My girlfriend left me because I'm too insecure... Oh wait, she's back. She just went to the bathroom.
Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls... I was in the women's bathroom.
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!” “Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because they are dead.
Why was Buzzfeed's editor found dead in the bathroom? Because number two shocked him.
Why do you never hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the "p" is silent...
The first joke I made up at age 7 - found in my first grade journal
Q: Where do robbers go to the bathroom
Why can't you hear pterodactyls go to the bathroom? Because they're all dead.
Let's play the Oscar Pistorius drinking game Whenever your girlfriend goes to the bathroom take a shot
I've decided to call my bathroom the Jim instead of the John.
It sounds better when I tell folks I go to the Jim every morning.
Why do teenage girls go to the bathroom in 3s and 5s? Because they literally can't even.
I like to do drugs in a Chipotle bathroom Because no one questions you if you spend 45 minutes in a Chipotle bathroom.
Where do Bees use the bathroom? At the BP station. (thanks grandma)
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
“Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
Why do teenage girls go to the bathroom in odd-numbered groups? Because they can't even.
Oscar Pistorius wants a new bathroom door His girlfriend is dead against it.
Why was a Buzzfeed editor found dead in a bathroom? Number 2 shocked him.
A joke from my Mexican grandmother: What's faster? Lightning, light, or diarrhea?
Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.
How to get lots of women to ask you out! Go in the women's bathroom
My wife asked me to get her something that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds for her birthday. So I got her a bathroom scale.
Don't be frightened if you see a Pokemon Go player outside your bathroom window. He's just trying to catch a pikachu.
Why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? because they are all dead
How can you tell the difference between a biologist and a chemist in the bathroom? A biologist washes his hands after peeing, a chemist washes his hands before.
My 5 year old grandson came up with this joke, and didn't even realize it was funny and made sense: Why did the basketball player go to the bathroom? Because he was dribbling. 😊
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
My wife said she wanted her birthday gift to go from 0-200 in less than ten seconds... ...so I bought her a bathroom scale.
My wife said "If we ever win the lottery, I want you to buy me something compact, shiny, and can go from 0 to 200 in three seconds. I figured why wait, so surprised her that night..... ... with a shiny new bathroom scale.
Oscar Pistorius really wanted a new bathroom door but his girlfriend was dead against it.
If you are Russian when you go to the bathroom and you are Finnish when you leave the bathroom, what are you when you are in the bathroom? European
Women are so ungrateful these days. I try and hold the door for them but all they do is scream and tell me to get out of the bathroom.
From my 8yo daughter. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?
Because the ‘p’ is silent.
Edit: she thought she was funny, and I laughed. Wrong setup and all.
Bathroom humour is not my favorite type of humour... but it's a solid #2.
What nationality are you when you walk into the bathroom?
What nationality are you while you're in the bathroom?
What nationality are you when you walk out of the bathroom?
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? Cause the pee is silent.
jim I've decided to no longer refer to the bathroom as "the john". Instead I will call it "the jim". That way, I can say in all honesty that I went to the jim this morning.
Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl going the bathroom? Because the P is silent.
Apparently Oscar Pistorius wanted a new bathroom door... But his girlfriend was dead against it.
Today 10 ladies asked me to go out!! I was in the ladies bathroom.
My wife just left me, she always said I was too insecure
She was just in the bathroom
Something to ponder: Some people theow parties where they don't allow bathroom fixtures to attend. Let that sink in.
When you go into the bathroom you’re American. When you come out you’re American. What are you while in the bathroom? European
My gf is so immature. She walks into the bathroom while I'm taking a bath,totally unannounced,and sinks all of my boats.Is it just me,or is that just totally immature.I was thinking about telling her mom.
If you go into the bathroom American, and you leave the bathroom American, what are you when you're in the bathroom? European.
You're gonna ask me why i have a sheep's skull on my bathroom scale, arent you? Weigh a head of ewe there.
This little kid at the shops an hour ago: Why was Tigger in the bathroom for so long?
He had Pooh inside him..
I laughed which made the little fellas day.
What did Micheal Jackson do in the bathroom? He took a pee hee.
Why can't you hear a Pterodactly in a bathroom? The "p" is silent...
Where do transgender people use the bathroom when they get old? Depends
I was in a Thai strip club.
After flirting with one of the workers, I suggested we go to the bathroom together.
"Ooo, what for, honey?" she winked.
I said, "Clarity."
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because it has a silent pee.
In tech support, we get asked questions that seem like common sense. Today I told a guy "CTRL-P"... ...but he didn't make it to the bathroom.
