Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"No, just here for a few days."
Hollywood is remaking Brokeback Mountain with Margot Robbie and Emma Watson On the one hand, I hate that they have to remake all the classic movies with female leads as if that somehow makes them better. On the other hand, lotion.
Classic dad joke, but in bad taste
So we were having a family dinner for the first time in a while.
My mum was saying how terrible the situation in Nepal is, when my Dad says "it's nepalling isn't it?"
I had a good laugh, feeling guilty after :(
Captain Hook is claiming that he was sexually assaulted by his first mate some years ago. It's a classic case of he said, Smee said.
A classic from my grandfather.
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way. Unique up on it.
A twist on a Thanksgiving classic . . .
Written by my twelve-year-old brother:
Q: April showers bring May flowers. What do May flowers bring?
A: Separatists and small pox.
When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally. Classic rook-y mistake.
Just witnessed this classic on the bus
Passenger: Which bus are you?
Driver: I'm not a bus, I'm the driver.
I asked a German the other day if he wanted to hear a joke...
I had the classic "How many ____ does it take to change a lightbulb" joke in mind.... But before I got to tell it,
He responded, "Nine"... How did he know?!?!
A classic riddle An explorer is on an adventure, and gets to two doors. Each door is blocked by a guard. The guard in the right says “One of us is honest, and the other one is a *liar.*” The guard on the left says “Goddamnit Greg I said I was sorry.”
Another classic Dutch Bakerjoke
* A dog walks into a bakery
* Baker: How can I help you?
* Dog: Woof!
* Baker: Anything else?
* Dog: Bark!
* Baker: That'll be 12 Euro's. Do you want a receipt?
* Dog: No.
why was the computer late to work? because it had a hard drive! (stole it from ellen, from her classic joke tuesday)
Have you read the book about the guy who can only ejaculate a virus? It's a classic coming-a-phage story.
What's the difference between a nut and bolt and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a nut and bolt.
Above is the classic punchline, but it occurs to me there is another:
...but you can't unscrew a pregnant woman, you can only nut and bolt.
Did you hear about the homeless artist who got turned down in his submission for a classic string toy rebranding? It was a no-go hobo yo-yo logo.
What do rap fans and classic rock fans have in common? They both have to worry about their favorite artist dying before the concert
Original & Classic Winston Churchill (not my retort) Lady Astor said to Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea," to which he responded, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!"
I noticed that people under the age of 20 are strongly gravitating towards 60s classic rock by well-known bands, such as The Who. I'm not trying to cause a big sensation, I'm just talking 'bout my generation.
Why did the mattress go to the therapist?
Because it was depressed
(Did I tell this before I mean it’s my classic joke)
A classic Tommy Cooper gag
* I said to the gym teacher: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?'
* He said: 'How flexible are you?'
* I said: 'I can't make Tuesdays.'"
What do you get when you cross hard alcohol with a classic American novel?
Edit: I've been told this is apparently a real drink... whatever, classic comedy
If you've heard of Post Malone maybe you've heard of Ho Malone It's this classic movie about a young boy who gets left behind by his family at Christmas and has to defend his house from burglars.
In the interest of of trying to make the classic doll more realistic, and easier for children to identify with, a new version is about to be released called "Divorced Barbie" She comes with all of Ken's stuff too.
What's the difference between a peeping Tom and a pickpocket?
A pickpocket snatches watches.
Source: Classic old school Redd Foxx.
Since its may the 4th, I decided to watch the classic Star Wars trilogy with my girlfriend.
First time she ever saw Chewbacca, and she thought he was an Ewok... ... ...
Classic wookie mistake.
(Oldie, but never gets olde)
I just got scammed by an Irish cat, but I should have known.. It was your classic Leopard con
My Dad's classic line to kids was to ask how old they were then tell them when he was their age, he was a year older. It would blow their minds!
Dad: "How old are you?"
Dad: "Oh, when I was your age I was 7."
