As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you... “School” is my answer
My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again. Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.
Virginity in school
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the schools are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school? Oh, high marks.
As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there "isn't" something trying to kill you.... "School" is my answer.
TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute... On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...
A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference
Johnny ate his own lunch after school.
Johnny ate his own colon after school.
Why are Americans so dumb? Because they shoot the ones that go to school
The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence.
Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch
Jimmy went to school and ate his colon
I learned yesterday that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute... On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...
I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper...
I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly didn’t stand a chance.
Hey girl are you a school? Because I want to shoot kids inside you.
Hey girl, are you an obelisk?
Because I'm trying to find out what an obelisk is through process of elimination.
EDIT: Meant to do this before this post got too popular, but it exploded while I was at school. Credit goes to @ewfeez from twitter
I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair. Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’
Sir, your son was smoking marijuana at school during the class!
Says the teacher to a student's parent at a school gathering.
-- Did he say where he got it?
-- Yes! His best friend gave it to him.
The father, cleaning his tears:
-- Did he really say that?
White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do... We shoot each other in school because we have class
I received a call from the school telling me my son is constantly lying. I said "Tell him he's a good liar. I don't have a son."
Why are Americans so stupid? Because they shoot all the ones that go to school
In high school some kids told me they’d give me $20 to hang out with them. Turns out it was just clique bait.
It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right.... Alcohol IS a solution.
My son got kicked out of school for letting a girl in his class jerk him off... I said son that's 4 schools this year. Maybe teaching isn't for you
Americans do use the metric system... Because they use 9mms at school.
What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school? Mumbai!
What's the best part about summer in the U.S.? 3 months of no school shootings.
Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight. Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.
Why are Americans so stupid? Because it's only the ones who skip school who survive.
Soon, the only way to abort a kid in the US... ... will be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.
My grandpa said "your life revolves too much around technology.
Then I said, "no, yours does." Then I unplugged his life support.
EDIT: Came back from school to this! R.I.P Inbox!
My son just got kicked out of school for letting a girl jerk him off. I said son, that's the third school this year, maybe teaching isn't for you.
"Mommy, why does everyone at school pick on me?" "I have no idea, Someoneyourownsize"
My son was kicked out of school for letting a girl in his class jerk him off. I said, "Son, that's the third school this year..." "Maybe teaching isn't for you."
When I was a kid adults would use swear words then apologise by saying 'Excuse my French'. I still remember my first day at school when the teacher asked "Does anyone know any French?"
A young black Jew asks his father, "Dad, am I more black or more Jew?"...
"Why do you ask?" asks the Dad.
The boy says, "Well, a guy at school has a bike for sale for $150 and I can't decide if I want to haggle him down to $100, or just steal it."
My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will bully him because of his name... I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"
What's the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Afghanistan elementary school? I have no clue, I just fly the drone.
Mom, someone called me gangster at school today.
Mom: Dont worry I'll go tomorrow and solve this problem
Son: Make sure it looks like an accident.
Every year, hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime school... ...never to be heard from again.
I was gutted today when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine... She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school...
Fifteen years ago I asked my high school crush out on a date, yesterday I asked her to marry me... ... She said no both times.
I don’t get school shooting jokes They must be aimed at a younger audience
There’s a reason why students are forbidden to play Fortnite during school It would be really hard to tell where all the gunshots are coming from
Mother receives a telephone call from school telling her they are sending home her son for peeing in the swimming pool.
"But everyone does that," she says.
"Not from the top diving board, they don't."
What's the best thing about summer in the U.S.? No school shootings for two months!
What's the difference between a school shooting and a royal wedding? A royal wedding doesn't happen every week.
I asked my daughter if she had seen newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance.
What's the difference between a Pakistani grade school and an Al-Qaeda training base? How am I supposed to know, I just pilot the drone
Why do so many kids die in school shootings? They aren’t allowed to run in the hallways.
I saw a kidnapping at school ...so I woke him up.
When I was in school, my math teacher called me average. It was mean.
I was outside school last week. One of the other parents came over and asked me what year my daughter was in. I said "2017"
Didn't teach this in med school
What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
They say the average high school prom goer now spends $1000 on prom Or $2000 if you count the abortion.
Are you a school? Cause I wanna shoot kids inside you
My high school guidance counselor told me I'll always be useless So I became a guidance counselor.
I didn't go to college, I went to the 'School of Hard Knocks'. Because I wanted to get a job as a door-to-door hearing aid salesman.
