Pharmacy Jokes

Contents

Funniest Pharmacy Jokes

A Linux sysadmin walks into a pharmacy A Linux sysadmin walks into a pharmacy.

"ephedrine?"

"I can't serve you that"

"sudoephedrine"

"There you go".

A lady walked Into a pharmacy and spoke with the pharmacist She asks the pharmacist if he has viagra. "I sure do" he responds. "Does it actually work?". "Of course it does." He responds. "Can you get it over the counter?" She asks.

"I can if I take two".

Funny Pharmacy Jokes

A Man Goes Into A Pharmacy And asks for birth control for his wife and seven year old daugher.
The pharmacist, shocked, exclaims "You're seven year old daughter is sexually active?!"
And the man just shrugs and says "Nah, she just lays there"

A kid walks into a pharmacy and asks the doctor if he has something to counter viagra. Doctor gets confused and asks:
-Son, every man asks for viagra, why are you asking for something to counter it?
Kid says:
-My grandpa died and we can't close the casket.

A shipment of Viagra was stolen from my local Pharmacy this morning. The cops are on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

Russian pharmacy Doctor: This medicine is from insomnia, this one is from nervous break-down, and also take this one from depression.

Patient: Thank you very much, doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides vodka?

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the Pharmacist, "Excuse me, do you have cotton balls?" The pharmacist replies, " Ma'am, if I did, my kids would be stuffed animals."

A woman goes to the pharmacy to buy Viagra... Woman: Can I buy Viagra here?
Pharmacist: Yes.
Woman: Could you give it to me over the counter?
Pharmacist: If you give me two of them, I can.

I work in a pharmacy and during inventory they found a bottle of 360 viagra missing. Someone is going to have a hard year.

People always say laughter is the best medicine... But when I ask for it at the pharmacy people always give me a weird look.

If marijuana starts getting sold in a grocery store... Would it be in the pharmacy or the baking aisle?

A pharmacy was broken into and the only thing stolen was a case of Viagra Police say to be on the lookout for hardened criminals

One evening, a dad joke came home late from the office. He and your mom joke got a little drunk after dinner and since the pharmacy was closed, well, lewd story short, that's how they ended up with a pun in the oven.

My doctor prescribed me a new medication. It’s called Fukitol. Unfortunately, the pharmacy had none left to give.

An old lady walks into a pharmacy \- I would like to buy a pack of acetylsalicylic acid.

\- Do you mean aspirin?

\- Oh yes! I couldn't remember the name!

A lady walked into a pharmacy She asked the pharmacist, "Do you have viagra?" "Yes," he answered. "Does it really work?" she asked. "Yes," he answered. "Can you get it over the counter?" she asked. "I can if I take two," he answered.

My pharmacy is having a liquidation sale. Laxatives are 50% off.

Police were chasing two robbers ...who ran into a pharmacy jumped on to a scale and got a weigh.

(Nerd joke warning) What do you call a pharmacy that *may* exist? An hypothecary

Why are there no pharmacy stores in Africa? Because you’re not supposed to take medicine on an empty stomach.

A duck walks into a pharmacy grabs a tube of lipstick, puts it on the counter and the cashier says "that'll be $3.50. The duck says "just put it on my bill"

A man goes into a pharmacy And asks,
Do you have pills for memory?
The pharmacist says,
Yes we do.
And the man goes:
You do what?

The other day a group of guys robbed all the anti-depressants from the pharmacy up the street from me and now my whole neighbourhood is terrified Hope they're happy

A man goes into the pharmacy to buy viagra Can i have a 50mg dose of viagra? The man asks, sure no problem, says the pharmacist, but i need to see your prescription first, to which the man replies, i can show you a picture of my wife

Between us A guy goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist “do you have cotton balls?”

Pharmacist replies “oh yeah sure - what do I look like a Teddy Bear?!”

My local IKEA store has opened up a pharmacy in it... I bought some suppositories from it but had to put them up myself.

So a duck walks into a pharmacy and says “Give me some chap-stick… and put it on my bill.

