Bald Jokes

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Funniest Bald Jokes

Funny Bald Jokes

What do you call a bald porcupine? Pointless.

I first noticed I was going bald When it took longer and longer to wash my face.

My friend went completely bald years ago, but he still carries a comb with him. He just can’t part with it.

If I ever start to go bald I'll get a rabbit tattooed onto my head..
From a distance it would look like a hare

A bald guy slipped in the shower Fell on his head and slipped again.

Why did the bald man have his hand down his pants? So he could run his fingers through his hair!

My bald dad commented on my hair earlier. He said I had hair like an emo.

He wasn’t too happy when I said he had hair like a chemo.

Why did the bald guy cut a hole in his pocket? Because he wanted to run his fingers through his hair.

I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said, Can you describe the symptoms? I said yeah, Homers a bald fat dude that drinks Duff and Marge has blue hair

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares.

I like to play chess with old bald men in the park But it’s hard to find 32 of them

I like playing chess with bald people in the park The problem is, it's kinda hard to find 32 of them

I like playing chess with bald men in the park... although its hard to find 32 of them.

Bald Joke An old friend went bald years ago, but still carries a comb with him.

He just can't part with it.

I once knew a bald guy who liked to draw rabbits on his head but from a distance they looked like hares

Hear the one about the bald guy getting bumped to business class after passengers made fun of him? Talk about the advantages of a reseating airline.

Randomly came up with this joke laying in bed one night - What do you call a bald eagle with the flu that migrates from Mexico to the US? An ill eagle immigrant...

I like to play chess with old bald men at the park. ..Although its hard to find 32 of them

I love playing chess with bald men in the park, but it's hard to find 32 of them.

-Emo Phillips

Why do bald men cut holes in their pockets? So they can run their fingers through their hair.

What do you call a barber that only works on bald people? An air stylist.

My bald friend still carries his old comb with him. He just can’t part with it.

Why did the bald guy cut a hole in his pants pocket?? So he could run a hand through his hair!!!

Why do bald men have holes in their pants pockets? So they can run their fingers through their hair

Why did the bald man cut a hole in his pocket? He wanted to run his fingers through his hair.

My friend went completely bald years ago, he still carries a comb with him. He just can't part with it.

Why do bald men have holes in their pockets? So they can run their fingers through their hair.

What is six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy? A hundred dollar bill.

My wife was worried about getting older, so before she woke up on her birthday, I cut off all the white hairs she had. For some reason, she woke up bald and in a bad attitude

I went bald early in life and I have a comb... I just can't part with it.

Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets ? To run his hands through his hair.

How Can You Identify a Bald Eagle? All his feathers are combed to one side

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance, they looked like hare.

Why did the bald guy leave the wig shop without a wig? because he forgot toupee

My friend went bald five years ago, but he still carries a comb. He just can't part with it.

A bald man was once presented with a comb as a gift... He said, "I'll never part with it."

I went bald early in my life. But I still have my comb. I just can't part with it.

My girlfriend introduced our new baby to my friends. "Look at those chubby cheeks and bald head," they said.

I said, "Thanks, but we're here to talk about the baby."

Did you hear about the bald man's will after he died? Turns out he didn't have any heirs.

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New Bald Jokes

Bald men Men who are bald in front are thinkers.

Men who are bald in back are lovers.

Men who are bald in front and back THINK they are lovers.

What is the national bird of the middle earth? The bald smeagol.

What an old bald man told a young boy in dark room? Amen

Why was the bird wearing a wig? Because it was a bald eagle!

Philosophy in a nutshell: A blind man saw an arm amputee pull the hair of a bald guy that was smelling a deaf man listening to a mute.

What's the definition of baked beans on toast? 50 bald men on a raft

The crippled man covered his bald spot He put on his handy cap

What are bald sea captains afraid of? Cap sizes

I went bald early in life but I still have my comb. I just can't part with it.

My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him. He just can’t part with it.

I went bald years ago, but I still have my comb... I just can't part with it.

How many Bald Men does it take to fix a light bulb 47

Someone stole the president’s wig That was a bald move

Studies have shown: 100% of bald men have no hair

I made fun of fat men and I became fat I teased the bald men and I became bald. Now I only make fun of the rich

A blonde, a ginger and a bald man walk into a live music bar. The doorman refuses entry to the ginger, because the band is playing soul music.

My friend went bald years ago, but he still carries his old comb with him. He just can’t part with it.

I will one day have a pet bald eagle Name it Freedom. Teach it to ring a bell when it wants fish, so I can let Freedom ring.


