Car Jokes

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Funniest Car Jokes

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car? A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

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Funny Car Jokes
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Given that a radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, it's strange that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs." It would be like if we called a city "Liver Pool."

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If you run in front of a car you'll get tired... But if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted

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A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”

Score: 13723

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because of the-

Car driving by: HONK

Me: Because if the-

2nd car driving by: HONK

Me:

Cop:

Me: Because of the-

3rd car driving by:HOOONK

Me: Because of the “Honk if you think cops have micropenises’’ bumper sticker?

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My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini. I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"

He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".

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Why did Elon Musk go broke? Because his car insurance rates were astronomical.

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I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?". I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

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A policeman stops a car... Policeman: Whos car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living?
Miner: Mine

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Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance? Nether. They’re immigrants in America.

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Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer. Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

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A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway COP: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?

Miner: mine

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Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city.. Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.

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The American Government is just like a car... If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)

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My first day as a car salesman... Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

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My sister bet me $15 that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.

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Virginity is like a car Once you've had it 25 years, nobody else wants it either

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A man is washing his car with his son... ...after a while the boy says to his Father “Dad, why can’t we just use a sponge?”

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Hey girl, are you a parked car in July? Because I want to leave a baby in you.

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Dad joke warning ⚠ Knock, knock...
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.

I warned you.

I won a Gold medal! Wow! Thank you /u/ArticCamels! I appreciate you... Be safe out there.

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A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks: "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"

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A dad is washing the car with his son. After a moment, the son asks his father, "Do you think we could use a sponge instead?"

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Two Police officers. Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says:

“Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site.”

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I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching To reverse and leaving the scene

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"When one door closes another door opens" he said "That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."

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My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

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A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home. "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"

Herman said, "It's not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!"

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Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles. I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

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I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore. The car started right up but they said I'd need a new battery.

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I got into an accident, but I managed to save a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching... my car to reverse leaving the scene.

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I was walking by a car filled with bIack people and as I came near they locked the door. I felt like such a badass Then I realized that it was my car..

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Which is better exercise, chasing a car or running away from one? Chasing a car. After running from a car you'll just be tired, but after chasing one you'll be exhausted.

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New Tesla's dont have a new car smell The come with a Elon Musk.

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My sister bet me $100 I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

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My grandmother laughed when I said I was gonna build a car out of spaghetti. She wasn't laughing when I drove pasta.

Score: 87

A prostitute said she would do anything for $10... Guess who just got their car washed!

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I picked up a hitchhiker and he was surprised He asked me, "Dude, why did you give me a lift? What if I was a serial killer?"

I laughed and replied, "The chance of two serial killers being in the same car is astronomical"

Score: 79

My mum laughed at me when I said I was gonna make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

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A prostitute approached me today offering to do anything I wanted for $10 guess who just got their car washed

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New Car Jokes

Your mama so stupid she tried kill herself in the garage with the car running... Too bad she drives a Tesla.

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A magician is driving a car Then he turns into a driveway

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I bet my friend I could build a car out of spaghetti You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta

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What do you call a Swedish cell phone made by a car company? iKia

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My sister bet me €15 that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti You shoeod have seen her face when i drove pasta

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What do the Red Hot Chili Peppers do whilst riding in a car after headbanging to Bohemian Rhapsody and they want to put a tape on of their music but Garth won't comply - do? Give it to Wayne, give it to Wayne, Give it to Wayne now

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What’s Mickey Mouse’s favorite type of car A Mini Coupé

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How does Snoop Dogg wash his car? With his hoes

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My sister didn't believe me when I said I could make a car out of spaghetti You should have seen her face when I drove pasta

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What’s the last thing my friend told me before I got hit by a car? Dodge

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My 3.5 year old daughter's Dad joke My 3.5 year old daughter saw an old donut in the car and said: "papa that is old, I donut want to eat it."

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So I dated a car salesman... When we broke up he called me a depreciating asset.

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What car can anyone buy? A Ford.

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Why do strippers make great race car drivers? They all want the pole position.

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The new Tesla cars don't come with that new car smell. They have an Elon Musk

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So I saw a guy get hit by a car today and I couldn’t help but laugh It was ironically a Dodge

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I mixed my coffee with Red Bull this morning. I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

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My wife laughed at me when I announced I was building a car out of spaghetti You should have seen her face when I drove pasta...

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My wife said it was "crazy and impossible" when I told her I wanted to make a car out of spaghetti... You should have seen her face as I drove pasta!

