Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's" I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
An infinite number of people walk into a bar...
The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...
The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your sister It tastes the same but it's just not right.
Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer. Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.
My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant... ...I can’t pull anything out in time!
A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt.
The bartender asks: “What can I get you?”
The construction worker says “One beer for me, and one for the road.”
Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like going down on your sister... it tastes the same, but it's just not right.
If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye?
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"
So the CEO of EA walks into a bar..
"I'll have a beer" he says, exasperated from the recent PR firestorm.
"That'll be $1" answers the barman.
"Woah" replies the CEO, "That's great value!"
"Sure is." the barman replies. "Would you like a glass with that?"
A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks whata ya have there big fella? The bear says " Give me a .........................................................beer." The bartender says" What's with the big pause?" The bear throws his arms up in the air and says " I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM."
I just poured my root beer into a square cup. Now all I have is beer...
I put root beer into a square cup. All I have now is beer.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mom's" I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
Three logicians walk into a bar..
The bartender asks, "would all three of you like some beer?"
The first one replies,"I don't know"
The second one replies, "I don't know either"
The third replies, "Yes all three of us would like a beer"
I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me... I didn't know whether it was her or the beer talking...
I saw a lady texting and driving today I was furious. I rolled down my window, and threw my beer at her.
I asked my buddy if he always puts an orange wedge in his beer. He said, "Ehh not really. Maybe once in a Blue Moon."
What do a pregnant woman, a burnt pizza and frozen beer have in common? A man who didn't take it out in time.
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are a dollar fifty. Deer nuts are always under a buck...
I'll see myself out now.
What does a burnt pizza, a frozen beer and a pregnant girlfriend have in common? One dumbass who never pulls out in time
A dog walks into a bar The dog says, "Gimme a beer." The bartender says, "Wow! You can talk! You should get a job at the circus!" The dog says, "They're hiring electricians at the circus?"
I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it’s just beer.
A man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road."
If your urine looks like beer, you are likely dehydrated. But if it looks like bud light, you're good.
I put root beer in a square glass Now I just have beer
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says,"Sorry, we don't serve food here."
So i poured my root beer in a square cup and now its just beer
Whats the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts Beer nuts are $1.50 a lb. And deer nuts are under a buck.
Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle. Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.
C and a C++ walked into a bar... The C spilled his beer all over the C++'s shirt. Outraged, C++ shouted, "Good god, man! Have you no class?"
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and asks for a beer
The bartender nods,
"and how about one for the road?"
A guy is having a beer with his wife says:
You are my dream, my angel, my love. I don't know what I would do without you. I love you.
The wife says 'is that you talking or is it the beer'?
Husband says: It's me talking to the beer.
Do you ever put an orange in your beer? Once in a Blue Moon
A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender takes one look at him and says, "We don't serve food here."
What do frozen beer, a burnt pizza, and a pregnant woman have in common? An idiot who forgot to take it out earlier.
He orders a beer and a shot of whiskey. A time traveler walks into a bar.
A guy is having a drink with his wife.....
A man is sitting at home on the veranda having drinks with his wife and he says, “I love you.”
She asks, “Is that you or the beer talking?”
He replies, “It’s me….. talking to the beer.”
What does an alcoholic do when he's out of beer? Wine
Sitting next to my wife today, I said "I love you",
She replied "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I answered "It's me... Talking to the beer"
What dose a coronavirus say to a coronavirus Ey bro got the corona beer
Comic Sans walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Get out, we don't serve your type!"
My coworker invited an Asian friend to the party
His friend said he would bring Coronas to the party, but didn't show up with beer.
*Everyone left the party feeling a little sick.*
I can make light only using beer, vodka and wine. Don't believe me? I'll show you: BAM! Booze LED!
Roman soldier walks into a bar and holds up two fingers And says "5 pints of beer please"
I got the waiter arrested I bought root beer but it was served in a square cup I quickly called the police
A chicken sandwish walks into a bar and orders a beer Bartender says: " We don't serve food here"
Traffic cop: Is this car licensed? Driver: Yes! Cop: I'll have a beer then!
What do you get when you pour root beer into a square cup? Beer
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender what time the most beautiful women show up at... The bartender tells him "It's all in the eye of the beer holder"
What do you call a male beer? A hebrew.
Found this bar on the moon Great beer, no atmosphere.
A Marine and a SEAL walk into a bar...
The Marine gets a beer
The SEAL gets a book deal
Why is it impossible to throw a beer at Trump? Because he's a draft dodger
Chuck Norris once had beer with a bunch of aliens in a nondescript location. Today we call it Area 51
An Australian, New Zealander and a South African walk into a bar and each order a beer. Bartender: Sorry, we don’t serve Bears 🐻
My Dad learnt this new magic trick He showed me that he can turn a 6 pack of beer into domestic violence
When I was a kid, my parents used to give me 10c and I would have to go down to the shop. I would get a pack of Potato’s, a bunch of bananas, 5 loafs of bread and a bottle of beer. But of course, you can’t do that anymore as most stores have security cameras.
