Beer Jokes

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Funniest Beer Jokes

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's" I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

Funny Beer Jokes

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your sister It tastes the same but it's just not right.

My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant... ...I can’t pull anything out in time!

A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt. The bartender asks: “What can I get you?”
The construction worker says “One beer for me, and one for the road.”

Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like going down on your sister... it tastes the same, but it's just not right.

Someone threw a beer at President Trump during last nights National Championship Game. It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.

I just poured my root beer into a square cup. Now all I have is beer...

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck.

Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!

I put root beer into a square cup. All I have now is beer.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mom's" I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me... I didn't know whether it was her or the beer talking...

I saw a lady texting and driving today I was furious. I rolled down my window, and threw my beer at her.

What do a pregnant woman, a burnt pizza and frozen beer have in common? A man who didn't take it out in time.

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a dollar fifty. Deer nuts are always under a buck...

I'll see myself out now.

What does a burnt pizza, a frozen beer and a pregnant girlfriend have in common? One dumbass who never pulls out in time

I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it’s just beer.

A man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road."

I put root beer in a square glass Now I just have beer

So i poured my root beer in a square cup and now its just beer

Whats the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts Beer nuts are $1.50 a lb. And deer nuts are under a buck.

Two rednecks are having a beer together... One redneck asks the other, "If I slept with your wife and we had a child together, would that make us kin?" The other redneck responds, "I ain't sure, but it would at least make us even."

How do you stop a Mormon from drinking all the beer at your party? Invite a second Mormon.

I saw a girl texting while driving the other day.. it really pissed me off, so I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.

Someone threw a beer at Trump at Indianapolis NRA convention. He's fine. It was a draft so he dodged it perfectly.

i poured root beer in a square glass... now i just have beer.

My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant. I can't take anything out in time.

I was having a beer with the wife last night, when I suddenly blurted out, "I love you more than anything on earth!" She said, "I bet that's the beer talking, isn't it?"

I said, "No, it's me talking to the beer!"

My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen, and my girlfriend is pregnant. It seems I can't take anything out on time.

If you pour Root Beer into a square glass... Does it become, just, beer?

(Credit to my little sister)

I poured my root beer into a square cup Now I've just got beer.

What does a burnt pizza, a pregnant woman and a frozen beer all have in common? You left it in too long.

If I had a drop of beer for every time I made a bird pun.. I'd have toucans.

I poured my root beer into a square cup Now I just have beer

C and a C++ walked into a bar... The C spilled his beer all over the C++'s shirt. Outraged, C++ shouted, "Good god, man! Have you no class?"

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and asks for a beer The bartender nods,
"and how about one for the road?"

What does alcohol free beer taste like? Like going down on your sister. It tastes the same but something's not right.

I was so drunk last night the cops pulled somebody over on T.V and I put my beer under the couch.

On my way home from work saw a man texting while driving.. Knowing how dangerous this can be I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window and threw my beer at him.

The lady who had crashed her SUV complained to the Police that the man she collided with was on his mobile and drinking beer from a bottle at the time. The Police said that the gentleman was entitled to do what ever he wanted in his own garden!

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New Beer Jokes

Someone threw a beer at Donald Trump during the Indianapolis NRA convention. He's fine. It was a draft so he dodged it easily.

I poured my root beer into a square glass ..it became beer.

Do you guys ever get your fingers stuck in beer bottles? It happened to me once in a blue moon.

What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.79

Deer nuts are just under a buck

A sandwich walks into a bar and asks the waiter for a beer The waiter says: "We don't serve food here."

My friend's dad is a magician He can turn 10 bottles of beer into domestic violence

If you think that Corona beer causes Coronavirus then... You probably think that the leader of the World Health Organization is Dr Who.

Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.

An empty beer bottle walks into a bar and asks to be filled with their finest ale. The bartender says, "sorry I can't serve you, I can see you're already drunk".

My day has been terrible. Friend: What's wrong?
Me: My beer is frozen, my pizza is burnt, and my girlfriend is pregnant.

Friend: You can't pull anything out on time, can you?

I just put my root beer in a square cup. Now it is just a beer

What do necrophiliacs and beer lovers have in common? They both enjoy cracking open a cold one.

This morning I saw someone smoking weed in church Nearly spat out my beer

I don't always put an orange wedge in my beer Except maybe once in a Blue Moon

Infinite mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one asks for half a beer, the next asks for a fourth of a beer, and the next asks for an eighth, and so on, eventually the bartender pours a single beer and says “Know your limits!”