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My Italian girlfriend bet me I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.

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Genie: you have one wish, but everything you wish for your wife gets double So if you wish for a car your ex wife will get 2, wish for a million dollars your ex wife gets 2 million

Man: fail one of my kidneys

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I was chatting with my coworker about cars last week and I was gonna ask him what kind of car he had... Before I could, he told me of his own accord.

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Nurse to my dad at the hospital... ... after he was hit by a car on his bike: do you smoke?

Dad, still not sure who the current president is: only when I'm on fire

Nurse: looks to my mom

Mom: no.

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As a bus driver, I've never gotten into a car accident in all my 20 years of experience. I have gotten into at least 15 bus accidents though.

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What do you call a green-skinned, pointy-eared Star Wars action figure driving a Japanese car? A toy Yoda driving a Toyota.

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What kind of car does a big brother drive? A Nissan.

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What’s the difference between a car tire and 300 blow jobs? One’s a Goodyear the other is a great year.

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What's common between a woman and a hurricane? When they come, they're wild and wet, and when they leave, they take the house and car with them.

Edit: Grammar

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I made snow angels this Christmas... My car skidded on the ice and I hit 3 pedestrians.

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How come there are zero Italian tourist travelling by car? Because all roads lead to Rome.

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My dad said his first car had a Dual-55 air conditioning system. All you have to do is to roll down both of the windows and drive 55 miles an hour.

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How did we know about Princess Diana's Obsession with her hair? They found Head and shoulders in the glove compartment of her car.

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Carl drives a stick **Andy:** Carl, why was the clutch in my car broken after i lent it to you?

**Carl:** Well don't you look at me, i didn't even touch the thing!

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Women are like Hurricane Harvey When they come, they're wet and wild. When they leave, they take your car and your house.

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A joke from my 8 year old cousin How do you put a whale in a car?

You can't you idiot!

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Some idiot was texting and driving and rear ended my car. It spilled my beer all over the place.

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There was a mexican and a black person in a car. Who is driving? A cop.

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What do you call white people pushing a car up a hill? White power.

What do you call asian people pushing a car up a hill?
Asian power.

What do you call mexicans pushing a car up a hill?
Grand theft auto.

Score: 8

I was texting on my phone and accidentally rear ended someone this morning... We Pulled into a residential area, the guy got out of his car and lo' and behold, he's a dwarf. He said, "I am NOT happy!!!" I said, "Well then which one are you?"

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Nintendo was going to convert a car factory to manufacture their new console. But the factory owner didn't want to make the switch.

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What happens to a frog's car when it break down? It gets toad away

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What's the worst part of getting locked out of your car outside of an abortion clinic? You gotta go inside and ask for a coat hanger

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Why can you never trust a car made in the Soviet Union? They keep Lenin to the left, and Stalin.

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Why didn't the piece of paper move out of the way when a car came speeding towards it? Because it was stationary.

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Police officer stops a speeding car and asks the driver.... Police officer: ''Can you identify yourself, sir?''

Driver(pulling out his mirror): ''Yeah, it's me.''

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Someone broke into my car and stole my speakers. It was grand theft audio.

Score: 9

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a car. The car crashes. Who survived? *America.*

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I don't know what made me feel more fat That my fast food weighed so much in my passenger seat that my car told be to put a seat belt on it or that I was so concerned with its safety that I actually did.

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What happened to the frog's illegally parked car? It got toad away

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What's Piccolo's preferred type of car? DODGE!!!

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Why does Jack Daniels come in a square bottle? So it doesn't roll around on the floor in your car

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Girl said that she would do anything for 5$ guess who just got their car washed.

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A man goes to buy a Christmas Tree... ... After the salesman rings him up and helps him strap it to the car, he asks, "were you planning on putting this up yourself?" to which the man responds, "Actually, I was thinking of putting it in the living room."

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An eskimo brought his car to a mechanic. Mechanic says, "you blew a seal"
Eskimo wipes his face, "no, I just had some ice cream".

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What kind of bug do you find on a long car ride? An I-shoulda-pede.

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Why couldn't the drummer make it to the show? He locked the bass player in the car.

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I told my girlfriend I was unfaithful My girlfriend found blonde hair on the passenger seat of my car, so I had to say that I was cheating on her.

How embarrassing would it be if she knew I sold corn on the freeway?

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What do you call clothes for a car? A tire.

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My parents surprised me with a car for my eigtheenth birthday. Luckily I dodged it.

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My girlfriend has just bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.

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