Vegetable Jokes

Contents

Funniest Vegetable Jokes

Funny Vegetable Jokes

What does a vegetable get in bowling? A-spare-I-guess

What do you get when you mix a broccoli and a melon? The saddest vegetable known to man: a melonccoli.

what has four letters, is a vegetable if you take away the last, an organ if you take away the first, and gives you a sense of pride and accomplishment if you take away both pear

What's the most hated vegetable in the world? Kim Jong un

My biology teacher asked me what was the ugliest vegetable IMO. Apparently, Stephen Hawking was the wrong answer.

A vegetable walks into a bar... Just kidding, he'll never walk again.

Why was the vegetable store robber embarrassed? He got caught taking a leek

What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable patch? Seizure Salad

What was the snowman doing in the vegetable patch? Picking his nose.

What do you call a vegetable that's only kinda cool? Radish

I seemed to have lost all my vegetable puns I hope they turnip somewhere

Which part of a vegetable isn't edible? His wheelchair.

What do you call a ward full of coma patients A vegetable garden.

Why is corn the best vegetable to talk to? It's all ears!

Hey girl if you were a fruit you'd
be a fineapple
And if you were a vegetable l'd
visit you everyday in the
hospital

What do you call a group of disabled people in a hot tub? Vegetable soup.

What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair

What vegetable shouldn't go on a boat? A Leek!!

My mom is the healthiest person I know... She's been a vegetable her whole life.

I once knew this vegetable joke ..but then they pulled the plug

I recently got a job at a Vegetable farm. It's hard work, but i get a decent celery.

What did the D.J. say to the Vegetable Farmer? Lettuce turnip the beet.

What vegetable likes to party? A turn-up

A friend asked me if every sentence has to include a vegetable I said not nessacelery

what do you call a semi cool vegetable rad-ish

What vegetable loves roller coasters? Celerweeeeeeeeeeeee!

A vegetable joke: One day, Mr. Lettuce and Ms. Kale got into a fight over who wears green better. Ms. Kale looks at Mr. Lettuce and says, "I will kale you" and Mr. Lettuce says, "Lettuce fight"

So I invented a new beef and vegetable recipe, but it wasn't so great... It was meaty-okra.

What did the vegetable say to the dj? lettuce turnip the beet

What's the only part of a vegetable you can't eat? The wheelchair...

What is a pirates least favorite vegetable Leaks

Which vegetable does everyone hate whether they admit it or not? Kim Jong-un

My fruit and vegetable business recently went into liquidation We now sell smoothies

What's the difference between a fruit and a vegetable in the South? A vegetable can get married

What vegetable is only slightly cool? A Radish

What do you call a sauna full of coma patients? A vegetable steamer.

What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden? Seizure Salad

What's the least favourite vegetable of the Trump administration? Leeks.

What's the worst vegetable to have on a boat? A leek.

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New Vegetable Jokes

A priest is celebrating mass. He begins with, "I was going to tell a vegetable joke, but I can't think of any, so lettuce pray."

Which vegetable has the most torque? Spin-ach!

What rank does Corn have in the Vegetable Army? Colonel!

I just thought of that while eating popcorn, I hope this hasnt been already posted.

What do you get if you put 20 paralyzed children in a pool? A vegetable soup

I asked my friend if you are what you eat what vegetable would you wanna be? He said a vietnam war veteran.

Which vegetable knows kung fu? Brock Lee

If Kim Jong Un really has become brain dead then I now have a lot more respect for him After all, he’s providing many North Korean citizens with what could well be their first look at a vegetable

What’s the hardest part about eating a vegetable Fighting off N. Korean security

Kim Jung Un is now the version of himself that he has always feared A Vegetable

What vegetable can you add to a heavy pot of water to make it lighter? Leeks!

Did you hear about the vegetable that was acquitted of murder? He beet the rap.

What do an overflowing bathtub and a vegetable have in common? The best thing with them is to pull the plug.

What kind of vegetable watches over the elderly? The Carrot-aker.