Man goes into a Pharmacy He asks the Pharmacist for some contraception for his daughter. The Pharmacist asks "Is she very sexually active?"

The man replies "Naaah she kinda lays there like her mother"

When the sales guy at the pharmacy told me that they had unfortunately run out of tea sweeteners I politely pointed to the homeopathic medicines aisle and said "No you have not."

A duck walks into a pharmacy A duck walks into a pharmacy and buys some chapstick. He says to the cashier

"put it on my bill".

What does a pharmacy sell to help you fix your fingernails? Pharma-cuticles.

A duck walks into a CVS pharmacy and buys chapstick He tells the clerk, “just put it on my bill”.

My friend was beaten up by a pharmacist yesterday one friend of mine was beaten by a pharmacist yesterday. he went to the pharmacy and was hurling expletives on medicines.









Pharmacist told him not to abuse drugs

Girl are you a BD due pen needle? because you ultra fine

This killed at the pharmacy I work in.

Duck waddles in to a pharmacy and asks for some lip balm. "Certainly sir, will that be cash or credit?." "Just put it on my bill."

Long Pharmacy Jokes

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got really big and he exclaimed:

"Lord Have Mercy I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law. I'll lose my license,they will throw us both in jail. All kinds of bad stuff will happen. Absolutely not. you CANNOT HAVE ANY CYANIDE."

The lady then pulls a picture out of her purse showing him her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist examines the picture for a couple minutes, sighs and hands it back saying:

"Well now thats different
---------
You didn't tell me you had a prescription"

In the Pharmacy

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, „I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen.Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

He's My Brother!

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?”

“Eight,” the boy replied.

The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”

The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."

"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.

"Yes," the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of that!"

A woman goes to the pharmacy and asks for cyanide.

The pharmacist looked stunned and couldn't believe what she had asked for but he was still curious.

"Why would you want to get cyanide?"

The women replied, "My husband has been having an affair and I want to poison him."

The pharmacist tried to reason with the woman, " I can't do this for you. I would lose my license and you and I would go to prison for this."

Then the woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband and a woman going into a motel. Upon closer inspection the woman in the picture was the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looks at the woman and says, "Why didn't you just say you had a prescription?"

A lady goes into a pharmacy and asks for cyanide...

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Mrs. Smith walks into a pharmacy and asks to buy poison

'Dear lady, why would you want to buy poison?' asks the pharmacist.

'To kill my husband!'

'I can't sell you poison so you can kill someone!'

As an answer to that, Mrs. Smith puts a picture on the counter where one can clearly see a man and a woman in bed. The man in question is Mrs. Smith's husband, while the woman is the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist picks up the picture and nods:

'Excuse my mistake, I didn't know you had a prescription.'

Some pallbearers are carrying a coffin at a funeral.

Suddenly they stumble and drop it. It slides down a hill, gains speed and shoots out of the cemetery toward the street. It goes down the road gaining more speed. It veers onto the highway. It goes several miles and gets off after three exits. It goes across town through three intersections and finally reaches a dead end with a pharmacy at the end. It blasts through the doors, skids down the aisle and slams to a stop at the pharmacy counter. The lid pops open and the corpse sits straight up. The pharmacist asks, "Can I help you with something?" The corpse says, "Yeah, you got anything to stop this coffin?"

Visiting your pharmacy for some cyanide . . .

A very nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

cigarettes and tampons (this is long)

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles,
the sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him,
he answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife,
she directs him down the correct aisle,
a few minutes later he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter,
she says confused "sir i thought you were looking for some tampons for you wife?"
he answers "you see it's like this, yesterday i sent my wife to the store to get me cigarettes,
she can back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers, because "it's soooooooo much cheaper." So i figure if i have to roll my own so does she

A man walks into a pharmacy

A man walks in to a pharmacy &, after several minutes, walks up to the woman behind the counter.
She asked, "How can I help you?"
The man replied, "I need to speak to a male pharmacist."
The woman responded with, "I'm sorry. My sister & I run this pharmacy. There are no males employed here. Sir, how can I help you? I am a pharmacist & I will be professional."
The man pondered over this & then said, "Well. OK. Every day, I have an erection that lasts for 3 hours. I don't take any pills. It's just a natural occurrence. What can you give me for it?"
The pharmacist thought about it for a moment, then said, "Let me call my sister. Wait right here." She came back a few minutes later & said, "Here's what we can offer you: 1/3 ownership of the store, a company truck, a king size waterbed, & $3000/month living expenses."

