Depression Jokes

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Funniest Depression Jokes

Did you know Nebraska has the highest level of depression and extra-marital activity? It's a sad state of affairs.

Credit: Paul Savage

Funny Depression Jokes

My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture. Wow thanks I'm cured.

How do you cure depression ? Love it. Then it will leave you after a while for someone else.

A guy tried to cure his depression with Viagra. It didn't work. Things were getting harder and harder.

The cure for my depression is right around the corner. Yes, here comes my train now.

I mixed up my viagra and depression medication today. No matter how much I try, everything just keeps getting harder and harder.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, Forget it.....Soldier on!

My doctor prescribed me Viagra for my depression by mistake All it did was make everything harder and harder.

I really hope this country doesn't slip into depression... Because if it does Trump will make sure it is the *Greatest* depression it has ever seen.

Have you ever observed the depression cycle of a snail? It's pretty much a downward spiral.

Whenever I tell people about my depression they always say the same thing Sir, this is a wendy’s drivethrough

What's the difference between crippling depression and crippled depression? One can't get out of bed because they're depressed, the other is depressed because they can't get out of bed.

Your mother is so fat that she fell into deep depression and she broke it.

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party? He had crippling depression

Why did the restaurant staff deem the waiters absence due to depression to be a technical issue? Because their servers were down.

What is long, hard to handle and keeps her up all night? Clinical Depression

Why did the graph fall off the cliff? It had depression

Depression levels Therapist: on a scale of 1 to 10 rate your depression.



Me:. π


Therapist: what


Me: low level and never ending.

1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance ... The 5 stages of buying petrol.

Being in a state of depression is one of the worst place to find yourself. But at least it's not Mississippi.

My girlfriend told me to give her The D last night So i left her and now she has depression

I have been trying Chinese medicine for depression for about two months now I think its working. My tears have certainly been repressed.

They did a study comparing the brains of 17 people with depression and the brains of 18 healthy people They discovered that on average, the depressed group had one brain less.

Maybe if the grass on my front lawn had depression It would cut itself

I've been clean for 30 days. Having depression makes it difficult to take of myself, but I've managed to shower and brush my teeth for 30 days in a row. Thankfully I have all this heroin to get me through it.

If I was a storm, do you know what kind of storm I would be? A Tropical Depression

Why did Prohibition end at the end of the 1920s? Because you need a drink to get over a great depression

What do you call a Redditor on the beach? A tropical depression

Why was the clown crying? Clinical depression

I'm not saying cosmetic surgery cured my depression But it definitely put a smile on my face.

A resident of St. Louis was recently diagnosed with depression He's living in Missouri.

What do you call a ditch that has had accidents leading to making people wheelchair bound? A crippling depression

Ronda Rouseys next fight has been announced! Ronda Rousey V. Crippling Depression

I'm so lonely... Even my depression left me.

Arkansas ranks highly among other states in terms of depression and adultery It's a sad state of affairs.

I asked the doctor what my life expectancy was. He said, "Financial troubles leading into a long-term bout of depression before an inevitable death."

jokes about depression used to be funny.... now they're just sad.

What do you call a hole that handicaps people? Crippling depression

What do you call a fat man trying out a new tempurpedic mattress? The great depression

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New Depression Jokes

9/10 doctors agree.... That depression is rampant in doctors. The 10th one killed himself.

The other day I tried an escape room called depression And I did not escape

Two people are meeting, but before they shake hands, one of them goes “Do you have something that rhymes with borona virus?”
The other person replies “No, crippling depression doesn’t rhyme with borona virus”

My doctor prescribed me Viagra for my depression He thought it would lift me up, but it just makes everything a whole lot harder.

Depression has cured my hypochondria I no longer fear dying, even if WebMD gives me 2 days to live.

How do you take depression away from a tree? Cut the rope.

I dont know how the US government can get mad at students with depression for shootings when the only reason the US got over the Great Depression was because of WWII.

