Romantic Jokes

Contents

Funniest Romantic Jokes

Some consider Romeo and Juliet a tale of true romantic love... But only if you consider 2 underage kids in a relationship that lasted 3 days causing 2 suicides and 3 murders romantic...

Funny Romantic Jokes

Never get into a romantic relationship with a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.

Don’t ever get into a romantic relationship with a tennis player... Love means nothing to them.

What is the definition of stalking? When two people takes a long, romantic walk on the beach, but only one of them knows about it

Why is 2 such a romantic number? Because it's <3

I want a girl who likes long romantic walks Because I don't have a car or money

The Princess Bride is bull When Wesley spends five years building up an immunity to iocane powder, it's romantic and we should idolize him.

But when I do it with rum, I'm an "alcoholic who needs to pay his goddamn child support."

What do you call a clown that gives you flowers? A Romantic Jester!

I hope my girlfriend enjoys long, romantic walks... ...because I don't have a car.

My life is like a romantic comedy... except there's no romance and I'm the only one who laughs at my jokes.

What's more romantic than roses on a piano? Tulips on an organ.

Difference between Romantic and Horror Movie After watching a romantic one, you look for your teddy to hug.
After watching a horror one, your teddy starts looking at you

What was the romantic with a foot fetish looking for? a sole mate

It was really romantic to see an 85 year old man and 77 year old woman who were a couple for 65 years. It was horrifying when I did the math.

My wife left me because she believes I live in constant denial Tonight we'll have a romantic dinner celebrating our 5th year anniversary

Why can't Donald Trump and Melania have a romantic getaway in Mexico? He always wants to take the kids.

What is it called when two tectonic plates have a romantic relationship? Subduction!

After a romantic dinner, a couple cuddled up for some discussion Husband: Am I the only one you've been with?
Wife: Yeah, the rest were eight or nine

When on a first date you should always carve your initials together on something. It's the most romantic way to show them you have a knife.

Stalking is when two people are going for a romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it

Etiquette rule #381: When on a romantic date with a lady, you feel the need to use the bathroom, excuse yourself by saying: Excuse me, I need to go shake hands with a dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to later tonight.

An Inkling kept making romantic advances towards me. I guess she was trying to woomy.

I like a girl who loves romantic long walks.... because I don't have a car or money.

Having some romantic time with yo girl when she asks you to go deeper But you run out of poems.

want a smart girl, a nice girl, a romantic girl. But most importantly, I want these women to never meet.

My girlfriend said I don't know how to be romantic So I yelled "DEUS VULT!" and invaded Gaul. Proved her wrong

One time, I carried out an entire conversation with a man by speaking to him in Spanish while he spoke to me in Italian It was the most romantic conversation I've ever had

A Hot Romance While watching a romantic movie, my wife leans over and whispers in my ear "I want you to make me sweaty and wet." So I shut off the fan.

Kiss in the neck can be a sweet, romantic gesture not sure why everybody in the bus is freaking out

romantic comedy about middle aged people playing tennis 40-love

"I'm gonna steal her heart.." Is not that romantic when you say it during a surgery.

Husband and wife are having a romantic dinner Wife: I love you so much! I can't live without you!
Husband: Is that you or the wine talking?
Wife: It's me... talking to the wine.

Was starting to get romantic with a woman last night As usual I began crying uncontrollably. After getting home it took forever to wash the pepper spray off.

Some people say 69 is gross... I call it a romantic dinner for two.

In a world controlled by AI and machines, two satellites decide to get married... ...Well the wedding wasn't too romantic but that reception was amazing!

John: My friend Charlie has stolen my girlfriend's number from my mobile 2 days ago. Harry: What happened then?

John: Charlie Has been sending romantic texts to his own sister since last 2 days.

Roses are red, Violets are blue Sunflowers are yellow

I bet you were expecting something romantic but no, this us just gardening facts

Tom cruise is going to star in a romantic movie about trying to stay aroused long enough to get his wife pregnant. It's called 'emission impossible'

Wherever you are, if you need a romantic evening, call 180-LONG. It's the International Date Line.

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New Romantic Jokes

Pucker up is a old romantic saying. But theres nothing romantic about your doctors saying it when your bent over...


Even worse if his pants are down.

