Wife Jokes

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Funniest Wife Jokes

Funny Wife Jokes

My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry I'll return.

Husband doing crossword with his wife Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

My wife left me because I'm too insecure. No wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No." I responded, "How about now?"

My wife left me because I’m insecure and paranoid. Edit: Nevermind. She was just getting the mail.

My wife left me because I am insecure No wait, she's back.
She just went to get coffee.

Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job? The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.

(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

Edit: wow this blew up!
thanks for the gold!!!

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's" I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!” “I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

My wife said she wanted just one child of each gender I told her "how about just one boy and one girl? I don't want to contribute to overpopulation."

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. “You’re coming home now!” she screamed.

“No, I’m not,” I laughed.

She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz

After my wife died I couldn’t look at women for 20 years But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died. Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.” Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends... So I told her she was the only one I had been with!

The others were all eights and nines.

My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils... But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Edit: Thank you, children. It would appear I've peaked as a father.
My actual son will be devastated.

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection. I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?" **Wife:** whatever means necessary.

**Me:** No it doesn't.

My wife found out i was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding... She got so mad and said she’s never gonna play scrabble with me ever again

My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection... You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

When my dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while... Then I remembered...................me and my wife have different dentists…

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before. I replied, "Yes just once."

The doctor asked, "What was it like?"

I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection. She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns

My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old. Until she checked the freezer.

An angry wife says to her husband " I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!" The husband responds "you would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country"

An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?" The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

My wife cheated on me with the garbage man I asked her how she could do such a thing and she said "He actually pays attention to me, he takes me out!" I replied, "That's because it's his job, honey."

My wife caught me cross-dressing and said it's over. So I packed her things and left.

At breakfast, a man asked his wife “What would you do I if won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half, and then leave you.” “Great,” he said “ I won $12 yesterday. Here’s $6. Stay in touch.

The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it. They gave me another one, free of charge.

My wife left me because I am too insecure. Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.

I asked my boss "what's the difference between your wife and tomorrow?" "I'm not coming in tomorrow"


Haven't seen this one here so if it's been posted before I'm sorry

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful. I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend

My wife was in labour and started shouting "Wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't, didn't, can't!" "Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"

The creator of Mad Libs died this week. His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful. I just need to work out if that’s my wife or my girlfriend

So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.

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New Wife Jokes

German joke translated, hope you get it: "Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..." "Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."

"With who?"

"Thomas."

"But since when is Thomas your best friend?"

"Since yesterday."

My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school. So I punched him & stole his lunch money.

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife Happy Mother’s Day!

I got a vasectomy so my wife wouldn't get pregnant. But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby

I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night When the wife said to me,

“You spoil those dogs.”

My wife and i decided we don't want to have children! We will be telling them tonight.

I just asked the wife to get into her nurses uniform. She said why? are you feeling horny? I said no we need bread!

My wife called me at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, I replied, "No..." She responded, "How about now?"

My wife and I don't want any kids My kids are upset about that decision.

Yesterday I purchased a world map...gave my wife a dart and said to her "throw this and wherever it lands, I'm taking you for a holiday". Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

My wife thinks I don't give her enough privacy. At least that's what she said in her diary.

I threw my wife a surprise bukakke party. It was a big success. Everyone came. You should have see her face.

Wife is pregnant Wife- *I’m pregnant*

Husband- *Hi pregnant, I’m dad*

Wife- *No, you’re not*

I think my family is racist I've been nervous for weeks, but I finally decided to introduce them to my Spanish girlfriend

My kids refused to talk to her and my wife started crying and told me to pack my things

A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk... His wife was up waiting for him...

"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled

He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

A Guy sat next to me on the train and pulled a out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she is beautiful, you should see my missus mate.

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's an optician!"

The wife and I decided we don't want children. We're telling them tomorrow.

I just saw my wife walk around with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing. It’s laundry day.

Told my wife that I’m really getting into Beyonce. She said ‘whatever floats your boat’. I said ‘no, that’s buoyancy’.

Why was Melania so excited when Donald Trump became president Because she can call herself the first lady instead of the third wife

I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say... Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer. Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

My wife said she would rather commit suicide than have dementia She said she would never want to place that burden on me..
I said, honey that's the fifth time you've told me that.

I asked my wife why she married me. She said “Because you are funny.” I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.” She said “See? You’re hilarious!”

Husband says to his wife "what would you do if I won the lottery?" She replied "I'd take the half and leave you."

"great" he said,

"I won 12$, here's 6$, stay in touch."

I called my wife at work and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?” Sounding concerned, she replied, “No!” I said, “How about now?”

Sean Connery once asked his wife to sit on his face. Once.

