Bathroom Jokes

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Funniest Bathroom Jokes

I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha­­! That’s not going to help!” “Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Funny Bathroom Jokes

Let's play the Oscar Pistorius drinking game Whenever your girlfriend goes to the bathroom take a shot

Saw a hooker on the street who said she'd do anything for $50 Guess who got the front porch repainted, bathroom retiled and a new deck.

My Bathroom I've decided to call my bathroom the Jim instead of the John.

It sounds better when I tell folks I go to the Jim every morning.

Why do teenage girls go to the bathroom in 3s and 5s? Because they literally can't even.

I like to do drugs in a Chipotle bathroom Because no one questions you if you spend 45 minutes in a Chipotle bathroom.

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Why do teenage girls go to the bathroom in odd-numbered groups? Because they can't even.

Oscar Pistorius wants a new bathroom door His girlfriend is dead against it.

Does God use our bathroom A child asks, "Mommy, does God use our bathroom?"


The mother replies, "No darling. Why do you ask?"


The child says, "Because every morning daddy bangs on the door and shouts, 'Oh God, are you still in there?'"

How to get lots of women to ask you out! Go in the women's bathroom

My wife asked me to get her something that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds for her birthday. So I got her a bathroom scale.

Don't be frightened if you see a Pokemon Go player outside your bathroom window. He's just trying to catch a pikachu.

My wife said she wanted her birthday gift to go from 0-200 in less than ten seconds... ...so I bought her a bathroom scale.

My wife said "If we ever win the lottery, I want you to buy me something compact, shiny, and can go from 0 to 200 in three seconds. I figured why wait, so surprised her that night..... ... with a shiny new bathroom scale.

Oscar Pistorius really wanted a new bathroom door but his girlfriend was dead against it.

If you are Russian when you go to the bathroom and you are Finnish when you leave the bathroom, what are you when you are in the bathroom? European

My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she laughed. “Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

If you're in the UK, you go poo in the loo. So what do you do in the bathroom in Miami? Cocaine

I was going to cover my bathroom floor with dead baby skin... My wife told be that would be infant tile.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom 'John' and renamed it 'Jim'. I feel so much better saying "I went to the Jim this morning”

Today I was asked to go out by 20 different women... ...I was in the girls bathroom

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said. "Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Locals have discovered a little hole in the wall of the women's bathroom Police have said they're looking into it

I'm going to buy 100 mounted fish and fill a room with them. When someone comes over and asks where the bathroom is, I'll send them to that room instead. As soon as they come back disappointed, I'll say, "I'm sorry, I thought you said my bassroom!"

I ate a bunch of scrabble pieces earlier So going to the bathroom could spell disaster

My girl friend was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go out. When finally the door swung open, she said "Honestly, do I look fat in this?" I replied "Yes love, but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom".

Fat guy. A man is weighing himself in the bathroom sucking in his stomach when his wife comes in and says, "That's not going to help."
The guy say, "Well it is, it's the only way I can see the numbers."

I took my new dog outside to go to the bathroom but he didn't like my yard I told him, "I know it's not the best, but you'll have to make doo."

You're sitting at home when all of a sudden There's a knock at the door.

You open the door.

It's a bathroom sink...

Let that sink in..

Instead of "the John" I decided to start calling my bathroom "the Jim" I needed to workout more. Now first thing in the morning I always go to the Jim!

An old man goes back to bed ... And asks his wife " does the light in our bathroom turn on and off automatically ", she replies with "No why?", the old man sighs and says "well.... I'm going to buy a new fridge tomorrow"

Where is a tech support's bathroom located? At their I Pee address!

Bathroom humour is not my favorite type of humour... but it's a solid #2.

My wife accused me of fogging up our bathroom mirror But I really can't see myself doing that.

A Real Gut-Buster A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

There’s a hole in the women’s bathroom wall at the police station The detectives are looking into it

A man has undergone the first successful hand transplant in the UK. Doctors say he can move his fingers, but still doesn't have any feeling. Also, he won't come out of the bathroom for some reason.

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New Bathroom Jokes

Why can’t an American bathroom stall lie? You can see right through them

Two chemists walk into a bar The first chemist says: I'll have a H2o

The second chemist says: Same

The first chemist goes to the bathroom and contacts his employer on his radio to inform him that plan A had failed.

I got one of those talking bathroom scales that is supposed to read your weight to you But when I step on it, it says "One at a time, please!"

I'm going to go buy a bathroom scale and some glasses tomorrow. My plans after that? Weight and see.

I swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles.... My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

I just swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster

Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E? Because he had a vowel movement.