Smoothie bar A smoothie bar serving combined fruit and vegetable smoothies has been linked to bouts of depression and suicide.

Their ' Melon - Cauli ' smoothie has now been withdrawn.

I have beaten depression and anxiety Now I'm just nervous and sad all the time

A smoothie bar serving combined fruit and vegetable drinks has been linked to bouts of depression and suicide... Their "Melon-Cauli" smoothie has now been withdrawn...

What’s the difference between depression and suppression One is a gun to the head, another is a head to the gun

What do I have in common with the 20th century? In our 20s, we both suffered from a Great Depression

Jokes about depression are just like jokes about being black I was gonna go on a long rant but I just realized if you just change the “d” to “r” it’s the same

What's my college major? Major depression

I am slowly losing the fight against my crippling depression symptoms. I couldn’t be happier.

I dipped my balls in some 1000 island dressing because I have depression

"What does PEMDAS mean?" Please End My Depression And Suffering.

Hey, you know what they say about big feet? Big depression

A longtime sufferer of depression was on his deathbed, surrounded by friends and family. He said "At least I'm gonna die doing what I like" to which his son replied "What?" "Dying".

When ever you feel depression coming on. Don't give in to it. Keep your head up and think of all of the people living in poverty around the world and say to yourself, "ahahaha, stupid poor people"

:)

The 1920’s called, they want their depression back Sorry for the bad joke

What do depression and ISIS have in common? They're both terrorist cells which are very hard to pin down, very hard to get rid of and they keep trying to destroy your home from the inside - while you're still in it.

What do you call a sad Hawaiian A tropical depression

Licking a frog is good for depression Bad thing is that once you stop licking it, the frog becomes depressed again.

Depression... Me: Depression is the worst. I just want to sleep all day, I've been eating the same thing for every meal, life has lost its color—

My dog: oh my God, I have depression

What do you get when you feel down near the equator? tropical depression

What do you call a press that has depression DE-PRESSED. Anyone? Hello? Ok brb killing myself

Why did the sales representative quit their job? Chronic depression

What's the difference between depression and drinking hot cocoa on a cold winter night... One's an internal struggle while the other is an internal snuggle.

What my depression and ex have in common... They both want me back.

You wouldn't wish depression on your worst enemy Or would you. If they are your worst enemy depression ain't that bad of a wish

Me: It smells like updog in here. Girl: What’s updog?
Me: Well I’ve been having a hard time with depression Karen...

I recently moved into an apartment building that only houses people struggling with depression It's called The Inferiority Complex

My angle of depression is obtuse.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he was trying to get run over by a car because he was slowing dying inside and had serious depression

What happened to the Portuguese man when he got no presents for Christmas? He got post-Natal depression

Everyone's the protagonist of their own story... I just have crippling depression because I'm a horror novelist

You Can use Duct Tape to Fix Any Thing Except Depression

On vacation I got sad and started drinking 40's. You might say my tropical depression turned into a case of hurricanes.

Only 90's kids will get this! Crippling depression and social anxiety

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Long Depression Jokes

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager. He was dealing with depression at the time, and learning an instrument was exactly what he needed to help him cope. You see, he didn't know it, but he had bi-polar depression. This means it was a chemical thing; he couldn't get out of it easily. So the horse realizes he is beginning to get good at the guitar. He starts learning his favorite songs, and it gets to the point that his friends encourage him to start playing live. So he starts playing guitar at various clubs, performing covers of The Strokes and Radiohead. His favorite song to cover was Beck's "Loser". Eventually, he got bored of playing alone. He felt limited by his instrument. He recruited his friends to form a band; a chicken that played bass, a pig that played drums, and a cow that sang. Now they had a full band, and they called themselves "The Animals". They began practicing in the horse's garage, and they began writing their own songs. After a couple years playing gigs in the local bars, they meet the Lamb, who had some basic recording equipment. He helps them cut a few demos, and he sends them around to the minor labels. They get picked up by Barnyard Records, and they began recording an album. It gets released, and it becomes popular in the musical underground. However, the Horse began getting cocky. He started drinking, and he began verbally abusing members of the band when they messed up during rehearsals. Eventually, the rest of the band had enough and asked him to leave. Feeling betrayed by his own friends, yet guilty for having caused his own suffering, he heads to the bar to drink his problems away. The horse enters the bar, and the bartender asks "why the long face?"

