What's The Difference Jokes

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Funniest What's The Difference Jokes

Funny What's The Difference Jokes

What's the difference between me and Jimmy Fallon? I can get through a Jimmy Fallon sketch without laughing.

What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four

What's the difference between a casino and a church? You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team? A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

I asked my boss "what's the difference between your wife and tomorrow?" "I'm not coming in tomorrow"


Haven't seen this one here so if it's been posted before I'm sorry

What's the difference between USA and USB? One connects to your devices and accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard.

What's the difference between England and Viagra? Viagra can get you past a semi

What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus? One's a crustacean, the other's a crushed Asian.

What's the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Iraqi preschool? I have no idea, I just fly the drone.

What's the difference between Thailand and America? Thailand reunites boys with their families.

What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of is paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

What's the difference between a pizza and a hippy chick? You don't peel the crust off the pizza before you eat it

What's the difference between jam and jelly? I ain't never been caught in a traffic jelly.
*Slaps knee*

What's the difference between a religion and a cult? In a cult, there is someone on top that knows it is all bullshit.

In a religion that person is dead.

What's the difference between USA and USB? One connects to all your devices and accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard.

What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels comes alive when you add Coke.

Edit: certainly didn't expect this to get so many votes or make it to the front page.

What's the difference between an actress and a hooker. That's not a very good defence Mr Weinstein.

What's the difference between USA and USB? One has standards

What's the difference between Hitler and Logan Paul? Hitler knew when to kill himself.

What's the difference between communism and a pencil? The pencil works on things other than paper.

What's the difference between a good joke and A bad joke timing

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo.

What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? Acne waits untill a boy's 12 before it comes on his face.

What's the difference between tuna, a piano and glue? You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.

What's the difference between everybody and bullets? Everybody misses Harambe.

What's the difference between Trump becoming president and a soldier dying in combat? The soldier knew what he signed up for.

What's the difference between Jimmy Fallon and myself? I can get through a Jimmy Fallon joke without laughing.

What's the difference between a joke and two dicks? Your mom can't take a joke

What's the difference between USA and USB? One connects to all your devices & accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard

What's the difference between a feminist and a gun? A gun has only one trigger.

What's the difference between america and a bottle of milk? In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture

What's the difference between your mom and a mosquito? Your mom doesn't stop sucking when I smack her

What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit? Oranges have thick skin.

Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!

Edit: Did not expect this joke to get this good of a reception. Thanks, guys!

What's the difference between American girls and Middle Eastern girls? American girls get stoned BEFORE they commit adultery.

What's the difference between me and cancer My dad didn't beat cancer

What's the difference between tuna, glue and a piano? You can tuna piano but you can't piano tuna!

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck.

Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!

What's the difference between a cheetah and a comma? A cheetah has claws at the end of its paws, and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause

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New What's The Difference Jokes

What's the difference between Donald Trump and Barack Obama? One gets made fun of for the color of his skin, and the other is Barack Obama!

What's the difference between a Shakespeare comedy and Fox News? One's The Taming of the Shrew, the other is the shaming of the true.

What's the difference between a pizza and a musician? A pizza can feed a family of four.

What's the difference between America and yogurt? If you leave yogurt alone it will eventually develop culture.

What's the difference between a BMW and an elephant. Elephant has a trunk up front and a**hole in the back.

Do you know what's the difference between toilet paper and the shower curtain? No?

SO IT WAS YOU!!!

What's the difference between 4-layer toilet paper and a liberal arts major? You don't find 4-layer toilet paper at McDonalds!

What's the difference between police officers and pizza delivery drivers? Pizza delivery drivers actually face consequences when their jobs aren't done right.

What's the difference between a school bus and a cactus? A cactus keeps the little pricks on the outside.

What's the difference between CoVID-19 and Romeo and Juliet? One's a Coronavirus, the other is a Verona Crisis.

What's the difference between someone from Dubai and someone from Abu Dhabi? People from Dubai don't like The Flintstones but those in Abu Dhabi do.

What's the difference between Wuhan and Vegas? What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is quite heavy

The other is a little lighter

What's the difference between a well-dressed person on a unicycle or a poorly-dressed person on a bicycle? Attire

What's the difference between butter and the corona virus? Corona actually spreads

What's the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas? What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

What's the difference between a warm sweet potato and a thrown pig? One is a heated yam, the other is a yeeted ham.

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I'll see myself out

What's the difference between kung pao and the coronavirus? One's Chinese take out, the other takes out Chinese.

What's the difference between a scientist and plumber? The way they pronounce unionized

What's the difference between a 20 dollar steak and a 55 dollar steak? February 14th

What's the difference between choking fetish and necrophilia? About 15 seconds

What's the difference between the 1920s and 2020s? Depression happens at the start of the decade now.

What's the difference between your life and a pencil? The Pencil has a point.

A true work question I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?"

He answered, "I don't know."

I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."

What's the difference between a velodrome and a palindrome? For one, you have to use a bicycle. For the other, you can use a race car.

What's the difference between a politician and a serial killer? The serial killer might listen if you plead with them

What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion? An electron.


