Communist Jokes

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Funniest Communist Jokes

Funny Communist Jokes

Communist jokes are not funny... unless everyone gets them

What type of joke is the best joke? A Communist joke, because everyone gets it.

My Communist girlfriend is a real psycho.... How in the world did I miss all the red flags?

Did you hear about the communist sniper? He was an incredible marxman

What do you call a communist pirate ship? The USS-ARRR

A black man, a Muslim, and a Communist walk into a bar... The bartender says, "Hello, Mr. President!"

Courtesy of my Fox News-watching mom...

What do you call a communist sniper Marxman

Have you heard about Marx's tomb? They say it's a Communist plot

Do you know why you should never hire a communist employee? Because they only work in theory

What do you call a passive communist country? The so-be-it union (one of my original jokes)

What do you call a communist who's good with a rifle? A marxman.

What do you call a communist with a rifle? A Marxman

Communist jokes aren’t funny Unless everyone gets them

What did the communist use before they used candles? electricity.

Give a communist a fish? Feed them for a day

Teach a communist to fish

Now government has more fish

Two men at the Communist Nudist Colony are sitting on the porch... One turns to the other and says, "I say old boy, have you read marx?"
The other says, "Yes, I believe it's these wicker chairs."

Why did the communist spell his name without an upper-case letter? Because he hated capitalism

In Communist China Winnie the Pooh owns Disney

What do you give a stoned communist who did well on a test? High Marx.

Why are communist jokes funny? Everyone gets them

What do you call a cowardly, depressed communist that recycles? A green yellow red with the blues.

Communist jokes aren’t funny... Unless everybody gets them

Communist jokes aren't funny Unless everyone gets them

I'm training to be a sniper in the Communist Revolutionary Forces... ... I'll be the designated Marxman!

What do you call a communist dog? Karl Barx

Shout-out to "Matt & Tom" for that ?

Why are communist jokes so good? Everybody gets them

My friend was dating a communist He should have noticed earlier; there were a lot of red flags.

A communist joke isn’t funny Unless everyone gets it

communist jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets it

A communist joke is only funny if everyone gets it

What sound does a communist cat make? Mao.

A Slovak oligarch, Japanese nationalist, communist and a pirate meet in a parliament... This isn't a joke. It's Czech Republic.

Why did the communist kill all of the civilians in the town square, regardless of their social class? Because he was an expert Marxman.

A man walked into a communist school... only to find that they had no classes.

A communist girl thought I was cute. Next thing I know she seized my means of reproduction!

My date was going really well until I noticed a large communist symbol on her wall It was a big red flag

what do you call a communist karen? sharon

Did you hear about the communist couple that went to a fertility clinic? They wanted to seize the means of reproduction.

Why are communist jokes so funny? Because everybody gets it

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New Communist Jokes

What do you call a communist U-Haul? A We-Haul.

What do you call a communist apple product? A we-phone

Communist Jokes They're not funny unless everyone gets them.

Why does Alfred the Impolite Communist always stay inside when it rains? Because Rude Alf the Red knows rain dear.

What do you call a communist bird? Starling

What do you call a communist cat? Mao

A contest for political jokes is held in a communist country. Main prize: 20 years

How does a LGBT Communist get to work? On their Bi-Sickle!

It's not a communist joke, Unless everyone gets it

What does a fat communist have? Stretch Marx

Why is the stoner communist always top of his class? Because he gets high Marx

Why is a communist joke always funny? Because everyone gets it.

How do you call a communist sniper? A marxman

Communist jokes They’re not funny unless everyone gets them

What did my communist girlfriend say when she grabbed my balls? I’m seizing your means of production.

One flight passenger to another: "The pilot is an idiot, he believes his aircraft was a communist leader." "What makes you think so?" asks the other. "I overheard him yelling 'The plane is Stalin! The plane is Stalin!'"

I read the communist manifesto, and I gotta say it wasn’t as good as the greatest literary work of all-time... ...the Percy Jackson series.

A communist joke is useless If everyone doesn’t get it

Communist cars are unreliable. They’re always Stalin.

What's the difference between a capitalist and a communist? A communist will call you "comrade" while stealing everything you have, unlike a capitalist who won't bother calling you comrade.

Arkansas is the most communist state. Because its not YOUR Kansas, its OUR Kansas.

Who is a cats favorite Communist leader? Meow Zedong

What’s black and white and red all over? Communist propaganda in the 50’s

Communist Party of China: Wuhan virus? \*Lies about the outbreak till a global pandemic occurs\*

Communist Party of China: No, OUR virus.

What did the communist who was tired of walking say to the capitalist? "Give me a piggy back ride!"









I'll see myself out

Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets it. And don’t say this is a repost because it’s our joke.

The F in Communism stands for food ​

​

But let's be honest, Communist jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets it

Seize ## I dated a communist once

She told me to seize her means of reproduction

A Russian, A Communist and a Spy Walk walk into a bar he orders a drink

Do you know why children couldn't watch movies during the communist times? All of them were "Our" rated.

A Shinto Priest was walking by a member of the Japanese Communist Party holding a copy of the Marx's Manifesto He pointed at the guy and shouted: "What are you, a kami?"

What do you call a communist with a bow? Robin Hood.

A communist pickup line Hey girl , i'd like to share my means of production with you.

Hello welcome to today’s Communist marathon... On your Marx....

It is fitting that Coronavirus started in communist China because everyone is going to get it.

This is a communist bathroom You're only allowed to we.

A rich man visits Karl Marx as he's writing the Communist manifesto. He asks: "So what's in that book of yours, Mr. Marx?"

Marx replies: "None of your business."

I was told to stop making communist jokes. But that doesn't work, I need to share them with everyone.

It’s not a communist joke unless... Everybody gets it.

