Car Jokes

Contents

Funniest Car Jokes

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car? A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

Score: 19929
Funny Car Jokes
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Given that a radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, it's strange that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs." It would be like if we called a city "Liver Pool."

Score: 17561

If you run in front of a car you'll get tired... But if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted

Score: 13917

A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”

Score: 13723

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because of the-

Car driving by: HONK

Me: Because if the-

2nd car driving by: HONK

Me:

Cop:

Me: Because of the-

3rd car driving by:HOOONK

Me: Because of the “Honk if you think cops have micropenises’’ bumper sticker?

Score: 12226

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini. I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"

He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".

Score: 11858

Why did Elon Musk go broke? Because his car insurance rates were astronomical.

Score: 10140

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?". I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

Score: 9999

A policeman stops a car... Policeman: Whos car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living?
Miner: Mine

Score: 9692

Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance? Nether. They’re immigrants in America.

Score: 9027

Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer. Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

Score: 7793

A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway COP: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?

Miner: mine

Score: 7762

Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city.. Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.

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The American Government is just like a car... If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)

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My first day as a car salesman... Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

Score: 6350

My sister bet me $15 that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.

Score: 5320

Virginity is like a car Once you've had it 25 years, nobody else wants it either

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A man is washing his car with his son... ...after a while the boy says to his Father “Dad, why can’t we just use a sponge?”

Score: 3760

Hey girl, are you a parked car in July? Because I want to leave a baby in you.

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Dad joke warning ⚠ Knock, knock...
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.

I warned you.

I won a Gold medal! Wow! Thank you /u/ArticCamels! I appreciate you... Be safe out there.

Score: 2644

A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks: "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"

Score: 2517

A dad is washing the car with his son. After a moment, the son asks his father, "Do you think we could use a sponge instead?"

Score: 2329

Two Police officers. Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says:

“Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site.”

Score: 2326

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching To reverse and leaving the scene

Score: 2141

"When one door closes another door opens" he said "That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."

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My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

Score: 1941

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home. "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"

Herman said, "It's not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!"

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Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles. I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

Score: 1860

I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore. The car started right up but they said I'd need a new battery.

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I got into an accident, but I managed to save a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching... my car to reverse leaving the scene.

Score: 523

I saved 15% on car insurance by switching.... The gear to reverse and pulling away from the accident

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I was walking by a car filled with bIack people and as I came near they locked the door. I felt like such a badass Then I realized that it was my car..

Score: 154

An employee tells his boss... Hey, that's a nice car you have there.

The boss looks at him and says:

Work hard, stay after hours, and next year, it'll be even nicer.

Score: 114

My sister bet me $100 I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

Score: 104

What's the worst part of getting your keys stuck in your car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.

Score: 100

An elderly lady calls her husband during his drive home, "Stanley, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 5, Please be careful!"... Stanley said, "It's not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!"

Score: 88

A prostitute said she would do anything for $10... Guess who just got their car washed!

Score: 80

My mum laughed at me when I said I was gonna make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

Score: 75

This morning I mixed redbull with coffee to help me wake up. I got about halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

Score: 60

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New Car Jokes

What type of car does Tarzan drive? A Mazda tree to tree.

Score: 5

A magician is driving a car Then he turns into a driveway

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I bet my friend I could build a car out of spaghetti You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta

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What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic? Going inside to ask for a coathanger.

Score: 5

My sister bet me €15 that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti You shoeod have seen her face when i drove pasta

Score: 5

What's a car's favorite genre of literature? [OC] An auto-biography!

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What’s Mickey Mouse’s favorite type of car A Mini Coupé

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What car can anyone buy? A Ford.

Score: 23

I mixed my coffee with Red Bull this morning. I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

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My new years resolution was to hit the gym more often. But I'm on my fourth car this year now. This is getting kind of expensive and I think the police are suspicious.

Score: 10

My wife laughed at me when I announced I was building a car out of spaghetti You should have seen her face when I drove pasta...

Score: 15

My wife said it was "crazy and impossible" when I told her I wanted to make a car out of spaghetti... You should have seen her face as I drove pasta!

Score: 39

My Italian girlfriend bet me I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.

Score: 14

Genie: you have one wish, but everything you wish for your wife gets double So if you wish for a car your ex wife will get 2, wish for a million dollars your ex wife gets 2 million

Man: fail one of my kidneys

Score: 6

I was chatting with my coworker about cars last week and I was gonna ask him what kind of car he had... Before I could, he told me of his own accord.

Score: 5

Nurse to my dad at the hospital... ... after he was hit by a car on his bike: do you smoke?

Dad, still not sure who the current president is: only when I'm on fire

Nurse: looks to my mom

Mom: no.

Score: 52

As a bus driver, I've never gotten into a car accident in all my 20 years of experience. I have gotten into at least 15 bus accidents though.

Score: 9

What’s the difference between a car tire and 300 blow jobs? One’s a Goodyear the other is a great year.

Score: 5

My dad said his first car had a Dual-55 air conditioning system. All you have to do is to roll down both of the windows and drive 55 miles an hour.