I'll show myself to the door.

A bald spot is like a lie... ...the bigger it gets the harder it is to cover it up.

A guy was mocking his bald friend that was trying products for hair growth The bald guy had enough and said ”Can you just leave me alone!?”

The friend responded with ”Alright then, I’ll get out of your hair”

What's the difference between a bald englishman and a bald scotsman? The englishman buys himself a hat while the scotsman sells his comb.

As a short, stalky and bald man, I have a swimmers body In my freezer

I made fun of my brother getting a bald haircut I turned around and saw the rest of the cancer patients staring at me

I saw this bald dude that looks like a rapper that i know Turns out he's just some Common bald guy

Why did the bald man have no use for keys? Because he lost his locks... ?

What Should Marvel's Falcon new name be? Bald Eagle .

What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? Thanks I’ll never part with it!

I knew I was going bald I knew I was going bald... Well it took longer and longer to wash my face.

Why do I keep seeing pictures of bald kids in children’s hospitals? Like honestly it’s not *that* hard to wash your hair

How could a man go outside in the pouring rain without protection, and not have a hair on his head get wet? he was bald

My friend went bald years ago, he still carries a comb with him. He just couldn't part with it.

I’m going to tattoo a row of rabbits running away on the top of my head. That way if I go bald everyone can see my receding hare line.

I understand that the dove is the "bird of peace" and the bald eagle is "strength and freedom", but I honestly can't get "true love" The swallow :(

When bald people wash there face, How far up do they go?

A comb is the best present a bald man can receive He’ll never part with it.

What kind of bird doesn't need a comb? A bald eagle.

How did medusa die? the bald guy she was trying to stone had just found a coin.

What did the owner of the Italian restaurant say to the bald man that was trying to dine-and-dash? You need a toupee!

What did the umpire say to the bald man? "You're outta hair!"

Why should you never lend your comb to a bald person? Because they will never part with it.

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Long Bald Jokes

There was an old man who lived by a forest.

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do," the man continued, "is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

An old one, but I've never seen it on this sub...

A man is brought before an American court on charges that he killed and ate a bald eagle. "This is a serious crime," says the judge. "What do you have to say in your defense?"



"Your honor, please!" the man begs, "Have some mercy on me. I was trapped in the wilderness for days. I stumbled upon one of these birds that had fallen out of its nest and broken its wing. The eagle was going to die anyways, and I needed to save my own life. I killed it quickly, to put it out of its misery and got enough strength from the meat to stay alive until I was rescued. This was a life-or-death situation for me -- what else could I have done?"



After solemnly considering the situation, the judge responds, "Given the circumstances, I think we can pardon you for this offence. However, just out of personal curiosity, what does a bald eagle taste like?"




"Well, it's kind of like a cross between California condor and komodo dragon."

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle...

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: "Do you know that eating a Bald Eagle is a federal offense?"

Man: "Yes, I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."

Judge: "Proceed."

Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the eagle. I figured that since I killed the eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."

Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."

15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"

Man: "Well, your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe kind of between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

Two men are sitting in the cinema waiting for the movie to start

so they get bored with all the commercials and suddenly one of the two notices a bald guy in the middle of the front row. So he tells his friend '' 5 bucks if i go smash his head ? ''. The other guy curious about the outcome likes the idea so he agrees. The man stands up goes down the stairs smashes the bald guy on the head and says to him '' Hey Mike , long time no see man '' . The bald guy clearly surprised responds ''I believe you made a mistake sir'' so the guy replies '' I'm so so sorry sir '' and walks away.
The two friends laugh and the man gives the 5 bucks to his rather bold friend. After 5 minutes the guy tells his friend again ''10 bucks if I do it again ? '' the friend agrees and so the man goes and smashes the bald guy's head again and says ''Hey mike how have you been man ? '' . The bald guy now clearly irritated tells him '' Hey man listen , i've already told you i'm not Mike '' and the guy responds '' A thousand apologies sir , won't happen again'' and goes back to his friend who is now dying of laughter while the bald guy in the front row switches seats and sits now in the corner.
After receiving his money he tells his friend again '' 50 bucks if i do it one last time ? '' so his friend who is dying of curiosity agrees. Once again the man goes down and to the bald guy who is now sitting in the corner and smashes his head while shouting '' Oh come on Mike , you've been sitting here all along and i've been smashing that pour guy's head for 15 minutes ? ''

Edit: as i saw from the comments smash may be a wrong verb , smack or hit would fit better .

An old woman walks into a bank...

The bank was the most reputed one in the small town.

