My girlfriend left me because I'm too insecure... Oh wait, she's back. She just went to the bathroom.
Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls... I was in the women's bathroom.
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!” “Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because they are dead.
Why was Buzzfeed's editor found dead in the bathroom? Because number two shocked him.
Why do you never hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the "p" is silent...
The first joke I made up at age 7 - found in my first grade journal
Q: Where do robbers go to the bathroom
Why can't you hear pterodactyls go to the bathroom? Because they're all dead.
Let's play the Oscar Pistorius drinking game Whenever your girlfriend goes to the bathroom take a shot
I've decided to call my bathroom the Jim instead of the John.
It sounds better when I tell folks I go to the Jim every morning.
Why do teenage girls go to the bathroom in 3s and 5s? Because they literally can't even.
I like to do drugs in a Chipotle bathroom Because no one questions you if you spend 45 minutes in a Chipotle bathroom.
Where do Bees use the bathroom? At the BP station. (thanks grandma)
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
“Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
Why do teenage girls go to the bathroom in odd-numbered groups? Because they can't even.
Oscar Pistorius wants a new bathroom door His girlfriend is dead against it.
Why was a Buzzfeed editor found dead in a bathroom? Number 2 shocked him.
A joke from my Mexican grandmother: What's faster? Lightning, light, or diarrhea?
Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.
How to get lots of women to ask you out! Go in the women's bathroom
My wife asked me to get her something that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds for her birthday. So I got her a bathroom scale.
Don't be frightened if you see a Pokemon Go player outside your bathroom window. He's just trying to catch a pikachu.
Why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? because they are all dead
How can you tell the difference between a biologist and a chemist in the bathroom? A biologist washes his hands after peeing, a chemist washes his hands before.
My 5 year old grandson came up with this joke, and didn't even realize it was funny and made sense: Why did the basketball player go to the bathroom? Because he was dribbling. 😊
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
My wife said she wanted her birthday gift to go from 0-200 in less than ten seconds... ...so I bought her a bathroom scale.
My wife said "If we ever win the lottery, I want you to buy me something compact, shiny, and can go from 0 to 200 in three seconds. I figured why wait, so surprised her that night..... ... with a shiny new bathroom scale.
Oscar Pistorius really wanted a new bathroom door but his girlfriend was dead against it.
If you are Russian when you go to the bathroom and you are Finnish when you leave the bathroom, what are you when you are in the bathroom? European
An old man goes back to bed ... And asks his wife " does the light in our bathroom turn on and off automatically ", she replies with "No why?", the old man sighs and says "well.... I'm going to buy a new fridge tomorrow"
Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl going the bathroom? Because the P is silent.
Apparently Oscar Pistorius wanted a new bathroom door... But his girlfriend was dead against it.
I'll admit it, I often jack off in the bathroom at work. Some of the guys here think it's strange that I use the urinal.
Why can't you hear a psychologist go to the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent.
Why don’t you know when a pterodactyl goes to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.
My son entered the bathroom during my morning shower time.
Soon, we had that awkward "Why is *yours* bigger than *mine*?"-conversation...
He said: "Dad! I don't know... I'm only ten!"
Why does Hamlet take so long in the Bathroom? He cannot decide to pee or not to pee.
A German is in the bathroom
Someone knocks on the door.
"Are you peein?"
"No," the German responds, "European."
How do you play the Oscar Pistorius drinking game? Every time your girlfriend goes to the bathroom, take two shots
What do you call it when Doofenschmirtz goes to the bathroom? A urINATOR
Cheese has magical properties for the lactose intolerant, we turn into Oscar Pistorious... ... and run to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
While my girlfriend was over, I said, “I love you! You’re the best thing in my life! I couldn’t live without you!” Then my girlfriend came back from the bathroom and asked why I was talking to the television.
Why was Luke Skywalker crying in the bathroom? Because there was too much of his father in him.
My fiancee asked me if I ever peed in her shower.
I told her "yes, occasionally. Just last night, I remember."
"Augh! That's disgusting! How can you do that in my bathroom?!"
I shrugged. "Sometimes I can't help it with your diarrhea inducing cooking."
You walk into the bathroom you’re American. When you come out you’re American. What are you when you’re in the bathroom? European and Russian
Where does a feminist go to the bathroom? She just leaves it in her blog posts.
