What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car? A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
Given that a radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, it's strange that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs." It would be like if we called a city "Liver Pool."
If you run in front of a car you'll get tired... But if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted
A cop pulls over a car with two priests.
The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.
“We’ll do it.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because of the-
Car driving by: HONK
Me: Because if the-
2nd car driving by: HONK
Me: Because of the-
3rd car driving by:HOOONK
Me: Because of the “Honk if you think cops have micropenises’’ bumper sticker?
My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.
I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"
He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".
Why did Elon Musk go broke? Because his car insurance rates were astronomical.
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?". I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.
A policeman stops a car...
Policeman: Whos car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living?
Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance? Nether. They’re immigrants in America.
Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer. Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.
A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway
COP: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?
Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city.. Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.
The American Government is just like a car... If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)
My first day as a car salesman...
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
My sister bet me $15 that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
Virginity is like a car Once you've had it 25 years, nobody else wants it either
A man is washing his car with his son... ...after a while the boy says to his Father “Dad, why can’t we just use a sponge?”
Hey girl, are you a parked car in July? Because I want to leave a baby in you.
Dad joke warning ⚠
Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.
I warned you.
I won a Gold medal! Wow! Thank you /u/ArticCamels! I appreciate you... Be safe out there.
A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks: "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
A dad is washing the car with his son. After a moment, the son asks his father, "Do you think we could use a sponge instead?"
Two Police officers.
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says:
“Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site.”
I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching To reverse and leaving the scene
"When one door closes another door opens" he said "That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.
A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"
Herman said, "It's not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!"
Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles. I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.
I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore. The car started right up but they said I'd need a new battery.
I got into an accident, but I managed to save a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching... my car to reverse leaving the scene.
I was walking by a car filled with bIack people and as I came near they locked the door. I felt like such a badass Then I realized that it was my car..
New Tesla's dont have a new car smell The come with a Elon Musk.
My sister bet me $100 I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
My grandmother laughed when I said I was gonna build a car out of spaghetti. She wasn't laughing when I drove pasta.
A prostitute said she would do anything for $10... Guess who just got their car washed!
I picked up a hitchhiker and he was surprised
He asked me, "Dude, why did you give me a lift? What if I was a serial killer?"
I laughed and replied, "The chance of two serial killers being in the same car is astronomical"
If Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton gets in a car crash who will survive? America.
My wife got angry with me for opening a door for her. It almost made me lose control of the car.
I finally stopped the annoying noise in my car. I just opened the door and shoved her out.
Your mama so stupid she tried kill herself in the garage with the car running... Too bad she drives a Tesla.
A magician is driving a car Then he turns into a driveway
I bet my friend I could build a car out of spaghetti You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta
A car mechanic went bankrupt in less than a month His repair shop was on the second floor.
What did the philosophical car say? HMMMMMM Hmmmmmmmm hmmmmmm hmmm
What do you call a Swedish cell phone made by a car company? iKia
What does Kevin Hart’s car have in common with Epstein’s prison sentence?
They were both stopped short
Ok that’s enough Hart jokes I’m sorry
My sister bet me €15 that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti You shoeod have seen her face when i drove pasta
(Offensive) A black person and a mexican are in a car, who is driving? The police
What do the Red Hot Chili Peppers do whilst riding in a car after headbanging to Bohemian Rhapsody and they want to put a tape on of their music but Garth won't comply - do? Give it to Wayne, give it to Wayne, Give it to Wayne now
What’s Mickey Mouse’s favorite type of car A Mini Coupé
How does Snoop Dogg wash his car? With his hoes
My sister didn't believe me when I said I could make a car out of spaghetti You should have seen her face when I drove pasta
What’s the last thing my friend told me before I got hit by a car? Dodge
My 3.5 year old daughter's Dad joke My 3.5 year old daughter saw an old donut in the car and said: "papa that is old, I donut want to eat it."
So I dated a car salesman... When we broke up he called me a depreciating asset.
What car can anyone buy? A Ford.
Why do strippers make great race car drivers? They all want the pole position.