[OC] An old blacksmith was working in his shop...

when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.

One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. "I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company," the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said "Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him?" "Life," said the old man, "because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine." The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left.

Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on the old man’s head had been cut . The granddaughter would often come to visit to see how her grandfather and the dog were doing, and she was always glad to see that her grandfather was still happy. But at night, the old man would still sit in front of the fireplace with Life on his lap, gazing into the fireplace as flames cast dancing shadows across the room and he fell asleep to thoughts of his old smithing days.

One morning as the old man was getting the morning newspaper from the front porch, Life sprinted past him through the front door because he had spotted a squirrel across the street. Before the little dog could catch up with his prey, a speeding car struck the poor animal. The car came to a screeching halt and the old man hobbled as quickly as his old legs could carry them to his precious companion who lay whimpering on the side of the road. The little dog was alive but badly injured. The man who was driving the car got out to apologize to the old man, but his regrets went unnoticed by the weeping old man who only wanted to tend to his injured dog. Life’s two hind legs appeared limp and broken and the dog panted and whimpered as the old man carried him back into the house. The old man knew that his dog’s injuries required medical attention but because he was out of work, he wasn’t able to afford a veterinarian. Determined, the old man did the only thing he knew how to do. He found some of his old blacksmithing tools and scrap metal from his garage and proceeded to start a fire in his fireplace. His hands lacked the strength and precision they once had but eventually, he was able to forge a crude set of brackets that would hold the dog’s legs in place as his injuries healed. The old man tended to dog’s every need until eventually, Life was able to stand up on his own and soon enough, the dog could walk, and after a few more weeks, he could even manage a awkward, limping run. Unfortunately, the old blacksmith’s craftsmanship was lacking due to his own previous injuries and the braces that he had forged would often break when the dog ran too quickly, so the old man found himself back at the fireplace with his tools forging replacement parts for his little dog’s leg braces. It was tiresome, difficult work with his old frail hands, but he was determined to give his dog the best life that he could, so he kept at it.

One day, as the old man was forging a new set of parts for his dog’s leg braces, an ember jumped from the fireplace, catching the carpet on fire. The old man couldn’t get to the kitchen quickly enough to get a pail of water to put the fire out and tragically, the old blacksmith and his dog both perished as the house was engulfed in flames.

The next day, the granddaughter and her father came to where the old blacksmith’s house once stood and they began to search through the ashes and rubble for anything they could salvage as a keepsake of their lost loved one. “You know,” said the girl to her father, “I’m really happy that grandpa’s last years were as joyful as they were. Even though he was really sad that he couldn’t make a living as a blacksmith anymore, he really did seem happy after I brought him that puppy.” “Yes dear,” said the father. The daughter continued, “But isn’t it sad how his house was burnt down when he was making one of those leg braces for his dog?” The father looked down and picked up a small piece of metal from the ashes and said “That’s one of Life’s little iron knees.”

Two dwarfs go into a bar ...

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two "working girls" and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an a full erection.

His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH!"... " Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!"..... "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!" This goes on for the whole hour.

Later back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go? "

The first mutters, "It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get it up for the girl. "

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed."

Depression in Mexico

There are been a sharp increase in depression in Mexico since Trump got into office on the platform of building a wall between the two countries.

Leading mental health experts have said that sadly many Mexicans will never get over it.

Two midgets go into a bar...