Why did the kid drown in school? He got below C level grades.
Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?"
Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"
Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"
Patrick: "What school?"
In high school I was in a theatrical production about puns. It was a play on words.
A group of fish is a school. A group of birds is a flock. A group of wolves is a pack. What do you call a group of Trump supporters? A klan
Whats the difference between an ISIS stronghold and a syrian school? I dont know, i just fly the drone.
Why don't farmers go to school? Because they're outstanding in their fields.
LPT: When calling out of work or school, don't fake congestion, etc... instead try using your best Indian accent. There's a much higher chance they'll believe you're Sikh.
My school did a performance last year called "The Dictionary" Turns out it was just a play on words.
Every year hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime school… …never to be heard from again…
So Trump is working with Putin on cybersecurity... In other news, the principal at my school is working with the boys to install a surveillance system to insure privacy in the girls' locker room.
A girl gets home from school and is greetrd by her mother
Mom: "What'd you do in school today?"
Daughter: "We learned all about the male reproductive organs"
Mom: "Oh, and what else?"
Daughter: "Well then we watched as the police came and took Mr. Brown away"
I was thrown out of school because my boyfriend filled out my application. They said I didn't apply myself
To this day, the guy who took my lunch money during school still takes my money. On the bright side, he makes really good subway sandwiches.
Where did Sally go during the school bombing? Everywhere.
What happens if you skip school in Middle-Earth? You shall not pass!
What is the difference between a Pakistani School and a ISIS Trainingscamp? I have no idea I'm only flying the drone.
First Day At School
The child comes home from his first day at school.
His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
How do you get an art school graduate off your porch? Pay for the pizza.
What book does every Mexican student read in school? Tequila Mockingbird.
Son: Dad there's a small get together at school tomorrow !!!
Father: small get together.? ..how small
Son: only me...you...and principal
Today I learnt a school of piranhas will rip
every inch of flesh of a child's body in under a minute.
Today I also lost my job at the aquarium.
Black people shoot each other in the streets White people shoot each other in school, because we got class
How Long is a Chinese man We went to school together
Shoutout to my teachers from high school who said I would work at McDonalds I have my first shift on Monday.
What is a Mexicans favorite high school sport? Cross country
Tank tops shouldn't be against school dress codes After all, we have a right to bare arms.
Why did Shakespeare have a great time in secondary/high school? He didn't have to read Shakespeare.
A teacher writes on the whiteboard: HNO3 and asks a student:
\- What substance is that?
\- Hmmm... wait a moment... It's on the tip of my tongue!
\- Spit it out at once!!! That's nitric acid!
What's the difference between a Pakistani school and military base? Don't ask me man, I just fly the drone.
Why doesn't communism work in a school enviroment? Because everyone would get the same Marx.
There was a kidnapping at my school He woke up.
A Little Black Jewish Boy says to his father, "daddy, am I more black or more Jewish?"
Why do you ask? Says the dad.
The boy says, "well a guy at school has a bike for sale for $150 and I can't decide if I should haggle him down to $75 or just steal it"
A teacher receives a phone call shortly before the school day starts
Caller: Mr. Brown, my son James will not come to school today because he is sick.
Teacher: Who am I speaking to please?
Caller: I am my father.
The school counsellor told me that alcohol was never a solution. I said that my chemistry teacher would disagree.
What grades did Fidel Castro get at school? Full Marx
Dad : Did you hear about the kidnapping at school ?
Son : No, what happened ?
Dad : It is ok he woke up.
What's the difference between a group of Pakastani School Girls and a group of ISIS soldiers.. Don't ask me I just fly the drone.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the school? He woke up.
My wife saw her ex high school boyfriend, drunk in the street. She said he started drinking when she broke up with him after graduation decades ago. I said.... ....Impressive. .. I've never seen anyone celebrate that long before.
(In a high school class room)
Girl: Do you see that F@#$ING nerd over there.
Teacher: Don't be so mean, he could be your boss one day.
Nerd: Sorry I don't plan on being a pimp
I woke up this morning and realised I didn't have to go to school today. I was so happy... then I remembered I'm an unemployed 43-year-old.
The school year is like a burrito.
Once you're halfway through you want to give up because everything's just falling apart.
Edit: and you're proud of yourself if you can finish the whole thing without dying.
I wanted to be a gynecologist, but I failed medical school in the last semester. I was so close I could taste it.
What's the difference between a school teacher and a train? A school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, a train says choo choo.