How do you get a plant drunk? Give it root beer

Someone threw a beer at Trump during the Indianapolis NRA convention Hes fine. It was a draft so he easily dodged it

A beer brand made my friend a lot smarter In other words, it made my bud wiser

And he orders a beer A time traveler walks into a bar

I just asked Siri for a wake up call... She sent a photo of me, surrounded by empty pizza boxes and beer cans.

What is cheaper? Deer nuts or beer nuts? Deer nuts, because they are always under a buck.

A skeleton walks into a bar... Bartender: What’ll be?
Skeleton: Give me a beer and a mop.

What did a burnt pizza, pregnant girl and frozen beer can have in common? Nobody pulled out it time.

Did you hear about the redneck magician? He turns a 12 pack of beer into domestic violence.

What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.59 and deer nuts are under a buck

Non alcoholic beer is kinda like eating out your sister It tastes the same, but it feels wrong

My roommates a thief. I left a 6 pack of beer in my fridge last night and this morning there's only a couple left. It's a 4 gone conclusion.

After installing a personal budget control app, I saw how much money I spend on beer every month. This opened my eyes. Clearly, I shouldn't do this anymore. I deleted the app.

My wife left me a note on the fridge saying “this isn’t working” I opened it up and the light turned on and the beer was cold. No idea what she’s talking about.

My wife left me because I kept making beer puns. Alcohol her later.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders 1/4 of a beer. The fifth orders 1/8 of a beer (...) The bartender says, "You're all idiots," and pours two beers.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under one arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road,”

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under 1 arm. He says "I'll have a beer please, and one for the road!"

A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt. The bartender asks, “What can I get for ya?”

The man says, “A beer for me, and another for the road.”

How do you keep a Baptist from drinking all your beer on a fishing trip? Invite two of them.

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.59/pound, while deer nuts are under a buck.

A father goes to pick his daughter up from school There is another mother waiting there
She asks, "Are you expecting a child?"

The father replies with, "No, this is just from beer "

You know beer actually makes you smarter? It made budweiser

Two beers sitting in a bar. Full beer turns to the empty one and says, "come on, let's go home. You drivin'?"

"na" the empty one replies, "Im drunk"

Why do Americans serve their beer cold? So you can tell it from piss.

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Long Beer Jokes

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"

"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."

"But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"

"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender

"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"

"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"

"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches

Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.

The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"

The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"

The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.

A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"

"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The three CEOS then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?

He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer than neither will I."

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

After having the beer, he asks the bartender for the bill.

"$3", says the bartender.

The man just for fun goes on and places a $1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a bad look but has no other option but to pick them up.

This happened for 3-4 days and everyday the bartender felt humiliated.

The next day, he orders a beer but couldn't find three $1 coins to pay the bill. So, he hands the bartender a $5 note. Now, the bartender gets all excited and thinks that it is his day to avenge the hard time he had because of this man. He then places the two $1 coins at the opposite ends of the table.

Now, with a shrewd smile and with all the excitement he goes to the man and says, "Go on, collect your change".

The man then takes out a $1 coin from his pocket and puts it in front of the bartender and says, "One more beer please."

A traveler enters a pub.

The barkeep says, "Welcome! What are you drinking?" The traveler, weary from her long journey, responds simply, "Your finest ale, please." The barkeep tells her, "Brilliant." As he pours her a pint of his finest ale, he makes her an offer.



"Since you are a first time customer, I will offer you a gift I offer all of my first time customers." The traveler blushed and nodded at the bartender, who was easy on her eyes.



"You may choose either this first pint of ale is free or instead you may pay for the beer and I will give you a piece of valuable advice." The traveler pondered this for a moment, knowing her coin purse is light.



"Though my purse is light, barkeep, I am intrigued by your offer. I will pay for my ale, now pleade share your valuable advice." The barkeep grinned, counting the coins she had given him, looked her in the eye and said, "You should've taken the free pint."

Redneck vasectomy

After the birth of their 9th child, a redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. "Me'n my cousin don't want no more kids"

The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. "There is a cheaper option," said the vet. "Go home, find yourself a cherry bomb, light it up and put it in a Coors Lite can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

“I ain't no rocket surgeon," said the redneck, "but how's that gonna help me?"

“Trust me” said the vet.

