Hilarious Nut Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Nut Jokes

When cops arrest a clinically insane person... ...are they busting a nut?

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What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut? I'm a cashew

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What do you call a one night stand with a robot? Nut and bolt

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What’s the engineering term for a one night stand? A nut and bolt.

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What time of the year do most squirrels die? No nut November

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What's worse than no nut November? No net December.
Defend net neutrality.

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I've just found out why they call it 'Almond Milk'. They tried to call it 'Nut Juice' but no one would buy it.

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Why do they call almond milk, almond milk? Because nut juice just wouldn't be appropriate.

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Did you hear about the testicular cancer survivor who won the lottery? ...when he found out, the guy went nut.

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What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? You can get one beer nut for $1.35, but two deer nuts are just under a buck

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A mental patient escapes from an asylum, goes into a laundrette and rapes a bunch of women. The police arrive and he escapes. Newspaper headline the next day reads.... .

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### NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS

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.

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I am really glad that No Nut November is over. A whole month without cashews was rough.

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Why is almond milk called almond milk? Because no one can say "nut juice" with a straight face

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Two nuts are sitting next to each other at the asylum. One turns to the other and says, "Why are we all here?" Other nut shrugs his shoulders and replies, "'Cuz we're not all there."

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What’s the most dangerous part of a car? The nut that holds the steering wheel.

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Did you hear the newspaper headline about the escaped lunatic who raped a woman and ran away? "Nut screws and bolts".

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What do you call it when a robot has a one night stand? Nut and bolt

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A guy escaped from the lunatic asylum. He broke into the local laundromat, banged the female assistant and ran off.

Headline in the local newspaper next day read,

"Nut Screws Washer and Bolts”.

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What did the nut say while chasing the other nut? Ima cashew

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Why are mechanics absent fathers? Because they nut and bolt

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First we had No Nut November.... Now we have No Net December.

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What was the news headline when a crazy man sexually assaulted two laundry women and ran away? NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS!

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What is Captain Kirk’s least favorite type of nut? Pe-KAAAAAHHHHHNNNNNN!!!!

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What did one nut say when it was chasing the other nut ? I'mma cashew

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What did the nut say to the nut it was chasing? I'm a cashew

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Did you hear about the guy who escaped from a lunatic asylum, raped a bunch of old women in a laundrette then ran away? The newspaper headlines the next day read:

#**NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS**#

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What does a sneezing nut sound like? *Ca-shew.*

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What's the difference between beer nut and deer nuts? Beer nuts will cost you about $1.25. Deer nuts are under a buck.

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I know why they call it Almond Milk Cause you can’t say Nut Juice with a straight face.

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I fed this kid peanut and he almost died. I guess some people take No Nut November way too seriously.

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How come when a video of a squirrel putting a nut in a dog gets 18k upvotes and is called "Cute" but when I do it it's a "heinous act" and my dog gets taken away?

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Little known fact, you can actually nut during No Nut November You just can't let anyone cashew

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What does a nut say when he sneezes? Ca-shew!

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Who will survive no nut november the longest? The people with a severe nut allergy

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If you want to lose weight, start the Lance Armstrong diet Just have one nut

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On my way home, an acorn fell on my car and cracked my windshield. It was the least satisfying nut busting I've ever experienced.

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Why is almond milk called almond milk? Because nobody would drink it if it was called nut juice.

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What do you call it when you get milk from an almond? Busting a nut.

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What do you call a mini-golf club made of wasp testicles that's covered in Reese's Pieces? A peanut butter bee-nut putter.

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New Nut Jokes

One song that sums up my time during No Nut November Still Beating by Mac DeMarco

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Failed 'No Nut November's already... No one told me the dessert had pecans in it!

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Due to pandemic, we need to cancel No Nut November. And go for No Nut Forever.

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I've being doing No Nut November my whole life I know why other people find it hard though, I'm allergic to all nuts anyway.

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I guess some people take No Nut November too seriously. I feed this kid peanuts and he almost died!

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For men, Halloween isn't the scary times. But No Nut November is.

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From time to time I think about getting a girlfriend Then I bust a nut and come to my senses

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Why is it called Almond Milk? Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.

(Hope this isn't a repost)

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What’s the difference between the White House and Walmart? There’s less nut cases in Walmart

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What did the nut say, while chasing the other nut? Imma cashew

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So a couple months back I had to watch a holocaust documentary for history class Guess how I failed no nut november

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A squirrel took the "you are what you eat" phrase too seriously. He was a nut.

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What is it called when you nut it in her mouth? A kids meal.

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Which nut do smart is nut mmmm academia

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I’m trying to participate in No Nut November but do almonds count? ‘Cause I came into a handful of almonds.

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I hate that it's already no nut November I'm going to have to jack it a whole lot to keep my mind off of cashews...

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Olive oil is made by grinding up olives and bottling the juices. Pine nut oil is made by grinding up pine nuts and bottling the juices... but... how is baby oil made?

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What does one nut say to the other? Why are we getting hung Peter did all the shootin

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A guy working on giving me urine and sperm samples tried to tell me how to do my job. I said hey, no comments from the pee/nut gallery.

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What do you call a nut that goes missing? AWOL-nut!
ba dum tisss

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My dog's name is Butter. one day, I went outside and accidentally stepped on his testicles. Anybody want some butter nut squash?

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What do you call a feminist assassin? A nut cracker.

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I whiped a peanut off one of the tables at my restaurant... ...And I thought to myself, "wow, I just bussed a nut."

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My friend died from a nut allergy He gave me this thing called an “epipen” in his last moments. It was really important to him that I had it.

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A peanut got arrested for robbery The police busted a nut.

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What nut is not gluten free? A doughnut

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What did the nut say when chasing the other nut? I'm a cashew.

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I found out why I can’t play well with my new golf clubs. They have a loose nut on the grip. 😜

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It's okay to act a little crazy sometimes At one point, everyone was a nut

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Which nut can you never escape? Cashew!

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How do you befriend a squirrel? Just act like a nut.

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What did the nut say when it sneezed? CASHEEEWWWW

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I think my mother might have robot hands. I was talking to my neighbour and he said, "Man, your mum's amazing. She can bust a nut with a flick of her wrist."

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"Dude, I was getting road head wrecked the car!" "What happened, you nut and lose control?"

"No, she was driving."

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What did the nut say when it sneezed? "Caaaaaashew caaashew!"

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What sound does a sneezing nut make? Cashew!

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I like showing women my big bag of almonds. It's nice when they compliment my nut sack.

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What do you call a nut that likes to look in the neighbor's windows? A pecan Tom.

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What did one nut say to the other? Imma cashew outside, how bout dat?

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How do you catch a squirrel? How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut.

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Trump calls Comey "a crazy, nut job" Reports Pot-Kettle magazine

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What did the Cheerios bees girlfriend say when he was taking too long during a handjob? Honey nut

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How is a man who has a one night stand with a woman the same as a member of the Sheikah clan? He busts a nut and vanishes.

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The movie character I identify with most is Scrat Cause all he wants is a good nut.

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How does a greedy nut sound when it sneezes? Cashew

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What is the British equivalent of wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am? "Honey!"
[Nut]
"Cheerio!"

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How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut.

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