Programmer Jokes

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Funniest Programmer Jokes

Funny Programmer Jokes

A programmer goes to do groceries. His wife tell him:

-- Buy a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, buy a dozen.

He comes back with thirteen loaves of bread.

-- But why?, she asks.

-- They had eggs.

A wife sends her programmer husband to the grocery store for a loaf of bread... On his way out she says "and if they have eggs, get a dozen". The programmer husband returns home with 12 loaves of bread....

A programmer got stuck in the shower because... The instructions on the shampoo bottle said-
"Lather, Rinse, Repeat."

A programmer went to a store to pick up some groceries As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk". He never came back.

A programmer goes on a walk A programmer goes on a walk. Before he leaves the house his wife tells him: "While you are outside, please buy some bread."

He never returned.

A programmers wife asks him to go to the grocery She says "Get a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get 12."

The programmer returns with 12 gallons of milk.

A programmer was leaving the house and his wife said "While you're out, get some milk" He never returned and the world ran out of milk.

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen". The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

A programmer tells his wife, “I’m going to the store.” The wife says, “While you’re there, buy some milk.”

He never came back.

A wife sends her programmer husband to the store for bread. As he's leaving, she says, "if they have eggs, get a dozen."

He comes home with 12 loaves of bread

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.

A programmer is heading to the store A programmer is heading to the store and gets a text from his wife:

While you are out, buy some eggs

He never returned.

A Software Programmer is going to the store..... His wife says "get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen."
The guy comes back with 12 loaves of bread.
His wife says "why did you get so much bread?"
He says, "they had eggs.

A programmer goes on a walk. Before he leaves the house his wife tells him: "While you are outside, please buy some bread." He never returned.

A programmer began to cuss Because getting to sleep was a fuss.


When laying in her bed


Looping round in her head


Was: while (!asleep()): sheep++;

A programmer tells a coworker that his wife just had a baby "Is it a boy or a girl?"

"Yes."

A programmer’s wife sends him to the store and says “get some bread, and while you’re there pick up some eggs.”

The programmer never returns.

Why did the programmer quit his job? Because he didn't get arrays

A programmer gets upset when he hears women shouldn't be objectified... He demands, "Are you suggesting women are primitives?"

A programmer heads to the shops His wife says "grab a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get a dozen"

He comes home with twelve loaves of bread.

How did the programmer celebrate his birthday? var celebration = ["Hip", "Hip"];

I used to work as a programmer for autocorrect... ...but they fried me for no raisin.

People think being a programmer is super exciting But sometimes it's just null and void.

When a programmer is born, what are their first words? "Hello world!"

I wanted to be a better computer programmer so I decided to slowly improve my binary skills You could say I improved bit by bit

A programmers wife tells him... A programmers wife tells him: Run to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.


The programmer comes back with 12 loaves of bread...

Programmer joke: !false It's funny because it's true.

What Happens When You Cross A Programmer And A Musician? An Algo-rhythm.

A programmer tries his hand at stand-up comedy: "Forward-slash forward-slash a man walks into a bar..." A heckler yells at him: "Why do you keep doing that weird forward-slash thing?!"

He responds: "Don't you know? The best jokes are always in the comments."

A woman tells her programmer husband: 'While you're at the store, pick up some eggs.' He never returned.

Why did the programmer talk to his boss? Because he wanted arrays

A programmer gets home one day... ...and finds his wife crying. "Ever since we got married you've avoided this question. Now I want an answer: Do you really love me or did you just marry me so you won't be alone?"

So he replies: "Yes".

What have the programmer said after getting his new glasses? Damn, it's good to C#.

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table... ...one full of water in case he gets thirsty, one empty in case he doesn't.

The programmer's wife tells him: The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

How does a programmer undress his girlfriend? gf.getString();

Why was the NSA computer programmer late for work? Because he got Snowden

Programmer husband A wife says to her programmer husband, "Honey, go to the store and get a gallon of milk; if they have eggs, get a dozen."

He comes back with only 12 gallons of milk and says, "They had eggs."

I told a girl I'm a binary programmer with a multi million salary the other day And pulled out the stacks of 64 dollars to prove it

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New Programmer Jokes

How do you tell a programmer from a DnD player? Ask them to complete the list: int, char, str...

A programmer makes a robot girlfriend. He tries interacting by text, putting in "i <3 u". But the robot unfortunately responds: "i not defined in this scope. u not defined in this scope."

