My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry I'll return.
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.
H: Pistol, 3 letters.
H: Disgust, 3 letters.
H: Charity, 4 letters.
H: Female sheep, 3 letters
H: Pixar movie, 2 letters
My wife left me because I'm too insecure.
No wait, she's back.
She just went to make a cup of tea.
I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No." I responded, "How about now?"
My wife left me because I’m insecure and paranoid. Edit: Nevermind. She was just getting the mail.
Wife: “I’m pregnant.”
Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.”
Wife: “No you’re not.”
Husband: I have cheated once
Husband: I have cheated once
Wife: me too.
husband: 1st of Apriii....
Wife: 18th of June
My wife left me because I am insecure
No wait, she's back.
She just went to get coffee.
Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job? The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife? Nothing, he's gladiator.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...
Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!
(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
Edit: wow this blew up!
thanks for the gold!!!
My wife is turning 32 soon...
I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”
“What are you talking about?” she asked.
I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”
Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's" I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
My wife said she wanted just one child of each gender I told her "how about just one boy and one girl? I don't want to contribute to overpopulation."
My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.
“You’re coming home now!” she screamed.
“No, I’m not,” I laughed.
She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”
After my wife died I couldn’t look at women for 20 years But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it
My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died. Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.” Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.
My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends...
So I told her she was the only one I had been with!
The others were all eights and nines.
I proposed to my ex-wife today She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife... Happy Mother's Day!
My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
Edit: Thank you, children. It would appear I've peaked as a father.
My actual son will be devastated.
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection. I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
My wife found out i was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding... She got so mad and said she’s never gonna play scrabble with me ever again
What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife. Nothing, he's Gladiator.
When my dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while... Then I remembered...................me and my wife have different dentists…
How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat? She fits in your wife’s clothes
An angry wife says to her husband " I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!" The husband responds "you would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country"
my wife finally agreed to a threesome, on the condition that she picks the girl i replied "nah, honey, i'm gonna pick both of them"
My wife just accused me of being a transvestite. So I packed her things and left!!
My wife looked at herself in the mirror and said to me...
'All I see is a fat, ugly woman, can you say something nice about me to make me feel better'
'Of course' I replied 'Your eyesight is perfect'
So, i wanted to know what my weight was.
'Holding your belly in is not gonna make you lighter' my wife said.
But how am i supposed to see the numbers?
I accidentally gave my wife super glue instead of Chapstick She's still not talking to me.
I suggested my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back.. Apparently it was an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
A couple was having a conversation, when...
...the husband turns to his wife and tells her: "I bet you can't say one thing that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
The wife thinks about it for a second and then replies: "Yours is bigger than your friends'."
My wife died and I won the lottery. The genie says I have one wish left.
In honor of 3/14... TIL the man who discovered Pi had his wife, Edith, leave him over his obsession with math. Which just goes to show you, you can't have your Pi and Edith too.
I told my wife she had to buy me a fathers day present. I mean, why should I suffer just because she had a miscarrage?
How do you address a Hippie's Wife? Mississippi.
I got a new motorcycle for my wife It was a great trade
I got a new cell phone for my wife... Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
A husband and wife have a tif.
Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”
My wife was in labor with our daughter
My wife was in labor with our daughter, everything was going well until she started shouting
"Shouldn't! Couldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't! Can't!".
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"
"Nothing, she is just having contractions."
For years, I've suspected my wife of adding soil to my garden and when I asked her about it, she just giggled and shrugged... The plot thickens...
What did the jedi tell his ex wife? May divorce be with you.
A wife begins to question the faith of her husband.
Wife: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Husband: "You're Both."
Wife: "What do you mean?"
Husband: "You're pretty ugly."
An engineer wakes up one morning and goes downstairs. He sees a note an the fridge from his wife. It read “This isn’t working. I’m at my mother’s.” He opened the fridge and discovered it was working just fine.
"There'd be no wars." "If women ruled the world," said my wife with confidence. I replied,"That's true, wars require strategy and logic."
I told my wife a joke when I got home. And then heard the guy under the bed laughing.
A husband was sitting next to his wife while she was eating. He heard his phone's message tone coming from the kitchen. He went to the kitchen and read a message from his wife saying "Please bring the salt on your way back."
My wife starts conersations in the weirdest way..... "You weren't even listening were you?"
My wife got angry with me for opening a door for her. It almost made me lose control of the car.
i just got a bike for my wife it was a good trade.
A man and wife see a drunk guy
“Ah, look at Patrick.” says the wife.
“Who’s Patrick?” says the husband.
“The drunk guy, you know, we were a couple 10 years ago and he proposed to me back then. But I rejected him.”
“Good to see he’s still celebrating.”
I told my friend we should go out and pick up some chicks
He asked, "What about your wife?"
I replied "Nah, she's married"
I asked my wife if a second woman could come in bed with us She asked who the first was
My wife asked if I would divorce her if I won the lottery. I said no, of course. With that kind of money, I could afford a hit man.
A programmer is heading to the store
A programmer is heading to the store and gets a text from his wife:
While you are out, buy some eggs
He never returned.
