Mormon Jokes

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Funniest Mormon Jokes

How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all of your alcohol? Invite two of them.

How do you stop a Mormon from drinking all the beer at your party? Invite a second Mormon.

Funny Mormon Jokes

How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all your booze? Invite two of them!!

Why do Mormon women stop having babies at 35? Because 36 is just too many.

How do you keep a mormon from drinking all your beer? Invite 2 mormons

Why do Mormon women stop having kids at 35? 36 would be just too many.

Joseph Smith sold so many copies of the Book of Mormon That they made him a prophet.

What's the difference between a Mormon man and a Muslim man. A Mormon man gets 72 virgins and THEN kills himself.

Why did the Mormon cross the road? To get to the other bride.

What do you call a Mormon climber? A Ladder Day Saint.

How do you keep a Mormon from drinking all your beer on a camping trip? Take two of them with you.

Why did the prostitute join the Mormon church? She wanted a high paying missionary position.

How do you get a Mormon to not drink all of your beer on a fishing trip? Bring two Mormons.

What's the most confusing day in a Mormon home? Mother's Day.

How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all your booze? You invite two of them.

Have you heard about the Mormon drag queen? She is Polly Glamorous

what is a mormon missionary’s favorite type of car? a convertible

Why do Mormon women stop having kids at 38? Because 39 is just too many.

What do you get when you cross a Mormon with an atheist? Someone who knocks on doors for no apparent reason.

First I dated a seventh day adventist and then a mormon I told my mom that im not just in it for the sects but she doesn't believe me.

A Mormon president would face the most difficult issue any president has. Deciding who's the First Lady, who's the Second Lady, and who's the Third Lady.

What do you call a Mormon gynecologist? A Box Elder.

Fun Fact: Jared Fogle was a Mormon I heard he graduated top of his class at Bring Em Young University

Where can you find a mormon horse? Salt Lick City.

What has more minivans than a dealership? A Mormon church parking lot....

How do you keep a Mormon from drinking all of your beer? Invite another Mormon over

I got really excited when girlfriend asked me to do some edging around her flower garden Unfortunately her Mormon summer camp experiences were different than mine.

Why did the Mormon elder get in trouble for dating twenty nine year olds? I mean, there was twenty of them....

How do you keep a Mormon from drinking all of your beer? Bring two of them.

So Obama calls Romney.... And says, I got good news and bad news. Romney says "What is it?" Obama says "Well the good news is I think it's time for a Mormon president." "That's great Barack! What's the bad news?" Obama chuckles and says "My baptism is next Sunday"

How can you tell it's a Mormon wedding? The bride isn't pregnant but her mom is.

What do you call a Mormon who switches religion? A mormoff!

What do you call a Mormon from Florida? A Fort Lauderdale saint.

What's the difference between a Catholic wedding and a Mormon wedding? At a Catholic wedding, the bride is pregnant. At a Mormon wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant.

Why can't you take a Mormon speed dating? He'll start pushing all the tables together.

An office hired a Mormon and a Jehovah’s Witness. Soon after, there was an open door policy.

What did the Frat boy say when the Mormon handed him a piece of paper? Bro sure.

The Mormon Prophet has banned Tomb Raider games... ...apparently they have fake Native American history in them that doesn't revolve around Native Americans being a lost tribe of Israel.

Where do Mormon deer call home? Salt Lick City

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New Mormon Jokes

Did you hear about the Mormon cat with a speech impediment? He had nine wives.

I have a lot of Mormon friends Well I know 1 and all his wives

Singers of the Mormon Tabernacle are home. They're under *choir*antine.

Did you hear about the new movement in the Mormon church? #MeThree

A mormon went to see “The Book of Mormon”, he thought the book was better.

What’s the difference between a Pulitzer Prize winning author and a carpenter from Salt Lake City? One is Norman Mailer and the other is a Mormon Nailer.

Woman opens the door to find a pair of Mormon missionaries on the porch... Missionaries: Have you heard of the Prophet Joseph Smith?

Woman: Yes, that's why I'm not Mormon anymore.

What is one restaurant you will never see a Mormon in? In-N-Out.

Someone threw a Holy Book of Mormon at me and it missed. That joke went over my head

(Mormons reading this, I'm making fun of the book, not of you. Please don't be offended. It's ok. You can laugh.)

Mormon comedians The Jews have a rich history of Jewish stand up comedians, Mel Brooks, Woody Allen, Sarah Silverman, Don Rickles, Henny Youngman. Can you imagine if Henny Youngman was mormon?

Take my wives, please

What's the difference between a Mormon missionary and a Soviet Lada? You can close the door on a missionary.

I couldn't be a Mormon even if I wanted to. My parents weren't related at all.

What do you call it when the church of Latter Day Saints invades an area? The Mormon conquest.

A Mormon brags to his friends about spending $5,000 on each of his two wives for Christmas... "Wasn't that big of me?"

If you call someone from Alaska an Alaskan, someone from Texas a Texan, and Iowa an Iowan; what do you call someone from Utah? A Mormon

Which woman is the Holy symbol of the mormon church? Mother Mary me

Benefits of coffee A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

What do you call a Mormon action hero? Jean-Claude Van Darn

I am a Arkansan, homeschooled, Mormon what is your best joke? Seriously I want to know.

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Long Mormon Jokes

A mormon was having an affair with a 15 year old girl who had lied about her age, when he learned the truth he broke it off and over the next few week guilt set in and he confessed to his wife. She screamed at him,

"How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?".

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

A Mormon was seated next to a Irishman on a plane..

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
 

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.


The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
 

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

How bad is it you ask?

So bad,

THAT....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!

A Mormon and Irishman are on a plane

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

A Mormon and an Irishman were on a plane

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

A Jew, a Catholic, and a Mormon are drinking together.

The Jew boasts about his fertility

"I have 4 sons; one more and I'll have a basketball team!"

"That's nothing," says the Catholic, "I have 10 sons! I almost have a football team!"

The Jew and Catholic looked expectantly at the Mormon. "Well?"

"I have 17 wives. I almost have a golf course!"

The Mormon and the Irishman

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had that choice."

Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.


The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
 

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

A Mormon and an Irishman were seated next to each other on a plane

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.


The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."


The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

An Irishman and a Mormon are on a plane.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.


The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores".


The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too! I didn't know we had a choice."

a Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane...

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.


The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."


The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Remembering Brothers

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of brew and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it so it would taste better if you bought just one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we were together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs! All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.......

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Mormon Church and obviously I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting...

The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."

To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

A Jew, a Catholic, and a Mormon all walk into a bar...

The Jewish man boasts, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team." The Catholic man says, "That's nothing! I have ten sons. One more and I'll have a soccer team!" The Mormon stands up and proclaims, "Big deal! I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"

A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

A Mormon and an Irishman

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped
by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

The Mormon and the Irishman

A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.
They were sitting next to each other on a flight from London to the US.


After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.


The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!."


The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

How bad is it you ask?

So bad

THAT...

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!

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