I had a friend who was named after a perfume who won at poker against someone who bet their bathroom on the game. Now he's Eau de toilette.
When you're in a restaurant you are an American. But when you go to the bathroom European.
So this witty kid went to his teacher asked her if he can go to the bathroom...
The teacher responded, "Alright, you can go."
The kid thanked his teacher and then went back to his seat.
What do you call a comedian going to the bathroom? A comic relief
Today we were leaning about cybersecurity and a student asked to got to the bathroom.
The teacher responded " only if you think about cybersecurity while you're there."
Everybody was all confused, then he said "well the internet has IP protocal."
Something to ponder: Some people theow parties where they don't allow bathroom fixtures to attend. Let that sink in.
What public bathroom does a Transgender person go into?
The disability bathroom
Before you cry offensive I just came out as trans and this happened to me and I thought it was hilarious
Whats in common between the titanic and a bathroom Sink
I was walking past the bathroom in the Dolphin Inc. HQ offices. I really had to pee, but the restroom was closed.
I was extremely upset, but then I read the sign:
"Closed for professional porpoises."
Why can't you hear pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because it's dead
What happened to the bug who couldn’t reach the bathroom in time? He centipede himself.
You're an American when you go into the bathroom, and you are an Amwrican when you come out, but do you know what you are while you're in there? European.
You’re all a Russian...
...on your way to the bathroom
European while you’re in there
And you’re Finnish when you’re done
What did Micheal Jackson do in the bathroom? He took a pee hee.
My blonde roommate walked into the bathroom with an undercooked steak, camera, and towel. She said "I'm getting some snaps of a rare, meatier shower."
If European in the bathroom, what are you before you get there?
(A substitute teacher told this in my class today)
Why did Moses build a bathroom in the middle of the desert? Because he wanted to let his people go.
Scientists are now claiming you could not hear pterodactyl going to the bathroom I guess their P was silent.
Why can't you hear a Pterodactly in a bathroom? The "p" is silent...
You know why you can't hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom? Because the P is silent.
Chipotle is the best place to do drugs Because no one questions if you spend a lot time in the bathroom, and come out looking terrible.
Where do transgender people use the bathroom when they get old? Depends
When using the bathroom I’ve adopted a two flush technique One flush to - ya know - flush it down and another flush to wash my hands, it works a lot better than doing it all in one flush.
I was walking to the bathroom last night and had a really good idea. A lightblub suddenly illuminated over my head. Yeah, it was a really good idea to turn that light on.
My friend and his girlfriend just got a puppy . They're a progressive couple, so they gave their dog a gender neutral name. Now the thing thinks it can just go to the bathroom wherever it wants.
Help! I just ate a bagful of scrabble tiles! My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster for me.
The sign in the bathroom at Kentucky Fried Chicken said... ..."Employees must lick fingers before returning to work."
How do you trap a Swede in the bathroom?
On the left wall write: look right.
On the right wall write: look left.
All your advice wont help your friend puking on your bathroom floor because... it's just in one beer and out the other.
Why did the blonde girl remove the bathroom door? So that she can't be spied on through a keyhole.
If you're Russian to the bathroom, and when you Finnish you walk out, what are you inside European
A child comes out of the bathroom and sees his mother baking a cake
"Mommy, can I lick the bowl?"
"No sweetie, you have to flush like everyone else!"
Did you know that your nationality changes when you go to the bathroom?
When you go in there, American (or whatever nationality you are)
When you come out of there, American
But when you are in there, European
What do you call it when you post memes in the bathroom Shitposting
Why can't you hear it when a pterodactyl goes to the bathroom? Because it's "P" is silent.
Know why you can't hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom? The P is silent
Why couldn't you hear the pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pterodactyl is extinct.
What instrument found in Bathroom?
What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
A tuba toothpaste.
My co-workers must be atheists because they hate when I greet them "Merry Christmas!" It doesn't seem to matter whether I greet them from over or under the bathroom stall.
Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl use a bathroom? The p is silent.
How does Sherlock Holmes go to the bathroom? OC By process of elimination.
How do you play the Oscar Pistorius drinking game? When your girlfriend goes to the bathroom, take two shots.
Why can't you hear the pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
How do you know genital anatomy was designed by an idiot? No one else would put the bathroom right next to the snack bar.