Plant Jokes

Contents

Funniest Plant Jokes

Funny Plant Jokes

What do you call a guy with a plant fetish? A Weed Whacker.

What did the oil refinery plant say to the offshore drilling platform? Send crudes.

My grandma was known all over town for her delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so that everyone could visit her and enjoy them. I fulfilled her wish. She’s dead and berried.

What kind of plant is the scariest? bamBOO

What do you call a plant that changed genders? A transplant

2 farmers sitting on a porch just passin the time, shootin the sh!t when a marijuana plant yells out of no where:

"You big dumb dark cow!"

One of the farmer turns to his friend and says

"look at the pot calling the cattle black"

I like to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me 'Where do you find the time?'
I say 'It's right there next to the sage'

What plant will kill you in 5 min or less if you just stand under it Water lily

Onions My friend told me that onions are the only edible plant that can make you cry.

I bludgeoned his head with a watermelon.

I walked into the nuclear plant operators office... I walked into the nuclear plant operators office and asked him what to do with the barrels of radioactive waste.

"Bury 'em" he snarled at me,

"No sir, it's actually uranium"

What grows when you plant a pumpkin spice latte and water it with vodka? A sorority.

How do you get a plant drunk? Give it root beer

What happens when a plant is sad? The other plants have to photosympathize with it

Biology Joke When a plant is sad, what do other plants do?

Photosympathize

How can you tell when a plant is scared? It soiled itself.

From what I've read, people were a lot more serious about invasive plant species 30 or 40 years ago. A lot of people were writing about stopping the spread of the Soviet onion.

What plant attacks people? An Ambush ;)

A plant fell on my head... I'm alright though, it was no big dill.

Why couldn't the plant escape the jail? Because his cell had walls.

What do you call a flower that is also a spy? A plant

The most heinous crime--against both Man and Nature--would be to plant dynamite inside cattle That, my friends, would be a-bomb-in-a-bull...

What position does a baby plant serve in the army? Infant tree

Q: What happened to the plant in math class? A: It grew square roots.

What do you call a flower on steroids? a power plant

Which plant is the spookiest? BamBOO!

I've gotten a Graphic Design job at a nuclear plant The pay is not great, but they told me I'd be getting some exposure.

What did the young plant say to the old plant? Ok bloomer.

The FDA just approved a new herbicide that only targets seedlings. It's called Plant B.

If a plant is sad, do other plants photosympathize with it? I chlorofeel you man

I don't trust companies that plant trees It's such a shady business.

I wrote a book about a papyrus plant It's a good reed

Did you hear about the guy who had his bamboo plant stolen? He was bamboozled

Why wasn’t Groot any good at working undercover? Everybody could tell he was a plant

Why should you never teach a plant math? Because it'll grow square roots

What happened to the plant outside the math class window? It grew square roots.

How does a plant say sorry? They aPOLLENgize!

I was looking through the living room window at the tree I'd just planted and I thought to myself "Why didn't I plant it out here in the garden?"

What's the same about r/jokes and a recycling plant Recycling plants usually aren't funny.

What do you call an upper class plant A bourgeoitree

New Plant Jokes

"I know how to plant a type of seed!" "Sow what?"

I think my plant is sick. It's looking a little bit green

In the wake of Australia’s forest fires, I decided to man-up and plant a fruit tree. It was time for me to grow a pear.

Kraft is planning on building a manufacturing plant in the Middle East. They will call it "Cheeses of Nazareth".

New costumers I was giving new potential customers a tour around the plant today. One of them asked me how many people worked here.

I said: “about half”.

A plant asked an Animal: Hey, what do you think of the new kingdom? The Animal said: I don't know but he seems like a really fungi.

The Police put crime tape around the York Peppermint Patty plant Now it's factory sealed and in mint condition

If the plant is sad... Will other plants photosympathize with it?

Where do Oregonians plant marijuana seeds? In a pot.

How does a bilingual hotel tell a tall, wooden, leafy plant to vamoose? Tree, va, go!

My interview at the recycling plant lasted 10 seconds Interviewer - What were you doing before ?

Me - Posting on r/Jokes

Interviewer - Hired

My supervisor at the nuclear plant is really lazy. I just found out one of the reactors was malfunctioning and asked him what we were going to do about it.

His answer was "Well that sounds like a U problem".

what do you call a plant that eats your dust a succulent

A weird plant knocked on my door, preaching at me to ditch my current moisturiser. I slammed the door in its face. Damn jojoba’s witnesses.

