Hilarious Car Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Car Jokes

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car? A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

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Given that a radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, it's strange that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs." It would be like if we called a city "Liver Pool."

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If you run in front of a car you'll get tired... But if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted

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A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”

Score: 13723

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because of the-

Car driving by: HONK

Me: Because if the-

2nd car driving by: HONK

Me:

Cop:

Me: Because of the-

3rd car driving by:HOOONK

Me: Because of the “Honk if you think cops have micropenises’’ bumper sticker?

Score: 12226

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini. I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"

He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".

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Why did Elon Musk go broke? Because his car insurance rates were astronomical.

Score: 10140

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?". I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

Score: 9999

A policeman stops a car... Policeman: Whos car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living?
Miner: Mine

Score: 9692

Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance? Nether. They’re immigrants in America.

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Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer. Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

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A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway COP: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?

Miner: mine

Score: 7762

Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city.. Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.

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The American Government is just like a car... If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)

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My first day as a car salesman... Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

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My sister bet me $15 that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.

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Virginity is like a car Once you've had it 25 years, nobody else wants it either

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A man is washing his car with his son... ...after a while the boy says to his Father “Dad, why can’t we just use a sponge?”

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Hey girl, are you a parked car in July? Because I want to leave a baby in you.

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Dad joke warning ⚠ Knock, knock...
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.

I warned you.

I won a Gold medal! Wow! Thank you /u/ArticCamels! I appreciate you... Be safe out there.

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A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks: "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"

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A dad is washing the car with his son. After a moment, the son asks his father, "Do you think we could use a sponge instead?"

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Two Police officers. Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says:

“Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site.”

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I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching To reverse and leaving the scene

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"When one door closes another door opens" he said "That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."

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My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

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A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home. "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"

Herman said, "It's not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!"

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Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles. I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

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I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore. The car started right up but they said I'd need a new battery.

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Do Transformers get car insurance or life insurance? Neither because they live in America.

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Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said: 'dad, can't you just use a sponge?'

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My boss pulled up to work in his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied: "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

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Judge: “Why did you steal the car?” Man: “I had to get to work.”
Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”
Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.

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Apparently I snore so loudly that I scare everyone in the car I'm driving.

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My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. you should've seen the look on her face when i drove pasta

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A man is washing the car with his son. The son asks, "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"

Score: 768

What's the worst thing about accidentally locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go in and ask for a coat hanger.

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Parking a single car doesn’t require much space. But parking 200 cars, now that requires a lot.

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This morning I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water... ...After 15 minutes on the highway I realized I left my car at home...

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New Car Jokes

What’s the worst thing about locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.

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Loud snoring Apparently I snore so loud that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving

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Cops turned up at my place last night "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a car..."

I said "Yes but she has a great personality."

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A old man was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone. "Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herbert, "It's hundreds of them!"

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I once mixed Red Bull and coffee After 20 minutes on highway I noticed that I forgot my car at home

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A Dad is washing a car with his son. The son asks:

‘Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’

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Why are women like a Hurricane? They come at you all hot and wet and leave you without a house or car...

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“When one door closes, another one opens,” he said. “That’s all well and good,” I said, “But until you fix it, I’m not buying the car.”

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What can you say about your car, but not your girlfriend? She died last week, but I still use some of the parts

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A police officer stopped my mom's car. Officer: First name?
Mom: Frida
Officer: Last name?
Mom: Gomam
Officer: So you're Frida Gomam?

And my mom hit the accelerator.

Score: 431

What's the difference between a car tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear, one's a great year.

Score: 304

Your dog loves you more than your wife does. Want proof? Lock them both in the trunk of your car. Let them out an hour later and see which one is happy to see you.

Score: 387

Women are like car parking spaces... Usually, most of the good ones are taken....
So once in a while, you gotta stick it in a disabled one

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Tesla released a car air freshener last week... They call it Elon's Musk.

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What's the name of the Mexican that loses his car? Carlos...

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Judge: “Why did you steal the car?” Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”

Man: “I had to get to work.”

Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”

Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.

Score: 144

At the spelling bee Judge: Your word is "there."

Me: In a sentence please.

