Contents
Contents
Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's" I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
Sitting beside my girlfriend I said, "I love you."
She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I said, "It's me talking to the beer."
An infinite number of people walk into a bar...
The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...
The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your sister It tastes the same but it's just not right.
Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer. Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.
My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant... ...I can’t pull anything out in time!
A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt.
The bartender asks: “What can I get you?”
The construction worker says “One beer for me, and one for the road.”
Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like going down on your sister... it tastes the same, but it's just not right.
If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye?
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"
So the CEO of EA walks into a bar..
"I'll have a beer" he says, exasperated from the recent PR firestorm.
"That'll be $1" answers the barman.
"Woah" replies the CEO, "That's great value!"
"Sure is." the barman replies. "Would you like a glass with that?"
A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks whata ya have there big fella? The bear says " Give me a .........................................................beer." The bartender says" What's with the big pause?" The bear throws his arms up in the air and says " I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM."
I just poured my root beer into a square cup. Now all I have is beer...
I put root beer into a square cup. All I have now is beer.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mom's" I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
Three logicians walk into a bar..
The bartender asks, "would all three of you like some beer?"
The first one replies,"I don't know"
The second one replies, "I don't know either"
The third replies, "Yes all three of us would like a beer"
I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me... I didn't know whether it was her or the beer talking...
I saw a lady texting and driving today I was furious. I rolled down my window, and threw my beer at her.
I asked my buddy if he always puts an orange wedge in his beer. He said, "Ehh not really. Maybe once in a Blue Moon."
What do a pregnant woman, a burnt pizza and frozen beer have in common? A man who didn't take it out in time.
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are a dollar fifty. Deer nuts are always under a buck...
I'll see myself out now.
What does a burnt pizza, a frozen beer and a pregnant girlfriend have in common? One dumbass who never pulls out in time
A dog walks into a bar The dog says, "Gimme a beer." The bartender says, "Wow! You can talk! You should get a job at the circus!" The dog says, "They're hiring electricians at the circus?"
I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it’s just beer.
A man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road."
If your urine looks like beer, you are likely dehydrated. But if it looks like bud light, you're good.
I put root beer in a square glass Now I just have beer
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says,"Sorry, we don't serve food here."
So i poured my root beer in a square cup and now its just beer
Whats the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts Beer nuts are $1.50 a lb. And deer nuts are under a buck.
Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle. Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.
A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "I'll have a............beer." The bartender responds, "what's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his arms and says, "always had 'em."
i poured root beer in a square glass... now i just have beer.
I was having a beer with the wife last night, when I suddenly blurted out, "I love you more than anything on earth!"
She said, "I bet that's the beer talking, isn't it?"
I said, "No, it's me talking to the beer!"
My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen, and my girlfriend is pregnant. It seems I can't take anything out on time.
What does a burnt pizza, a pregnant woman and a frozen beer all have in common? You left it in too long.
Golden State Warriors "No one can choke harder than we did." Atlanta Falcons "Hold my beer."
C and a C++ walked into a bar... The C spilled his beer all over the C++'s shirt. Outraged, C++ shouted, "Good god, man! Have you no class?"
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and asks for a beer
The bartender nods,
"and how about one for the road?"
Necrophilia is a lot like having a beer... there's nothing like popping open a cold one!
On my way home from work saw a man texting while driving.. Knowing how dangerous this can be I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window and threw my beer at him.
What do the colors in the German flag stand for?
Black: cars
Red: sausages
Yellow: beer
Blue: jews
What do a frozen beer, a burnt pizza, and a pregnant woman have in common? Some jackass forgot to take it out in time.
Why is it impossible to throw a beer at Trump? Because he's a draft dodger
How do you sink a Canadian submarine? You knock on the door and they will open it and invite you in for a beer
What's a pregnant woman, a frozen beer, and a burnt pizza have in common? Some moron didn't pull it out.
Why does the Rabbi never buy beer? Because Hebrews his own
How does an alcoholic decide how much beer to drink? On a case-by-case basis.
When it's sunny, I think, "beer garden!"
When it rains, I usually go to the bar for a while.
When it's snowing, I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beer.
I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather…
A software testing engineer walks into a bar. and he orders a beer, Orders 0 beer, orders 32769 beers, orders 99999999 beers, orders a lizard, orders -1 beers, orders gksbfkagfiau.
Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar.
I asked him if he knew Kung Fu or some other martial art.
He said, “Why do you ask me that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!”
“No it’s because you’re drinking MY beer!“
Why should you always take two Baptists fishing? If you take just one Baptist, he'll drink all your beer; if you take two, they won't drink any.
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
Chinese in the bar
Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar.
I asked him if he knew Kung Fu or some other martial art.
He said, “Why do you ask me that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!”
“No it’s because you’re drinking MY beer!“
A man and woman are sitting on their porch A man and woman are sitting on their porch drinking a beer. The man says, "I love you." The woman says, "Is that you talking or the beer talking?" The man says, "That's me talking to the beer!"
