Gun Jokes

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Funniest Gun Jokes

Funny Gun Jokes

My friend claims he can print a gun in using his 3D printer... But I'm not impressed, I've had a canon printer for ages.

My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house... I told her, "Fear of the CIA".

She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Amazon Echo

"So is that a gun in your trousers or are you just happy to see me?" "Both ,now get in the van"

You meet a man on the Oregon trail... You meet a man on the Oregon trail that tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him that Terry is a girls' name. Without hesitation Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead. You have died of dissin Terry.

What's the difference between a feminist and a gun? A gun has only one trigger.

What does Superman and a Blood gang member who lost his gun have in common? Neither one of them want to see a Kryptonite...

My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house. "To fight the Decepticons," I said.

She laughed. I laughed.

The toaster laughed.

I shot the toaster.

My girlfriend asked why I carry a gun around the house? I looked her dead in the eye and said, "the motherfucking decepticons". She laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed, I shot the toaster, it was a good time.

A guy with a gun walks into a bar.. "Which one of you fuckers slept with my wife?!"
A voice from the back shouted "I don't think you have enough bullets, mate"

I always wondered why gun barrels tasted salty Until I realized I'm always crying when I put one in my mouth

You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you. You have died from dissin' Terry.

A cop is confronted by a white guy with a gun and a black guy with a nerf bat. Who does he shoot first? The bystander with the camera.

Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank, Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.

I took my new gun out to the range, but couldn’t make it work. Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.

I´m at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back... He asks: do you want to see your family again?
I said "no".
We both had a good laugh.

I still remember my grandfather's last words Don't point that gun at me you idiot

A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

What do gun owners and vegans have in common? They're both in your face about how they're not murderers.

I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then my muggings have been a lot more successful.

Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank Give a man a bank and he can rob the world.

After an attempted mugging, I started to carry a gun around with me Now my muggings are more successful.

Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank, Give a man a bank and he’ll rob the world.

I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago.... ...since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

A Man walked into a bar with a gun The man - Which one of you F*cked my wife?!

Random guy in the bar - YOU DON'T HAVE THAT MANY BULLETS!

Holding a gun to his teacher, the student demanded, "Tell me the square root of -2!" The teacher begged, "Please, let's be rational here."

A man comes into his bedroom and sees his wife with his best friend in bed.... The man quickly takes out his gun and shoots his best friend, killing him. The wife shouts - "If you continue with that attitude you are going to end up with no friends!"

Give a man a gun and he will rob a bank Give a man a bank and he will rob everyone

I got a free iPad and iPhone today. It's like... this gun is magic!!!

What's the difference between a feminist and a gun? A gun actually does something when it's triggered.

Give a man a gun he can rob a bank... Give a man a bank and he can rob the world.

A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!" "You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"

What's the difference between a feminist and a gun? A gun only has one trigger.

My wife asked my why i carry a gun in the house. I looked at her and said "Decepticons". She laughed, i laughed, the toaster laughed, i shot the toaster. It was a good time.

The first time I asked a woman to sleep with me my hands were shaking and I was sweating uncontrollably I'd never pointed a gun at anyone before

Wow I got all this for free today. iPhone, some weed, and $2 000 ... it’s like this gun is magic!

My wife asked why I carried a gun around the house. I told her : Fear of CIA. She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon echo laughed.

I shot the echo.

Whats the difference between a gun and a feminist? A gun only has one trigger

"So is that a gun in your trousers or you are just happy to see me ?" "Both , now get in the van ."

A robber enters a bank and points a gun at the teller Robber: Put all the money in the bag or you’re Geography!

Teller: Don’t you mean History?

Robber: Don’t change the subject!

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A woman walked into a bank and took off her top and pulled out a gun she stole thousands, shame no one could remember her face.

I like to keep a gun in my nightstand drawer just in case someone breaks in That way I can shoot myself to avoid social interaction

I bought myself a gun a few years back after an attempted robbery Since then, I have been a lot more successful in my attempts

What do a bag of chips and a gun have in common? When you pull them out in class suddenly everyone wants to be your friend

My friend keeps bragging that he can make a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

What do most people do instinctively when a gun is pointed at them? lol


edit: that's a person raising his arms.

I tried to test my new gun at the range, but it wouldn’t work. Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.

I was playing Oregon Trail I met a man named Terry. I chose to laugh at him for having such a girlie name. He pulled out a gun and shot me.

I died from dissin' Terry.

You’re fired. “You’re fired”

*turns in gun and badge*

“You’re a waiter where did you get those”

I got a gun for Christmas but I can’t fire it I suppose I should check the “Trouble Shooting?” guide

a grade A+ joke My friend asked why I carry a gun around the house. I said "decepticons." he laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed, I shot the toaster. it was a good time.