I'll see myself out now

What's the difference between a genie and an academic? One grants wishes, the other wishes for grants.

What's the difference between a toilet bowl and a soup bowl? If you had to click to find out, I'm never having soup at your place.

What's the difference between anti-vaxx kids, and kids in an American school? One dies from not getting shots.

The other dies from getting shot.

What's the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? One takes things literally; the other takes things, literally.

What's the difference between a woman and a computer? A computer doesn't laugh at a 3.5" floppy.

What's the difference between an Al Qaeda base and a Pakistan school? I don't know man, I just fly the drone

What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poor man on a unicycle? attire.

What's the difference between a kleptomaniac and a literalist? The literalist takes things literally. The kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

What's the difference between a rimshot and a rimjob? One goes *ba dum tss* and the other is da bum kiss.

What's the difference between my husband and Gollum? A ring actually means something to Gollum.

What's the difference between a drone and an aircraft with 283 passengers on board? You don't start a war when an aircraft with 283 passengers is shot down.

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? One looks at the family tree and the other examines the family bush.

What's the difference between a tuna, a piano, and an owl? You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna.

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Long What's The Difference Jokes

Dark jokes

1. Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is

2. What's the worst part about breaking up with a japanese person? You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message

3. What did kermit the frog say at Jim henson's funeral? Nothing

4. What's white on top and black on the bottom? Society

5. What's the difference between john wayne and jack daniels? Jack daniels is still killing indians

6. Penn State moved the Jerry Sandusky statue to the library. When you see him, you have to stay quiet.

7. Why does dr pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead

8. What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?
I wouldn't pay 40 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

9. What is the last thing a redneck says before he dies? Hold my beer

10. Who's the opposite of christopher reeves? Christopher walkin

11. What's the difference between usian bolt and hitler? Usian bolt can finish a race

12. Why did princess diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seatbelt

13. How many potatoes does it take to kill an irishman? Zero

14. What did the left tower say to the right tower? Can't talk right now, gotta catch a flight

15. Why are suicide jokes long? Cause people who commited suicide lived shorter

16. What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion? People cry when they cut up an onion

17. What did the disabled boy get for christmas? Cancer

What's the difference between a physicist and an engineer?

An engineer and a physicist are roommates. One day a fire starts in the kitchen. The engineer is the only one home. He hears the alarm jumps out of bed grabs the fire extinguisher off the wall and puts out the fire and goes back to bed.

The next night a fire starts in the kitchen again. This time the physicist is the only one home. The physicist gets out of bed and sees the fire. He looks at the wall and sees a fire extinguisher. He then goes back to bed happy knowing that a solution exists.

A Jewish man and a Chinese man strike up a conversation...

Before long they're arguing...

Jewish man: "You know what? I hate you."

Chinese man: "For what?"

Jewish man: "Pearl Harbor!"

Chinese man: "That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese!"

Jewish man: "eh, Japanese, Chinese what's the difference?"

Chinese man: "Well, you kow what? I hate you."

Jewish man: "For what?!?"

Chinese man: "The Titanic!"

Jewish man: "An iceberg sunk the Tatanic!"

Chinese man: "eh, Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

A Jewish man and a Chinese man are in a bar...

A Jewish man and a Chinese man are in a bar. Suddenly, the Jewish man punches the Chinese man in the face.

"Ow! Why did you do that?" asks he Chinese man.

"That's for Pearl Harbor," says the Jewish man.

"But the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. I'm Chinese!" says the Chinese man.

"Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" asks the Jewish man.

So the Chinese man punches the Jewish man.

"Ow! What's that for?" asks the Jewish man.

"It's for the Titanic," says the Chinese man.

"What? That was an iceberg that brought down the Titanic!" says the Jewish man.

"Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

Math hole told to me 20 years ago by a professor

What's the difference between a physicist and mathematician?

There's a pot of water on the table and both the physicist and mathematician are asked to boil it. The physicist picks it up, puts it on the range, and lights the burner. The mathematicians picked it up, puts it on the range, and lights the burner.

Next the pot is placed on the floor with the same instructions. The physicist once again picks it up, places it on the range, and lights the burner. The mathematician picks it up and puts it on the table, thus reducing it to a problem that's already been solved.

This is my dad's (a math major) favourite joke. What's the difference between an Engineer and a Mathematician?

A mathematician and an engineer are living together in a dorm when a fire starts in their room.

The mathematician wakes up and sees the fire. He quickly scans the room and sees a fire extinguisher and goes back to bed, happy knowing a solution exists.

The engineer wakes up, sees the fire and uses the extinguisher to put it out.

A man rolls thru a STOP sign and a cop pulls him over

"I pulled you over because you failed to stop at that stop sign. You only slowed down."


"Slow down... stop... what's the difference?"


The cop pulls the man out of his car and begins beating him with his nightstick.

"Now you tell me whether you want me to stop... or slow down."

*This joke was told to me by a police officer, which made it kinda scary.

A Chinese man and a Jew are talking

The Jew says "I still haven't forgiven your people for attacking Pearl Harbor."

To which the Chinese man replies, "That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese you idiot!"

The Jew says "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?"

Then the Chinese man says "You know, I haven't forgiven your people for sinking that Titanic."