8 girls asked me out.. Oh man I was in the wrong bathroom

Where do bees stop to use the bathroom on road trips? The BP station.

Must be horrifying to have a shower when you're a magician You never know if your bathroom is still going to be there when you pull back the shower curtain.

Last night I swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

Spider-Man Found a spider in the bathroom and my wife asked me to take it out, rather than kill it. So we went out. Had a few beers. Nice guy, actually. He's a web designer.

Its valentine and was asked to go out by 5 girls Turns out l was in the girls bathroom

What do you do if you put a load in the dishwasher that's too big? Pray she makes it to the bathroom rather than drip on the bed.

What do you call going to the bathroom at Midnight? Shhhhhhhhitting

Written on bathroom wall Three things I hate:

1. Vandalism
2. Lists
3. Sarcasm

Bathroom scale A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

To whoever stole my anti-depressants when I left to go to the bathroom today I hope you’re happy.

In the USA, before walking in the bathroom you’re an American, and when you walk out of the bathroom you’re an American. What are you when you’re inside? European.

My 9 year old.... ...is yelling at me, "Hey dad, look at me! Im a 3D printer!"
I respond "Close the bathroom door, son!"

I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

When you have to pee but there isn't a bathroom nearby, urine trouble.

My gf is so immature. She walks into the bathroom while I'm taking a bath,totally unannounced,and sinks all of my boats.Is it just me,or is that just totally immature.I was thinking about telling her mom.

Why did the tellytubbies all use the bathroom at the same time? They only have one Tinky Winky!

Exploring Wayne Manor Robin: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you too, did you?

Batman: Of course not.

Robin:

Batman: OK, yes, there’s the bat-shampoo.

Robin:

Batman: But there’s also conditioner Gordon.

If you go into the bathroom as an American and leave as an American, what are you in the bathroom? European

What do you get when you cross a rhinoceros and a toilet seat? I don't know, but there's no way I'm using **that** bathroom

If you go into the bathroom American, and you leave the bathroom American, what are you when you're in the bathroom? European.

You're gonna ask me why i have a sheep's skull on my bathroom scale, arent you? Weigh a head of ewe there.

My wife saw me standing on the bathroom scale and sucking my stomach in and said "Ha! That doesn't help!" Ofcourse it does. It's the only way I can see the numbers...

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom Because their extinct

This little kid at the shops an hour ago: Why was Tigger in the bathroom for so long? He had Pooh inside him..

I laughed which made the little fellas day.

Today I went to the bathroom without my phone. There are 124 tiles in my bathroom.

We asked 100 women what body wash they preferred: 99% replied with “GET OUT OF MY BATHROOM YOU PERVERT!”

The bathroom door at my workplace has a sign that reads "Please use toilet brush after using the toilet." Will it be okay to ask my employer to provide a softer brush so it hurts less?

Why shouldn’t you go to the bathroom with Team Rocket around? Because they might take a Pikachu!

I'm not using my faulty bathroom scales again. I’ve seen the error of my weighs.

My wife asked for something shiny, fast, and brand new that would go from 0-200 in under a second for her birthday. Apparently a bathroom scale was not what she had in mind

New bathroom I was shopping for a new bathroom this week, and was shown an amazing toilet that plays ABBA songs when you flush it.

What a loo.

I lost 5 pounds in 10 minutes! But I wouldn't go in that bathroom for at least an hour...

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Long Bathroom Jokes

My wife shouted at me to go out and find her some tampons, quick!

So, I sprinted to the car, paced down the street, rushed into the store, frantically looking down each aisle until I finally got to the tampons, hurried back to my car and raced home as fast as I could! I burst in through the front door, ran up the stairs, slammed open the bathroom door and shouted, "Walmart, halfway down aisle 10, bottom shelf!"

So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers...

... and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them.

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll be kicked off the train!"

Sure enough, on board the train, they could hear the ticket master in the next car, saying, "Tickets please."

The three engineers ran into the train bathroom and closed the door. The ticket master came in and knocked on the door and said, "Tickets please."

They slipped the ticket under the door and the ticket master moved on.

"That's brilliant!" The mathematicians exclaimed. "We should do that on our way home!"

After the conference ended and they were traveling home the mathematicians all bought one ticket to share between them... and the engineers didn't buy ANY ticket at all!

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "What are they going to do when the ticket master comes through? They'll be kicked off the train."

On the train they soon heard the ticket master in the next car saying, "Tickets please."

All three mathematicians ran into one bathroom and closed the door. All three engineers ran into the other bathroom and closed the door. As soon as both doors were closed, an engineer came out of the bathroom and knocked on the mathematicians door and said, "Tickets please."