Thank you Alexa Burglar: *points gun at me* Alright buddy just show me your valuables and nobody gets hurt

Me: Haha sure thing dude - ALEXA CALL THE POLICE

Alexa: “Shuffling songs by The Police”

*Roxanne plays as I get shot 16 times*

Yesterday i've donated my purse,watch and cellphone to a poor guy. You Can't imagine the happiness that I felt as i saw him putting his gun back in his pocket

This guy looked really scared when I pulled the gun out. He looked at me as it to say, "What was that doing up your arsehole?"

A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper. He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

Octopus : [holding a gun in each hand] Cat : You're one short buddy

My friend was bragging that he can print a gun using his 3-D Printer, but I wasn’t impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

Proud of myself Yesterday I've donated my cellphone watch and wallet to a poor guy. You Can't imagine the happiness that I felt as i saw him putting his gun back in his pocket

Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range

The first time I asked a woman to make love to me my hands were sweating and shaking uncontrollably.. Ive never pointed a gun at anyone before.

What’s the difference between a gun and a feminist? A gun only has one trigger.

What does a gun and a pack of gum have in common? Everyone suddenly wants to be your friend when you take it out at school.

Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand] Cat: you're one short pal

Why do Americans take a gun while they go fishing ? Cause groups of fish are called schools

A man with a gun bursts into a bar He shouts "which one of you fuckers slept with my wife"

A voice from the back calls back "you haven't got enough bullets mate"

I buy my gun from a guy named t-rex He is a small arms dealer.

I think my wife is putting glue on my antique gun collection. She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

Point a gun at your head and pull the trigger what happens next will blow your mind

My Boss: "You're Fired" Me: turns in gun and badge

My boss: “You’re a waiter where did you get those”

A man walks into a bar with a gun and yells "WHO SLEPT WITH MY WIFE! I'M GONNA KILL 'EM!" A man calmly stands up and says, "You ain't got enough bullets, mate."

How is a laser gun like a church? They go “pew pew pew”

Today I donated my watch Today I donated my watch, my phone and 500$. You don’t know the happiness I felt when he put his gun away.

My boss: "you're fired" Me: *turn in gun and badge*



My boss: "you're a waiter, where did you get those?"

What do you call a gun with three barrels? A trifle.

What's the difference between a gun and a social justice warrior? The gun has only one trigger.

I always keep a loaded gun on my nightstand in the event of an intruder So I can shoot myself to avoid meeting new people

Feminists are way more dangerous than someone with a gun At least a gun only has one trigger...

What do you call a gun made fully from concrete? An asphalt rifle

Solid joke right?

My Boss: You're fired Me: *turns in gun and badge*

My Boss: Where did you get those? You're a teacher.

I donated my phone and my watch today and you can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him putting his gun back into his pocket

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Long Gun Jokes

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!

Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..

Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket. “Very good,” said the teacher. Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks.” The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched . “Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.” “Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.

“Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.” “Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?”

The child said: “Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”

Three students at the CIA Academy were about to graduate.

The instructor called them into a room and said to the first one,

“Take this gun and go into the next room. I want you to assassinate whomever you find there. If you don’t do this, you don’t graduate.”

The man took the gun and went into the next room, where he found his wife. Taking one look at her, he returned to the instructor, threw down his gun and quit, saying, “I can’t do this.”

The next man went into the room and saw his own wife. He hesitated a moment, then he, too, resigned.

The third man took the gun and went into the room. The instructor heard six rapid shots, followed by screams, thuds, crashes, then silence. Then the door opened and out came the third agent all bloody, and his shirt in shreds.

He said to the instructor, “You idiot, you gave me blanks! I had to strangle her!”

a guy with a gun bursts into a bank and screams “a person's regular occupation, profession, or trade. also known as a commercial enterprise.”

the old lady in front of him whispers to the teller, “I’d do whatever he asks. He means business.”

A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."

Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."

The Turkish respond: "Okay, maybe we should settle this outside."
The Russian: "That's your second problem: You always want to solve your problems with violence."

The Turkish bring him outside and pull their knives.
The Russian: "And here's your third problem. You always bring knives to gun fights."

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name

He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her. She named the baby girl "Love," inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name. She came home from school one day and screamed at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name. Carol took the blame to protect his wife and apologized. In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away.

Minutes later, Carol's wife game home and saw him lying on the ground. "What happened?" She asked, running to him.

He waved her closer, and whispered, "Shot through the heart, and you're to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name."

A blonde walks into a shop and wants a pair of alligator boots.

The shopkeeper tells her they do not sell expensive items to blondes.

After becoming very frustrated with the shopkeepers attitude the blonde declares. FINE ILL JUST GO CATCH AN ALLIGATOR AND GET MY OWN BOOTS!

The shopkeeper replied why don't you just try young lady with a smirk.

So the blonde heads out to the swamp absolutely determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day the shopkeeper drives by and noticed the Young lady waist deep in water with a shotgun in her hands.

He stops and watches as a very large alligator swims right at her. With lighting fast reflexes she throws the gun up and shoots the alligator killing it instantly.

He keeps watching as she drags the alligator to a pile of 6 or 7 more. As he rolls down the window to ask why she needs so many Gators for one pair of boots she rolls it over and shouts.

