Contents

Contents

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful. I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful. I just need to work out if that’s my wife or my girlfriend

Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Edit- This is a famous quote by Aaron Levenstein. A Professor told this to a friend.

Statistics say that 1/3 of people cheat in their relationships
Which got me thinking,

Is it my wife or is it my girlfriend who is cheating?

People are always saying Americans are fat, violent, and above all else, stupid But every time I see one of those statistics maps about how terrible we are, there's this little country on the northwest border of Canada that's just as bad as we are.

Statistics say that 60% of women take medication for mental illness, Which means 40% aren't taking their medication.

I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, and I'll even do statistics But graphing is where I draw the line!

A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light. For support, rather than illumination.

Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating..... I just need to figure out if it's my wife or girlfriend

Statistics is like a bikini on a beautiful woman... ... what it reveals is exciting; what it hides is vital.

I've spent today analysing some statistics about how drunk people walk. They're just staggering.

Frightening Statistic
This is probably one of the most worrisome statistics to emerge in recent years.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary.

It means 75% are running around untreated.

Statistics humour The median and the mode walked into a bar. The bartender asks, "Where's your other friend". The median says, "We don't like him anymore. He's mean."

The World Health Organization has stated that eating bacon increases your chances of getting cancer. Statistics also show that not eating bacon dramatically increases your chances of blowing yourself up.

Statistics say the in relationships, 1 out of every 3 people is unfaithful Now I just need to figure out if that’s my wife or my girlfriend

Breaking news: statistics shows that female drivers are turning into good drivers So for the good drivers out there, watch out for female drivers

NEW study shows that Birthdays are good for your health Statistics show that people who have more birthdays, live the longest!

The problem with math jokes
Calculus jokes are derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are too formulaic but arithmetic jokes are just basic.

The outlier is the occasional statistics pun.

Statistics show that one out of three of your next door neighbors could be a child molester... Thank goodness the only neighbors I have are smokin' hot ten year olds.

I was talking to some friends about my fetish for anything statistics related... and apparently it's not a standard deviation.

Statistics show that 1 in 20 of us live next door to a paedo... ...not me though, I live next door to two stunning 8 year olds.

How can you live forever? Live for at least 100 years. Statistics show that very few people die over the age of 100.

Govt. Statistics show that 35% of all school kids fall victim to online bullying and this can only mean 1 thing 65% of my emails aren't going out

According to statistics one in three people live next to a paedophile Thankfully I just live next to some really hot 11 year olds

Statistics says 1 in 3 people have an affair Now i just need to figure out whether it is my wife or my girlfriend..

Statistics show that vegetarians live on average ten years longer than meat eaters Ten long miserable years

Apparently statistics show only "5% o peple" have cracked their phone screens Edit: After reading the same article on my computer, it appears "50% of people" have cracked their phone screens.

Statistics is like a bikini on a beautiful woman: What it shows is interesting, but what it doesn't show is the most important part.

My friend told me a statistic today, however I found it was false Did you know 80% of statistics are false?

The Police has revealed their statistics for the last 48 hours.
Theft: 0 cases

Killings: 0 cases

Prostitution: 0 cases

Family and roommate quarrels: 8720 cases

Pain tolerance
It is believed that kids have far more pain tolerance than adults.

There could be statistics to support this , if only they stopped screaming their throats out in my basement.

statistics of birth control effectiveness
Condoms = 99%

birth control pills =99%

My tinder profile = 100%

Did you know that 97.62% of all statistics are made-up numbers with unnecessary decimal digits to appear more authoritative?

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, It was the age of statistics and there was conclusive proof to support both views.

Person 1 : I used to think correlation implied causation. Then i took a statistics class. Now I don't
Person 2 : I think the class helped

Person 1 : maybe

Having birthdays is really good for your health. Statistics show that the people who have had the most birthdays live the longest.

Statistics show more people are killed by bees than snakes. Politicians just have better lawyers.

HIV is a quite common disease According to the statistics "One of Two and a half men gets it"

Statistics have proven that the average parent communciates with their child using smartphones
Antivaxxer parents use an Ouija board.

P.S. (Sorry if it's a repost, just saw a meme in Russian and it was my first time)

Why did Han Solo get an 'F' in Statistics class? Because he kept telling the teacher, "Never tell me the odds!"