Johnny Carson Classic
The air quality in Los Angeles is so bad...
“How bad is it?”
When locals want to breathe fresh air, they suck the air out of tires from cars with out-of-state license plates.
Thomas Edison stole the design for a film-playing box from Tesla. Tesla confronted Edison about it, but instead of apologizing he accused Tesla of trying to steal his idea. Classic case of projection
Whoever named it classic rock had great taste in music. All these years later it really is classic rock.
A contemporary take on this classic Pete and Repeat are in quarantine. Pete dies, who’s left to take on life’s responsibilities?
Have you guys heard Charles Mansons music? Its criminally underrated, I watched him live and he absolutely killed it, "game girl" is a cult classic
Did you know Lynyrd Skynyrd owns a movie theater that plays a different classic film every day? Tuesday’s Gone with the Wind
I’m not surprised that Jeff Bezos started seeing a woman who was close to his wife. Classic Amazon: “if you like this, here is something similar that you might like”
Classic Joke with a twist On dec 31 I am going to say “People ask me what I am going to do in one minute but I don’t have 2020 vision” then on Jan 1 I am going to say “hindsight 2020 that joke was garbage “
Need new material for 2020
My fav for 2019 was the classic "I don't care what Joe says about you Megan you're alright".
I need something to top this for 2020. Help!!!
Andrew Luck just retired spontaneously from the NFL. What World of Warcraft classic server do you think he's playing on?
I went to a record shop to buy my dad a new vinyl, I said “what’ve you got by the doors?”
He said “a bucket of sand and a fire extinguisher”
This isn’t mine, just a classic from Tim Vine
SPOILER - Just finished reading the supposed classic The Very Hungry Caterpillar Plot line is utterly full of holes.. I’m furious.
Shopping with dad...
At the supermarket buying milk.
Cashier: "Would you like the milk in a bag?"
Old man: "Nah mate, just leave it in the carton"
Haha, classic dad joke!
A genie magically appered in front of me. He said he could grant me 3 wishes, except for the classic 'wishing for more wishes' Joke's on him. I wished for more genies.
A classic nuts joke, with a twist.
What do you get when you put nuts on a wall?
What do you get when you put nuts on your chest?
What do you get when you smoke a crack rock, and put nuts on somebodys window?
Classic Dad Knock Knock Joke
"Just kidding, I'm not here. We all know I left your mom"
Kevin Spacey has now announced a new partnership with Atari, rebooting an old classic They're calling it "Spacey Invaders".
A classic one told by my philosophy teacher today...
A man dies. He goes into heaven. Later, he sees his wife. He can't believe it and when she comes to greet him, he backs off, and explains:
"I promised we'd be together until death do us part".
What are the vowels of classic rock?
C, S, N, (and sometimes Y)
I came up with this today, but it's too obvious in hindsight not to be an accidental repost.
BREAKING: Jack Black and Lewis Black arrested after fight outside NYC comedy club. A classic case of Black on Black crime
My favorite classic joke: What did the blind man say when walking past the fish store? Good day ladies. Sorry, I'll see myself out. This won't happen again.
Have you heard the latest news about the remake of Arnie's classic film Commando? The lead role has been given to Knickerless Cage.
Pop music is like a party hat Classic and fun, but you look like a douche if you put it on in the car.
Tommy Cooper gag A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.
Two cannibals are eating a clown
One turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?"
I decided to post this classic especially with the clown epidemic going on
When my kid wasn't able to tell his teacher what 12 x 12 was...
CPS came and took him away. A classic case; I should have known.
A guy walks into a building with his boss.
Ouch. You'd think that at least one of them should have seen it.
EDIT: A twist on the classic "a guy walks into a bar" joke.
I just read a letter from my future self detailing what cheeses I'm going to eat over the next thirty years and whether I'll like them. But what if I only like them because the letter says I should? It's your classic Brie Determination Paradox.