Two midgets go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first midget, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of “Here I come again … ONE, TWO, THREE…UUH!” all night long.

In the morning, the second midget asks the first, “How did it go?”

The first mutters, “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get a erection.”

The second midget shook his head. “You think that’s embarrassing?”….“I couldn’t even get on the bed!”

So a horse is watching YouTube and...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."

Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.

One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"

The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.

Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.

Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He goes into a deep depression and stays locked up drinking for almost two weeks. Finally, he breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.

So the horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

A woman died and went to heaven...

She got to the pearly gates to find an angel waiting.

"What do I have to do to get in?," she asked.

"You just have to spell a word" the angel replied.

"That doesn't sound bad, what word do I have to spell?"

"Love."

Relieved, the woman quickly fired off "L-O-V-E". The angel nodded and opened the gate.

Many months passed and one day the angel guarding the gate approached the woman and asked if she would mind watching the gate for the day. The woman agreed and assumed her post. While she's there, a man approached the gate, and it was none other than her husband!

"Oh, my love!," she cried, "What has happened to you so soon?"

"My dear, I was a wreck the day you left me. I fell into a deep depression that couldn't be beaten. When you were in that accident, I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I could do nothing but mourn for you," he said.

"I hope you eventually were able to move on and not live with that pain for too long," she consoled.

"Actually," he replied, "there was a nurse that took wonderful care of you, and me as well! We eventually became very close, and she helped me so much. I eventually asked her to marry me. We were on our honeymoon when I got into a terrible skiing accident. That's why I'm here! So...what do I have to do to get in?"

"You simply have to spell a word," she informed him.

"That's it? What a relief! What word do I have to spell?," he inquired.

"Baccalaureate."

Two guys are walking through the forest and come upon a depression, in the middle of the depression is a hole.

So, they decide they want to see how deep this hole is.

They take a handful of rocks and throw them in the hole. They listen ... but never hear them hit the bottom.

They find a much bigger rock. They roll it to the edge of the depression and push. It rolls to the middle and falls down the hole. They listen ... but never hear it hit the bottom. They are not detoured. They just need to find something bigger.

They walk around and come upon a shack. A giant log is leaned up against this shack and they think to themselves “PERFECT!” They walk back to the hole, stand the log up and shove it down the hole. They listen ... but never hear it hit the bottom.

A few moments later they hear a goat. It’s running as fast as it can. It gets to the edge of the depression, jumps ... and does a NOSE DIVE down the whole. “BAAAAAaaaaaaaaa....” (but ... they never hear it hit the bottom).

So, they give up. This hole is just immeasurably deep. They walk through the forest a ways and then they come upon a farmer.

Farmer: “Hey, fellas ... have you seen a goat anywhere around here?”

Man No. 1: “Yeah, we just saw a goat do a swan dive into a hole back there. It was the wildest thing.”

Farmer: “Nah, that couldn’t have been my goat. My goat was tied to a log.”

An elderly married couple goes to the state fair...

They've been going to this fair since the fifties. Some time in the late sixties-early seventies the fair started offering helicopter rides.

Year after year, Ethel would ask Lester "Honey, can we go on a helicopter ride?"

Being brought up during the Great Depression his reply was always "Honey, that ride is twenty dollars, and twenty dollars is twenty dollars."

This time, the man running the helicopter rides overhears the conversation and chimes in "Look, you two have been coming here year after year and never once have you taken a ride. Tell you what: I'll make you a deal. If I take you on a ride, and you can manage to stay silent the entire time, it's on the house."

Ethel exclaims "Oh please Lester! I can be quiet, and I know you can. Let's face it, we're both getting on in years, this could be our last chance!"

Lester relents, and agrees.

They climb into the helicopter and the pilot takes off. He does everything he can to get a reaction from the two. Going up, down, side to side... If you could do a barrel roll in a helicopter, he'd've done it. When their time is up, he starts letting the copter down and prepares to land, saying "I'm pretty impressed. I did things that even scared me, but you two didn't make a peep. Congratulations, this one's on me."

