Pregnancy Jokes

The stork is the bird that helps deliver babies. What bird helps prevent pregnancy? The swallow.

Success is like pregnancy Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got F**ed to achieve it.

My wife gained more than 100 pounds during pregnancy, so I started walking 5 miles every day to encourage her. It's been three months and now I'm over 300 miles away from home.

There is nothing wrong with drinking while pregnant... ...my wife drank through all five months of her pregnancy.

How do you call unexpected pregnancy in German? Kinder Surprise

This pregnancy test I just took confirmed my worst fear. I'm just fat.

I was going to type up this joke about pregnancy but I realized it was all about the delivery

Phantom Pregnancy I recently learned that goats can have what's called a "phantom pregnancy." It's when their body thinks it's pregnant when it isn't.

I kid you not.

Thank goodness it's April 2nd I had 4 pregnancy scares yesterday. They all turned out to be pranks. Please don't tell my wife.

C sections are like the DiGiorno of pregnancy. Because it's not delivery.

Why Does Italy Have Such A Low Teen Pregnancy Rate? Because the kids learn in Italian history to always pull out

Pregnancy is like a black ops mission They're both expensive to abort.

I used to work on an assembly line making pregnancy pamphlets, but I quit. I got tired of labor manuals.

Two blondes talking... "I took a pregnancy test the other day..."
"Oh dear, were the questions hard?"

i'm really nervous about getting my girlfriend's pregnancy results back... and i'm not even the one who'll have to raise the baby alone!

Nigel Farage gets his girlfriend pregnant.. Soon after the pregnancy test arrived as positive, he says "My fatherhood ambition has been achieved. I want my life back"

You don't have to study for a pregnancy test... but I have heard there's a lot of cramming that goes on before the exam.

What do an IUD and an IED have in common? They both prevent pregnancy.

^I'm ^sorry

Two blondes meet, one says: "I did a pregnancy test today." The other one: "Was it hard?"

Why did the run-on sentence take a pregnancy test? Because its period came too late.

Mom always told me to be positive... So in a way, this pregnancy test is actually her fault.

Yeah, I am one of those people who've had milk with whiskey. My mother used to drink a lot post pregnancy.

Bob Ross wasn't a planned pregnancy He was a happy little accident

My girlfriend said there's a line on her pregnancy test. Pretty odd place to do cocaine if you ask me.

What should a joke have in common with a pregnancy? A good delivery.

How do you know kidney stones are worse than pregnancy? After a a kidney stone, nobody says “let’s have another”

If you want to prevent pregnancy use two condoms and... Fill chille powder in between. If outer one breaks she will know if inner one breaks you will know..

I was a bit worried so I took a pregnancy test My mom will be proud, this is my first time passing a test!

Unless you’re a pregnancy test.... Take your negativity elsewhere.

What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common? They both require chickpea.

How are cancer and pregnancy similar? They can both be fixed with intense radiation therapy.

My wife told me that cooking was getting very very difficult due to her 8 months pregnancy So I added telescope handles on all of the kitchen utensils. I love my wife.

There’s a married couple, Nancy and Dave, at a dinner party talking to a friend about their pregnancy Friend: You look great, you’re glowing!
Nancy: Thank you! I really put the Nancy in pregnancy
Dave: And I really put the pregnancy in Nancy!

What does a pregnancy and alcoholism have in common? They can both be ended with a twelve step program

What's the proper punctuation for a negative pregnancy test? A period.

Define contraceptive pill? It's the second best thing that a women can keep in her mouth to avoid Pregnancy!

I hope you were all kind to your mother's on Mother's day. Imagine the patience and travail of 9 month's pregnancy then painful labor... And then it's you.

Why is pregnancy not the worst pain known to man? Because men don't give birth.

A man is sitting at a bar and asks for 3 shots He takes one shot and says "these two are for my unborn children that never made it."
"Pregnancy complications?" Asked the bartender.
"No..." said the man, "they dried up in a sock."

A man walks into a library and asks for a book about pregnancy. The librarian tells him it's in the C-section.