My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry I'll return.
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.
H: Pistol, 3 letters.
H: Disgust, 3 letters.
H: Charity, 4 letters.
H: Female sheep, 3 letters
H: Pixar movie, 2 letters
My wife left me because I'm too insecure.
No wait, she's back.
She just went to make a cup of tea.
I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No." I responded, "How about now?"
My wife left me because I’m insecure and paranoid. Edit: Nevermind. She was just getting the mail.
Wife: “I’m pregnant.”
Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.”
Wife: “No you’re not.”
Husband: I have cheated once
Husband: I have cheated once
Wife: me too.
husband: 1st of Apriii....
Wife: 18th of June
My wife left me because I am insecure
No wait, she's back.
She just went to get coffee.
Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job? The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife? Nothing, he's gladiator.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...
Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!
(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
Edit: wow this blew up!
thanks for the gold!!!
My wife is turning 32 soon...
I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”
“What are you talking about?” she asked.
I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”
Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's" I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
My wife said she wanted just one child of each gender I told her "how about just one boy and one girl? I don't want to contribute to overpopulation."
My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.
“You’re coming home now!” she screamed.
“No, I’m not,” I laughed.
She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”
After my wife died I couldn’t look at women for 20 years But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it
My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died. Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.” Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.
My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends...
So I told her she was the only one I had been with!
The others were all eights and nines.
I proposed to my ex-wife today She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife... Happy Mother's Day!
My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
Edit: Thank you, children. It would appear I've peaked as a father.
My actual son will be devastated.
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection. I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
My wife found out i was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding... She got so mad and said she’s never gonna play scrabble with me ever again
What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife. Nothing, he's Gladiator.
When my dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while... Then I remembered...................me and my wife have different dentists…
How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat? She fits in your wife’s clothes
An angry wife says to her husband " I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!" The husband responds "you would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country"
My wife said she is leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants... Guess I won't be needing those anymore.
After my vasectomy I thought I couldn't get my wife pregenant Apparently it just changes the color of the baby
My wife just screamed at me, “You haven’t been listening to a single word I’ve said!” What a weird way to start a conversation
My wife looked at herself in the mirror and said to me...
'All I see is a fat, ugly woman, can you say something nice about me to make me feel better'
'Of course' I replied 'Your eyesight is perfect'
So, i wanted to know what my weight was.
'Holding your belly in is not gonna make you lighter' my wife said.
But how am i supposed to see the numbers?
I accidentally gave my wife super glue instead of Chapstick She's still not talking to me.
I suggested my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back.. Apparently it was an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
A couple was having a conversation, when...
...the husband turns to his wife and tells her: "I bet you can't say one thing that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
The wife thinks about it for a second and then replies: "Yours is bigger than your friends'."
My wife died and I won the lottery. The genie says I have one wish left.
I told my wife she had to buy me a fathers day present. I mean, why should I suffer just because she had a miscarrage?
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked me, "Do you ever get a shooting pain in your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Concerned, I said, "No"
She responded "How about now?!"
How do you address a Hippie's Wife? Mississippi.
My wife found out I was cheating and broke up with me I didn't know Monopoly was such a big deal for her.
I got a new motorcycle for my wife It was a great trade
My wife challenged me to strip poker, but I soon realized she just wanted to do laundry. So I folded.
I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant... But apparently it just changes the color of the baby
My wife and I've been happily married for 3 years. Today is our 10th anniversary.
A husband and wife have a tif.
Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”
My wife said it was "crazy and impossible" when I told her I wanted to make a car out of spaghetti... You should have seen her face as I drove pasta!
My wife is a world famous pornstar. She was furious when she found out.
I’ve been looking for 3 years to find my wife’s killer..... I still haven’t found anyone to do it
A wife begins to question the faith of her husband.
Wife: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Husband: "You're Both."
Wife: "What do you mean?"
Husband: "You're pretty ugly."
"There'd be no wars." "If women ruled the world," said my wife with confidence. I replied,"That's true, wars require strategy and logic."
A wife was dreaming... Suddenly she wakes up and yells "Quick get out my husband's home!" her husband hurriedly wakes up and jumps out the window.
I kept my wife at home in the kitchen all day today, baking I hope the police don't look in the oven
A husband was sitting next to his wife while she was eating. He heard his phone's message tone coming from the kitchen. He went to the kitchen and read a message from his wife saying "Please bring the salt on your way back."
My wife starts conersations in the weirdest way..... "You weren't even listening were you?"
I think my family might be racist I bought my black girlfriend over to meet them, and my wife wouldn't even talk to her
My wife got angry with me for opening a door for her. It almost made me lose control of the car.
i just got a bike for my wife it was a good trade.