AHHHH THIS ONES BAREFOOT TOOO!

The secret to a long life

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

One Marine is better than...

A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune:
"One Marine is better than ten Isis fighters".

The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than one hundred Isis 'S.O.B.'s'".

Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences.
After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The voice calls out again: "One Marine is better than a thousand Isis fighters." The enraged Isis commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible fight is fought ... then silence.

Eventually, one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men ... it's a trap. There's two of them."

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States...

Wandering aimlessly and starving, They are about to lie down and accept their death when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, candied bacon, canadianed bacon, smoked bacon ... In fact there is every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we are saved! Issa bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe it's a mirage? We're in the desert, don't forget."

"Pepe, since when did you ever hear of a mirage that smells like bacon...its no mirage, it's a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to about 5 meters away, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun open fires on them and Luis drops like a wet sock. Luis, mortally wounded, warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, its not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... What is it? "

"Pepe.. its not a bacon tree. Its

Its

Its

Its

Its a ham bush!"

John finally decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.

One evening, after their honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage, just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally spoke................. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley.”

John got a horrified look on his face.

She said"Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, "There, for a minute, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

John replied: “I wasn't."

(Edit: Removed Tom from story!)

A Mafia leader gets cheated out of $10 million by his bookeeper, Paul.

Paul had been deaf all of his life, so it was assumed he would be perfect for the job. A deaf guy couldn't hear anything that he would have to testify in court, after all.

When the leader found out, he went to confront Paul with an interpreter, one who knows ASL. "Ask him where the $10 million he stole from me is," he demanded.

The interpreter signs this to Paul, to which he signs back "I don't know what you're talking about." The godfather pulls out a gun and puts it to Paul's head and tells the interpreter, "Ask him again!"

The interpret asks again, signing "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" Paul signs back, "Alright, alright! The money is in a brown suitcase behind the shed of my estate in Queens!"

The interpreter says nothing. After a few seconds, the godfather asks, "Well, what'd he say?" The interpreter smiles and says " He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

A man is pulled over by police for speeding

Police 1: do you know how fast you are going?

Man: no, but I do know I am escaping a bank heist.

Police 1: Really?

Man: yes, I robbed the bank and the loot is in my car's trunk

Police 1: is that everything?

Man: no sir, I have a dead body in my backseat and a gun in my glove compartment

[Police 1 calls for backup and now the swat team approaches the man's car]

SWAT 1: I'm going to need you step outside the vehicle

[ the man steps out and the police search the car]

SWAT 1: he appears to have no gun, no stolen money, and no dead body.

Police 1: but he told me he committed those crimes...

Man: well I bet that liar told you I was speeding too!

A blonde guy walks into a bar

A hefty, muscular gun toting blond guy from Austin Texas goes to a bar on his Harley Davidson. He parks the bike outside, goes in and orders a drink.

Now the regulars at this bar have a habit of picking on newcomers. So when the blond goes back his bike is missing from its spot. He walks back in.

He shouts out

Which one of ya'll fuckers stole my Harley?

Nobody answers. He caresses his gun and says

Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna get another drink and if ma bike ain't back where I left it, I'm gonna do the same thing I did back in Austin. And I don't like what I did back in Austin.

True to his word, he orders a drink and goes back out, to find his Harley back where it was!

As he puts on his helmet, the bar owner asks him

If you don't mind me asking, what did you do back in Austin?

The blond replies

I had to walk back home

A mugger

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

Pregnant Wife

Guy: Doctor, My wife is pregnant but we always used double protection. Then, how is it possible?


Doctor: Let me tell you a story to make you realize how it is possible.


"There was a Hunter who always carried a Gun wherever he went. One day, he took his umbrella instead of his gun and went out.


A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the Lion, the hunter used the Umbrella like a gun and shot the Lion, the Lion collapsed & died.


Guy:That is totally nonsense. Someone else must have shot the Lion!


Doctor: Good! Next patient please...

Edit: a word

Funniest joke of all time...according to Wikipedia...thought I share.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"[

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving.

They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden, Luis says...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell!? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon!

Every imaginable kind of cured pork!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree.

He gets to within 5 feet, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.

Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath...

"Pepe... Go back man! You was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it?!"

"Pepe..ees not a bacon tree. Ees..."

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...a ham bush...!!"

A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl...

One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor. After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home finds herself in a local gun shop, purchasing a handgun. The next day she awakens with renewed vengeance for her lover's betrayal. She dresses and immediately heads straight to his apartment, gun tucked in the back of her pants as a failsafe in case things get ugly. Not bothering to knock, she bursts into her boyfriend's apartment to find him and a brunette cuddled up on the couch. As the reality sinks in, the blonde is overcome with complete despair and rage. She whips the gun out and holds it to her own head. The boyfriend leaps off the couch and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The blonde, a vile look in her crazed eyes, entirely devoid of that love she once knew, snarls, "Shut up. You're next."

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