To which Lester replies "yeah, I almost said something when Ethel fell out, but twenty dollars is twenty dollars."

So there’s three guys in the middle of the Great Depression.

Their names are Bob, Joe, and Ronnie. Now Bob, he's a pretty smart guy. Definitely the smartest of the three. Joe is, well he's not great, but he's had a few good ideas in his time. Now Ronnie. Ronnie is dumb. And when I say dumb I mean _dumb_. Like really, really dumb. So one day, these three are playing cards when Bob says, "Ok, guys, we need to make some money. How should we make it?" So Joe says, "I know! We'll rob it from somewhere!" And Ronnie says, " Great idea! Let's rob the store next to us!" So this, obviously, is not a good idea because if the store is next to them, the owner knows them. And where they live. Not the greatest idea, Ronnie. But anyways, the two manage to convince Bob that robbing the store is a good idea. So Bob and Joe cover the exits, and Ronnie goes in with a hand under his shirt so it looks like a gun. He says to the clerk, " Hey! Gimme your money!" And the clerk says, " Hello, Ronnie. You know we don't have any money, we're in the great depression here." And Ronnie says, "Well, can I at least have some gum?" And with that, he takes the gum and runs from the store. So Joe and Bob now think that Ronnie has the money, so they all get into Bob's car. Bob's car certainly isn't the fastest thing in the world. But they get in none the less. The police have by this time gotten caught up with them, and are kind of just crusing along a mile or so behind. So the three of them have been driving for a while, when they see this barn. So Joe says, "Ok guys. We've gotta hide in the barn." The other guys agree. So they drive up to to the barn. Joe says, "Let's hide in the chicken coop." But Bob says, " No. That's the first place they'll look. We can't hide in the chicken coop." Just then, they hear the police walk up. The three criminals rush to hide in the first things they see: three big brown burlap sacks. They get in just as Detective Smithers walks in. He immediately sees the burlap sacks and kicks the first one with Bob in it. Bob gas already thought about this and lets out a big, "Ruff!" Now Joe has realized that Detective Smithers will kick his bag now. He thinks about what sound he can make; _I can't be a dog, Bob was already.... what can I be...._ Detective Smithers kicked the bag, and Joe says, "Meow!" Detective Smithers is thinking that this is a pretty weird farmer, considering he has gigantic animals in bags at his farm, and decided to look into it later. By now Ronnie's mind is racing._I can't be a dog, Bob was a dog, can't be a cat, Joe was a cat... What else do farmers have...._ Just then, Detective Smithers kicked the bag. All he heard from it was;


^Po-ta-to....


They're all in prison now.

A work uniform is a lot like a pair of pajamas...

Usually somebody else buys them for you, it's one of the few outfits you'll wear where the top is the same color as the bottoms, you might not wash them after every single wearing, and it can lead to depression if you're in them for more than 8 hours a day.

A young man follows in his father's footsteps... (Long)

The father chopped wood


The son chopped wood


The father built the family home


The son helped expand it


The father did many manual labor jobs to feed the family


The son sacrificed schooling to help at these jobs


The father and son did everything together


They slowly scavenged a collection of tools over the years and were able to start a repair shop


The shop did well


They were able to get a supplier for parts


They sold parts and services out of their home until they could afford to rent a small space

downtown


They called it Ben and Jerry's repair shop.


They made the sign out of wood carvings from the very first tree they chopped down together.


Things were going well.


The son Jerry even met a girl.


He had very little spare time to be with her, but he tried his best.


She ended up leaving him as she felt abandoned more often than not.


Jerry became very depressed and the business reflected that.


The father Ben was aging and couldn't do as much.

Business faltered, shop bills racked up, medical bills, and stress mounted.

