Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.
H: Pistol, 3 letters.
H: Disgust, 3 letters.
H: Charity, 4 letters.
H: Female sheep, 3 letters
H: Pixar movie, 2 letters
My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house...
I told her, "Fear of the CIA".
She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Amazon Echo
a guy with a gun bursts into a bank and screams “a person's regular occupation, profession, or trade. also known as a commercial enterprise.” the old lady in front of him whispers to the teller, “I’d do whatever he asks. He means business.”
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
You meet a man on the Oregon trail... You meet a man on the Oregon trail that tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him that Terry is a girls' name. Without hesitation Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead. You have died of dissin Terry.
Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller...
Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'
Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"
Robber: "Don't change the subject."
What's the difference between a feminist and a gun? A gun has only one trigger.
What does Superman and a Blood gang member who lost his gun have in common? Neither one of them want to see a Kryptonite...
My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house.
"To fight the Decepticons," I said.
She laughed. I laughed.
The toaster laughed.
I shot the toaster.
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
“How was he killed” asked one detective. “With a golf gun.” Replied the second detective.
“A golf gun? What’s a golf gun?”
“I don’t know, but it sure made a hole in Juan”
I always wondered why gun barrels tasted salty Until I realized I'm always crying when I put one in my mouth
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you. You have died from dissin' Terry.
A cop is confronted by a white guy with a gun and a black guy with a nerf bat. Who does he shoot first? The bystander with the camera.
Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank, Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.
Give a man a gun, he'll rob a bank Teach a man to run a bank, he'll rob the American people.
I´m at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back...
He asks: do you want to see your family again?
I said "no".
We both had a good laugh.
My friend went to prison for something he didn't do. He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.
I still remember my grandfather's last words Don't point that gun at me you idiot
A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
What do gun owners and vegans have in common? They're both in your face about how they're not murderers.
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank Give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
After an attempted mugging, I started to carry a gun around with me Now my muggings are more successful.
McDonald's will give you a free combo meal...
McDonald's will give you a free combo meal and £127.38 if you go to the Drive Thru dressed as a clown.
With a gun.
I hate when I'm at someone's house and they ask stupid questions like... "Who are you?" and "Is that a gun?"
It's like my uncle always said: "The day I can't do my job drunk..." "...is the day I hand in my badge and gun."
Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank, Give a man a bank and he’ll rob the world.
I shot someone with a starting gun. I've been charged with race crimes
A Man walked into a bar with a gun
The man - Which one of you F*cked my wife?!
Random guy in the bar - YOU DON'T HAVE THAT MANY BULLETS!
Holding a gun to his teacher, the student demanded, "Tell me the square root of -2!" The teacher begged, "Please, let's be rational here."
Give a man a gun he can rob a bank... Give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
My wife asked why I carried a gun around the house. I told her : Fear of CIA.
She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon echo laughed.
I shot the echo.
A man applies for a job as a police officer.
The officer says: Alright, one more thing. Take this gun and go shoot 7 black men and a squirrel.
The man replies: Why the squirrel?
The officer says: I love your attitude, you got the job!
I've never shot a gun because that would be a weird target
My wife asked why I brought a gun home I told her it was in case the decepticons attacked. She said that's the silliest thing she's ever heard and that I didn't need a gun. My wife laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed. I shot the toaster.
A guy runs into a bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and shouts, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!" Puzzled, the teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?” The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
You know why a gun is better than a wife? You can put a silencer on a gun.
What is the difference between a millennial and a gun? A gun only has one trigger.
How is a church like a laser gun? Pew! Pew! Pew!
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun and points it at the teller…
“Give me all your money or you’re geography.” he says.
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber says, “Don’t change the subject.”
What’s the difference between a firearm and a firework?
Well one is banned in many us states for causing deadly injuries...
...and the other is a gun.
What’s a Vsco Girls favorite Pubg Gun? a Sksksks
Why did the Amputee Buy a Gun? He Wanted to be Armed.
Today I gave a man on the street everything in my wallet, my food, my cigarettes and even the shoes on my feet It was the best feeling in the world seeing him put the gun away and walk off.
Perfect solution to make the Right want gun control... Rename schools to uteruses so they’ll care about kids dying there.
What do you call a gun made out of sodium chloride? A salt rifle.
What do you call an anti-aircraft gun that shoots high-quality digital audio files? A .flac gun
Why did the gun shoot the other gun? Because it was triggered.
A man walks into a gun shop and sees that the clerk is a Tyrannosaurus Rex. He asks, "What's with the small arms?"
What is the favourite gun caliber of a german? Nein millimeter.
Don’t you hate it when you come to somebody’s place and they just can’t shut up asking you stupid questions like “what do you want” and “who are you” and “omg is that a real gun?”
A cowboy kept trying to draw his gun Unfortunately, he couldn't find a pencil.
A guy behind me just pulled out a gun. This must be the weirdest prostate exam he's ever done.
