Comedy Jokes


Funniest Comedy Jokes

Funny Comedy Jokes

If comedy = tragedy + time, what's comedy + time? A repost.

What does the narcissistic cow say? "Meeeeee!"

I wrote this.
I'm now a comedy writer.
You are welcome.

Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention. Laughed more than I thought.

Dark comedy is like food. Not everyone gets it.

I'm halfway through becoming a stand up comedian I can stand up, now all I need is comedy

If Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider and Dennis Dugan are in a plane and the plane crashes, who will survive? American comedy films.

Here is some comedy gold for you ,d Au

What's the difference between a Shakespeare comedy and Fox News? One's The Taming of the Shrew, the other is the shaming of the true.

My life is like a romantic comedy Except there's no romance and it's just me laughing at my own jokes.

> HA! Hilarious and original! Encore!

Dark Comedy A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she's seeing someone. It's either really terrible news or really great news.

Had to stop following Business Insider for the headline: "Amy Schumer's new comedy movie is shockingly awful" I can't trust anybody who finds that shocking.

Everyone laughed at me when I said I wanted to do stand up comedy Well, no one's laughing now

3 American Comedy shows walk into a bar and... This punchline is not available in your country.

Sorry about that.

A lot of comedy today is observational humor You guys ever noticed that?

I once entered ten puns in a comedy competition hoping one would win. But, no pun in ten did.

My friend had purchased an extra stand-up comedy ticket for me. I turned him down. After all, I could never enjoy jokes at other people's expense.

One thing a paralyzed person can not do is? Stand up comedy

Sean Connery only asked his wife to sit on his face once. ** comedy silence **

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe? Roberto

I would like my comedy award now please

I really hate being a comedian so I broke my legs Guess who’s not doing stand up comedy

My chiropractor recently started doing stand up comedy He really cracks me up.

There's an ISIS comedy night coming up... I would go but i'm fairly certain they're all going to bomb.

Facebook and basic cable Reading Facebook feels like I'm watching basic cable in a hotel: All I want is Comedy Central, but all I can find is the Food Network, workout infomercials and Fox News.

My buddy wrote a comedy routine about menorahs. It was just a bunch of candle shtick.

Did you hear a bunch of surgeons are at the comedy club? It's open Mike night.

Why's it so hard to perform comedy in a liquor store? Because you always only get booze

Secret To Comedy Guy 1: Hey! Ask me "What is is the secret to comedy?"

Guy 2: Okay ... What is the sec-

Guy 1: TIMING!!!

sorry if it sucks

Louis CK returned to the stage last night with a 15 minute set at the Comedy Store in New York. He needed the exposure.

Comedy is in my blood. I just wish it were also in my jokes.

Why did the cannibal bring his silverware to the comedy club? He heard there would be an open Mike.

I told my wife I was going to do stand-up comedy She said, "You're joking"

I said, "I told you I was good"

A miner said he could make anyone laugh He showed me something

And I immediately burst out laughing

What was it?

A shiny yellow stone

It was comedy gold

Comedy is hard. For example: I tried writing a joke about toilets, but it tanked

Hedgehogs... Why can't they just share the hedge?

One of my favourite jokes to come out of the Edinburgh Comedy festival :-)

Yesterday, I had a blast roasting this random fat guy in a comedy club the audience loved it but some said it was a little too spicy for their taste.

A sitcom about a 9/11 hijacker was in the works for Comedy Central But it never made it past the pilot episode

I went to a comedy night at a haunted mansion I got booed off the stage

What do you get when you cross hard alcohol with a classic American novel? Tequil-a Mockinbird

Edit: I've been told this is apparently a real drink... whatever, classic comedy

I went to a comedy club the other night, and the comedian didn't show up. No joke.

Popular Topics

New Comedy Jokes

One moment Chris D’Elia’s the King of Comedy the next he’s barely regal.

I tried stand up comedy once I got kicked out for “interrupting”.
Apparently you aren’t supposed to shout “comedy” during someone’s performance

I went to a comedy bakery the other day... The baker didn't loaf at his own jokes.