What do you call a vegetable with sick beats? A Rap Scallion

What do you call a vegetable that can fly? Christopher Reeves

A vegetable is working at his job His coworker went to him and asked « Hey bud! Wanna go eat outside this evening? »
And the vegetable responded: « Sorry, i can’t, haven’t got my celery yet.. »

I should probably eat a vegetable soon I'm thinking sometime next month.

What do you call a vegetable that isn't very good? A subparsnip.

What part of the vegetable is the hardest to eat? The wheelchair.

What’s a canibal’s favourite soup? Vegetable soup

What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The life support systems.

Smoothie bar A smoothie bar serving combined fruit and vegetable smoothies has been linked to bouts of depression and suicide.

Their ' Melon - Cauli ' smoothie has now been withdrawn.

Which vegetable might you find in your basement? Cellar-y!

A vegetable recently became a TV talk show host It's Okra Winfrey

I always cook with with vegetable oil. It was a Wesson I learned long ago.

What vegetable is the fanciest? Collared Greens

A smoothie bar serving combined fruit and vegetable drinks has been linked to bouts of depression and suicide... Their "Melon-Cauli" smoothie has now been withdrawn...

Did you hear about the vegetable farmer that retired? He just wanted some peas and carrot.

My fruit and vegetable business has gone into liquidation. We now sell smoothies.

We are in search of fresh vegetable puns. Please lettuce know

What did the cannibal say after eating a vegetable ? .
.
.
.
.
What should I do with the wheelchair?

Need some help So my friend and I have been trying to think of some vegetable jokes but are struggling.

If anyone has one please lettuce know

My wife keeps insisting that I tell her my favorite body part and vegetable I told her eye yam but she doesnt listen

I've been growing a beard for six months now. Everyone else at the vegetable patch is super confused.

What do you call a vegetable heist? A farmed robbery

What's the difference between a vegetable sitting and a thown American? One is a seated yam and the other is a yeeted sam.

A Brit, a Scandinavian and an American all entered their village fete's giant vegetable show. The swede won.

What does a vegetable wear to the beach? A zucchini

Vegetable puns make me feel good from my head tomatoes.

what's the hardest part about eating a vegetable putting her back in her wheelchair when ur done

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Long Vegetable Jokes

A wife sent a message to her husband..

A wife sent a message to her husband: “Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office, and Priscilla says hi to you.”

Husband: Who is Priscilla?

Wife: Nobody, I was just making sure you read my message.

Husband: But I’m with Priscilla right now, so which Priscilla are you talking about?

Wife: Where are you??

Husband: Near the vegetable market.

Wife: Wait I’m coming there right now...

After 10 minutes she texts her husband, “Where are you?”

Husband: I’m at the office. Now that you are at the market, buy whatever vegetables you need.

A collection of OC jokes!

Well I hope they're funny, anyway. The past few months I've been writing down anything that seems vaguely amusing to me. I imagine that some of them might be already-existing jokes without knowing it, but I hope you enjoy!

* I was offered a job studying fog but I turned it down. In hindsight, I think it was a mist opportunity.
* What vegetable likes to wait around in lines? Queuecumbers
* What's a pensioner's favourite genre of music? Hip-op
* I decided to drink something from a scientist's test tube. It tasted vial.
* Why did the artist visit the bank? To draw some money.
* What's the best thing about walking through a friendly forest? All the pleasantrees
* I was going to make a joke about alcoholism, but I decided against it because I thought it'd be a bit too whiskey.
* how do you greet the world's cleanest woman? "Hi, Jean".
* I got kicked out of the wig shop because I didn't want toupee.
* I bought an album called "Sounds of the Railway", but I didn't like any of the tracks
* I tried to get into the Guinness Book of Records by smashing up music albums. I broke a lot of records.
* Why were there clouds at the theatre production? Because it had been over cast.
* I used to have a job testing the durability of trainers. You might think that sounds easy, but it was sole-destroying work...
* Did you hear about the fellow who went insane trying to clear his sinuses? He ended up in a menthol hospital
* I used to be obsessed with going to the bank. I'm trying to stop but I have withdrawal symptoms...
* Why did the eagle go to church? Because it's a bird of pray.
* Where do fish go to earn a degree? Tunaversity.
* Someone suggested I should grow my hair down the back of my head. I wasn't keen on the idea, but I told them I'd mullet over.
* I watched a movie documentary about the history of tea exports, it was rated PG tips.
* Who stands outside the toddler nightclub? Baby bouncers.
* I have a very special type of dog - it was cross-bred with a vegetable. It's a border cauliflower
* What happened to the last aftershave in the cupboard? It felt colognely
* What do you inject into a suit to make it look bigger? Bowtux.