Judge: They're parking their car over there.

Score: 191

People laugh at my car because it's ugly and green At least I avacado

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A man parks his car. As he is getting out a traffic warden walks up and says, "I'm sorry sir, you can't park your car here." ..... ...."Yes I can" says the man. "The sign there says, 'Fine for Parking'!"

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I was in a crash with a smart car today. The smart car was totaled. My bike was fine, though.

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I got into an accident, but I managed to save a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching... my car to reverse leaving the scene.

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People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."

Score: 280

My wife didn't believe me when i said I'd made a car from spaghetti Should've seen her face when I drove pasta

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Apparently, I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car that I'm driving.

Score: 128

My girlfriend told me she wanted someone who treated her like a princess So I hired paparazzi to follow her and she died in a car accident.

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My wife opened the car door for me today. Would have been a good gesture if only we were not going 75MPH.

Score: 144

I got a new car for my wife! Best trade I ever made.

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Gambling has really helped me get back on my feet Because I lost my car in poker last night.

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What did the traffic light say to the car? Don't look at me I'm changing.

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The wardens at my University were always so nice. They always leave little notes on my car complimenting me, like, "parking fine".

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If you stand in front of a car, you get tired. If you stand behind a car, you get exhausted.

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Two blondes are locked out of their car... The first blonde is trying to unlock the car using a coat hanger. The second says to the first "hurry up! It looks like it's going to rain and the top's down!"

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One day a dad was washing the car with his son. The son said, "dad, can't You just use a sponge?"

The dad said "no son this builds character."

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Some blondes are in a car on their way to Disneyland. When they see a sign at an intersection.

"Disneyland left" ←

so they went back home.

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Brand new Teslas don't come with new car smell. They come with Elon's Musk.

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My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta

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Wife: "I have blisters on my hands.." Wife: "I have blisters on my hands from the broom."

Husband: "Next time take the car, silly."

Score: 171

I just turned 18 and my parents tried to surprise me with a car They missed

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When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

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What can you say about your car but not about your girlfriend? "It died a few weeks ago but I still use parts of it."

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What do you call the new car smell in a Tesla? Elon's Musk

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On my 16th birthday my parents tried to surprise me with a car but I jumped out of the way.

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Cop : Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do? Miner : Mine

Score: 426

A cowboy walks into a German car showroom and says, "Audi".

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"sometimes you just need a car ride to clear your head." - John. F. Kennedy

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I can't tell whether my new car's suspension is amazing, or if I'm a sociopath Either way when I ran over that pedestrian I didn't feel a thing.

Score: 280

I ran into the back of a dwarf's car. He said he wasn't happy. I said "Well which one are you?"

Score: 196

My parents tried to surprise me with a car this Christmas... Fortunately they missed.

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I really wish I knew who kicked the jack under the car which I was working on.. .. the suspension is killing me.

Score: 239

My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti: You should've seen the look on her face as i drove pasta!

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A prostitute said she would do anything for $10... Guess who just got their car washed!

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I got my little brother a Cisformer for his birthday It's like a transformer, but it starts out as a car and stays that way

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All my CDs are in my ex's car. I'd get them, but I don't want to face her. Plus I don't have the equipment for diving to the bottom of the river.

Score: 121

My boss phoned me and he wasn't happy. "You're late!" he yelled. "We've got an important meeting in ten minutes!"

I said, "I'm on my way to my car as we speak."

He said, "Do you think you'll make it?"

I said, "Probably, it's only a few feet away."

Score: 157

An employee tells his boss... Hey, that's a nice car you have there.

The boss looks at him and says:

Work hard, stay after hours, and next year, it'll be even nicer.

Score: 114

I saved 15% on car insurance by switching.... The gear to reverse and pulling away from the accident

Score: 242

An elderly lady calls her husband during his drive home, "Stanley, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 5, Please be careful!"... Stanley said, "It's not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!"

Score: 88

My sister bet me $100 I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

Score: 104

What's the worst part of getting your keys stuck in your car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.

Score: 100

I was walking by a car filled with bIack people and as I came near they locked the door. I felt like such a badass Then I realized that it was my car..

Score: 154