Navy Jokes

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Funniest Navy Jokes

TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once Whoops, wrong sub

Funny Navy Jokes

TIL you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once Whoops wrong sub

Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on all of their ships? So when they come back to port, they can *scandanavian*

Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on the sides of their ships? So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.

Why does the Norwegian Navy put barcodes on the sides of their ships? So when the ships come back to port, they can Scandinavian.

TIL: The Norwegian Navy have started to put barcodes on their ships. So they can Scan da navy in

Effective immediately, the navy is only conscripting non-swimmers. They defend the ships much more eagerly.

Edit: an adverb.

The Norwegian navy has started putting barcodes on their ships… So they can scan da navy in…

When I was in the army, I lost my rifle and had to pay $865 for a new one Now I’m starting to understand why navy captains always go down with their ship

Why does the Norway navy have bar codes on the side of their ships? So when they come back to port they can Scandanavian.

Why does the north Korean navy have glass bottom boats? So they can see their air Force.

Why do all Swedish military ships have bar codes on them? So when the come to port, they can just Scan da navy in!

The Navy is beginning to recruit blind men. They are sending them out to sea.

So a navy man returns to his ship after a night in port. The next morning he's shocked to find everyone speaking Russian... Whoops, wrong sub.

Why do North Korean navy boats have glass bottoms So they can see their Air Force

I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss. I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

Why does the new French navy have glass bottom ships? So they can see the old French navy.

Why did the Norwegian Navy put bar-codes on all their ships? So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

What's a pirate's favorite school subject? Arrrrrrrrt.


What's a pirate's favorite body part?

The arrrrrm.



What's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?


No. The Navy you idiot.

Why does the new French navy have glass bottom boats? So they can see the old French navy.

I tried out for the Marines but fell just short of their requirements So they put me in the Navy since I was a sub-marine.

Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the side of all their ships? So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian

What's the first thing a Navy wife does when she wakes up in the morning? She puts her clothes back on and goes home.

Why does the U.S. Navy use powdered soap? It takes longer to pick up.

BREAKING - The Russian Navy has released a statement after accidentally sinking one of it's own submarines Oops, wrong sub.

Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on ships? So when they return to port they can Scandinavian.

Why do Navy SEALs fall backwards off of their boats? Because if they fell forwards they'd still be on the boat!

Army vs. Navy “When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.”

Why dose the navy use liquid soap? Because it takes longer to pick up.

It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan. Talk Abbottabad place to hide.

Why did the US Navy gift the British Navy glass-bottomed boats? So they could see the old British Navy!

Heard a vintage 2011 today. The Navy Seals just invented a new drink, the "bin Laden". Two shots to the face and a splash of water.

Edit: now i think of it, it wasnt funny back then either.

In the army if you lose your rifle, the government charges you $250 That’s why in the navy the captain always goes down with the ship

Why did the Italian Navy make their ships with glass bottoms? So they could see the old Italian Navy!

Why does the Italian Navy have glass bottom boats? To see the old Italian Navy

Why does rhe Norwegian navy have barcodes on their ships So they can scan-da-navy-in...

Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the side of their ships? So when they come back to port they can...
Scandinavian.

Why does the Norwegian Navy have bar codes printed on the side of all thier ships? So when they come back to port they can just Scandinavian.

Why does the Norway navy have bar codes on the side of the ships? So when they get back to port they can Scandinavian.

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New Navy Jokes

which animal had the biggest part in the war? The navy seals!

Why are German Navy soldiers not allowed to think? Because if zey sink in ze wota, zey will draun.

Army soldiers can't comprehend the 6-foot social distancing requirement. But everyone in the Navy can fathom it.

What do you call a navy pilot? A flying seaman.

I'm so sorry, randon thought and nowhere else to put it.

Why do Norwegian ships have barcodes? So they can scan the Navy in.

What happens when you eat too many Navy beans? You might end up with a dishonorable discharge.

Why does the Swedish navy have bar codes on the sides of their ships ? So that when they come back to port, they can scandinavian.

