Baseball Jokes

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Funniest Baseball Jokes

I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland

Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken. Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.

Funny Baseball Jokes

Apparently Michael Jackson was also a gifted baseball player. He was big in the minors.

What was the score of the Ethiopian baseball game? Eight-nothing

My wife told me she wanted to see a huge diamond for her birthday So I took her to a baseball game

A rough, hard drinking baseball umpire was upset because he couldn't get his little boy to sit on his lap and talk to him.

After all, the son never sits on the brutish umpire.

Three old women sneak some Jack Daniels into a baseball game, taking shots after each half inning. What inning is it now? It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded.

Why don't baseball players get much action? Because they have foul balls.

Ever wondered why China doesn't have a baseball team? Because they ate all their bats.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger... And then it hit me.

I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

China really got the best baseball team. Them people took out half of the world with one bat.

Why was the baseball team hot? It didn't have any fans!

What did the mathematician do at the baseball game? √4 the home team

A small boy got lost at a baseball game... He went up to a police officer and said: "I've lost my dad."
"What's he like?" asked the police officer sympathetically.
The boy replied, "Beer and women."

Did you know that, during the first game of the 1936 baseball season, the Boston Braves managed to win while also badly injuring six players on the opposing team? They were truly ruthless.

3 old ladies go to a baseball game with a bottle of liquor. They finish the bottle...what inning is it and what are the circumstances on the field? Bottom of the fifth and all the bags are loaded.

Why should China have a baseball team? Because they can take out the whole world with just one bat!

You'd be surprised how easy it is to pick up girls All it takes is a respectful attitude, a low key vibe, a breezy sense of humour, a nice beard, duct tape, and a baseball bat.

What's an alcoholic's least favorite part of a baseball game? The bottom of the fifth.

AND NOW: For the funniest pun ever stolen from another website... I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A baseball walks into Wimbledon. The announcer yells "Hey, we don't serve your kind"

Why hasn’t baseball returned from covid shutdown? They are unable to test all the bats

I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

Why did the horny duck go to the baseball game? She was trying to catch some fowl balls.

I like my women like I like my non sequiturs... Baseball is fun.

What’s brown and very bad for your dental health? A baseball bat.

Took my girlfriend to a baseball game this last season We made a deal in the beginning.

I kiss her on every strike and she kisses me on the balls.

Some kid was being annoying so I hit him on the face with a baseball bat. He started crying and I didn't even bat an eye.

China should have a baseball team. They can take out the whole world with one bat.

My rock band got a gig at the baseball game. I played first bass.

Why did Cinderella get fired from the baseball team? She kept running away from the ball.

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger and then it hit me.

Why do baseball players shout? BECAUSE THEY ARE IN ALL CAPS!!

At the baseball game, I was wondering why the ball was looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.

I couldn't figure out why the baseball was getting bigger... then it hit me!

One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game. Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I've got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here."

"Yes", laughed the devil, "but I have all the umpires!”

Why couldn’t T-Rex get to second base? Baseball wasn’t invented back then.

What's Donald Trump's favourite baseball team? The Dodgers.

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New Baseball Jokes

When Dr. Who was in college He was the first baseman on the baseball team.

What do baseball scouts look for when they go to a Mexican restaurant? Fajitas

What do cakes and baseball teams have in common? They both need a good batter.

China would have an amazing baseball team. They took out half the world with just one bat

I was at a baseball game wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

What was Ghandi’s favorite part of a baseball game? The seventh inning stretch.

Have you heard of the baseball player whose full name was babe? He was ruthless

I was at a baseball game and I saw something unfamiliar in the sky. It kept getting bigger, and bigger.... Then it hit me

Why should china have a baseball team? They could take the whole world out with a single bat

Owing to the TP shortage, I've been using a picher and water to clean my butt... .... baseball players will do anything for money now that the season is postponed.

I miss baseball so much... I miss baseball so much that I've been substituting things I see out of my front window.
Today there's two old ladies drinking on the corner:
It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded...