Bonus jokes that I didn't think were very good but decided to include anyway!!!!

* I had a dinner cooked by Dr. Who. It tasted dalektable (like... delectable)
* What do you call a sour supervisor? A lime manager.
* What food keeps you warm on a cold day? Fajitas... (like uh, fa-heaters...)
* What's the funniest type of cereal? A muesli (like... amuse-li?)
* The Bow and Arrow is an excellent weapon, with one drawback.
* Gambling can be very dangerous, if roulette it take over your life.
* What do you call a boring, unoriginal piece of fruit? A banalna.
* What do you call a piece of fruit that doesn't really matter? Not applic-apple.

The Deaf Wife

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.” “Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn’t reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness.” Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off standing about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks loudly, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.


Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.


"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife

He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time”
“Well,” the doctor replied, “go home tonight and stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her.
If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again.

Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness.” Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed.

He starts off standing about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” He hears no response.

He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply.

He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks loudly, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

She replies, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife

He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness".

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response.

He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

The phone rings at KGB headquarters

“Hello?”


“Hello, is this KGB?”


“Yes. What do you want?”


“I’m calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood.”


“This will be noted.”


Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Rabinovitz and leave.


The phone rings at Rabinovitz’s house.


“Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?”


“Yes.”


“Did they chop your firewood?”


“Yes, they did.”


“Okay, now it’s your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed.”

Saul the Dreamer (An Old Yiddish Joke from Centuries Back)

Here's one that's long, but probably not a repost.


Once upon a time there lived a man whose name was Saul the Dreamer. Saul was a man of roving and adventurous disposition, always ready to travel and explore. One day, an itinerant maggid told him about a far away country where onions were unknown.


"No onions!" mused the Dreamer. "Now what kind of pleasure can they derive from their food without onions? I'll go there and introduce the delicious vegetable." Without further delay he acquired a wagon-load of onions and started out for that country. It was a distant land and the journey took many months.


Immediately upon his arrival he went directly to the royal court and asked for an audience with the emperor.


"Your highness, I bring you a new vegetable that possesses the unique quality of improving all food," began Saul. "Even by itself it is a gourmet's delight. I urge you to try it."


"Very well," agreed the monarch. "But if this strange vegetable should prove injurious you will forfeit your head."


The dinner at which the onions were to be served was a formal one. All the ministers of state, the nobles, and high priests of the mighty realm were invited. The dishes which contained the onions were first tasted by Saul the Dreamer, then by the slaves, and then, in turn, by the potentates and prelates. Finally the emperor tasted the new vegetable. The reaction among all was of great enthusiasm. Serf and sovereign alike pronounced it most excellent in flavor and succulence. The monarch appropriated the wagon-load of onions for his court and gave Saul their weight in gold.


When the adventurer returned home, a committee of prominent citizens gathered to congratulate him on his good fortune. Four hours he told his curious landsleit of the splendor and magnificence he had witnessed in this distant land where gold was cheaper than onions.


Fired by these tales, one enterprising individual, Kolboynik by name, conceived a plan by which he was certain to make even a bigger fortune than had Saul the Dreamer. Garlic, he figured, is not only more expensive than onions but infinitely more fragrant. So why not take a few sacks of that delicacy to the faraway land? Sure, if they would exchange gold for onions, they would give him the equivalent weight in diamonds! Whereupon he set out for that mystic country with a cargo of five bags of garlic.


As did Saul the Dreamer, he succeeded in inducing the emperor to give his innovation a trial. And, just as he had foretold, the garlic was relished much more than the onions. The monarch held a consultation with his ministers as to the form of recompense to be paid this noble visitor. Gold, they unanimously decided, would not be an adequate remuneration for such a desirable food in which even God and his angels might take delight. Therefore they decided to reward him with the most precious commodity in all the kingdom.