What did the programmer say when he bought a Microsoft Office subscription? Hello Word

A database programmer writes a book. But every is disappointed that there is no SQL.

Did you hear about the programmer who was apprehended before he could check in his code? He was arrested for a crime; he didn’t commit.

A computer programmer A computer programmer is a person that automates work to eliminate jobs and reduce costs while complaining that his job is being outsourced overseas.

Programmer with five years experience in servers security and mobile apps for a major political party looking for job . . . . Will be unable to disclose which party under a (NDA) personal nondisclosure clause.

A programmer tried to score while playing basketball, and missed He thought to himself: "Well, I guess you can call that a null pointer."

Breaking News: A programmer has been accused of writing unreadable code He has declined to comment.

A programmer was accused of bad coding. He refused to comment.

A new programmer on the job goes to his boss. "How should I name my variables? Do I use all small letters, and separate words with underscores?"

The boss thinks for a moment, lights up a cigarette, and says, "No, that's not the case."

I am a C programmer and I want to learn Java. Any pointers?

What does a programmer say after reading the fortune they get from a fortune cookie? Embed

My programmer colleague seemed really grumpy this morning. Nonetheless, I decided to greet her.

Me: Hi!

Programmer: ... !hi

Why does a programmer get nervous when his girlfriend asks for his hard drive Because she wants the D:

Why does the genderfluid programmer suck at their job? They're non-binary

What does a programmer end up with after he's diagnosed with Crohn's disease? A semicolon

A programmer walks into a bar... He orders 1.000000119 root beers.

The bartender says, “ I’m gonna have to charge you extra, that’s a root beer float.”

The programmer says, “Well in that case make it a double.”

Why did the Python programmer guy got rejected by a Java programmer girl? Because he was not her type.

Wife says to her programmer husband: "Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen."

Husband returns with twelve loaves of bread.

How long does a programmer last in bed? Just a bit

A programmer walks into a bar. He orders exactly 0.9001 root beers. The bartender Derek asked, "Why not a whole root beer?" The programmer responds, "I want a root beer float."

What does a programmer eat for breakfast? Bootloops!

Why couldn't the system programmer breathe? He refused to open windows.

What do you call a programmer from Iceland? Nerdic

What does a programmer say before his imminent death? bye world

Why did the programmer buy a Jack O' Lantern on Christmas Day? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

-----

^Can't ^remember ^where ^I ^heard ^it ^before

What does the computer programmer call a car with a flat tire? Floppy drive.

How does the computer programmer potty train his son? Ctrl+P

Why was the programmer eating carrots? So that he could C#

Why did the programmer quit his job? Because he didn’t get arrays.

A programmer once went to a music contest He lost because the only notes he knew were C and C#


Inspired by u/EatThisShoe

A programmer goes to bed and puts two glasses next to him. One - with water, if he feels thirsty One - without, if he does not.

Most people don't know that in order to be a programmer your eyesight must be correctable to 20/20. You have to be able to C#.

As a programmer I made the AsbestOS. Reliability was its killing feature.

A programmer's wife is having a baby. The doctor hands over the baby to the dad. The mom asks: "Is it a boy or a girl?" The programmer responds: "Yes, that's true".

Did you hear about the auto-correct programmer who lost his job? He was fried.

How did the programmer finally get laid? He had some great comments.

Wife: If they have tomatoes eggs or bread, get them. Programmer husband comes home empty handed. Wife: What happened? Husband: They had tomatoes and bread.

What did the programmer say immediately after somebody asked "do you want it or not"? "True"

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Long Programmer Jokes

A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant

Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:

"Table for 8, please"

"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"

"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"

He turns around, and begins doing a head count:

"0, 1, 2, 3..."

A programmer goes shopping

A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping.

"hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12"

So the programmer went shopping.

When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked

"why the heck did you bought 12 bottle of milk?!"

The programmer responded.

"they have eggs"

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train...

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face.

He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!"

Edit: Fixed wall of text.

A programmer is working on a convenience store cash register...

A programmer is working on the software for a cash register computer at a convenience store. He finally thinks he got it done and tests a few items. Scans a gallon of milk:

> $2.50

Perfect. How about this bag of beef jerky?

> $4.99

Excellent. 20 oz soda?

> $1.59

Perfect. How about this box of cigarettes?

> ERROR

Huh? Maybe try this can of snuff?

