Batman Jokes

Contents

Funniest Batman Jokes

When Batman is investigating a crime, the most likely explanation is that the Joker did it. That's Arkham's Razor.

Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors? Easy.


Batman doesn't want to get shot.

My friend said to me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I said, “That’s Superman.” He said, “Thanks man, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film. Our dates can be summarized as followed: Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN

Funny Batman Jokes

What do you call it when batman skips church? Christian Bale.

What does Batman put in his beverages? Just ice.

Batman walks into a room which alfred is ìn, late at night. "Alfred could you fill up the bathtub please" batman said after entering the room.
Alfred replied with, "what's a htub sir?"

What's the difference between a black man and Batman? Batman can go inside a store without Robin

What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bail.

A buddy said to me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” - I said, “That’s Superman.”


He said, “Thanks man, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

Why did Batman rush to the Bat Cave? He had to go to the Bat Room.

[an old classic]

What's it called when Batman skips church? Christian Bale

What's the difference between Batman and a black man? Batman can walk the streets without Robin.

You want to know what's the most unrealistic thing from Batman V superman? (not a spoiler) A democratic senator from Kentucky.

What's the difference between batman and Blackman? Batman can go to the store without robin


Edit: glad you'll liked it :-)

Auto-correct walks into a bar... And the batman says, 'why the log fence?'

Why so serious? A lady asked me if I thought she was wearing to much makeup.
I told her it depends ...
on whether she was trying to kill Batman or not.

I saw Batman leaving Church early on Easter It was the first time I had seen a Christian Bale

Why does Batman wear a mask? Because the citizens of Gotham aren't morons, like those idiots over in Metropolis

What does Batman put in his tea? Just ice.

What did Batman say to Robin before he got in the car? Robin, get in the car.

What do batman and 16 atoms of sodium have in common? Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na

Add a word to ruin a movie: - Batman Begins College
- The Longest Yard Sale
- Charlottes Web Cam.

Robin was having problems starting the Batmobile And then he went to Batman "The Batmobile won't start!"

"Have you checked the battery?"

"What's an Ery?"

What's it called when Batman skips out on Church? Christian Bale

How do you get Batman into the Marvel Universe? Hang him on the wall. Now he's a Bruce Banner.

What do you call Batman when he skips church? Christian Bail

What's it called when Batman ditches church? Christian bail.

Add a word to ruin a movie: **- Batman Begins College - The Longest Yard Sale - Charlottes Web Cam.**

​

Your Turn :)

What is the difference between batman and a black guy? Batman can walk into a store without Robin

What's a police officers favorite console? Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U.

Edit: Gee Wilikers Batman I've got 151 upvotes yayyyyyy. :D

What does Batman take with his drinks? Just ice

What happens when batman takes viagra? The dark knight rises

I got banned from donating clothes to the local orphanage Apparently they don't appreciate Batman costumes......

This week Lego Batman sold more tickets than the sequel to 50 Shades of Grey... When asked to comment about this 50 Shades stated "It's okay, I like to be dominated."

What is the difference between Batman and a black man? Batman can go into a convenience store without Robin.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the batmobile? Get in the batmobile.

Batman told me he was skipping church this week. Classic Christian Bale

What do you call a Batman that skips church on Sunday Christian Bail

Popular Topics

New Batman Jokes

If batman had a stutter "Who are you?"

"I am B-B-Batman

How long does it take Batman to change a lightbulb? Depends. How much prep time does he get?

Batman is having a good month Supercriminals: "Okay! I'll go quietly! Just don't cough on me!"

What did Batman show the Joker when he dropped his batpants? Deez batnutz.

GOTHAM!

If Batman had a similar origin story to Spider-Man He'd be widely known now as a bad man; a virulante.

Chadwick Boseman walks into a bar. The batman asks him to do the Wakanda X. Chadwick Boseman leaves the bar.

Batman would be low tier in smash bros He never kills

Why is Batman a horrible bartender? He only serves just ice.

What do you call it when batman leaves church? a Christian Bale

Batman was in Time Square, and he kept getting offered mixtapes he didn't want All he could say was

"Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah"

What did Batman say to Robin before getting in the Batmobile? "Get in."

Batman and Joker meer in a bar Joker: "Hey Batman, wanna hear a joke?"

Batman: "Yeah sure."

Joker: "Parental love."

Batman: "I didn't get that."

Joker: "I know right."

What does Batman put in his scotch? Justice.