"Honey, let's make this an awesome weekend, shall we?" Says a man to his wife.
"Sure", she responds
"Great, I'll see you on Monday!"
My wife threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at my head Don't worry though, my wounds were just super-fish-oil
I was told a vasectomy would prevent my wife and I from having a baby... Turns out it just turns the baby black.
Wife: Can my husband come in with me?
Wife: Can my husband come in with me?
Doctor: Don't worry I'm a respected doctor.
Wife: But my husband isn't, and he's staying out there alone with your secretary.
I was telling my wife about how diabetes runs in my family. She told me, "Don't be silly, nobody runs in your family."
An alien asked me to take him to my leader... ...so do I take him to the president, my wife, or my cat???
A cockroach's last words to a husband: "Go ahead, kill me coward. You are just jealous I will make your wife scream more than you do when I climb her."
A guy is having a beer with his wife says:
You are my dream, my angel, my love. I don't know what I would do without you. I love you.
The wife says 'is that you talking or is it the beer'?
Husband says: It's me talking to the beer.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend and side chick are both pregnant... ...and you realize you have to tell your wife.
Sitting next to my wife today, I said "I love you",
She replied "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I answered "It's me... Talking to the beer"
Husband: What would you do if i won the lottery?
Wife: I'd take half and leave.
Husband: Well here's $6 and you can start packing anytime now.
My wife always tells me that I treat my kid unfair. I don't even know which one she means. Thomas, Carl or the fat and ugly one?
When I found out my wife was cheating on me, I was devastated. I turned to religion to cope. Now I'm Muslim and we're stoning her tomorrow.
My wife saw her ex high school boyfriend, drunk in the street. She said he started drinking when she broke up with him after graduation decades ago. I said.... ....Impressive. .. I've never seen anyone celebrate that long before.
The wife and I were trying to spice things up in the bedroom... so now I cumin her every thyme.
I thought getting a vasectomy would stop my wife from getting pregnant Turns out it just changes the colour of the baby
Right now, my wife has a smoking hot bod... The ash scattering ceremony starts at 2:00 PM.
My wife's starsign was cancer, which makes how she died pretty ironic. Attacked by a giant crab.
I text my wife tonight, "Honey, I'm going to stay in the bar another hour with my friends for another pint..." "...if I'm not back in an hour then read this message again."
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met!
A Software Programmer is going to the store.....
His wife says "get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen."
The guy comes back with 12 loaves of bread.
His wife says "why did you get so much bread?"
He says, "they had eggs.
So a man is at an airport.
He approaches the Customs officer, passport in hand.
The customs officer looks it over and says, "So is this trip business or pleasure?"
The man sighs. "Neither. Im meeting my wife."
I haven't talked to my wife in 8 months... I didn't want to interrupt
A husband and wife went on a road trip. They were driving by some plains when they sighted some wild pigs. The wife jokingly asked her husband," Are those relatives of yours?" Too which the husband replies," Yup! Those are my in-laws!"
A programmer gets home one day...
...and finds his wife crying. "Ever since we got married you've avoided this question. Now I want an answer: Do you really love me or did you just marry me so you won't be alone?"
So he replies: "Yes".
Why did the popular kittens not want to hang out with the kitten with a prosthesis? [OC]
It was an obvious faux paw.
^Credit: ^My ^wife's ^a ^dork.
A guy calls up his wife's doctor...
and asks "Is there any way you can tighten things up down there, cuz she's getting a little loose?"
The doctor says "Have you ever thought of using the other hole?"
The guy says "Are you crazy? I could get her pregnant!"
A newlywed Asian couple are on the first night of their honeymoon and have saved it for marriage
The husband says to his wife, "What do you want to do? We can try anything you want."
The wife says, "I want 69."
The husband replies, "You want beef with broccoli?"
my wife is alot like pandora radio she is always asking me if I am still listening
A man asks his wife
* Husband: Honey, how many men have you slept with?
* Wife: 30....
* Husband: I wish you'd have been a virgin when I married you.
* Wife: I was.
Have you ever wondered whether it is your dog or your wife who is your real friend?
Yes? Well if you have, just try this experiment...
Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?
A man buys his wife a beautiful diamond ring for xmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
THE 5 Secrets to a perfect marriage
1. Have a wife who is a great Cook
2. Have a wife who is great at cleaning
3. Have a wife who is a monster in bed
4. Have a wife who is great with your kids.
5. Make sure those 4 women NEVER MEET.
I got a puppy for my daughter and a fur coat for my wife... ...best two trades I ever made.
What happens if you play a country song backward? You get your house back, your dog back, your wife back, and you sober up.
My wife fell down a wishing well... I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
The wife was screaming at her Husband:
"Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.
As he was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
He turned around and replied "So, now you want me to stay?”
Today I told my wife our daughter is a little angel. It was much easier than telling her that she's dead.
For valentine's day, I got a new car for my wife I thought that was an awesome trade
A guy is having a drink with his wife.....
A man is sitting at home on the veranda having drinks with his wife and he says, “I love you.”
She asks, “Is that you or the beer talking?”
He replies, “It’s me….. talking to the beer.”