Contents
Funniest Jokes
New Jokes
Funniest Beer Jokes
Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's" I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
An infinite number of people walk into a bar...
The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...
The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your sister It tastes the same but it's just not right.
Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer. Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.
My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant... ...I can’t pull anything out in time!
A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt.
The bartender asks: “What can I get you?”
The construction worker says “One beer for me, and one for the road.”
Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like going down on your sister... it tastes the same, but it's just not right.
If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye?
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"
So the CEO of EA walks into a bar..
"I'll have a beer" he says, exasperated from the recent PR firestorm.
"That'll be $1" answers the barman.
"Woah" replies the CEO, "That's great value!"
"Sure is." the barman replies. "Would you like a glass with that?"
A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks whata ya have there big fella? The bear says " Give me a .........................................................beer." The bartender says" What's with the big pause?" The bear throws his arms up in the air and says " I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM."
I just poured my root beer into a square cup. Now all I have is beer...
I put root beer into a square cup. All I have now is beer.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mom's" I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
Three logicians walk into a bar..
The bartender asks, "would all three of you like some beer?"
The first one replies,"I don't know"
The second one replies, "I don't know either"
The third replies, "Yes all three of us would like a beer"
I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me... I didn't know whether it was her or the beer talking...
I saw a lady texting and driving today I was furious. I rolled down my window, and threw my beer at her.
I asked my buddy if he always puts an orange wedge in his beer. He said, "Ehh not really. Maybe once in a Blue Moon."
What do a pregnant woman, a burnt pizza and frozen beer have in common? A man who didn't take it out in time.
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are a dollar fifty. Deer nuts are always under a buck...
I'll see myself out now.
What does a burnt pizza, a frozen beer and a pregnant girlfriend have in common? One dumbass who never pulls out in time
A dog walks into a bar The dog says, "Gimme a beer." The bartender says, "Wow! You can talk! You should get a job at the circus!" The dog says, "They're hiring electricians at the circus?"
I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it’s just beer.
A man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road."
If your urine looks like beer, you are likely dehydrated. But if it looks like bud light, you're good.
I put root beer in a square glass Now I just have beer
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says,"Sorry, we don't serve food here."
So i poured my root beer in a square cup and now its just beer
Whats the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts Beer nuts are $1.50 a lb. And deer nuts are under a buck.
Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle. Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.
How do you make a human corpse float? Two scoops ice cream, one scoop human corpse, and half a liter of root beer.
C and a C++ walked into a bar... The C spilled his beer all over the C++'s shirt. Outraged, C++ shouted, "Good god, man! Have you no class?"
A husband and wife are sitting in a bar.
They see a man downing beer across the room.
The wife says: "He proposed to me ten years ago, and I said no."
The husband responds: "And he's still celebrating!"
Do you ever put an orange in your beer? Once in a Blue Moon
How many Mormons do you take fishing with you?
Two.
If you only take one, he'll drink all your beer.
How does an alcoholic decide how much beer to drink? On a case-by-case basis.
So I was driving home from work tonight, I saw a woman texting whilst driving. It infuriated me so much I threw my beer bottle at her car.
What does an alcoholic do when he is out of beer? Wine
A guy is having a drink with his wife.....
A man is sitting at home on the veranda having drinks with his wife and he says, “I love you.”
She asks, “Is that you or the beer talking?”
He replies, “It’s me….. talking to the beer.”
What does an alcoholic do when he's out of beer? Wine