Hilarious Michael Jackson Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Michael Jackson Jokes

I sexually identify as Michael Jackson My personal pronouns are he/hee

Michael Jackson should have opened a clothing line for pants. He could have called it Billie Jeans.

Those prices are THRILLER!
No one can BEAT IT!

Kids pants would be half off there.

When is bedtime at Michael Jackson's house? When the big hand touches the little hand.

My gender identity is Michael Jackson My preferred pronouns are he/he

When is it bedtime at Michael Jackson's house? When the big hand touches the little hand.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Disney Movies ? Disney Movies still touch kids

Why can't Michael Jackson play chess? Because he is dead.

What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common? They both come on little white crackers.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic grocery bag? One is made of plastic and dangerous for children to play with...

And the other carries groceries.

Why can't Michael Jackson play chess? Because he's dead.

What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died? Well, he had so many plastic surgeries that they melted him down into LEGOs... Now kids play with him for a change.

Why did Michael Jackson like twenty nine year olds? There's 20 of them

"Daddy, is God a man or a woman?" "Son, some people see God as a man, while others see God as a woman."

"Daddy, is God black or white?"

"Son, some people see God as black, while others see God as white."

"Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?"

Apparently Michael Jackson was also a gifted baseball player. He was big in the minors.

What's the difference between Harambe and Michael Jackson? Harambe got punished for touching little kids.

What do Michael Jackson and an oyster have in common? Both come on little white crackers.

Why doesn't Michael Jackson play chess? Because he's dead.

I sexually identify as Michael Jackson. My pronouns are he/he

What do Michael Jackson and Santa have in common? They both leave little boys rooms with lighter sacks.

Since we're doing jokes we made up as kids, here's mine: What did the World Chess Champion ask Michael Jackson? Do you want to be black, or white?

I identify as Michael Jackson... My pronouns are he/hee.

I'm going to compete in a marathon dressed as Michael Jackson. I'm not sure which race yet.

Michael Jackson is the epitome of the American Dream Only in America could a poor, black boy become a rich, white woman

I only have one Michael Jackson album it's Bad

You're walking alone on a street when a person slaps you with a silk glove and runs away. As you watch them run, 2 cops are chasing them. Michael Jackson was right... You've been hit by, you've been stuck by, a smooth criminal.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper? One is white and scares young children and the other is a ghost.

What does Santa Claus and Michael Jackson have in common? They both leave little boys rooms with lighter sacks.

What would Michael Jackson be doing if he were alive right now? Probably clawing at the inside of his coffin.

Why the turnout at Michael Jackson's funeral? He touched a lot of people.

Don't know what touched me more as a child... Michael Jackson's music or Michael Jackson.

What is Michael Jackson's favorite piano chord? A-minor

What is the difference between a gorilla and Michael Jackson? One of them got shot for touching a kid.

We named our guitar school after Michael Jackson First lesson: fingering A minor

If Michael Jackson were alive today... His pronouns would be he/he.

What is Michael Jackson’s favorite chord? A minor

What does Michael Jackson have in common with a second place racehorse? They both came in a little behind.

I met Michael Jackson once when I was 9 years old It was a touching experience.

What is the difference between michael jackson and a grocery bag? One is white, plastic, and dangerous for your kids to play with and the other holds your groceries

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries.

New Michael Jackson Jokes

How did Michael Jackson get corona? He was only wearing one glove.

Did you hear about the michael jackson impersonator who expertly robbed a bank? He was a smooth criminal

Do you know what parallel dimension Dr. Michael Jackson does for a living? He heals.

Michael Jackson has the best parenting advice. Just beat it.

What did Michael Jackson say when he stubbed his toe "OW!"

What did Michael Jackson do when he was horny? Beat it

Knock knock. Who's there? Who. Who who? That's a terrible Michael Jackson impression.

Why do some people hate Michael Jackson? He made an album that was BAD.

I used to laugh at Michael Jackson for wearing gloves and a mask..... Yet here i am, stuck at home in this covid19 Thriller,
Beating it.....

What’s worse than ants in your pants? Michael Jackson

How did Michael Jackson pick his nose? From a catalog.