So the redneck went home, drained a beer then stuffed a lit cherry bomb in the empty can. He brought it up to his ear and began to count:

“1… 2… 3… 4… 5…”

Once he got to five, he stopped for a second, put the can between his legs, and resumed the count on his other hand.

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."

A Guy walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly. Sorry about that.” says the barman, as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just, we don't get many a ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road” explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck, and wants to learn more. But takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. The duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays up, bids the barman a good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous!” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

“Swell. I’m always looking for the next job.” says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus.” says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right.” replies the barman.

"The circus??” the duck asks again "...with, the big tent?”

"Yeah.” the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" asks the duck.

"Of course.” the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right.” says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says… "What the f\*\*k would they want with a plasterer?!?!”

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "How much for a beer?"

The bartender replies "Free".

The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"

The Bartender replies "Free".

The guy, still amazed, then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal, then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place".

The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife".

The guy looks all confused, then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?"

The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

EDIT: Whoa, that took off. Thanks for the upvotes everyone. I'm glad you all enjoyed the joke so much.

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and he is completely parched. He sits at the bar, pats his pockets and realises he's left his wallet at home. He calls to the bartender,

"Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer in return?"

The bartender is a worldly individual. "Listen mate, look around at the stuff on the walls, I've seen all kinds of things, been all kinds of places. I mean, you can give it a shot but I honestly doubt you can show me something that impressive."

So the man reaches into his left jacket pocket and pulls out a small hamster. He places the hamster on the bar and the bartender looks bemused. The man reaches into his other jacket pocket and pulls out a tiny piano, followed by a tiny stool, just the right size for the hamster, who sits down, cracks his knuckles and starts playing a famous piece of music by Rachmaninoff.

The bartender is speechless.

"Tell you what mate... I've seen some things in my time but that is absolutely incredible! Here's your free beer."

The visitor gulps down his drink until the last drop is gone. But he can't help but feel another drink would really hit the spot. He motions to the bartender again.

"Look, I could really use another drink - how about I show you something even more incredible?"

The bartender stares in disbelief. "After that performance, I think you'll struggle to beat it! But go on, try your luck then."

The man reaches into his left jacket pocket again and retrieves a small frog, who is wearing a waist coat. He places the frog on the stool beside the hamster. The hamster counts to four, the frog clears his throat, and over the piano the frog sings a classic opera, bringing several people in the bar to tears.

"Oh my word," says the bartender. "That is absolutely unbelievable. Here's your pint, mate. You've earned it."

In the corner of the room, a shady looking individual has been watching with keen interest from behind his dark sunglasses. He approaches the owner of the performing animals and gets straight to business.

"I'll give you £50,000 right now, in cash, if you'll let me take that frog off your hands this instant."

"Well, sure, why not?" says the man, as he duly hands the frog over to the shady character, who promptly slides back a silver briefcase filled with bank notes before making his exit with the frog.

"Are you MAD!?" the bartender says to the man. "You could have made millions with that frog!"

"Nah," says the man.

"The hamster's a ventriloquist."

John wins best toast of the night

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer.


The second orders half a beer.


"I don't serve half-beers," the bartender replies.


"Excuse me?" asks mathematician #2.


The bartender remarks, "What kind of bar serves half-beers? That's ridiculous."


"Oh c'mon!" says mathematician #1, "Do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along."


"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."


"But that's not a problem," mathematician #3 chimes in, "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"


"I know how limits work," interjects the bartender.


"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"


"Are you kidding me?" the bartender replies, "You learn limits in, like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"


Mathematician #1 screeches, "HE'S ON TO US!"


Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.


The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS!" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA!!!"


The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait," he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, progressives will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"


The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment.


"My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they suddenly vanish.


A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"


"It's simple really," the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

A hippie sits down at a bar...

So a hippie sits down at a bar and tries to order a beer on a tab, but the bartender wants money up front which the hippie doesn't have. So the guy next to him offers to buy him a beer. They start talking and drinking and drinking and talking. After a while the guy says to the hippie, "come with me to the bathroom and I'll give you a blow job".

Suddenly the hippie jumps off his stool, pushes the guy down, and starts kicking the guy repeatedly.

A couple of patrons pull the hippie back. They ask him what the guy said to piss him off so much.

"Something about a job. "

Top 20 worst jokes ever !!!!

The 20 Worst Jokes Ever!

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
You, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does
this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says
to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn’t find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know
you can't I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other
and says Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire
in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate
very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good. . .) A
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different
puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make
them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!