Jerry felt responsible, but couldn't pick up the slack.


As strong a reputation as the shop had, a few months of his depression really had them behind on everything.


In his mind, it was his fault and he only saw one way out.


He had a simple plan.


He had to collect life insurance on his own killing.


Jerry hired a local criminal to pretend to rob the shop, and purposely kill him in the process.


The day came and the criminal showed up.


Jerry was ready to play the part. Ben was to be out of town.


Things went awry. The criminal showed up and Jerry noticed Ben in the back room when he was

supposed to be home.


The criminal panicked and shot both of them dead.


Just at that moment, Jerry's recent girlfriend walked in to see the tragedy.


The criminal ran out.


Jerry's girlfriend screamed. A scream you don't forget.


And you know what they say, "You scream. Ice cream."


She used the insurance money to found Ben and Jerry's Ice cream.

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two whores...

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two whores and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get a stiffy. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUUUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I just couldn't get a hard on." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bed!!!"

The Dwarf

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms.

The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, How did it go? The first whispers back: It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection. The second dwarf shook his head. You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't
even get on the bed!

A company sends a salesman to a middle-eastern country to boost soda sales.

He attempts a visual advertisement campaign.

All around the country, he places billboards with tree pictures, one next to the other: the picture on the left shows a poor man lost in the desert and very thirsty; the middle picture shows the same man drinking the company's drink; the picture on the right shows yet again the same man, this time happy, satisfied and smiling.

After two months of campaign, soda sales are lower than ever. The salesman is fired, falls into severe depression and goes to a psychiatrist.

"I just can't understand where I went wrong. Years of study at university, decades of experience, millions of dollars of budget..."

The psychiatrist replies "Don't you know in arabic they write right-to-left?"

The horse who could play Hendrix

There once was a horse who lived in a barn not too far from the city. This horse had one passion, playing the guitar. The horse would play his guitar all the time and his favorite artist to listen to was Jimi Hendrix. This horse LOVED Jimi and knew every single one of his songs by heart. One day he said to himself "I want to start a Jimi Hendrix cover band and people all around the globe will get to see how awesome Jimi's music really was!"

So, he went around the barn and looked for animals that could play bass and drums and be on vocals. Boy was he in luck because the first animal to respond to his request was another Hendrix fan. This fan was a cow and knew how to play bass very well. The horse and the cow got along great and the cow already knew some of Hendrix's songs by heart too! So, now the horse and the cow had to look for someone who would be willing to play drums and sing. They came across a lamb who could really wail on the drums; and sure enough, the lamb was in and wanted to be a part of this Jimi Hendrix cover band. Now, said the horse, we just need someone who could really belch and just be an amazing singer for our cover band to be complete. That's when the lamb said there was a chicken in one of the coupes on the far side of the farm who was very good at singing. The band raced over there and this chicken was indeed a very good singer.

But there was one problem: the chicken did not like Jimi Hendrix so much that he wanted to be a part of a tribute band for him. The horse, of course, was upset and said, "If you really don't like Jimi that much, then you can just go back into your coupe and never see the real world". The chicken glared into the horses' eyes and thought about the future and how if he does stay in the coupe he wouldn't be able to see what anything outside the farm was like. Then the chicken made up his mind and said, "I will join your Jimi Hendrix cover band, and if this band takes off and goes outside of the farm, I will have had my dream come true of being a free chicken".

A few weeks later after practicing in the barn, the band had gained so much recognition throughout the farm that even animals next door would try to sneak their way onto the land just to listen to the Jimi Hendrix cover band. This went on for sometime and eventually the band grew and began playing gigs and pubs in the city and small house parties; it was crazy. About 3 months later, the band was beginning to become very popular throughout their city and their county and then their state and then the entire midwest and even the whole country! The Jimi Hendrix cover band was so good that they were touring from Portland to Santa Cruz to Orlando to Des Moines. The cow, horse, lamb, and chicken were getting recognized throughout the nation and even the globe! Hitting top 20's on iTunes and breaking record sales, this tribute band was the best tribute band to ever be!