Statistics show that 85% of all Redditors reading this Need to put their phone down and wipe.

TIL: 5/7 People make up statistics on the spot. There is a 50% chance this data lacks validity though.

My friend really went off the rails after he failed his statistics course The aftermath was terrible.

Statistics say that 30% of women are on medication for some sort of mental issue... That means there are 70% running around out there unmedicated...

Birthdays Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Statistics are like a bikini What it reveals is suggestive, but what it conceals is essential.

My statistics professor is certain he will get in shape this year. He's doing confidence intervals.

Birthdays are good for us... Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

They sometimes shipped empty boxes

without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the

buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with

them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to

hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The

project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated,

RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had

a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in

the project was pleased.

They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would

sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it

should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective

box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the

new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the

factory.

With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well

spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number

of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with

projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate

should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check

the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.

Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line

where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new

$8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off

the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.

"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it

there because he was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting

the line every time the bell rang."

without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the

buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with

them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to

hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The

project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated,

RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had

a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in

the project was pleased.

They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would

sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it

should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective

box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the

new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the

factory.

With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well

spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number

of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with

projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate

should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check

the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.

Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line

where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new

$8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off

the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.

"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it

there because he was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting

the line every time the bell rang."

Each of them are brought into the bosses office individually and asked only one question.

The mathematician comes in and is asked "what is 2 + 2?" To which he answers "obviously it's 4"

The engineer is asked the same question. "Well it's hard to say for sure, I'd have to make a few calculations, draw up some graphs. Let me get back to you in about a week."

Finally, the statistician is brought in.

"What's 2 + 2?"

The statistician then casually closes all the blinds in the room and slyly asks "what do you *want* it to be?"

The mathematician comes in and is asked "what is 2 + 2?" To which he answers "obviously it's 4"

The engineer is asked the same question. "Well it's hard to say for sure, I'd have to make a few calculations, draw up some graphs. Let me get back to you in about a week."

Finally, the statistician is brought in.

"What's 2 + 2?"

The statistician then casually closes all the blinds in the room and slyly asks "what do you *want* it to be?"

... they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left.

The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right.

Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"

SOURCE: One of about three jokes the PhD students from the computational mathematics and statistics know.

-------

Bonus: Incest is a family-wise error.

The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right.

Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"

SOURCE: One of about three jokes the PhD students from the computational mathematics and statistics know.

-------

Bonus: Incest is a family-wise error.

after his first session with the tutor, his parents asked him how it went.

johnny said "well, today i learned that correlation is not equal to causation"

johnny's mother was pleased: "so hiring this tutor is really helping you understand statistics!?"

johnny responded "well, not necessarily."

johnny said "well, today i learned that correlation is not equal to causation"

johnny's mother was pleased: "so hiring this tutor is really helping you understand statistics!?"

johnny responded "well, not necessarily."

Came up with this a while back, and found it today. I cleaned it up a bit:

A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer can't take it anymore and decide to commit suicide.

The biologist reviews some data and determines the impact velocity required to kill a human. He then calculates the appropriate drop height using basic conservation of energy, and finds a suitable building. The biologist jumps off, but the wind resistance slows him down just enough that he survives with major crippling injuries.

The physicist, hearing of this, develops a more complex model. He models himself as a uniform cone and uses a second order drag model to account for wind resistance. He obtains a numerical solution for the appropriate drop height, which is a little bit higher than what the biologist had anticipated. He finds a suitable building, and jumps off. On the way down, a strong gust blows him into a tree, and then he bounces to the ground. He survives with major crippling injuries.

The mathematician hears of this and is determined to do it right. He models himself as a non-uniform complex 3D body, and sets up a full-on coupled analysis using the Navier-Stokes equations. To determine the required impact velocity, he uses nonlinear FEA software to model skeletal impact. He then reviews 50 years of local wind statistics and surveys the surrounding area to determine any possible gusts and their respective probabilities. He analyzes an array of scenarios using a supercomputer running the best CFD software, and determines a 99% confidence interval for the required drop height. He picks the highest number and applies an additional 10% margin of safety. Finally, the mathematician finds a suitable building and jumps off. Higher than average ambient temperatures cause a nearby snow pile to collapse and slide right into the impact zone. The snow cushions his fall just enough that he survives with major crippling injuries.

