4th Of July Jokes

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Funniest 4th Of July Jokes

Funny 4th Of July Jokes

As a non-American, I love seeing Americans saying Happy 4th of July. It's the only time Americans pronounce dates correctly.

Every 4th of July, America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still... (•_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

In *da* pendent

I don’t see why Brits don’t celebrate the 4th of July. Surely 240 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

I don't see why we Brits don't celebrate 4th of July Surely 240 years of being officially seperate from America is something to be happy about

Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire. Fire-works on 4th of July.

What’s the best drink to have on the 4th of July? A White Russian. Nothing is more American then a Russian helping you to make poor choices.

I held a door open for an Asian guy and he said "sank you" so i punched him in the face. Serves him right for bringing up Pearl Harbor like that.
PS: Happy 4th of July

What is a pirate's favorite firework? M-80. Happy 4th of July!

Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th of July But not fire.

Fire works.

This 4th of July please remember it's not "firecracker" This Independence Day, please remember it's not "firecracker," that term is very offensive to some people. It's "fire-caucasian." Thank you.

Today in the UK we celebrate the 4th of July. The day the average IQ of the British Empire jumped 100 points with a single signature.

Brits have more reason than most to celebrate 4th of July Surely 241 years of officially being separated from America is something to be happy about

The 4th of July The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.

The 4th of July is an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.

Where did the fire go on 4th of july? Firework

Most people enjoy a day off on the 4th of July Except fire. Fire works on the 4th of July.

What do they do for the 4th of July in England? Sulk.

Last year I blew all my fingers off on the 4th of July And now my friends say they don't trust me. They say they can't count on me.

What does a parrot want on the 4th of July? A Fire Cracker.

Brits have more reason than most to celebrate 4th of July Surely 242 years of officially being separated from America is something to be happy about

If something goes wrong with the 4th of July celebration at Mt. Rushmore... It will be a monumental disaster.

I put a picture of the USA in a heart locket to celebrate the 4th of July... Now it is truly independent

Does England have a 4th of july? Yes they do, and a July 5th and a July 6th.

Man, my neighbors are really into lighting off loads of 4th of July fireworks... It sounds lile a school outside.

4th of july British people say that we as Americans go overboard with the 4th of July.

When really the only thing that went overboard was their tea

Her: "Honey, I want to be with you 24/7" Him: "Ok, see you on the 24th of July"

My dog hates the 4th of July Not because of the fireworks or anything, he's just going through a communist phase right now

4th July If the 4th of July is independence Day, why isn't 17th February Shawshank redemption day? It was a much better film.

Can confirm: England Does have a 4th of July And we even get it first!

Amidst all of the distractions on this 4th of July, let’s not forget what we’re celebrating That the British blew a 13 colony lead

On the 4th of July, almost everyone has a day off, except for fire. Fire works.

Why doesn’t the US knock? Because freedom rings.

Happy 4th of July!!

Do you know why prisoners love the 4th of July? All the fresh meat on the 5th of July. Drive safe and party smart folks!

Many veterans experience PTSD from the loud bangs of fireworks around holidays like 4th of July and New Years. My advice to them is to use noise-cancelling headphones, Netflix, and pharmaceutical-grade weed. Just like the children of Kabul.

What's the difference between the United States and a yogurt? That after 200 years, a yogurt can actually build a community.

Haha, happy late 4th of July.

It's 4th of July! Happy treason day America. Sincerely, England.

I'm going to give my neighbors calendars for Christmas. They obviously don't know when 4th of July is because I hear fireworks everywhere.

Why doesn’t America knock? Because freedom rings!



Happy 4th of July!

On the 4th of july firefighters fight fire with fire Because fireworks

New 4th Of July Jokes

Do they have 4th of July in England? 'Course they do. It's right after the 3rd.

Happy early 4th of July everyone And to those who've been a defendant a fourth time then happy 4th of jury

Irish swimming pools will re-open on the 4th of July. Due to social distancing, there will be no water in lanes one, three and five..

What do John Cena and 4th of July fireworks in Alaska have in common? Can't see 'em.

Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th of July, except for fire Fire works on the 4th of July

What do you call a nuke that was launched on the 4th of July? The wrong firework.

I like my women like I like my tea Cold and on the bottom of the harbor.

Have a great 4th of July!

Do they have the 4th of July in Great Britain? Yes, but they don't celebrate it.

​

^(courtesy of my neighbor who probably stole it from somewhere)

Happy 4th of July A celebration of America's independence from Britain's abolition movement.

