As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you... “School” is my answer
My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again. Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.
Virginity in school
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the schools are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school? Oh, high marks.
As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there "isn't" something trying to kill you.... "School" is my answer.
TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute... On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...
A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference
Johnny ate his own lunch after school.
Johnny ate his own colon after school.
Why are Americans so dumb? Because they shoot the ones that go to school
The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence.
Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch
Jimmy went to school and ate his colon
I learned yesterday that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute... On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...
I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper...
I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly didn’t stand a chance.
Hey girl are you a school? Because I want to shoot kids inside you.
Hey girl, are you an obelisk?
Because I'm trying to find out what an obelisk is through process of elimination.
EDIT: Meant to do this before this post got too popular, but it exploded while I was at school. Credit goes to @ewfeez from twitter
I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair. Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’
Sir, your son was smoking marijuana at school during the class!
Says the teacher to a student's parent at a school gathering.
-- Did he say where he got it?
-- Yes! His best friend gave it to him.
The father, cleaning his tears:
-- Did he really say that?
White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do... We shoot each other in school because we have class
I received a call from the school telling me my son is constantly lying. I said "Tell him he's a good liar. I don't have a son."
Why are Americans so stupid? Because they shoot all the ones that go to school
In high school some kids told me they’d give me $20 to hang out with them. Turns out it was just clique bait.
It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right.... Alcohol IS a solution.
My son got kicked out of school for letting a girl in his class jerk him off... I said son that's 4 schools this year. Maybe teaching isn't for you
Americans do use the metric system... Because they use 9mms at school.
What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school? Mumbai!
What's the best part about summer in the U.S.? 3 months of no school shootings.
Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight. Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.
Why are Americans so stupid? Because it's only the ones who skip school who survive.
Soon, the only way to abort a kid in the US... ... will be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.
My grandpa said "your life revolves too much around technology.
Then I said, "no, yours does." Then I unplugged his life support.
EDIT: Came back from school to this! R.I.P Inbox!
My son just got kicked out of school for letting a girl jerk him off. I said son, that's the third school this year, maybe teaching isn't for you.
What's the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Afghanistan elementary school? I have no clue, I just fly the drone.
Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken. Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.
My wife saw her ex high school boyfriend, drunk in the street. She said he started drinking when she broke up with him after graduation decades ago. I said.... ....Impressive. .. I've never seen anyone celebrate that long before.
Why do Americans go fishing with guns? Because a group of fish is called a school.
Why did Shakespeare have a great time in secondary/high school? He didn't have to read Shakespeare.
The school year is like a burrito.
Once you're halfway through you want to give up because everything's just falling apart.
Edit: and you're proud of yourself if you can finish the whole thing without dying.
My school did a performance last year called "The Dictionary" Turns out it was just a play on words.
I'm upset. I'm two years into engineering school and... I haven't even started learning how to drive a train
What's the best thing about summer in the U.S.? No school shootings for two months!
Why do so many kids die in school shootings? They aren’t allowed to run in the hallways.
I never understood those school shooting jokes. They were probably aimed at a younger audience i guess.
In school, work determines your marks In Soviet Russia, Marx determines your work!
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Little Johnny raised hand. and replied, "Because people are sleeping."
American public school is a lot like Vietnam... You're forced to go and you might get shot
What's the difference between an ISIS compound full of terrorists and a grade school full of children? I don't know, I'm just the pilot
I don’t really understand school shooting jokes Guess they’re aimed at a younger audience
I remember in middle school there was a kid who tried to pay me to be his friend.. .. and I felt really bad for him because he just didn’t have enough money
Why are school shooting jokes so popular? Because they’re aimed at young people
Having a crush during school makes it 100x better... and makes the summer 100x worse.
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school keep flooding back to me. I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
Current Year Edge vs Old School Edge
Old School Edge: what's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm in it? The Holocaust.
Current Year Edge: what's worse than the Holocaust? Biting into an apple and finding a worm in it.
There was a kidnapping at my son’s school yesterday. Don’t worry, he woke up eventually.
I never got school shooting jokes Maybe they're just aimed at younger audiences.
What is yellow but can’t swim? A school bus full of children.
Bin Laden's kid comes sad from school
"Dad i got an F in Geography class"
"Why is that?"
