Classic Jokes


Funniest Classic Jokes

Funny Classic Jokes

classic germans Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.


"No, just here for a few days."

Hollywood is remaking Brokeback Mountain with Margot Robbie and Emma Watson On the one hand, I hate that they have to remake all the classic movies with female leads as if that somehow makes them better. On the other hand, lotion.

Classic dad joke, but in bad taste So we were having a family dinner for the first time in a while.
My mum was saying how terrible the situation in Nepal is, when my Dad says "it's nepalling isn't it?"
I had a good laugh, feeling guilty after :(

What classic game do Hawaiian kids love the most? The floor is lava.

Captain Hook is claiming that he was sexually assaulted by his first mate some years ago. It's a classic case of he said, Smee said.

Batman told me he was skipping church this week. Classic Christian Bale

A classic from my grandfather. How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way. Unique up on it.

A twist on a Thanksgiving classic . . . Written by my twelve-year-old brother:

Q: April showers bring May flowers. What do May flowers bring?
A: Separatists and small pox.

When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally. Classic rook-y mistake.

Just witnessed this classic on the bus Passenger: Which bus are you?
Driver: I'm not a bus, I'm the driver.

I asked a German the other day if he wanted to hear a joke... I had the classic "How many ____ does it take to change a lightbulb" joke in mind.... But before I got to tell it,

He responded, "Nine"... How did he know?!?!

A classic riddle An explorer is on an adventure, and gets to two doors. Each door is blocked by a guard. The guard in the right says “One of us is honest, and the other one is a *liar.*” The guard on the left says “Goddamnit Greg I said I was sorry.”

Another classic Dutch Bakerjoke * A dog walks into a bakery
* Baker: How can I help you?
* Dog: Woof!
* Baker: Anything else?
* Dog: Bark!
* Baker: That'll be 12 Euro's. Do you want a receipt?
* Dog: No.

Who decided to call it "Dwayne Johnson's Wrestling Career" instead of... Classic Rock?

I use to know a classic rim shot joke, but...umm tiss

why was the computer late to work? because it had a hard drive! (stole it from ellen, from her classic joke tuesday)

Have you read the book about the guy who can only ejaculate a virus? It's a classic coming-a-phage story.

What's the difference between a nut and bolt and a pregnant woman? You can unscrew a nut and bolt.

Above is the classic punchline, but it occurs to me there is another:

...but you can't unscrew a pregnant woman, you can only nut and bolt.

Did you hear about the homeless artist who got turned down in his submission for a classic string toy rebranding? It was a no-go hobo yo-yo logo.

What do rap fans and classic rock fans have in common? They both have to worry about their favorite artist dying before the concert

Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.

Original & Classic Winston Churchill (not my retort) Lady Astor said to Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea," to which he responded, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!"

I noticed that people under the age of 20 are strongly gravitating towards 60s classic rock by well-known bands, such as The Who. I'm not trying to cause a big sensation, I'm just talking 'bout my generation.

Why did the mattress go to the therapist? Because it was depressed

(Did I tell this before I mean it’s my classic joke)

A classic Tommy Cooper gag * I said to the gym teacher: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?'
* He said: 'How flexible are you?'
* I said: 'I can't make Tuesdays.'"

In the classic story of the tortoise and the hare, what was the tortoise's name? Winslow.

What do you get when you cross hard alcohol with a classic American novel? Tequil-a Mockinbird

Edit: I've been told this is apparently a real drink... whatever, classic comedy

If you've heard of Post Malone maybe you've heard of Ho Malone It's this classic movie about a young boy who gets left behind by his family at Christmas and has to defend his house from burglars.

In the interest of of trying to make the classic doll more realistic, and easier for children to identify with, a new version is about to be released called "Divorced Barbie" She comes with all of Ken's stuff too.

What's the difference between a peeping Tom and a pickpocket? A pickpocket snatches watches.

Source: Classic old school Redd Foxx.

This one’s a classic from my dad: Did you know beer makes you smarter? It made Budweiser.

Why is shrek a classic meme Cause that’s what ALL STARted it

Classic one How do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her.

I have three knees, my left Knee, my right knee... And my WEE-KNEE!!!!! Classic

Since its may the 4th, I decided to watch the classic Star Wars trilogy with my girlfriend. First time she ever saw Chewbacca, and she thought he was an Ewok... ... ...

Classic wookie mistake.