It's Bill and Hillary Clinton's fiftieth anniversary...

As they sat over a candle lit dinner, Hillary made a confession. "Bill," she says. "You know that box in the basement you told me never to open?"
"Yes" says Bill.
"It had been bothering me for years and finally curiosity won over. I opened it."
Bill sighed in disappointment. Hillary asked, "I found three empty beer bottles and seventy seven dollars. Can I ask why you were keeping three empty beer bottles?"
"Well, Hillary. I'm going to be honest. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I would come home and open a beer. I would drink it thinking about how I really love you and how sorry I was. The beer bottles are reminders of the mistakes I made cheating on you."
Hillary was surprised but she knew his past and accepted it. "Bill, I'm dissapointed, but we have been through worse. I love you and I forgive you. Can I ask why there was seventy seven dollars in the box?"
Bill shrugged. "Everytime the box filled up with beer bottles, I took them back for the deposit."

Two men want to get drunk...

But only have 10 dollars on them. The first guy turns to his friend and says, "I have an idea! Let's go to the deli and buy a salami." The friend is confused but goes along with the plan. They head to the deli, buy the salami and finally head to the bar. They start drinking beer after beer and before they can pay their tab the first guy places the salami between his legs and says, "Here, suck on the salami and they'll kick us out before we even pay!" The friend complies and sure enough the two guys are kicked out the bar. They laugh and celebrate, the plan was a success! So they continue this routine to one bar, then another, and another. Each time they were required to pay the tab the first friend took out the salami and the second bobbed his head on it. Immediately getting them removed from the bars premises. After the last bar hopping the second friend became hungry and said, "Aw man, all these beers have me starving. Where is that salami I want to eat?" The first friend says, "I don't know man, I lost it after the first bar."

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"

The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediately a foaming mug of ice-cold German ale appears in his hand. He takes a long swig and when he puts it down, it's still miraculously full! The Frenchman and Englishman are, of course, amazed.

"I wish," said the Frenchman, "For a wall to be built around France, ten miles high and ten miles thick, so that nobody can get in and nobody can get out."

The fish screws up its eyes in concentration for a moment then says. "Done! And what do you want?"

"Is there a wall around France?" asks the Englishman

"Yes." replies the fish.

"Is it ten miles high and ten miles thick?"

"Yes."

"And can nobody get in, and nobody get out?"

"Yes."

"Well then," says the Englishman, "I want you to fill it with water."

Have you tried duct tape?

Dave is sitting at the bar with his friend Mike, confiding in him about his troubled love life.

"I'm crazy about this girl at work" Dave starts, "but I can't even look at her without getting a massive erection. How am I supposed to ask her out if I can't even look at her without losing the run of myself?"

Mike pauses for a moment and shares with Dave,

"Dude I have had this problem before."

"Really?" asks Dave.

"Yeah man, I used duct tape. Strapped my piece to my leg and I didn't have to worry about it when I made my move."

Dave decides it's worth a shot, thanks Mike, drains his beer and leaves.

The pair meet at the bar the following evening and Dave seems more down than before.

"What's up Dave? How did it go?" enquires Mike, eager for answers.

"I took your advice" he replied. "It did it all. Taped my piece to my leg, got dressed for work and marched right up to her."

"So what happened?!" presses Mike.

"Well I reached her just as she was taking her coat off and she turns around wearing this insanely tight dress...."

Dave trails off.

"What did you say to her?" Mike asks

"I kicked her in the face."

Alabama vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife did not want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (big firework), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

So the couple drove across the state border into Georgia to get a second opinion.

The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama.

The doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and coun t to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count '1, 2, 3, 4, 5...' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?"
The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go make things right with her."
Laughing, the man exclaims, "Well that sounds like the stupidest test I've ever heard of!" He leaves to get drunk with his friends.
Later that night, the man comes back to the bartender absolutely hammered drunk.
"Ok bartender! Let's do this test!"
The bartender hands him a gallon of pepper tequilla, and before he could warn him, the man starts chugging it. Teary eyed and near the point of fainting, the man finishes the gallon and slams it on the counter. Stunned, the bartender leads him out back to the alligator.
A few minutes pass, and after a bunch of screaming and clatter, the man stumbles back in. His shirt is torn up and his body is bleeding profusely.
He stares at the bartender and says, "Ok bartender, where's the girl with the sore tooth?"

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