My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry I'll return.
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.
H: Pistol, 3 letters.
H: Disgust, 3 letters.
H: Charity, 4 letters.
H: Female sheep, 3 letters
H: Pixar movie, 2 letters
My wife left me because I'm too insecure.
No wait, she's back.
She just went to make a cup of tea.
I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No." I responded, "How about now?"
My wife left me because I’m insecure and paranoid. Edit: Nevermind. She was just getting the mail.
Wife: “I’m pregnant.”
Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.”
Wife: “No you’re not.”
Husband: I have cheated once
Husband: I have cheated once
Wife: me too.
husband: 1st of Apriii....
Wife: 18th of June
My wife left me because I am insecure
No wait, she's back.
She just went to get coffee.
Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job? The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife? Nothing, he's gladiator.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...
Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!
(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
Edit: wow this blew up!
thanks for the gold!!!
My wife is turning 32 soon...
I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”
“What are you talking about?” she asked.
I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”
Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's" I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
My wife said she wanted just one child of each gender I told her "how about just one boy and one girl? I don't want to contribute to overpopulation."
My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.
“You’re coming home now!” she screamed.
“No, I’m not,” I laughed.
She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”
After my wife died I couldn’t look at women for 20 years But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it
My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died. Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.” Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.
My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends...
So I told her she was the only one I had been with!
The others were all eights and nines.
I proposed to my ex-wife today She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife... Happy Mother's Day!
My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
Edit: Thank you, children. It would appear I've peaked as a father.
My actual son will be devastated.
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection. I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
My wife found out i was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding... She got so mad and said she’s never gonna play scrabble with me ever again
What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife. Nothing, he's Gladiator.
When my dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while... Then I remembered...................me and my wife have different dentists…
How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat? She fits in your wife’s clothes
An angry wife says to her husband " I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!" The husband responds "you would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country"
The wife and I decided we don't want children. We're telling them tomorrow.
Donald Trump is the next President but... The biggest winner is Melania Trump. She can now call herself The First Lady instead of The Third Wife.
My wife told me to go an get some pills that help with an erection... You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.
My wife gave me some bad news today
"But," she said, "I bought your favorite soy sauce to help cheer you up."
"Great," I said. "Just Kikkoman when he's down, huh?"
I'm very soy for that pun. I'll just wok away now.
My wife said she is leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants... Guess I won't be needing those anymore.
Wife asked me to get "bath stuff" for xmas. Hope she likes her toaster.
My Wife wore a "Vaccines cause autism" shirt
She was insulted, punched and spit on
Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!
My wife just accused me of being a transvestite. So I packed her things and left!!
After my vasectomy I thought I couldn't get my wife pregenant Apparently it just changes the color of the baby
My wife just screamed at me, “You haven’t been listening to a single word I’ve said!” What a weird way to start a conversation
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked me, "Do you ever get a shooting pain in your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Concerned, I said, "No"
She responded "How about now?!"
I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant
I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant.
Apparently, all it does is change the color of the baby.
My wife just yelled at me because she says I never buy her flowers I'm really confused because I didn't even know she **sold** flowers!
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year she bought them. It’s an extremely rare dish order.
My wife found out I was cheating and broke up with me I didn't know Monopoly was such a big deal for her.
I got a new motorcycle for my wife It was a great trade
My wife challenged me to strip poker, but I soon realized she just wanted to do laundry. So I folded.
My wife left me to become an astronaut... she needed Space
I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant... But apparently it just changes the color of the baby
What do a pro soccer player and a great wife have in common? They both know how to lay down and fake it.
My wife and I've been happily married for 3 years. Today is our 10th anniversary.
My wife just left me. She thinks I’m too paranoid. Edit: False alarm, she was just getting the mail.
Statistics say the in relationships, 1 out of every 3 people is unfaithful Now I just need to figure out if that’s my wife or my girlfriend
A husband and wife have a tif.
Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”
My wife said it was "crazy and impossible" when I told her I wanted to make a car out of spaghetti... You should have seen her face as I drove pasta!
I was gutted today when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine... She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school...
A wife begins to question the faith of her husband.
Wife: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Husband: "You're Both."
Wife: "What do you mean?"
Husband: "You're pretty ugly."
"There'd be no wars." "If women ruled the world," said my wife with confidence. I replied,"That's true, wars require strategy and logic."
My wife was in labor for so long... It felt like a maternity
A wife was dreaming... Suddenly she wakes up and yells "Quick get out my husband's home!" her husband hurriedly wakes up and jumps out the window.
My wife asked me for a divorce for Valentine’s Day I told her I wasn’t planning on spending that much.