Why does the Norway navy got bar codes on the side of the ships ? So when they go home they can
Scandinavian.

Why does the Norwegian navy have bar codes on their ships? To Scandinavian

Why does the Norwegian navy have bar codes on the sides of their ships? So when they return from battle they can Scandinavian

Why does the Danish Navy have barcodes on them? So when they dock they can Scandinavi-an

Did you guys hear that Old Navy has been using fake wool? They can't pull the polyester over our eyes anymore!

Why did the New Polish Navy build boats with glass bottoms? To see the Old Polish Navy

What do the Chinese call their navy The censor ships

Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the sides of their ships? So when they come back, they can Scandinavian!

Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships? So when they come back to port, they can Scandinavian.

Why does norways navy have barcodes on their ships? So the can scan the navy in

Why does the Norwegian Navy put barcodes on there ships? So when the ships dock they can scan da navy in

My friend has an unhealthy obsession with Navy destroyers. He warships them.

Why can't the navy participate in the Space Force? Gamma radiation kills seamen.

Why does the new polish navy have glass bottomed boats? So they can see the old polish navy

Why does the Danish navy have barcodes on all their ships? So they can Scandinavian.

Why does the Swedish navy put barcodes on the side of their ships? So when they come back to port, they can Scandinavian!

How different military branches use stars The Army sleeps under the stars

The Navy navigates by the stars

And the Airforce choose hotels by the stars

Why does the Norwegian Navy have bar codes on their ships? That way when they return to port they can Scan da navy in

I’m joining the Navy purely out of spite... I'll be a petty officer!

It was really hard spending Christmas with my estranged family in Mexico. I don’t think anyone cared I was there. The whole time they kept looking for this lady, Phyllis, and her Navy Dad.

Why does the new Italian navy have glass bottom boats? So they can see the old Italian navy.

What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman? At least the otter knows he's not a seal.

What do you call a jacknife with all the tools removed? A Swiss Navy knife...

Why do the navy ships in Norway have bar codes on their sides? So when they return to port they can Scandinavian.

A Group Of Navy Men Hit The Town! A group of Navy men go to this nightclub to party but the bouncer doesn't allow them in, they question this and the bouncer replies "I'm sorry but out business has strict rules against clubbing seals"

What are the pros and cons of choosing a Malaysian airlines 777-200 as a stealth plane? Pros: It can't be detected on radar. Chinese navy couldn't find it, so it has a tactical advantage.

Cons: It has a propensity to be shot down by Russian AA missiles.

On a US Navy vessel is written: “USS.” What does that stand for? -United States Ship.

And on a British vessel it says: “HMS”?

-Her Majesty’s Ship

And on an Italian one it says: “AMB”?

-Aaatsah Meh Boat

I've never understood the Navy's colour being Navy blue. I though they were the aqua-marines.

another french joke Why does the new French navy have glass-bottomed boats?

​

So they can see the old French navy.

I've blown over 50 men in the Navy since I joined the military. What can I say, I love swallowing sea men.

Why do navy ships carries Marines? Because sheep would be to obvious.

I’m about to lose my job in the Navy unless I make some drastic changes. I have to take a course in anchor management.

Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on their ships? So they can Scandinavian.

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Long Navy Jokes

A new Navy recruit has his first day on a submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"

The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

Edit - RIP Inbox. I knew I would make it big someday! Thank you all for the votes and sorry for the repost but I simply couldn't resist. Happy New Year everyone!

"No Jews Allowed"

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please.'

Sending a written message, the captain replied:

'Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending three of my best and most prized officers.

One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.

The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern university in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.

Finally, the third officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .'

Upon receiving this letter, the mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by three handsome naval officers (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, three very handsome, smiling black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, 'There must be some mistake.'

'No, Madam,' said the first officer, 'Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.'

Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his countries militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy Submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can stay dived from the moment they leave the Port, to the day they enter it again 6 Months later. You haven't ever seen such great Submarines in your entire life, folks."

