Weather Jokes

Contents

Funniest Weather Jokes

Funny Weather Jokes

I got yelled at in LA today for singing Christmas Carols. I guess they don't wanna hear about how the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful.

I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday, I beat the raining champion.

I asked a tall guy "how's the weather up there" He spat on me and told me it's raining

Irish weather is like a Muslim... Its either Sunni or Shi'ite

Did you hear the weather forecast for the hiphop festival? ...They're calling for a Lil Wayne

What are the two types of weather in Islamic countries? It's either Sunni or Shi'ite

Adolf asked his advisor "How's the weather today?" "Hail, Hitler"

Vaginas are like the weather If its wet, its time to go inside.

Just asked Siri 'surely the weather is not going to be this miserable again tomorrow?' Siri replied, 'yes it will be and don't call me Shirley'

Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode

How much does it cost to run Santa's sleigh every Christmas? Eight bucks


Nine bucks if the weather is bad.

What do you call a weather joke with a bad punchline? Anti-climatic.

I asked a tall dude “how’s the weather up there?” He spat on me and told me it’s raining

Hey, Roy Moore; what's the weather forecast? Tonight, we'll be dipping into the teens.

Apparently in China there is really bad weather right now Some are even calling it a Blizzard

Why is the weather so nice in Saudi Arabia? It's always Sunni!

Why did they make economists? To make the weather guys look good.

When does money fall from the sky? When there is a change in weather







Forgive me

Did you hear about the boy who turned up to school with only 1 glove? He said the weather man said it's going to be cold, but on the other hand it might be warm.

What's the difference between weather and climate? You can't weather a tree, but you can climate!

As a child I was absolutely terrified of weather forecasters ..until I realised they weren't to scale.

What do the weather in England and a Muslim have in common? It’s either Sunni or Shiite.

What was the weather like at the rap concert? There was a Lil Wayne.

Did you see the headline about Mayweather being afraid to go outside in the heat? "Mayweather May Weather May Weather"

Why are most weather forecasters men? Because when they promise a foot, you know you're only getting three inches.

Snow in the forecast... ...and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, "Fat chance, with a face like that!"

I had a date with a weather girl It was pretty hot

Turns out that Roy Moore is having a bad influence on weather in Alabama. The temperatures are flirting with the teens this week.

Why is Iraq like the weather in Britain? Because it's either Sunni or Shiite

Why did the weather man's wife leave him? He promised nine inches but she only got three.

What's Chinas favourite type of weather A Blizzard

What have Muslims and Scottish weather got in common? They're often either Sunni or Shiite.

What do you call a fat weather man that studies penises? A meaty-urologist

I don't know why North Korea needs a nuclear bomb... ...their weather machine seems to be working just fine

What does a Muslim and the English weather have in common? It's either Sunni or Shi'ite

“How are your parents?” shouted Cromwell across the battlefield. And the king replied:” They’re very well, thank you. Isn’t the weather nice for this time of year?” It was civil war.

Did you know the weather is just like a Muslim? It's either Sunni or it's Shiite.

When does it rain money? When there is "change" in the weather

The weather suggests that turnout will be in Roy Moore's favor today. It is expected to dip into the teens.

What do the weather man and every other man have in common? They say it's going to be 10 inches, then end up only being 4 to 6.

Popular Topics

New Weather Jokes

A man watches the Alaskan weather channel everyday Wife: Why are you watching the Alaskan weather channel everyday.
Man: I'm going next week so I need to acclimatize

Agnostic meterologist The agnostic meteorologist wonders whether or not there is weather or not.

Why do Native Americans hate rainy weather in April? Because April showers bring Mayflowers.

Did you hear about the health of Kim Jong Un? He's now Kim Jong Under the Weather

Good morning everyone, today's weather is None of you businesses, stay home, stay safe.

The weather is so clear nowdays You can see John Cena

How's the weather in Western China? Cloudy with a chance of genocide

What's the weather saying today? Baa, as usual.