I was disappointed to find out a vasectomy doesn’t prevent you from getting your wife pregnant. It just changes the color of the baby. :(
I suggested my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back.. Apparently it was an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
I’ve been searching for two years to find my wife’s killer So far, nobody will take the job.
I walked into my boss's office and handed him a pear...
"What's this for? he asked.
I replied, "A raise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."
Wife asked me what am I doing
Me: Killing Mosquitos
Wife: How many have you killed?
Me: Total 5. 2 Female and 3 Male
Wife: How did you know their gender?
Me: Three were near my beer bottle and two near my wallet
My wife asked if I would divorce her if I won the lottery. I said no, of course. With that kind of money, I could afford a hit man.
A programmer is heading to the store
A programmer is heading to the store and gets a text from his wife:
While you are out, buy some eggs
He never returned.
My wife died and I won the lottery. The genie says I have one wish left.
What's the difference between a hooker, a girlfriend and a wife? A hooker says "that's all", a girlfriend says "is that all?" and a wife says "blue. I think I'll paint the ceiling blue."
"Honey, let's make this an awesome weekend, shall we?" Says a man to his wife.
"Sure", she responds
"Great, I'll see you on Monday!"
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though the wife thinks it's weird.... I don't see why, I think it makes a great hat!
My wife threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at my head Don't worry though, my wounds were just super-fish-oil
My wife looked at herself in the mirror and said to me...
'All I see is a fat, ugly woman, can you say something nice about me to make me feel better'
'Of course' I replied 'Your eyesight is perfect'
I was telling my wife about how diabetes runs in my family. She told me, "Don't be silly, nobody runs in your family."
Every time it rains I find my wife standing at the window, looking kind of sad. Maybe I should let her inside.
A cockroach's last words to a husband: "Go ahead, kill me coward. You are just jealous I will make your wife scream more than you do when I climb her."
What did Donald Trump say to his wife Melania in the voting booth? Don't copy Michelle on this one.
Sitting next to my wife today, I said "I love you",
She replied "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I answered "It's me... Talking to the beer"
Husband: What would you do if i won the lottery?
Wife: I'd take half and leave.
Husband: Well here's $6 and you can start packing anytime now.
My wife always tells me that I treat my kid unfair. I don't even know which one she means. Thomas, Carl or the fat and ugly one?
My wife and I were lying in bed the other day...
My hands were slowly finding their way across her body.
I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world."
She whispered back, "I'll miss you."
I told the wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
My wife is like a new credit card. 0% interest for 12 months.
An old man goes back to bed ... And asks his wife " does the light in our bathroom turn on and off automatically ", she replies with "No why?", the old man sighs and says "well.... I'm going to buy a new fridge tomorrow"
A man, his sister and his wife walk into the voting booth to vote for Donald Trump. They've both given it a lot of thought.
My wife is a computer geek and wants to name our son "one eighth of a byte" So I said "Really honey? Don't you think that's a bit...?"
A married couple were fighting... ...when they drove past a farm full of pigs. The husband then asked his wife, "Family of yours?" The wife looked at the pigs, then replied, "Yea, in-laws."
I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?" It was met with a stony silence... I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
A programmers wife asks him to go to the grocery
She says "Get a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get 12."
The programmer returns with 12 gallons of milk.
A Software Programmer is going to the store.....
His wife says "get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen."
The guy comes back with 12 loaves of bread.
His wife says "why did you get so much bread?"
He says, "they had eggs.
I met the love of my life through an online dating site Too bad my wife found out
So a man is at an airport.
He approaches the Customs officer, passport in hand.
The customs officer looks it over and says, "So is this trip business or pleasure?"
The man sighs. "Neither. Im meeting my wife."
A programmer gets home one day...
...and finds his wife crying. "Ever since we got married you've avoided this question. Now I want an answer: Do you really love me or did you just marry me so you won't be alone?"
So he replies: "Yes".
Why did the popular kittens not want to hang out with the kitten with a prosthesis? [OC]
It was an obvious faux paw.
^Credit: ^My ^wife's ^a ^dork.
Have you ever wondered whether it is your dog or your wife who is your real friend?
Yes? Well if you have, just try this experiment...
Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?
My butcher introduced me to his wife the other day...
He brought her out and said,
I got a puppy for my daughter and a fur coat for my wife... ...best two trades I ever made.
For valentine's day, I got a new car for my wife I thought that was an awesome trade
A guy is having a drink with his wife.....
A man is sitting at home on the veranda having drinks with his wife and he says, “I love you.”
She asks, “Is that you or the beer talking?”
He replies, “It’s me….. talking to the beer.”