Hilarious Nut Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Nut Jokes

Score: 709

What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut? I'm a cashew

Score: 312

What do you call a one night stand with a robot? Nut and bolt

Score: 283

What’s the engineering term for a one night stand? A nut and bolt.

Score: 267

What time of the year do most squirrels die? No nut November

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What's worse than no nut November? No net December.
Defend net neutrality.

Score: 196

Why do they call almond milk, almond milk? Because nut juice just wouldn't be appropriate.

Score: 164

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? You can get one beer nut for $1.35, but two deer nuts are just under a buck

Score: 102

I am really glad that No Nut November is over. A whole month without cashews was rough.

Score: 99

A mental patient escapes from an asylum, goes into a laundrette and rapes a bunch of women. The police arrive and he escapes. Newspaper headline the next day reads.... .

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### NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS

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.

Score: 99

My left nut thinks it's better than my right nut. He can be egotesticle.

Score: 83

Two nuts are sitting next to each other at the asylum. One turns to the other and says, "Why are we all here?" Other nut shrugs his shoulders and replies, "'Cuz we're not all there."

Score: 79

What’s the most dangerous part of a car? The nut that holds the steering wheel.

Score: 74

What do you call it when a robot has a one night stand? Nut and bolt

Score: 59

An inmate from a mental asylum escaped and started raping people. The next day headlines read : Nut bolts and screws.

Score: 54

What did the nut say while chasing the other nut? Ima cashew

Score: 51

Why are mechanics absent fathers? Because they nut and bolt

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What was the news headline when a crazy man sexually assaulted two laundry women and ran away? NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS!

Score: 42

First we had No Nut November.... Now we have No Net December.

Score: 42

What did one nut say when it was chasing the other nut ? I'mma cashew

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What did the nut say to the nut it was chasing? I'm a cashew

Score: 39

What does a sneezing nut sound like? *Ca-shew.*

Score: 33

I know why they call it Almond Milk Cause you can’t say Nut Juice with a straight face.

Score: 28

If you nut on a dead person Are you ghost busting?

Score: 28

What's the difference between beer nut and deer nuts? Beer nuts will cost you about $1.25. Deer nuts are under a buck.

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How does a nut say good bye to another nut? I'll Cashew later bro.

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What happens when you fail at No Nut November? Nuttin'.

Score: 24

I fed this kid peanut and he almost died. I guess some people take No Nut November way too seriously.

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What sound does a nut make when it sneezes? Cashew!

Score: 22

Mr. Peanut was arrested for drunk and disorderly at a local Strip Club The arresting officer said it wasn't the first time he'd busted a nut in front of a stripper and it wouldn't be the last.

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I bet it's called almond milk because no one can say nut juice with a straight face. "Daddy can I have some nut juice with my cereal?"

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How come when a video of a squirrel putting a nut in a dog gets 18k upvotes and is called "Cute" but when I do it it's a "heinous act" and my dog gets taken away?

Score: 18

Why is almond milk called almond milk? Because no one can keep a straight face calling it nut juice

Score: 18

What did one nut say when it was chasing another nut? I’m a cashew!

Score: 17

What's the best trade a palindrome has ever made? A nut for a jar of tuna.

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What does a nut say when he sneezes? Ca-shew!

Score: 16

Little known fact, you can actually nut during No Nut November You just can't let anyone cashew

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What did the one nut say while chasing the other nut? I'm a cashew.

Score: 14

All the sexbots I've seen hate cuddling. They just nut and bolt.

Score: 14

On my way home, an acorn fell on my car and cracked my windshield. It was the least satisfying nut busting I've ever experienced.

Score: 13

If you want to lose weight, start the Lance Armstrong diet Just have one nut

Score: 13

New Nut Jokes

Who called it Post nut clarity Who called it Post nut clarity and not Cumming to your senses

Score: 7

Police called an 11-year old ‘brave’ after he reporter his dad for allegedly selling drugs. Imagine busting a nut just to have that nut bust you one day.

Score: 5

What do you call a one night stand with a construction worker? Nut and bolt.

Score: 12

Trees are kinda weird They just nut on the ground and sometime later their child pops up

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I used to be a French cheese nut But now I camembert it any longer

Score: 5

What do you call it when you nut on a wall? A walnut.

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What do you get when you cross a rodent, some money and a nut A cashrew

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I tried to help an old lady open a packet of peanuts. It was a tough nut to crack

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What do you call a nut wrapped with a rope? A ronut

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What do you call a child, made from three different men’s sperm? A nut mix.