An enormous perennial plant just swore at me because I said its existence was unnecessary. There's no need for that sort of biggertree.

Scientists have discovered a plant so deadly that even standing under it will soon kill you It's known as the water lily.

I learned that Chernobyl Nuclear Plant has a 4.1 star rating on Google. Apparently it would be more, but people ran out of fingers.

The police nearby are trying to frame me for growing marijuana in my backyard. I'm getting worried they're going to plant some evidence.

Grow your own dope Plant a politician.

What do you call the power plant of a cell that always thinks it's sick? A mitochondriac

What does a nuclear power plant and your mom have in common? I wouldn't enter either one without protection.

What did one succulent British plant say to the other? 'Aloe! Vera nice to meet you!

Why do scuba divers dive backwards of boats? Because if they dove forward they would face plant on the boat.

How do you terrify a necrophiliac? Plant him on a zombie.

My Standup Routine Alright, here it goes.

First, I plant my feet firmly on the ground...

What did the plant say to the banished viking? Leaf this place.

So, I'm a mushroom and I decided to ask a plant out. She says she doesn't date fungi.


I guess I should be more edgy.

What does a plant cell typically consist of? Three concrete walls with no windows and some sturdy iron bars.

My uneducated neigbor was planning to grow a flowerbed in his backyard But then he realised he can't plant flowers as he hadn't botany

I was eating at a restaurant and decided to try a dish I'd never had before. I was quite shocked when I found out that the meal was just a small plant with thick, fleshy leaves. But don't worry... ...it was succulent.

What does a plant say to every one it hates? Vac-uole

What part of a plant has the most friends? The Bud

What kind of plant hurts? A face plant

Which plant is extremely deadly if you stand beneath it for five minutes? The water lily

I have a plant in my garden that will kill you if you sit under it for just ten minutes It's called a water lily.

What does a plant say when picking up the phone? “Aloe?”

What do a new house plant and a new relationship have in common? No matter how good my intentions, eventually I'm going to kill it.

What did the plant say in the middle of the night? "Man, I would kill for a light snack."

Where does a tree go to get an abortion? Plant Parenthood

My wife got really angry at me for trying to plant flowers on her head. But I'm sure they'll grow on her.

Long Plant Jokes

The CIA,The FBI and the KGB

The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits don’t exist.

The FBI goes in next. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest to the ground, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. That rabbit had it coming.

The KGB goes in last. They come out a few hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

There was an old man who lived by a forest.

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do," the man continued, "is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son.

Dear Son,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.

Love,

Dad

Shortly, the old man received this telegram:

‘For Heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up the plot. That’s where I buried the GUNS!!’

At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what had happened, and asked him what to do next.

His son’s reply: ‘Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It’s the best I could do for you, from here.’

The CIA, GIGN and KGB......

are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

The GIGN goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.

The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

(My favorite joke)Who is best at apprehending criminals?

The CIA, the FBI, and the Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later dragging a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming, "Okay, okay! I'm a RABBIT!! I'm a RABBIT!!"

A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his business from going under.

The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. That was fast, what's your cost saving plan?"

Barry says "make it $1000".

An old Italian gentleman wanted to plant his annual tomato garden. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son:

"Dear Vincent, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa."

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

"Dear Papa, Don't dig up that garden! That's where the bodies are buried. Love Vinnie"

At 4 am next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from this son.

"Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie"

The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals

The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and before you could snap your fingers it exploded into flames and the alarm went out to the volunteer fire departments from miles around.

When the volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out intact."

The fire chief ordered his men to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two hours of fighting the fire another fire department was called in and the president of the chemical company offered $100,000 to the firefighters who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a long siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little fire engine raced passed everyone and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off their rig and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Well," said the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we are going to do is fix the brakes on the truck."

An old farmer wrote a letter to his innocent son in prison:

"This year I'm unable to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground. I know if you were here you would've helped me."

His son replied: "You idiot, don't dig the ground, I have hidden guns there."
Pretty soon, the Police read the letter, and the very next day the ground was dug by the police, and searched for guns but nothing was found.
The son wrote again: "Now plant your potatoes dad, its the best I could do from here."

The NYPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The NYPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'

An Old Jamaican man lived alone in the country...

He wanted to dig his Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me....Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad, Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the Yams and Potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy asked, "we can't settle here, oxygen must be very rare."