Inspired by another Michael Jackson joke in the thread today . . . How can you tell when Michael Jackson has company over?

Big Wheels in the driveway.

Michael Jackson Remember laughing at Michael Jackson wearing a mask and gloves?

Now you are all out there looking like you wanna be starting something!

What's the difference between COVID 19 and Michael Jackson? Covid 19 doesn't appear to touch kids.

How did michael jackson pick his nose With a catalog

How would you call Michael Jackson’s denim store? Billie Jeans

TIL: Shortly after surviving their separate accidents with fire (Richard Prior's in 1980 and Michael Jackson's in 1984) the two entertainers combined talents in 1985 for a charity concert. All proceeds went to the Ignited Negro College Fund.

What’s the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? Neil Armstrong walked on the moon, and Michael Jackson slept with kids.

How do you know it’s bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house? Because the big hand is touching the little hand.

What did Michael Jackson say before he died? OW!!!

What was Michael Jackson’s favourite guitar chord? A minor ;)

If Michael Jackson were alive today, what would his pronouns be? Hee/Hee

I am sick of people claiming that white people can't dance Have they never heard of Michael Jackson?

I don’t understand why people are so tough on Michael Jackson All he wanted was to settle down and have some kids

Michael Jackson goes to the doctor Michael Jackson: Help doctor I've been shot.
Doctor: I cant fix that but I can change your skin color so it doesn't happen again.

How’d Michael Jackson react to a joke about helium? HeHe

Why wasn't Michael Jackson's brother Tito called to testify at the 2005 trial? He wasn’t Jermaine to the case.

Michael Jackson was a great artist. He sings, He dances, and most importantly He hee

If Michael Jackson was a painter what would his nickname be? Shamone-Alisa

What pronouns does a person who sexualy identifies as Michael Jackson use? He/heee

Did you hear about Michael Jackson and the pokemon gen 5 controversy? He had to skip it because he couldn't choose between black or white

Michael Jackson's favorite song to perform Was "Beat It" in A minor

It’s almost 2020, and a question remains unanswered since Michael Jackson’s death... Is whether Annie are you ok?

I heard Michael Jackson actually died of food poisoning. He ate some 12 year old nuts

I'm scared whenever I saw Michael Jackson... He used to give me the willies

What do you call the kids who are invited to Michael Jackson's birthday party? Presents

What’s Michael Jackson’s favourite language? (Sorry if this is has been done before, I think it’s original since I haven’t seen it before.)

Hee-Hee-brew

I now officially identify and Michael Jackson and my pronouns are.. Hee/Heeee

I don’t think Michael Jackson would make for a good documentary He’d make a better thriller

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor? One got burned for Pepsi, the other got burned for coke."

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.

6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb.'

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.'

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.

49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn).

19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.

11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.

24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs.

44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you.

12 to post F.

8 to ask what F means.

36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.

15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs.

6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".

13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.

50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.

1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

1 to repost and claim as their own content.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.

6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb.'

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.'

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.

49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn).

19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.

11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.

24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs.

44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you.

12 to post F.

8 to ask what F means.

36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.

15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs.

6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".

13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.

50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.

1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.

OG joke credit: u/tigerjess

A boy walks up to a priest…

He says:

"Father, I've been thinking real hard about this and I just can't figure it out."

The priest replies:

"Thinking about what, my son?"

"Well, I've been wondering, y'know, about wether God is a boy or a girl, and I'm just not sure."

The priest chuckled then said:

"Well, you see, God doesn't really have a gender in the way you and I normally think of gender. In a way God is both; he's both male and female."

The boy looked at the priest, thought about it, then nodded his head in understanding and ran off to play with his friends.

Next Sunday:

The boy comes back to the priest and says:

"Well, you know that thing you told me last week?"

"Yes."

"I told my friends about it and they all agreed but they wanted me to ask you something else."

"What is it?"

"They wanted me to ask you about wether God is black or white."

The priest smirked and said:

"Well, again I'll have to say both."

The boy thought about it and thanked the priest for his help.

