Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.
H: Pistol, 3 letters.
H: Disgust, 3 letters.
H: Charity, 4 letters.
H: Female sheep, 3 letters
H: Pixar movie, 2 letters
My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house...
I told her, "Fear of the CIA".
She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Amazon Echo
a guy with a gun bursts into a bank and screams “a person's regular occupation, profession, or trade. also known as a commercial enterprise.” the old lady in front of him whispers to the teller, “I’d do whatever he asks. He means business.”
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
You meet a man on the Oregon trail... You meet a man on the Oregon trail that tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him that Terry is a girls' name. Without hesitation Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead. You have died of dissin Terry.
Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller...
Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'
Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"
Robber: "Don't change the subject."
What's the difference between a feminist and a gun? A gun has only one trigger.
What does Superman and a Blood gang member who lost his gun have in common? Neither one of them want to see a Kryptonite...
My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house.
"To fight the Decepticons," I said.
She laughed. I laughed.
The toaster laughed.
I shot the toaster.
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
“How was he killed” asked one detective. “With a golf gun.” Replied the second detective.
“A golf gun? What’s a golf gun?”
“I don’t know, but it sure made a hole in Juan”
I always wondered why gun barrels tasted salty Until I realized I'm always crying when I put one in my mouth
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you. You have died from dissin' Terry.
A cop is confronted by a white guy with a gun and a black guy with a nerf bat. Who does he shoot first? The bystander with the camera.
Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank, Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.
Give a man a gun, he'll rob a bank Teach a man to run a bank, he'll rob the American people.
I´m at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back...
He asks: do you want to see your family again?
I said "no".
We both had a good laugh.
My friend went to prison for something he didn't do. He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.
I still remember my grandfather's last words Don't point that gun at me you idiot
A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
What do gun owners and vegans have in common? They're both in your face about how they're not murderers.
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank Give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
After an attempted mugging, I started to carry a gun around with me Now my muggings are more successful.
McDonald's will give you a free combo meal...
McDonald's will give you a free combo meal and £127.38 if you go to the Drive Thru dressed as a clown.
With a gun.
I hate when I'm at someone's house and they ask stupid questions like... "Who are you?" and "Is that a gun?"
It's like my uncle always said: "The day I can't do my job drunk..." "...is the day I hand in my badge and gun."
Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank, Give a man a bank and he’ll rob the world.
I shot someone with a starting gun. I've been charged with race crimes
A Man walked into a bar with a gun
The man - Which one of you F*cked my wife?!
Random guy in the bar - YOU DON'T HAVE THAT MANY BULLETS!
Holding a gun to his teacher, the student demanded, "Tell me the square root of -2!" The teacher begged, "Please, let's be rational here."
So a guy walks into a bank with a gun and walks up to the teller...
Bank Robber: Put all your money in this bag or you're geography!
Bank Teller: Don't you mean history?
Bank Robber: Hey! Don't try to change the subject!
Why can't a feminist shoot a gun? They can't handle the triggers.
I donated my phone and my watch today and you can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him putting his gun back into his pocket
What is the difference between a gun and a feminist? A gun only has one trigger
What is the difference between a millennial and a gun? A gun only has one trigger.
My dad asked why i have a gun in my house Is said because of the decepticons, i laughed, my dad laughed, the toaster laughed, i shot the toaster, it was a good night.
My friend said this. Not sure if it was original or not but i have to share it. "Whenever someone calls shot gun I call Rosa Parks and sit in shotgun anyway."
I hate it when I'm at someone's party and they keep asking stupid questions like... "Who are you?" and "Is that a gun?"
My girlfriend asked why I carried a gun on me around the house...
I said "Fear of the CIA"
She laughed, I laughed, Amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Amazon Echo.
What do you call a gun made out of sodium chloride? A salt rifle.
How do so many cops think they see a gun that isnt there this year? They have 2020 vision.
A man broke into my house with a Knife and a gun But I wasn’t scared Becuase if he stole anything it would be illegal
A woman walked into a bank and took off her top and pulled out a gun she stole thousands, shame no one could remember her face.
What kind of candy does a gun eat?
Sub machine gum.
I can't take full credit for this joke, though. My 8 year old came up with it.
It sucks how much schooling has changed Homeschooling went from teaching your own kid to bringing your kid to the gun range.
I tried to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work. Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
We need new laws on gun control, because criminals aren't following our current laws! It's funny because gun control doesn't work
I’m surprised by the nutrition facts of a gun! It’s only .50 cal
Say what you will about gun rights advocates... But they really hold deer their hunting rifles.
What do you call a Skunk with a gun? Pepe le pew pew pew pew.
My friend was bragging that he can print a gun using his 3-D Printer, but I wasn’t impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
What do a gun and pack of gum have in common Everyone wants to be your friend when you pull one out in school
On 30th April 1945, Hitler's wife went up to him and asked Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
What did the cat say to the octopus with a gun in each tentacle ? You're one short, buddy.
What do gun owners and people who wear tank tops have in common? They both have the right to bare arms.
What's black and dangerous and sits in a tree? A crow with a machine gun
Losing my virginity was just like the Olympics... there were eight black guys and a gun
I was walking down the street one day and I passed the gun store. I walked in and everything was half off... I didn't know back to school sales had already started!
My music teacher gave a lecture about gun control the other day It was a glock and spiel
You know what's better than a rape whistle?
A rape knife or a rape gun. All's I'm saying is don't bring a whistle to a rape fight.
credit to comedian Doug Mellard
Today, I donate a watch, a phone and a wallet to a poor guy today. You can imagine the happiness I felt when he put away his gun.
Why did the Amputee Buy a Gun? He Wanted to be Armed.
What do you call it when you take a shot of whiskey and stick a gun in your mouth? The Hemingway diet.
What do you call Kansas with a gun? Arkansas
Why don’t Republican politicians introduce stricter gun control bills? Because it’s easier for the NRA to write “no changes.” on the memo line of their donation cheques.
I asked a Republican about gun control... He said, "It's bad to politicize today's tragedy! It's too soon to discuss last week's tragedy. It's a bit late to discuss last month's tragedy."
What do you get when you put 8 black men and a Gun together ? The 100m Olympic Finals, ofcourse.
What were John Lennons last words before he died? That's not a real gun.
Trump just lifted the ban on hunting hibernating bears In other words, this gun law says "You have the right to bear" arms.
My microwave asked me why I was walking around with a gun...
I told it becuase of the CIA...
It laughed, I laughed, my wife laughed...
I shot my wife...
I don't understand why people say that it doesnt work to just "pull out" Whenever I pull out a gun, people listen right away!
How do you stop an Ethiopian tank with a gun? Shoot the people pushing it.
What do you call a college democrat with a gun? Triggered.
Why was the bodybuilder arrested at the elementary school? Because it was a gun-free zone
Gun control is very similar to any Muslim It doesn't fly with me.
What's the difference between tumblr and a gun? The gun has only one trigger
A mugger approaches an Irish man
He points his gun and says, "Your money or your life!"
The Irishman replies, "Take me life. I'm saving me money for me old age."
My dad got a gun to protect the 4 kids.
Then got rid of the gun to protect the 3 kids.
(Credit: Anthony Jeselnik)