What award was given to the worst baseball player on the team? The Out-Standing in their Field Award

The top player just got the run-around

What is a baseball batter’s favorite cake? A Bundt cake

Why isn't Baseball a great sport in China? \-they keep on eating the bats

Did you hear all the Major League Baseball teams shut down? Apparently you can get COVID-19 from bats.

China should be a baseball team They can take out the world with one bat

Due to COVID concerns, short-lived games of Major League Baseball spring training were cancelled... right off the bat.

Told my daughter basketball season was postponed because of the virus... She said "they should ban baseball instead". Asked her why and she goes "wasn't this all caused by bats?"

Have you heard about the disease named after a baseball skill? It's catching.

Did you know baseball was played in the Old Testament? In the big inning, Adam took one, Eve took one, and the Lord threw them both out.

I once brought a rusty nail to a baseball tournament. They turned me down for using a tetanus racket.

What do a baseball bat and a box of chocolates have in common? They can both kill a dog.

Trump's favorite baseball team is the Yankees Except during the draft, then it's the Dodgers.

Balls of Age People who play basketball are 20. People who play baseball are 30. People who play golf are 60. Notice how when u grow older, your balls get smaller?

How do baseball players stay cool? They sit next to their fans.

Imagine being so hated that on the day you announce that the leader of ISIS has been killed on your orders, a stadium full of baseball fans still boos you.

I was wondering why the baseball was getting closer and closer to me And then it hit me

Why was Chewbacca so happy after his son's first baseball season? He got Wookie of the year.

What do you call a fixer-upper with a baseball hat? Handy-capped.

I was wondering why the baseball kept on getting bigger... Then it hit me

2 men exploring find a bat in a cave... Decide to go back and play baseball

I was wondering why the baseball kept growing bigger and bigger... And then it hit me.

What do Kevin Hart and a baseball team have in common? One short stop.

...a little too soon?

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger... I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

Why did O.j Simpson fail as a baseball catcher Because none of the teams gloves could fit

What did the baseball glove say to the baseball? Nothing, baseball gloves can't talk.

Why is baseball not a proper sport? Because it's not invariant under base change.

Do you know how big the galaxy is? It’s sooo big you can fit every single baseball stadium inside of it AND their parking lots.

Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? They both depend on the batter

I was at a baseball game yesterday, front row seats. Suddenly the ball started getting bigger, and I wondered why. Then it hit me.

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Long Baseball Jokes

A wife comes home late one night

She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What happened?" asked his family.

"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,

Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.

Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'Nah I don't think it'll be funny if I'll have to explain it five times'.

An old, blind cowboy wanders into a bar....

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a, very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler

"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Blonde Joke

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............'

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof

So he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he"ll be there in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog.

"What are you going to do?", the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van.", says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun.

"What's the shotgun for?", asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."

Two old men had been best friends for years...

...and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."
The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies. A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven." "What's the bad news?" "The bad news is that you're pitching on Wednesday."

I'm bored so here's an original joke.

A man walks by a baseball hat store and turns to look at it. The shop was aptly named "BOB'S BASEBALL HATS."

Wanting to browse, the man decides to enter. The first thing he notices is the very loud music, with the singer seemingly yelling each word. After browsing for some time, a sales representative comes up to him and shouts "HELLO! NEED ANY HELP FINDING WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR!?"

The man is bewildered, and asks "Why are you shouting at me?"

The rep then shouts back "SPEAK LOUDER PLEASE!"

"Why are you shouting at me?!" The man asks, louder this time.

The rep is still not satisfied. "YOU NEED TO SPEAK MUCH LOUDER, SIR!"

Finally, the man shouts back at the same volume as the rep. "WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING AT ME!?"

Now, the sales rep gives him a straight answer. "SIR, THIS STORE ONLY SELLS BASEBALL HATS!"

"WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?!" The man screams.

Everything became clear to the man when the sales rep screamed back. "THIS STORE IS ALL CAPS!"

A man walks into a bar with his dog.

A man walks into a bar with his dog.

"This is a talking dog. If this dog can answer my questions, who will buy me a drink?" he asks.

"You can have one on the house," the bartender says.

The man turns to his dog. "What goes on the top of a house?"

Dog: Roof.

Man: "What does tree bark feel like?"

Dog: Rough.