I hate windy weather It really blows

This weather been robbing me of having unchapped lips Committing a lick to get back at it.

Wrong number I think I need to change my phone number, it must be similar to the weather (met office), someone always calls asking *"is the coast clear"?* now, here's the strange thing, we don't live anywhere near the Coast

What do a group of goths and a isobars on a weather map have in common? They’re both linked by their depression.

heh I'm really tall and a kid said hows "the weather up there" and I said "its raining" and the I spat on him

Man 1: What's the weather like outside? Man 2: it's obtuse. Man 1: What? Man 2: Its greater than 90 degrees.

How did the skeleton know it was going to rain? Because he read the weather forecast you idiot

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when he asked what the weather forecast for Christmas was? It looks like rain, dear.

What’s the difference between weather and climate? You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate!

Racist or not? Weather it's fashion, music or sports, black people have always been at the forefront of trend setting. They were even sitting at the back of the bus before it was cool.

In a tundra, a man was trying to shelter himself from the weather It was hurting like hail.

Did you hear about the remote-controlled weather machine China developed? It takes full control of a blizzard's direction in just a few keystrokes.

Did you hear about the politician who was strongly against the draft? He ended up installing weather stripping.

Dang, have you heard about all the people dealing with bad weather down in Irvine California? Oh, what bad type of bad weather?




A blizzard

What's the difference between a dark joke and 30 degree Fahrenheit weather Snowflakes can handle 30 degree Fahrenheit weather

Weather My wife asked me for the weather to come in 30 minutes.

I asked Officer Rudolph, wearing his medal on a red ribbon.

"Definitely raining." He said.

See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.

♪ Que Sera Sera ♪ Singing that all the time got me fired from the National Weather Service

The Bureau of Meteorology have issued a severe weather warning. They have told the weather to not do it again or there will be trouble.

One psychic says to another, “lovely weather we're having at the moment” “Yes," says the other psychic, "reminds me of the summer of 2021″.

I smoke weed in all kinds of weather I just dont in hail

What's the worst type of weather to hire? Lighting, it's always on strike.

A spoon, fork and a knife are are asking questions.. the spoon asks the time

the fork then asks a question

and the knife wanted to know what the weather was

but he wanted to know what the fork asked

What do Jewish boys wear when the weather gets warm? Schwartz.

How can you tell weather or not an ethiopian guy is rich? Look for the Rolex fastened around his stomach.

On my visit to Chicago, the weather forecast said it was muggy. The forecaster was right. I went outside and someone stole my shoes.

I’m not saying global warming is real... But the weather was a lot more consistent when people were sacrificing newborn babies to the sun god!

What do you call a weather joke with a bad punchline? An anti-climatic joke

What type of weather do fishermen prefer? When it is *Overcast* out.

I live in Nashville. Weather is nice here in the Nashville area this weekend. Sunny. A little chilly though so must be a.......draft....

Why doesn't the Weather Man ever carry valuables on them once the humidity level gets above 70%? It gets a bit muggy

Everybody complains about the weather . . . but nobody does anything about it except the CIA.

I ran into Gwen Stefani on the street the other day She said to me, “nice weather we’re having.”

I replied, “No Doubt.”

Popular Topics

Long Weather Jokes

A good (and very old) joke to explain why people are stocking up on necessities

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied,"it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

EDIT: formatting...

9 months later!!!

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm
and asked the attractive lady who answered the
door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have
this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors
will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in
the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they
got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an
unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined
that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith,
do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about
9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed
about being found out,'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why
do you ask?'


She just died and left me everything.'



(And you thought the ending would be different!)

A husband calls the Sheriff's office to report his wife missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sheriff: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

Sheriff: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sheriff: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, LED lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and underglow wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sheriff: Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck!

It was two o'clock in the morning...

...and a husband and wife were sleeping when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? (paused for a few seconds) How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" and slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"
The husband replies, "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear tonight."

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend. He does this no matter what - regardless of rain, snow, or thunder.