The engineer shot himself in the face.

A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer can't take it anymore and decide to commit suicide.

The biologist reviews some data and determines the impact velocity required to kill a human. He then calculates the appropriate drop height using basic conservation of energy, and finds a suitable building. The biologist jumps off, but the wind resistance slows him down just enough that he survives with major crippling injuries.

The physicist, hearing of this, develops a more complex model. He models himself as a uniform cone and uses a second order drag model to account for wind resistance. He obtains a numerical solution for the appropriate drop height, which is a little bit higher than what the biologist had anticipated. He finds a suitable building, and jumps off. On the way down, a strong gust blows him into a tree, and then he bounces to the ground. He survives with major crippling injuries.

The mathematician hears of this and is determined to do it right. He models himself as a non-uniform complex 3D body, and sets up a full-on coupled analysis using the Navier-Stokes equations. To determine the required impact velocity, he uses nonlinear FEA software to model skeletal impact. He then reviews 50 years of local wind statistics and surveys the surrounding area to determine any possible gusts and their respective probabilities. He analyzes an array of scenarios using a supercomputer running the best CFD software, and determines a 99% confidence interval for the required drop height. He picks the highest number and applies an additional 10% margin of safety. Finally, the mathematician finds a suitable building and jumps off. Higher than average ambient temperatures cause a nearby snow pile to collapse and slide right into the impact zone. The snow cushions his fall just enough that he survives with major crippling injuries.

The engineer shot himself in the face.

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.

Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.

"Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?"

The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand."

She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?"

Again he went through his tables.

"Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion."

Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.

And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.

Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.

"Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?"

The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand."

She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?"

Again he went through his tables.

"Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion."

Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.

And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.

Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.

"Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?"

The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand."

She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?"

Again he went through his tables.

"Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion."

Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.

And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.

Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.

"Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?"

The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand."

She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?"

Again he went through his tables.

"Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion."

Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.

And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

The President orders a single, clearly marked white rabbit to be released into the California redwood forests. Whichever service catches the rabbit wins the contest.

The CIA go first. They deploy surveillance drones, spy satellites and analysts to track down the target. The rabbit is small, however, hides well underneath bushes, and has an unremarkable heat signature, so the CIA fails to detect it. The analysts, reviewing the data, historical statistics on rabbits, and after spending millions on outside consultants, runs the numbers through a million-dollar super-computer, and determine that the rabbit never existed in the first place.

The Marine Corps surround the entire forest, soften up the great redwoods with artillery and air strikes, cutting firing and assault lanes throughout the forest, and Marine search-and-destroy teams push through, clearing the area after 3 hours, at considerable tax-payer expense, and document it in a press release showcasing how effective the Corps is at hunting down even the most elusive of targets. They never find the corpse of the rabbit, but most Marines hold the belief that if the rabbit still lives in that forest, he ain't happy.

The LAPD drive up-armored vehicles into the forest, deploying tear gas to flush out every living creature. An hour later, the LAPD returns with a badly beaten bear that is swearing up and down, "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

The CIA go first. They deploy surveillance drones, spy satellites and analysts to track down the target. The rabbit is small, however, hides well underneath bushes, and has an unremarkable heat signature, so the CIA fails to detect it. The analysts, reviewing the data, historical statistics on rabbits, and after spending millions on outside consultants, runs the numbers through a million-dollar super-computer, and determine that the rabbit never existed in the first place.

The Marine Corps surround the entire forest, soften up the great redwoods with artillery and air strikes, cutting firing and assault lanes throughout the forest, and Marine search-and-destroy teams push through, clearing the area after 3 hours, at considerable tax-payer expense, and document it in a press release showcasing how effective the Corps is at hunting down even the most elusive of targets. They never find the corpse of the rabbit, but most Marines hold the belief that if the rabbit still lives in that forest, he ain't happy.

The LAPD drive up-armored vehicles into the forest, deploying tear gas to flush out every living creature. An hour later, the LAPD returns with a badly beaten bear that is swearing up and down, "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Beginner

1. Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal?

Because he would have to convert.

2. Why do plants hate math?

It gives them square roots.

3. Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?

It was a mean thing to say!

4. Why was the math book depressed?

It had a lot of problems.

