What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car? A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
Given that a radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, it's strange that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs." It would be like if we called a city "Liver Pool."
If you run in front of a car you'll get tired... But if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted
A cop pulls over a car with two priests.
The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.
“We’ll do it.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because of the-
Car driving by: HONK
Me: Because if the-
2nd car driving by: HONK
Me: Because of the-
3rd car driving by:HOOONK
Me: Because of the “Honk if you think cops have micropenises’’ bumper sticker?
My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.
I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"
He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".
Why did Elon Musk go broke? Because his car insurance rates were astronomical.
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?". I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.
A policeman stops a car...
Policeman: Whos car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living?
Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance? Nether. They’re immigrants in America.
Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer. Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.
A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway
COP: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?
Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city.. Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.
The American Government is just like a car... If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)
My first day as a car salesman...
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
My sister bet me $15 that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
Virginity is like a car Once you've had it 25 years, nobody else wants it either
A man is washing his car with his son... ...after a while the boy says to his Father “Dad, why can’t we just use a sponge?”
Hey girl, are you a parked car in July? Because I want to leave a baby in you.
Dad joke warning ⚠
Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.
I warned you.
I won a Gold medal! Wow! Thank you /u/ArticCamels! I appreciate you... Be safe out there.
A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks: "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
A dad is washing the car with his son. After a moment, the son asks his father, "Do you think we could use a sponge instead?"
Two Police officers.
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says:
“Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site.”
I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching To reverse and leaving the scene
"When one door closes another door opens" he said "That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.
A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"
Herman said, "It's not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!"
Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles. I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.
I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore. The car started right up but they said I'd need a new battery.
I got into an accident, but I managed to save a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching... my car to reverse leaving the scene.
What's the name of the Mexican that loses his car? Carlos...
What's it called when Spider-Man has to stop a car? Peter Parking.
The Doctor made me walk again... Because I had to sell my car in order to pay the hospital bill
My boss pulled up in an awesome car today and I complimented him on it. He said, "Well, if you set goals, you're determined, and you work really hard and put in the long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
What kind of Mechanics fix and break your car at the same time? Quantum Mechanics.
Did you hear about the wooden car with the wooden engine, the wooden doors and the wooden chassis? It wooden go.
What does a Jamaican do when he sees a spaceman? He parks his car, man.
So I was driving home from work tonight, I saw a woman texting whilst driving. It infuriated me so much I threw my beer bottle at her car.
My wife got angry with me for opening a door for her. It almost made me lose control of the car.
A magician is driving a car Then he turns into a driveway
A penguin took his car to the mechanic.
The penguin left to get some ice cream and returned a few minutes later.
"It looks like you blew a seal" said the mechanic.
"Gross, its just ice cream" replied the penguin.
I bet my friend I could build a car out of spaghetti You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta
In West Virginia, a policeman stops a car...
Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living?
What’s Mickey Mouse’s favorite type of car A Mini Coupé
What kind of car does Pikachu drive? A volts-wagon.
I mixed my coffee with Red Bull this morning. I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
My wife laughed at me when I announced I was building a car out of spaghetti You should have seen her face when I drove pasta...
This morning on my way to work I wasn’t really paying attention and drove into the back of a car at some traffic light.
The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.
He said, “I’m not happy”
So I said, “Well which one are you then?”
My Italian girlfriend bet me I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.
Genie: you have one wish, but everything you wish for your wife gets double
So if you wish for a car your ex wife will get 2, wish for a million dollars your ex wife gets 2 million
Man: fail one of my kidneys
Billy asks his mate Paddy what is quickest way from Dublin to Cork.
Paddy says: "Are you going on foot or in the car?"
Billy replies: "In the car."
"Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy.
My sister didn't think I could build a car out of spaghetti You should've seen her face when I drove pasta
Wanna get back on your feet again? Miss a few car payments
As a bus driver, I've never gotten into a car accident in all my 20 years of experience. I have gotten into at least 15 bus accidents though.
I want to die like my grandfather, peacefully and in my sleep. Not like the screaming passengers in his car.
Why couldn't Elon Musk enter his house? Because his door was locked and he left the keys in his car.
This morning I was really tired, so I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.
I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
Not really a joke, I just heard this years ago and it still makes me laugh.
What’s the difference between a car tire and 300 blow jobs? One’s a Goodyear the other is a great year.