One day, however, the conditions are just too bad for him to ride his bike. There is a thick hail, brutal winds, and very slippery ice patches. Finally, after an hour, he decides to go home.



He lies down next to his wife, who is asleep and says: "The weather is terrible outside."

Half awake the wife replies: "And to think that my idiot husband is outside riding his bicycle."


(my 80 y old grandpa's joke)

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....”

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!”

Then silence.

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”

A voice from the back of the plane yelled, “Why don’t you come here and see ours?”

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north…

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry." John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.


But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Keith.

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!" Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Keith's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"Well, she just died and left me everything."

The tale of Yuri. (Preemptive apologies).

Yuri had lived in Russia all of his life, in a small town near Moscow. The town had horrible weather conditions almost all of the time and very few people lived there. Everyone living in the town was struggling to survive in such poor conditions. Yuri had lived alone in a small house in this town. He worked every day at a factory that was close to this town. It was hard work, and Yuri was never very happy with his work, but he kept enduring the rough conditions to be able to have an income. Yuri's life had been like this for several years, and he had endured many hardships during these times.

Every day, while Yuri was taking his walk to the factory before work began, he always passed by a large billboard on the side of the road. The billboard changed every month or so, usually showing an irrelevant advertisement for something that Yuri had little interest in. Today, however, Yuri noticed a new advertisement on the billboard. It read, "SWIMMING LESSONS" in large letters, accompanied by a picture of a large man swimming through the water. This ad had given Yuri something to be interested in. He had always had an intense passion for swimming, but it was always too difficult to practice in the frigid waters of the lake near his home. Yuri continued to read the ad before he finally came to the price: 5000 Rubles base fee.

Yuri was sad, because this was much more than Yuri could afford to spend. However, he thought to himself, "If I could save up enough money from the factory work, then by the end of the month, I should have enough..." After this, he decided that day that he would work as hard as he could to make sure he had enough money by the end of the month. He even had to cut back his food supply by just a small amount to still have enough money. Finally, at the end of the month, Yuri finally had enough money to be able to go to the swimming pool not far from his home where the practices were being held.

Every day after his hard work at the factory, he greatly enjoyed going back to the pool and practicing his swimming. He had started quickly and advanced rapidly. Everyone who frequented the pool to practice their swimming was impressed by Yuri's natural ability to be able to learn and adapt so quickly, becoming very popular with the people at the pool, his hometown, and even in Moscow. It was truly a passion of Yuri's.

A few months had passed, and Yuri's amazing swimming abilities had been noticed by people in places all across Russia, considering a swimming prodigy. Yuri was always modest about his skills, but was humble nonetheless. However, he still had to continue his work at the factory, and live in the same small house he had lived in since he was born. For him, swimming was the one thing that saved him from the cruel and harsh life he lived.

Later that month, on his way to the factory once again, he had noticed that the billboard he so often passed had changed once again. While it was difficult to read in the unrelenting snowstorm, he managed to make out the words "DIVING PRACTICES" in big letters. Diving was something that Yuri had also found to be interesting, but could never find the time nor place to practice properly. The pool he went to had no diving boards or excessively deep sections of the pool, so it was hard for Yuri to practice diving. However, this would give him another opportunity to pursue what he wanted to do. He looked down at the bottom of the billboard and saw something that, like the other ad, made his heart drop. The base fee was 7500 Rubles. Yuri knew that it would take another month or two of hard work at the factory to be able to achieve such a high sum of money. The factory was beginning to offer less and less money to Yuri, making life harder on him than it was before. He had to cut back his food money as well to accommodate for this. However, Yuri overcame the hardships in his life and save up just enough money by the end of two months.

The practices were held at another pool not far from the one he already went to, so it was easy for him to practice both swimming and diving at once. He continued to master his swimming skills while also learning how to practice diving. Much like with swimming, however, he had picked up skills quickly, and it only took him another few months before he had mastered diving.