5. Why is the obtuse triangle always so frustrated?

Because it is never right.

6. Why can you never trust a math teacher holding graphing paper?

They must be plotting something.

7. Why was the equal sign so humble?

Because she knew she wasn’t greater than or less than anyone else.

8. What do you call the number 7 and the number 3 when they go out on a date?

The odd couple (but 7 is in her prime).

9. What do you call a number that can’t stay in one place?

A Roamin’ numeral.

10. Did you hear the one about the statistician?

Probably.

11. What do you call dudes who love math?

Algebros.

12. I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trig. I’ll even do statistics.

But graphing is where I draw the line!

13. Why should you never talk to Pi?

Because she’ll go on and on and on forever.

14. Why are parallel lines so tragic if they have so much in common?

It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

15. Are monsters good at math?

Not unless you Count Dracula.

16. What’s the best way to flirt with a math teacher?

Use acute angle.

17. Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?

They’d stop at nothing to avoid them.

18. How do you stay warm in any room?

Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.

19. Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven eight nine!

20. Why DID seven eat nine?

Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!

21. Why does nobody talk to circles?

Because there is no point.

22. Dear Algebra, stop trying to find your X.

They’re never coming back — don’t ask Y.

23. Teacher: Why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?

Student: You told me not to use tables.

24. After a sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.

“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

25. There are three kinds of people in the world:

Those who can count and those who can’t.

Intermediate

26. Why should you never mention the number 288?

Because it’s “two” gross.

27. What do you call a man who spent all summer at the beach?

A tangent. (A tan gent.)

28. What do baby parabolas drink?

Quadratic formula.

29. My girlfriend is the square root of –100.

She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.

30. What’s the best way to serve pi?

A la mode. Anything else is mean.

31. Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?

It was 3 feet deep, on average.

32. How do you get from point A to point B?

Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.

33. The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic.

But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.

34. Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?

A: To get to the same side.

35. An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.

Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc., extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.

Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, “Ah, a solution exists!” and then goes back to bed.

36. There are three people applying for the same job at a bank: a mathematician, a statistician, and an accountant.

The interviewing committee asks the mathematician one question: What is 500 plus 500? The mathematician answers “1,000” without hesitation, and they send him along. Next, they call in the statistician and ask the same question. He thinks for a moment and answers “1,000… I’m 95 percent confident.” When the accountant comes in, he is asked the same question: “What is 500 + 500?” He bows and replies, “What would you like it to be?”

They hire the accountant.

1. Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal?

Because he would have to convert.

2. Why do plants hate math?

It gives them square roots.

3. Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?

It was a mean thing to say!

4. Why was the math book depressed?

It had a lot of problems.

5. Why is the obtuse triangle always so frustrated?

Because it is never right.

6. Why can you never trust a math teacher holding graphing paper?

They must be plotting something.

7. Why was the equal sign so humble?

Because she knew she wasn’t greater than or less than anyone else.

8. What do you call the number 7 and the number 3 when they go out on a date?

The odd couple (but 7 is in her prime).

9. What do you call a number that can’t stay in one place?

A Roamin’ numeral.

10. Did you hear the one about the statistician?

Probably.

11. What do you call dudes who love math?

Algebros.

12. I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trig. I’ll even do statistics.

But graphing is where I draw the line!

13. Why should you never talk to Pi?

Because she’ll go on and on and on forever.

14. Why are parallel lines so tragic if they have so much in common?

It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

15. Are monsters good at math?

Not unless you Count Dracula.

16. What’s the best way to flirt with a math teacher?

Use acute angle.

17. Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?

They’d stop at nothing to avoid them.

18. How do you stay warm in any room?

Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.

19. Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven eight nine!

20. Why DID seven eat nine?

Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!

21. Why does nobody talk to circles?

Because there is no point.

22. Dear Algebra, stop trying to find your X.

They’re never coming back — don’t ask Y.

23. Teacher: Why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?

Student: You told me not to use tables.

24. After a sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.

“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

25. There are three kinds of people in the world:

Those who can count and those who can’t.

Intermediate

26. Why should you never mention the number 288?

Because it’s “two” gross.

27. What do you call a man who spent all summer at the beach?

A tangent. (A tan gent.)

28. What do baby parabolas drink?

Quadratic formula.

