Nut Jokes

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Funniest Nut Jokes

When cops arrest a clinically insane person... ...are they busting a nut?

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Funny Nut Jokes
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What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut? I'm a cashew

Score: 312

What do you call a one night stand with a robot? Nut and bolt

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What’s the engineering term for a one night stand? A nut and bolt.

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What time of the year do most squirrels die? No nut November

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What's worse than no nut November? No net December.
Defend net neutrality.

Score: 196

I've just found out why they call it 'Almond Milk'. They tried to call it 'Nut Juice' but no one would buy it.

Score: 177

Why do they call almond milk, almond milk? Because nut juice just wouldn't be appropriate.

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Did you hear about the testicular cancer survivor who won the lottery? ...when he found out, the guy went nut.

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What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? You can get one beer nut for $1.35, but two deer nuts are just under a buck

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A mental patient escapes from an asylum, goes into a laundrette and rapes a bunch of women. The police arrive and he escapes. Newspaper headline the next day reads.... .

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### NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS

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.

Score: 99

I am really glad that No Nut November is over. A whole month without cashews was rough.

Score: 99

Why is almond milk called almond milk? Because no one can say "nut juice" with a straight face

Score: 85

Two nuts are sitting next to each other at the asylum. One turns to the other and says, "Why are we all here?" Other nut shrugs his shoulders and replies, "'Cuz we're not all there."

Score: 79

What’s the most dangerous part of a car? The nut that holds the steering wheel.

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Did you hear the newspaper headline about the escaped lunatic who raped a woman and ran away? "Nut screws and bolts".

Score: 59

What do you call it when a robot has a one night stand? Nut and bolt

Score: 59

A guy escaped from the lunatic asylum. He broke into the local laundromat, banged the female assistant and ran off.

Headline in the local newspaper next day read,

"Nut Screws Washer and Bolts”.

Score: 54

What did the nut say while chasing the other nut? Ima cashew

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Why are mechanics absent fathers? Because they nut and bolt

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First we had No Nut November.... Now we have No Net December.

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What was the news headline when a crazy man sexually assaulted two laundry women and ran away? NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS!

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What is Captain Kirk’s least favorite type of nut? Pe-KAAAAAHHHHHNNNNNN!!!!

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What did one nut say when it was chasing the other nut ? I'mma cashew

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What did the nut say to the nut it was chasing? I'm a cashew

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Did you hear about the guy who escaped from a lunatic asylum, raped a bunch of old women in a laundrette then ran away? The newspaper headlines the next day read:

#**NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS**#

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What does a sneezing nut sound like? *Ca-shew.*

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What's the difference between beer nut and deer nuts? Beer nuts will cost you about $1.25. Deer nuts are under a buck.

Score: 28

I know why they call it Almond Milk Cause you can’t say Nut Juice with a straight face.

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What did one nut say when it was chasing another nut? I’m a cashew!

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Little known fact, you can actually nut during No Nut November You just can't let anyone cashew

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What did one nut say while chasing the other nut? I'ma cashew!

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What sound does a sneezing nut make? Cashew!

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What do you call a nut that goes missing? AWOL-nut!
ba dum tisss

Score: 4

Hey guys it’s no nut November... Which sucks cuz thanksgiving is the only time I see my cousins.

Score: 4

My dog's name is Butter. one day, I went outside and accidentally stepped on his testicles. Anybody want some butter nut squash?

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I always walk a lot slower during No Nut November... I guess I'm over enCUMbered

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What nut is not gluten free? A doughnut

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What do you call a feminist assassin? A nut cracker.

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New Nut Jokes

Failed 'No Nut November's already... No one told me the dessert had pecans in it!

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Due to pandemic, we need to cancel No Nut November. And go for No Nut Forever.

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I've being doing No Nut November my whole life I know why other people find it hard though, I'm allergic to all nuts anyway.

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No Nut November challenge is not gonna be a problem at all It’s not hard at my age

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I guess some people take No Nut November too seriously. I feed this kid peanuts and he almost died!

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For men, Halloween isn't the scary times. But No Nut November is.

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What’s the difference between the White House and Walmart? There’s less nut cases in Walmart

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What do you call a nut wrapped with a rope? A ronut

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So a couple months back I had to watch a holocaust documentary for history class Guess how I failed no nut november

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A squirrel took the "you are what you eat" phrase too seriously. He was a nut.

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What does a squirrel and a manwhore have in common? They're both after a quick nut.

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What is it called when you nut it in her mouth? A kids meal.

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Which nut do smart is nut mmmm academia

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Man was ‘popping off’ rounds to celebrate New Year’s Day when he fatally shot girlfriend, police say. Another new year nut busted for miss firing his load onto girlfriend.

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Olive oil is made by grinding up olives and bottling the juices. Pine nut oil is made by grinding up pine nuts and bottling the juices... but... how is baby oil made?

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What did they call the treenut professor in university? An Academia Nut

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What does one nut say to the other? Why are we getting hung Peter did all the shootin

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A guy working on giving me urine and sperm samples tried to tell me how to do my job. I said hey, no comments from the pee/nut gallery.

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What's the difference between a tree in Fiji and Chanel's lover? One made coconut

The other made Coco nut

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A peanut got arrested for robbery The police busted a nut.

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What's Trump's favorate kind of nut? Walnuts

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Have you tried the new breakfast cereal for impotent men? Nut'n'Raisin Honey

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My grandfather was puzzled when I told him that I was surprised that he could still crush a walnut with his bare hands. I was just impressed that despite his age, he had no problem busting a nut.

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