It was a bread pan delivery.

What's the difference between comedy and political correctness? One is making light of a dark situation.

The other is making dark of a light situation.

I went thirsty at the comedy club. The punch lines were terrible!

A boy asks a magician... A boy asks a magician: how did you get into comedy and magic?

The magician: It was because of my parents, my mom made me and my dad disappeared.

John Malkovich is like a comedy towel. Everything he touches becomes dry humor

If Himalayas was the mountain of comedy... Everest would be the peak of comedy

Me, practicing my comedy routine and my favorite Central Asian sport simultaneously *\*crickets\**

What is the body’s comedy festival called? Humer us

Stand-up comedy is a great gig for a zombie. Either they are dying up there, or they are killing it.

What do you call a WW2 German Comedy troupe? The Laffwaffe.

Today, I am revealing the three unwritten rules of comedy 1.



What do you call it when you give a gold award to a joke? Comedy gold.

Dark comedy is like clean water. Not everyone gets it.

The government recommends all gatherings of 10 or more people to be canceled in these trying times I'd just like to remind everybody my comedy show is STILL On tonight.

A social activist was performing a standup routine at his local comedy club. He always had trouble getting his message heard, but tonight for some reason, his ideas were really popular. The real comment is always in the jokes

Feminist and comedy are like anti-vaxxers and children. You don't mix the two

You shouldn't do puns at a comedy show They're groaners not showners.

How did the Muslim do at the comedy club? He bombed.

A chicken once tried doing stand up comedy But it got booed off stage for fowl jokes. It's a shame really, it was only avian a laugh.

Comedy is just.... Some antics with semantics

Why don't the Starks watch Comedy Central? They have no Sansa humor.

There is a Monsters Inc Comedy Show in Disney World and you can send in jokes to be included, here's mine (it was included) What's a swamp monster's favorite holiday treat.


I saw Santa Claus perform at a comedy club He sleighed.

I’m polyamorous I’m into white women and into white men

or as I like to say “Poly wants a cracker”

(Credit Jon Gabrus on Comedy Bang Bang)

I was late to a comedy show and the guy on stage said why are you late that's rude I told him sorry it's because my wife is pregnant

He then asked How long till the baby is due

I said about 9 months

I tried doing stand up comedy as a paraplegic It didn’t work out

I am going through a nasty, unmutual divorce because she didn't love me anymore, and my new girlfriend is a paralegal who is helping me file. There is no punchline. I just can't help but laugh at this weird comedy sketch I've been thrust into.

I attended a comedy seminar once... It was horrible, they needed more trees. Because comedy comes in trees.

Comedy Gold. T-Rex: Hey look a shooting star! Make a wish.

Raptor: I wish i was dead lol.

T-Rex: Me too Lmao

Raptor: aye it looks like its getting closer

When do sweet potatoes like to go to the comedy club? Yamateur hour.

They say comedy is tragedy plus time. I guess that means when I turn 40, I should be pretty goddamn funny.

The trouble with comedy I thought seriously about doing stand up comedy, and thought no way, what if they laugh at me?

10 puns entered the annual comedy contest of their town At the end, someone from the audience asked - so who won ?

The judge replied : No pun in ten did

What do you call a Leprechaun in a stand-up routine? Comedy Gold!

I'm opening a Comedy Club on the beach. Comic Sands.

I used to do stand up comedy with former WWE Superstar Rikishi He was the butt of all my jokes

I did a comedy routine for a paraplegics' charity event once I got moderate applause, but I was disappointed when I didn't get a standing ovation.

Apparently doing your homework while watching stand-up comedy is quite difficult You'd have to read in between the lines

Popular Topics

Long Comedy Jokes

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and he loved to tell it every time I saw him. He knew quite a few others too, but this was always my favorite.*

A man is out on a golf course, when he hears someone shout "FORE!"

He looks this way and that but doesn't see the ball, until *WHACK!* He shouts and curses and moans, holding both hands over his crotch.

