Did you hear about the chronic masturbator that was slightly under the weather? He's not feeling himself today.
I got yelled at in LA today for singing Christmas Carols. I guess they don't wanna hear about how the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful.
Just because you sleep with someone named Stormy doesn't make you an expert on the weather... Mr. President.
I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday, I beat the raining champion.
Okay, I thought this up on the way to work this morning and I'm like 40% sure it's original.
What did one patch of moss say to the other when asked what he thought of the summer weather?
He said: "I'm lichen it so far!"
Now you're allowed to laugh, if you'd like.
I asked a tall guy "how's the weather up there" He spat on me and told me it's raining
Irish weather is like a Muslim... Its either Sunni or Shi'ite
Did you hear the weather forecast for the hiphop festival? ...They're calling for a Lil Wayne
What are the two types of weather in Islamic countries? It's either Sunni or Shi'ite
Adolf asked his advisor "How's the weather today?" "Hail, Hitler"
An amputee is taking part in a discussion on the effectiveness of gloves
On one hand, they are good for cold weather.
On the other, they don't really help.
Vaginas are like the weather If its wet, its time to go inside.
Just asked Siri 'surely the weather is not going to be this miserable again tomorrow?'
Siri replied, 'yes it will be and don't call me Shirley'
Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode
My fiance, feeling a bit under the weather, just blurted out this knee-slapper at 3AM...
Why does Bill Nye get sleepy after writing calligraphy?
Because of the Nye Quill.
What's Hitler's favorite weather? Heil
How much does it cost to run Santa's sleigh every Christmas?
Nine bucks if the weather is bad.
The snow in the UK is pretty bad right now
So I thought I’d check on my elderly 85 year old neighbour Valerie to see if she needed anything from the shops.
She said she did so I gave her my list too, no point us both going out in this weather.
if a fat doctor gives you a vasectomy, why should you ask him about the weather? because he's a meaty urologist!
What do you call a weather joke with a bad punchline? Anti-climatic.
What's Irish and stays outside your house all year no matter the weather? Paddy O'Furniture.
I asked a tall dude “how’s the weather up there?” He spat on me and told me it’s raining
Hey, Roy Moore; what's the weather forecast? Tonight, we'll be dipping into the teens.
When does it rain money? When there's change in the weather.
My granddad always used to say "there is no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing". I say "used to', he got hit by lightening.
Apparently in China there is really bad weather right now Some are even calling it a Blizzard
A woman rushed home from work and exclaimed to her husband, "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!"
The husband excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?"
She says, "Pack'em all, you're leaving!"
Why is the weather so nice in Saudi Arabia? It's always Sunni!
Why did they make economists? To make the weather guys look good.
When it's sunny, I think, "beer garden!"
When it rains, I usually go to the bar for a while.
When it's snowing, I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beer.
I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather…
What was the weather like at the rap concert? There was a Lil Wayne.
Turns out that Roy Moore is having a bad influence on weather in Alabama. The temperatures are flirting with the teens this week.
What's Chinas favourite type of weather A Blizzard
Did you hear about the remote-controlled weather machine China developed? It takes full control of a blizzard's direction in just a few keystrokes.
What was the weather forcast in poland on the day before the german invasion? 86% chance of heil
The weather forecaster this morning said that vision might be impaired by fog. I agree with him, but that's a weird way to spell "Whiskey".
You wanted to know if the ship was moving, or if it was just wind weather or knot, it mattered.
Have you heard that the weather forecast in Alabama now favors Roy Moore? It’s expected to dip into the teens
What’s hitlers favorite kind of weather Hail
What's the difference between a dark joke and 30 degree Fahrenheit weather Snowflakes can handle 30 degree Fahrenheit weather
Did you hear about the health of Kim Jong Un? He's now Kim Jong Under the Weather
What do a group of goths and a isobars on a weather map have in common? They’re both linked by their depression.
Women are a lot like weather. If it is wet outside, it's time to go inside.
Did you hear about the politician who was strongly against the draft? He ended up installing weather stripping.
How can you tell weather or not an ethiopian guy is rich? Look for the Rolex fastened around his stomach.
What does me at the Bad Grammar Competion and the weather have in common? We both win'd
What do you call the Holy Father in cold weather? A popesicle.
I hate this hot weather, I have to keep my windows closed because all my neighbour's kids do is scream. I'm seriously considering giving them back.
Report: Ocean weather pattern weakens hurricane Matthew and spares damage during US landfall Meteorologists have decided to name the weather pattern "Sean Paul", as it had the right temperature to shelter us from the storm.
A husband and wife talk about the weather... She's too wet and he says it's coming down hard.
What's the weather like in the ghetto? A little muggy.
Why did Hitler delay the invasion of Britain? The weather called for *Heil*
The weather forecast for Mexico this week... Chili Today, Hot Tamale