Pregnancy Jokes

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Funniest Pregnancy Jokes

Funny Pregnancy Jokes

A virgin nun gets pregnant.... And she's sure it's not a miracle pregnancy so she bursts into the priests chambers and yells out "which of you fuckers has been wanking on the candles?"

"I just urinated on a pregnancy test," said my girlfriend. "I'm pregnant." "Are you going to keep it?" I asked.

She said, "No, it stinks like wee."

Today at the pharmacy I saw a woman without a face mask buying a pregnancy test. She clearly isn’t a fan of protection

How do you call unexpected pregnancy in German? Kinder Surprise

This pregnancy test I just took confirmed my worst fear. I'm just fat.

Phantom Pregnancy I recently learned that goats can have what's called a "phantom pregnancy." It's when their body thinks it's pregnant when it isn't.

I kid you not.

I was going to type up this joke about pregnancy but I realized it was all about the delivery

Thank goodness it's April 2nd I had 4 pregnancy scares yesterday. They all turned out to be pranks. Please don't tell my wife.

Why Does Italy Have Such A Low Teen Pregnancy Rate? Because the kids learn in Italian history to always pull out

I used to work on an assembly line making pregnancy pamphlets, but I quit. I got tired of labor manuals.

Pregnancy is like a black ops mission They're both expensive to abort.

Two blondes talking... "I took a pregnancy test the other day..."
"Oh dear, were the questions hard?"

i'm really nervous about getting my girlfriend's pregnancy results back... and i'm not even the one who'll have to raise the baby alone!

Nigel Farage gets his girlfriend pregnant.. Soon after the pregnancy test arrived as positive, he says "My fatherhood ambition has been achieved. I want my life back"

West Virginia Pregnancy Rate Hits All Time Low as COVID-19 Puts Stop to Family Reunions Not The Onion.

You don't have to study for a pregnancy test... but I have heard there's a lot of cramming that goes on before the exam.

Two blondes meet, one says: "I did a pregnancy test today." The other one: "Was it hard?"

Mom always told me to be positive... So in a way, this pregnancy test is actually her fault.

Why did the run-on sentence take a pregnancy test? Because its period came too late.

How do Jews do a pregnancy test? The woman spreads her legs and the man throws a penny between them - if a hand darts out to snatch it up then it's a positive

One benefit of everyone staying at home is that teenage pregnancy is down .

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except in Alabama

Bob Ross wasn't a planned pregnancy He was a happy little accident

My girlfriend said there's a line on her pregnancy test. Pretty odd place to do cocaine if you ask me.

Unless you’re a pregnancy test.... Take your negativity elsewhere.

I was a bit worried so I took a pregnancy test My mom will be proud, this is my first time passing a test!

What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common? They both require chickpea.

My wife told me that cooking was getting very very difficult due to her 8 months pregnancy So I added telescope handles on all of the kitchen utensils. I love my wife.

I once told story about pregnancy that nobody understood except for my twin sister It was our little inside joke

How are cancer and pregnancy similar? They can both be fixed with intense radiation therapy.

Did you know that bus drivers are good for more than driving the bus. Thanks to them the pregnancy rate in nuns has dropped drastically

A man's wife comes up to him with a positive pregnancy test... "Are you kidding me!" she says.
"Yes."

There’s a married couple, Nancy and Dave, at a dinner party talking to a friend about their pregnancy Friend: You look great, you’re glowing!
Nancy: Thank you! I really put the Nancy in pregnancy
Dave: And I really put the pregnancy in Nancy!

What's the only positive from living in the ghetto? Pregnancy tests

A good joke is like pregnancy You could have the best setup, but its all over if the delivery goes wrong

Recent studies have shown that first names have a significant impact on pregnancy rates. For example someone called Mary is much more likely to get pregnant than someone called Tom.

What's the proper punctuation for a negative pregnancy test? A period.

My friend's wellness teacher asked him in freshman year what the most common STD in the world was... Apparently, pregnancy was the wrong answer.

What does a pregnancy and alcoholism have in common? They can both be ended with a twelve step program

When it comes to punctuation & pregnancy scares, periods are better late than never.

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New Pregnancy Jokes

Now I see the appeal in a pregnancy shoot But isn't it just an abortion?