Many people had heard of Yuri at this point. Several news stories across Russia were focused around Yuri, who was considered to be the best swimmer and diver in the whole country. He continued to remain incredibly modest through all of his interviews. "It is only something I am fond of, a hobby" Yuri would say. "I still have a life in the factory that I must attend to every day. It is a hard life, so swimming and diving are what I use to keep myself healthy." Despite his fame and popularity, Yuri did continue to work at the factory day in and day out, receiving little pay and little food for all of his hard work. Despite all of Yuri's hardships, he continued his daily routine of working, swimming, and diving.

For yet another time, Yuri was on his way to the factory. The billboard had changed once again. Yuri anticipated something exciting on the billboard, and he was not disappointed at what he saw. "TRAVEL TO AMERICA TODAY!" read the ad. Yuri was very interested. He had always heard of America, and had heard nothing but positive things about it. The land of the free! It was a very exciting idea to Yuri. However, he knew that with ads like these, he knew they would come at a steep price. Unfortunately, he thought correctly. The boats that traveled to America were advertised as costing 60,000 Rubles.

Yuri knew that that kind of sum would come from only another year or so of hard work at the factory. The factory work had become increasingly more difficult every single day, with little pay, food, and free time. However, he endured the next year the same way he endured the previous years: with swimming and diving. It truly was his passion, and Yuri was not sure on how he would have survived without them.

Finally, the year had passed, and Yuri had finally saved up enough Rubles to be able to ride the boat to America. He climbed aboard the boat with all of his possessions with him, all managing to fit in one small suitcase. The boat was somewhat small in size, being able to house only around 20 or so people. The boat set sail across the cold waters of the ocean. About a day had passed when people had finally recognized Yuri, the famed Russian swimmer and diver. They were all very excited to meet Yuri, and had several questions to ask him about his swimming skills. "It is nothing much, just a passion of mine, that is all. It is something I use to endure the hardships and trials of my life..." Yuri would always respond to his fans.

One day the boat had to make a stop at a small island to fill up the boat's gas supply, for they had much less than they had expected to have. It was a nice, sunny day outside, and the water was said to be very warm. One of the passengers asked Yuri to show off some of his diving techniques to his fans, since they had time to kill before the boat would depart again. "Hey, Yuri! While we wait, could you show us some of your diving skills? I would LOVE to see them!" Yuri was hesitant at first. Another passenger asked, "And maybe once you have done that, could you show us your swimming techniques? The water is warm, and it would make my day to see them!" Yuri replied, "Well... ok, if you all insist I do it."

Yuri looked off the side of the boat. On the bottom of the boat, a balcony extended from the bottom. Yuri feared he might hit the balcony on his dive down, but everyone else assured Yuri that he wouldn't hit it in a million years. Yuri stepped up over the railing, onto the side of the boat. With the same skill that he had used so many times before, he demonstrated his graceful diving skills by performing his favorite dive he knew. His fans watched in amazement as his body twirled through the air beautifully, showing the same amount of skill he put into each of his other dives. As he dove down towards the war waters below, people watched and expected for Yuri to land smoothly in the water.

Unfortunately, Yuri never landed in the water. He landed instead on the solid, hard deck of the boat's balcony below. The impact sounded painful, and all of the spectators winced on pain over his fall. Yuri remained motionless for several seconds, and his fans began to worry. Many people were about to call for medics when Yuri managed to get up slowly. "Are you alright Yuri? That fall looked hard! That must have broken some bones!" Yuri, however, had barely an injury. As he had gotten up, he simply regained his sense of direction. This had amazed several people, as that kind of a fall would have surely broken any other person's bones, if not killed them. Instead, Yuri simply stood up with barely a scratch, and waved back at the row of spectators.

"It is OK, everybody" Yuri yelled back. "I have endured many hardships in my life."

Wife Missing?

The first thing a grieving husband should do is CALL THE COPS!