Clerk: " May I help you madam?"

Woman:"I want to open an account and deposit $1,000,000."

Since it was a lot of money, the clerk sent the woman to the manager's office.

Manager:"Please don't mind my asking but how do you happen to have such a large sum of money."

Woman:"I win bets, for a living."

Manager:"I am confused."

Woman:"I can bet that you are actually bald and wearing a wig."

Manager(thinking that she is mad): Well these are real hair, you may check it yourself."

Woman: How about a bet of a thousand bucks? Tomorrow I will come with my lawyer and check your hair.

Manager, thinking that he would surely win, nodded.

The next day woman walked in with a lawyer. The manager said he was ready and the woman began pulling his hair. Seeing this the lawyer fainted. Manager cried," What happened to him?OMG."

Woman: Nothing, I had betted with him that I will pull the hair of the manager of this town's most reputed bank and he would let me do so. Poor guy just lost half a million dollars.

An idiot, a barber, and a bald man go on a journey...

At some point in the journey, they decide to set up camp for the night, so they agree to stay awake in four hour shifts to guard their stuff. The barber, having the first shift, gets bored and so ends up shaving the idiot's head. When his shift ends, he wakes up the idiot, who has the second shift. As he's coming to, the idiot rubs his head and finds he has no hair. "That barber is a right moron!" he exclaims, "He's got it all wrong and woken the bald man instead of me!"

(this joke from the Philogelos, is over a thousand years old

There was an old man who lived by a forest.

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.”

“What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”

So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

A park ranger finds a man in the wilderness eating a bald eagle.

The man is arrested and brought to trial for killing a protected bird.

He pleads with the judge, "Your honor, I was lost in the wilderness for three days without food, and the eagle attacked me. I fought back in self-defense, and I ate it because I was starving."

The judge listens to the tale and rules that the man is not guilty. But he turns to the man and asks, "Well, now that we're done with all that, I admit that I am curious to know, what does bald eagle taste like?"

"Well, your honor, it's like a cross between a snowy owl and a whooping crane."

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are crossing a bridge

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are crossing a bridge, when suddenly a bald old woman appears.

"I am the witch who guards this bridge. Ye may only pass if you present to me a challenge which I cannot do."

The Englishman steps up first:

"I was the best footballer in my hometown. I bet you cannot kick a football further than me."

So the Englishman kicks a football, and it goes off into the distance, 5 football fields or so away. However the bald witch steps up and easily kicks the football twice as far. The Scotsman is next to challenge the witch.

"I was almost picked for the Olympic swimming team. I bet you can't swim to the other side of the river and back faster than me."

So the witch and the Scotsman jump in the river, but to the Scotsman's surprise the bald witch easily beats him to the other side and back.

The Irishman is the last to challenge the witch. He pauses for a moment, then pulls a comb out of his jacket pocket, looks the witch in the eyes, and starts combing his hair back.

"I bet you can't do this."

Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar...

Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar on Christmas Eve.

Bernie Sanders says "Hello, can I have a drink?" and gets a drink.

Donald Trump walks up to the bartender and says "Merry Christmas, can I have a drink? By the way, bartender, you are extremely ugly. I f***ing hate you. You're also bald. I hope that you die soon. When I become president I will make sure to deport ugly and bald people like you."

The entire bar looks in shock. A news reporter, there at that time, says to a patron of the bar, who originated from the South, "What do you think of this?".

The patron replies "Absolutely f***ing disgusting - Bernie Sanders didn't say Merry Christmas!"

Two guys were waiting for the train at a busy train station...

bored by the wait, the first guy decides to have fun. He gazes across the distance and spots a lonely bald man and challenges his friend to go smack him on his head for twenty bucks.
The second guy accepts the challenge. He goes behind the bald guy and slaps the man behind his shiny bald head - "Hey James what are you doing here in this town?" The man utterly confused and mad - "Do I know you? " the second guy apologizes for mistaking him for his friend James and goes back to claim his twenty bucks.
The first guy was quite surprised that he pulled it off...then he makes it even more challenging. "I'll give you fifty bucks if you hit that guy again on his head."

His friend accepts the challenge again and goes to the side of the person and smacks him on the back of his head. "James you Motherf***er, you are just messing with me pretending to not recognize me..we met at Chuck's bachelor party, we had a great time together, don't you remember?" The poor man was furious and he yells that his name is not James and he doesn't know him. He collects his stuff and moves to some other part of the station. The guy goes back and collects his fifty bucks from his friend.