A few minutes later the boy comes back with all of his friends and says:

"Well, we've all be talking and we had one more question for you."

"Yes?" The priest said.

"So, if God is both a boy and a girl; both black and white
does that mean God is Michael Jackson?"

Daddy, is god a Man or a Woman?

Father: God is both.

Boy: Is God Black or White?

Father: God is both.

Boy: Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?

*Note* I know this joke is outdated, but a very close friend told it to me a couple years ago and as she recently passed away, I'm posting it here so people can know she was awesome.

Michael Jackson goes to the Sperm Bank

Michael Jackson asked what he was supposed to do in there, and they told him to just Beat It, and Don't Stop til you Get Enough.

They asked him afterwards what it was like to jerk off in a cup, and he said it was a Thriller.

Everyone thought it was strange that he didn't have any porno with him to help, so they asked him what he did to make himself hard so he could ejaculate. Michael told them he was looking at the Man in the Mirror.

Michael was just joking around though. He was actually just thinking of Billy Jean. Either her or Ben.

It took him a really long time in there, so the doctors were wondering what happened. Michael told them his first attempt was Bad and he had to wipe it Off the Wall.

The last thing they wanted to know was Michael's particular method for pleasing himself. He told them he just used the Jackson Five.

A boy walks up to his priest...

Boy: Father?
Priest: Yes?
Boy: I been thinking reeaal hard about something and i just can't figure it out.
Priest: Figure what out?
Boy: I just can't figure out if God is black or white. Do you know?

[*The priest chuckled*]

Priest: Son, you see there isn't a simple answer for that but i'd say God is both.

[*the boy walked off with a puzzled look*]

[*30 minutes later the boy comes back*]

Boy: Listen, i've thought about what you said and now i'm wondering whether God is a boy or a girl.

[*Again the Priest answered both*]

[*still confused the boy walked away and came back an hour later*]

Boy: Okay, so after all you've told me i still have one more question.
Priest: Well, what is it?
Boy: Is God Michael Jackson?

Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson

As Farrah Fawcett takes her last breath and dies, she opens her eyes and finds her self in heaven and standing in the presence of god. God says to Farrah "My child, throughout your life you have been a good person. You donated time and money to help the less fortunate and you also managed to become a successful and beautiful person. For your contributions, I will grant you one final wish." Farrah being a giving and selfless person said "I just want the children to be safe" and just like that Michael Jackson dies.

Little Adam wonders

Little Adam asks his mother..."hey mom, is god man or a woman?"
Mother replies: "God is both, man and woman"
A bit confused Adams wonders: "ok, but is God black or white?"
Mother replies: "God is both, black and white"
Adam responds: "what is God then... Michael Jackson?"

New Computer Viruses

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.

The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, then leaves, but will be back.

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 300 GB.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy ... then discards it through Windows.

Michael Jackson invited a young boy for a sleepover.

Everytime the boy would begin to drop off to sleep, he'd hear a noise, he'd look up and Michael would slink off out of the room and then behind the door. The boy grabbed the pillow and forced his eye to remain open. As soon as the boy fell asleep Michael came back in the room. In the end he could take no more, he ran out of the the bedroom, down the stairs out the mansion and out of the fun park until he came upon a pickup. He got in and luckily the keys were in the ignition. He revved the pickup and raced up the freeway. He drove for half an hour. He saw a sign to exit the freeway. He indicated to turn off, but then he saw flashing blue and red lights and then he heard the siren. The boy knew he was in trouble. He was too young to drive, he hadnt taken his test and he had no insurance. He saw an arm out of the police car pointing to the freeway exit. The boy took the exit. He slowed down and parked the car at the side of the road. He got out and then the police car slowed down and parked just behind.
Surprisingly Michael Jackson leapt out grabbed the boy and handcuffed him. He dragged him in to the back of the police car. Michael got in the drivers seat, he started to drive but then he turned back and said
"Sleep with one eye open? Gripping your pillow tightly?" He then pointed up to the lit sign and said "Exit sign, enter you tonight, take my hand, it's back to Neverland"

An oldie, but a goldie.