And so Kolboynik returned home with his reward - five sacks of onions.

Onions

There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening. Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up. So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave, and heads over to his friend's.
He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair, and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink. As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion. She looks a bit sad, and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving, and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward, and a steady relationship between the two is struck. This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate. The two couldn't be happier! They both get jobs close to one another and move into a flat together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home. She's been ill all day, and checking has confirmed her suspicions. She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together. A shallot, if you will. A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion. They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day, and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth, and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents. Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic. He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion, and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard. She glances away to take another plate, and turns her vision back to the yard just in time to see her child wander into the adjacent road and get hit by a massive freight lorry.

She screams, runs out, and calls an ambulance.
The ambulance comes and rushes the frail child-onion to the Onion Hospital. Being in such a critical condition, he is rushed straight into the operating theatre, and mummy-and-daddy onion can do little but wait outside the theatre hoping for some news.
After an agonising five-hour wait, the weary-looking doctor-onion emerges in surgical garb, ready to impart news.

"So, Mr and Mrs Onion. Would you like the good news or the bad news?"

The couple ponder it for a moment, and then decide: "The good news, please."

The doctor-onion regards them briefly, and then says, "Well, the good news is we've managed to stabilise your child. The bad news is... he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

A Carrot is hosting a party

A carrot is hosting a party.

The first to arrive is Carrot's friend Apple, but accompanying him is somebody Carrot does not know. They look just like Apple, but green instead, and so, carrots says, "Hello Apple, who might your friend be?".

The new fellow replies, "Hello, I am also Apple, nice to meet you."

And so, after introductions, the pair entered into the house.

Next to arrive was Carrot's neighbor, onion, but walking next to him was someone Carrot does not know. They look identical to Onion, but have a deep purple-red hue. When they get to the door, Carrot greets them and says, "Good evening Onion, could you introduce me to your friend here?".

The red vegetable replies, "I'll introduce myself. Nice to meet you, Carrot. People refer to me as Onion."

And so, the two Oinons entered the house.

A third pair arrives, and this time it's Carrot's good friend Potato. Next to Potato is another stranger with the same appearence, but this time red in color. As they approach, Carrot says, "It's nice to see you, Potato.", and recalling what had just happened twice, says, "Ah, and you must also be called Potato, correct?".

The stranger looks at Carrot and replies, "I Yam."

Two carrots are walking together down the street,

One of them stepped onto the road and ended up getting run over by a car. The other carrot calls 911 and they take him to the hospital. After hours of waiting the doctor comes out
and says, "I have good news and bad news, the good news is your friend is going to make it, the bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life"

To the citizens of the USA from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

In the light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Our new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded -- a questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.


To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).


12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware of a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups and saucers, and never mugs, with high-quality biscuits (not cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.


*God Save the Queen!*


Disclaimer: I never saw this posted here, and though it may be a bit dated, I thought it was an entertaining read.
Ps: sorry it's long.

The onion joke.

There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening. Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up. So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave, and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair, and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink. As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion. She looks a bit sad, and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving, and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward, and a steady relationship between the two is struck. This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate. The two couldn't be happier! They both get jobs close to one another and move into a flat together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home. She's been ill all day, and checking has confirmed her suspicions. She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together. A shallot, if you will. A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion. They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day, and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth, and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents. Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic. He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion, and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard. She glances away to take another plate, and turns her vision back to the yard just in time to see her child wander into the adjacent road and get hit by a massive freight lorry.

She screams, runs out, and calls an ambulance.

The ambulance comes and rushes the frail child-onion to the Onion Hospital. Being in such a critical condition, he is rushed straight into the operating theatre, and mummy-and-daddy onion can do little but wait outside the theatre hoping for some news.

After an agonising five-hour wait, the weary-looking doctor-onion emerges in surgical garb, ready to impart news.

"So, Mr and Mrs Onion. Would you like the good news or the bad news?"

The couple ponder it for a moment, and then decide: "The good news, please."

The doctor-onion regards them briefly, and then says, "Well, the good news is we've managed to stabilise your child. The bad news is... **he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life.**"

Two carrots are out for a drive in the country

Two carrots are out for a drive in the country
And they're having the time of their lives. They're going fast around the curves and letting the wind in their stalks, just loving it. All of a sudden, they get in a pretty horrific crash and are then rushed to the hospital. One of the carrots is ok, just minor cuts and scrapes, but the other is in pretty bad shape and is rushed into the OR.
After hours of operating, the doctor comes out to the other carrot in the waiting room and says, "I've got some good news and I've got some bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to live. The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

A hunter lived alone in the middle of a forest, in a small house by the river..

A short distance down a slope in front of his house, he had a garden where he would grow vegetables to supplement his diet of forest game and fish.



One morning, he awoke to the sounds of a thunderstorm and rushing water. Quickly getting dressed and stumbling outside, he saw the river had flooded.



Overflowing its banks, the waters swelled and flowed past, getting ever so closer to the hunter's abode. It would not reach the house, the hunter observed, for it had the higher ground. But there was no hope for the vegetable garden -- it was only a matter of minutes before the floodwaters would wash over it, ruining his harvest for that season.



_"Goddammit,"_ the hunter muttered.



Right before the hunter's eyes, a bolt of lightning struck the bank at the other side of the river, followed by a deafening clap of thunder and a massive explosion. Trees, rocks and chunks of dirt flew hundreds of feet into the air! 



No sooner had the debris started falling back to the ground when a monstrous tornado blew in from parts unknown and scooped them right up again. The tornado headed straight towards the river, uprooting more trees and rocks in its path, carving a deep gouge into the earth.



As soon as the tornado blew across the river, there was another flash of lightning and deafening clap of thunder. The tornado disappeared as quickly as it had materialised. The uprooted trees, rocks and dirt crashed into the river and its waters flowed into the deep gouge in the earth. The floodwaters receded, having come within inches of the hunter's vegetable garden.



Having witnessed the whole extravaganza from start to finish, the hunter could only stare, wide eyed, his legs shaking and mouth hanging stupidly open. It was a while before he finally managed to speak.



_"Whoa."_



From above him a voice boomed:



**_”YOU'RE WELCOME."_**

This one takes some thinking.

A guy takes his date to a dinner at the local country club. It’s an unusual setup: People have to wait in separate lines for each type of food.

As his date sits down, the guy volunteers to go get their dinner. First he waits in the line for the roast beef. Then he waits in the line for potatoes. Then he waits in the vegetable line, the bread line, and the gravy line. Finally he brings back two full plates of food.

“What would you like to drink?” he asks.

“A glass of punch would be nice,” she says. So he goes to get it. He scouts around and finds a line for wine, a line for beer, a line for soda, and even a line for milk. But after a while he gives up and goes back to his table.

Luigi's Fruit Shop

Maria went to Luigi's fruit and vegetable shop every week. She walked in on this particular day and said, 'Hello, Luigi. I woulda lika two kilos of tomatoes pleasa.'
'Ah, Maria, so sorry I have no tomatoes today.'
'Luigi, don'ta joka with me. You know that I always buy my tomatoes from you. Just give me my tomatoes, Luigi.'
'Maria, I told you, I have no tomatoes today.'
'Luigi, I'm in a hurry, please give me two kilos of tomatoes.'
'Maria, it's like this. How do you say "carrots", without the "c"?'
'Arrots.'
'How do you say "potatoes without the "p"?
'Otatoes.'
'How do you say "tomatoes" without the "f"?
'There's no "f" in tomatoes."
'That's whata I been trying to tell you, Maria. There's no effing tomatoes!'

A carrot and a celery are walking down the street.

A car comes by and runs over the celery. The carrot picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. After waiting a long time the doctor comes out of the emergency room and the carrot jumps up and asks "Is he going to be okay?"

The doctor replies "Well... he's going to live, but he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

3 spears of asparagus.... (xpost from DadJokes)

3 spears of asparagus are walking down some railroad tracks when a train comes along. The first asparagus says, "Watch this!"

He proceeds to make his way across the tracks, dodging and weaving between the wheels and making it clear to the other side.