(Oldie, but never gets olde)

I just got scammed by an Irish cat, but I should have known.. It was your classic Leopard con

Getting older My Dad's classic line to kids was to ask how old they were then tell them when he was their age, he was a year older. It would blow their minds!

Dad: "How old are you?"
Kid: "6!"
Dad: "Oh, when I was your age I was 7."
Kid: (Confused)

Johnny Carson Classic The air quality in Los Angeles is so bad...
“How bad is it?”
When locals want to breathe fresh air, they suck the air out of tires from cars with out-of-state license plates.

What's a classic Russian sci-fi film? Czar Wars

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New Classic Jokes

Thomas Edison stole the design for a film-playing box from Tesla. Tesla confronted Edison about it, but instead of apologizing he accused Tesla of trying to steal his idea. Classic case of projection

A man went fishin and tied a nintendo console to his line classic bait'n Switch

Whoever named it classic rock had great taste in music. All these years later it really is classic rock.

A contemporary take on this classic Pete and Repeat are in quarantine. Pete dies, who’s left to take on life’s responsibilities?

A chickens 3 favorite classic composers Bach, Bach, Bach

Have you guys heard Charles Mansons music? Its criminally underrated, I watched him live and he absolutely killed it, "game girl" is a cult classic

Did you know Lynyrd Skynyrd owns a movie theater that plays a different classic film every day? Tuesday’s Gone with the Wind

I’m not surprised that Jeff Bezos started seeing a woman who was close to his wife. Classic Amazon: “if you like this, here is something similar that you might like”

Classic Joke with a twist On dec 31 I am going to say “People ask me what I am going to do in one minute but I don’t have 2020 vision” then on Jan 1 I am going to say “hindsight 2020 that joke was garbage “

Need new material for 2020 My fav for 2019 was the classic "I don't care what Joe says about you Megan you're alright".

I need something to top this for 2020. Help!!!

Willy Wonka Wrapper Classic Two peanuts were walking down the street and one was a salted.

Andrew Luck just retired spontaneously from the NFL. What World of Warcraft classic server do you think he's playing on?

What Do You Call A Murderer Who Likes Classic Rock? Killer Queen

What is Mega Man's favorite classic rock band? Rush

I went to a record shop to buy my dad a new vinyl, I said “what’ve you got by the doors?” He said “a bucket of sand and a fire extinguisher”

This isn’t mine, just a classic from Tim Vine

SPOILER - Just finished reading the supposed classic The Very Hungry Caterpillar Plot line is utterly full of holes.. I’m furious.

Classic day at the stool sample photo lab. crapshoot.

Are you one of the classic blunders? Cause I've fallen for you

What do you call getting hot boxed in a classic Mustang? A high standard

Shopping with dad... At the supermarket buying milk.
Cashier: "Would you like the milk in a bag?"
Old man: "Nah mate, just leave it in the carton"

Haha, classic dad joke!

A genie magically appered in front of me. He said he could grant me 3 wishes, except for the classic 'wishing for more wishes' Joke's on him. I wished for more genies.

A classic nuts joke, with a twist. What do you get when you put nuts on a wall?


What do you get when you put nuts on your chest?


What do you get when you smoke a crack rock, and put nuts on somebodys window?

An errection.

And now... Time for a classic Finnish joke Do you want to hear a joke?
A king ate a chip.

I've finally come up with a name for my classic rock-themed jogging club. Runs 'n Goeses.

Classic Dad Knock Knock Joke Knock Knock

"Who's there"


"Dad Who"

"Just kidding, I'm not here. We all know I left your mom"

Kevin Spacey has now announced a new partnership with Atari, rebooting an old classic They're calling it "Spacey Invaders".

A classic one told by my philosophy teacher today... A man dies. He goes into heaven. Later, he sees his wife. He can't believe it and when she comes to greet him, he backs off, and explains:

"I promised we'd be together until death do us part".

What are the vowels of classic rock? C, S, N, (and sometimes Y)

I came up with this today, but it's too obvious in hindsight not to be an accidental repost.

Did you hear the Song about a clock? Its a timeless classic

BREAKING: Jack Black and Lewis Black arrested after fight outside NYC comedy club. A classic case of Black on Black crime

My favorite classic joke: What did the blind man say when walking past the fish store? Good day ladies. Sorry, I'll see myself out. This won't happen again.