Little Johnny was leaving class ready to go home one day when his teacher called him over.
“Hi Johnny, by class tomorrow,” The teacher says,”I want you to be able to say your ABC’s.”
“Ok, I’ll try!” Says Johnny.
Johnny gets home and goes to see his Mom,
“Hi Mom, can you tell me what is the first letter of the alphabet is?” He asks.
“Shut up!” Yells his Mom while watching soap operas.
“Ok” He says back.
Next Johnny goes to his Dad.
“Hi Dad, what’s the second letter of the alphabet?”
“Yes, yes, yes!” Screams his Dad excitedly at the football on TV.
Little Johnny then goes to his big sister Kate.
“Kate, what’s the 3rd letter of the alphabet?”
“Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson!” Exclaims Kate while listening to Michael Jackson.
Next he goes to his older brother Nathan.
“Nathan, what’s the fourth letter of the alphabet?”
“In a fast car, in a fast car!” Screams his brother to an action movie.
The next day, Johnny arrives at school. “What’s the first letter of the alphabet?” The teacher asks.
“Shut up!” Yells Johnny.
“Would you like to go to the principals office mister?”
“Yes, yes, yes!”
“Who do you think you are?!?”
“Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson!”
“How are you going to get away with this?!?”
“In a fast car!!!”

Little Johnny was talking to a Priest

First, he asks the priest, ‘Father, is God a man or a woman?’

The priest replies, ‘God is both.’

So, Johnny asks the priest, ‘Father, is God black or white?’

Once again, the priest answers, ‘God is both.’

Thinking he’s figured out, Johnny asks one more question.

‘Is God Michael Jackson??’

A teacher asked a student, “Do you know the alphabet?”

The kid said no so the teacher said, “Well, tomorrow you gonna have to say the alphabet to me.”
The kid went home and asked his mom, “Mom, what’s the 1st letter of the alphabet?” His mom responded, “Sshhh I’m on the phone.”
The kid asked his dad, “Dad, what is the 2nd letter of the alphabet?” His dad said, “Yes!”
He then asked his sister, “What’s the 3rd letter of the alphabet?” She said, “Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson.”
He then asked his little brother, “Bro, what’s the 4th letter of the alphabet?” The little brother said, “Driving in my bruum bruum car. Driving in my broom broom car.”
The next day, the kid met the teacher, she asked, “What’s the 1st letter of the alphabet?”
The kid answered, “Sshhh, I’m on the phone.”
The teacher got angry and said, “Do you want to go to the principal office?
The kid responded, “Yes!”
The teacher said, “Who do you think you are?”
The kid said, “Michael Jackson.”
The teacher said, “How do you think you are going to get away with this…”
The kid said, “Driving in my bruum bruum car driving in my broom broom car.”

A child asks his father "Is God a man or woman?"

A child asks his father "Is God a man or a woman?"
"Both" his father replies
"Is God black or white?" The child asks
"Both" his father replies again
A few minutes go by and the child finally asks
"Is Michael Jackson God?"

I took my son to a Michael Jackson concert.

We got backstage passes for a private pre-show with the man himself. We were both really excited, my son in particular because it was his first concert and backstage experience.

The next day my wife asked my son if he had a good time. My son told her that it was not what he expected and MJ left a bad taste in his mouth.

Waiting to go under for a procedure, I asked my nurse what type of anesthesia they're going to give me.

She says "the same one they gave Michael Jackson," then smiled.. so pray for me lol. I actually told her it was funny, she must like messing with people before drugging them.

After Farrah Fawcett dies...

After Farrah Fawcett dies, she meets before God at the pearly gates of Heaven. God tells her, "Since you are going to heaven, I will grant you one wish." Farrah takes a moment to think, then responds, "I wish for all of the children to forever be safe from harm."

Michael Jackson dies a few hours later.

John Denver, Michael Jackson, and Elvis are waiting at the pearly gates.

Michael asks Elvis "how did you die?" Elvis says "overdosed on sleeping medications." Michael says "same here. How about you John?" To which John Denver replies "I was leaving on a jet plane."

Michael Jackson Jokes