School Jokes

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Funniest School Jokes

Virginity in school Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the schools are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

Funny School Jokes

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute... On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

Why are Americans so dumb? Because they shoot the ones that go to school

What can the coronavirus do that the us government can't? Stop school shootings

The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence. Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch

becomes

Jimmy went to school and ate his colon

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves. Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.

I learned yesterday that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute... On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

Sir, your son was smoking marijuana at school during the class! Says the teacher to a student's parent at a school gathering.

-- Did he say where he got it?

-- Yes! His best friend gave it to him.


The father, cleaning his tears:

-- Did he really say that?

White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do... We shoot each other in school because we have class

I received a call from the school telling me my son is constantly lying. I said "Tell him he's a good liar. I don't have a son."

Why are Americans so stupid? Because they shoot all the ones that go to school

In high school some kids told me they’d give me $20 to hang out with them. Turns out it was just clique bait.

It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right.... Alcohol IS a solution.

My son got kicked out of school for letting a girl in his class jerk him off... I said son that's 4 schools this year. Maybe teaching isn't for you

What's the best part about summer in the U.S.? 3 months of no school shootings.

Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight. Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.

My son got thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class jack him off... I said "Son, That's three schools this year...maybe teaching is not for you"

Why are Americans so stupid? Because it's only the ones who skip school who survive.

Soon, the only way to abort a kid in the US... ... will be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.

My grandpa said "your life revolves too much around technology. Then I said, "no, yours does." Then I unplugged his life support.

EDIT: Came back from school to this! R.I.P Inbox!

My son just got kicked out of school for letting a girl jerk him off. I said son, that's the third school this year, maybe teaching isn't for you.

I got voted “Least Likely To Succeed” by my high school class... I hate being a teacher...

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

"Mommy, why does everyone at school pick on me?" "I have no idea, Someoneyourownsize"

"Mommy, why does everyone at school pick on me?" "I've no idea, Someoneyourownsize."

School joke Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: Who just threw that?!
Boy: Me! I’m going home now.

My son was kicked out of school for letting a girl in his class jerk him off. I said, "Son, that's the third school this year..." "Maybe teaching isn't for you."

We had a band in High School called 1023 Megabytes. We never made it to a gig.

When I was a kid adults would use swear words then apologise by saying 'Excuse my French'. I still remember my first day at school when the teacher asked "Does anyone know any French?"

What's the difference between a Pakistani middle school and an Al Qaeda training ground? I dunno, I just fly the drone.

A young black Jew asks his father, "Dad, am I more black or more Jew?"... "Why do you ask?" asks the Dad.

The boy says, "Well, a guy at school has a bike for sale for $150 and I can't decide if I want to haggle him down to $100, or just steal it."

A white guy, a black guy, an Indian, an Asian women and a girl in a wheel chair walk into a bar They are celebrating being on the cover of a middle school math book

To this day, my bully that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the positive side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

I got voted “Least Likely To Succeed” by my high school class… God, I hate being a teacher…

I'm Aussie and Americans are always asking me where in Australia there isn’t something trying to kill you... School is my answer!

I was voted “Least likely to Suceed” by my high school class. I hate being a teacher.

My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will bully him because of his name... I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"

I don't get the appeal of school shooter jokes. I guess they're aimed at a younger audience.

Germany opens a summer school for kids with ADD Its a concentration camp

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New School Jokes

I told a mitosis joke in school once I thought it was hilarious, but the class was divided.

Bringing chewing gum to school is like bringing guns to school: everyone starts acting like you've been best friends since 1st grade once they see what you have.

What's the difference between a school bus and a cactus? A cactus keeps the little pricks on the outside.

When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French!” after a swear word... I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...

Cheap oil, no immigration and no school shootings. Corona did what Trump promised

Say what you want about Trump... ...but he’s brought school shootings down to zero for more than an entire month.

Hey ya know what the good thing about schools shutting down is? We might hit a new record for longest time without a school shooting!

Whats the difference between a Cactus and a School bus? A cactus has all the little pricks on the outside.

I have a friend who worked in Chicago his entire life tell me it isn't that violent... He is a tail gunner on a school bus.

I wanna try asking out my school crush, but it might come off as awkward Man being a teacher is hard

To this day, the boy who used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.... On the plus side he makes a great Big Mac

My biggest fear is dying alone. That's why I drive a school bus.

I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only memorizing even numbers. What are the odds?

There’s no way video games cause violence. If they did, school shootings would involve a LOT more tea bagging.

I didn't see you at Ninja school today Nice work

I don’t get school shooting jokes They must be aimed at a younger audience

My school took my MP3 after I sung the song “Pumped Up Kicks” loudly in class. When I brought my new MP4, they took it, and my friends laughed at me.

Tommorow I might bring my MP5, let’s hope no one takes this one.

My asian parents are actually very supportive of my career path They let me pick which medical school I'm going to

There’s a reason why students are forbidden to play Fortnite during school It would be really hard to tell where all the gunshots are coming from

A high school bully sees an old victim at their reunion, Bully: Hey virgin!

Victim: Im not a virgin, just ask your sister.

Bully: I dont have a sister, dumbass.

Victim: Just wait nine months.

School shooters I just dont like school shooting jokes i dont know why.

Mabey its just because they're aimed at kids

Alternative nursery rhymes Mary had a little lamb, her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, between two chunks of bread.

I was driving by a sign that said "SLOW - School Zone" when it hit me... A child to be exact.

My 10 year high school reunion was this weekend... I ran into these twin brothers I hadn’t seen since graduation, and I thought to myself..

“Well, you two still look the same.”

I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers. What are the odds?

What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up? The mean increases.

I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper. She said that newspapers are old school and that no one reads them anymore, and proceeded to hand me her iPad.



That fly didn't stand a chance.

I just saw my high school teacher the other day and she didn't remember who I was...... I was home schooled :(

I never understood school shooting jokes I guess they are aimed at an younger audience

Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken. Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.

Minecraft is probably what hitler would have titled his autobiography if he had gotten into art school

The son speaks to his dad Son: Dad, I've got a part in the school play, I play a man who's been married for 25 years.

Dad: Maybe next time you will get a speaking part.

I never understood school shooting jokes. I guess they are aimed at a younger audience.

I was walking home from school when I saw a boy on the curb wearing rags and cloths. I asked "Are you an orphan?" He said "Yes, what gave me away?" I said "Your Parents"

I brought my MP3 player to school yesterday, but bullies broke it. Luckily, today is my birthday and my parents got me an MP4 player, but the bullies broke it again Tomorrow, i'll bring an MP5

Today is the day "Bring your pet at school " Can I bring my desert eagle?

There was a kidnapping at my school once. A teacher had to wake him up.

There was a kidnapping at school today It’s ok, he woke up.

A father confronts his young son in the backyard. “I heard you skipped school today to go to the beach with your friends.”

“That’s a lie!” the boy shouts. “And I’ve got the movie stub to prove it.”

How do you sneak into a school for ghosts? Just act super natural.

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Long School Jokes

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the right places. I couldn't believe my luck.

I asked her what she did for a living. She said she taught sunday school. Now I never had me a Christian girl, but I'm open minded so I took her to dinner.

On the way, I lit a joint and asked her if she puffs.

"Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children."

I said okay, weed's 50/50 some people do some people don't. And I took her to the best restaurant I knew. I ordered the steak, she ordered the lobster. I asked for the second most expensive bottle of wine on the menu. When the waitress came to pour, She said she didn't drink.

I said "you don't drink?!?"

"Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children."

Excellent food, sparkling conversation but i'm bummed out, I don't know what to do with a girl like this.

So I'm driving her home and pass a cheap motel, I figure, what have I got to lose. So i ask:

"wanna get a room and knock boots?"

She says: I thought you'd never ask!

I say: Really? What are you gonna tell your Sunday school children?

She says: The same thing I tell them every week. You don't have to drink and do drugs to have a good time!

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.

The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This’ll be a breeze” so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.

The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.

The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

Dear Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, dad.

She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.

She sure deserves it!

Don't worry dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.

I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home!

Man wakes up in a slum with no memory of how he got there.

He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is.

"You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man, "But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here."

All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some moldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realize how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armor blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines.

The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. "That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there."

So the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the moldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street.

"What are the odds?" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. "That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line." The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch.

While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him, "The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!"

Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel.

And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. "Come," the beggar told him, "I'll take you to the evening meal." So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. "That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line," and then he added, "and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!"

The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. "What is it," he thought, "that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring.

Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realized he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realized he looked much the same.

The beggar laughed jovially. "I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own.

Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. "That's the line for the dragon meat," he said before turning to the next line, "and that's the line for angeldust stew," then he paused, confused.

"What is it?" the man asked his old friend.

The beggar replied, "There appears to be no punchline."

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working”

“If your name is Michael, please stand up”

Then a couple dudes stand up

And he goes “That concludes the mike check”

​

stolen from twitter @ cheyrubi

Two guys are sitting next to each other in a pub.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

The guy asks, "Why do you say that?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

A girl is dared by a boy to climb the school flagpole.

She bets him five dollars that she can and he agrees. She climbs all the way to the top and gets her five bucks.

She tells her mom after school, feeling proud of her accomplishment.

“Oh honey, he just wanted you to climb the pole so he could see your underwear.” She says, shaking her head.

Incensed she returns to school the next day. This time the boy offers her ten dollars to climb the pole. She thinks this is a pretty good racket so she does.

Again after school she tells her mom who is this time a little upset.

“But sweetie remember what I said last time, he’s just trying to see your underwear.”

The girl grins slyly and responds “I know, that’s why I didn’t wear any underwear.”

A nun at a Catholic School was asking her 10 year old students what they wanted to be when they grew up.

"Susie, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Susie said "I want to be a doctor."

"Very nice," the nun said. "Jenny what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Jenny said "I want to be a teacher."

"Excellent answer," the nun replied. "Martha what are you going to be when you grow up."

Martha replies "I want to be a prostitute."

Hearing that the nun faints.

The little girls all rush forward to the nun laying on the ground and try to help her. Shortly the nun regains consciousness And says in a weak voice "Martha what did you just say you wanted to be when you grew up?"