"Oh, you poor thing!" a woman cries, running over to assist him. She gets on her knees and starts to rub his groin with her hands. "Is that better?"

He shakes his head, so she pulls his pants down and starts rubbing it in earnest. After a few minutes, she smiles and says, "That seemed to help a lot!"

"Oh, it was wonderful!" he says. "But the ball hit my thumb!"

This is for Robin Williams

A man goes to see a doctor. Doctor asks what seems to be the trouble. The man says, "Doc, I'm depressed. Simply, I can't sleep sometimes, I can't eat, I feel down and irritable most days. I just can't feel 'happy.'"

The Doctor says, "I've got the perfect fix for you. In town tonight is the great clown Pagliacci. He's hysterically funny and will make you laugh til you cry. You will experience a joy unprecedented."

The man bursts into tears. The doctor, confused asks why. "Doc, I *am* Pagliacci."

Robin Williams was legendary. He was also human. He had his demons and battled them all his life. I don't like that he's gone, but I understand what he's dealt with. RIP.

Edit: The "joke" ~~is from~~ I saw in Watchmen. It was the first thing I thought of upon hearing about his death and that it was as a result of a suicide. I don't have the words to rationalize my posting it. I'm just saddened immensely by his loss for I, like many others, loved Robin for his comedy and respected him for who he was as a person.

I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.

As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.

When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'.

I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :)

Great success.

The comedian

Once there was a very popular comedian named Thomas. He was well-known throughout the world, and was frequently invited to talk shows and events to perform.

The thing that made him stand out from the other comedians is that his jokes were extremely offensive. When you attend a Thomas show, you're gonna get insulted. But, this is why the world loved him. He could hurl insults at an astonishing pace, and had racist jokes up his sleeve for every occasion. He enjoyed his job, and the people enjoyed him.

However, a lesser known fact about Thomas is that he had a brother named Steve. As kids, they loved to tell jokes to each other, but Steve was much kinder, and told more harmless, family-friendly jokes. While thomas dropped out of college to pursue his comedy career, Steve decided to continue to study.

One day, he was having a difficult time making his audience laugh. His jokes barely squeezed out a chuckle at all from the crowd. Suddenly, he saw a familliar face. It was Steve! Right when he had his break, he quickly ran up to him.

"My brother! Its so good to see you again. What have you been up to these days?" Thomas asked.

"Ah nothing much. Once I finished college, I got a job at some studio. Say, would you mind if I went up to crack a few jokes? I think I know how to make these guys laugh." Steve replied.

"Be my guest! Head right on up the stage."

When Steve got onto the stage and started speaking, an amazing thing happened. The audience was laughing much louder than when Thomas was on stage! After every joke, roars of laughed followed. But Steve's jokes weren't insults! In fact, they were lovely compliments, yet the crowd seemed to absolutely adore Steve's jokes.

At the end of the show, Steve took a bow and left. Thomas hurriedly went up to him.

"Steve! That was incredible! How ever did you make them laugh like that?" Thomas exclaimed.

"Simple," Steve began,"these people are redditors, and I instantly knew..."

There was a comedy club called "The Joke"...

...that had amazing popularity. It wasn't because of the humor the comedians on stage offered, but due to an extremely delicious fruit punch that the establishment sold. It was so popular that people would gather into a queue around the block just to try the stuff. After a while, however, people stopped coming because of the crowding, and the club went out of business. If only the Joke's punch line wasn't so long...

The comedy industry is ridiculously sexist.

Zach Galifinakis can tell a joke to a full theatre and the audience would love it. If Amy Schumer told the same joke a week later in the same theatre to the same audience, she'd be accused of stealing material

A man went searching for the perfect joke...

He went to the best comedy clubs in his city and listened for days. He heard some great things, but nothing he could call perfect.

He journeyed to Hollywood, and tracked down the best comedic actors and screenwriters. Each one, eager for the honor of creating the perfect joke, gave him their best material. But nothing submitted was ever good enough.