Etiquette rule #381: When on a romantic date with a lady, you feel the need to use the bathroom, excuse yourself by saying: Excuse me, I need to go shake hands with a dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to later tonight.
Why did the blonde girl remove the bathroom door? So that she can't be spied on through a keyhole.
What do you call someone who lives in a bathroom? A lieutenant.
I just flew into town, and boy are my arms tired ...I'm a real nervous flyer, so I spent the whole flight just jerking it in the bathroom.
What do you say when you have to use the bathroom in the woods? Excuse me, I have to use the facili-trees.
My date said she was going to the bathroom and would be back in a few minutes She actually came back 😂😂😂
There's a man on my doorstep delivering a replacement bathroom fixture right now. Let that sink in.
You're American when you come into the bathroom and you're American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you're in there? You're a peein'
What happens when William Shatner goes to the bathroom He drops a captain's log
My pizza delivery guy asked me for a tip today So I told him to always wash his hands after using the bathroom.
You are a 'merican when you go into the bathroom, and you are a 'merican when you leave it. But when you are inside the bathroom, you're a 'peein.
When I'm naked in the bathroom The shower usually gets turned on
A blonde calls the front desk of her hotel in a panic.
"Help! I'm trapped in my room!" she says. "How do I get out?"
The clerk at the front desk says, "just go out the door."
"I tried," she says "but one just leads to the bathroom, and the other has a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on it!"
A comedian walks into a bathroom It's a comic relief.
A child comes out of the bathroom and sees his mother baking a cake
"Mommy, can I lick the bowl?"
"No sweetie, you have to flush like everyone else!"
In the physics department's bathroom There is a stall that has graffiti on the wall. The graffiti reads "Werner Heisenberg may have been here."
What are you when you're going to the bathroom?
Russian. What are you when you're in the bathroom?
If you enter the bathroom Russian, and you leave the bathroom Finnish, what are you in the bathroom? European
How do you know when the Kremlin has diarrhea? They're rushin' pootin' to the bathroom.
A German is in the bathroom
Someone knocks on the door.
"Are you peein?"
"No," the German responds, "European."
Amanda: Fred, honey, in your bathroom I found two towels, one with a letter A embroidered on it and another with an F. How thoughtful of you! I used the one with an A, because F is for Fred… Fred: F is for face.
My wife was in the bathroom
My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go out when finally the door swung open and she said, "Honestly, do I look fat in this".
I replied, "Yes love, but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom"
Did you know that your nationality changes when you go to the bathroom?
When you go in there, American (or whatever nationality you are)
When you come out of there, American
But when you are in there, European
What nationality are you in the bathroom? I bet your Russian to the bathroom but in there European.
If you're Russian when you enter the bathroom what are you? European
If you're Russian when you go into the bathroom and you're Finnish when you come out, what are you when you're in the bathroom? European
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom? Linoleum Blown Apart.
My girlfriend left me because i'm too insecure. No wait, she's back. She just went to the bathroom.
If you're Russian to the bathroom, but American when you come out, what are when you're inside the bathroom? European.
I've never seen a royal flush. Then again, I've never been in the Queen's bathroom.
The WiFi was down in the morning. Discovered that the bathroom had 42 tiles.
I saw graffiti in a bathroom that said: "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because I DID YOUR DAD!"
Underneath someone replied:
"Go home mom. You're drunk."
My friend killed himself the other day... swallowed everything in his bathroom cabinet. He choked on a tampon
A women noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach
"Ha! That's not going to help", she said
"Sure, it does", he said.
"It's the only way I can see the numbers."
Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because they're dead
What did the leader of Russia say when someone knocked on the bathroom door? Leave me alone Im Putin
You go to the bathroom Russian. You come out American. What are you while you're in the bathroom? European.
I hate restaurants that have quirky and confusing ways of displaying men and woman bathroom signs. I mean, what am I?!? Am I a kitchen or an exit?
Where do cheeses go to the bathroom? In a Parma-John.
I dropped a pencil in the bathroom. I guess you can say I dropped a number 2.
What can't you hear a pterodactyl go the bathroom? Because the P is silent...
Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl use a bathroom? The p is silent.
How does Sherlock Holmes go to the bathroom? OC By process of elimination.
What do you call a French bathroom with a bomb in it? Linoleum Blownapart
Why can't you hear the pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
If you're American when you go in the bathroom and American when you get out. What are you while you're in the bathroom? European!
How do you know genital anatomy was designed by an idiot? No one else would put the bathroom right next to the snack bar.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? because the 'p' is silent.