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist...

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.

Overheard this one from some old guys getting changed at my local gym.

"So I go to the pharmacy and ask the guy if they have any Viagara. The guy there says yes, so I ask if they work and he replies 'you bet'. So next I ask "can I get it over the counter" to which he replies 'if you take two' "

She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication,

got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if she needed some help.

She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure."

He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open. She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You, God, for sending me such a very nice man."

The man heard her little prayer and replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday. I was in prison for car theft."

The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional!"

Tennis Elbow (You might have heard it, but it's my personal favorite [worth the read])

Jerry walks into work after a three day weekend. He's complaining about his right arm hurting. He's new, and his health insurance hasn't kicked in yet, so he wants to avoid going to the doctor.

His coworker tells him not to worry.. "There's this new machine down at the pharmacy. You bring in a urine sample, pour it in, feed it ten bucks, a bunch of bells and whistles go off, and five minutes later you get a diagnosis and treatment instructions. Give it a shot."

Jerry was skeptical, of course, but what's ten bucks? He decides to give it a shot.

He goes to the pharmacy with his urine sample, pours it in, gives the machine ten bucks, bells and whistles go off, and then a report prints out.

"*You have tennis elbow*. Avoid strenuous activity, ice and elevate the elbow when possible, and drink plenty of fluids. You should be better within two to three weeks."

Jerry was amazed. The machine knew exactly what was wrong and how to fix it. It was too good to be true!

One day, Jerry decided he was going to trick the machine.

He went home and gathered into a single cup tap water, some of his dog's hair, urine from his daughter and wife, and to top it off, he ejaculated into the concoction.

Jerry took this cocktail down to the pharmacy, poured it into the machine, fed it ten bucks, bells and whistles went off, and then a report printed out.

It read:

"*Your tap water is too hard*. Use water softener.

*Your dog has worms*. Worm medication is available in aisle 12.

*Your daughter is on drugs*. Send her to rehab.

*Your wife is pregnant. It is not yours.*. Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerkin' off that tennis elbow's never gonna get better!":

A chemist walks into his pharmacy

A chemist walks into his pharmacy and sees a man standing in the corner with his hand on his stomach. He asks his assistant what happened. "the man came in with a cough but since we were out of cough syrup I gave him a laxative" his assistant says. "you can't treat a cough with a laxative" the chemist says. "sure you can, see how scared he is to cough"

Cigarettes and Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down
the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him If she can help
him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for
his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for
some tampons for your wife?" He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers because it's soooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she."

A man walks into a pharmacy

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he brings a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string and places them on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?”

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo-oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own...so does she.

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Over the counter

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the Pharmacist " I've heard a lot about that Viagra stuff does it really work" the pharmacist says "yea it works great" the guy asks "do you think I can get it over the counter" the pharmacist says "Well If you took enough I suppose you could". knee slap

A man takes his dog to a vet...

A man takes his dog to a vet because it has too much hair in its ears and is having trouble hearing. The vet suggests using nair hair removal cream to remove the large portion of hair from its ears.

So the man goes to a pharmacy and asks for some nair hair removal cream. Then at the counter, the pharmacist says, "ok if this is for your legs, don't wear any tight pants for a few days".

The man says, "its not for my legs".

The pharmacist then says, "ok if it's for your underarms, don't wear any tight shirts for a few days".

The man says, "its not for my underarms". The pharmacist then asks, "what is it for then?"

"It's for my schnauzer. "

Then don't ride your bike for a few days.