A guy applies for a job at the L.A.P.D.
The inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen! Just one more thing: take this gun and shoot 6 black men and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" the man replies.
"Good attitude, you've got the job!"
Two guys are walking down the street when a thug lunges from an alley and points a gun at them...
"Gimmie all your money, both of you! Now!" the thug says.
Bill says, "Wait! Wait! Wait! Just a minute! Steve, here's that $200 I owe you!"
I hate when you're over someone's house and they start asking you stupid questions. Like "who are you" and "is that a gun?"
What kind of gun DOESN'T kill things? A vegun
What did the gun feel before being fired? Triggered.
"Is that a gun in your pants, or are you happy to see me?" Both, now get in the van.
A Kalashnikov walks into a BAR Then they had a gun fight.
What is the difference between a feminist and a gun? A gun only has one trigger.
I told him I didn't want a tattoo... ...but then he drew a gun on me.
If you put a loaded gun to your head and pull the trigger... What happens next will blow your mind.
What gun does a cheesemaker use? A camemberetta.
Some people bring pepper spray for self protection. Others carry a gun. I bring Goo-Gone for sticky situations.
My mum's reached the stage of her life where all she does is tell me about people that have died. "you know Doreen? She's just died. You know Margery? She's just died." I said to her "mum, get off the roof and give me the gun"
A panda bear with a gun walks into a pub and orders some food. He eats, shoots and leaves
Two goldfish are sitting in a tank. One turns to the other and says: I'll drive. You man the gun.
I hated working at the gun shop. It *triggered* me so much.
My daughter asked what I was doing with my shotgun, I said I was hunting decepticons. She laughed, I laughed, the refrigerator laughed, I shot the refrigerator. Turns out... It's illegal to fire a gun within city limits, I got arrested.
Whats a feminists favorite part of a gun? The Trigger.
I started carrying a hand gun after a failed mugging attempt. Now, all my mugging attempts have been successful.
I shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
Right now Kim Jong Un feels like the kid who everything thinks might bring a gun to school. So we're doing the only thing that makes sense and doubling down on the ridicule.
What is the difference between a feminist and a gun? A gun has only one trigger
I saw a stranger in an alley
I saw a stranger in an alley, and decided to give him $2000.
You should have seen the smile on my face when he put his gun away.
Two fish are in their tank. One looks at the other and says, " You man the gun. I'll drive."
The two things I hate more than anything are exaggeration and hypothetical situations. if somebody were to put a gun to my head and try to force me to do either, I'd tell them to just pull the trigger.
My microwave asked me why I was walking around with a gun...
I told it becuase of the CIA...
It laughed, I laughed, my wife laughed...
I shot my wife...
Birth control pills should be for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
We need to have a conversation about gun control. Alright, shoot.
Trump was cleaning his gun in Trump Tower...
Kellyanne Conway walks in and asks,
Kellyanne: "Why do you have a gun?"
Trump: "Obama Spy Drones"
Trump shoots the Microwave.
My wife asked me why I carried a gun around the house I told her; fear of the CIA. She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Echo.
Do you know why a gun is better than a wife? You can put a silencer on a gun.
I know Mexican judo
Judo know if I have a knife.
Judo know if I have a gun.
I have a french gun for sale from WW1. In excellent condition. Never been used and only dropped once.
A man walks into a bar with a gun
A man walks into a bar with a gun and yells "WHO SLEPT WITH MY WIFE! I'M GONNA KILL 'EM!"
A man calmly stands up and says, "You ain't got enough bullets, mate."
What do you put in an oragami gun? Paper clips.
Guy walks into a bar with a unholsteret gun
Entering he waves it in the air shouting
"This is a 8 round loaded 1911, now tell me who slept with my wife!"
Shortly after you hear a yelling from the background.
"YOU NEED MORE AMMO!"
What do you call a college democrat with a gun? Triggered.
Why was the bodybuilder arrested at the elementary school? Because it was a gun-free zone
"Y'know with all the civil unrest, political corruption, class divides, drug smuggling, gang wars, police brutality, gun violence, and poor education maybe building a wall to protect us from our southern neighbors isn't such a bad idea" \- Canada
How does trump fire a gun? He tells the bullet it's fired.
Why do Democrats push for more gun control? Because they can't stop shooting themselves in the foot.
A Jew gets robbed
The thief points a gun threateningly at the Jew, "Your money or your life!"
The Jew stops in his tracks and does nothing.
The thief waves the gun. "I said, your money or your life!!!!"
The Jew says, "I'm thinking, I'm thinking!"
Similarity between a feminist and a gun? They are both loud when triggered.
What's the difference between tumblr and a gun? The gun has only one trigger
What do you call a prostitute who's upset about gun control? A sandy hooker
A gun made by an SJW would be interesting Because they'd remove the trigger.
I got in to a gun fight with a mexican at a golf club. I shot a hole in Juan.