The second asparagus says, "I got this!" and proceeds to dodge and weave across the track and between the wheels, only at the last second gets bumped off, leaving her with a bruised behind.

The last asparagus strolls up to tracks and hops right over and BAM gets slammed by underside of the train right in crown, breaking the stalk and sending him flying. His 2 friends come running up, they gather him up as best they can and rush him to the nearest hospital.

After a grueling 12 hour surgery, the head surgeon comes out to the waiting area to update the asparagus spears.

"well, I have good news and I have bad news." he said.

"The good news is your friend is going to live."

"The bad news is he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

So, there's these two tomatoes who are best friends ...

Ever since they grew up on the vine together, they've been inseparable. They played little league together, they had home room together all through high school, they even double dated to prom and shared a limo. As time went on, though, they slowly lost touch. During university they slowly lost touch with each other. Summer break hangouts, regular texting and online gaming slowly became infrequent emails and Facebook likes. Produce drifts apart, these things happen.

​

One day, though, they get to talking again and decide they need to get back together. That after all this time, they're not only going to celebrate their friendship but renew their commitment to stay best friends. No other friends, no ladies, just the two of them. They both plan time off work, travel back to their hometown and go to their favourite bar. They even arranged with the owner to reserve their favourite booth. And it's like they never lost touch. Over multiple pitchers of beer they tell all the old stories and share new laughs. Just having a great time of things. Over the course of the night, though, the first tomato see's this tasty piece of celery eyeing him from the bar. And she is just gorgeous, a real crisp hottie if you get my meaning. And even though he keeps finding her checking him out, he keeps puts her out of his mind as best he can. Tonight is just about best tomatoes forever.

​

As the night wears one, the second tomato gets up to let out some of the beer they've been drinking. And he's gone maybe 30 seconds when that celery shakes her stalk across the bar and slides into the empty seat to chat up the first tomato. The first tomato is so blinded with flirting with her that he doesn't see second tomato come back. And he is pissed. 'Dude, tonight was supposed to be about us', he says, 'And the second I'm gone you ditch me for a bar tramp?'

​

The first tomato tries explaining it isn't like that, that she's hitting on him. He tries begging the second tomato to understand, that he'd never have another shot in a million years with someone as hot as her on any other night. He tries suggesting he go home with and that they reschedule their tomatoes night out for another night. The second tomato doesn't like this. Furious, he says that if the one night they were going to celebrate all the years they were friends, the one night they were pledging to making an effort to staying as close as they've been, that he's going to ditch him for a girl he won't remember in a week ... then their friendship never really meant anything.

​

The first tomato lets the second go, figuring that they'll both cool down and talk tomorrow. He goes back to chatting up the celery up as the night starts to wind down. Meanwhile, the second tomato storms off to the other side of the bar and starts doing shots with group of rowdy beefsteak tomatoes, telling them about how his friend betrayed him over a girl. Well, you better believe they don't like hearing about their tomato brother getting stabbed in the back like that and decide to do something about it.

​

As the first tomato is waiting outside for the celery to finish powdering her leaves, the table of rowdy tomatoes jump him. They pull him down and lay into him, beating him up and down, screaming and berating him the entire time before leaving him in he gutter to die. It's about this time that the second tomato realizes almost everyone's left and decides to head out himself. When he gets outside, though, he sees his best friend laying beaten on the sidewalk, tomato juice running in the gutter. I mean, he's practically ketchup at this point. He hurriedly calls 911 before cradling his friend, crying and praying to god. He holds his friend the entire ambulance ride. At the hospital he spends three hours pacing back and fourth in the waiting room.

​

Finally, the doctor comes out. And for synchronicity's sake we'll say the doctor is a carrot. The carrot doctor comes up to the tomato and asks if he wants to hear the good news or the bad news.

​

The tomato gets really quite for a moment, before whispering through chapped lips that he needs to hear the good news. The doctor says 'Well, it was touch and go for a while, and he's not out of the garden yet, but I think he'll live.' The tomato cries out in relief, thanking the doctor profusely. All that matters is that his friend is gonna live, he can take the bad news so long as he'll live. 'What's the bad news, doc?'

​

The doctor says 'Well, the beating was quite severe. So, he'll live but he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life.'

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