My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry I'll return.
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.
H: Pistol, 3 letters.
H: Disgust, 3 letters.
H: Charity, 4 letters.
H: Female sheep, 3 letters
H: Pixar movie, 2 letters
My wife left me because I'm too insecure.
No wait, she's back.
She just went to make a cup of tea.
I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No." I responded, "How about now?"
My wife left me because I’m insecure and paranoid. Edit: Nevermind. She was just getting the mail.
Wife: “I’m pregnant.”
Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.”
Wife: “No you’re not.”
Husband: I have cheated once
Husband: I have cheated once
Wife: me too.
husband: 1st of Apriii....
Wife: 18th of June
My wife left me because I am insecure
No wait, she's back.
She just went to get coffee.
Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job? The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife? Nothing, he's gladiator.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...
Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!
(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
Edit: wow this blew up!
thanks for the gold!!!
My wife is turning 32 soon...
I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”
“What are you talking about?” she asked.
I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”
Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's" I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
My wife said she wanted just one child of each gender I told her "how about just one boy and one girl? I don't want to contribute to overpopulation."
My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.
“You’re coming home now!” she screamed.
“No, I’m not,” I laughed.
She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”
After my wife died I couldn’t look at women for 20 years But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it
My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died. Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.” Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.
My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends...
So I told her she was the only one I had been with!
The others were all eights and nines.
I proposed to my ex-wife today She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife... Happy Mother's Day!
My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
Edit: Thank you, children. It would appear I've peaked as a father.
My actual son will be devastated.
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection. I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
My wife found out i was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding... She got so mad and said she’s never gonna play scrabble with me ever again
What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife. Nothing, he's Gladiator.
When my dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while... Then I remembered...................me and my wife have different dentists…
How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat? She fits in your wife’s clothes
An angry wife says to her husband " I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!" The husband responds "you would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country"
My wife looked at herself in the mirror and said to me...
'All I see is a fat, ugly woman, can you say something nice about me to make me feel better'
'Of course' I replied 'Your eyesight is perfect'
I always keep a picture of my wife and children in my wallet. It reminds me why there's no money in there.
A pirate's wife asks him what body part he'd be most okay with losing
The pirate thinks and replies, "my spine!"
"Why?" says his wife, a little surprised
"Because it's holding me back!"
My wife told me I'm not allowed to impersonate a flamingo anymore... I had to put my foot down
I told my wife she had to buy me a fathers day present. I mean, why should I suffer just because she had a miscarrage?
Why did the popular kittens not want to hang out with the kitten with a prosthesis? [OC]
It was an obvious faux paw.
^Credit: ^My ^wife's ^a ^dork.
I text my wife tonight, "Honey, I'm going to stay in the bar another hour with my friends for another pint..." "...if I'm not back in an hour then read this message again."
I got a vasectomy but my wife still got pregnant Apparently all it does is change the color of the baby
I told my wife a joke when I got home. And then heard the guy under the bed laughing.
A husband and wife are sitting in a bar.
They see a man downing beer across the room.
The wife says: "He proposed to me ten years ago, and I said no."
The husband responds: "And he's still celebrating!"
How do you address a Hippie's Wife? Mississippi.
How’s do you know your girlfriend is getting fat? She fits in your wife’s clothes.
I got a new motorcycle for my wife It was a great trade
My wife told me she would leave me if I didn’t stop making making Shrek memes. At first I thought she was kidding. And then I saw her face.
I got a new cell phone for my wife... Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
A husband and wife have a tif.
Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”
What do a redneck and his wife have in common? DNA
My wife was in labor with our daughter
My wife was in labor with our daughter, everything was going well until she started shouting
"Shouldn't! Couldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't! Can't!".
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"
"Nothing, she is just having contractions."
For years, I've suspected my wife of adding soil to my garden and when I asked her about it, she just giggled and shrugged... The plot thickens...
What did the jedi tell his ex wife? May divorce be with you.
A wife begins to question the faith of her husband.
Wife: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Husband: "You're Both."
Wife: "What do you mean?"
Husband: "You're pretty ugly."
An engineer wakes up one morning and goes downstairs. He sees a note an the fridge from his wife. It read “This isn’t working. I’m at my mother’s.” He opened the fridge and discovered it was working just fine.
"There'd be no wars." "If women ruled the world," said my wife with confidence. I replied,"That's true, wars require strategy and logic."
A husband was sitting next to his wife while she was eating. He heard his phone's message tone coming from the kitchen. He went to the kitchen and read a message from his wife saying "Please bring the salt on your way back."
My wife starts conersations in the weirdest way..... "You weren't even listening were you?"
I got a vasectomy but my wife still got pregnant. Apparently all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.
My wife got angry with me for opening a door for her. It almost made me lose control of the car.
i just got a bike for my wife it was a good trade.
"We're going to be together for the rest of our lives!" smiled my wife as we flew on our dream vacation to Hawaii...
"You seem pretty sure of yourself." I replied.
"I am!" she said, gazing out the window. "The left wing's fallen off and the engine's on fire."
