My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry I'll return.
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.
H: Pistol, 3 letters.
H: Disgust, 3 letters.
H: Charity, 4 letters.
H: Female sheep, 3 letters
H: Pixar movie, 2 letters
My wife left me because I'm too insecure.
No wait, she's back.
She just went to make a cup of tea.
I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No." I responded, "How about now?"
My wife left me because I’m insecure and paranoid. Edit: Nevermind. She was just getting the mail.
Wife: “I’m pregnant.”
Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.”
Wife: “No you’re not.”
Husband: I have cheated once
Husband: I have cheated once
Wife: me too.
husband: 1st of Apriii....
Wife: 18th of June
My wife left me because I am insecure
No wait, she's back.
She just went to get coffee.
Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job? The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife? Nothing, he's gladiator.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...
Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!
(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
Edit: wow this blew up!
thanks for the gold!!!
My wife is turning 32 soon...
I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”
“What are you talking about?” she asked.
I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”
Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's" I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
My wife said she wanted just one child of each gender I told her "how about just one boy and one girl? I don't want to contribute to overpopulation."
My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.
“You’re coming home now!” she screamed.
“No, I’m not,” I laughed.
She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”
After my wife died I couldn’t look at women for 20 years But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it
My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died. Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.” Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.
My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends...
So I told her she was the only one I had been with!
The others were all eights and nines.
I proposed to my ex-wife today She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife... Happy Mother's Day!
My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
Edit: Thank you, children. It would appear I've peaked as a father.
My actual son will be devastated.
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection. I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
My wife found out i was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding... She got so mad and said she’s never gonna play scrabble with me ever again
What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife. Nothing, he's Gladiator.
When my dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while... Then I remembered...................me and my wife have different dentists…
How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat? She fits in your wife’s clothes
An angry wife says to her husband " I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!" The husband responds "you would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country"
An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?" The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
"If women ruled the world," said my wife, "there'd be no wars." "That's true," I replied. "Wars require strategy and logic."
My wife left me because I am too insecure. Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.
The creator of Mad Libs died this week. His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.
I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife… But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.
So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.
A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it." The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."
My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men.
So I told her to sit down and shut up.
She couldn't do either!
The wife caught me cross-dressing So I packed her things and left
My wife left a note on the fridge saying, "This isn't working, goodbye." I opened the refrigerator and it works just fine. Weird.
The wife and I decided we don't want children. We're telling them tomorrow.
My Wife wore a "Vaccines cause autism" shirt
She was insulted, punched and spit on
Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!
My wife told me to go an get some pills that help with an erection... You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.
I don’t always kiss my wife goodbye when I leave the house... But I always kiss my house goodbye when I leave my wife!
A old man was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.
"Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herbert, "It's hundreds of them!"
A man tells his wife before he goes to bed, "I'm gonna go get your aspirin"
The wife says, "Aspirin? I don't have a headache."
"Ah, HAH!!" The man exclaimed
Wife: I used to be a Christian.
Husband: Well that's fine by me
Wife: Thanks, I'm much happier being a Christine now!
Wife: You're shirtless?
Wife: And covered in...oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
Wife: Listen. You never listen.
Just another dad joke
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I'm pregnant
HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad
WIFE: Second: No you're not
My girlfriend thinks I'm cheating on her, and I'm getting tired of it. She sounds just like my wife
Wife: You're shirtless?
Wife: And also covered in.. oil?
Me: Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
Wife: Listen! you never listen.
My wife was wondering why she was so itchy I asked why she pronounced it with a silent "B"
I tried to re-marry my ex-wife. But she figured out I was only after my money.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure. No wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of tea.
I lied about my age
A 60 yr old Billionaire came to the Bar with his gorgeous 25 yr old wife!
Friend: "How did she marry you?"
Billionaire: "I lied about my age!"
Friend: "You said 45?"
Billionaire: "No! I told her I was 90"
I'm taking my wife for skydiving. So if you see a solar eclipse today, don't be surprised.
My wife laughed when I said I still have the body of a 25 year old. Until I showed it to her in the freezer.
My wife screamed in pain during labor...
"What's wrong, honey?" I asked.
"*What's wrong*!?" she screamed. "These contractions are going to kill me!!"
"I am sorry, babe," I replied. "*What is* wrong?"
My wife made me promise to stop making stupid jokes So I got a vasectomy
If there's anything my wife has taught me about being sexist, It's probably wrong because she's a woman.
My wife caught me cross dressing last night. So I packed her things and left
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her that she was starting to sound like my wife.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?", she replied.
"No, the regular kind."
My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce.... We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
Husband: "I want a divorce...
My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months"
Lawyer: "Think about it once again.Wives like that are hard to find."
My wife asked what panties i wanted her to wear on our date, i said i preferred [Removed]
After my wife died I couldn’t look at a woman for twenty years. But when I got out of prison it was totally worth it.
My dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex…
We laughed about it for a while.
Then I remembered me and my wife have different dentists…
Found my wife's G Spot lastnight! Turns out her sister had it the whole time!
Me: Yesterday my wife ran away with my best friend Mark.
Another friend: Since when was Mark your best friend?
Me: Since yesterday.
My wife accused me of cheating I said you're starting to sound like my girlfriend
I haven't spoken to my wife in nearly a year. I don't like to interrupt her.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.... We went and had a few drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web developer.
If a man with a foot fetish cheats on his wife... Does that mean he got off on the wrong foot?
My wife said we needed to childproof our upright piano, so it wouldn't fall over on our toddler... ... I said that was a good idea, because I wouldn't want a flat minor.
My wife accuses me of favoritism over my children, which is not true. I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
My wife left me because I’m too insecure.
No wait, she's back.
She just went to make some coffee.
My wife told me to go to the doctor and get those pills that "help" with an erection... You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.
My wife gave me some bad news today
"But," she said, "I bought your favorite soy sauce to help cheer you up."
"Great," I said. "Just Kikkoman when he's down, huh?"
I'm very soy for that pun. I'll just wok away now.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she's been giving me lately.
Just got a bike for my wife. It was a good trade.
I was watching my wife try on outfits; I said, you know what you looked best in? 1996.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite. So I packed her stuff and left.
Today, me and my wife had a .69 It would have been a hundred times better without the period.
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: Windows frozen, won't open.
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap the edges with a hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
is my wife ashamed of my body? a tiny part of me says yes.
My wife has a body of a 12 year old.. She keeps it in the fridge.
Last night my wife and I did it "doggy-style"... I sat up and begged, and she rolled over and played dead.
If my wife made a dollar for every sexist joke I make She'd be $.77 richer right now
I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant.. Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.
My wife said she wanted to feel special this Valentines Day. So I bought her a helmet and some crayons.
A man cheats with his wife's sister
Man: Calm down! You haven't heard my side of the story!
Wife: You slept with my sister!
Man: When i got to work she was just laying there naked on my table! What was I supposed to do?!
Wife: The autopsy!
PS: Didnt make this up
Wife asked me to get "bath stuff" for xmas. Hope she likes her toaster.
Apparently 1 out of 3 people cheat in a relationship I just don't know whether it's my wife, or girlfriend.
I told my wife she was applying her eyebrows too high She looked surprised.
I just found out my wife has an identical twin I saw her on Tinder.
My wife said she is leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants... Guess I won't be needing those anymore.
My wife left me for an Indian guy I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
A wife asks her husband "Honey, how many women have you slept with?" The husband replies, "Only you sweetie. I was awake for all the other ones "
My wife just accused me of being a transvestite. So I packed her things and left!!