Have you heard the latest news about the remake of Arnie's classic film Commando? The lead role has been given to Knickerless Cage.

Pop music is like a party hat Classic and fun, but you look like a douche if you put it on in the car.

Tommy Cooper gag A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.

Two cannibals are eating a clown One turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?"

I decided to post this classic especially with the clown epidemic going on

39485 Sorry for the repost, but this is a classic that never fails to make me laugh!

When my kid wasn't able to tell his teacher what 12 x 12 was... CPS came and took him away. A classic case; I should have known.
Gross negligence.

A guy walks into a building with his boss. Ouch. You'd think that at least one of them should have seen it.

EDIT: A twist on the classic "a guy walks into a bar" joke.

I just read a letter from my future self detailing what cheeses I'm going to eat over the next thirty years and whether I'll like them. But what if I only like them because the letter says I should? It's your classic Brie Determination Paradox.

Why did all the residents of Flint, MI switch from the hip hop station to the classic rock radio station? They wanted to get the lead out.

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Long Classic Jokes

Classic Joke for your taste

The first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, but a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong."

Classic joke for our Muslim friends today

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were.

John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'.

The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink.

Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadan)

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and he is completely parched. He sits at the bar, pats his pockets and realises he's left his wallet at home. He calls to the bartender,

"Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer in return?"

The bartender is a worldly individual. "Listen mate, look around at the stuff on the walls, I've seen all kinds of things, been all kinds of places. I mean, you can give it a shot but I honestly doubt you can show me something that impressive."

So the man reaches into his left jacket pocket and pulls out a small hamster. He places the hamster on the bar and the bartender looks bemused. The man reaches into his other jacket pocket and pulls out a tiny piano, followed by a tiny stool, just the right size for the hamster, who sits down, cracks his knuckles and starts playing a famous piece of music by Rachmaninoff.

The bartender is speechless.

"Tell you what mate... I've seen some things in my time but that is absolutely incredible! Here's your free beer."

The visitor gulps down his drink until the last drop is gone. But he can't help but feel another drink would really hit the spot. He motions to the bartender again.

"Look, I could really use another drink - how about I show you something even more incredible?"

The bartender stares in disbelief. "After that performance, I think you'll struggle to beat it! But go on, try your luck then."

The man reaches into his left jacket pocket again and retrieves a small frog, who is wearing a waist coat. He places the frog on the stool beside the hamster. The hamster counts to four, the frog clears his throat, and over the piano the frog sings a classic opera, bringing several people in the bar to tears.

"Oh my word," says the bartender. "That is absolutely unbelievable. Here's your pint, mate. You've earned it."

In the corner of the room, a shady looking individual has been watching with keen interest from behind his dark sunglasses. He approaches the owner of the performing animals and gets straight to business.

"I'll give you £50,000 right now, in cash, if you'll let me take that frog off your hands this instant."

"Well, sure, why not?" says the man, as he duly hands the frog over to the shady character, who promptly slides back a silver briefcase filled with bank notes before making his exit with the frog.

"Are you MAD!?" the bartender says to the man. "You could have made millions with that frog!"

"Nah," says the man.

"The hamster's a ventriloquist."

Just another classic irish joke!

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said ‘Hang on, I have an idea.’

He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said ‘Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money left at all!’

Murphy replied, ‘Don’t worry – just follow me.’

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said ‘Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!!’

Murphy replied, with a smile. ‘Don’t ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!’

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, ‘OK, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.’

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said ‘Murphy – I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killin’ me!’

Murphy said, ‘How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub

John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts..

A classic in honor of my cake day!

John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so".

"Fine", the wife sighs, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right".

To which John replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Kenmore written on my forehead? I don"t think so".

"Fine", she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break"

"I'm not a carpenter and i don"t want to fix steps" he says, "does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so, I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So John goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey", he asks, "How did all this get fixed?"

John's wife replied, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake".

John asked, "So what kind of cake did you bake?"

She replied, "hellooooo.. Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

Classic NZ joke.

An Australian gets off the plane after touching down in New Zealand, first thing he sees is a Kiwi absolutely ramming a sheep up the arse.

Disgusted, the Australian tries to offer some advice, "Mate, where I'm from, we shear our sheep."

The kiwi bleats back, "Shear my sheep?! I ain't shearin' my sheep wuth innyone!"

A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he hears a woman screaming and detects a faint smell of burning in the air.