I was walking down the street when a dog bit me... I turned to my friend and said “Ahh, that dog bit me. I wish we were in China.” “Why China?” He asked. “Because in Communist China you bite dog

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Long Communist Jokes

In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

Back in the U.S.S.R.

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

A Couple is Walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve...

A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining," says the man.

"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the main. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?

"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

EDIT: Wow thank you everyone! My first post that got more THEN 1 UPVOTE! :D

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve

They feel a slight precipitation.


"I think it’s raining," says the man.



"No, it’s snowing," replies the woman.


"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"


"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.


The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg square on Christmas eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining" says the man.

"I think it's snowing" says the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He's always right!" Exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining," officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

A couple is walking down St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve when they feel a slight precipitation.

"It's raining", says the man.

"No, it's snowing", replies the woman.

"How about we ask this communist officer here. He's always right", suggests the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or is it snowing?"

"Definitely raining", replies Officer Rudolph before walking off.

The man turns to his wife and says, "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

A couple is walking in Moscow when they feel a slight precipitation

The husband says "ah, it's raining"

The wife replies "no it's snowing"

"How about we ask this communist officer here" replies the husband, "he is always right!,

"Officer Rudolph, Is it raining or snowing?"

"definitely raining" replies Rudolph before walking off

"see?" says the husband,


"Rudolph the red knows rain, dear"

In USSR we had a joke

A terminally ill jewish man is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wishes to join the Communist Party. A partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he takes the membership card and presses it against his heart. In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist dies"

In the spirit of Christmas, I've decided to regift this joke.

A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining," says the man.

"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the main. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?

"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

A Russian couple walks down a street in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining," he says to his wife.

"No, that feels like snow to me, dear," she replies.

Just then, a minor communist party official walks towards them.

"Let's not fight about it," the man says. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

"It's raining, of course" Comrade Rudolph says and walks on.

But the woman insists, "I know that felt like snow."

To which the man quietly says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Credit to /u/Bidonet

A couple are walking in St. Petersburg square on Christmas Eve.

They start to feel some light precipitation


"I think it's raining" says the man


"No it's snowing" replies the woman.

"How about we ask this communist officer here?" "He is always right" exclaims the man.
"Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"


"Definitely raining" officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The man turns to his wife and says.

"See? Rudolph the red knows rain, dear"

An American and a Russian freeze themselves for a 100 years

....taking a bet whose country will be doing better in the future. So they enter the cryo chamber and go to sleep. When they wake up, they buy a newspaper. The Russian takes it and as he reads the headline, he starts smiling.
"The communist party wins the U.S. Elections for the fifth time in a row"

Furious, the American grabs the paper and skims through. Suddenly he starts laughing, so the Russian asks "what could you find? I obviously won!"

The American hands him the paper and points to an article which reads

"Repeated conflicts on the Chinese-Polish border"

A man and his wife...

Are walking through the park when some grey clouds roll in. As the clouds open and water falls, the wife says, "Well isn't this a nice mist dear?" "Actually honey, it's rain," replies the husband. So they argue whether it's rain or mist for a little before the husband says, "You know what, how about we ask my communist friend Dolph? He is a little mean but he knows his rain."

So they go together to Dolph's house and the his and asks him, "Dolph, is this rain or mist?" "Why it's obviously rain you idiot, now go away!" Dolph exclaims

So as they're walking home, the husband says, "See, I told you rude dolph the red knows rain dear."

A Russian couple was walking down the streets of Saint Petersburg on Christmas Eve

And they felt a slight precipitation on their heads.

"I think its raining" says the man

"No its snowing" says the woman

"How about we ask this communist officer here? He is always right!" The man exclaims. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining" he said before walking away.

The man turns to his wife and says with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve.

They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining," says the man.

"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

A couple are walking through St Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve

They feel a slight precipitation.

The man says, "I think it's raining."

His wife disagrees, "No, it's snowing!"

Unable to agree, the man says, "why don't we ask the nice Communist officer over here? He's always right! Officer Rudolf, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining," said the officer before walking off.

"See?" the husband says, "Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."

Two brothers, John, and Bob, who lived in America and were members of the communist party, decided to emigrate to the USSR.

Even though they didn't believe the American media's negative reports on the conditions in the USSR, they decided to exercise caution. John would go to Russia to test the waters. If they were right and it was a communist paradise, than John would write a letter to Bob using black ink. If, though, the situation in the USSR was as bad as the American media liked to portray, and the KGB was a force to be feared, John would use red ink to indicate whatever he says in the letter must not be believed.

In three months John sent his first report. It was in black ink and read, "I'm so happy here! It's a beautiful country, I enjoy complete freedom, and a high standard of living. All the capitalist press wrote was lies. Everything is readily available! There is only one small thing of which there's shortage. Red ink."

A couple was walking down their street in Christmas Eve, enjoying the lights, when suddenly...

...they feel a little precipitation. The man says, "I think it's raining, we should go back home."

The woman says, "No, I think it's snowing."

The couple argues about this for a few minutes. The woman looks around and sees a communist officer wandering around that street. "Let's ask that communist officer."

So the couple walks over. "Officer Rudolph, sir, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining," says Officer Rudolph.

The man turned to his wife, grinning, and says, "See, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Everyone says that China doesn't have any freedom of speech. That's obviously untrue.

In the United States, you can go up to the White House and shout "Down with America!", and you won't be punished for it.

Similarly, in China, you can go up to the Communist Party Headquarters and shout "Down with America!", and you won't be punished for it.

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Wanted to update an oldie but goodie to modern times.

A couple was walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve

A couple was walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve.

"I think it's raining," says the man.

The woman replies, "No, it's snowing."

"Let's ask this communist officer here. He's always right," explains the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing currently?"

"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replied.

The man turns to his wife and says, "Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."

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