As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you... “School” is my answer
My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again. Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.
Virginity in school
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the schools are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school? Oh, high marks.
As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there "isn't" something trying to kill you.... "School" is my answer.
TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute... On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...
A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference
Johnny ate his own lunch after school.
Johnny ate his own colon after school.
Why are Americans so dumb? Because they shoot the ones that go to school
The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence.
Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch
Jimmy went to school and ate his colon
I learned yesterday that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute... On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...
I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper...
I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly didn’t stand a chance.
Hey girl are you a school? Because I want to shoot kids inside you.
Hey girl, are you an obelisk?
Because I'm trying to find out what an obelisk is through process of elimination.
EDIT: Meant to do this before this post got too popular, but it exploded while I was at school. Credit goes to @ewfeez from twitter
I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair. Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’
Sir, your son was smoking marijuana at school during the class!
Says the teacher to a student's parent at a school gathering.
-- Did he say where he got it?
-- Yes! His best friend gave it to him.
The father, cleaning his tears:
-- Did he really say that?
White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do... We shoot each other in school because we have class
I received a call from the school telling me my son is constantly lying. I said "Tell him he's a good liar. I don't have a son."
Why are Americans so stupid? Because they shoot all the ones that go to school
In high school some kids told me they’d give me $20 to hang out with them. Turns out it was just clique bait.
It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right.... Alcohol IS a solution.
My son got kicked out of school for letting a girl in his class jerk him off... I said son that's 4 schools this year. Maybe teaching isn't for you
Americans do use the metric system... Because they use 9mms at school.
What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school? Mumbai!
What's the best part about summer in the U.S.? 3 months of no school shootings.
Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight. Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.
Why are Americans so stupid? Because it's only the ones who skip school who survive.
Soon, the only way to abort a kid in the US... ... will be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.
My grandpa said "your life revolves too much around technology.
Then I said, "no, yours does." Then I unplugged his life support.
EDIT: Came back from school to this! R.I.P Inbox!
My son just got kicked out of school for letting a girl jerk him off. I said son, that's the third school this year, maybe teaching isn't for you.
Whats the difference between an al qaeda training camp and a school? I dont know, I just fly the drones.
My wife saw her ex high school boyfriend, drunk in the street. She said he started drinking when she broke up with him after graduation decades ago. I said.... ....Impressive. .. I've never seen anyone celebrate that long before.
A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference
Sam ate his own lunch after school.
Sam ate his own colon after school.
Why did Shakespeare have a great time in secondary/high school? He didn't have to read Shakespeare.
The school year is like a burrito.
Once you're halfway through you want to give up because everything's just falling apart.
Edit: and you're proud of yourself if you can finish the whole thing without dying.
My high school guidance counselor told me I'll always be useless So I became a guidance counselor.
I'm upset. I'm two years into engineering school and... I haven't even started learning how to drive a train
What book does every Mexican student read in school? Tequila Mockingbird.
A group of fish is a school. A group of birds is a flock. A group of wolves is a pack. What do you call a group of Trump supporters? A klan
There’s a reason why students are forbidden to play Fortnite during school It would be really hard to tell where all the gunshots are coming from
In school, work determines your marks In Soviet Russia, Marx determines your work!
American public school is a lot like Vietnam... You're forced to go and you might get shot
What's the difference between an ISIS compound full of terrorists and a grade school full of children? I don't know, I'm just the pilot
I don’t really understand school shooting jokes Guess they’re aimed at a younger audience
I’m so proud of my grandma. At 90 years old she attended medical school She’s a cadaver.
The kid who used to bully me in school still takes my money.. On the plus side, he makes a pretty decent Subway sandwich.
Why are school shooting jokes so popular? Because they’re aimed at young people
What did the acceptance letter to pee school say? Urine!
I never understood school shooter jokes I guess they are aimed at a younger audience
Mother receives a telephone call from school telling her they are sending home her son for peeing in the swimming pool.
"But everyone does that," she says.
"Not from the top diving board, they don't."
I don't understand school shooting jokes. I think they are aimed at a younger audience.
I never understood school shooter jokes Maybe they’re aimed at a younger audience
Son to mother: “mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin.” Mother: “well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop”
I never understand school shooting jokes.. I guess they are aimed for the younger audience.
