Water Jokes

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse, I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water. I know he means well.

How can you tell whether an ant is a boy or girl? Put the ant in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats, buoyant!

I got the words 'jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' mixed up the other day Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia

Bought a pen the other day that can write under water It can write other words too

You know you can tell the difference between a boy and a girl ant by putting it in water? If it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If it floats, it’s buoyant

If you wanna find the gender of an ant, put it in water. If it drowns, it’s a girl ant. If it floats, it’s buoyant.

Do you know how you can find out the gender of an ant? If you put it in the water and the ant sinks, it’s a girl ant. However if it doesn’t sink, it’s buoyant.

There's an easy way to tell an ants gender Put in on water. If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.

The plumber found a blunt in my faucet today. No wonder my water bills are so high.

My friend keeps trying to cheer me up He keeps saying "Cheer up, man! It could be worse! You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well.

Just found out watermelons are 92% water...... In completely unrelated news, I'm never eating another kumquat.

My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water” I know he means well

What did the egg say to the boiling water? Don't expect me to get hard in three minutes, I just got laid this morning!

I spent all day bobbing up and down in the water It's been my dream ever since I was a little buoy.

RIP boiled water 2017-2017 You will be Mist.

I'm at the beach with my friend. He's a huge prankster. He's just gone way out into the water with some of that red food colouring.

Hasn't moved for about ten minutes. Brilliant.

They say that coconut water is good for hair. Now, I understand why my pubes are growing like crazy recently.

At a job interview, I sat down at at the table and in front of me was a pitcher of water and an empty cup. I poured too much and the cup started to overflow. "Nervous?" The interviewer asked me.
"No," I responded, "I always give 110%"

I spent all day yesterday bobbing up and down in the water. It's all I've ever wanted to do since I was a little buoy.

My wife said to me the other day "For the last time I am on my period and I am NOT getting into the water to swim!" She totally ruined my shark fishing trip.

During a job interview yesterday, I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly. "Nervous?" asked the interviewer.


"No," I said. "I always give 110%"

What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water? Give me 5 minutes to get hard - I just got laid.

What did the egg say to the boiling water? "Not sure I can get hard..just got laid 10 minutes ago"

He asked for a bottle of still water. I handed him sparkling.
He said 'I asked for still water - this is sparkling.'
'Yeah - but it's still water.'

They say you can choke on a tea-spoon of water, so I thought I'd test it out... The water went down fine, but the spoon nearly killed me.

Why are there so many rivers in France? Because water follows the path of least resistance.

There are 2 reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2.

My wife and I had a huge argument because she accidentally flooded the kitchen but we've sorted it now. It's all water under the fridge.

There isn't a lot of water in Egypt. And if you disagree, you're in the Nile.

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.

What's Sarah Palins favorite water sport? Parah Salin.

Not Tonight Guy brings his wife a glass of water and two pills. She looks puzzled. "What's this?"

He says, "Oh, these are your aspirin, sweetheart."

She says, "I don't have a headache."

To which the husband replies, "AH HA!"

Why do brits pronounce water with a silent "t"? They drank it

You know what makes the Antichrist a bad guy? He turns wine into water.

Why do the firemen take out people from a burning building before they put the fire out with water? Bros before hose.

If you're going to drink and drive, always carry a flask in your car If you get pulled over for a DUI, put the flask in your lap, suspiciously​ insist that it's "water," and that's when the officer finds out that's it's chloroform.

I was relaxing in a Jacuzzi when my wife pointed a finger at me and gave me a really angry look... ... I knew I was in hot water.

I spilled a glass of water the other day If that's not irony, then I don't know what is.

I always feel bad for the kids in africa when I waste water.. And when I leave the oven on, I feel bad for the jews.

Today somebody knocked on my door and asked for a small donation to the local swimming pool I gave him a glass of water.

You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on water If it sinks: girl ant
If it floats: buoyant

If life gives you lemons... I hope ~~he~~ life also gives you water and sugar or else your lemonade's gonna suck.

EDIT: Made sure life's gender was no longer assumed.

Dandelions are like the homeless people of the flower world. Give them a little crack and a bit of water and they can thrive anywhere.

Please bring me a glass of water. Boy: mum, could you please bring me a glass of water.

Mum: get up and get it your self.

Boy: mum, please.

Mum: repeat and I will slap you.

Boy: when you come to slap could you bring a glass of water as well?

Where does the know-it-all get his water? From a well, actually.

The Imperial Wizard of the KKK was just found dead near a river in Missouri... Man, the moment the EPA gets threatened people start dropping white trash in our water.

Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant by tossing it in water?! If it sinks... girl ant!
If it floats... buoyant!

RIP Boiling water You'll be mist.

When I heard that my toaster wasn't water resistant... I was shocked!!

The kids next door just challenged me to a water fight. So I'd thought I'd post this while I wait for the kettle to boil.

My friend kees saying ' cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole of water' I know he means well.

I had a job interview yesterday, I poured myself a glass of water and it overflowed slightly "Nervous?" asked the interviewer, I simply replied "No I always give 110%."

Nine out of ten doctors suggest you drink water instead of soda. The one that doesn't lives in Flint, Michigan.

TIL that 9/10 Doctors agree , drinking water is good for children The tenth doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.

EDIT: calm down /u/Andimbacksucker

Today a man knocked on my door and asked me to make a small donation to the local swimming pool So I gave him a glass of water

What did the egg say to the boiling water? "Sorry, it's going to take me a while to get hard, I got laid last night."

Today a man came to my door asking for donations for the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

What does the flint water crises and Chicago PD have in common? The amount of lead put into black people.

(It was funnier over the radio)

I'm such a bad golfer, they should send me to Mars. I'm guaranteed to find water.

Why do Scuba divers fall backwards off the boat, and into the water? Because if they fell forward, they'd fall into the boat.