Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's" I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
An infinite number of people walk into a bar...
The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...
The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your sister It tastes the same but it's just not right.
Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer. Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.
My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant... ...I can’t pull anything out in time!
A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt.
The bartender asks: “What can I get you?”
The construction worker says “One beer for me, and one for the road.”
Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like going down on your sister... it tastes the same, but it's just not right.
If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye?
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"
So the CEO of EA walks into a bar..
"I'll have a beer" he says, exasperated from the recent PR firestorm.
"That'll be $1" answers the barman.
"Woah" replies the CEO, "That's great value!"
"Sure is." the barman replies. "Would you like a glass with that?"
A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks whata ya have there big fella? The bear says " Give me a .........................................................beer." The bartender says" What's with the big pause?" The bear throws his arms up in the air and says " I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM."
I just poured my root beer into a square cup. Now all I have is beer...
I put root beer into a square cup. All I have now is beer.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mom's" I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
Three logicians walk into a bar..
The bartender asks, "would all three of you like some beer?"
The first one replies,"I don't know"
The second one replies, "I don't know either"
The third replies, "Yes all three of us would like a beer"
I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me... I didn't know whether it was her or the beer talking...
I saw a lady texting and driving today I was furious. I rolled down my window, and threw my beer at her.
I asked my buddy if he always puts an orange wedge in his beer. He said, "Ehh not really. Maybe once in a Blue Moon."
What do a pregnant woman, a burnt pizza and frozen beer have in common? A man who didn't take it out in time.
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are a dollar fifty. Deer nuts are always under a buck...
I'll see myself out now.
What does a burnt pizza, a frozen beer and a pregnant girlfriend have in common? One dumbass who never pulls out in time
A dog walks into a bar The dog says, "Gimme a beer." The bartender says, "Wow! You can talk! You should get a job at the circus!" The dog says, "They're hiring electricians at the circus?"
I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it’s just beer.
A man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road."
If your urine looks like beer, you are likely dehydrated. But if it looks like bud light, you're good.
I put root beer in a square glass Now I just have beer
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says,"Sorry, we don't serve food here."
So i poured my root beer in a square cup and now its just beer
Whats the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts Beer nuts are $1.50 a lb. And deer nuts are under a buck.
Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle. Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.
How do you make a human corpse float? Two scoops ice cream, one scoop human corpse, and half a liter of root beer.
C and a C++ walked into a bar... The C spilled his beer all over the C++'s shirt. Outraged, C++ shouted, "Good god, man! Have you no class?"
A husband and wife are sitting in a bar.
They see a man downing beer across the room.
The wife says: "He proposed to me ten years ago, and I said no."
The husband responds: "And he's still celebrating!"
Do you ever put an orange in your beer? Once in a Blue Moon
How many Mormons do you take fishing with you?
If you only take one, he'll drink all your beer.
How does an alcoholic decide how much beer to drink? On a case-by-case basis.
So I was driving home from work tonight, I saw a woman texting whilst driving. It infuriated me so much I threw my beer bottle at her car.
What does an alcoholic do when he is out of beer? Wine
A guy is having a drink with his wife.....
A man is sitting at home on the veranda having drinks with his wife and he says, “I love you.”
She asks, “Is that you or the beer talking?”
He replies, “It’s me….. talking to the beer.”
What does an alcoholic do when he's out of beer? Wine
Comic Sans walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Get out, we don't serve your type!"
I can make light only using beer, vodka and wine. Don't believe me? I'll show you: BAM! Booze LED!
Roman soldier walks into a bar and holds up two fingers And says "5 pints of beer please"
I got the waiter arrested I bought root beer but it was served in a square cup I quickly called the police
I got home and found my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"
I open the fridge, the light comes on, the beer is cold... like I keep saying that woman is delusional.
Traffic cop: Is this car licensed? Driver: Yes! Cop: I'll have a beer then!
What do you get when you pour root beer into a square cup? Beer
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender what time the most beautiful women show up at... The bartender tells him "It's all in the eye of the beer holder"
I got home and found my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's" I've opened the fridge, the light comes on, the beer is cold... I'm not sure what she's going on about
Found this bar on the moon Great beer, no atmosphere.
What do the colors in the German flag stand for?
A black man goes to a tavern with a parrot on his shoulder and asks for a beer, the cashier asks him where he got him The parrot said Africa
A Marine and a SEAL walk into a bar...
The Marine gets a beer
The SEAL gets a book deal
Chuck Norris once had beer with a bunch of aliens in a nondescript location. Today we call it Area 51
How do you keep a Mormon from drinking all of your beer? Invite another Mormon over
How do you get a plant drunk? Give it root beer
My Dad learnt this new magic trick He showed me that he can turn a 6 pack of beer into domestic violence
When I was a kid, my parents used to give me 10c and I would have to go down to the shop. I would get a pack of Potato’s, a bunch of bananas, 5 loafs of bread and a bottle of beer. But of course, you can’t do that anymore as most stores have security cameras.
