Did you hear about the chronic masturbator that was slightly under the weather? He's not feeling himself today.
I got yelled at in LA today for singing Christmas Carols. I guess they don't wanna hear about how the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful.
Just because you sleep with someone named Stormy doesn't make you an expert on the weather... Mr. President.
I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday, I beat the raining champion.
Okay, I thought this up on the way to work this morning and I'm like 40% sure it's original.
What did one patch of moss say to the other when asked what he thought of the summer weather?
He said: "I'm lichen it so far!"
Now you're allowed to laugh, if you'd like.
I asked a tall guy "how's the weather up there" He spat on me and told me it's raining
Irish weather is like a Muslim... Its either Sunni or Shi'ite
Did you hear the weather forecast for the hiphop festival? ...They're calling for a Lil Wayne
What are the two types of weather in Islamic countries? It's either Sunni or Shi'ite
Adolf asked his advisor "How's the weather today?" "Hail, Hitler"
An amputee is taking part in a discussion on the effectiveness of gloves
On one hand, they are good for cold weather.
On the other, they don't really help.
Vaginas are like the weather If its wet, its time to go inside.
Just asked Siri 'surely the weather is not going to be this miserable again tomorrow?'
Siri replied, 'yes it will be and don't call me Shirley'
Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode
My fiance, feeling a bit under the weather, just blurted out this knee-slapper at 3AM...
Why does Bill Nye get sleepy after writing calligraphy?
Because of the Nye Quill.
What's Hitler's favorite weather? Heil
How much does it cost to run Santa's sleigh every Christmas?
Nine bucks if the weather is bad.
The snow in the UK is pretty bad right now
So I thought I’d check on my elderly 85 year old neighbour Valerie to see if she needed anything from the shops.
She said she did so I gave her my list too, no point us both going out in this weather.
if a fat doctor gives you a vasectomy, why should you ask him about the weather? because he's a meaty urologist!
What do you call a weather joke with a bad punchline? Anti-climatic.
What's Irish and stays outside your house all year no matter the weather? Paddy O'Furniture.
I asked a tall dude “how’s the weather up there?” He spat on me and told me it’s raining
Hey, Roy Moore; what's the weather forecast? Tonight, we'll be dipping into the teens.
When does it rain money? When there's change in the weather.
My granddad always used to say "there is no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing". I say "used to', he got hit by lightening.
Apparently in China there is really bad weather right now Some are even calling it a Blizzard
A woman rushed home from work and exclaimed to her husband, "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!"
The husband excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?"
She says, "Pack'em all, you're leaving!"
Why is the weather so nice in Saudi Arabia? It's always Sunni!
Why did they make economists? To make the weather guys look good.
When it's sunny, I think, "beer garden!"
When it rains, I usually go to the bar for a while.
When it's snowing, I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beer.
I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather…
What's Chinas favourite type of weather A Blizzard
I don't know why North Korea needs a nuclear bomb... ...their weather machine seems to be working just fine
Did you hear about the fat kidney doctor who could predict the weather? She was a meaty urologist.
Irma has been blowing all over the city for a few weeks now. But enough about your mom, let me tell you about the weather.
What was the weather forcast in poland on the day before the german invasion? 86% chance of heil
Beggars are like mosquitos... You hope for cold weather, so they will stop bothering you.
The weather forecaster this morning said that vision might be impaired by fog. I agree with him, but that's a weird way to spell "Whiskey".
I don't think Connor McGregor enjoyed the fight last night. He seemed like he was feeling a bit under the weather.
You wanted to know if the ship was moving, or if it was just wind weather or knot, it mattered.
One day, Adolf Hitler looked outside and saw heavy storm clouds.
Worried, he contacted a meteorologist and asked him what the weather was going to be like.
The meteorologist replied, "Hail, Hitler!"
Did you hear about the health of Kim Jong Un? He's now Kim Jong Under the Weather
The weather is so clear nowdays You can see John Cena
Scientists have made a suprising discovery that there is a direct correlation between colder weather in conjunction with the Corona virus epidemic... and increase in number of ninjas on the streets.
What do a group of goths and a isobars on a weather map have in common? They’re both linked by their depression.
Women are a lot like weather. If it is wet outside, it's time to go inside.
Did you hear about the politician who was strongly against the draft? He ended up installing weather stripping.
What's the difference between a dark joke and 30 degree Fahrenheit weather Snowflakes can handle 30 degree Fahrenheit weather
How can you tell weather or not an ethiopian guy is rich? Look for the Rolex fastened around his stomach.
What's it called when your moods dependant on the weather? Bi-Solar
What’s hitlers favorite kind of weather Hail
I don't get why everyone makes such a big deal about the cold weather. I'm out in it right now and I can't feel a thing!
Might skip the gym 'cause I don't like training abs and the weather doesn't look promising. It's oblique day.
I might not go to the gym because I don't like training abs and the weather doesn't look promising. It's oblique day.
Weather forecast for today: Partly sunny...
... partly moony.
Thanks mom for the corny joke to share on the internet.
What weather event would happen if the members of NATO split apart? A tornado
What do you call a meteorologist with all of his limbs broken? A weather four-caster
The British weather has just been declared Muslim A little bit Sunni but mostly Shiite
What do you call a male pig with no legs and delusions of being a weather forecaster? Groundhog
Why can't doctors work with meteorologists? They're always under the weather.
Summer weather is like a terrible dating profile... "24 but feels like 36."
People say Iraq weather was great, They always talk about how Sunni it is but personally I think it was Shiite.
Americans tend to think us Aussies are all dumb... But atleast we get our weather information from meteorologists and not groundhogs.
What do you call the Holy Father in cold weather? A popesicle.
The weather in Canada is like a dubstep It's so nice and warm, but all of a sudden it it d-d-d-drops the tempº
2 fortune tellers are talking about the weather. The first one says it's going to be a hot winter. The second one replies "Yes, reminds me of the summer of 2093."
What type of weather is the most offensive? Darude - Sandstorm
Wanna hear the best Irish joke ever? Dry weather.
#NotMyGroundhog Cold weather triggers me
"How did Trump become president?!?!" Asks the country getting its weather forecast from a groundhog.
The weather forecast is looking pretty bad over in Germany. There's a high chance of heil.
I hate this hot weather, I have to keep my windows closed because all my neighbour's kids do is scream. I'm seriously considering giving them back.
Report: Ocean weather pattern weakens hurricane Matthew and spares damage during US landfall Meteorologists have decided to name the weather pattern "Sean Paul", as it had the right temperature to shelter us from the storm.
They're predicting record highs for Wednesday. In other news the weather will be hotter than usual.
What does the weather do when Hitler's around? It heils.
A husband and wife talk about the weather... She's too wet and he says it's coming down hard.
What is it called when weather in Central America breaks the news? A topical climate.
What's the weather like in the ghetto? A little muggy.
What is hitler's favourite kind of weather? Hail
The weather forecast for Mexico this week... Chili Today, Hot Tamale