Score: 8

Carl drives a stick **Andy:** Carl, why was the clutch in my car broken after i lent it to you?

**Carl:** Well don't you look at me, i didn't even touch the thing!

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Women are like Hurricane Harvey When they come, they're wet and wild. When they leave, they take your car and your house.

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A prostitute approached me today offering to do anything I wanted for $10 guess who just got their car washed

Score: 57

A joke from my 8 year old cousin How do you put a whale in a car?

You can't you idiot!

Score: 6

Some idiot was texting and driving and rear ended my car. It spilled my beer all over the place.

Score: 33

There was a mexican and a black person in a car. Who is driving? A cop.

Score: 9

What do you call white people pushing a car up a hill? White power.

What do you call asian people pushing a car up a hill?
Asian power.

What do you call mexicans pushing a car up a hill?
Grand theft auto.

Score: 8

I was texting on my phone and accidentally rear ended someone this morning... We Pulled into a residential area, the guy got out of his car and lo' and behold, he's a dwarf. He said, "I am NOT happy!!!" I said, "Well then which one are you?"

Score: 10

Nintendo was going to convert a car factory to manufacture their new console. But the factory owner didn't want to make the switch.

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What happens to a frog's car when it break down? It gets toad away

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What's the worst part of getting locked out of your car outside of an abortion clinic? You gotta go inside and ask for a coat hanger

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Why can you never trust a car made in the Soviet Union? They keep Lenin to the left, and Stalin.

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Why didn't the piece of paper move out of the way when a car came speeding towards it? Because it was stationary.

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Someone broke into my car and stole my speakers. It was grand theft audio.

Score: 9

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a car. The car crashes. Who survived? *America.*

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I got my car crime-colored. It's black on black.

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I don't know what made me feel more fat That my fast food weighed so much in my passenger seat that my car told be to put a seat belt on it or that I was so concerned with its safety that I actually did.

Score: 6

Xbox One and PS4 Get into a car crash... And here comes the ambulance "WIIUWIIUWIIUWIIUWIIU"

Score: 21

When people ask why I have a "Trump 2016" sticker on my car I say it's for safety. When i'm pulled over, it's the quickest way to tell the Cop i'm white.

Score: 36

if the gas station is 2 miles away.. ..and my dad's car can travel at 60mph, why hasn't he returned from getting cigarettes after 6 years?

Score: 14

Somebody keyed my car.. They wrote "Cheater" and "pig" everywhere. I asked my girlfriend if she did it, and she said no. I don't know why anyone would write such a thing. I'll ask my wife when I get home tonight.

Score: 12

What's a fundamentalist Christian's favorite type of car? A convertible.

Score: 49

I wrote a book about my car It was an auto-biography

Score: 36

Want to know if your wife loves you as much as your dog? Lock them both in a trunk of a car and see who's happy to see you

when you open it to let them out

Score: 6

While in my car I drove beneath an overpass that was getting some work done on it I was under construction.

Score: 6

what is the disease that killed princes diana? Car pole tunnel syndrome

Score: 32

A blonde is driving her car and... ...she runs over 20 people while driving.
The officer pulls her up and says "Miss', do you know you just ran over 20 people back there?"
She replies:
"I'm sorry officer, what's the limit?"

Score: 24

Driving Down The Street I was driving down the street when i saw a black man with a tv, i thought to myself hmm that looks just like mine but when i got home mine was still there washing my car like i told him to.

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What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car next to an abortion clinic? Having to go in to ask for a coat hangar.

Score: 12

I am NOT Happy! I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

Score: 7

I hope to die the same way my grandfather died Asleep. Not screaming like everyone else in the car.

Score: 7

How do you know that a dog is a man's best friend? Take your girl and your dog, and lock them in the back of a car, return in 5 hours, which one do you think will be happy to see you?

Score: 6

I was driving down the motorway with my blonde girlfriend the other day and she said, "I think those people in the car next to us are from another country"
"why is that?" I said
"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says, 'stit rey su wohs'"

Score: 26

Did you hear about the new Israeli sports car? It turns on a dime then goes back and picks it up.

Score: 8

A man goes to buy a Christmas Tree... ... After the salesman rings him up and helps him strap it to the car, he asks, "were you planning on putting this up yourself?" to which the man responds, "Actually, I was thinking of putting it in the living room."

Score: 26

An eskimo brought his car to a mechanic. Mechanic says, "you blew a seal"
Eskimo wipes his face, "no, I just had some ice cream".

Score: 7

I told my girlfriend I was unfaithful My girlfriend found blonde hair on the passenger seat of my car, so I had to say that I was cheating on her.

How embarrassing would it be if she knew I sold corn on the freeway?

Score: 7

So i heard Paul Walker died in a car crash I guess that's why they don't call him Paul Driver

Score: 11

I was in Florida recently to visit a good friend... and saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Detroit."

So I broke the window, stole the radio, and left a note that read...

"I hope this helps."

Score: 20

Have you ever wondered whether it is your dog or your wife who is your real friend? Yes? Well if you have, just try this experiment...


Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?

Score: 29

For valentine's day, I got a new car for my wife I thought that was an awesome trade

Score: 45

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