Just as he was about to despair, an old legendary comic pulled him close and whispered a location in his ear. The man nodded and booked a plane for Nepal. There, he searched and searched among the Himalayas until he came to a tiny temple. Inside the temple sat a monk with a kind face, weathered by laugh lines. The man fell to his knees and begged the monk for the perfect joke.

"I have heard millions of jokes!" the man cried. "None were perfect!"

"There is only one **real** joke," the monk replied. "The rest are merely illusions."

"Then where can I find this joke?" the man asked, his face filling with hope.

The monk smiled.

"The real joke is in the comments."

A man goes to the comedian's banquet . . .

A man goes to the local comedian's annual banquet with a friend who is a professional comic. The dinner begins and pretty soon a man rises to his feet, gets everyone's attention and says "32."
The room erupts in laughter and the man sits back down. A while later, another comic rises at another table, the crowd quiets down to hear what he has to say, and he announces "17" and the place goes crazy with laughter.
This happens a few more times with assorted numbers killing the audience when finally the non-comic attendee leans over to his friend and asks, "What the heck is going on? What's so funny about numbers?" The friend explains, "We're all comedians here and we've all been in comedy so long, and all know the same jokes so well, that we've numbered them in order to save time. So, now instead of telling a long, drawn-out joke with a setup and punchline, we just say the number of the joke we want to tell and everyone here knows it."
The new guy thinks about this and thinks, this is great, I can say a number and make a whole room full of professional comedians laugh. I can't pass up this opportunity.
After a reasonable lull, the new guy rises, clears this throat and says "24." There is a stony silence and he sits back down. He takes a drink and leans over to his friend and asks, "what happened?!"
His friend just shakes his head and says, "That joke's a classic, but your timing stinks."

A monk joins a monestary...

And the number one rule of the monestary is that you may only speak two words every 10 years.

So on the first day, the monk walks up to the head monk, with a bowl of food in his hand. He points to the bowl and says 'food cold'.

The head monk nods his head and doesn't say a word. The monk then leaves with his bowl of food and returns 10 years later. He walks up to the head monk and points to his heart, 'heart hurts' he says. Again, the head monk simply nods his head and the monk leaves the room.

Another 10 years pass. the monk walks up to the head monk and says, 'I quit!' To which the head monk replies, 'I'm not surprised, you've been bitching since the first day you got here.'

Heard this joke on a comedy radio station, don't remember the comedian though.

Another blonde joke

A famous ventriloquist is doing a comedy show with his puppet, where he and the puppet chat and the puppet tells the jokes. At one point in the show, the puppet tells a whole string of the usual blonde jokes, which has the audience roaring with laughter.

But one woman isn't having it. She stands up and speaks with a loud voice: 'Those jokes aren't funny! It's all about how blondes are so stupid, ditzy and dumb. I'm blonde and this really insults me!'

The ventriloquist replies 'I'm sorry miss, I didn't know the jokes would offend you so'...

He is cut off: 'I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU! I was talking to that little dude on your lap!'

A ventriloquist does a comedy show at a bar and makes a lot of jokes about blondes. A blonde lady stands up all feminazi and goes on a tirade.

"Blonde jokes are dehumanizing and offensive not only to blond people but to females like me. You are one of the reasons why we can't move up the corporate ladder and people look at us like we're dumb!

"It is unfair that you should brand blonds as intellectually incapable and dumb because we are very far from it.

"I just got my Master's degree and I still see jokes about blonds like this! This is sick! It is not funny!"

The ventriloquist starts apologizing but the blonde feminazi shuts him up. She says,

"Sir, do not make excuses for that man sitting on your lap. I was talking to him, not you."

The Joke

A friend sent me this one.

There was a comedy club called “The Joke” that had amazing popularity. It wasn't because of the humor the comedians on stage offered, but due to an extremely delicious fruit punch that the establishment sold. It was so popular that people would gather into a line around the block just to try the stuff. After a while, however, people stopped coming because of the crowding, and the club went out of business.