While teaching a class,

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:


"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"


Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."


The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"


Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back."


"That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"


Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom

The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."

The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.

"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"

"What drugs?"

A hippie sits down at a bar...

So a hippie sits down at a bar and tries to order a beer on a tab, but the bartender wants money up front which the hippie doesn't have. So the guy next to him offers to buy him a beer. They start talking and drinking and drinking and talking. After a while the guy says to the hippie, "come with me to the bathroom and I'll give you a blow job".

Suddenly the hippie jumps off his stool, pushes the guy down, and starts kicking the guy repeatedly.

A couple of patrons pull the hippie back. They ask him what the guy said to piss him off so much.

"Something about a job. "

A C-130 is being escorted by two F-16s.

Tired from following the slow-moving plane, one of the F-16 pilots tells his partner, "Hey watch what I can do." With that, he leaves the C-130's side and performs a series of barrel rolls.

"That's nothing" says the second F-16 pilot and he also leaves his spot and does even more spectacular tricks. The two F-16s continue showing off. When they finally fall back into place the C-130 pilot comes on the mike.

"I bet I can do something you can't" he says.

"Yeah, right, prove it" says one of the F-16 pilots.

"Watch this," says the C-130 pilot and continues flying in a straight line. After a few minutes, the F-16 pilot comes back on the mic and says

"We didn't see anything, you liar"

"You're the liar" the C-130 pilot says, "I went to the bathroom for a smoke break and a dump"

A teacher trying to teach good manners ...

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:


"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"


Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."


The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"


Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back."


"That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"


Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

My kid and I were in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinal to his right, my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims…

"Daddy, that man's wiener is a lot bigger than yours!"

The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me.

So I put my hand around my kid and told him "Well son, that's because daddy isn't aroused by men."

Three Irishmen and Three Scots are on a train

Three Scots and three Irishmen are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Irishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three Scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an Irishman.
"Watch and you'll see," answers a Scot.
They all board the train. The Irishmen take their respective seats but all three Scots cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says,"Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Irishmen see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Irishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money,and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Irishman. Watch and you'll see," answers a Scot.
When they board the train the three Irishmen cram into a bathroom and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Scots leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Irishmen are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

A Nagging Wife

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his death row client.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet and said "They're not hanging Wright tonight!"

He whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar...

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes...

...and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!"

Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself."

She said, "Yes, I am!"
The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?"

She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."

The Mafia leader tells his right-hand man to...

, "Go into the bathroom, jerk off and bring it out." Then he hands him a plastic cup. Unsure of what's going on, the right-hand man goes into the bathroom, jerks off into the plastic cup, and comes out. The Mafia leader says, "Good, good. Now do it again. Don't forget to bring it out." The Mafia leader hands him a new cup. So the guy goes back into the bathroom and does the same thing. He walks out with much less in the cup than the first time. The Mafia leader sees this and says, "Very good, very good. Do it one more time." He hands him a new cup and the guy goes back into the bathroom. He comes out and there's only a tiny drop in the cup. The Mafia leader now says, "Alright Steve, I want you to drive my daughter to Manhattan."

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer from the bartender.

As the bartender goes to get the drink, the bowl of peanuts pipes up, "excellent choice, on the beer! A really great decision."

Thinking he is hearing things, the man goes to the bathroom to wash his face.

On his way there, the juke box yells at him, "a goddamn beer? Horrible choice. Only thing worse is that disgusting excuse for a shirt you're wearing."

Startled, the man rushes into the bathroom to freshen up, then returns to his seat at the bar.

As the bartender brings back his beer, the man says to him, "I think I'm going crazy here. I thought I had the peanuts heaping praise on me here and then the juke box ridiculing me on my way to the bathroom. Did I imagine that?"

The bartender solemnly shook his head. "No, sir. My apologies. The peanuts are complimentary, but the juke box is out of order."

A man with drugs was caught by the cops in the bathroom

The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."

The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.

"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"

"What drugs?"

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”

“Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop.

​

The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”

​

The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”

​

After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender.

​

The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar...

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat.
An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Later, a D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."

Then A comes into the bar but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get outta here. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back into the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nice shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in. This could be a major development!"

This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit and stands au natural. Eventually the C sobers up, and realizes with horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations of the contrary are bassless.

The bartender then decides, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

She LOVES her husband

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party…
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”.
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, “Son… what happened last night?”
“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it,
and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”
Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”
His son replies, “Oh THAT… Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”

Two scientists walk into a restaurant. The first one says, "I'll have an H2O."

The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. Why are you referring to it so strangely. We're not at work anymore."

The first scientist goes into the bathroom and cries. His assassination attempt has failed.

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