He runs down the street and around a corner and sees a huge group of people standing watching a blazing building.
On the tenth floor of the building a woman, clutching a bundle to her chest, is leaning out of a window screaming for someone to save her baby.
The man steps forward and calls up to the woman, "Throw down your baby and I'll catch it".

"No! No!" the woman shouts back. "You might miss or drop my baby and she'll be killed!

"No I won't!" shouts the man. "I am Alec Maguire. I'm the goalkeeper for Dublin's gaelic football team. I've never missed a match in ten years and in all that time I have never let the ball into my net".

"What? Not once?" calls the woman.

"No!" shouts back the man. "Not once. Every football player agrees that I am the best goalkeeper there has ever been."

And with that he adopts the classic goalkeepers stance - legs apart and slightly bent at the knees, body slightly bent forward at the waist and with his arms stretched downwards at a slight angle away from his body, with palms facing forward.

"OK!" screams the woman. "I'll trust you. I've no choice! Here she comes"

So, with the flames roaring all around her, the woman throws the baby from the window.
However, the edge of the baby's shawl catches on the woman’s watch with the result that the child goes spinning off to one side, tumbling head over heels and with her little arms and legs flailing.
The woman screams and the crowd gasps, all sure that the baby will perish because she will fall out of reach of the man.
The man remains motionless as the child descends spinning and tumbling further and further away from him as she comes. Then when the baby is only feet from hitting the ground the man dives a full 30 feet across the pavement, catches the baby in his outstretched right hand, pulls her in towards his chest and shields her body with his left hand and arm. He hits the ground heavily on his right side and lies motionless on the pavement for a few seconds.
Then, slowly, he raises himself to his feet and turns to face the crowd and everyone sees that the child is alive.
The crowd is awe-struck. Then the crowd erupts with cheers and the woman, still in danger herself, nearly faints with relief. The man, still clutching the child to his chest in his right arm, waves to the crowd of onlookers to acknowledge their appreciation. Then, slowly and gracefully, he turns away from them, bounces the baby twice on the ground, and kicks her 60 yards down the road.

A female student was walking towards her locker when she noticed a post-it-note on the locker door.

She looked at it and it was the classic “why did the chicken cross the road?” joke. She didn’t really laugh as she heard it a million times, so she crumpled it up and threw it in the back of her locker.

The next day, another note was posted onto her locker and it read the *same* joke! She was slightly annoyed, but it didn’t really matter at this point. She crumpled it up and went about her day.

The third day, yet another note was posted onto her locker door and as expected, it had the same old joke on it. She was growing irritated and ripped it up before throwing it in the trash.

Later that day, she has talking to one of her Senior friends are lunch, and she mentions these notes she has gotten for 3 days now. Her friends laughs and says “Oh, you’re getting them now?”

She was very confused now, and asked her friend “What do you mean? Do other people get these notes?”

Her friend explained the whole thing. “You see, there is this weird kid that puts the same joke on different lockers using a post-it, and watches them find it. If they read it, he puts the same note up the next day. If they don’t read it, he gives up and goes onto the next person.”

At this point, the girl starts to laugh and says “Are you serious? This can’t be real!”

Her friend laughs and says, “Once you have Read It, it’s just re-post after re-post”.

USSR jokes about America

My dad told me this one was a classic when he lived in the former Soviet Union:

So as you know, Russia and America would send spies against each other frequently. All American spies were mandated to learn Russian and all Russians English.

Well so, the American spy gets dropped off in the middle of Siberia. Freezing, he goes to the nearest house and knocks.

When the owner gets to the door, the spy says, "May I please have some shelter and food?"

The owner of the house replies, "..........YOU MUST BE SPY!"

The spy immediately is baffled and attempts to cover up, "What are you talking about?!"

"No black man speaks Russian!"

A grumpy old man and his wife . . .

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turnaround, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grumpy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

Five Dutchmen crammed in an old Renault 4, are driving through Belgium when they get pulled over ...

Five Dutchmen are crammed in an old Renault 4 and driving through Belgium when they get pulled over by a traffic cop.

“Good morning, I guess you know why I pulled you guys over, don’t you?”

“Well officer, I actually don’t. We couldn’t have been speeding, this car won’t even make the speed limit.”

“No, no, it’s not that. Do you not realise what car you’re driving?”

“Yes sir, a classic Renault 4”

“Right. And how many of you are in the car?”

“Five, sir.”