Husband: "My wife of 15 years is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!"
Sheriff: "Height?"
Husband: "I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall."
Sheriff: "Weight?"
Husband: "Don't know. Not slim, not really fat."
Sheriff: "Color of eyes?"
Husband: "Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed."
Sheriff: "Color of hair?"
Husband: "Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember."
Sheriff: "What was she wearing?"
Husband: "Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly."
Sheriff: "What kind of car did she go in?"
Husband: "She went in my truck."
Sheriff: "What kind of truck was it?"
Husband: "A 2016 Brilliant Diesel Grey Pearlcoat Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4 l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, backup and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting."
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sheriff: "Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck!!!"

(Thanks to Ron P.)

Sometimes the forwards from Grandma aren't so bad.

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied,'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry." John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Keith.

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!" Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Keith's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"Well, she just died and left me everything."

Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and

“OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled “For the luvva Jaysus, you should see the back of mine!"

My Wife Is Missing

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not comehome!
Sheriff: Height?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sheriff: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sheriff: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sheriff: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t
remember.
Sheriff: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know
exactly.
Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sheriff: What kind of truck was it?
Husband:A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered
with the Ram Box bar and
fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather
heated and cooled seats, climate
controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the
bed, Weather Tech floor mats.
Trailering package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation,
satellite radio,
Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4
power outlets.
I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom
retracting running boards and underglow wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sheriff: Take it easy sir, *we'll find your truck*.!

Poor Boudreaux . . .

Boudreaux was feeling guilty, so he went to confession.

"Father, I kinda took a little lumber from that new construction site."

Priest: "What did you do with the lumber, my son?

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, my porch, she's had a hole for a long time. I'm afraid that someone will break their leg, so I fix the hole."

Priest: "Well, that's not so bad."

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left."

Priest: "What did you do with it?

Boudreaux: "Well, my poor dog Phideaux, he ain't never had no place to get outta the weather, so I make him his own little doghouse."

Priest: "OK, anything else?"

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left. So you know, my truck, she ain't never had no place to get outta de weather either, so I make her a two-car garage."

Priest: "Now, this is getting a little out of hand."

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I still had a little lumber left."

Priest: "Yes?"

Boudreaux: "Well, my wife, she always want a bigger house. So I add two bedrooms and a new bathroom."

Priest: "OK! That's definitely too much. For your penance, you are going to have to make a Novena. You do know how to make a Novena, don't you?"

Boudreaux: "No, Father ... but if you got the plans, I got the lumber."

The difference between men and women

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie, she accepts, and they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty... scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and..........

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that... it's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.

There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work. "Yes," he says. Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks. "Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

~ Dave Barry

An Indian shaman dies and his only student isn't very good...

An Indian shaman dies and his only student isn't very good but he can't let his people down so when they ask him if snow is coming he tells them.

"I must go and speak with the spirits. All of you cut firewood until I get back though just in case." And so the whole tribe begins cutting wood and the new shaman goes to "Talk with the spirits" by walking through the woods, crossing the highway, finding a payphone and calling the weather service.

"Will it snow soon?" He asks.

"Yes" they reply, and it looks like it'll be very bad.

So he crosses back over the highway and through the woods back to his tribe.

"The spirits have spoken!" He told them "The snow will be coming soon and be very bad, we must prepare and cut more lumber!"

For the next week the tribe works night and day cutting firewood. It no snow comes and they approached the new shaman again.

"We see no signs of snow" they cried "The spirits must be wrong. Please go and make sure they said it would snow."

"I will go and speak with the spirits again. All of you cut firewood until I get back though just in case." And so the whole tribe continues cutting wood and the new shaman goes to "Talk with the spirits" by walking through the woods, crossing the highway, finding a payphone and calling the weather service.

"Are you sure it will snow soon?" He asks.

"Yes" they reply, and it looks like it'll be very bad.much worse than we thought the first time."

So he crosses back over the highway and through the woods back to his tribe.

"It will be a terrible snow! We must work harder to ensure our survival this winter!" He told the tribe. And so the tribe worked even harder, clearing the land for firewood but still the snow never came.

A week later the the tribe approached the shaman again.