Why is pregnancy not the worst pain known to man? Because men don't give birth.

I hope you were all kind to your mother's on Mother's day. Imagine the patience and travail of 9 month's pregnancy then painful labor... And then it's you.

Apparently Hogwarts has a low teen pregnancy rate. Research shows it is singlehandedly due to the spell - DELETUS FEETUS

Pregnancy Chances Did you know that your chances of getting pregnant are hereditary. Chances are that if your parents didn't get pregnant, you won't either.

What do they call an unplanned pregnancy in Germany? A kinder surprise

Teen pregnancy is horrible... It creates child labor.

What do you call an accidental pregnancy in Canada? A Tinder egg.

what animal has the lowest pregnancy rate? the pull-out-a-puss

What is one positive thing that's actually really negative? A pregnancy test

9 months of pregnancy are the best times to drink ...since you are never drinking alone

At my school we were great at passing all the tests... Both pregnancy _and_ paternity tests.

Blonde joke (short) A blonde tells her husband she thinks she's pregnant and sends him off to the store to buy a pregnancy test. As he's leaving she says buy two in case it's twins.

Pregnancy in the 1940's. (Doc) - "Mrs. Smith, I have some **great** news for you"....
(Patient) - "Thats MISS Smith, doctor!"....
(Doc) - "Miss Smith, I have some *bad* news for you"....

I was having dinner celebrating my wifes pregnancy and she asked "How many vegetables would you like dear?" I said "One please"
She said " Perfect because I've contracted the Zika virus"

Another way that succes is like pregnancy Women have to get it from men.

PREGNANCY TEST! Girl: Dad, what's better? to pass or to fail?

Dad: To pass obviously

Girl: OH GOOD, YOU'LL BE PROUD OF ME! I PASSED MY PREGNANCY TEST!

What's the best part of a pregnancy joke? The delivery.

Michelle Wolf on A Friend’s Pregnancy Michelle Wolf on A Friend’s Pregnancy

One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends.

Man and Women in Diffrent Combinations Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Pregnancy Test Two blondes are talking with each other . The blonde tells the other blonde that she did a pregnancy test yesterday. Says the other blonde : "Damn, were there hard questions ? "

When a friend asks you to keep her pregnancy on down low, you say Mum's the word

Why does the Nuvaring make pregnancy more unlikely? It's another hoop to hump through!

A woman brings her items to the resister A woman brings five chocolate bars, a tub of ice cream, and some pregnancy tests to the counter

Cashier: "Ma'am, I don't think you need those pregnancy tests"

Not sure I heard right but... My girlfriend plans to avoid pregnancy by having an IED fitted.

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Long Pregnancy Jokes

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It’s not the end of the world."

Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

There was a young pregnant woman...

...and her dream was for her baby to grow up with perfect manners.

So everyday, she would gently rub her belly whilst repeating the line, "Be polite. Be polite."

But a strange thing happened.

After 9 months, the baby showed no signs of coming out.

After a year the woman was still pregnant, and she still kept up the practice of gently rubbing her belly and saying, "Be polite. Be polite."

The woman`s pregnancy continued and continued.

It lasted years.

She refused to let doctors check out the situation with ultrasound and she refused to listen to any advice that they tried to give her.

But all the while she continued to gently rub her belly and say,"Be polite. Be polite."

She finally died at the age of 80 without giving birth.

The mystery of the unborn baby was finally solved when doctors finally opened her up.

Inside her womb were two little men with long white beards saying to each other, "No, my friend. I must insist. After you."

An 18-year-old Italian girl tells her Mom that she thinks she is pregnant.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test results show that the girl IS pregnant.

Shouting , cursing, crying…the mother says, “Who wassa dah piga that do thisah to you? Ima wanna know!!”

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferarri stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the livingroom with the father, mother and the girl and tells them, “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a 2 million dollar bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a factory and a 3 million dollar bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory each and 4 million dollars each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?

At this point, the father who had remained silent holding a shotgun… places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him…

“You gonna try again!!”

A married couple is having a baby...