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So a couple months back I had to watch a holocaust documentary for history class Guess how I failed no nut november

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How did the nut sneeze? Cashew

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What do you call a really scholarly kernel? An acadamian nut

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What do you call a nut that gets good grades? An academia nut..

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What's the weakest part of a car? The nut holding the steering wheel.

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Which nut is most expensive? The cashew!

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What is it called when you nut it in her mouth? A kids meal.

Score: 10

What does a woman get for letting an Italian man nut inside her? Prego

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I was pretty sure i had nut allergy when i was kid But my parents thought i was making it up to avoid church

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What is the difference between a beer nut and a deer nut? One is a dollar, but the other is under a buck.

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Why is almond milk the gayest drink? Because its a busted nut

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Some lady called the cops on me because I was giving a squirrel a nut in the park. Good thing I got my pants back on before they arrived

Score: 11

What the black robot do to his wife? Nut and Bolt

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What is the weakest part of a car? The nut holding the steering wheel.

Score: 5

Which nut do smart is nut mmmm academia

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Man was ‘popping off’ rounds to celebrate New Year’s Day when he fatally shot girlfriend, police say. Another new year nut busted for firing load into girlfriend.

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Nut screws and bolts Newspaper headline: mental patient escapes after committing rape!

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I always walk a lot slower during No Nut November... I guess I'm over enCUMbered

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Why did the squirrel cross the border? It’s no nut November in the US

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Hey guys it’s no nut November... Which sucks cuz thanksgiving is the only time I see my cousins.

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Day 26 of no nut November I've already mastered time travel.

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What comes after “No Nut November”? “Deflated Dicks December”

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I’m trying to participate in No Nut November but do almonds count? ‘Cause I came into a handful of almonds.

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Why is it difficult to follow no nut November ? Well, it gets increasingly 'hard' as the days pass by.

Score: 8

Why did the squirrel fall dead from the tree? Because it's No Nut November.

Score: 5

Yesterday I failed No Nut November I guess I should have seen it cumming.

Score: 4

Who will survive no nut november the longest? The people with a severe nut allergy

Score: 13

I hate that it's already no nut November I'm going to have to jack it a whole lot to keep my mind off of cashews...

Score: 6

Those of you who aint doing the No Nut November Challenge this year, you lack self control and discipline You are nuttin

Score: 3

Olive oil is made by grinding up olives and bottling the juices. Pine nut oil is made by grinding up pine nuts and bottling the juices... but... how is baby oil made?

Score: 1

What did they call the treenut professor in university? An Academia Nut

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You may have heard of No Nut November But after I came twice in April what I’m really hoping for is a No Fetus February

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When do squirrels start hibernating? No Nut November

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What’s the difference between an islamic hide out and an Afghan pine nut farm? I don’t know, I just fly the drones.

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What does one nut say to the other? Why are we getting hung Peter did all the shootin

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There’s a nut in the cashew family that makes you sneeze... They call it a blessew.

Score: 7

What's the difference between a tree in Fiji and Chanel's lover? One made coconut

The other made Coco nut

Score: 1

Some kind of animal busted a nut in my backyard... Must've been a squirrel.

Score: 3

TIL most females have a nut allergy. You nut in them and they could swell for 9 months.

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What did one nut say to the other nut? Why are we doing the hanging? The guy between us did the shooting!

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What did one nut say as he was chasing another nut? "I'm a cashew!"

Score: 8

a car's weakest part the nut holding the steering wheel

Score: 6

What did one nut say while chasing the other nut? I'ma cashew!

Score: 7

What's the difference between a nut and bolt and a pregnant woman? You can unscrew a nut and bolt.

Above is the classic punchline, but it occurs to me there is another:

...but you can't unscrew a pregnant woman, you can only nut and bolt.

Score: 11

What's the feeling you get after polishing a peanut? Post nut clarity.

Score: 8

I've heard Dunkin Donuts is going to be the official sponsor of no nut November. Their name will be Dunkin Nonuts for a month.

Score: 4

How do you stop a nut from escaping the asylum? You loctite the nut.

Score: 2

What's the sound a nut makes when it sneezes? Cashew!!

Score: 2

Why do all professional sperm donors go crazy? Cause it’s a nut job

Score: 3

What do you call a nut that goes missing? AWOL-nut!
ba dum tisss

Score: 4