There was a kidnapping in the local high school. Luckily a teacher woke him up.
Why did Adolf Hitler fail Art School? He hated mixing colour.
Working hard and being hard at work are not the same thing. Working hard is a good way to get a raise or a promotion. Being hard at work is a good way to get fired from your job at the elementary school.
What’s the best part about summer in America? 3 months without a school shooting.
I never got school shooting jokes I guess they're aimed at a younger audience
School is just like my credit card 0% interest for the first 9 months.
“You should be ashamed,” a father tells his young son. “When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school.”
“Really?” the son responds.
“Well, when he was your age, he was president.”
R Kelly decided to become a singer after a great performance in a high school talent show, but he later learned to play guitar for a different reason. He enjoys fingering minors.
I’d like to die peacefully in my sleep like my dad did. But not like the children in the school bus with him.
Last week there was a kidnapping at my school. We all woke him up
The use of a colon can really change the meaning of a sentence. Example: Jimmy went to school and ate his own lunch; Jimmy went to school and ate his own colon.
If a school shoter has heelies on is it concedered a Driveby
What's the best thing about summer in America? Three months without a school shooting.
To my high school teacher who said I’d never amount to anything... Please use your psychic gift to tell me next week’s winning lottery numbers. My mum will kick me out of her basement if I don’t pay the rent I owe!
What is the best part about holidays in the USA? No school shootings
It's been a few weeks since the last school shooting. Oh, it's summer.
What do you call a handicap sticker in Oklahoma? A high school diploma.
A report has concluded that paedophiles should be re-educated. What a great idea, let's send paedophiles back to school.
Back when Stormy Daniels was in high school, none of her fellow classmen realized she would go down in history. Guys were usually getting it in the gym locker room or behind the teacher's parking lot.
I told my daughter to give me my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school, and people nowadays use tablets, so she gave me her iPad. That fly didn't stand a chance
What's happening in this country? School children dressing like whores...
-and whores dressing like school children. It's a nightmare!
You don't know whether to carry candy or cash.
My school did a theatre show about puns It was a play on words
What do Mexican kids read in middle school? Tequila Mockingbird.
Why do so many kids die in school shootings? They aren’t allowed to run in the hallways.
In high school I was in a theatrical production about puns. It was a play on words.
Students are excited to attend the geology class at the local school. They say it totally rocks.
My school did a performance called League of Legends. It was a play on wards.
Why did the blonde wear a tanktop to school? Because the constitution says you have the right to bear arms.
I'm sick of emo kids walking school around with their shaved heads Oh wait, that's the chemo kids
What is yellow, has 38 eyes, and can't swim? A School Bus.
What's the difference between an ISIS training camp and a Pakistani school I don't know man, I just fly the drone.
When I was in high school, I was part of the French club. We didn't really do anything, but every once in a while, we'd surrender to the German club.
Why was the bodybuilder arrested at the elementary school? Because it was a gun-free zone
So... There was a kidnapping at my school... But don't worry-- he woke up.
I failed medical school for the same reason I failed English class Improper: Colon placement
What do you call it when someone shoots a group of fish in a barrel? A school shooting
And that's why I never argue with my wife.
Wife : Don't forget to pick up kids from school.
Me : It's Saturday, they're both upstairs.
Wife : It's Wednesday and we've three kids.
What's annoying about going 90 in a school zone? The screaming speed bumps
What's the difference between a terrorist training camp and an elementary school? Don't ask me, I just fly the drone.
The school year is like a burrito... After 3 quarters you're full but you have to keep going even though it's all falling apart.
My 3 year old told me a joke on our way home from pre-school.
From her car seat yells up to me, "Knock knock, Daddy!"
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel!!
I wanted to be a gynecologist, but I failed medical school in the last semester. I was so close I could taste it.
In the old Russia, bevore USSR a small child comes home from the last day of school and holding his grade sheet yells to his revolutionary father "Father! You know how you always say how bad our schooling system is? Now I have proof of it!"
A father asked his son how baking school was going "I knead some dough."
They say dad's a transvestite.
-Mommy, mommy! The kids in school say that dad's a transvestite!
-Son, your mom's in the kitchen.
What's the difference between an art school student and a monkey? Monkeys can do math.