As she is going into labor, the doctor asks the man, "would you like to take part in this new technology that allows half the pain of the pregnancy to be put on to the father." The husband accepts, and they go on with the birth. Afterwards they ask him how he felt, he replied, "I didn't feel anything I don't understand what the big deal is about this. Later that day, they find the postman dead at their house.

Money makes every thing...

A girl missed her period 2 months ago,her mom
took her to the clinic for pregnancy test of which
it was positive.Embarrased, her mom said; who
is the pig that got you pregnant? The girl picked
up her phone and made a call, an hour later,a
young handsome man drove in Ferrari to the
girl's house. Good evening, the man greeted.
Your daughter told me the problem in the house.
I can't marry for now because of my family
issue, but I promise I will take care of her for the
rest of her life, and if she gives birth to a girl,I
promised to buy her a mansion, 2 jeeps and 1
million dollars. If it's a boy, I'll buy her houses in
a country side, 5 jeeps, 2 big factories and
5million dollars in her account. If it's twins, I'll do
anything...
she asked. But if there's miscarriage,
what do you suggest i do? The girls father
silently tap the young man on his shoulder and
said; my son, if there is miscarriage, you'll sleep
with her again.......

College pregnancy

A college girls rushes to the hospital. Her water has just broke and she is now in labour. As she begins to push, the doctor asks if the father should be present. She answers “I’m not really sure who the father is. You see, I was having a hard time paying for my college tuition. To make some quick cash I agreed to be in a gang bang porno. That’s where I got pregnant. There were a lot of guys, so I’m not really sure which one is the father.” The doctor goes back to work and the girls continues to push. When the baby comes out the doctor says “I don’t know if this will help you narrow down who the father is, but the baby is black” The girl replies “That does help, there was only one black guy there” The doctor then adds “This may complicate it a bit, but the baby has blonde hair” The girl replies “Well there was one big Norwegian guy so that also makes sense” Again the doctor adds “The baby has small slanted eyes” The girl says “Well there was one Chinese guy in there too so I guess that makes sense too” Suddenly the baby begins to cry. The girl is overcome with relief. The doctor asks “Why are you so relieved to hear the baby cry?” The girls answers “I thought it was going to bark”

Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,
'Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse,
a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account...
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each..
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him
"You a gonna try again!"

[Long] Feeling Pregnant

“Ok everyone,” said the the instructor at the birthing class trying to get everyone’s attention. “We are going to do an exercise now, that’s purpose is to help the men sympathize with their partners.”
“We have here what’s called a pregnancy suit,” said the woman instructor, holding up an artificial stomach with a strap. “This imitates the feeling of being pregnant.” Which Husband volunteers to be the first one to try it on?”
“I will” said one man, taking the suit and trying it on. “This isn’t too bad said the man walking around. I think I could get used to this.” “Ok”, said the instructor smiling, “now I would like you to bend down and pick up my pen from the floor.”
“You want me to pick it up?” he said hesitantly, “just as I would if I was pregnant?” “Yes!” said the instructor.
“Honey,” said the man turning to his spouse “do you mind picking up that pen for me?”

Father Knows Best!

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drug store and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant! Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning; your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be two factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they each will receive a factory and $2,000,000.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f*** her again."

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is they all say, "Don't do it! You will lose all your freedom! Make the responsible choice." But after it happens they say "We're disappointed but we can make the best of this. It's not the end of the world."

Whoops, I accidentally autocorrected "Trumps' Presidency" to "teen pregnancy"

Triplets

While in the later part of her pregnancy with triplets, a mother fears for the life of her children after a man trying to rob a corner store shot her three time in the stomach. After a lengthy surgery, the children had to be taken out but all had been pierced by one bullet each. The doctor was able to keep them all alive and healthy but the bullets where in a part of each of their bodies that would make it impossible to extract without running the risk of killing them. The mother considered herself very lucky to have all of her children.

Years later, the triplets had aged into their teens. Mom was out in the garden when one of her daughters came to her, seeming quite distraught. The mother asked what had happened and the girl, a tad embarrassed, said, "Well, I was using the restroom, when all of the sudden.. I peed out a bullet!" The mother, while concerned, consoled her daughter; reminding her of what happened the her and her siblings as a baby. Soon, the girl was all well and continued on with her day.