29. My girlfriend is the square root of –100.

She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.

30. What’s the best way to serve pi?

A la mode. Anything else is mean.

31. Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?

It was 3 feet deep, on average.

32. How do you get from point A to point B?

Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.

33. The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic.

But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.

34. Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?

A: To get to the same side.

35. An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.

Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc., extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.

Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, “Ah, a solution exists!” and then goes back to bed.

36. There are three people applying for the same job at a bank: a mathematician, a statistician, and an accountant.

The interviewing committee asks the mathematician one question: What is 500 plus 500? The mathematician answers “1,000” without hesitation, and they send him along. Next, they call in the statistician and ask the same question. He thinks for a moment and answers “1,000… I’m 95 percent confident.” When the accountant comes in, he is asked the same question: “What is 500 + 500?” He bows and replies, “What would you like it to be?”

They hire the accountant.

I teach statistics and none of my students think what they're doing is useful and I think I finally have a story to prove them wrong.

Once I was at a party and this girl comes up to me and says "Tom, walk me to my car. It's getting late and I don't want to be raped."

I didn't really want to walk her to her car so I used maths and statistics to get out of it. I said "You know, statistically, you're less likely to get raped if you walk to your car alone than if you walk to your car with me..."

- Tom Gannon

Once I was at a party and this girl comes up to me and says "Tom, walk me to my car. It's getting late and I don't want to be raped."

I didn't really want to walk her to her car so I used maths and statistics to get out of it. I said "You know, statistically, you're less likely to get raped if you walk to your car alone than if you walk to your car with me..."

- Tom Gannon

**George Carlin:** Do you realise, that right this second, right now somewhere around the world some guy is getting ready to kill himself. Isn't that great? Statistics show that every year a million people commit suicide. Thats 2800 a day. That's one every thirty seconds.

[Stares at watch]

**George Carlin:** There goes another guy! And I say guy because men are four times more likely than women to commit suicide, even though women attempt it more. So men are better at it. That's something else you gals oughta be working on. Well if you wanna be truly equal you're gonna have to start taking your lifes in greater numbers.

[Stares at watch]

**George Carlin:** There goes another guy! And I say guy because men are four times more likely than women to commit suicide, even though women attempt it more. So men are better at it. That's something else you gals oughta be working on. Well if you wanna be truly equal you're gonna have to start taking your lifes in greater numbers.

Phone statistics in third world countries:

Boy to Boy 00:00:59

Boy to Mom 00:00:50

Boy to Dad 00:00:30

Boy to Girl 01:23:59

Girl to Girl 05:29:59

Girl to Boy Missed call

Husband to Wife 00:00:03

Wife to Husband 14 Missed Calls

Boy to Boy 00:00:59

Boy to Mom 00:00:50

Boy to Dad 00:00:30

Boy to Girl 01:23:59

Girl to Girl 05:29:59

Girl to Boy Missed call

Husband to Wife 00:00:03

Wife to Husband 14 Missed Calls

He waves the waiter over and tells him he dropped his spoon and would like a new one.

The waiter pulls a fresh spoon out of his apron pocket and hands it to the man.

The man, impressed, says he's never seen such fast service. The waiter replies by saying that statistics show that the spoon is the most commonly dropped utensil, so in that restaurant all waiters are required to carry with them an extra spoon for just such an occasion.

The man continues with his meal and finally when he is about to pay his check he notices that same waiter walk by with a short string of yarn dangling from his pants zipper. He beckons him over once more and inquires about the yarn.

The waiter replies that statistics show that waiters can save 20% more time if they do not have to touch their members when using the restroom, so they keep a string attached to it, pull it out when they have to go, and save time by not needing to wash their hands.

"That's very interesting." Says the man. "But how do you get your member back inside your pants once you're done?"

"I don't know about the others, sir, but I use a spoon."

The waiter pulls a fresh spoon out of his apron pocket and hands it to the man.

The man, impressed, says he's never seen such fast service. The waiter replies by saying that statistics show that the spoon is the most commonly dropped utensil, so in that restaurant all waiters are required to carry with them an extra spoon for just such an occasion.

The man continues with his meal and finally when he is about to pay his check he notices that same waiter walk by with a short string of yarn dangling from his pants zipper. He beckons him over once more and inquires about the yarn.