Whenever Batman sees a women Dark Knight rises.

What happens when Batman is fighting Harley Quinn? The dark knight rises.

What do you call Batman the morning after a big fight? Bruised Wayne

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile? “Please get in the batmobile”

Batman was my tour guide in Antarctica. “What can we even find around here?”

“Justice.”

How does batman deliver villains to the gotham police? right off the bat

A man walks into a Blockbuster somewhere in the midwest. “Hello sir I would like to rent Batman Forever”

“Impossible sir you have to return it on Monday”

“What about The Day After Tomorrow?”

“That’s Sunday sir”

What do you call it when Batman ditches church early? Christian Bale.

Why is Batman so good at hitting home runs? He has a batting cage.

What do you call Batman when he is injured? Bruised Wayne

Batman hit me in the head with a vase and said “t’pau” and I said “don’t you mean kappow” and he said “No, I’ve got China in my hand”

What do you call Batman when he doesn't go to church on Sunday? Christian Bale.

What if Batman skipped the Church? Christian Bale.

What do you call Batman and Robin after the get run over by a steam roller? Flatman and Ribbon.

Batman order a drink. Waiter asks, "Pepsi or Coke?" Batman responds, "Just ice."

What did Batman say to Robin right before they got into the Batmobile? Hey. Get in the Batmobile.

Why did Batman turn Catwoman into the police after she gave birth? Because **littering** is a crime.

What did Batman put in Mr. Freeze's drink? Just ice.

Why don't cops shut down Klan rallies? Same reason you never see Bruce Wayne and Batman together.

Why does Batman wear dark colors? So Batman doesn’t get shot

Why does Robin wear bright colors?
So Batman doesn’t get shot

What happens with BatMan when Wonder Woman walks in all naked? His Dark Knight rises.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? “Robin, get in the car”

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase He shouted T'PAU!

I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??

He said "No, I've got China in my hand."

Where does overweight Batman live? In the fat cave

What is it called when Batman skips church? A Christian Bale!

Batman / American Psycho I heard they might be doing a Batman / American psycho movie cross over?

It's going to be called Bateman Begins.

Whats the difference between Batman and a Scouser? A Scouser can't go without robin.

Popular Topics

Long Batman Jokes

Batman gets a call from Robin, who was having trouble with the car

"Batman, I can't get the Batmobile to start! I turn the Batkey, press the Batpedal, but nothing!"

Batman thinks a moment before asking "Did you check the battery?"

There are a few seconds of silence before Robin asks "What's a tery?"

A boy wishes to be Batman...

One day, a small ten year old boy was playing with his favorite Batman action figures in his attic when he found a strange lamp. Noticing how dusty it was, he decided to polish it a little. Before he knew it, out flew a magic genie.

"Greetings!" said the genie. "In exchange for freeing me, I will grant you one wish."

Without skipping a beat, the boy said "I want to be Batman!"


Sighing and taking on a grim expression, the genie materialized a bandana and gun out of thin air. Taking on a sad tone and wrapping the bandana around his face, he beckoned the boy to follow him to the kitchen, where both of his parents were preparing a lovely meal for all three of them.

"Don't look away," said the genie, as he proceeded to then shoot both of the boy's parents in the head. As the boy kneeled over their corpses, the genie poofed away.

When the cops arrived, the boy told them his story, which they remarkably believed. One detective turned to the other, with only one thing to say.

"Thank God he didn't wish to be Superman."

1960s Batman Phase (Original Joke Fight Me Reposters)

A director wanted to make a movie about Batman, but sadly D.C. wouldn't allow him to film it. So he decided he will just make the movie but instead of using the character's real names he would just take away the last letter of their names. Batman became Batma and he fought crime with his trusty partners Alfre and Robi. The film then showed the dynamic duo and their butler fighting crime all over the city. Near the end of the movie, though, Batma is supposed to go into the criminal base and find his archnemesis there. The filming starts, and Batma bursts through the door to the base. As he looked around, though, he made a confused expression and said "Where is the Joke?"

Going To The Movies

I told my wife I wanted to watch a movie about a billionaire playboy with a penchant for darkness, inflicting violence and dressing up in masks.

She got excited and asked, "Are we really go to see *50 Shades*?"

I laughed and told her I was talking about *The Lego Batman Movie*.