Merry 4th of July! The difference between Uncle Sam and Santa Claus is... Santa Claus gives notes with his presents... Uncle Sam takes note of your presence.

Does Britain have the 4th of July? Or do the calendars just go July 3rd, July 5th, July 6th?

This 4th of July, remember: Alcohol and Fireworks do NOT mix Spilling even a little beer on a fuse can ruin fireworks.

What do FBI agents grill for the 4th of July? Hillary.

Respecting the American flag I was talking with an Iraqi student living with my family today about the 4th of July.

Me: Yeah, so you're supposed to burn the flag once it becomes too beat up.

Her: Really? They do that in Iraq all the time.

So I'm dating this European girl. I told her I wanna be with her 24/7. She said: "ok, see you the 24th of July"

He says to his wife: "Sleeping with you is like Christmas, Birthday and the 4th of July in a single moment." To which she replies: "Well, each of those dates is just once per year too."

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Long 4th Of July Jokes

Need help: looking for parade jokes. (I know, right?)

I was asked to announce the 4th of July parade in my small hometown. Was wondering if anyone here has been at a parade and heard something funny.

The only thing to work off of right now is that Josh Duhmel is announcing the 4th of July parade in a larger town about 20 minutes away.

Thanks

There was a church...

Sometime around the 1950’s, there was a small village in a remote region somewhere in the American South, and at the center of this village was a tall church.

As most churches of this period, this church had, as its crowning glory, a tall bell tower. The jewel of the crown was, naturally, a large brass bell.

An elderly woman from the church had been pulling the rope to ring the bell every Sunday since before anyone could remember. She had a special technique that made an exceptionally pleasant sound.

That is, until her untimely death at the age of 89. Thus began the process of finding a new employee to faithfully ring the church bell week after week.

An ad was placed in the regional newspaper by the church secretary, and, much to everyone’s surprise, many people applied.

After narrowing down the applicants to the top five, the secretary took each to try their hand at ringing the giant bell.

Each pulled the rope with gusto, and the bell chimed and rang like any bell would. Unfortunately, none of them could make it sound half as good as the elderly woman had.

Disappointed, the church secretary sent the applicants away. Just as she was ready to begin the whole process again, she heard a knock on the church office door.

In walked the ugliest, most mangled-faced man she had ever seen. Gasping at his pure hideousness, she caught her breath and asked, “May I help you?”

“I am here to apply for the job of ringing that bell, ma’am.”

“Well, OK. Let’s see what you can do.”

The two of them walked over to the bell rope, but the ugly man asked if they could climb up the tower, and ring it from inside the top of the tower!

The secretary obliged, and the two climbed the steep steeple stairway to the top.

The man examined the bell, took a few steps back, ran up and SMASHED HIS FACE straight into the bell...

...and it made the most beautiful sound that anyone in the village had ever heard.

Wiping away a small tear brought on by the sheer loveliness of the sound, the secretary told the man he had the job.

For the next few months, Sunday after Sunday, the mangled-faced man would take few steps back, run up, and smash his face into the bell. And every week, the sound was so wonderful that the village folk would stop whatever they were doing to listen.

Church attendance was growing larger than ever, and the secretary was more than pleased with the new employee.

Then, on Easter Sunday, the ugly man decided to make the sound extra special and louder than ever.

So he took a step back...

...and an extra step for more speed...

...and just one more tiny extra step back, and...

...

...

...he lost his footing, tumbling backwards out of the bell tower.

He landed with a thud on the sidewalk below. Dead as a door nail.

The townsfolk gathered around, distraught at their misfortune.

“What was his name?”
“Does anyone know his name?”
“Someone get the church secretary. She hired him. Surely she knows his name!”

So they bring the church secretary to identify the poor man.

She finally breaks through the crowd, takes a long sad look at him and says...

“Well, I don’t know his name...

...but his **face rings a bell**.”




———————————

If that wasn’t torture enough, there’s a Part II ;)

———————————



So, after the trauma of losing the most amazing musician anyone had ever heard, and the obligatory three week mourning period for bell-ringers, the church secretary decided its time to begin the search for a new employee.

The ad, once again, gets a fair amount of attention. Several candidates are brought in, but none can even hold a candle to the dead nameless ugly man.

The secretary is about to give up hope completely when, lo and behold, there’s a knock on the office door.

Like a blast from the past, in walks an even uglier, more mangled faced man.

“Hi ma’am, I’m here to apply for the job of bell ringer. I actually have a family history of unique church bell ringing.”

“Well, you do remind me of our last bell ringer...”

