Pregnancy Jokes

The stork is the bird that helps deliver babies. What bird helps prevent pregnancy? The swallow.

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Funny Pregnancy Jokes
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My wife gained more than 100 pounds during pregnancy, so I started walking 5 miles every day to encourage her. It's been three months and now I'm over 300 miles away from home.

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There is nothing wrong with drinking while pregnant... wife drank through all five months of her pregnancy.

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How do you call unexpected pregnancy in German? Kinder Surprise

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This pregnancy test I just took confirmed my worst fear. I'm just fat.

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I was going to type up this joke about pregnancy but I realized it was all about the delivery

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Phantom Pregnancy I recently learned that goats can have what's called a "phantom pregnancy." It's when their body thinks it's pregnant when it isn't.

I kid you not.

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Thank goodness it's April 2nd I had 4 pregnancy scares yesterday. They all turned out to be pranks. Please don't tell my wife.

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C sections are like the DiGiorno of pregnancy. Because it's not delivery.

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Why Does Italy Have Such A Low Teen Pregnancy Rate? Because the kids learn in Italian history to always pull out

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Pregnancy is like a black ops mission They're both expensive to abort.

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I used to work on an assembly line making pregnancy pamphlets, but I quit. I got tired of labor manuals.

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Two blondes talking... "I took a pregnancy test the other day..."
"Oh dear, were the questions hard?"

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i'm really nervous about getting my girlfriend's pregnancy results back... and i'm not even the one who'll have to raise the baby alone!

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Nigel Farage gets his girlfriend pregnant.. Soon after the pregnancy test arrived as positive, he says "My fatherhood ambition has been achieved. I want my life back"

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What do an IUD and an IED have in common? They both prevent pregnancy.

^I'm ^sorry

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Two blondes meet, one says: "I did a pregnancy test today." The other one: "Was it hard?"

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You don't have to study for a pregnancy test... but I have heard there's a lot of cramming that goes on before the exam.

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Why did the run-on sentence take a pregnancy test? Because its period came too late.

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Mom always told me to be positive... So in a way, this pregnancy test is actually her fault.

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Yeah, I am one of those people who've had milk with whiskey. My mother used to drink a lot post pregnancy.

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Bob Ross wasn't a planned pregnancy He was a happy little accident

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My girlfriend said there's a line on her pregnancy test. Pretty odd place to do cocaine if you ask me.

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What should a joke have in common with a pregnancy? A good delivery.

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How do you know kidney stones are worse than pregnancy? After a a kidney stone, nobody says “let’s have another”

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If you want to prevent pregnancy use two condoms and... Fill chille powder in between. If outer one breaks she will know if inner one breaks you will know..

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I was a bit worried so I took a pregnancy test My mom will be proud, this is my first time passing a test!

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Unless you’re a pregnancy test.... Take your negativity elsewhere.

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What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common? They both require chickpea.

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How are cancer and pregnancy similar? They can both be fixed with intense radiation therapy.

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There’s a married couple, Nancy and Dave, at a dinner party talking to a friend about their pregnancy Friend: You look great, you’re glowing!
Nancy: Thank you! I really put the Nancy in pregnancy
Dave: And I really put the pregnancy in Nancy!

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What does a pregnancy and alcoholism have in common? They can both be ended with a twelve step program

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Why is pregnancy not the worst pain known to man? Because men don't give birth.

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Why does the Nuvaring make pregnancy more unlikely? It's another hoop to hump through!

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I was having dinner celebrating my wifes pregnancy and she asked "How many vegetables would you like dear?" I said "One please"
She said " Perfect because I've contracted the Zika virus"

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To everyone who recieved picture of positive pregnancy test today, check your calendar... And count how many days you have left to push her down the stairs.

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