If only The Joke's punch line wasn't so long...

I broke comedy class etiquette

After enrolling in comedy class, I turned up on the first day eager to impress. To my delight, the comedy school provided snacks and refreshments for pre class socialising. They had breakfast pastries, bacon rolls, fruit punch and OJ.

I'd already eaten breakfast and only wanted some punch, but the line was already huge! I know it's bad etiquette, but is skipping the punch line really that wrong?

Fonzie Jokes: Guaranteed to solicit awkward groans in any social gathering.

Do you often find yourself thinking "what this social gathering needs is some awkward silence!" Well, you have come to the right place. these jokes are 10,000% guaranteed to get you all the groans and derrisive stares you want, guaranteed or your karma back!

Here is collection of comedy gold I've developed over the years.

Whats The Fonz's favorite baseball team?
The Oakland Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy's

What sexually transmitted disease did The Fonz contract?
Hepatitis Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
(Eyyyyyyyyyd's also works)

What's The Fonz's favorite country?
The U-S-of-Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Feel free to make up your own, its the gift that keeps on giving!

Driving to work...

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."


This joke was email to me by a Comedy Defensive Driving class I took to take care of a speeding ticket (three years ago).

An audio technician becomes a comedian

An audio technician is on stage at an open mic night in a comedy club.

He seems to be absolutely crushing the audience with witty and outrageous jokes.

At the end of his time he gets to do a mic drop.

That was the last night he ever did comedy.

The feedback ruined it.

A man is very worried about the future...

Anxious with fright, he visits the village soothsayer and asks him what the future holds.

''Hold your hand out for me.''

The man does as requested and the soothsayer looks at the hand, the shapes and patterns intriguing him. A bit cautiously he says ''Your mother in law will die very soon.''

''I know that already! Just tell me if the police will able to catch me or not!''

(I was watching an Afghan comedy show and this joke came up! :)

A years worth of jokes

Every week a guy I work with sends out jokes, here is a years worth.

Oldest to Newest

Q.)Why did the musician drop a bolder on the building where he was supposed to play?

A.)He wanted to rock the joint

Q.)Why didn't the rancher let the cowboy near his horse?

A.)Because the cowboy was a bronco buster

Q.)Why are mallards good at dodge ball?

A.)They can duck

Q.)Why are heavy set gentlemen so brave?

A.)Because they have a lot of guts

Q.)Why don't cars have a problem with motivation?

A.)Because they are driven

Holiday bonus

Q.)What is a Christmas gift's biggest fear?

A.)A tapeworm

Q.)Why is the inch high Private Eye angry all the time?

A.)Because he is short with everyone

Q.)How do you tell if a light bulb is dumb?

A.)If it isn't very bright

Holiday Bonus

Q.)What kind of weather should you expect at the North Pole during Christmas?

A.)Snow and Reindeer (rain deer)

Q.)What do you call it when you cover someone with cherries?

A.)Berried (buried)

Q.)Why do lions think highly of themselves?

A.)Because they have a pride (group of lions is a pride)

Christmas Eve Bonus

Q.)Where does Santa put his money?

A.)The snow bank

Q.)Why are Olympic track silver medal winners always late?

A.)Because they are running behind

Q.)What did the carpenter say when they ask him if he was going to keep using Elmer's Glue?

A.)I have to. I am stuck with it.

Q.)What did the critic say in his review of the play put on by onions?

A.)It brought him to tears

Q.)Why was the farmer angry?

A.)He had a cow

Q.)Why is your under arm so depressed?

A.)Because it is just the pits

Q.)How much is a male deer worth?

A.)A buck

Q.)Why were the subjects wary of the fat bossy king?

A.)He liked to throw his weight around

Q.)Why did the enthusiastic party goer strap himself to TNT?

A.)He wanted to have a blast

Q.)Why were the butcher's goods so cheap?

A.)Because they were at cut rate prices

Q.)Why did the baker go out to the garden?

A.)He needed some flower

Q.)Why did the balding man take off his pants after coming from the doctor's office?

A.)The doctor told him hair loss was in his jeans (genes)

Q.)What kind of questions do pyromaniacs ask?

A.)Burning questions

Q.)Why are authors who crochet so anxious?

A.)Because they are on pins and needles

Q.)What do well read fishermen use as bait?


Q.)Why is the Goodyear mascot always yawning?

A.)Because he's tired

Q.)Why did the security conscious individual put his valuables in his shoe?

A.)Because they said Foot Locker on them

Q.)Why did the artist use a blue pen to end all his sentences?

A.)Because he was in his blue period

Q.)What did a new IPod say to another one that was leaving?

A.)Stay in touch

Q.)What did the candidate suffer when all the ballets that elected his opponent fell on him?

A.)A crushing defeat

Q.)What kind of books does the Golden Gate Bridge read?

A.)Suspense novels

Q.)What kind of clothing do car engines wear?

A.)A hoodie

Current Events Bonus

Q.)Why don't some people like revolutions?

A.)Because they are revolting

Q.)Why are caves not satisfied with life?

A.)Because they are hollow inside

Q.)What do you call a shrub that someone threw a can of rat poison into?

A.)A brush with death

Q.)What do you call a door bell someone has shot?

A.)A dead ringer

Q.)Why did the farmer start feeding his cow money instead of hay?

A.)Because he wanted a cash cow

Q.)Why did the computer user install an air bag on his PC?

A.)In case it crashed

Q.)Why do conspiracy theorists camp around & watch the kitchen table?

A.)Because they often see saucers there

Q.)Why did the police officer make sure to take his hand cuffs when he jumped out of the plane without a parachute?

A.)Because he wanted to arrest the fall

Q.)Why did the psychiatrist search through the lost & found?

A.)His patients had lost their minds

Q.)Why did the fighter pilot paint his jet?

A.)He felt it was too plane (plain)

Q.)While the spy was being chased by the villain, why did he stop over a hole in the road?

A.)He was disguising himself as a manhole cover

Q.)Why did the candidate bring a large group of cattle with him to the debate?

A.)So he would be heard

Q.)Why did the insane asylum stop transporting patients to the facility in vehicles?

A.)People were being driven mad

Q.)Why did the police officer shoot the fleeing suspect in the ear?

A.) Because he was in ear shot

Q.)How did the ATF officer know the gun runner was nervous?

A.)He was sweating bullets

36 IS bonus

Q.)How do PPM analysts prefer to listen to music?

A.)In stereo

Q.)Why do women find small private planes offensive?

A.)Because of all the Leers (Leer Jets)

Q.)What do you call an octopus that is holding steak knife?

A.)Armed and dangerous

Nerd Bonus

A.)What kind of music does the sun listen to?

B.)Soul (the star we know as the sun is called Sol)

Q.)Why did the intoxicated gentleman continual try to pour the young lady into his glass?

A.)Because her name was brandy

Q.)What do you call a container that usually holds water or propane but instead is crammed full of Mensa candidates?

A.)A think tank

Q.)Where are most of surveys in the world taken?


Q.)Why are snowmen constantly in doctor's office?

A.)Because they always have head colds

Q.)Why don't car salesmen go driving?

A.)They would end up with the Benz (Mercedes-Benz)

Q.)What is the Color Guard's favorite month of the year?


Q.)Why don't ants make computers?

A.)Because there would be too many bugs in the systems

Q.)Why don't Red Cross reps go to rock quarries to get blood donations?

A.)Because they don't want to try to get blood from a stone

Q.)Why aren't lions, pumas, and tigers bothered when people go to the big cat reserve at the zoo?

A.)Because they're never spotted

Q.)Why don't nice guys mind playing Russian Roulette?

A.)Because nice guys finished last

Military Bonus

Q.)What is the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps favorite Flock of Seagulls song?

A.) I Ran (IRGC is a branch of the Iranian Military)

Q.)What kinds of sickness do shepherds suffer from?

A.)Staff infections

Q.)Why did the retired undertakers take up dealing colored cloth?

A.)He needs to be around things that were dyed

Q.)What do you call jokes told by a farmers?


Q.)What kind of sickness are cows always coming down with?

A.)Hay fever

Q.)What sores do Roman troops have in large numbers?

A.)Lesions (Legions)

Q.)What kind of sickness do people who wear business shirts get?

A.)Collaria (Cholera)

Military Bonus

Q.)What do analysts, who have been in a cold sweat, do at the end of a tasker?

A.)A hot wash

Q.)Why do hair dressers make good detectives?

A.)Because they know to comb through the evidence

Q.)Why are fat people elected as judges more often than skinny people?

A.)Because they want people to weigh in on the topics and decided the weightier matters

Nerd Bonus

Q.)What kind of pants does Mario prefer?

A.)Denim, denim, denim.....denim, denim, denim (say it quickly)

Q.)Why don't people with bananas go to food fights?

A.)Because they're yellow

Q.)What is a mathematician's favorite art form?

A.)Paint by numbers

Q.)Why don't Texas Instruments make their products out of metal?

A.)Because then they would be cold and calculating

Q.)Why was the alligator mad at his victim when he was still in disbelief after the alligator chomped off his lower torso?

A.)Because he was no longer pulling his leg

Q.)What would explorer Ponce de León have said if he had found the Fountain of Youth?

A.)I fount it

Q.)Why would Einstein never allow a clone to be made of him?

A.)Because then he would be 2 smart for his own good.

America Bonus

Q.) Why are there no knock knock jokes about America?

A.) Because Freedom rings

Q.)Why shouldn't people be upset about water spots?

A.)Because it should just wash out

Q.) Where might officers prefer to work?

A.) In the office

Q.) What on what type of TV does the last state of matter like to watch programing?

A.) A plasma screen

Q.)What do farmers say when they want people to look at their geese?

A.)Take a gander

Q.)Why do pilots consider birds cowardly?

A.)Because they are always taking flight

Nerd joke

Q.) What kind of phone does Steven Hawking use?

A.) A smart phone

Q.)Why do passengers find aircraft that they are on to be boring?

A.)Because they are just plain (plane)

Q.)What do you call a magician that levitates silverware?

A.)A fork-lift

Q.)Why do construction crews eat ice cream with a fork?

A.)Because there are forks in their rocky-road

Q.) Why are cheerleaders on the bottom of the pyramid smarter than the ones at the top?

A.) Because they understand

Q.)What do you call world news that is transmitted electronically?

A.) Current events

Q.)Why do mathematicians prefer pencils over pens?

A.)They are all about graphite

Bonus joke

Q.) What do you call a dog that brings you the door from a Chemical R&D building?

A.) A Labradoor Retriever

Q.)Why do bananas get traffic tickets when they drive their vehicles?

A.)Because they like to peel out before they split

Q.)Why can't rulers send correspondence without visiting the beach?

A.)Because the letters need a seal

Q.) What is Sherlock Holmes' favorite game to play?

A.) Win, Lose, or Draw a conclusion

Q.)Why do chickens often suffer from cabin fever?

A.)Because they are always being cooped-up

Q.)What do you call an Olympian who starts chocking on his dinner during the 200 yard dash?

A.)A running gag

Bonus joke

Q.) Why do parties end and individuals become depressed when people name Al leave?

A.) Because there is no morale (no more al)

Q.)Why aren't taxidermists allowed to take part in political debates?

A.)Because they are always beating a dead horse

Q.)Why do banks around volcanoes that have exploded have no money?

A.)Because they gone through bankruptcy

Bonus joke

Q.)Why was the patient sore at the dentist?

A.)Because he struck a nerve

Q.)Why don't salary employees like to work while sitting on hour-glasses?

A.)Because that's overtime

Q.)After the boy scouts got setup to spend the night in the woods, why did Billy set the tents on fire?

A.)He wanted a camp fire

Military Bonus

Q.)What is a CDE analyst's favorite dance?

A.) The CHA CHA (Collateral Hazard Area)

Q.)Why don't the other geometric shapes hang out with cubes?

A.)Because they are really square

Q.)Why aren't mustangs taken seriously?

A.)Because they're always horsing around

Q.)Why don't paranoid math students want to do geometry problems on graph paper?

A.)Because then they would be on the grid

Q.)Why did the shark get friendly with the bait?

A.)Because he wanted to be chums

Q.)Why don't tailors get along?

A.)Because they are always sizing each other up

Q.)Why did they not want to have battles during the day in medieval times?

A.)Because then you couldn't have any knights

Q.)Why are knights often picked for tasks involving combat?

A.)Because they are well suited (suite of armor)

Q.)Why are bus drivers always in favor of a revolution?

A.)Because they are always asking for exact change

Current Events Bonus

Q.)Why was the CDC employee quarantined after playing a game of electronic bowling?

A.)Because Ebola is deadly

Q.)Why do they throw rainbows out of comedy clubs?

A.)Because they tell colored jokes

Q.)Why do people get depressed after they eat peaches?

A.)Because then it's the pits

Q.)What is the preferred method of communication for MMA fighters?

A.)They like to TAPOUT messages in Morse Code

Q.)Why do jockeys like to drive cars?

A.)Because of all that horse power

Q.)Why do stallions dread public speaking?

A.)Because they are always horse

Holiday Bonus

Q.)Why aren't turkeys hungry on Thanksgiving?

A.)Because they are usually stuffed

Q.)What did the 911 operator do when do when she heard that the caller was dangling from a high height?

A.)She told him to please hold

Q.)Why do other circus acts dislike the high-wire performers?

A.)Because they think they're uppity

Q.)Why did the entrepreneur move his merchandise outside?

A.)Because he wanted to outsell the competition

Q.)What did the tourists say about the world's largest glass house after it was broken?

A.)It's not all it's cracked up to be

Q.)What do you get for the person who has everything?


Q.)What was Strategic Air Command's favorite part of Christmas?

A.) Mistletoe (Missile toe)

I tried to come up with a math joke...

but all my ideas were derivative
and the punchline didn't add up.
Anyway, comedy has no absolute value.
Your jokes are sum of the best,
but minus not very funny
because I'm a perfect square.
I halve one, I guess...
but you're too obtuse to get it,
and trying to simplify it
has left me divided
and at my limit.

Two friends are talking in a bar...

Their names are Fred and Michael. They've known each other for a while, 15 years roughly. So they feel pretty comfortable with each other talking about more...sensitive topics. On this occasion, Fred decided to ask Michael about his son as it was something that had been nagging him for a while but he didn't want to pressure Michael into talking about him and his ex if it was too soon. But keeping the question 'bottled up' for so long had proven too great. It was something he needed to know.

Fred: "Michael, I'm sorry if this is a touchy area, but I've always wondered: how come your kid ended up living with your ex after the divorce?"

Michael paused, his smile fading slightly as he lowered his glass of beer and turned to Fred.

Michael: "*sigh* Well, to put it bluntly, the court ruled that I was 'violent' and 'unstable', an unfit father."

Fred was obviously shocked by this revelation, exclaiming, "What?! You, violent or unstable? I've never heard such nonsense. I don't think I've ever ever met anyone as kind and even-tempered as you."

Michael continued, saying, "Well, Mary told this story to the court about how I came home late one night. I was tired and annoyed by my long day at work. I sensed a sneering, a mocking in Mary's tone. I don't know, I must have flipped. I grabbed the first thing at hand and since we were standing in the kitchen and I was in front of the fridge, I...I emptied a bowl of trifle over her."

"...Ah. So she got custardy."

For those wondering, I didn't really come up with this, not entirely at least. This is a modified version of a sketch on the British comedy show, A Bit Of Fry And Laurie. I've seen this particular joke and this sketch so many times, I decided to make my own version and post it here.

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