Amazed by the feat, the first guy challenges the second guy to a Hundred bucks if he hits the same guy on his shiny bald head again for the third time! The second guy thinks for a while but decides to go find the guy sitting further down the station. Sneaking from behind he smacks him on his head and yells "James, you are sitting here. I had been bothering this other guy that looked just like you! how are you doing man?" The poor man was speechless...

A man is caught by a forest ranger for eating a bald eagle over a camp fire and brought to trial.

The judge gives the man a single chance to explain himself.

The guy says, "I understand how it must have looked to the ranger, but I was lost in the wilderness for 15 days, and I hadn't eaten in 5. When I woke up with the eagle perched on a stump a couple of yards away, out of instinct I grabbed a rock that was next to me and threw it at the bird. It was a miracle shot, and if didn't eat the bird, there was no way I could have survived. So I made sure he was dead, plucked him, and roasted him, which is when I was rescued."

Being an outdoor enthusiast, the judge replies, "I spend a lot of time in the woods, and your story definitely raises more than a reasonable doubt about your guilt. I'm inclined to belive it and release you. I just have one question: I've eaten many different game birds in my life, how did it taste?"

Without hesitation, the defendant replies, "Oh, I'd say somewhere between a whooping crane and a spotted owl."

Triplets

There are triplets in a mothers womb, talking about what they want to do when they grow up.

The first triplet says "When I grow up, I will be an electrician, because it's too dark in here."

The second triplet says "When I grow up, I will be a plumber, because it's too wet in here."

The third triplet says, "When I grow up I want to be a boxer, so that I can beat up that bald guy who comes in here and spits on us all the time!"

Phoning an ex

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah," I said, Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up.

A man is arrested for killing a condor

A man is arrested for killing an endangered condor. Before the judge, the man says, "Your honor, I only killed the condor to feed my hungry family."

The judge says, "Well, I can't charge a man for feeding his family. And I'm curious so I'll let you off with a warning if you answer one question. What did it taste like?"

The man says, “Somewhere between a bald eagle and a baby seal."

A barber, a bald man and an absent-minded professor take a journey together...

They have to camp overnight, and so decide to take turns watching the luggage. When it's the barber's turn, he gets bored, so amuses himself by shaving the head of the professor. When the professor is woken up for his shift, he feels his head, and says "How stupid is that barber? He's woken up the bald man instead of me.


I saw this joke on the Wikipedia article for "joke." It's interesting how, even though this joke is from the third or fourth century, it's still humorous today.

The old dentist

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which showed his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name who had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could this be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he beamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1959. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald wrinkled, fat, gray, decrepit son-of-a-gun asked, "What did you teach?"



(Credit to this joke goes to surfersam.com)

TV shopping.

Mary Sue, a young woman with notable blonde hair, decided that she needed a new TV for her bedroom.

So she goes down to the local applience store and looks around before poking the nearest salesman in the shoulder. "Excuse me sir, I'd like to ask you a few questions about that TV."

The man looked the woman up and down and smiled before shaking his head. "I'm sorry miss, but I don't sell TV's to dumb blondes." He snorted before walking off.

Annoyed but not beaten, Mary went home and died her hair the darkest shade of black she could, and returned the next day and walked straight up to the manager again. "Excuse me sir, I'd like to ask you a few questions about that TV on the shelf."

The manager gave the woman another look and shook his head again. "I'm sorry miss, but I don't sell TVs to dumb blondes." He replied again and went back to the break room.

Mary, now furious that she had been stumped twice by the man, went home and shaved her head bare till she didn't even have a stubble of hair.

The next day, bald headed Mary strode into the store and crossed her arms infront of the manager. "SIR, I'd like to buy that TV over there." She told him in a firm voice.

The man, smiling at the shine of her head, could only shake his head from side to side. "I'm sorry miss, but I don't sell TVs to dumb blondes."

Mary was beyond herself now, and would have tore out her hair if she had any left. "HOW?! How do you know I'm a blonde?" She begged the man.

"Well for starters, Miss, that is Microwave."

So, I went to go get my haircut..

And I told the barber to make the left side a little shorter than my right. Then I told him to make a couple of little holes and bald patches. And for the back of my head, don't make my hairline equal. Make it a zigzag.

He looks at me and says, "Come on, you know I can't do that, it wouldn't be right!"

And I'm like, "I don't see the problem, you did it last time..."

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime.

On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:
Judge: "Do you know that eating a Bald Eagle is a federal offense?"
Man: "Yes, I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."
Judge: "Proceed."
Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the eagle. I figured that since I killed the eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."
Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."
15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.
Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"
Man: "Well, your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe kind of between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

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