Later that day, the mother's other daughter came running into the kitchen into her moms arms, crying. The mother again asked what the problem was. The daughter told her how she was on the toilet when she peed out a bullet. The mother thought this rather strange that both daughters would both experience this on the same day much less at all. With some cooing, this daughter was happy again and ran along to play with her sister.

Minutes later, the son came flying through the house scared shitless. The mother figured herself prepared this time and met him with a stern tone. "Oh come on, let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"

The son replied, "No.. I was jacking off and I shot the dog."

Pregnancy Cravings...

My parents were recently discussing my pregnant cousin, who has been craving ice cream throughout here pregnancy, so I thought I'd ask my mother what she craved through her pregnancy.

"An abortion" wasn't the answer I was expecting.

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant.

This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions.

She replies, “Well, I’m a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?”

The doctor answered, “Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it’s difficult to describe pain.”

“I know, but can’t you give me some idea?” she asks.

“Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little…”

“Like this?”

“A little more…”

“Like this?”

“No. A little more…”

“Like this?”

“Yes. Does that hurt?”

“A little bit.”

“Now stretch it over your head!”

An 18 year old Mayo girl.

An 18 year old Mayo girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!” The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. That I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.” “Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a €2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a €4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and €2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, “You ride her again.”

An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation."

The seething dad says "You will pay all costs and provide for my daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, You will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, you give him a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. Is that clear?”

The man gets up to leave and declares “I’m very sorry sir, your daughter and I already had a deal before I laid a finger on her. I will miss her though. She is a very dedicated, young lepidopterist”.

Blonde Joke

Three pregnant women were having brunch together, discussing pregnancy matter, and the subject of the baby's gender came up.


Brunette: My baby's going to be a boy because when my husband and I conceived, I was on top.


Redhead: My baby is going to be a girl because I was on the bottom.


Blonde (bursting into tears): "My baby's going to be a puppy."

It's a cold night in Moscow, and Natasha and Sergey are getting busy in the back of Sergey's brand new Yugo.

The heat is on in more ways than one, and Natasha can tell that Sergey is getting close. She tries to stop him and ask, "Do you have protection?", but it's too late.

Two months later, Natasha is late, so she takes a pregnancy test. Sure enough, she's pregnant. In tears, she tells her parents. They ask how it's possible. "It's an accident!" she swears.

Her father goes and finds Sergey and demands he handle arranging the abortion. The communist government had heavily restricted abortion, however, and so Sergey had to bribe doctors to try to perform the procedures. He tried and tried, and several doctors were willing, but yet the procedure was never successful. No matter what the doctors did to try to terminate the pregnancy, the child lived on.

Finally, in desperation and losing faith in the Russian healthcare system, Sergey took out a loan and flew himself and Natasha to Paris to try one more procedure. Finally, this one was successful.

After the procedure, Sergey asked the doctor, "Why were all the efforts in Russia unsuccessful, but yours wasn't?"

The doctor replied, "You see, in Soviet Russia, accident survives you."

Dear Mother and Dad: It has now been three months since I left for college.

Dear Mother and Dad: It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY!
Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get
those sick headaches once a day.

Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grrandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a chld. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily.
Dear Mother and Dad: It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY!

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your oft expressed tolerance will not
permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the
village in Africa from which he came.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have
syphillis and there is no man (of any color) in my life. However, I am getting a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.

Yours-
Your Loving Daughter

Understanding Pregnancy

A man goes to the doctor and says to the doctor "My wife is pregnant but we always use protection and I KNOW that it never broke, how could this happen?"

The doctor sits the man down and says "let me tell you a story, there was a hunter who always brought his gun with him everywhere he went. But one day he decided to bring his umbrella instead. Suddenly, a lion comes jumping out of a bush and starts to attack the man. He pulls up his umbrella like he is gonna shot the lion and the lions dies."

The man sitting down, looking confused, says " well that doesn't make any sense! Someone else must have shot it!"

The doctor says "good, you understand what I'm telling you then."

A dad asks his daughter if she's pregnant.

She says "No!"

He doesn't believe her and asks her again.

"Dad, I swear I'm not!"

He gives her one last chance to fess up and says, "Are you SURE?"

Exasperated, she reaches into her bag and pulls out a pregnancy test. "I'm positive."

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