The Killing Joke

**For those of you who haven't hear it. This is the one that Joker tells to Batman that makes him laugh, and sparks some debate on whether or not Bats killed the joker. Anyways here it is...**

"See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. Y'see... Y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea... He says "Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!" B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says "Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy?
You'd turn it off when I was half way across!

A duck walks in to a bar

And asks the bartender if he has any bread. “Go away duck! We don’t have any bread” said the bartender.

The duck waddles off.

The next day the duck returns to the bar and asks the bartender if he has any bread. “Go away duck! I told you we don’t have any bread!”

The duck again waffles off.

The following day the duck returns and before he can ask the bartender a question, the Batman flies in to a tirade, “if you ask me if I have any bread I’m going to nail your bill to the bar!”

The duck asks “do you have any nails?”

The Bartender says no.

The ducks asks “do you have any bread?”

"..A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news, and worse news..'"

"This remind me of a hilarious joke. A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news, and worse news.'
'What are the bad news?' asks the patient.
'You only have 24 hours to live.' replies the doctor.
'Oh my, that's terrible! What could possibly be worse than that?!'
'Well, I've been trying to contact you since yesterday...!'
Haha! Always knocks em out!"

- The Joker on The Batman cartoon.

There were 2 guys locked in a lunatic asylum, one night they decided they didn't like that very much.

They decided to escape. They make it up to the roof and just across this narrow gap they see a rooftop stretching across town, stretching to freedom. Now the first guy he jumps right across, no problem, but his friend? Oh no, he's afraid of falling. So the first guy, he has an idea, he says "hey! I got this flashlight with me. I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings and you can walk across the beam and join me!" but the 2nd guys says "what do you think I am, crazy? You'd just turn it off when I'm half-way across"

​

(Heard this joke on Batman The Killing Joke. Never seen it posted here. It always makes me laugh)

Batman walks into a bar with a pig...

It was a hot summers day and the barman thinks it's a strange sight, not to just see Batman, but to see him with a pig that has jet black hair, black eye shadow and studded bracelets.
The barman says "Is there anything I can get you Batman?"
He replies "Just-ice for goth-ham"

Batman and Robin are camping in the desert ...

Batman and Robin are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep. Some hours later, Batman wakes his faithful friend. "Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Robin replies, " I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks Batman. Robin ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Batman?"

Batman is silent for a moment, then speaks: " Robin, someone has stolen our tent."

Two guys locked in a lunatic asylum.

Joker: See there were two guys locked in a lunatic asylum. And one night, one night they decided they didn't like that anymore. They decided to escape.
So they made it up to the roof and there, just across the narrow gap, they see rooftops, stretching across the town, stretching to freedom.
Now, the first guy he jumps right across, no problem.
But his friend, no way, he's afraid of falling.
So the first guy, he has an idea.
He says "hey, i got this flashlight with me. I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings and you can walk across the beam and join me."
But the second guy says, "what do you think i am crazy? You'll just turn it off when I'm halfway across."

Joker laughs. Batman chuckles. Both laugh.

-The Killing Joke

Edit:source

Joker's Joke which made Batman laugh

There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... And one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend did not dare make the leap. Y'see... Y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea... He says 'Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!' B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says 'Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!

Batman becomes a standup comedian and says a joke

My parents died when I was a boy. You would think the day they died would be the worst day of my life…but it was actually six months later, when I started fourth grade.

Our teacher was fresh out of college, the ink on her teaching certificate still wet. She had this grand notion that with this, her first class of kids, she would be such a grand teacher that even in their old age, they would remember her and her wise words.

To this end, she decided to learn as much about each kid as she could. She announced to the class, “Listen, children. We’re going to play a game called ‘Three Questions’. When I come to you, I want you to answer these three questions. What’s your name? What’s your dad’s name? What does Dad do for a living?”

I started to slink under my desk. How would I impart that my father was dead? With each student dutifully answering her questions, she slowly made her way to me. By the time she got to me I was practically under the desk.

“Hi. What’s your name?”

“Bruce.”

“And your dad’s name?”

“Thomas.”

“What’s your dad do for a living?”

I blurted out, “He doesn’t do anything…BECAUSE HE’S DEAD!!!”

She should have moved on and left it alone. Instead she asked, “What did he do before he died?”

“He clutched his chest and went, ‘Aaaaaack! I’ve been shot!”

2 guys locked in a lunatic asylum.

See, there were 2 guys locked in a lunatic asylum. One night, they decided to escape. They made it up to the rooftop, across this narrow gap, they see rooftops. Stretching out into freedom.