Wife asked me what am I doing
Me: Killing Mosquitos
Wife: How many have you killed?
Me: Total 5. 2 Female and 3 Male
Wife: How did you know their gender?
Me: Three were near my beer bottle and two near my wallet
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are $2.99, but, deer nuts are under a buck.
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1.50.
Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Descartes walks into a bar... The bartender says: "would you like a beer?" Descartes replies: "I think not", and he ceases to exist.
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? You can get one beer nut for $1.35, but two deer nuts are just under a buck
A skeleton walked into a bar
A skeleton walked into a bar and asked for a beer.
And a mop.
Some idiot was texting and driving and rear ended my car. It spilled my beer all over the place.
Does beer make you smarter? I dunno, but it certainly made Bud Wiser
15 Year Old Teenager: "I love the US! It's the land of freedom and opportunity! We even have freedom of speech!" CNN: "Hold my beer."
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.
He goes to the bartender and ask
"I'll take a beer ! And another one for the road !"
Two beers sitting in a bar
Full beer turns to the empty one and says, "come on, let's go home. You drivin'?"
"can't" the empty one replies, "Im drunk"
Necrophilia is like drinking beer There's nothing like popping open a cold one
A man walks into a bar...
...wearing a hard hat and overalls, carrying a pickaxe in one hand and a lantern in the other. He sits down on a stool and orders a beer. The bartender takes one look at him and says:
"We don't serve miners here."
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
whats a math teachers favorite soda root beer
A neutron went into a bar and ordered a beer, The bartender upon seeing him said "this one is free of charge".
Good trade
Man was walking down the street with a case of beer. His friend Sam stops him and asks "what did ya get the beer for?"
I got it for my wife answers the man
Oh exclaims Sam "Good trade"
Whenever I drink I buy 20 cans of 5% beer That way I know I'm getting 100% drunk.
How often do I put orange slices in my beer? Oh, once in a Blue Moon.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None it should be open by the time she hands it to you.
A bear walks into a bar... The bear says "I'll have a beer and a................... packet of peanuts" The bartender says "why the big pause"?
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a buck fifty and deer nuts are always under a buck
My girlfriend hung a note on the fridge...
...which said: "I can't do it, it's not working anymore."
Door could be opened. Light is fully functional. Beer is cold.
I got no clue what she was talking about
Beer is like the Sun It rises in the yeast, and sets in the Waist
What does a frozen beer, a burnt pizza and a pregnant woman have in commonn? An idiot didn't get it out in time
2,147,483,647 bottles of beer on the wall, 2,147,483,647 bottles of beer. Take one down and pass it around Error: Int overflow
Some say that beer is soda with soul... No wonder ginger ale isn't alcoholic!
Three logicians walks into a bar
The bartender asks *"Beer for the three of you?"*
The first one says: *"I don't know"*
The second one says *"I don't know"*
The third one says, joyfully *"Yes, please!"*
A guy walks into a Bar
And asks for a beer.
The bartender: 'do you want a normal beer or a no-alcohol?'
'It depends. Do you want normal money or Monopoly's?'
My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.
"Are we expecting guests?" I asked.
"No," she replied.
"Then why did you buy so much bread?"
A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender takes one look at him and says, "We don't serve food here."
Beer is like the sun
Beer is like the Sun.
It rises in the yeast, and sets in the waist.
What do you call a root beer in a square glass? Beer
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast"
How do you get a Mormon to not drink all of your beer on a fishing trip? Bring two Mormons.
A guy is having a beer with his wife says:
You are my dream, my angel, my love. I don't know what I would do without you. I love you.
The wife says 'is that you talking or is it the beer'?
Husband says: It's me talking to the beer.
What does an alcoholic do when he's out of beer? Wine
A husband and wife are sitting in a bar.
They see a man downing beer across the room.
The wife says: "He proposed to me ten years ago, and I said no."
The husband responds: "And he's still celebrating!"
What does an alcoholic do when he is out of beer? Wine
What do you call it when a man has a beer in each hand? Irish handcuffs.
How do you keep your Baptist friend from drinking all your beer on the fishing trip You bring a second baptist.
What do frozen beer, a burnt pizza, and a pregnant woman have in common? An idiot who forgot to take it out earlier.
What do a pregnant woman, a burned pizza and a frozen beer have in common? In all three cases somebody took it out TOO LATE
What do a burnt pizza, a frozen beer, and a pregnant woman have in common? In all 3 cases, someone forgot to pull it out.
What do burnt pizza, frozen beer and a pregnant chick have in common? Some douchebag forgot to pull it out in time.
A guy is having a drink with his wife.....
A man is sitting at home on the veranda having drinks with his wife and he says, “I love you.”
She asks, “Is that you or the beer talking?”
He replies, “It’s me….. talking to the beer.”
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