"Surely this must be enough firewood, we've cut down so many of our trees and still no snow.Please make sure the spirits are correct."

"I must go and speak with the spirits. All of you cut firewood until I get back though just in case." And so the whole tribe begins cutting wood and the new shaman goes to "Talk with the spirits" by walking through the woods, crossing the highway, finding a payphone and calling the weather service.

"Are you positive it will snow soon?" He asks.

"Yes, dreadfully bad! Impossibly bad!" they reply.

"How can you tell it will be so bad?" He asks

"Well our maps don't show a cloud in the sky but the local Indian tribe has cut down half a damn forest for firewood!"

An Indian who was too modern was elected as chief of the tribe

Fall was upon this remote reservation when the tribe asked their new Chief what the coming winter was going to be like. The modern day Chief had never been taught the secrets of the ancients. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.


Better safe than sorry, he said to himself and told his tribe that the winter was indeed expected to be cold and that the members of the village should stock up on firewood to be prepared.


After several days, our modern Chief got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"


"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.


So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"


"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's going to be a very cold winter."


The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"


"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."


"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.


The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

Sarcasm

Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of sarcasm.
"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather".
Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use sarcasm himself in future.
"I'm, like, using it all the time" he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said "Hey, great weather."

The chief of a tribe in Mexico dies.

His son is now the chief. Since he never learned the ways of his forefathers to predict winters, when he gets asked what should the tribe do, he just tells them to collect firewood. He then goes to the National Weather Station in Mexico and asks them how bad winter is going to be. They tell him; "It looks like it will be pretty bad". Shocked, he goes back to his tribe and tells them to gather more firewood. He goes back to the weather station and asks them again if winter will be bad. They answer, "It is going to be one of the worst winters in a decade." The Chief goes back to the village and tells them to gather more firewood. Then he goes for a third time to the weather station and asks them again, "will the winter be bad?" They respond, "It will be the worst winter in a century." The chief asks them, "How do you know winter will be bad?" They answer, "Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"

A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet person laying there.

"Hey, buddy!" The guy sat up and looked as wet and cold as he was drunk. "Hey fella, get outta the rain and on the bus."

"I can't", mumbled the drunk, "I don't haff any money."

"Nevermind that, get on the bus", said the driver kindly. So the drunk staggers up the steps and plonks down in the seat across from the driver. He looked so bedraggled and sad that the driver wanted to make him feel at least a little bit happier.

So he says to the drunk, "Hey, buddy, hey watch this!"

He stops the bus and a sour-looking older woman gets on, shaking her umbrella. She deposits her fare, and as she goes past the driver, he says, "Tickle your c#nt with a feather?"

The woman wheels around, "What did you say?!!"

The driver answers, "Typical country weather....Don't you agree?"

The woman is red-faced and embarrassed at what she thought she heard and mumbles yes, she agrees and sits herself well down the back.

The drunk is smiling a bit, so the driver knows its having a positive effect. "Watch this one", he says.

Sure enough, at the next stop another woman gets on. She looks like she's never cracked a smile in her life. As she drops in her fare and starts to move past the driver, he mumbles, "Tickle your snatch with a feather?"

The woman gasps and says,"I beg your pardon?!!"

To which the driver answers, "I said typical nasty weather."

The woman is completely shaken and apologises and agrees, yes the weather is atrocious. Then hurries to her seat.

Now the drunk is chuckling quite freely.

The driver leans over and says to the drunk, "Why don't you do the next one?"

The drunk shakes his head, "No, I'm too dr-dr-drunk." "Nah", says the driver, "you do this one."

So as the bus stops, the drunk pulls himself up straight in the seat, smooths his clothes out and stares straight ahead. His face is a study in concentration. As the lady pays her fare and begins to pass by the drunk, he says in a clear, strong voice, "SCRATCH YER C#NT WITH A STICK?"

The woman, absolutely shocked, turns to the drunk and says, "WHAT did you say to me?!!"

"F#ckin' cold, eh?!"

Popular Topics