A man and wife see a drunk guy
“Ah, look at Patrick.” says the wife.
“Who’s Patrick?” says the husband.
“The drunk guy, you know, we were a couple 10 years ago and he proposed to me back then. But I rejected him.”
“Good to see he’s still celebrating.”
I told my friend we should go out and pick up some chicks
He asked, "What about your wife?"
I replied "Nah, she's married"
I asked my wife if a second woman could come in bed with us She asked who the first was
My wife asked if I would divorce her if I won the lottery. I said no, of course. With that kind of money, I could afford a hit man.
A programmer is heading to the store
A programmer is heading to the store and gets a text from his wife:
While you are out, buy some eggs
He never returned.
So my family and I go past a nursing home... There are balloons on the sign. My wife says "maybe someone had a birthday", my daughter says "maybe it's for a fundraiser", and then my son says "maybe someone they didn't like died and they are celebrating"
If a muslim hits his wife... Is it considered domestic violence or child abuse?
"Honey, let's make this an awesome weekend, shall we?" Says a man to his wife.
"Sure", she responds
"Great, I'll see you on Monday!"
My wife threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at my head Don't worry though, my wounds were just super-fish-oil
I was told a vasectomy would prevent my wife and I from having a baby... Turns out it just turns the baby black.
Why did the Mexican man push his wife off of a cliff? Tequila.
Wife: Can my husband come in with me?
Wife: Can my husband come in with me?
Doctor: Don't worry I'm a respected doctor.
Wife: But my husband isn't, and he's staying out there alone with your secretary.
I was telling my wife about how diabetes runs in my family. She told me, "Don't be silly, nobody runs in your family."
An alien asked me to take him to my leader... ...so do I take him to the president, my wife, or my cat???
A cockroach's last words to a husband: "Go ahead, kill me coward. You are just jealous I will make your wife scream more than you do when I climb her."
A guy is having a beer with his wife says:
You are my dream, my angel, my love. I don't know what I would do without you. I love you.
The wife says 'is that you talking or is it the beer'?
Husband says: It's me talking to the beer.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend and side chick are both pregnant... ...and you realize you have to tell your wife.
Sitting next to my wife today, I said "I love you",
She replied "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I answered "It's me... Talking to the beer"
Husband: What would you do if i won the lottery?
Wife: I'd take half and leave.
Husband: Well here's $6 and you can start packing anytime now.
My wife always tells me that I treat my kid unfair. I don't even know which one she means. Thomas, Carl or the fat and ugly one?
My wife and I were lying in bed the other day...
My hands were slowly finding their way across her body.
I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world."
She whispered back, "I'll miss you."
I told the wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
My wife is like a new credit card. 0% interest for 12 months.
An old man goes back to bed ... And asks his wife " does the light in our bathroom turn on and off automatically ", she replies with "No why?", the old man sighs and says "well.... I'm going to buy a new fridge tomorrow"
A man, his sister and his wife walk into the voting booth to vote for Donald Trump. They've both given it a lot of thought.
I said to my wife's mother "when you're dead, I'll dance in your grave." she said: "Good, I'm being buried at sea."
My credit card was stolen today I don't think I'm gonna do anything about it. So far he's spending way less than my wife does.
My wife asked for the broom... And I said, "Why? Are you going somewhere?"
A programmers wife asks him to go to the grocery
She says "Get a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get 12."
The programmer returns with 12 gallons of milk.
Do you know how to tell when your girlfriend is getting fat? When she fits in your wife's clothing.
A Software Programmer is going to the store.....
His wife says "get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen."
The guy comes back with 12 loaves of bread.
His wife says "why did you get so much bread?"
He says, "they had eggs.
I heard the latest statistic that 1 in 3 people cheat on their significant others
that means either my wife or my girlfriend is cheating on me.
I met the love of my life through an online dating site Too bad my wife found out
My wife told me she wanted to see a huge diamond for her birthday So I took her to a baseball game
So a man is at an airport.
He approaches the Customs officer, passport in hand.
The customs officer looks it over and says, "So is this trip business or pleasure?"
The man sighs. "Neither. Im meeting my wife."
A programmer gets home one day...
...and finds his wife crying. "Ever since we got married you've avoided this question. Now I want an answer: Do you really love me or did you just marry me so you won't be alone?"
So he replies: "Yes".
My wife's starsign was Cancer, which is quite ironic really, thinking about how she died... she was attacked by a giant crab
A man buys his wife a beautiful diamond ring for xmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
Every time I go on vacation my wife.. gets pregnant, so this year I am taking her with me.
A guy is having a drink with his wife.....
A man is sitting at home on the veranda having drinks with his wife and he says, “I love you.”
She asks, “Is that you or the beer talking?”
He replies, “It’s me….. talking to the beer.”