In America moosehead is a beer, In Canada moosehead is a misdemeanor.
If you take a Baptist fishing, they will drink all your beer. But, if you take two Baptists fishing you will have all the beer to yourself.
I was having a bad day and then I played a country song in reverse... My tire on my truck got fixed, my wife apologized for cheating and came back, I didn’t run out of beer and got back on to an asphalt road!
My dads has been on the longest beer run in history I haven't seen him in 12 years
What's better, a v-day dinner with a vegan faminist, or with beer and Netflix? I don't know any vegan faminists and beet and Netflix is my constant state of being
I went to a party with the intent on taking a girl home and sleeping with her. My beer goggles were on so I didn’t realize until the next morning her teeth had cracks all over.. I slept with the creature from the crack lagoon
What does flat beer and JKF have in common? No head.
A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and starts reading the news on his Iphone. "Wow, 'Twister kills 15 in Oklahoma!" the guy says. "They take that game very seriously there," the bartender replies.
What kind of beer do Fox News analysts drink? Roger Ales.
Here's your first legal beer, son. When I was your age, I was twenty-one.
A battery, a mule, and a fish walk into a bar.
The mule orders a beer. "I'm off the wagon," he explains.
The battery orders a juice. "AA all the way," it says.
"And for you, sir?" The bartender asks the fish. "Water," it croaks, and collapses.
Germany decides that if they win the cup they would give out free beer for a year. Japan decides that if they win they would give out free sushi for a year. Let’s go Colombiaaaaaa!!!
Give a man a beer, he'll hang for a while... ...Give a man a rope and he'll hang for the rest of his life.
I've had it with people texting and driving. if i see one more person on their phone while driving im going to roll my window down and throw my beer at them.
How many Mormons do you take fishing with you? Two, because if you take just one he will drink all the beer.
Never take just one Baptist fishing with you If you only bring one then he’ll drink all your beer
What did one craft beer say to the other after their boxing match? How's your mouthfeel?
3 elderly men are sitting next to each other on a park bench
The first says, “It’s windy today.”
The second says, “No it’s Thursday.”
The third says, “I’m thirsty, too. Lets get a beer.”
If Homer Simpson goes to see the Scottish Play, what beer does he drink at the Globe? MacDuff.
Stars Wars is not aging well. After 40 years, Obi-Wan Kenobi cannot be more wrong.
Obi-Wan: "You will **never** find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy"
2017: "Hold my beer"
All your advice wont help your friend puking on your bathroom floor because... it's just in one beer and out the other.
Joke from my then 5 year old ! She's silly.
"Have you ever pretend your sock was a beer?"
Do you put your sock in the beer?
" Ya you put your foot in the beer then you have sake! "
Why did the kangaroo not like his beer? It wasn't hoppy enough
Why did the fungi bring beer and bread to the party? It was the yeast he could do.
My dog becomes even more adorable after five pints of beer. He starts stumbling everywhere and rolling around.
A skeleton goes into a bar... And orders a beer and a mop
Did you hear that United Airlines has stopped serving beer? But they still offer a nice strong punch.
How do you make a dead cat float? Use one can of root beer and two scoops of dead cat.
How I respond when people make fun of me for liking Guiness I like my beer like I like my women. Black and heavy.
United Kingdom: Brexit is the stupid most self destructive act a country could take. USA : lol, hold my beer
What does a dead hooker and a flat beer have in common... No head.
Sitting next to my wife today, I said "I love you",
She replied "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I answered "It's me... Talking to the beer"
A skeleton goes into a bar, orders a beer and a mop.
New Julia Roberts Movie [OC] Just in time for St. Patrick's Day, Julia Roberts is releasing a new movie. It's about a legal secretary who exposes the toxic levels of green beer. It's called Erin go Bragh-kovich.
Which beer did the flower drink that made it realize that it was smarter when it was young? Budweiser
Why should you always invite more than one Baptist on a fishing trip? Because if you only invite one, he'll drink all your beer.
I'm opening up a pirate-themed restaurant.
It'll serve breakfast food and beer, and it will be run by the guy who plays Scotty in the new Star Trek movies.
It's called Simon Pegg's Eggs, Kegs & Peg Legs.
We like our beer as we like our violence
What do a pregnant woman, a burned pizza and a frozen beer have in common? In all three cases somebody took it out TOO LATE
A man on holiday in Ireland goes into a pub...
And it is awful;
the barman barely acknowledges him,
the beer is warm,
the food is cold,
nobody wants to talk to him
and there's not even any music going on.
Turned out it was one of those English theme pubs
Why do you have to take more than one Baptist with you when you go fishing? Because if you just take one, he'll drink all your beer.
A Frenchman, a German, and A Jew are stranded in the dessert...
the frenchman says: I'm tired, I'm thirsty I must have wine
the german says: I'm tired, I'm thirsty I must have beer
the jew says: I'm tired, I'm thirsty I must have diabetes