“There you go. One too many. Renault 4 is for 4 people.” The driver looks at the cop, slightly baffled.

“Sir, the number 4 doesn’t mean only 4 people are allowed to ride. I know it’s a bit cramped, but surely not illegal.”

“Are you telling me I don’t know the rules?” the cop says angrily.

“No, no, not at all sir, it’s just ... Renault 4 is just the model number, not the capacity” The cop, looking a bit unsure now, scratches his head and says “Alright, I’ll call my boss to check.” (On the radio) “Boss, Stef here, listen ... I’ve got 5 Dutchies here in a Renault 4 and they insist this isn’t illegal.

(Boss) “Stef, I don’t have time for your stupid questions right now. I’ve got three Italians in a Fiat Uno here!”

Was in a pub the other day...

Was in a pub the other day as one of the patrons was teliing the classic "What do you do if an epileptic person has a fit in the bath? Throw in the washing!" as a big burly guy walks over and says, "I don't think that's funny. My brother was epileptic and died in the bath."
"Sorry, did he drown?"
"No. He choked on a sock."

Classic Rocky and Bullwinkle pun

On a December trip to Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, Ferdinand Feghoot was summoned to the local college, Wossamotta U. by Inspector Fenwick, the Chief of Police.

There he was confronted with an appalling scene. Bullwinkle, the town's leading citizen, had been smashed flatter than a kippered herring by a falling safe.

"It's a common enough means of death for cartoon characters," Fenwick opined. "Every year, we lose five or six citizens to falling safes. But this time, it was no accident. This time, it's murder!"

He showed Feghoot the ingenious deadfall trap rigged to rain financial ruin on an unsuspecting victim. Bullwinkle's antlers were still entangled in the tripwire. Grasped tightly in one hand was a small statue of a Hindu god.

The dead quadruped's best friend, Rocky the flying squirrel had been with Bullwinkle at the time of his death, but when questioned by Feghoot, the distraught rodent said all he could remember was seeing a rabbi fleeing the scene upon a pogo stick.

Fenwick immediately issued an APB for the rabbi.

"You're wasting your time, Fenwick," said Feghoot grimly, as he stood from his examination of the body. "The rabbi has been framed. When you find him, he will tell you of some elaborate ruse that induced him to be on a pogo stick at this time and place."

"How do you know that, Feghoot?" asked the Inspector.

"This is the work of the Christmas Killer," Feghoot declared. "I have been on the trail of this fiend for years, and I fear that we might never catch him. Every December, he arranges one of these grisly messages."

"Look! Didn't you notice the smile on the victim's face? The corners of his mouth have been propped up... by these!" He displayed two toothpicks he had taken from Bullwinkle's mouth.

"I still don't see how you know the murderer is the Christmas Killer," said Fenwick.

"Isn't it obvious?" Feghoot asked. "Wee Vishnu, a merry crushed moose, and a hoppy Jew near."

A British Gentleman visits India..

He landed in the state of West Bengal, the former seat of the East Indian Company.

Dressed in classic gentlemanly fashion he decided to start the tour by visiting the famed Victoria Memorium Hall. Taken aback by the marvellous architecture, he stopped the nearest passerby and asked, "Who made this beautiful structure, if I may ask?". The passerby answered, "Who knows Sir?" The British man's eyes lit up. He thought, "I must visit Sir Huenose before I leave this country!".

His next stop was the Eden Gardens Stadium. Again, he was stunned by the architectural design of the stadium. In his excitement, he grabbed the nearest person and asked, "Who made this beautiful structure, if I may ask?". The person clearly irked by the grabbing irritably said, "Who knows Sir?". The British man was taken aback. He thought, "I simply must meet Sir Huenose before I leave. He seems to be a household name here".

His last stop of the day took him to the Hoogly Bridge. He was once again amazed by the breathtaking design. Again he beckoned the nearest person and asked, "Who might have made this structure, if I may ask?" The man clearly in a hurry said, "Who knows Sir?" and left. The British man had no words left to praise the achievements of Sir Huenose.

At sundown, he was slowly walking past the Ganges river while formulating the best way to setup a meet with Sir Huenose.

Then suddenly he notices several Hindu priests carrying a body on their shoulders while chanting their god's name. Wondering who it might be, he asked the nearest person, "Who might that be, if I may ask?". The person being a simple bystander shrugged and said, "Who knows Sir?".