I met my wife at a night club... - Wow! How romantic!

- Oh, can't be more romantic than that! I thought she was home with kids sleeping.

When this crisis is over and you had to choose between a night out drinking with your mates or a romantic dinner with your wife.. Which pub will you be drinking in ?

Why can’t the amputee develop romantic feelings for someone? Because he couldn’t catch feels.

Superbowl romantic poetry Get another vodka dont forget the lime
Maybe we can fool around during halftime.

Why was Steve Easterbrook pushed out of a job? People caught him clowning around.



>!For those of you who don’t know, Steve Easterbrook was the McDonald’s CEO until people caught him having a romantic relationship with a subordinate.!<

Did you hear about the pirate who wrote a romantic song about his rowboat? “Love me tender.”

They call me a hopeless romantic Because I’ll never find love

Stalking is just taking long romantic walks with the one you love... But only one of you knows about it.

I thought it would be romantic to take my girlfriend back to where we first met for our anniversary. So I took her back to daycare.

Two Alabamans decide to end their romantic relationship. One says to the other, "Let's just be siblings."

Recently, I've been getting worried about the number of posts I've seen about people's romantic lives with their SO... I'm glad to say I now know 'SO' does not mean 'Superior Officer'.

I asked the librarian if they had any books about romantic proposals. She said yes.



(oc)

What do romantic fish sing to each other? Salmon-chanted evening.

What did the Romantic Hurricane say to the sheep covered volcano? Eye Lava Ewe

Playing bidge is a bit like being in a romantic relationship You either need a very good partner, or a very good hand.

Got the check after a nice romantic dinner And my date **expects** me to pay the bill just because we're married

I've recently written a romantic comedy It's about a guy and a girl - *classic.*

Initially, they hate each other - *classic.*

But they end up in bed together - *classic!*

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It's called: "The Rapist"

Girlfriend says I am not romantic enough. So, now I have 2 girlfriends.

Get something romantic today for that special person in your life! And uh. Don't forget to get something for your spouse too.

A MAN GOES INTO THE POSTCARD SHOP Guy goes into the shop, and asks the attendant:

"Do you have those postcards that say "For the only true love of my life?"

"Of course sir", she answers with a smile. What a romantic guy!

"Great. Give me 9, please!"

I gave my girlfriend a last kiss goodbye I think its romantic but it made her funeral really awkward.

Did you hear the one about the two romantic light bulbs? They went out!

That got dark quick.

After 30 years of marriage, people always ask, "What's the secret of keeping the romance alive?" I always tell them... We go to the same romantic restaurant every week, twice a week...

I go on Tuesday. She goes on Fridays.

Credit - Henny Youngman

I came out to my girlfriend as a hetroromantic asexual. She said I could work on the romantic part.

Im living a romantic comedy Everyone is finding true love while my love life itself is a joke

Are you a romantic man? Yes. When my wife comes home late, I turn on the candles, let the place fill up with nice and warm water and throw in some soap.

So she can immediately start doing the dishes.

LPT - While stargazing on a romantic evening, never say this to your wife: Uranus is a gas giant.

Why is the eel considered the most romantic animal? Because its a moray.

What did Mr. Potato Head give Mrs. Potato Head on their romantic night out? A good fingerling.

Being romantic as an awkward mathematician is hard... I called my girlfriend 1/cos(c) to try and compliment her but I don't think she caught my drift. Can't blame her though, that's a triggy one.

Romantic Gesture My girlfriend and I walked by an Indian restaurant today, she remarked how delicious it smelled. Feeling like doting on her I asked if she wanted a treat. She said yes, so I walked her by it again.

I'm interested in this girl who only dates Catholic guys... ... I guess you could call me a pope-less romantic

Have I told you lately... ...is the least romantic line a toll-collector ever said to his girlfriend.

Recently, a bunch of people have developed a fetish for letting their romantic partner intentionally spike their drink with roofies. They call it Cos-play.

What did the hopeless romantic baker say to the dough? You're my life's devotion. I knead you!

Candlelight is romantic until... Candlelight is romantic until she realizes your electricity has been shut off.

A long, romantic kiss... and then - She: I think I swallowed your gum.

He: No, I just cleared my throat.

Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together... but only one of them knows about it.

An owl decided to make romantic advances towards another owl. To wit, to woo.

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Long Romantic Jokes

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.


"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.


"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.


"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"


"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me".


The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.


Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.


"What are you doing?" he asked.


"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.


"Needs ironing"...

A man brings home flowers to his wife

A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She's so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.

Her husband confused looks down and goes "What's that for?"

His wife replies "For the flowers of course"

He thinks for a moment and asks "Don't we have a vase?"

HUSBANDS FOR SALE !!!

A store that sells husbands has just opened,
where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the floors.

There is, however, a catch ..

You may choose any man from a particular floor,
or you may choose to go up a floor,

but, you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6: You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your steps as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

A wife texts her husband

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

The 1st floor sign reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and The sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and The sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Middle age texting

The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I'm on the toilet. Please advise.

The difference between men and women

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie, she accepts, and they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty... scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and..........

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that... it's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.

There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work. "Yes," he says. Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks. "Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

~ Dave Barry

The Husband Store

So a new store opened up in town where women can go and find the love of their lives. There are some rules though:

1. You can only shop once. Ever.
2. The quality of the 'merchandise' increases as you go up a floor (there are 6 floors total)
3. You can choose any product from any floor, but once you go up a floor you cannot come back to the previous floor.

So one day a group of friends decide to give this place a visit. Once they go into the first floor of the store, they are greeted with a sign that says:

WELCOME TO THE FIRST FLOOR: All the men here are average-looking and have no jobs.

The girls just laugh and proceed to the second floor.

WELCOME TO THE SECOND FLOOR: All the men here are good-looking and have decent paying jobs.

The girls go 'That's nice, but let's see what else they've got'. So they proceed to the next floor.

WELCOME TO THE THIRD FLOOR: All the men here are good-looking, have decent paying jobs and are excellent in bed.

'Now we're talking!' shout the girls in excitement. 'But we still have three more floors to go, let's see what else they've got' So they proceed to the next floor.

WELCOME TO THE FOURTH FLOOR: All the men here are extremely good-looking, have high-paying jobs so you won't have to work a day in your life, are excellent in bed and they absolutely love kids.

The girls cannot contain their excitement and have half a mind to go into this door but the idea of two more floors is just too enticing. So they proceed to the next floor.

WELCOME TO THE FIFTH FLOOR: All the men here are extremely good-looking, have high-paying jobs so you won't have to work a day in your life, are excellent in bed, they absolutely love kids, are super romantic and they will never be unfaithful.

Now the girls are just absolutely squealing and are about to go thru this door when they remember there's still one more floor. 'What could be better than this? Remember we can't ever come back if we leave' they think. But curiosity gets the best from them. So they proceed to the next floor.

WELCOME TO THE SIXTH FLOOR: There are no men here. This floor is here just as proof that women are impossible to please. You are the 31,428,474th visitor of this floor. Thank you for shopping with us!

BONUS:

They opened a Wife Store next door with the same rules:

1. You can only shop once. Ever.
2. The quality of the 'merchandise' increases as you go up a floor (there are 6 floors total)
3. You can choose any product from any floor, but once you go up a floor you cannot come back to the previous floor.

FIRST FLOOR: All the women here won't nag you a day in your life.

To this day, nobody knows what's in the second floor.

The husband store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in town, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.


'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband...

On each floor the signs on the doors read:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,261,496,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


Credit: I read this in the Porcupine Press UP Magazine and haven't seen it on here before so looked it up to share with all of you! FYI (Michigan) porcupine press is a great magazine/newspaper for the cabin, I hope it gets some attention as they don't turn alot of business being in the upper Peninsula and all.

A woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have good jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have good jobs and are attractive.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have good jobs and are attractive and love kids.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have good jobs and are attractive and love kids and help with the housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have good jobs and are attractive and love kids and help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Mother Walks In On Her Daughter-In-Law. Then Responds With This.

A woman stops by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocks on the door then immediately walks in.

She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music is playing, candles are lit, and the aroma of perfume fills the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asks.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in- law explains.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaims. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law anwers. "Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me and wants me to wear this dress. It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and can't get enough of me!"

The mother-in-law leaves, inspired by what she has learned.

When the mother-in-law gets home, she undresses, showers, puts on her best perfume, dims the lights, puts on a romantic CD, and lays on the couch, expectantly awaiting her husband. Finally, her husband comes home. He walks in and sees her lying there provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asks. "This is my love dress," she whispers sensually. "Needs ironing," he says. "What's for dinner?"

He never heard the gunshot.

Husband Superstore

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands.

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."
"Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went."

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!"

So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f**king impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."

A wife texted her husband

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!" The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

A plane made an emergency landing on water

A plane made an emergency landing on water. The stewardess asked the passengers to slide down to the lifeboats, but the passengers refused.

The stewardess then asked the captain to help. The captain, being very knowledgeable and experienced, guided her - “You tell the Americans this is an ADVENTURE. Tell the British this is an HONOUR. Tell the French this is a ROMANTIC activity, and tell the Germans this is the LAW. Tell the Japanese this is an ORDER, and everyone will be sorted out.”

The stewardess remembered the flight had some passengers from India and Singapore too. “What about them”, she asked.

The captain laughed. “Easy. Just tell the Indians this activity is FREE.”

“And what about the Singaporeans?”, she persisted.

The captain, taking a deep breath, patiently explained -
“You need not tell the SIngaporeans anything, my dear. Once they see a QUEUE, they will join it without questions."

Husband Shopping

Two women go to this new store to shop for a husband. As they enter, they are informed that they can open a door on any floor they want, but if they go up a floor, they cannot go back and must move forward. On the first floor, the see a sign that says, "These men, have high paying jobs and love children." One looks at the other and says, "That's better than not having a job or hating kids, but let's see what's further up..." Second floor has a sign that says, "These men have high paying jobs, are good looking and love kids." The women share a look of excitement, but decide to move on. Third floor says, "These men have high paying jobs, are EXTREMELY good looking, love kids, and help around the house." One woman almost opens the door, but her friend says, "Let's see what's further up!" Fourth floor sign says, "These men have high paying jobs, are EXTREMELY good looking, love kids, help around the house and have a strong romantic streak." They paused as the considered the caveat once more. "There's one more floor," one of the women says, "Let's see what's further up!". Fifth floor sign says, "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to satisfy. Please exit the building and have a nice day."

edit: the double please was bothering me

The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they must abide by the following instructions:

“You may visit this store only once. There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!”

So, a woman goes to “The Husband Store” to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men have jobs, and love kids.


The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men have jobs, love kids, and love God.


The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids, love God, and are extremely good looking.


“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, love God, are drop-dead gorgeous and help with the housework.


“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims. “I can hardly believe it!” Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, love God, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Good-bye.

The cursed Prince. This summer's best love story.

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch.

The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year.

However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words (this was before the time of letter writing or sign language).

One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love.
With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say, "my darling,"

But, at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).

But, at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So, he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds.

Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily,


"My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"


And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said,


"Pardon?"

Snails

A husband and wife have been at odds with each other over the husband's endless drinking and stopping out late. To get their marriage back on track, the wife decides to make a romantic french dinner with Snails to start so she sends her husband out saying 'right, please can you buy me these snails from town, be back home soon and, for god's sake, stay out of the pub!'.

The Husband obliges and after buying the snails, decides he's probably be okay just to stop by the pub only for a quick drink. Well, one leads to another, and another and another and before long it's well past dinner time. Looking at his watch he quickly realises he should have been back hours ago, panicking he dashes home and throws all the snails across the garden path. His wife greets him at the door looking furious saying 'Where on earth have you been!?' to which the husband responds 'Come on Lads! We're almost there!'.

Mixed Signals

Ben is sitting at home reading a magazine or something, I dunno, and his phone rings. He answers, "Hey, who's this?"

"Sup, Ben. It's Frank," is the reply.

B: "Hey, what's up, man?"

F: "Listen, I need some relationship advice. Can you help me?"

B: "Sure."

F: "Cool, thanks. Anyway, I've been seeing this girl lately. I'm really starting to like her, but I don't know what she's thinking. She's giving me mixed signals."

B: "How so?"

F: "Well, she said that she 'loved me like a brother.'"

B: "That seems pretty clear to me. She obviously just doesn't have a romantic attraction to you."

F: "Yeah, well that's the thing: she's from Kentucky."

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