My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry I'll return.
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.
H: Pistol, 3 letters.
H: Disgust, 3 letters.
H: Charity, 4 letters.
H: Female sheep, 3 letters
H: Pixar movie, 2 letters
My wife left me because I'm too insecure.
No wait, she's back.
She just went to make a cup of tea.
I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No." I responded, "How about now?"
My wife left me because I’m insecure and paranoid. Edit: Nevermind. She was just getting the mail.
Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job? The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.
(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
Edit: wow this blew up!
thanks for the gold!!!
Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's" I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!” “I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”
My wife said she wanted just one child of each gender I told her "how about just one boy and one girl? I don't want to contribute to overpopulation."
My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.
“You’re coming home now!” she screamed.
“No, I’m not,” I laughed.
She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”
My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz
After my wife died I couldn’t look at women for 20 years But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it
My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died. Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.” Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.
My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends...
So I told her she was the only one I had been with!
The others were all eights and nines.
My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
Edit: Thank you, children. It would appear I've peaked as a father.
My actual son will be devastated.
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection. I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
**Wife:** whatever means necessary.
**Me:** No it doesn't.
My wife found out i was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding... She got so mad and said she’s never gonna play scrabble with me ever again
My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection... You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.
When my dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while... Then I remembered...................me and my wife have different dentists…
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.
I replied, "Yes just once."
The doctor asked, "What was it like?"
I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection. She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns
My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old. Until she checked the freezer.
An angry wife says to her husband " I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!" The husband responds "you would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country"
An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?" The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
My wife cheated on me with the garbage man I asked her how she could do such a thing and she said "He actually pays attention to me, he takes me out!" I replied, "That's because it's his job, honey."
At breakfast, a man asked his wife “What would you do I if won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half, and then leave you.” “Great,” he said “ I won $12 yesterday. Here’s $6. Stay in touch.
The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it. They gave me another one, free of charge.
My wife left me because I am too insecure. Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.
I asked my boss "what's the difference between your wife and tomorrow?"
"I'm not coming in tomorrow"
Haven't seen this one here so if it's been posted before I'm sorry
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful. I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
My wife was in labour and started shouting "Wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't, didn't, can't!" "Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"
The creator of Mad Libs died this week. His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful. I just need to work out if that’s my wife or my girlfriend
German joke translated, hope you get it: "Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."
"But since when is Thomas your best friend?"
My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school. So I punched him & stole his lunch money.
I got a vasectomy so my wife wouldn't get pregnant. But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby
I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night
When the wife said to me,
“You spoil those dogs.”
I just asked the wife to get into her nurses uniform. She said why? are you feeling horny? I said no we need bread!
My wife called me at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, I replied, "No..." She responded, "How about now?"
Yesterday I purchased a world map...gave my wife a dart and said to her "throw this and wherever it lands, I'm taking you for a holiday". Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
I threw my wife a surprise bukakke party. It was a big success. Everyone came. You should have see her face.
I think my family is racist
I've been nervous for weeks, but I finally decided to introduce them to my Spanish girlfriend
My kids refused to talk to her and my wife started crying and told me to pack my things
A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk...
His wife was up waiting for him...
"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled
He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."
A Guy sat next to me on the train and pulled a out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
I said, "If you think she is beautiful, you should see my missus mate.
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's an optician!"
I just saw my wife walk around with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing. It’s laundry day.
Told my wife that I’m really getting into Beyonce. She said ‘whatever floats your boat’. I said ‘no, that’s buoyancy’.
Why was Melania so excited when Donald Trump became president Because she can call herself the first lady instead of the third wife
I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say... Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.
Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer. Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.
My wife said she would rather commit suicide than have dementia
She said she would never want to place that burden on me..
I said, honey that's the fifth time you've told me that.
I asked my wife why she married me. She said “Because you are funny.” I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.” She said “See? You’re hilarious!”
Husband says to his wife "what would you do if I won the lottery?"
She replied "I'd take the half and leave you."
"great" he said,
"I won 12$, here's 6$, stay in touch."
I called my wife at work and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?” Sounding concerned, she replied, “No!” I said, “How about now?”
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.” I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...
Electrician gets home late... Electrician didn't get home until after 2am. His wife asked "Wire you insulate?" He replied, "Watts it to you, I'm ohm, aren't I?"
My wife accused me of hating all of her relatives. I told her "That is not true, intact I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it
So we went out and had some drinks.
Wants to be a web developer.
I'm really worried about my parrot. He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life". my wife is too selfish to notice. She's always crying.
I bought my wife a Pug as a present. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.
I asked my Wife “Am I the only one you’ve been with?” “Yes... but I’ve had some sevens and eights.” She replied.
Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
I came across 6 men beating up my mother in law. My wife asked "aren't you going to help?" I said no. Six should be enough.
A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.”
The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”
The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”