Wife Jokes


Funniest Wife Jokes

Funny Wife Jokes
Score: 24421

My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry I'll return.

Score: 23170

Husband doing crossword with his wife Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

Score: 21999

My wife left me because I'm too insecure. No wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

Score: 21887

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No." I responded, "How about now?"

Score: 21881

My wife left me because I’m insecure and paranoid. Edit: Nevermind. She was just getting the mail.

Score: 21609

Wife: “I’m pregnant.” Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.”

Wife: “No you’re not.”

Score: 21210

Husband: I have cheated once Husband: I have cheated once

Wife: me too.

husband: 1st of Apriii....

Wife: 18th of June

Score: 19421

My wife left me because I am insecure No wait, she's back.
She just went to get coffee.

Score: 18854

Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job? The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.

Score: 18729

What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife? Nothing, he's gladiator.

Score: 17902

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife... Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!

Score: 17668

(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

Edit: wow this blew up!
thanks for the gold!!!

Score: 17402

My wife is turning 32 soon... I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

Score: 16911

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's" I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

Score: 16624

My wife said she wanted just one child of each gender I told her "how about just one boy and one girl? I don't want to contribute to overpopulation."

Score: 16352

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. “You’re coming home now!” she screamed.

“No, I’m not,” I laughed.

She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”

Score: 16323

After my wife died I couldn’t look at women for 20 years But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it

Score: 15892

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died. Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

Score: 15858

My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.” Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

Score: 15725

My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends... So I told her she was the only one I had been with!

The others were all eights and nines.

Score: 15199

I proposed to my ex-wife today She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money

Score: 15059

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife... Happy Mother's Day!

Score: 14816

My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils... But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Edit: Thank you, children. It would appear I've peaked as a father.
My actual son will be devastated.

Score: 14722

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection. I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

Score: 14313

My wife found out i was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding... She got so mad and said she’s never gonna play scrabble with me ever again

Score: 14062

What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife. Nothing, he's Gladiator.

Score: 13829

When my dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while... Then I remembered...................me and my wife have different dentists…

Score: 13577

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat? She fits in your wife’s clothes

Score: 13072

An angry wife says to her husband " I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!" The husband responds "you would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country"

Score: 13025

An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?" The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

Score: 12896

"If women ruled the world," said my wife, "there'd be no wars." "That's true," I replied. "Wars require strategy and logic."

Score: 12159

My wife left me because I am too insecure. Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.

Score: 11841

The creator of Mad Libs died this week. His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.

Score: 10881

I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife… But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.

Score: 10775

So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.

Score: 10115

A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it." The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."

Score: 9806

My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

Score: 9229

The wife caught me cross-dressing So I packed her things and left

Score: 8290

My wife left a note on the fridge saying, "This isn't working, goodbye." I opened the refrigerator and it works just fine. Weird.

Score: 8090

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New Wife Jokes

The wife and I decided we don't want children. We're telling them tomorrow.

Score: 7636

My Wife wore a "Vaccines cause autism" shirt She was insulted, punched and spit on

Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!

Score: 673

My wife told me to go an get some pills that help with an erection... You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

Score: 7222

I don’t always kiss my wife goodbye when I leave the house... But I always kiss my house goodbye when I leave my wife!

Score: 420

A old man was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone. "Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herbert, "It's hundreds of them!"

Score: 456

A man tells his wife before he goes to bed, "I'm gonna go get your aspirin" The wife says, "Aspirin? I don't have a headache."
"Ah, HAH!!" The man exclaimed

Score: 1555

Wife: I used to be a Christian. Husband: Well that's fine by me
Wife: Thanks, I'm much happier being a Christine now!

Score: 554

Wife: You're shirtless? (husband nods)

Wife: And covered in...oil?

-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?

Wife: Listen. You never listen.


Score: 3504

Just another dad joke WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I'm pregnant

HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad

WIFE: Second: No you're not

Score: 3229

My girlfriend thinks I'm cheating on her, and I'm getting tired of it. She sounds just like my wife

Score: 616

Wife: You're shirtless? Me: Yes

Wife: And also covered in.. oil?

Me: Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?

Wife: Listen! you never listen.

Me: Ohhh

Score: 1548

My wife was wondering why she was so itchy I asked why she pronounced it with a silent "B"

Score: 721

I tried to re-marry my ex-wife. But she figured out I was only after my money.

Score: 774

My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure. No wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of tea.

Score: 3071

I lied about my age A 60 yr old Billionaire came to the Bar with his gorgeous 25 yr old wife!

Friend: "How did she marry you?"

Billionaire: "I lied about my age!"

