Programmer Jokes

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Funniest Programmer Jokes

Funny Programmer Jokes
Score: 5404

A programmer goes to do groceries. His wife tell him:

-- Buy a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, buy a dozen.

He comes back with thirteen loaves of bread.

-- But why?, she asks.

-- They had eggs.

Score: 956

A wife sends her programmer husband to the grocery store for a loaf of bread... On his way out she says "and if they have eggs, get a dozen". The programmer husband returns home with 12 loaves of bread....

Score: 387

A programmer got stuck in the shower because... The instructions on the shampoo bottle said-
"Lather, Rinse, Repeat."

Score: 386

A programmer went to a store to pick up some groceries As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk". He never came back.

Score: 359

A journalist asked a programmer:- What makes code bad? No comment.

Score: 268

A programmer's wife A programmer's wife says: "go to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
He returns with 12 loaves of bread.

Score: 252

A programmer goes on a walk A programmer goes on a walk. Before he leaves the house his wife tells him: "While you are outside, please buy some bread."

He never returned.

Score: 224

I am a programmer. A journalist asked me what makes a software code bad. I said... No comment

Score: 205

A programmer's wife tells him as he leaves the house: "While you're out, buy some milk." He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.

Score: 187

A programmers wife asks him to go to the grocery She says "Get a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get 12."

The programmer returns with 12 gallons of milk.

Score: 182

A programmer tells his wife, “I’m going to the store.” The wife says, “While you’re there, buy some milk.”

He never came back.

Score: 161

A programmer's wife tells him to go to the store She says 'buy a loaf of bread, if they have eggs, buy a dozen."
He comes home with 12 loaves of bread

Score: 145

A wife sends her programmer husband to the store for bread. As he's leaving, she says, "if they have eggs, get a dozen."

He comes home with 12 loaves of bread

Score: 139

Why was the programmer's code incomprehensible? No comment.

Score: 127

A programmer's wife sends him to the grocery store... She says: "I need you to go get a gallon of milk, if they have eggs, get a dozen."

He comes home with 12 gallons of milk and says: "They had eggs."

Score: 121

As a programmer, I may not be able to set up a parade... But I can make an array of floats...

Score: 116

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.

Score: 110

A programmer's wife tells him to go buy some milk, and, while he's there, to get eggs. He hasn't come back.

Score: 98

A programmer is heading to the store A programmer is heading to the store and gets a text from his wife:

While you are out, buy some eggs

He never returned.

Score: 86

A Software Programmer is going to the store..... His wife says "get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen."
The guy comes back with 12 loaves of bread.
His wife says "why did you get so much bread?"
He says, "they had eggs.

Score: 81

A programmer goes on a walk. Before he leaves the house his wife tells him: "While you are outside, please buy some bread." He never returned.

Score: 77

For a good programmer, women are like syntax errors... He doesn't get any.

Score: 74

A programmer began to cuss Because getting to sleep was a fuss.


When laying in her bed


Looping round in her head


Was: while (!asleep()): sheep++;

Score: 72

A programmer's wife sends him to the store for a loaf of bread. On his way out she adds, "and if they have eggs, get a dozen".

He returns home with 12 loaves of bread.

Score: 65

A programmer tells a coworker that his wife just had a baby "Is it a boy or a girl?"

"Yes."

Score: 58

A programmer’s wife sends him to the store and says “get some bread, and while you’re there pick up some eggs.”

The programmer never returns.

Score: 54

What's a programmer's favorite drug? Codeine.

Score: 51

Why did the programmer quit his job? Because he didn't get arrays

Score: 50

A programmer gets upset when he hears women shouldn't be objectified... He demands, "Are you suggesting women are primitives?"

Score: 44

Why did the programmer talk to his boss? Because he wanted arrays

Score: 23

A programmer gets home one day... ...and finds his wife crying. "Ever since we got married you've avoided this question. Now I want an answer: Do you really love me or did you just marry me so you won't be alone?"

So he replies: "Yes".

Score: 22

A programmer's wife tells him to buy a loaf of bread, she also said that if there are eggs, get a dozen The programmer returns home with 12 loaves of bread.

Score: 12

Why should every woman know a C++ programmer? Because they'll always let friends access their private members.

Ba dum tiss.

Score: 9

What did the programmer say when he was born? Hello, world!

Score: 5

A programmer puts 2 glasses on his nightstand before going to bed, one with water and one without. One in case he wakes up in the middle of the night thirsty, and one in case he's not!

Score: 5

What state did the programmer start her road trip in? Maine

Score: 5

Why can’t a member of the LGBTQ movement be a computer programmer? Because they are non-binary.

Score: 5

A woman asked her programmer husband to go and pick up some bread, and if there were eggs, to get a dozen. So he came home with 12 loaves of bread.

Score: 4

What is a computer programmer’s favorite book? A dictionary, because it defines variables

Score: 4

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New Programmer Jokes

... Did you hear why the programmer stopped sleeping?
Because he was killing bugs at night.

Score: 0

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer came back with 12 loaves of bread.

Score: 4

A software programmer's wife asks him to buy some groceries. "Check if they have watermelons, if yes buy 2. Otherwise get 3 boxes of kiwi fruit" She said.


The husband later returned with 2 boxes of kiwi fruit.

Score: 0

A new programmer on the job goes to his boss. "How should I name my variables? Do I use all small letters, and separate words with underscores?"

The boss thinks for a moment, lights up a cigarette, and says, "No, that's not the case."

Score: 0

I am a C programmer and I want to learn Java. Any pointers?

Score: 2

What does a programmer end up with after he's diagnosed with Crohn's disease? A semicolon

Score: 2

A programmer once went to a music contest He lost because the only notes he knew were C and C#


Inspired by u/EatThisShoe

Score: 2

As a programmer I made the AsbestOS. Reliability was its killing feature.

Score: 1

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread

Score: 0

A programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

Score: 0

What did the astronaut programmer say when he came back to Earth? Hello world.

Score: 3

So you know why I never became a programmer ? Too many nonces

Score: 1

How the programmer got divorced Programmer: Honey, Imma buy you diamonds for our anniversary



Wife: Oh honey! Nothing would please me more.



He got her nothing instead.

Score: 2

A programmer starts coding something... And it works first try

Score: 3

What a programmer posted to Facebook after he became a father. Version 2.0 released with Day 1 patch. May include minor bugs.

Score: 3

I'm a Programmer that doesn't know code Some say I'm just Div'ing my own grave.

Score: 2

What do you call it when a programmer tells you the same joke more than once? DRY humor!

Score: 2

What do you get when you give a computer programmer an aggressive dermal viral infection? Open sores.

Score: 2

A computer programmer was asked if he used Java or something else. After a short pause, he replied "Yes."

Score: 2

Why did the JavaScript programmer need glasses? Because he couldn't C#

Score: 1

What freaks out both girls and programmers? A missed period.

And heaven help us if the programmer happens to be a girl.

Score: 2

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