Martha says "I said I wanted to be a prostitute."

"Oh thank goodness," the nun said "for a moment I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant."

No one believes seniors...

No one believes seniors… Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered. They found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved ‘I love you, Sally’.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers."
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers, who were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Jerry said, "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he’s getting senile."

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.

One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Jerry said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .."

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "Let’s get out of here."

Is it because I'm blonde?

A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting
today, and all the other kids could only count to
four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7,
8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from
school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were
saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids
could only say it to G, but I said it to N. See?
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L M, N!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from
school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were
in gym class today, and when we showered, all
the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
She lifted her tank top to reveal a fully developed
chest.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 19!"

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name

He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her. She named the baby girl "Love," inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name. She came home from school one day and screamed at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name. Carol took the blame to protect his wife and apologized. In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away.

Minutes later, Carol's wife game home and saw him lying on the ground. "What happened?" She asked, running to him.

He waved her closer, and whispered, "Shot through the heart, and you're to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name."

An old man, a schoolboy, a lawyer, a doctor, and a community service worker are all on a plane with only four parachutes when...

The pilot of the plane has a stroke and passes away. As the plane plummets its passengers to death the five members of the aircraft argue over who deserve to have the four bags containing the parachutes.

Social Worker: I deserve to live because I protect vulnerable children and support families in need of assistance.

The Social Worker grabs the nearest bag and plummets out of the aircraft.

Lawyer: I deserve to live because I advocate for my clients through my sharp wit and massive knowledge.

The lawyer grabs the second bag and plummets out of the aircraft.

Doctor: I deserve to live because i help diagnose ill people with my specialized training.

The doctor grabs the third bag and plummets out of the aircraft.

This leaves only the schoolboy and the old man in the plane with is descending toward the ground.

The Old Man: Go ahead boy. Take the last parachute. You have many years ahead of you while I am just an Old Man who is soon to die anyway.

Schoolboy: Thats ok Old Man we can both take a parachute. Look there are still two left

The Old Man’s eyes widen with surprise.

The Old Man: Wha...but how is this possible

Schoolboy: The lawyer with the sharp wit and expansive knowledge took my school backpack.

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"

An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?

​

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

​

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

​

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

The Gynecologist had become

fed up with his job and decided to change professions. One day after seeing an advertisment for an auto mechanic school on TV, he decided to sign up. The Dr studied very hard and gave it the same level of excelence as he did when practicing medicine.

The day of the final exam came. The Dr had to completely rebuild an engine, which he did in record time. When the grades were posted, he was surprised to see that he had achieved a score of 125%. Curious, he spoke to his teacher.

"I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth or anything but how can I have gotten a score above 100%?" he asked.

"Well" said the instructor, 'You took the engine apart perfectly, that accounts for 50% of the grade, you put it back together flawlessly, that accounts for 50% or the grade. The extra 25% is because never in my career have I seen that all done through a four inch exaust pipe!"

Osama Bin Laden's son comes home from school crying...

He asks him: "What's wrong son, what happened?"

"The teacher asked the class what the tallest building in New York is, and I got the answer wrong."

"Why, what did you answer?"

"The Empire State Building."

"Don't worry son, daddy will take care of it."

In order to stop accusations of racism, Trump decides to hire a Mexican immigrant

However, he doesn't feel confortable having him as an employee and calls him over in his office.

Juan: "Why you call me, jefe ?"

Trump: "You're fired!"


Juan: "Que ?! Why ?!!"


Trump: "Because....uh... Because you didn't finish high school!"

Juan: "Oh, no problemo, jefe! Yo go y finish high school and return to work!"


Juan finishes high school, comes back to work and Trump calls him again.


Juan: "Si, jefe ?"

Trump: "You're fired!"


Juan: "Que ?! Why ?! Yo finish high school !"


Trump: "Yeah, but.... um.... you didn't finish college!"


Juan: "No problemo! Yo finish college too Jefe!"


Juan finishes college too and comes back to work again only for Trump to call him again.


Juan: "What now, jefe ?"


Trump: "You're fired!"


Juan: "Que?! Why ?! Yo finish both high school y college! Why you fire me this time ?"


Trump: "Because.... uh....um. Ok, here's the truth! You're a Mexican immigrant and I don't like you working here!"


Juan: "No problemo! Yo become Americano and come back to work!"


So Juan gains American citizenship, learns perfect English, converts to Protestantism, embraces American culture, changes his name to John and comes back to work.

Only for Trump to call him again.


John: "Why do you wanna see me, boss ?"

Trump: "You're fired!"


John:"What! Why ? I finished high school, I finished college, I became an American! What more do you want from me ?!"


Trump: "Well, the last 3 times I fired you, my critics accused me of being a racist for always firing the only Mexican worker. So in order to prove them wrong, I decided to fire an American this time."

A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink .....

so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people."

The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school.

On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?"
John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"

A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.

The teacher says, "What's this?"

The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."

The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"

The kid says, "The cow ate it all."

"Ok, then where's the cow?"

"It left because there was no more grass."

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