I asked my wife if a second woman could come in bed with us She asked who the first was
A programmer is heading to the store
A programmer is heading to the store and gets a text from his wife:
While you are out, buy some eggs
He never returned.
"Honey, let's make this an awesome weekend, shall we?" Says a man to his wife.
"Sure", she responds
"Great, I'll see you on Monday!"
I was telling my wife about how diabetes runs in my family. She told me, "Don't be silly, nobody runs in your family."
A programmer’s wife sends him to the store and says “get some bread, and
while you’re there pick up some eggs.”
The programmer never returns.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend and side chick are both pregnant... ...and you realize you have to tell your wife.
Sitting next to my wife today, I said "I love you",
She replied "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I answered "It's me... Talking to the beer"
When I found out my wife was cheating on me, I was devastated. I turned to religion to cope. Now I'm Muslim and we're stoning her tomorrow.
I saw two lesbians kissing in the park.
"There's a time and a place for that," I told my wife.
She said, "Yeah..."
I said, "It's 9pm and my house."
A man asks his wife on a Friday evening...
Husband: Shall we have a nice weekend?
Wife: Sure, why not?
Husband: Ok then, see you on Monday!
My wife and I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went But then it dawned on us.
An old man goes back to bed ... And asks his wife " does the light in our bathroom turn on and off automatically ", she replies with "No why?", the old man sighs and says "well.... I'm going to buy a new fridge tomorrow"
My wife asked me what her favorite type of flower was. Apparently "All-Purpose" wasn't the correct answer.
So my wife's wallet got stolen 6 months ago... ...and all her credit cards are in it but I haven't reported it to the police yet because the thieves are spending less than she does!!!
My wife saw her ex high school boyfriend, drunk in the street. She said he started drinking when she broke up with him after graduation decades ago. I said.... ....Impressive. .. I've never seen anyone celebrate that long before.
The wife and I were trying to spice things up in the bedroom... so now I cumin her every thyme.
My wife called me on Valentine's Day
She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous."
I said, "Well that's probably why they've received flowers then."
I thought getting a vasectomy would stop my wife from getting pregnant Turns out it just changes the colour of the baby
I thought my secret vasectomy would just keep my wife from getting pregnant, but sometimes...... ... it just changes the color of the baby.
Right now, my wife has a smoking hot bod... The ash scattering ceremony starts at 2:00 PM.
A couple is lying in bed. The husband says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."The wife replies,... ..."I'll miss you."
I said to my wife's mother "when you're dead, I'll dance in your grave." she said: "Good, I'm being buried at sea."
My wife always freaks out when she's on her period Keep having to tell her to stop ovary acting.
My wife told me I should spice things up in the bedroom. So I decided to cumin her mouth.
A guy walks into a bar and says, "I'm going to shoot whoever slept with my wife"! A man shouts from the back, "You don't got enough bullets, bud"!
A Software Programmer is going to the store.....
His wife says "get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen."
The guy comes back with 12 loaves of bread.
His wife says "why did you get so much bread?"
He says, "they had eggs.
I heard the latest statistic that 1 in 3 people cheat on their significant others
that means either my wife or my girlfriend is cheating on me.
I met the love of my life through an online dating site Too bad my wife found out
My wife told me she wanted to see a huge diamond for her birthday So I took her to a baseball game
So a man is at an airport.
He approaches the Customs officer, passport in hand.
The customs officer looks it over and says, "So is this trip business or pleasure?"
The man sighs. "Neither. Im meeting my wife."
A husband and wife went on a road trip. They were driving by some plains when they sighted some wild pigs. The wife jokingly asked her husband," Are those relatives of yours?" Too which the husband replies," Yup! Those are my in-laws!"
A programmer gets home one day...
...and finds his wife crying. "Ever since we got married you've avoided this question. Now I want an answer: Do you really love me or did you just marry me so you won't be alone?"
So he replies: "Yes".
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says "Doctor, you gotta help me, my wife thinks she's a piano..."
The doc replies, "Well, bring her in and I'll see what I can do."
The man says, "Are you nuts!? Do you know how much it costs to move a piano??"
My wife's starsign was Cancer, which is quite ironic really, thinking about how she died... she was attacked by a giant crab
My wife finally shaved her pubes I can see her knees again.
Have you ever wondered whether it is your dog or your wife who is your real friend?
Yes? Well if you have, just try this experiment...
Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?
A man buys his wife a beautiful diamond ring for xmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
THE 5 Secrets to a perfect marriage
1. Have a wife who is a great Cook
2. Have a wife who is great at cleaning
3. Have a wife who is a monster in bed
4. Have a wife who is great with your kids.
5. Make sure those 4 women NEVER MEET.
I got a puppy for my daughter and a fur coat for my wife... ...best two trades I ever made.
For valentine's day, I got a new car for my wife I thought that was an awesome trade
A guy is having a drink with his wife.....
A man is sitting at home on the veranda having drinks with his wife and he says, “I love you.”
She asks, “Is that you or the beer talking?”
He replies, “It’s me….. talking to the beer.”