Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's" I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
An infinite number of people walk into a bar...
The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...
The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your sister It tastes the same but it's just not right.
Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer. Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.
My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant... ...I can’t pull anything out in time!
A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt.
The bartender asks: “What can I get you?”
The construction worker says “One beer for me, and one for the road.”
Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like going down on your sister... it tastes the same, but it's just not right.
If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye?
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"
So the CEO of EA walks into a bar..
"I'll have a beer" he says, exasperated from the recent PR firestorm.
"That'll be $1" answers the barman.
"Woah" replies the CEO, "That's great value!"
"Sure is." the barman replies. "Would you like a glass with that?"
A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks whata ya have there big fella? The bear says " Give me a .........................................................beer." The bartender says" What's with the big pause?" The bear throws his arms up in the air and says " I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM."
I just poured my root beer into a square cup. Now all I have is beer...
I put root beer into a square cup. All I have now is beer.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mom's" I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
Three logicians walk into a bar..
The bartender asks, "would all three of you like some beer?"
The first one replies,"I don't know"
The second one replies, "I don't know either"
The third replies, "Yes all three of us would like a beer"
I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me... I didn't know whether it was her or the beer talking...
I saw a lady texting and driving today I was furious. I rolled down my window, and threw my beer at her.
I asked my buddy if he always puts an orange wedge in his beer. He said, "Ehh not really. Maybe once in a Blue Moon."
What do a pregnant woman, a burnt pizza and frozen beer have in common? A man who didn't take it out in time.
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are a dollar fifty. Deer nuts are always under a buck...
I'll see myself out now.
What does a burnt pizza, a frozen beer and a pregnant girlfriend have in common? One dumbass who never pulls out in time
A dog walks into a bar The dog says, "Gimme a beer." The bartender says, "Wow! You can talk! You should get a job at the circus!" The dog says, "They're hiring electricians at the circus?"
I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it’s just beer.
A man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road."
If your urine looks like beer, you are likely dehydrated. But if it looks like bud light, you're good.
I put root beer in a square glass Now I just have beer
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says,"Sorry, we don't serve food here."
So i poured my root beer in a square cup and now its just beer
Whats the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts Beer nuts are $1.50 a lb. And deer nuts are under a buck.
Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle. Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.
What does a burnt pizza, a pregnant woman and a frozen beer all have in common? You left it in too long.
C and a C++ walked into a bar... The C spilled his beer all over the C++'s shirt. Outraged, C++ shouted, "Good god, man! Have you no class?"
A husband and wife are sitting in a bar.
They see a man downing beer across the room.
The wife says: "He proposed to me ten years ago, and I said no."
The husband responds: "And he's still celebrating!"
A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender takes one look at him and says, "We don't serve food here."
What's a pregnant woman, a frozen beer, and a burnt pizza have in common? Some moron didn't pull it out.
What do frozen beer, a burnt pizza, and a pregnant woman have in common? An idiot who forgot to take it out earlier.
What do burnt pizza, frozen beer and a pregnant chick have in common? Some douchebag forgot to pull it out in time.
What does an alcoholic do when he is out of beer? Wine
What do a frozen beer, a burnt pizza, and a pregnant woman have in common? Some jackass forgot to take it out in time.
A guy is having a drink with his wife.....
A man is sitting at home on the veranda having drinks with his wife and he says, “I love you.”
She asks, “Is that you or the beer talking?”
He replies, “It’s me….. talking to the beer.”
A rapist, a tax evader, and the president walk into a bar He orders a beer
What dose a coronavirus say to a coronavirus Ey bro got the corona beer
Comic Sans walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Get out, we don't serve your type!"
My coworker invited an Asian friend to the party
His friend said he would bring Coronas to the party, but didn't show up with beer.
*Everyone left the party feeling a little sick.*
What do the colors in the German flag stand for?
I can make light only using beer, vodka and wine. Don't believe me? I'll show you: BAM! Booze LED!
Roman soldier walks into a bar and holds up two fingers And says "5 pints of beer please"
I got the waiter arrested I bought root beer but it was served in a square cup I quickly called the police
A chicken sandwish walks into a bar and orders a beer Bartender says: " We don't serve food here"
Traffic cop: Is this car licensed? Driver: Yes! Cop: I'll have a beer then!
What do you get when you pour root beer into a square cup? Beer
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender what time the most beautiful women show up at... The bartender tells him "It's all in the eye of the beer holder"
What do you call a male beer? A hebrew.
Found this bar on the moon Great beer, no atmosphere.
What do the colors in the German flag stand for?
What do you call a beer run but for when it’s White Claw? A seltzer sprint.
After UK's Parliament declared that "LoOt bOxEs aRe sUpRisE mEcHaniCs nOt tEChnIcAlLY GAmblInG"
EA: Dude I cant believe we got away with loot boxes not being called gambling
NBA 2k20: Hold my beer
A Marine and a SEAL walk into a bar...
The Marine gets a beer
The SEAL gets a book deal
Why is it impossible to throw a beer at Trump? Because he's a draft dodger
An Australian, New Zealander and a South African walk into a bar and each order a beer. Bartender: Sorry, we don’t serve Bears 🐻
My Dad learnt this new magic trick He showed me that he can turn a 6 pack of beer into domestic violence
When I was a kid, my parents used to give me 10c and I would have to go down to the shop. I would get a pack of Potato’s, a bunch of bananas, 5 loafs of bread and a bottle of beer. But of course, you can’t do that anymore as most stores have security cameras.
If you take a Baptist fishing, they will drink all your beer. But, if you take two Baptists fishing you will have all the beer to yourself.
I was having a bad day and then I played a country song in reverse... My tire on my truck got fixed, my wife apologized for cheating and came back, I didn’t run out of beer and got back on to an asphalt road!
My dads has been on the longest beer run in history I haven't seen him in 12 years
What's better, a v-day dinner with a vegan faminist, or with beer and Netflix? I don't know any vegan faminists and beet and Netflix is my constant state of being
I went to a party with the intent on taking a girl home and sleeping with her. My beer goggles were on so I didn’t realize until the next morning her teeth had cracks all over.. I slept with the creature from the crack lagoon
What kind of beer do Fox News analysts drink? Roger Ales.
A battery, a mule, and a fish walk into a bar.
The mule orders a beer. "I'm off the wagon," he explains.
The battery orders a juice. "AA all the way," it says.
"And for you, sir?" The bartender asks the fish. "Water," it croaks, and collapses.
What is an arctic animal's favorite drink? A polar beer
How do you sink a Canadian submarine? You knock on the door and they will open it and invite you in for a beer
I've had it with people texting and driving. if i see one more person on their phone while driving im going to roll my window down and throw my beer at them.
Never take just one Baptist fishing with you If you only bring one then he’ll drink all your beer
3 elderly men are sitting next to each other on a park bench
The first says, “It’s windy today.”
The second says, “No it’s Thursday.”
The third says, “I’m thirsty, too. Lets get a beer.”
Wife asked me what am I doing
Me: Killing Mosquitos
Wife: How many have you killed?
Me: Total 5. 2 Female and 3 Male
Wife: How did you know their gender?
Me: Three were near my beer bottle and two near my wallet
Some idiot was texting and driving and rear ended my car. It spilled my beer all over the place.
Why did the fungi bring beer and bread to the party? It was the yeast he could do.
My friend asked me if I ever drink my beer with corriander in it I told him, "Once in a Blue Moon"
A skeleton goes into a bar... And orders a beer and a mop
What does a frozen beer, a burnt pizza and a pregnant woman have in commonn? An idiot didn't get it out in time
I love you my friends and that's not just the beer talking. It's from the bottom of my bottle of wine too.
How I respond when people make fun of me for liking Guiness I like my beer like I like my women. Black and heavy.
Sitting next to my wife today, I said "I love you",
She replied "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I answered "It's me... Talking to the beer"
Yesterday my doctor told me, "if you don´t stop drinking, you´ll die." I asked him why. "Because thats my beer."
What does an alcoholic do when he's out of beer? Wine
What do you call it when a man has a beer in each hand? Irish handcuffs.
A bear walks into a bar
A bear walks into a bar and asks the barman:
"Can I have a beer...................Please?"
The barman replies:
"Sure, but why the massive paws?"
Edit: Paws not pause
How do you keep your Baptist friend from drinking all your beer on the fishing trip You bring a second baptist.
What kind of beer do architecture majors drink at parties Natural light
Tree men walk into a bar They order root beer and leaf before paying.
How do men show that they have long term plans for the future? They buy 2 packs of beer instead of 1.
I came home from work and there was a note from my wife on the fridge.
It said, "It's not working. I can't take this. I'm going to my mother's."
I opened the door. The light came on and the beer was cold. I don't know what in the world she was talking about.
We like our beer as we like our violence
A woman in this bar just told me she wants to have my babies.... Watch my beer while I go home and get them.
A tourist is cycling in the Dutch countryside...
...when a passing car slows down beside him. The driver rolls down the window and asks “You’re awfully fast – are you heading to Sexbierum?”
The cyclist replies “Just the beer and the rum. I’m married.”
What do a pregnant woman, a burned pizza and a frozen beer have in common? In all three cases somebody took it out TOO LATE
I squared my root beer... ...now it's just a beer.
What do a burnt pizza, a frozen beer, and a pregnant woman have in common? In all 3 cases, someone forgot to pull it out.
A Frenchman, a German, and A Jew are stranded in the dessert...
the frenchman says: I'm tired, I'm thirsty I must have wine
the german says: I'm tired, I'm thirsty I must have beer
the jew says: I'm tired, I'm thirsty I must have diabetes