Shocked, the Jew replies "That was an iceberg you idiot!"

To which the Chinese man says "Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

---

I didn't write this joke but it's always funny when I see it. Thought I'd share.

A Korean and a Jew

Jew: Hey... weren't you people responsible for Pearl Harbor?

Korean: Uh... that was the Japanese. I'm Korean.

Jew: Pffft, Japanese, Chinese, Korean. What's the difference?

Korean: Well wait, weren't you people responsible for sinking the Titanic?

Jew: Uh... that was an iceberg.

Korean: Pffft, Rosenberg, Goldberg, iceberg... What's the difference?

What's the difference between a traffic light and a banana?

With a traffic light, green means go, yellow means wait, and red means stop.

But with a banana, green means wait, yellow means go, and red means OH MY GOD, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR BANANA!?!

(courtesy of my 12 yr old)

*EDIT: Ok, so apparently, this is courtesy of my favorite comedian, Mitch Hedberg, who made a funny that my daughter heard somehow in the last week. Also apparently, I need to be a bigger Mitch Hedberg fan because I had never heard this one before.

Four musicians and a drummer walk into a bar. (Drummer jokes!)

How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
*The knocking speeds up and he doesn't know where to come in.*

How do you get the drummer away from your door?
*Pay for the pizza.*

What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
*Gifted.*

Why did the bassist keep drumsticks on his dashboard?
*So he could park in the handicap spot.*

What's the difference between a drummer and a pizza?
*A pizza can feed a family of four.*

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
*Ten: one to change it, and nine to say how Neil Peart would have done it better*.

A Jewish man and a Chinese man strike up a conversation

Before long they're arguing.

Jewish man: "You know what? I hate you."

Chinese man: "Why?"

Jewish man: "Pearl Harbor!"

Chinese man: "That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese!"

Jewish man: "Japanese, Chinese what's the difference?"

Chinese man: "Well, you know what? I hate you."

Jewish man: "Why?"

Chinese man: "The Titanic!"

Jewish man: "An iceberg sunk the Titanic!"

Chinese man: "Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

If airlines sold paint (from Car Talk)

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 differentprices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of thatweek and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be *...%^#@* kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sellonly a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by theway, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds oftimes a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with yourpaint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint assoon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll haveenough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don'tuse it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint youalready have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom,hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do thebedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? IAlready paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea thatall our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts ofproblems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happensif I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallonyou bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these "Paint on sale from $10 alitre" signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon tocomplete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels,some are empty and there are norefunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: I can't believe this! I'll buy what I need somewhereelse!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint forYour bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room fromsomeone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairwayfrom anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in onlyone direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at whichYou started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paintin one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the differenceon your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

What's the difference between a mad engineer and a mad scientist?

The mad engineer builds an efficient, well-desined death ray and destroys the world in one blow.

The mad scientist builds his death ray and divides the world into three randomised groups: an experimental group to be killed, a control group to be spared and a group that is told they are dead to account for the placebo effect.

Theory vs. Reality

A boy is watching TV with his father when someone on the show mentions "theory and reality".

The boy asks his father, "Dad what's the difference between theory and reality?"

The father thinks to himself for a moment and says, "Thats a great question son! The best way I could explain it to you is like this... go ask your sister if she would sleep with the neighbor for a million dollars"

The boy, while confused, goes and asks his sister.
When he returns he says, "She said she would definitely sleep with the neighbor for a million dollars. "

The Dad then says, "Ok, now go ask your mother if she'd sleep with the neighbor for a million dollars"

When the boy returns, he says "Dad! Mom said she'd sleep with the neighbor for a million dollars too! But I still dont understand the difference between theory and reality?"

The Dad chuckles to himself and says, "Son, the best way to explain it to you is like this, in theory we would be millionaires, but in reality we're living with a bunch of whores"

A boy ask his father "what's the difference between theory and reality?"

Well son go ask your mother if she would sleep with a stranger for 1 million dollars.
So the boy ask the mother "mom would you sleep with a stranger for 1 million dollars?" The mom says "well I guess I would son." The boy goes back to his dad and tells him what she said his father says "now go ask your sister if she'd sleep with a stranger for 1 million dollars." Okay dad. So the boy ask his sister the same question. She says "well I guess I would" so the boy goes back to his dad and tells him. The dad says see there it is, in theory we are sitting on 2 million dollars but in reality we just live with two whores.

7 mildly offensive jokes

**What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? **

A speech impediment.

**What's the Cuban National Anthem? **

Row row row your boat.

**What's the fastest way to a man's heart? **

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

**Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby? **

They named him Sum Ting Wong.

**Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? **

Because those men already have boyfriends.

**What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? **

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

**What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? **

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What's the difference between a person falling off 10th floor and 1st floor of a building?

The person falling of the 10th floor would sound like "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" *THUD*

The person falling of the 1st floor would sound like *THUD* "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Little johnny was asking his dad

J: Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential

D: Well, it's difficult to explain, so let me give you an example. You are my son - I'm confident about that.

J: How about confidential?

D: You see our neighbour little Timmy over there? He's my son - that's confidential

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