Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"No, just here for a few days."
Hollywood is remaking Brokeback Mountain with Margot Robbie and Emma Watson On the one hand, I hate that they have to remake all the classic movies with female leads as if that somehow makes them better. On the other hand, lotion.
The other day I saw Denzel Washington walking down the street.
I shouted to him ,"Hey Denzel!" He responded, "Does every black man look like Denzel Washington to you?"
Classic dad joke, but in bad taste
So we were having a family dinner for the first time in a while.
My mum was saying how terrible the situation in Nepal is, when my Dad says "it's nepalling isn't it?"
I had a good laugh, feeling guilty after :(
What classic game do Hawaiian kids love the most? The floor is lava.
Why did Batman rush to the Bat Cave?
He had to go to the Bat Room.
[an old classic]
Captain Hook is claiming that he was sexually assaulted by his first mate some years ago. It's a classic case of he said, Smee said.
Why did Mr Ohm marry Mrs Ohm?
Because he couldn't resistor...
Old but classic!
Batman told me he was skipping church this week. Classic Christian Bale
Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Big hands.
A classic from my grandfather.
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way. Unique up on it.
A twist on a Thanksgiving classic . . .
Written by my twelve-year-old brother:
Q: April showers bring May flowers. What do May flowers bring?
A: Separatists and small pox.
Timeless Classic: What do you call a cow with two legs? Yo momma
When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally. Classic rook-y mistake.
Repost Joke #781 Hahaha that one’s a classic.
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
I got kicked out of a bar last night...
It was a goofy place, they had a “classic music” dance contest. I was the clear winner. They played “The Hustle” so I did The Hustle. They played “The Twist” so I did the twist.
But then they played “Come On Eileen”
Why'd the mushroom go to the party?
Cause he's a fungi!
Why'd the fungi leave the party?
Cause there wasn't mushroom!
Just witnessed this classic on the bus
Passenger: Which bus are you?
Driver: I'm not a bus, I'm the driver.
I asked a German the other day if he wanted to hear a joke...
I had the classic "How many ____ does it take to change a lightbulb" joke in mind.... But before I got to tell it,
He responded, "Nine"... How did he know?!?!
Another classic Dutch Bakerjoke
* A dog walks into a bakery
* Baker: How can I help you?
* Dog: Woof!
* Baker: Anything else?
* Dog: Bark!
* Baker: That'll be 12 Euro's. Do you want a receipt?
* Dog: No.
Who decided to call it "Dwayne Johnson's Wrestling Career" instead of... Classic Rock?
why was the computer late to work? because it had a hard drive! (stole it from ellen, from her classic joke tuesday)
I use to know a classic rim shot joke, but...umm tiss
Warning: Dad Joke
But it's a classic.
Grasshopper walks into a bar and sits. Bartender says, "Hey, we got a drink named after you.". Grasshopper says, "Wow. You got a drink named Kevin?".
Classic. I’d be surprised if this was not posted already. One afternoon the teacher asked the Johnny “Can you explain what oxidation is?” He replied “No my science is a little rusty.”
(Classic) There are only 10 types of people in this world Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
What's the difference between a nut and bolt and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a nut and bolt.
Above is the classic punchline, but it occurs to me there is another:
...but you can't unscrew a pregnant woman, you can only nut and bolt.
Have you seen that old movie about the KKK? I hear it's a real cult classic.
Why did the mattress go to the therapist?
Because it was depressed
(Did I tell this before I mean it’s my classic joke)
What do you get when you cross hard alcohol with a classic American novel?
Edit: I've been told this is apparently a real drink... whatever, classic comedy
In the classic story of the tortoise and the hare, what was the tortoise's name? Winslow.
If you've heard of Post Malone maybe you've heard of Ho Malone It's this classic movie about a young boy who gets left behind by his family at Christmas and has to defend his house from burglars.
Why is shrek a classic meme Cause that’s what ALL STARted it
Did you hear about that Reese lady?
Guy 1: Hey, did you here about that celebrity that stabbed some poor guy to death? What was her name, Reese... Reese Wither... Wither...
Guy 2: Witherspoon?
Guy 1: No, with her knife.
Classic that I haven't seen for awhile
Groundhog Day is a classic. It sure has great replay value.
My favorite classic joke: What did the blind man say when walking past the fish store? Good day ladies. Sorry, I'll see myself out. This won't happen again.
I've recently written a romantic comedy
It's about a guy and a girl - *classic.*
Initially, they hate each other - *classic.*
But they end up in bed together - *classic!*
It's called: "The Rapist"
A classic nuts joke, with a twist.
What do you get when you put nuts on a wall?
What do you get when you put nuts on your chest?
What do you get when you smoke a crack rock, and put nuts on somebodys window?
Andrew Luck just retired spontaneously from the NFL. What World of Warcraft classic server do you think he's playing on?
A classic one told by my philosophy teacher today...
A man dies. He goes into heaven. Later, he sees his wife. He can't believe it and when she comes to greet him, he backs off, and explains:
"I promised we'd be together until death do us part".
Did you hear the Song about a clock? Its a timeless classic
BREAKING: Jack Black and Lewis Black arrested after fight outside NYC comedy club. A classic case of Black on Black crime
Have you heard the latest news about the remake of Arnie's classic film Commando? The lead role has been given to Knickerless Cage.
Let's start using better, more friendly terms for 'Crackhead', 'Methhead', or the classic: "Wow that guy has done way too many drugs." I prefer 'Pharmaceutically Gifted'
Pop music is like a party hat Classic and fun, but you look like a douche if you put it on in the car.