Putin, not looking really impressed, answerers:

"That's great, Donald. But my new Nuclear Submarines can stay submerged for almost an entire year. They are able to drive around the whole world without refueling, restocking, surfacing. What do you think of that?"

The two turn to Angela Merkel, and ask,
"How long can the German Submarines stay dived, Mrs Merkel?"

Before Mrs Merkel can answer, the water next to them starts bubbling, and a big grey hull emerges from the sea. As soon as it comes to rest, the hatch on the tower creeks open, and a man in black uniform steps out. He raises his hand, and shouts,
"Heil Hitler, we need more Diesel."

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman apply to join MI6

The Englishman comes in for his interview and it goes really well, he has a glowing record in the Army and is a perfect fit for the job.

At the end the interviewer asks him "Who do you love more, your country or your wife?"

The Englishman replies "My country of course!"

"OK" says the interviewer, "go through to the next room and shoot your wife" and he hands the Englishman a 9mm pistol.

The Englishman takes the pistol and walks through to the next room, lo and behold is wife is there sitting at a table.

He thinks back to all the years he has been married, how she has stuck with him through thick and thin throughout his military career. He goes back to the interviewer and hands over the gun, "I cannot do it, I love her too much".

The Scotsman comes in for his interview and it goes brilliantly, he has an amazing record in the Navy and is a perfect fit for the job.

At the end the interviewer asks him "Who do you love more, your country or your wife?"

The Scotsman replies "My country of course!"

"OK" says the interviewer, "go through to the next room and shoot your wife" and he hands the Scotsman a 9mm pistol.

The Scotsman takes the pistol and walks through to the next room, lo and behold is wife is there sitting at a table.

He thinks back to all the years she has stuck by him, on long deployments in the Navy, she has always been there for him when he returns. He goes back to the interviewer and hands over the gun, "I cannot do it, I love her too much".

The Englishman and the Scotsman are in the waiting room and they see the Irishman go in for his interview. After a while they suddenly hear loud noises:

BANG! BANG! BANG!

a pause and then:

THUD! THUD! THUD! ... THUD!

A few seconds later the Irishman staggers out of the interview room covered in blood.

The Englishman ans Scotsman shout at him "WHAT HAPPENED?!"

The Irishman replies "Some idiot put blanks in the gun, so I beat her to death with the chair."

A Navy recruit has his first day in the submarine.

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"

The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

Retirement bonus

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points of his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.


The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.


The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.
He walked out with $96,000.


The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to
go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.


The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.


"Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, ''Vietnam''.

Old Russian joke

A young guy is drafted into the army, he pleads to the Chief Enlistment Officer:

Conscript - I beg you, tell them I'm unfit for duty and I'l give you $1000!

Officer - You're not lying to me are you? Alright, meet me at the cemetery at 2AM with the money.

The conscript arrives the cemetery precisely at 2AM and sees the officer standing on one leg on top of a grave, the officer is naked, playing a guitar and singing songs. He sees the conscript, gets off the grave, takes his money and tells him: Tomorrow at 10 AM come to the draft committee and I will make sure you won't be drafted.

The following day the conscript stands in front the draft committee:

Officer - You're now enlisted in the navy for 2 years! The conscript almost has a heart attack.

Conscript - How could this be? Last night I met the chief enlistment officer and gave him $1000, you can't draft me!

Officer - This is slander! You didn't give me anything!

Conscript - I did! You were naked, standing on one leg on top of a grave in the cemetery, singing songs all night and playing the guitar!

Officer - Comrades and members of the committee, it's obvious this man is insane! We can't enlist him in the navy, he has to be forbidden to join the military!

A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California...

The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s."

The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter. When the captain was finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

Joke told by my NAVY instructor during class

A man takes the day off work and decides to go golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.He thinks nothing of it and is about to swing when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it right into the hole. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulettetable, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor,is how the girl ended up in my room."

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.

But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.

I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him.

"I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed.

No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time."

Said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained.

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

Too many officers~

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grisly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

Oh Man!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied... "Vietnam."