But not much later when the band was taking a short break from touring, the horse decided to stay in the suite up in NYC while the rest of the gang (cow, lamb, and chicken) went to Vienna, Austria for a week. All of a sudden, the horse received a call...and it was from...DAVID LETTERMAN, the best lat-night talk-show host to have ever lived! David said to the horse, "Hey, I know this is last minute, but can your band play for me in the studio tomorrow night? I know you guys are very good and I was just wondering if that would work out for you...I'll pay ya'll a bunch too".

The horse was ecstatic; this was the REAL David Letterman and he just asked if the cover band could play for him tomorrow night! The horse said that he was the only one in NYC at that time but would call back if the rest of the gang would be down for leaving Austria for NYC that night. So, David said, "That's cool, just lemme know and I'll talk to ya soon hopefully". So, the horse immediately called the rest of the band and said, "Hey guys guess what?" "What" "David Letterman freaking called me and asked if we could play for him tomorrow night! YOU IN!?" "Wow, the REAL David Letterman!?" "Yeah man" "SICK!!! we'll be at the suite soon!"

Once the band heard this news they immediately packed their bags and boarded their private jet. Meanwhile, the horse called David and said they would be able to play tomorrow to which David replied, "Excellent". But then something crazy happened as the plane was crossing the pacific; the right engine blew out and the plane started a downward spiral...

NOOOOO, shouted the crew as the plane smashed into the rough sea. Dead. All of them. The cow, chicken, lamb, and pilot. Dead.

Word spread quickly and was reported on every mainstream media: Famous Tribute Band No Longer Able to Jam, read one article minutes after the tragedy. The entire globe felt a heavy loss that hour; but it was worse for the horse, he felt so much distraught building up inside along with the sorrow of losing not just his band, but his best friends. David called and gave his condolences but that didn't change how the horse felt. He lost everything.

Months later after the horrific event, while the world went on about its business, the horse still had anguish, grief, and heartache.He slowly spiraled into a depression and began contemplating his own existence. He tried taking anti-depressants but those did nothing to help. He was now turning towards drugs and would shoot up when given the opportunity. He even started to drink and hit bars on a regular basis just to try and wash away the pain that reminisced in his heart. And one day he walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

The Depressed Student

Sally noticed that one of her students had been suffering from depression for the last few weeks. She decided to ask him some easy questions in an effort to engage him. “Johnny, if I subtract 4 from 12 what do I get?"

Johnny looked at her and sighed, "I don't know. What difference does it make?"

The Trump Wall 2020 (original)

Since the USA is suffering from the COVID19 pandemic, the largest unemployment since the Great Depression and the country wide protesting, rioting and looting, The Mexican President calls Trump.
He says: OK, you win, the wall gets built, by us and we will pay for it! Just stay on your side.

Mo' Engineer vs Zen master

**One**

Engineer: My heart is filled with depression

Zen master: Young man, your depression is trivial like a single line on a paper, there are still a lot of space you can fill the paper with.

The engineer drew a Peano curve.

**Two**

Engineer: Master, they say I am too edgy

Zen master: Young one, you cannot make a triangle roll.

The engineer pulled out a Reuleaux Triangle from his pocket.

**Three**

Engineer: Master, the zen master next door had a stroke!

Zen master 2: Young one, everything that lives will die eventually. You are either live or die, embrace life

The engineer pulled out a Schrodinger's Cat.

I used to work for a mining company . . .

It was a boring job; just a slow daily grind.

I would find myself in a depression everyday; unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

One day, the whole drill got to be too dull and as I was about to do something to remedy the situation, everything started to crumble down around me.

I decided I needed to get out of there in a hurry.

So I went for a drink, but as luck would have it, everyone refused to serve a miner.

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