The new Tesla cars don't come with that new car smell. They have an Elon Musk
So I saw a guy get hit by a car today and I couldn’t help but laugh It was ironically a Dodge
I mixed my coffee with Red Bull this morning. I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
My wife laughed at me when I announced I was building a car out of spaghetti You should have seen her face when I drove pasta...
My wife said it was "crazy and impossible" when I told her I wanted to make a car out of spaghetti... You should have seen her face as I drove pasta!
My Italian girlfriend bet me I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.
Genie: you have one wish, but everything you wish for your wife gets double
So if you wish for a car your ex wife will get 2, wish for a million dollars your ex wife gets 2 million
Man: fail one of my kidneys
What part of a police car sounds disappointed? The sighren.
I was chatting with my coworker about cars last week and I was gonna ask him what kind of car he had... Before I could, he told me of his own accord.
Before I get into Spring Break traffic, I cover my car in Mucinex... It really thins out the congestion.
As a bus driver, I've never gotten into a car accident in all my 20 years of experience. I have gotten into at least 15 bus accidents though.
What’s the difference between a car tire and 300 blow jobs? One’s a Goodyear the other is a great year.
My first car was a chick magnet. Chicks ran away. It must've been facing the wrong way.
What's common between a woman and a hurricane?
When they come, they're wild and wet, and when they leave, they take the house and car with them.
How come there are zero Italian tourist travelling by car? Because all roads lead to Rome.
My dad said his first car had a Dual-55 air conditioning system. All you have to do is to roll down both of the windows and drive 55 miles an hour.
What’s a couple’s least favorite part of a car? The third wheel
How did we know about Princess Diana's Obsession with her hair? They found Head and shoulders in the glove compartment of her car.
A Brit and a Texan are talking. The Texan says "You know, I can get in my car and drive for 3 days and still be on my own land." The Brit replies "I had a car like that once."
What do you call someone who steals a Tesla car?
I have to thank my buddy Chris for this one.
A black man and his latino friend are in a car. Who's driving? The police.
Women are like Hurricane Harvey When they come, they're wet and wild. When they leave, they take your car and your house.
A joke from my 8 year old cousin
How do you put a whale in a car?
You can't you idiot!
Some idiot was texting and driving and rear ended my car. It spilled my beer all over the place.
What do you call white people pushing a car up a hill?
What do you call asian people pushing a car up a hill?
What do you call mexicans pushing a car up a hill?
Grand theft auto.
LPT: Always wait for the taxi driver to exit the car first if you have luggage in the trunk Then jump in the driver's seat and steal the car
A penguin takes his car to the shop for maintenance. He goes across the street to a ice cream stand for a vinilla cone. Later he goes back to the shop to check on his car. Mechanic says "looks like you blew a seal". Penguin goes "No, it's just ice cream".
What do you call a retired Marine in a Chevy sports car? A Corps vet in a Corvette.
Police officer stops a speeding car and asks the driver....
Police officer: ''Can you identify yourself, sir?''
Driver(pulling out his mirror): ''Yeah, it's me.''
My wife said i couldnt make a car out of spaghetti... should have seen her face when i drove pasta
I don't know what made me feel more fat That my fast food weighed so much in my passenger seat that my car told be to put a seat belt on it or that I was so concerned with its safety that I actually did.
How many words does it take to start a car? Forwards
Why does Jack Daniels come in a square bottle? So it doesn't roll around on the floor in your car
Girl said that she would do anything for 5$ guess who just got their car washed.
A man goes to buy a Christmas Tree... ... After the salesman rings him up and helps him strap it to the car, he asks, "were you planning on putting this up yourself?" to which the man responds, "Actually, I was thinking of putting it in the living room."
An eskimo brought his car to a mechanic.
Mechanic says, "you blew a seal"
Eskimo wipes his face, "no, I just had some ice cream".
What kind of bug do you find on a long car ride? An I-shoulda-pede.
Why couldn't the drummer make it to the show? He locked the bass player in the car.
I told my girlfriend I was unfaithful
My girlfriend found blonde hair on the passenger seat of my car, so I had to say that I was cheating on her.
How embarrassing would it be if she knew I sold corn on the freeway?
What do you call clothes for a car? A tire.
My parents surprised me with a car for my eigtheenth birthday. Luckily I dodged it.
My girlfriend has just bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.