The first guy, he jumps across no problem. But his friend, nope, afraid of falling. First guy thinks of an idea, he says "hey, i got this flashlight with me, I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings and you can walk across the beam and join me!"

The 2nd guy says, "what do you think i am, crazy? you'll just turn it off when i'm half way across!"


*source, the joker tells batman this joke, batman laughs w/ him for the first time. *

A kindergarten teacher asked her students to each bring something that they like.

Bobby shares first. "I brought a bone, because I love my dog." "That's great," says the teacher. "Mary, you're next."
Meanwhile, at the back of the classroom, Jerry takes off all his clothes and wears a giant USSR flag, as everyone stares.


Mary brings forward a plant and says, "I brought a plant because I like nature." "Wonderful," says the teacher, "Now how about William?" Now, Jerry pulls out a giant leprechaun hat and puts it on his head, while putting on a Batman mask. Everyone is looking at Jerry now.

Next, William takes out a hockey puck. "I really like playing hockey!" But the teacher isn't even paying attention anymore. "Okay Jerry, how about you tell us what you like?"

Jerry responds, "I like antijokes."

Found a list I made a few years ago, wanted to share them with you all. Hopefully one of these makes you smile :). I know some are reposts but know that many haven’t seen some of these jokes.

Where do animals go when their tails fall off?
The Retail Store

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
Bison

Have you heard the Cookie Joke?
You wouldn't like it. It is pretty crumby!

What do you call a singing Laptop?
A DELL

What Crime did the tree commit?
Treeson

Why can't you trust the king of the jungle?
Because He Is Always Lion

What do you call a group of unorganized cats?
A CAT-tastrophe

Why shouldn't you play poker in the savanna?
Because There Are Too Many Cheetahs There

What did the axe murderer say to the judge?
It Was An AXI-dent

What do you call it when you shoot a gun in space?
A Big-Bang

What do you call a turtle that pokes people?
A Slow-Poke

Why did the chalkboard want to be a whiteboard?
It Heard They Were Remarkable

Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet?
Because He Was Always Lost At “C”

How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips

What did the older chimney say to the younger chimney?
You’re Too Young To Smoke

What do you call an old snowman?
Water

How do billboards talk?
Sign Language

Why did the smartphone need glasses?
It Lost All Of Its Contacts

Why didn't the sun go to college?
Because it had a million degrees

What vegetables to librarians like?
Quiet Peas

What do librarians take with them when they go fishing?
Bookworms

When do astronauts eat?
At launch time

What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams

Why did the kid study in the airplane?
Because he wanted a higher education

Why did the music teacher need a ladder?
Because he wanted to reach the higher notes

How do you get straight A's?
By using a ruler

How did the geography student drown?
His grades were below C level

Where do crayons go on vacation?
Color-ado

What's a pirate's favorite country?
AAARRRGHentina!

Where do fish keep their money?
In Riverbanks

Why does a Yeti know all the map symbols?
Because he is a legend

Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake

Why don't you do arithmetic homework in the jungle?
Because if you do 4+4, you get ate

Why won’t the elephant use the computer?
Because he’s afraid of the mouse

What kind of snack do you have during a scary movie?
I-scream

How can you tell the ocean is friendly?
It waves

Which runs faster, hot or cold?
Hot; Everyone catches a cold

Did people laugh when the lady fell on the ice?
No… but the ice cracked up

Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
They don’t have the guts

Why was school easier for cavemen?
There was no history to study

Why did the M&M go to school?
Because he wanted to be a smartie

Why was the teacher wearing sunglasses to school?
Her students were bright

What has given Mr. Bubbles nightmares since elementary school?
Pop Quizzes

What kind of school do you go to if you’re an ice cream man?
Sundae school

What kind of school do you go to if you’re a giant?
High school

What kind of school do you go to if you’re a surfer?
Boarding School

Where are the Great Plains located?
At the great airports

What do you give to a sick lemon?
Lemon Aid

What do you get when you throw a lot of books in the ocean?
A title wave

Why was the math book always worried?
Because it had a lot of problems

Why did the robber take a shower?
So it would be a clean getaway

Which state does the most laundry?
Washington

Why are maps like fish?
Because they both have scales

What’s the happiest state in the union?
Merry-Land

If con is the opposite of pro, then what is the opposite of congress?
Progress

Why was the teacher cross-eyed?
She couldn’t control her pupils

What subject in school is easy for a witch?
Spell-ing

What did the computer do at lunchtime?
It had a byte

What is snake's favorite subject?
Hiss-tory

Why did the teacher write on the window?
To make the lesson very clear

What building has the most stories?
The library

What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet

What do you call a grizzly bear caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear

What do you give to a sick bird?
Tweetment

Two flies are on the porch. Which one is an actor?
The one on the screen

How do fleas travel from place to place?
By itch-hiking

What is a cat’s favorite color?
Purr-ple

Why can’t a leopard hide?
Because it is always spotted

What did the cat have for breakfast?
Mice crispies

What does an evil hen lay?
Deviled eggs

Where to cows go for entertainment?
The moo-vies

Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off

Why did the student take a ladder to school?
He/she was going to high school

What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin’ catholic

What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hotdog vender?
Make me one with everything

What did the drug-dealing duck sell?
Quack

What is the highest road?
The highway

What is round at each end and high in the middle?
Ohio

What is the fastest country in the world?
Russia

Wonder Woman

Batman is talking to the Flash. "Hey, Flash, did you hear about Wonder Woman? She was lying on the roof of her building naked moving her hips in a suggestive manner. Superman was flying by and saw her. He took off his clothes, flew down and landed right on top."

Flash says, "Boy, I bet Wonder Woman was surprised."

Batman answers, "Not nearly as surprised as the invisible man!"

Batman in school

When Bruce was still a kid and was in school, one day a teacher announced  “Listen, children. We’re going to play a game called ‘Three Questions’. When I come to you, I want you to answer these three questions. What’s your name? What’s your dad’s name? What does Dad do for a living?”

When she reached Bruce, the conversation went:

“Hi. What’s your name?”

“Bruce.”

“And your dad’s name?”

“Thomas.”

“What’s your dad do for a living?”

“He doesn’t do anything…BECAUSE HE’S DEAD!!!”

Teacher asked  “What did he do before he died?”

*“He clutched his chest and went, ‘Aaaaaack! I’ve been shot!”*

Heard it today. Apparently it is from some Batman comic.

Topical Joke Takeover 8/22/13

In New York City, a man charged with repeatedly sneaking into jails has been sentenced to 10 years in prison. When the sentencing was read the man asked, “How soon can we get there?”.

…it’s the first time someone’s been sentenced to 10 years in prison and then did a cartwheel out of the courtroom.

…the man’s lawyer has vowed to appeal, in order to get his client more time.

It’s been announced that in the upcoming “Superman/Batman” movie, that Ben Affleck will play Batman. It could be the first time in history that an Oscar-winner, has played Batman, and had to *give back* their Oscar.

…the role of Batman has been adjusted a little at Ben Affleck’s request. Namely, Batman’s true identity is Ben Affleck.

A new study in Ohio shows that living on welfare, is better than working for minimum wage. The findings were part of a study called, “How Can We Get More People On Welfare?”.

In Canada, a man wants to clone John Lennon from one of Lennon’s rotten teeth. If the procedure works, next he’ll clone Kurt Cobain using an unwashed flannel shirt.

…and so the tooth-Lennon won’t be lonely, they’ll clone a wife for him using one of Yoko Ono’s boogers.

After being accused of not being a US citizen, Senator Ted Cruz joked that he was born in Ethiopia. Because if there’s one thing that racist conspiracy theorists understand, it’s satire.

In Florida, a couple beat and pistol-whipped a Dunkin’ Donuts employee after he gave them the wrong type of iced coffee. The employee said the mistake was no big deal, the coffee at Dunkin Donuts is so bad, they probably would’ve beaten him up anyway.

A science teacher in New York state claims that “Double Stuf” Oreos aren’t twice as big as regular Oreos. Nabisco has fixed the problem, by making regular-sized Oreos 30% *smaller.*

(Thanks for reading, and have a great weekend!)

There were two guys in a lunatic asylum (LONG).

This joke is in honor of the Batman comic The Killing Joke getting a movie release (no matter how lukewarmly it was received).

So there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum, and one night, they decide they don't like living in an asylum anymore. They decide they are going to escape.

So, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light… stretching away to freedom.

Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn’t dare make the leap. He's afraid of falling.

The first guy has an idea… He says, “Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I’ll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!”

The second guy just shakes his head. "What do you think I am? Crazy? You’d turn it off when I was half way across!"

Popular Topics