“Oh, he was my brother, George!”

“Well sir, let’s go see what you can do.”

The two, just like last time, climb the steep steeple stairs. The uglier man takes a few steps back, runs up, and SMASHES HIS FACE directly into the bell.

As unlikely and unbelievable as it may seem, the sound was even more wonderful and beautiful than his brother.

You know the story...

4th of July rolls around, the uglier man wanted to make a bigger and better ringing than anyone had ever heard.

So he took a step back...

...and an extra step for more speed...

...and just one more tiny extra step back, and...

...

...

...you guessed it. He lost his footing, tumbling backwards out of the bell tower.

He landed with a thud on the sidewalk below. Dead. Door Nail style.

Once again, the townsfolk gathered around, distraught at their continued misfortune.

“What was THIS guy’s name?”
“Does anyone know his name?”
“Someone get the church secretary. She hired him. Surely she got his name this time!”

So they bring the church secretary to identify yet another poor dead man.

She finally breaks through the crowd, takes one look at him and says...

“Well, I never asked his name,

But he’s a **dead ringer** for his brother George.”

4th of July Alcohol puns: American Heroes edition.

So this all started with Abraham Drinkin.

Help us come up with more. It has to be a character from American History to celebrate today as well as some sort of alcohol theme.

Here's what we have so far (some are better than others) :

Abraham Drinkin

John Wilkes Booze

Rosa Parched

Frederick Mugless

Harry S. Brew-man

Alexander HamilTurnt

Ciroc Obama

Slam-eul Adams

Druncle Sam

George Whiskington

George Sloshington

George W Busch Lite

Condoleeza Rice-Wine

Bud W. Eisenhower

Theodore Brewsanvelt

Buzz'd Aldrin

Malt Disney

Millard Fill-more in my cup

Davy Crunkett

Albert Winestein

Tequila Earhart

Martin Luther Gin Jr

Harriet Chugman

Pale Ale Earnhardt Jr

Malcolm Dos XX

Coaster Cleveland

William Cask

Al Patron

Richard Mixin'

Donald Rumsmell'd

Jesse Jameson

Donald Drunk

Jimi Hendrinks

Boozin B. Anthony

Waking up just in time for the election

William Holsfermeyer was frozen in 1990, waiting for a cure for his fatal condition. The doctors chose Independence Day to bring him back.

\-Mister Holfsermeyer, can you hear me?.

\-Mmmmfpppffff!.

\-Yes, yes!. That is good. Let me remove the tube from your mouth. Better now?.

\-(gasping) What is this?.

\-Mr Holsfermeyer, you were put in suspended animation thirty years ago. We have woken you up.

\-What? When?

\-This is Atlanta Medical Hospital, today is the 4th of July of 2020

\-2020? But I remember 1990. Was I really sleeping?.

\-Yes you were, but you have come back. Isn't it great? Just in time to vote on a Presidential election.

\-Ah, yes. Who is president?.

\-Trump.

\-Trump? Like that guy who bought casinos in Atlantic City and married some doll from Eastern Europe?.

\-That is the guy.

\-No way. Is he still married? Does he own casinos?.

\-The casinos went bankrupt. He is married to a doll from Eastern Europe, but she is the third wife.

\-Dang!. A New Yorker with bankrupcies and two divorces. The Democrats must be desperate.

\-Well, he run as a Republican.

\-Excuse me?.

\-Yes, he won the 2016 election as a Republican.

\-Unbelievable. There was nobody better than him?.

\-Hillary Clinton lost against him.

\-Clinton, Clinton. That rings a bell. There was a governor of some flyover state, but he was a man.

\-Her husband, Bill Clinton, was governor of Arkansas.

\-Of course. With that political background who is going to vote for her.

\-Actually, Bill was President for eight years.

\-No!

\-Yes.

\-And his wife lost against Trump?.

\-Yes.

\-Perhaps an incumbent Republican supported Trump then? The Republican party must have selected him for a reason.

\-Not really. The Republican establishment hated him but he won the primaries. The previous President was a Democrat, Obama.

\-Obama, what name is that? Is he a Muslim?.

\-No, he is a Christian, but his father came from Kenya.

\-Strange. Some white colonist fleeing the wars, I imagine.

\-I don't know if he fled the wars, but he was black.

\-What!. That Obama was black?.

\-Well, mixed race. But he looked definitively black.

\-Dang! I cannot believe it. What is going on in this country?. Listen, when will I recover? I would like to visit Europe.

\-Before you make plans, let me tell you about the coronavirus.

Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events.

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trumps's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.

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