"We are not here to settle, kid" the Chief said "we are here to export. It's the biggest stroke of luck the Gaia Company has had since we found that big diamond inside Jupiter. We'll all be very rich after this, you can count on that."

They travelled in silence after that until they reached the settlement gates. The new guy couldn't believe his eyes.

"The buildings are made of gold!", he said.

"Not just gold , it's alloyed with one part platinum and one part radium, to glow at night."

When they entered the settlement the guy was even more surprised.

"A nuclear reactor at every home?"

"Yep, Uranium's as common as dirt here. You just have to dig two inches and there it is. Also very radioactive, that's why we had the ground covered with gold to keep the radiation contained. Now we just supply the uranium through pipes."

The guy saw some people carrying large bags down to their houses.

"Who are those guys?" he asked.

"Scientists. The old buggers are very happy nowadays. All the elements that had to be artificially manufactured on Earth are naturally occuring here. They have been conducting experiments since the day we came here. Some of them haven't been seen for six months."

They travelled like this for an hour until they finally reached the Department of Communication.

"This is where you are assigned kid" the Chief said "Radio wave communication doesn't work very well here, all the radioactivity in the atmosphere interferes with the signal. So we are going old school, telegraphs. Your job is to manage the lines and look after the posts. You will be the Department Head. There are 20 guys working under you. Come on, let's meet some of them."

They walked a little while until they came to a forest. The guy couldn't keep his jaw shut. The trees were made of metals. Some of them were glowing radioactively. Some were burning just by exposure to some oxygen. Some were made of gold, some of platinum, some of silver.

"I don't believe this."

"Well, it's right in front of your eyes. We brought some trees from Earth to plant here for the oxygen. But things changed. The guys from NASA tell me that because of the lack of common elements found on Earth, the trees had to make use of what they could get. So here we have trees of every precious metal - gold, silver, platinum - you name it. We cut them off and send them to Earth. Pretty soon they're going to become common as iron but till then make hay while the sun shines, right? We don't use them for making the posts as they are actually quite soft and the people try to steal them. Here we also have trees of Seaborgium (chemical symbol Sg, atomic number 106), Flerovium (chemical symbol Fl, atomic number 114) and Oganesson (chemical symbol Og, atomic number 118). All very rare and very important, the guys at NASA are paying us very big money to supply them. They say it's the biggest find in Chemistry since Lavoisier discovered Hydrogen."

The Chief was talking while they walked. He stopped near a plantation of trees and pointed to them. The new guy looked at a bunch of trees, silvery-gray in colour, shining smoothly in the moonlight.

"Now those are the trees you are interested in", the Chief said. "Made of pure Rhenium (chemical symbol Re, atomic number 75). The fourth or fifth rarest element on Earth. Very strong, third highest melting point, highest boiling point, denser than lead, not affected by strong alkalies, sulphuric acid, hydrochloric acid or even aqua regia. It's the perfect metal for this job. Strong, sturdy and not radioactive. That's what we have been using for the posts all this time."

"You don't mean to say..." the new guy began to say.

"Yes," the Chief cut him off, "this place is full of Re posts."

The KGB, the FBI and the Cia are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.

The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

An old Arab lived close to New York City...

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father." The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed" At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house. A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."

An old man wanted to plant his annual tomato garden. His only son, Jack, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son:

"Dear Jack, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Dad"

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

"Dear Dad, Don't dig up that garden! That's where the bodies are buried. Love Jack"

At 4 am next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from this son.

"Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Jack"

There was an old man who lived by a forest.

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.”

“What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”

So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

A man is charged with a felony...

The man and his family are too poor to post bail. The man gets a letter from his father that reads:

"It is so unfortunate that you are in jail right now, every year at this time we used to turn the soil before winter so that we could plant and grow tomatoes next year. I don't think I'll be able to do it by myself but I will try my best.

Much love,

Father"

The man reads the message and immediately writes a response from jail:

"DON'T TURN THE SOIL IN OUR TOMATO PATCH!!!! It's where I buried the evidence!!!"

Two hours later a team of government investigators show up at the father's house stating that based on evidence scanned through the man's letter, there are reasonable ground to search the tomato patch for evidence. The investigators dig up the entire patch... But find nothing. They apologize to the father and leave. The man sees the investigation come back and writes to his father:

"Looks like we'll be having tomatoes next year after all!"

Cops

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.


The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.


The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.


The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten black bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

An old Italian man lived alone in the country...

It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

"Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad"

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

"Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love Vinnie"

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

"Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie"