'm supporting the one with the knife", they both ran away.

Today I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind person. I was also fired from my job as a bus driver, no justice for the kind hearted in this world.

I got a handjob from a blind girl the other day... She told me it was the biggest she'd ever had.


I said, "Aww, you're just pulling my leg."

A blind man had to shoot his dog... To this day, he still misses him

Why did the blind lady fall into the well? Because... she couldn't see that well.

Why did the blind woman fall into the well? Because she couldn't see that well.

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? Well, it's not hard.

Why did the blind man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

Why don’t blind people like to go skydiving? It scares the dog.

How do you find a blind man at a nudist beach? It's not hard

Today I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind person I was also fired from my job as a bus driver..



Edit: Thank you for the gold u/H4hack !

I just found out I'm colour blind The diagnosis came completely out of the green.

(Courtesy of a family member)

I love helping blind children The verb not the adjective

My blind friend just tried LSD for the first time... There was more tripping than usual.

How do you surprise a blind man? Leave the plunger in the toilet

What's a pirates worst fear on a blind date? A sunken chest and no booty.

I saw two blind dudes fighting the other day... .. and I yelled "I'm rooting for the one with the knife!"


Both of them ran away.

Out on a blind date. I told her, being funny is the 2nd best way to get a girl into bed. She said "What's the best way?" I said "A big knife" She laughed and said "You're funny" I said "wise choice"

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New Blind Jokes

Dark Comedy A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she's seeing someone. It's either really terrible news or really great news.

I just saw two blind people fighting I yelled “he got a knife” and they both started running

A blind man and a man in a wheelchair are having a conversation. The man in the wheelchair says: "hey look! A spider" to which the blind man replied "step on it"

Why don't blind people like to skydive? It scares their dog

Just went to the doctor and found out I'm colour blind Genuinely can't believe it, this has come completely out of the green

Q: Why can't a blind guy see his friends? A: Because he's married.

What do you call a blind dinosaur? Doyouthinkhesaurus

(Full Disclosure: I'm showing Jurassic Park to my kids for the first time)

Did you hear about the blind guy who got a cheese grater for Christmas? Said it was the most violent book he’d ever read

A blind woman tells her husband that she’s seeing someone. It’s either very good or very bad news.

Why did the blind man Fall into the well? Because he couldn‘t see that well.

I saw two blind guys fighting in an alley last night. You won't believe how fast they ran when I said: "My money is on the one with the knife!"

I volunteered to help blind kids from ages 1 to 14 Oh and “blind” was a verb

How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach? It’s not hard.

I'm color blind and the other day I thought I could actually detect purple, but it was just a pigment of my imagination.

What do you call a blind chimpanzee a Chimpcantsee

My blind friend did LSD for the first time... There was a lot more tripping than usual.

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater About a week later he told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read

How do you find a blind man at a nudist beach? It’s not hard

Why do nipples have bumps? So blind people can enjoy them too.

What do you call a blind Third Reich member? A Not-see

My blind date showed up late, and then said 'I thought you'd be younger.' I said 'I was.'

Lately I’ve been dating a blind girl, and I find that it is incredibly rewarding. I do find some things quite difficult though I still struggle to get her husbands voice right

I just donated 100$ to a charity for blind children But I doubt they'll ever see any of the money

What did the blind man say when he met an old friend? Nice to run into you again.

My friend set me up on a blind date with her vegetarian friend but I’m kind of nervous... I’ve never met herbivore.

I was in a relationship with a blind girl. It was rewarding, but challenging.

It took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

I gave my seat up to a blind person on a bus And that is how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Why did the blind man fall into the well? He couldn’t see that well..

This morning I gave up my seat on a bus to a blind man I also got fired from my job as a bus driver

how many anti-vaxxers does it take to change a lightbulb? none, they'll just sit there and talk about how it's gonna blind them and how there no proof that light bulbs provide light

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone. It’s either really terrible news or really great news.

2 blind kids were fighting at school... A bunch of students started to crowd around the fight. One of the students yelled “I’ve got 20 bucks on the one with the knife!”

Both of them ran away

How do you spot a blind man in a nudist beach? It’s not that hard

How do you stop two blind men from fighting? You yell, “I vote for the guy with the knife!”

Why did the blind man fall in the well? He couldn't see that well...

My friend used to help blind kids. Verb not adjective

Why did the almost blind man fall into the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

I offered my seat to an old blind lady That's how I lost my job as a bus driver

I started dating a blind woman. It's fantastic. However, it took me quite a long time to mimic the voice of her husband.

Why did the blind man fall in a well? Because he couldn't see that well.

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Long Blind Jokes

A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke sir, you should know five things....

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously Mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says, "Nah.... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.

They're pretty hungry, do they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED".

The man with the doberman says "I know what to do, just follow my lead." He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in.

The waiter tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs here." The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog."

"A doberman for a guide dog?" The waiter asks, skeptical.

"Yes." The man replies. "Dobermans are very loyal. They're easy to train and protective too. They're born for the job."

The waiter sighs and leads the man to a table.

The second man, excited by this idea, throws on his sunglasses and walks in.

The waiter tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs here." The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog."

"A chihuahua for a guide dog?" The waiter asks.

"A chihuahua?" The man asks. "They gave me a chihuahua?!"

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something, our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde, Im a 6’ tall, 200lb black belt, the guy sitting next to me is 6’2”, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player, the fella on your right is 6’5” pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each on of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind guy says, “Nah, not if Im gonna have to explain it 5 times.”

A blind man enters a bar and asks the Barkeeper "Wanna hear a joke about blondes?"

Suddenly, the bar is as silent as a grave. A guy next to the blind man leans over and whispers

"Dude, be carefull. The barkeeper is blonde and an ex-soldier. The bouncer is also blonde and the reigning box champion of the city. And then there is Joe... he's just released from prison after he broke a dude's jaw and his two arms. He is blond too. Are you sure you wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind man takes a minute to think about that, turns on his barchair and says

"OK, FINE... I won't tell the joke... I don't have the time to explain that joke at least three times."

I was about to propose to my girlfriend

I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those big cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend.

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, leaving me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for Joe with his cotton eye, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

edit: credit to tumblr user chefpyro

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,

Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.

Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'Nah I don't think it'll be funny if I'll have to explain it five times'.

Two blind pilots enter a plane

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke.

In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says :
"You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die"

So a blind man walks into a bar..

The blind man sits down, thinking he'd break the ice with the bartender by asking "Wanna hear a blond joke?"

In a hushed voice, a man beside him says "Before you tell that joke, you should know our bartender IS blonde, or bouncer is blond, I'm a 6'4" black belt, the man sitting on the other side of me is 6'2, 250lbs, and a rugby player. The guy sitting next to you is pushing 300, 6'6, and he's a wrestler. We're ALL blond. So you think about it mister, do you really wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man sat for a second, thinking over the odds and then replied "No, not if I have to explain it five times."

An old, blind cowboy wanders into a bar....

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a, very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler

"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Blonde Joke

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............'

Three disabled stranded men

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same. The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr Independent and isists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE! Now the guy in the wheelchair’s getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold, NEW TIRES!!!

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer

were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender,



“Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”



The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says,



“Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”



The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

Blonds and Blind Cowboys

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,

Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head

and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times

Gambler gets a notice from IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says:

"The reason for your audit is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle, but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do for living?"

Gambler says "I am a professional gambler."

"A gambler?" said the IRS agent with slightly puzzled and surprised look on his face.

"Yes, I make my money by betting, would you like a demonstration?"

"Sure" said the IRS agent "let's have a demonstration"

"I will bet you $1,000; that I can bite my eye" said the gambler.

"OK, you have a bet" replied IRS agent with a smirk on his face. The gambler pops out his glass eye and bites it. IRS agent is shocked as he did not see that coming, and he did agree to a $1,000 bet in from of gamblers attorney.

"All right, all right, this was not really fair" said the gambler. "I will give you a chance to win your money back. I will bet you another $1,000 that I can bite my other eye."

IRS agent looks over the guys paperwork and see that he is not legally blind and takes the bet. The gambler takes out his dentures and bites his other eye. The IRS agent is now visibly stressed and sweating for being on the hook for $2,000.

"I tell you what. Double or nothing, I will stand on the edge of your desk, close my eyes and piss into the garbage can on the other side of the room without spilling a drop, what do you say?"

IRS agent is a little perplex, but does not see how that would be possible and takes the bet. The gambler stands on the agents desks, unzip his pants, closes his eyes and pisses all over the agents desk.

"YES!!!" exclaimed the IRS agent knowing he won the bet and does not own the gambler any money.

"Ahh, shiiiit" said the attorney.

"What's the matter?" asked the IRS agent.

"Well, he bet me $20,000 that he will come to your office today, piss all over your desk, and you would be happy about it."

Nudist colony

Q- How can you tell the blind guy at a nudist colony?
A- It's not hard.

Q- Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A- The one carrying a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q- Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A- The one who can eat the last donut.

An old blind man walks into an all-girl biker bar by mistake

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls silent. In a deep husky voice the woman next to him says, "before you tell that joke, i think it's only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No...not if i'm gonna have to explain it five times."

husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop..

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up."

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hey George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Three men go to heaven

At the gate into heaven St. Peter tells them, they can have everything they want as long as they do not step on a dark cloud. After that, they enter and have an amazing time.

But after a week the first comes up to the others with his leg in a bear trap. The others ask him:
"What happend?"

"I stepped on a dark cloud" - he replies.

After another week the second man comes up to the others in a wheel chair and blind on one eye.

"Yeah, before you guys ask. Yes, I stepped on a dark cloud."

After another week the third man comes up with a hot, astonishing and absolute breathtaking woman by his side.

The others, obviously confused, ask him:
"Hey, what happened to you? Please explain."

"Stepped on a dark cloud" - she replies.

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