4 Mexicans In A Rowboat

A U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas.

The Captain gets on the megaphone and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "Gringo, we are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory
taken by the USA during the 1800's."

The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter. The Captain finally catches his breath, gets back on the megaphone and asks,
" Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No senor, we are the last four. The other 21 million are already there."

A cowboy from Texas

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere.

When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.

He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.

All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though...."

First day at Navy school.

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up after?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

A new recruit in the Navy was being put through the paces by an experienced captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the recruit replied.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up after?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

A woman was having an orgy with 3 army men, then she heard her husband coming in the house...

She frantically told the 3 guys to gather all their uniforms and hide in the balcony, and they did. The husband greeted her and didn't suspect a thing. She tried to distract him from going to the balcony but then he became adamant about grilling since it was so nice outside. He opened the balcony door and to his surprise he sees 3 nervous looking guys.

The husband looked very confused until one of the guys finally spoke. "Please help us!! Our plane crashed and we had to parachute to this balcony!!". The husband became very concerned for them and insisted that they stay for dinner before leaving. The 3 guys couldn't believe that the trick worked and they played along. The husband was very hospitable and generous and he made the guys feel pretty much at home. However, the guys felt very very bad about deceiving him and wanted to tell him the truth.

They asked him: "Don't you find it odd that 3 army men happened to land on your balcony?"

The husband said: "Not really, just last week 3 NAVY SEALs happened to find their way to my bathtub"

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

A new Navy recruit has his first day on a Submarine....

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

“Go stand at the periscope entry-way and make sure no unauthorised personnel touch the periscope.”

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

“Son I’m changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes.”

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He’s cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

“Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters.”

The recruit again follows orders and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

“Hey there,” says the recruit. “Is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven’t kept one position for more than 15 minutes!”

The crewman says “Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts.”

Joke that was totally told to me by a Navy SEAL and I am not lying or anything

After numerous rounds of, "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George W. Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message, 370HSSV-0773H. Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. Noone could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help. Within a few seconds the Marine Corps cabled back with this reply, "Tell Bush he's holding the message upside down."

Old farmer Joe is checking on his chickens

He notices that one of his chickens, Betty, is producing more eggs than any other chicken on the farm. What’s even more interesting is that they all look identical: same little freckle on the top, same patterns, even exactly the same colour! “This really is unusual,” he exclaims, and decides to investigate into this phenomenon further.

He decides to put the eggs through three tests to see if they remain similar all the time. For the first test, he takes twenty of the eggs and smashes them over a brick with his hands. Joe checks the interior of the shell, and each one is different in some way, in most occasions due to the thickness of the shell. He makes his observations: “sadly the shells on the brick were different.”

The second and third tests consist of cooking tests in different environments. For the second test, Joe hires out a private jet, takes twenty more eggs, then flies up above the clouds and sets about making scrambled eggs whilst the plane is on autopilot. He mashes the eggs up and makes a mean plate of scrambled eggs, but once more the eggs are all different. Feeling downbeat and hoping for maybe one positive result, he makes his observations: “the scrambled eggs on the plane were different.”

For the final test, Joe goes out of his way to prove his theory. This time he hires out an old navy submarine to do his experiment in, complete with a fully functioning team of crew. Impatient and desperate, he grabs twenty more eggs and hurried aboard.

As the crew get them deeper under the water and the light outside fades, Joe sets about frying his eggs. All of them are going smoothly except for one, which is rocking slightly. At first Joe thinks nothing of it, but as the vessel gets into deeper depths and the cooking continues, the egg rocks more and more violently until it bursts and yolk spurts everywhere! Joe watches in astonishment as it shrinks and bubbles on the stove... next to nineteen perfectly similar yellow mounds.

“It can’t be!” Joe shouts to himself as he studies the eggs in more detail. Every single one is the same in every aspect, albeit the bursting egg. In his frenzied excitement, he is able to make one final observation whilst clutching the egg that burst from within its mother: “all the yolks on this sub are the same, but this one is original!”

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