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.” I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

Electrician gets home late... Electrician didn't get home until after 2am. His wife asked "Wire you insulate?" He replied, "Watts it to you, I'm ohm, aren't I?"

My wife accused me of hating all of her relatives. I told her "That is not true, intact I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

My wife and I have an agreement. I don’t try to run her life, and I don’t try to run mine.

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it So we went out and had some drinks.

Cool guy.

Wants to be a web developer.

I'm really worried about my parrot. He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life". my wife is too selfish to notice. She's always crying.

My wife and I decided not to have kids The kids are taking it pretty badly

I bought my wife a Pug as a present. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.

I asked my Wife “Am I the only one you’ve been with?” “Yes... but I’ve had some sevens and eights.” She replied.

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

I came across 6 men beating up my mother in law. My wife asked "aren't you going to help?" I said no. Six should be enough.

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.” The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”

​

The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”

My wife asked me, “Hey, can you give examples of jobs that don’t exist anymore?” I said, “Steve.”

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Long Wife Jokes

A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"

The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."

The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.

A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.

"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.

"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries and did research, but found the prices to be too high.

*My daughter is inviting all of her friends, and I'll look bad if I don't put together a good cake*, he thought. Then, he stumbled upon a shop that opened once a year to provide free cake to its customers.

*How quaint,* the father thought, but desperate, he walked inside to see if they could provide a cake for his daughter's birthday.

He was met by a Buddhist monk chanting and lighting incense.

"Hello," the father asked, "I would like to buy a cake."

"Of course," the monk replied, "just draw a picture of the cake you would like on the notepad on the desk."

The father thought this to be weird, but wanting to save as much money as possible, he gave him the address and told him to come in the backdoor, just in case the cake was bad.

The day of the party arrived and the monk visited the house with the most extravagant cake the family had ever seen. All of the guests were in awe, and whispered to each other about how much the cake could have cost.

The monk became the guest of honor and at the end of the party, the father approached the monk and asked,

"Why do you do this for free? You should take money for your services!"

The monk smiled and said, "I do this for free because a cake day is the best way to earn karma."

PART 2 and PART 3 in my profile

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?" asked Trump

"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.

The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

.... The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
"Then it was just a matter of switching the heads"

My wife is turning 32 soon...

I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a candle for you,' he promises.
Time passes and the priest returns to the little town after 10 years. The first thing he does is visit the couple's home. He can hear a crazy loud noise when he knocks on the door. The wife opens the door; three little children on her arms, a couple of them hiding under her skirt, and others behind her playing around. The priest counts as many as ten of them!
'Well this is quite a pleasant surprise,' exclaims the priest. 'It seems like God listened to my prayer. But where is your dear husband?'
'My husband traveled to Rome,' says the wife with a tired look on her face.
'To Rome? Why on earth would he go to Rome?'
'To blow out that bloody candle you lit!'

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop...

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51

One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Vegas, gotten lost, and nearly run out of fuel, so he put his plane down at the first runway he saw. After extensive background checks, it is proven that the pilot isn't a spy and he is set to be released the following morning.

Before he is allowed to leave, he is given the "You didn't see anything" talk, and is told that under absolutely no circumstances is he allowed to tell anyone where he was, or what he saw. The Air Force fuels up the man's plane, gives him a proper heading to get back to Las Vegas, and sends him on his way.

Later that day, the man's plane is again spotted getting ready to land at Area 51. This time there are two people in the plane. When the plane touches down, it is immediately surrounded by guards again. As soon as it comes to a stop, the man hops out and yells: "Do whatever you want to me, but SOMEBODY has to tell my wife where I was last night."

After 3 years, the wife starts to think...

...that their child looks different, so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you

Husband: What’s up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our child.

Husband: Well don’t you remember? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had a wet diapers and you said, “Honey, go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here.”

My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.

Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number?”

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with my wife!"

The doctor remains calm: "The answer lies in the genetics. Some genetics have recessive traits, which are not apparent to the parents but may be passed on to the child. For example, last week one of your sheep gave birth to a black sheep."

The chieftain pauses for a thinking, then replies: "I tell you what. You say no word about black sheep and I say no word about white child."

Men's Helpline

Men's Helpline

"Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"

"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

My wife texted "I'm leaving you"

And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."

I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."

I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job"

A minute later I finished the message "-searching and resume building."

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.

Trump and Obama getting haircut is same barbershop

Donald Trump and Barack Obama end up in the same barbershop As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse." The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?" Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together.

So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints.

All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.
But it hasn't affected me brothers though."

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He was asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try out for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number.

His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting to someone. "Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes and then I will join you" he said. "As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and she left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier. See you soon, honey!" Then he hung up and walked out of the room.

Heartbroken she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter. Through teary eyes, she read: "I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy bread".

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