I accidentally drove my lake into the car Even if I said that correctly I'd still sound high
My dad said his first car had a Dual-55 air conditioning system. All you have to do is to roll down both of the windows and drive 55 miles an hour.
What do you call someone who steals a Tesla car?
I have to thank my buddy Chris for this one.
A black man and his latino friend are in a car. Who's driving? The police.
I tried to explain to my boss that I couldn't come in to work because my imported Swedish car broke down. But he didn't want to hear my Saab story.
A joke from my 8 year old cousin
How do you put a whale in a car?
You can't you idiot!
Why does Putin always take the bus to work? His car is always Stalin
What do you call white people pushing a car up a hill?
What do you call asian people pushing a car up a hill?
What do you call mexicans pushing a car up a hill?
Grand theft auto.
If you were to choose between winning the big lottery prize and your wife what car would you buy?
Why wasn't the physicist angry after he got hit by a car? Because he knew that he hit the car as hard as it hit him.
A penguin takes his car to the shop for maintenance. He goes across the street to a ice cream stand for a vinilla cone. Later he goes back to the shop to check on his car. Mechanic says "looks like you blew a seal". Penguin goes "No, it's just ice cream".
What do you call the smell of leftover Mexican food in your car? A Texas air freshener.
What do you call a retired Marine in a Chevy sports car? A Corps vet in a Corvette.
What do you call a Catholic Missionary who is also a car enthusiast? A Catholitic Converter
Little Johnny calls for his mom
"What is it Johnny?"
"Does Grandma know anything about car mechanics?"
"She's outside, under a bus"
Why didn't the piece of paper move out of the way when a car came speeding towards it? Because it was stationary.
Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump get into a car accident. Who survives? America
Theres no point in tailgating me when I'm going 50 in a 35 zone Also, those red flashing lights on your car look ridiculous
My wife said i couldnt make a car out of spaghetti... should have seen her face when i drove pasta
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a car. The car crashes. Who survived? *America.*
I finally stopped the annoying noise in my car. I just opened the door and shoved her out.
I hope my girlfriend enjoys long, romantic walks... ...because I don't have a car.
I realized I left my tuba in the car with the doors unlocked... I raced back as quick as I could and sure enough when I looked inside, there were two tubas.
I don't know what made me feel more fat That my fast food weighed so much in my passenger seat that my car told be to put a seat belt on it or that I was so concerned with its safety that I actually did.
When does feminism stop? When the car breaks down.
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton get in a car wreck, who survives? America.
Why do hurricanes have women name? Because they take away your house, your car, your furniture and everything you have.
Did you hear about the new Israeli sports car? It turns on a dime then goes back and picks it up.
An eskimo brought his car to a mechanic.
Mechanic says, "you blew a seal"
Eskimo wipes his face, "no, I just had some ice cream".
A guy opens the door to a brothel
And asks, "What can I get for five dollars"
One of the girls looks at him and says, "why don't you go jack off in your car?"
Guy closes the door and comes back 10 minutes later,
'Who do I give the 5 dollars to?'
If you see a Kentucky man driving down the road... How can you tell if he's married? If he's married there'll be tobacco juice down both sides of the car.
So i heard Paul Walker died in a car crash I guess that's why they don't call him Paul Driver
My brother was in a car accident yesterday and lost his left arm and left leg. Well actually, he's not my brother... he's my half-brother. He's all right now.
I'm really good with cars, man. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's going. - Mitch Hedberg
I was in Florida recently to visit a good friend...
and saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Detroit."
So I broke the window, stole the radio, and left a note that read...
"I hope this helps."
Why did the snail paint an S on the back of his car? So when he drove by people would say, "Hey, look at that S car go!"
Have you ever wondered whether it is your dog or your wife who is your real friend?
Yes? Well if you have, just try this experiment...
Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?
An old lady gets into an accident with a midget...
...he gets out of the car, obviously furious, and stomps toward the old woman. "I am *not* happy," he growls.
The old woman, calm as can be, says:
"Well, which one are you, then?"
For valentine's day, I got a new car for my wife I thought that was an awesome trade
What's the worst part of locking your keys in your car at an abortion clinic? Going inside and asking for a coat hanger.
What’s the worst part of locking your keys in your car at an abortion clinic parking lot? Having to go inside and ask for a coathanger.