Friend: "You said 45?"

Billionaire: "No! I told her I was 90"

Score: 2184

I'm taking my wife for skydiving. So if you see a solar eclipse today, don't be surprised.

Score: 3633

My wife laughed when I said I still have the body of a 25 year old. Until I showed it to her in the freezer.

Score: 2116

My wife screamed in pain during labor... "What's wrong, honey?" I asked.

"*What's wrong*!?" she screamed. "These contractions are going to kill me!!"

"I am sorry, babe," I replied. "*What is* wrong?"

Score: 4924

My wife made me promise to stop making stupid jokes So I got a vasectomy

Score: 1401

If there's anything my wife has taught me about being sexist, It's probably wrong because she's a woman.

Score: 1114

My wife caught me cross dressing last night. So I packed her things and left

Score: 877

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her that she was starting to sound like my wife.

Score: 614

I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today." "Which doctor?", she replied.

"No, the regular kind."

Score: 3972

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce.... We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

Score: 6086

Husband: "I want a divorce... My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months"

Lawyer: "Think about it once again.Wives like that are hard to find."

Score: 711

My wife asked what panties i wanted her to wear on our date, i said i preferred [Removed]

Score: 505

After my wife died I couldn’t look at a woman for twenty years. But when I got out of prison it was totally worth it.

Score: 590

My dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex… We laughed about it for a while.

Then I remembered me and my wife have different dentists…

Score: 1913

Found my wife's G Spot lastnight! Turns out her sister had it the whole time!

Score: 645

Me: Yesterday my wife ran away with my best friend Mark. Another friend: Since when was Mark your best friend?

Me: Since yesterday.

Score: 786

My wife accused me of cheating I said you're starting to sound like my girlfriend

Score: 901

I haven't spoken to my wife in nearly a year. I don't like to interrupt her.

Score: 799

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.... We went and had a few drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web developer.

Score: 566

If a man with a foot fetish cheats on his wife... Does that mean he got off on the wrong foot?

Score: 493

My wife said we needed to childproof our upright piano, so it wouldn't fall over on our toddler... ... I said that was a good idea, because I wouldn't want a flat minor.

Score: 584

My wife accuses me of favoritism over my children, which is not true. I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

Score: 817

My wife left me because I’m too insecure. No wait, she's back.

She just went to make some coffee.

Score: 853

My wife told me to go to the doctor and get those pills that "help" with an erection... You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.

Score: 1747

My wife gave me some bad news today "But," she said, "I bought your favorite soy sauce to help cheer you up."

"Great," I said. "Just Kikkoman when he's down, huh?"

I'm very soy for that pun. I'll just wok away now.

Score: 1759

I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she's been giving me lately.

Score: 460

Just got a bike for my wife. It was a good trade.

Score: 1336

I was watching my wife try on outfits; I said, you know what you looked best in? 1996.

Score: 1045

My wife accused me of being a transvestite. So I packed her stuff and left.

Score: 636

Today, me and my wife had a .69 It would have been a hundred times better without the period.

Score: 1081

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: Windows frozen, won't open. Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap the edges with a hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

Score: 494

is my wife ashamed of my body? a tiny part of me says yes.

Score: 2843

My wife has a body of a 12 year old.. She keeps it in the fridge.

Score: 917

Last night my wife and I did it "doggy-style"... I sat up and begged, and she rolled over and played dead.

Score: 431

If my wife made a dollar for every sexist joke I make She'd be $.77 richer right now

Score: 1002

I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant.. Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.

Score: 5690

My wife said she wanted to feel special this Valentines Day. So I bought her a helmet and some crayons.

Score: 1159

A man cheats with his wife's sister Man: Calm down! You haven't heard my side of the story!

Wife: You slept with my sister!

Man: When i got to work she was just laying there naked on my table! What was I supposed to do?!

Wife: The autopsy!

PS: Didnt make this up

Score: 1822

Wife asked me to get "bath stuff" for xmas. Hope she likes her toaster.

Score: 1262

Apparently 1 out of 3 people cheat in a relationship I just don't know whether it's my wife, or girlfriend.

Score: 423

I told my wife she was applying her eyebrows too high She looked surprised.

Score: 1344

I just found out my wife has an identical twin I saw her on Tinder.

Score: 845

My wife said she is leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants... Guess I won't be needing those anymore.

Score: 1295

My wife left me for an Indian guy I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

Score: 2442

A wife asks her husband "Honey, how many women have you slept with?" The husband replies, "Only you sweetie. I was awake for all the other ones "

Score: 511

My wife just accused me of being a transvestite. So I packed her things and left!!

Score: 639

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