The waiter replies that statistics show that waiters can save 20% more time if they do not have to touch their members when using the restroom, so they keep a string attached to it, pull it out when they have to go, and save time by not needing to wash their hands.

"That's very interesting." Says the man. "But how do you get your member back inside your pants once you're done?"

"I don't know about the others, sir, but I use a spoon."

...so I decided to help him out by making smoking seem terrible. I told him how smelly he was afterwards. I told him all the health statistics I'd read. I showed him pictures of diseased lungs. I think I finally got through to him when I soaked his cigarettes in gasoline. He was thrilled with me, I could tell. He didn't SAY so, but we're such good friends, I could just tell. His face just lit right up.

His wife and kids do everything to try and convince him that he’s not dead. They take him to a doctor and for months every day the doctor shows him charts, studies, graphs, and statistics showing that dead men do not bleed, and finally the man is completely certain that dead men do not bleed.

The doctor then takes a pin and lightly pricks his finger, and blood starts trickling out.

The man says “Well, whadaya know? Dead men do bleed!”

The doctor then takes a pin and lightly pricks his finger, and blood starts trickling out.

The man says “Well, whadaya know? Dead men do bleed!”

He decides that to break the ice at his party, he'll ask his guests what their I.Q. is. Hopefully this will strike up an appropriate conversation from there. The day of the party rolls around, and when the first guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person what her I.Q. is. "275" came the reply. "Well that's great," says Bob, let's talk about ethereal astro physics. Bob and the first guest talk until someone else knocks on the door. "Hi, my name is Bob, what's your I.Q?" The new guest replies with "145." "Great," says Bob, and his new guest and him talk about calculus and statistics for awhile. Much later, another knock is heard. "Hi, my name is Bob, what's your I.Q.?" Bob asks the newcomer. The new guest shuffles a little and quietly mentions "75..." "Well that's awesome," Bob remarks "what kind of iPhone do you use?"

Due to the way the production line was set up, sometimes empty boxes were shipped without the tube inside. People with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming off of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which cannot be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean quality assurance checks must be smartly distributed across the production line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket won’t get frustrated and purchase another product instead.

Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory gathered the top people in the company together. Since their own engineering department was already stretched too thin, they decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP (request for proposal), third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later a fantastic solution was delivered — on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. The problem was solved by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box off the line, then press another button to re-start the line.

A short time later, the CEO decided to have a look at the ROI (return on investment) of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. There were very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share. “That was some money well spent!” he said, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.

The number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. How could that be? It should have been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers indicated the statistics were indeed correct. The scales were NOT picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.

Perplexed, the CEO traveled down to the factory and walked up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed. A few feet before the scale, a $20 desk fan was blowing any empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. Puzzled, the CEO turned to one of the workers who stated, “Oh, that…One of the guys put it there ’cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang!"

Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory gathered the top people in the company together. Since their own engineering department was already stretched too thin, they decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP (request for proposal), third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later a fantastic solution was delivered — on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. The problem was solved by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box off the line, then press another button to re-start the line.

A short time later, the CEO decided to have a look at the ROI (return on investment) of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. There were very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share. “That was some money well spent!” he said, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.

The number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. How could that be? It should have been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers indicated the statistics were indeed correct. The scales were NOT picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.

Perplexed, the CEO traveled down to the factory and walked up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed. A few feet before the scale, a $20 desk fan was blowing any empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. Puzzled, the CEO turned to one of the workers who stated, “Oh, that…One of the guys put it there ’cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang!"

They show up to class half an hour late and use the excuse that the car they rode in got a flat tire. The Statistics professor allows them to take their test. The professor is skeptical, so he adds a question that they must all answer correctly at the end of their test for it to count.

"Which tire went flat?"

"Which tire went flat?"

...after only a few statistics classes, I realized I couldn't.

Every statistics professor I've had has told me to disregard trends in small samples, but I haven't taken that many classes so I can't be sure.

Every statistics professor I've had has told me to disregard trends in small samples, but I haven't taken that many classes so I can't be sure.

There are lots of different statistics regarding how successful marriages are, some say one third end in divorce, others say more than half end in divorce. The chilling statistic that is never really explored is regardless of the number ending in divorce, the others end in death!