Griefstricken, the British man exclaimed "Oh what a dreadful day, Sir Huenose is dead!!"

P.S: This joke is best said in my native language. Tried to give it a good translation, probably needs a lot of polishing.

Winning Blonde !!!

A beautiful blonde walks into a casino and over to a soda machine and arrives there just before a business man who's come to quench his thirst. She opens her purse and puts in 50 cents , studies the machine , presses the Diet Coke selection , and out comes a Diet coke , which she places on a counter by the machine. Then she reaches in her purse again and pulls out a dollar and inserts it in the machine.Studying the machine carefully, she presses the button for coca cola classic and out came a coke classic and 50 cents change.She takes the 50 cents and puts it in the machine , studies for a moment , and presses the sprite button.Out comes a sprite. As she is reaching into her purse again , the business man who has been waiting patiently for several minutes,speaks up"Excuse me miss , but are you done yet?" She looks at him and indignantly replies,"Well, Duh! I'm like , still winning!"

A classic by my grandpa.

It was funnier because he spoke broken English and cracked himself up every time.

Two Czechoslovakian friends were visiting the zoo. One leaned over the edge of the polar bear pit and fell in. He was quickly gobbled up. The zoo keeper came over mortified and asked the crowd what happened. One man spoke up and said the male polar bear swallowed him whole. Immediately the zoo keeper took a knife and cut him open only to find him empty. He then turned to the female and did the same saving the mans life. What lesson did the zoo keeper learn?

Never believe them when they say the Czech is in the male.

Classic hillbillies.

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't never see nobody do it!'

The most classic joke of all time


Y'all know Bill, right?

Y'all know Bill, right?

Bill was bragging to his boss a day ago "You know, I know a lot of pals. A *lot*. Pick any guy, famous or not, and I probably know him."

To confront this boring boasting, his boss calls his bluff. "Ok Bill, how about Tom Hanks?"

"No worry boss," says Bill, "Tom is an old pal of my own, I will show you" So Bill and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Hanks's door, and Tom Hanks shouts,

"Bill! What's going on? You must sit down with us, drink a pint!"

Although this was most stunning, Bill's boss was still curious, for what if Bill was just lucky?

"No, no, which pal should I show you now?"

"Hmph, Donald Trump" says his boss quickly.

"Trump is my most classic bud, now fly us to Washington!" which his boss did.

At that official building of our Constitutional hub, Trump spots Bill and his boss and motions both guys towards him, saying "Bill, what a random hookup, I was on my way to an important chat, but you and your pal must go in and drink a bit of sud with us, and catch up!"

At this point, that boss was shook but still not totally undoubting. So that boss says to Bill "What about that holy man Francis?

"Unconditionally! Pals for so long, many months, that holy man and I." And so his boss took Bill to Italy.

In that Vatican's hangout, standing amid a mass of crowds, Bill said "This just cannot work. How can I catch Mr. Francis' sight amid all this hubbub? You know what, I am pals with all his guards, so will just climb upstairs and stand upon that high balcony with Mr. Francis." And Bill ran through that crowd and into that Vatican.

In not half an hour, Bill shows up on that balcony standing along with Mr. Francis, that's right, Mr. Francis, but Bill ran back down to find his boss laid out on asphalt having a nasty cardiovascular attack, with doctors around him.

Making his way to his poor boss, Bill asks him "Omg you ok?? What did occur during my stand on that balcony?"

His boss looks up and says "It was that final straw... As you and Mr. Francis stood on that balcony, a random man to my right said "Who dafuq is that, standing on that balcony with Bill?"

Classic joke

Guy passes away and goes to Heaven. He is walking around aimlessly until an Angel stops him and asks
"Are you lost"

He said, "Yeah,kinda"

The Angel says," OK. Follow me and I'll show ya around."

He replies, "Great lead on."

They walk together down this corridor with numerous closed rooms.

"So, what are all these rooms for?", he asks

"Well, let's see. The one to your right is the Muslims. The one to your left is the Hindu room. The next one is the Jewish room. Across from there are another religion and so on. Now, this next room we need to be as quiet as possible. Shhhhhh!!! Tiptoe and do NOT make a sound!"

So they pass this room and just before the next door, the newly departed asks, " So, my angel, why did we have to tiptoe and not say a word? I am confused."

"Well, now, you see that was the Catholic room and those silly people think that they are the only ones here!"

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