Man: "Who is the greatest baseball player ever?"

Dog: Ruth.

The bartender is clearly annoyed and snaps at the man. "That's enough. You and your dog, get out."

After the man and the dog are thrown out, the dog looks sadly at his owner. "Should I have said DiMaggio?"

Blonds and Blind Cowboys

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,

Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head

and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times

A housewife takes a lover during.....

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "£250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "I'll tell."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "£750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two
things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth
and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

An old blind man walks into an all-girl biker bar by mistake

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls silent. In a deep husky voice the woman next to him says, "before you tell that joke, i think it's only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No...not if i'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A housewife takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.

Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "£250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "I'll tell."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "£750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

A man walks into a bar with a dog...

A man walks into a bar with a dog, and says he'll bets $50 his dog can talk. The bartender, thinking that's ridiculous, takes up his offer. The man asks the dog
"What do you find on top of a house?"
"Roof!" the dog replies.
"Hey, that's not fair, ask it a real question!" says the bartender. The man asks again
"What do you find on a tree?"
"Bark!" answers the dog again.
"Are you kidding me? Ask it something a human could answer or I'm kicking you out." The man asks the dog
'Who's the best baseball player?" The dog replies
"Ruth!" and the bartender angrily kicks them out. Outside, the dog looks at it's owner, and says "DiMaggio?"

(Sorry it's kinda lame, but it's one of my favorite)
edit: Thanks for getting me on the front page! I posted it for my cakeday, didn't get the icon until now! Didn't expect it to get so many upvotes!

The Boy, The Man, and The Closet

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet,
not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice"

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My Dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250"


In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,

"How much?"

Boy: "$ 750"

Man: "Sold."

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy: "$1,000"

The Dad says, "That's terrible to over charge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to
church, to confession."

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the
confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that again; you're in my closet now."

A wife comes home late one night and quietly open the door to her bedroom

From under the blanket she sees 4 legs instead of 2. She gets pissed, and grabs a baseball bat, and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she is done, she goes to to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"hi darling" he says,

"your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say Hi to them?"

Edit: Spelling

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things.
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

Rabbi in a Taxi

There's a rabbi in a taxi, going through the city for a meeting. Everything is fine, the driver is nice and all. Suddenly, as they're waiting for the green light, a gang of big black guys shows up, armed with baseball bats and stuff. They start hitting the car, break the lights, get the driver out and kick him.
The rabbi is really scared and screams: "Please stop, please... stop it!"

Then another gang shows up, Mexicans this time, even bigger than the black dudes. They fight the black guys, destroy them, then turn to the taxi and the driver, and wreck both of them. The driver is nearly dead, blood everywhere. The cab is smoking, windows broken...
And the rabbi is still really, really scared. He continues screaming: "Please stop, please... stop it!"

Then the police shows up, shoot the Mexicans, handcuff the survivors, call an ambulance for the driver and try to patch him up. The rabbi is still in the car, and seems more and more scared.
He's still screaming: "Please stop, please... stop it!"

A policeman helps him out, and sees the terror on his face. "Calm down, we saved you, everything is alright," he says.
"Please stop, please... stop it!" continues the rabbi.
The policeman tries to reassure him. "It's gonna be alright, you're safe!"
"Please stop, please... stop it!"
The policeman gets a bit angry "Look, you're safe, you need to calm down!"
The rabbi then looks at the taxi, his eyes filled with terror. "Please stop, please... stop the meter!"

A guy and his dog went into a bar and made a bet with the bartender...

A guy and his dog went into a bar and made a bet with the bartender. The guy said his dog could talk and he bet the bartender 1 free drink for him if the dog could answer a question. The bartender says okay because there's know way a dog could talk. The guy asks the dog, "What grows on trees?" "Bark" says the dog. The bartender refuses to give him a drink and makes him ask another question. "What's on top of a house?" asks the man. "Roof" says the dog. Once again, the bartender refuses and makes him ask another question. "What's the best baseball player of all time?" "Ruth" The bartender makes them leave. On the way home the dog asks, "Do you think I should have said Rodriguez?"

A blind old cowboy walks into a bar...

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
“Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times....'

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