If you take a Baptist fishing, they will drink all your beer. But, if you take two Baptists fishing you will have all the beer to yourself.
I was having a bad day and then I played a country song in reverse... My tire on my truck got fixed, my wife apologized for cheating and came back, I didn’t run out of beer and got back on to an asphalt road!
My dads has been on the longest beer run in history I haven't seen him in 12 years
What's better, a v-day dinner with a vegan faminist, or with beer and Netflix? I don't know any vegan faminists and beet and Netflix is my constant state of being
I went to a party with the intent on taking a girl home and sleeping with her. My beer goggles were on so I didn’t realize until the next morning her teeth had cracks all over.. I slept with the creature from the crack lagoon
What is the Suns favorite beer? Natural Light
What does flat beer and JKF have in common? No head.
What kind of beer do Fox News analysts drink? Roger Ales.
A battery, a mule, and a fish walk into a bar.
The mule orders a beer. "I'm off the wagon," he explains.
The battery orders a juice. "AA all the way," it says.
"And for you, sir?" The bartender asks the fish. "Water," it croaks, and collapses.
Vincent Van Gogh is having a pint…
His mate Gauguin walks in to the bar and says,
“ Hi Vinny, fancy a beer?”
“ No thanks , I’ve got one ‘ere…”.
6 Irish set menu 5 glasses of beer and one bread .
What is an arctic animal's favorite drink? A polar beer
I've had it with people texting and driving. if i see one more person on their phone while driving im going to roll my window down and throw my beer at them.
Never take just one Baptist fishing with you If you only bring one then he’ll drink all your beer
What did one craft beer say to the other after their boxing match? How's your mouthfeel?
3 elderly men are sitting next to each other on a park bench
The first says, “It’s windy today.”
The second says, “No it’s Thursday.”
The third says, “I’m thirsty, too. Lets get a beer.”
What's the difference between a Jewish guy and a woman who makes beer? One's a Hebrew, the other's a Shebrew.
Stars Wars is not aging well. After 40 years, Obi-Wan Kenobi cannot be more wrong.
Obi-Wan: "You will **never** find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy"
2017: "Hold my beer"
Joke from my then 5 year old ! She's silly.
"Have you ever pretend your sock was a beer?"
Do you put your sock in the beer?
" Ya you put your foot in the beer then you have sake! "
This flood is devastating. Everything in my kitchen ended up sinking with the exception of a carton of ice cream and some root beer. They stayed afloat.
Some idiot was texting and driving and rear ended my car. It spilled my beer all over the place.
Why did the fungi bring beer and bread to the party? It was the yeast he could do.
My friend asked me if I ever drink my beer with corriander in it I told him, "Once in a Blue Moon"
A skeleton goes into a bar... And orders a beer and a mop
How I respond when people make fun of me for liking Guiness I like my beer like I like my women. Black and heavy.
United Kingdom: Brexit is the stupid most self destructive act a country could take. USA : lol, hold my beer
A skeleton goes into a bar, orders a beer and a mop.
New Julia Roberts Movie [OC] Just in time for St. Patrick's Day, Julia Roberts is releasing a new movie. It's about a legal secretary who exposes the toxic levels of green beer. It's called Erin go Bragh-kovich.
Which beer did the flower drink that made it realize that it was smarter when it was young? Budweiser
I'm opening up a pirate-themed restaurant.
It'll serve breakfast food and beer, and it will be run by the guy who plays Scotty in the new Star Trek movies.
It's called Simon Pegg's Eggs, Kegs & Peg Legs.
We like our beer as we like our violence
A woman in this bar just told me she wants to have my babies.... Watch my beer while I go home and get them.
Whats the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are under $2.00 while deer nuts are under a buck
What do a pregnant woman, a burned pizza and a frozen beer have in common? In all three cases somebody took it out TOO LATE
I squared my root beer... ...now it's just a beer.
What do a burnt pizza, a frozen beer, and a pregnant woman have in common? In all 3 cases, someone forgot to pull it out.
Whats the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are 50 cents but deer nuts are under a buck.
Whats the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are about a buck and deer nuts are under a buck.
What's the difference between beer nut and deer nuts? Beer nuts will cost you about $1.25. Deer nuts are under a buck.
A Frenchman, a German, and A Jew are stranded in the dessert...
the frenchman says: I'm tired, I'm thirsty I must have wine
the german says: I'm tired, I'm thirsty I must have beer
the jew says: I'm tired, I'm thirsty I must have diabetes