> ERROR

Shit.
So he looks through the code again, making sure he checked every parenthesis and spelled every function correctly. He checks. Double checks. Triple checks. Finally, he sees the problem.

It was a sin tax error.

A programmer and his wife are reviewing their grocery list.

She says, “We’re out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they’ve got eggs, get six.”

After a while, he’s back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, “Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?”

He replies, “They had eggs.”

A programmer and a software engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight...

The programmer leans over to the software engineer and asks if he would like to play a game. The software engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and great fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $10. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $10.". Again, the software engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The programmer, now some what agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $10, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!" This catches the software engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The software engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a ten dollar bill and hands it to the programmer. Now, it's the software engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the software engineer and hands him $100. The software engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the software engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?"

Without a word, the software engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $10, and turns away to get back to sleep.

A doctor and a programmer both like the same woman

Every day, the doctor brings her a flower, while the programmer brings her an apple.

Eventually, she chooses to go out with the programmer.

Outraged, the doctor asks the programmer why he brought her apples.

The programmer responded “An Apple a day keeps the doctor away”

A computer programmer was sitting at home with his wife.

He takes a cigarette out of his pocket, lights it, and takes a puff.
His wife looks at him angrily and says,
"You really need to stop doing that. Can't you see the warning on the box? It says 'hazardous to health!'"
The programmer takes another puff of his cigarette and says,
"I'm a computer programmer. I don't care about warnings. I only care about errors."

A young Programmer and his Project Manager

board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.”

The Project manager is sitting there thinking, “I didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped me!”

The young woman was sitting and thinking, “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!”

The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, “Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!”

A programmer and an engineer

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"

This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.

Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

A programmer is going to the grocery store...

A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "There were eggs!"

A programmer went to go grocery shopping.

A programmer went to go grocery shopping. He called his wife and asked what was needed.

His wife said: "You need to get 2 loaves of bread. Oh, and also, if there's eggs, buy a dozen."

So he came home with a dozen loaves of bread.

A wife sends her programmer husband to the store.

She says, "Buy a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

When the husband returns, he's carrying twelve gallons of milk?

"Why did you buy twelve gallons of milk" asks the wife.

"Because they had eggs" says the husband.

Job Interview

A games programmer is at a job interview at Electronic Arts.

As the interview comes to an end, the interviewer glances down at the programmer's résumé and sees "please turn over" written at the bottom.

He turns the résumé over, but finds that the other side is blank.

The interviewer asks, "Where's the rest of your résumé?"

The programmer replies, "Oh, that's downloadable content; it costs an extra ten dollars!"

Cunning

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!"

A woman moves in with her balding programmer boyfriend

A woman moves in with her balding programmer boyfriend and immediately gets concerned about his nighttime routine. Every night he takes a 2 hour shower and goes to bed complaining that his arms hurt. She also noticed that he has an entire closet full of shampoo. After a few weeks she can't take it anymore and decides she'll convince him to take a shower together. The shower seems to be pretty normal up until he starts to wash his hair. Over and over and over he doesn't stop washing his hair until the entire bottle is empty.

The woman is distraught, a few more days go by and finally, thinking he isn't feeling clean using his, she tells her boyfriend that he should try her shampoo. 15 minutes go by and her boyfriend emerges from the bathroom with a big grin on his face. He tells her "This shampoo is great! And I only have to apply it once!" Happy, but confused, she finally asks "Why did you use so much of the other shampoo? Was there something wrong with it?". "No." he replies, "My shampoo directed me to Lather, rinse, and repeat. Yours said Lather, Rinse, and apply conditioner".

A physicist, a biologist, a programmer, and a mathematician ....

are sitting at a café across from an empty building.

They observe two people enter and then, later, three leave.

The physicist says, "Apparently there was some error with our measurements."

The biologist says, "Obviously, they reproduced while in the building."

The mathematician opines, "If now one more were to enter the building, it would again be empty."

And then the programmer replies "they must've used a backdoor".

Software development cycle.

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.

5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.

6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.

7. Users find 137 new bugs.

8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.

9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.

10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.

11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.

13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

A programmer rubs a lamp and a genie appears

Genie: "Alright I'm gonna make this short. You can't ask for more wishes, you can't change free will, and you only get one wish. Choose wisely."

Programmer: "I wish to use a wish."

Genie: "Granted, you now have 4,294,967,295 wishes."

A wife asks her programmer husband "can you go to the store and get a carton of milk. If they have avacados, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

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