"The teacher asked me what's the tallest building in New York and i said Empire State Building"
Bin Laden waits a moment and then replies
"Let dad handle this one."
How do you create a school shooting at a black school? Call the cops.
I never understand school shooting jokes.. I guess they are aimed for the younger audience.
There was a kidnapping in the local high school. Luckily a teacher woke him up.
Working hard and being hard at work are not the same thing. Working hard is a good way to get a raise or a promotion. Being hard at work is a good way to get fired from your job at the elementary school.
I don't get those school shooting jokes. They are probably aimed at a younger generation.
What’s the best part about summer in America? 3 months without a school shooting.
I never got school shooting jokes I guess they're aimed at a younger audience
Why can't you see an anti-vaxx kid going high school? Because they're dead.
Watching this weird High School Musical sequel on Netflix Zac Efron becomes a serial killer.
Why did the Mexican gangster fail school? Because he wouldn’t turn in his ese.
School is just like my credit card 0% interest for the first 9 months.
R Kelly decided to become a singer after a great performance in a high school talent show, but he later learned to play guitar for a different reason. He enjoys fingering minors.
I’d like to die peacefully in my sleep like my dad did. But not like the children in the school bus with him.
I got kicked out of medical school for inappropriate behaviour with the cadavers I wasn’t a student. They just asked me to leave the property
When I was a kid they put me in a special education class because I wouldn't stop dancing at school. They said I had Get Down Syndrome.
If a school shoter has heelies on is it concedered a Driveby
What's the best thing about summer in America? Three months without a school shooting.
To my high school teacher who said I’d never amount to anything... Please use your psychic gift to tell me next week’s winning lottery numbers. My mum will kick me out of her basement if I don’t pay the rent I owe!
Why were the group of fish afraid to play basketball? Because then there would be another school shooting.
Where is it inappropriate to have a Back to School sale? A gun store.
What is the best part about holidays in the USA? No school shootings
It's been a few weeks since the last school shooting. Oh, it's summer.
A Sunday school teacher ask the children, "why is it necessary to be quite in church?" The children replied, "because people are sleeping."
What's the difference between a school shooting and a royal wedding? A royal wedding doesn't happen every week.
Scientific research has proven that 90% of highschool students don't pay attention in class Other 10% don't come to school
Little boy calls to his teacher
and says "James won't be in school today, he is sick"
Teacher replies "Oh, I am sorry to hear that. By the way who am i talking to,?"
Boy answers calmly "With my Dad"
I told my daughter to give me my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school, and people nowadays use tablets, so she gave me her iPad. That fly didn't stand a chance
What's happening in this country? School children dressing like whores...
-and whores dressing like school children. It's a nightmare!
You don't know whether to carry candy or cash.
I failed algebra class when I was in school... I never knew Y.
I saw a kidnapping at school ...so I woke him up.
What is the ironic part of medical school? It's bad for your health.
What do you call a kid with Down Syndrome who's late to school? Retardy
When i went to ask mom for gym money
Me:Mom give me some money for the gym.
Mom:Will you become John Cena after going to gym?
Me:Am I becoming Einstein by going to school?
Why did the blonde wear a tanktop to school? Because the constitution says you have the right to bear arms.
Why was there no school in Soviet Russia? Because it was a classless society
I'm sick of emo kids walking school around with their shaved heads Oh wait, that's the chemo kids
Sherlock and Watson go to shoot up a school..
Watson: which part of the school shall we head to first sherlock?
Sherlock: Elementary my dear Watson.
[Please don't kill me for this]
What's the difference between an ISIS training camp and a Pakistani school I don't know man, I just fly the drone.
Dave worked at a circus school...
Normally, he teaches kids how to juggle or do cartwheels but it wasn't all that interesting.
One day, he decides to teach the kids something a bit more exciting so he brought in a cannon.
Long story short - he was fired.
What do you call a Med School student who graduates with all C's? A Doctor.
I failed medical school for the same reason I failed English class Improper: Colon placement
What's the difference between a terrorist training camp and an elementary school? Don't ask me, I just fly the drone.
I wanted to be a gynecologist, but I failed medical school in the last semester. I was so close I could taste it.
I hear my local school wants to introduce massage classes to help combat stress but there's been a lot of opposition from parents' groups. Apparently, it's a very touchy subject.
What's the difference between an art school student and a monkey? Monkeys can do math.